Original subtitles

♪ Murder most horrid. ♪

That's lovely, Pam, lovely!

Proper job!

Careful! Could someone mop that up?

Plenty of custard powder in there.

Remember everybody! When it's cold,

Morning, sixth form!

Miss Brazier! Briony Evans

Don't get that hair in my gravy!

Morning, Miss Brassiere!

SHE HUMS "FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD"

Are you being bullied?

My mum died.!

Did she bully you?

Tiffany!

Good morning, Miss Twigg.

Here's the menu for you

You know that Bullying Awareness

A kid out there's got

What's that...

It's nice!

It's lamb casserole,

On separate plates, I hope!

As separate as a couple who've had

Little better than curling up with

That or an electric blanket. My

I'll see you on top table. Right!

How's my... how's my...

custard looking?

As yellow as a sou'wester on daffs,

I do! Believe me!

THAT takes anything

...through to lots of hours really.

Patricia Hodge was in labour

Felicity, don't do

It's so demeaning! I'm a scientist,

Sorry?

I could tell them about

Giving out diaphragms!

Switch it off, Felicity!

It's terrible! I wasn't interested

It's the National Curriculum.

I give them a balanced diet,

Ask me about one of these!

Er... second from the right.

Strychnine. A poisonous alkaloid.

C21,H22,N202,

a narcotic poison which acts

affecting the heart, respiratory...

What do you think

No! She ain't got the accent.

Well, in comparison to who?

Ask me another. What? Teacher?

No! Put me off my dinner!

There we are!

Just like Momma used to make!

Can't pay, won't stay!

Can't pay, won't stay!

Can't pay, won't stay!

Can't pay...

What ARE you doing? Protesting.

The food's not that bad. We won't

Miss Twigge!

Can't pay, won't stay!

Evangeline!

Take your Bolshevik cohorts

Yeah. You're upsetting the kiddies.

I was just passing! Need a lift?

Hop in!

My canteen is a safe haven for

Evangeline's argument is if staff

they should be paid for it.

Not any more! Cutbacks!

I'd like to see her rustle up

So would I!

Tiffany, they plan

Could you um...

Could you drop me by this betting...

No, no, no, no! No!

To follow that, we have pot noodle,

'and a king-size Mars Bar!'

'What I'm going to cook is a simple

'A spoon of honey and do-de-der-der.

'I sing honey!'

Where's That Was The Week That Was?

I'm fingering through a bit of Gary

David who? David Frost!

He don't do that no more!

He's your father!

They're all in there

It's all Miss Brassiere's doing.

It's Brazier! And she's young!

The young have principles.

She also has the skin of a baby.

Why not take the afternoon off?

I'm going to!

Missie Twiglet,

Are we having any wine?

Sheila! One each, please!

I'm surprised you've got one! What?

All the time you must spend making

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Miss Twigge is fainting!

Yes, yes!

Blimey O'Riley, it's hot in here!

Open a window, Sheila and stop

What is it? Sour cream and onions

Have a Cheesy Wotsit and tell me

Sherry? Is this "mess"

Do you mind me calling you Gloria?

I was in a dance troupe once with

Go on then, I'll have a small one.

Basically, Tiffany...

things are just falling apart.

Are you experiencing problems

of an intensely personal

Well...

Evangeline!

Miss Twigge is busy, Miss Brassiere.

nor that amusing. Lah-di-dah!

Miss Bra Straps!

Go on, Glo, I'll have another one.

Actually...

would you mind... Mind?

By the way, it's lasagne tomorrow

Try squishing that in your souvenir

We need to talk. Sherry?

Big boy!

Fancy a malibu and pineapple?

Evening, ladies!

It's a bloke! Is it?

Why?

Er... Tone, you hang on here. I want

I'll be out in a minute, all right?

We will, we'll strike!

You said you were left-wing!

More than I've ever

And that time in the home economics

Ladies! We don't expect this

Are YOU a dyke?!

Tittle-tattle lost the battle!

I intend to do just that!

This is ridiculous!

I've got to sack three teachers

and now she's trying to make

She's gambled away school money!

Calm down! Let it out, my darling.

...like some people do!

You're in my house, you nincompoop!

That is Gloria, Mother. It's not.

She stole your father off of me!

Trollop! That's right, Mother!

Come on, Glo! Have a seat!

There you are!

Breakfast at Tiffany's!

She thinks you're Millicent Martin!

Because she's mad, my darling!

♪ Moon river

♪ Wider than a...

♪ All across the river. ♪

Bit louder, darling!

♪ Heartbreaker, you heartbreaker! ♪

I spy a lady with

I was so indiscreet last night.

Don't worry! Mother really thinks

About the sackings!

Why did I tell you? If word gets

my lovely!

Unlike some...

Look! Stop drinking. Stop gambling.

Stop frittering away school money,

and show the woman who loves you

It's too late. No!

whatever I say

Evangeline! Tiffany.

I love her so much!

Now then.

About last night. I waited a whole

Sorry!

Dunno.

Come 'ere,

you lovely, big science boy!

That's it!

Lovely!

Yes! That's right!

Stop it!

That reminds me.

There you go, my darling!

Miss Bra Straps!

(There!) Twang!

'Will all girls auditioning

'make their way to the staff room.

These faces are good,

You scared me stupid with that one!

'This Tony Frost.

'Hi Tony, it's Angela.

'She's signing copies of her book,

'About eight. OK. Bye!'

GLORIA BY LAURA BRANIGAN PLAYS

♪ Gloria!

♪ You're always on the run now

♪ Running after somebody

♪ You've got to get him somehow. ♪

When's Millicent coming back?

Soon.

Will you get me some more spoons,

I was just thinking about poor Tony.

And I wondered if anyone wanted

It was just as I was signing up

Back to formation dancing for me.

Didn't you know? It wasn't a heart

They're doing tests. Really!

I know!

See you later, darling!

And er... missing YOU already!

'Miss Brazier to my office.

Night, Miss!

Glo! I didn't expect to see you!

What are you doing here?

I... er... I'm here with my friend,

Lesbian.

She's very friendly!

What are you trying to say?

Next, you'll tell me Sheila was!

We get those results tomorrow.

We're coming up to GCSEs!

We'd appreciate your co-operation.

Sure I can't offer you a drink?

See if that helps your Jane Fonda

Miss Bra Straps!

And up, and up! Reach, reach!

Reach, reach! We're marching!

We're marching!

And grapevine!

Other way!

Reach!

Reach, reach! And march!

And stretch!

♪ Evangeline

♪ Evangeline

♪ When we started talking

♪ I asked her for her name

♪ She said, "It's not important." ♪

He's a handsome fella, your father!

Who rattled your cage?

What? Stop trying

Who? Delia Smith! My God!

When you going back to work?

When they re-open the school.

They haven't cancelled your series?

That'll be them, that'll be the BBC.

Gloria!

And today's menu is

and Glad It's All Over Cherry Pie!

And as a treat,

I've made you the most

Sit down, Tiffany. I need a word.

I've given up. What?

Given up the fags? I'm staggered,

When you're cooped up in a cell

Was it horrible?

Shut up! Look, darling.

Everyone knows it wasn't you.

They say there's bad water in

There must have been some reason

You're in the clear! Move on and

no more booze - Bob's your uncle,

Gardenias has got a lesbian

I've had a letter...

from the Education Authority.

What saying, "Welcome home, Glo!"?!

They're really cutting back now.

You've got to lose some teachers?

That's a relief.

The school dinner staff

streamlined.

How do you mean, darling?

I'm sorry, Tiffany. From September,

I will, of course,

(I see.)

Do you mind if I have a sherry?

This is no reflection upon you.

You know I'm NUTS

Nuttier than a Brazil nut fondant

I know this puts the kibosh

I understand

I... wouldn't say that!

Tell me,

Anything!

Would you do me the honour

Of course!

♪ Murder most horrid

♪ As soft as the smoke from a barrel

♪ As cool as the blade of the night

♪ She's a stranger

♪ One kiss could cost you your life

♪ And you wake in the night

♪ La, la, la, la, la, Lauren!

♪ Murder most horrid