Original subtitles

(wheel cranking)

(winding down)

Nil desperandum, eh, Taxi?

Ah!

Almost as new.

A First Millennium BC dog bowl...

for the Labrador of Liverpool Street.

(sniffing)

(whimpering) (smacks lips)

MAN: Oh, there you are, Mr. Bunbury.

You were supposed to be giving your speech four and half minutes ago.

I think it's a rather good turnout, don't you? Yes.

More chance for you to screw it up. You'll be fine.

You will be fine. Yes.

I'll have them eating out of my hand.

Oh, dear. It seems a bit glued on. I--

(gasps) Oh, I can't look.

Is that a dog biscuit, Charles? Mmm. It's rather good.

CHARLES: What are these curious numbers at the bottom of this card?

MAN: That's the date. Oh, really.

I thought the date was the number in the brackets.

Don't mention the number in the brackets. Woof, woof! Ah!

CHARLES: Our core business is, of course,

making money.

For 200 years, Tuftons has survived war, depression

and some really awful '80s suits.

I'm not looking at anyone in particular, Nick.

-(crowd laughs) -(chuckles)

Now, has anyone here lost a hedge fund?

(all laugh)

(laughs)

Not in my wife's wildest dreams--

He doesn't feature in my wildest dreams.

-could she have imagined me addressing you-- -(mouthing words)

as chairman of the bank her family funded 200 years ago.

-GUESTS: Yes, yes. -(light applause)

You know, I am but a small cog in the wheel

serving our shareholders--

the largest of whom happens to be my wife, Penelope.

(applause)

Because we here at Tuftons believe

that if we take care of our customer values

and our staff values,

the shareholder value will look after itself.

(guests laugh)

Thank you. Thank you.

-Take Jenkins here-- -(gasps)

C-Come, come. Come on, Jenkins.

Yes, you know, 15 years ago Jenkins was about to retire.

He'd been with us in the backroom it seemed forever.

Part of the family, really.

Said he'd do anything to stay on, so--

We paid for driving lessons,

and Jenkins has been driving me, well, ever since.

(laughs)

(snorts, chuckles)

Of course he has to retake the test every year, I know, but my point is

he represents the kind of values that Tuftons has stood for...

for two centuries.

Oh! (light applause)

(mouthing words)

And-And so-- so I take great pleasure

in proposing a toast to Tuftons...

and the next 200.

GUESTS: Next 200!

Tuftons.

(glass shattering) Good job.

I have always admired your hair.

Oh, Beatrice, channeling your inner flapper, I see.

It's lovely.

Grinding's the name, banking's the game.

Richard Grinding, Interglobal. That was a hell of a speech.

Oh! Apologies if it was too long.

I didn't have time to write a shorter one. (laughs)

Did you enjoy the speech, my snapdragon? (scoffs)

Jenkins was, admittedly, a nice touch,

if borderline crassly sentimental.

Hey, Richard Grinding, Interglobal.

Boy, I wish all my executives looked like you.

I'm Charles's wife. Ah!

Though I have been on a sabbatical. For 20 years.

Well, the compliment stands.

I wish all my wives looked like you. Oh, please! Don't.

Get me away from this frightful American. It was nice meeting you.

Charles, I have to say, we at Interglobal think Tuftons is a fine institution.

Really. First-class clientele. Tradition!

I went to Yale, you know.

"Y" is for youthfulness, "A" is for ambition,

"L" is for liberalism, "E" is for enterprise!

Mercifully you didn't attend Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

You guys always been on this site?

-We didn't move here until 1895. -(chuckles)

If you want to sell a controlling shareholding,

we at Interglobal are highly energized to dominate the capital market.

Not sure I catch your drift.

They want to buy Tuftons. I'm afraid it's not for sale.

Charles's job is to hand the bank to the next generation

in a better condition than when he started.

Even if the next generation don't deserve it.

-Our daughter was supposed to be here. -That's a shame.

Well, if you ever change your mind--

it is a woman's prerogative, after all.

(camera shutter clicks)

Excuse me.

Hello.

Nakamura-san.

Great privilege to see you, Charles Bunbury.

How are things at Honshu Bank?

We pruned, cut out the dead weed,

and now we sow the seeds over long-term success

to become ichiban.

-Number-one bank on planet. -So I see.

(clicks)

What is this, Charles Bunbury?

Tuftons sponsors the world wiff waff championships.

Wiff waff? What is wiff waff?

It was invented on the dining tables of England in the 1880s.

You mean ping-pong? Wiff waff.

So called because its first bats used parchment stretched across the frame.

When you hit the ball, it made a sound that gave the game its name.

We at Tuftons have been playing since the beginning on that very boardroom table.

So you play boardroom table tennis?

No.

We play wiff waff.

-I like the "riff-raff." -Good!

But obviously, we don't have any riffraff as buyers.

(ball bouncing)

Ooh!

Today I make you

offer of a boardroom wiff waff table and bats.

In fact, whole bank. Very generous offer.

(grunts)

Everything all right, boss?

Flawless victory.

(computer beeping)

It's extraordinary. The bank's been around for over 200 years

without so much as a sniff of a takeover.

Suddenly, two offers come along at once.

It's like London buses.

What on earth would you know about London buses? Not a lot.

Much the same as investment banking then.

Did I mention just the other day

I was telling Penelope that I needed more space, so she locked me outside.

I think you did. PENELOPE: I heard that!

Did you say two offers? Yes.

Yes, a Yank named Grinding. Do you know him? Not personally.

Maybe he heard about our sticky patch. "Sticky patch"?

(whispering) What sticky patch? Relax.

I've just done a trade to end all trades.

(computer beeping)

(chattering)

MAN: Look out! (women gasping)

(guests murmuring)

Geez! Where's armed security?

(guests gasping)

(snickers)

-Capitalism isn't working! -Protesting isn't working.

-Get down from there! -Make me!

Who the hell is that?

PENELOPE: Get down, I say!

That's our daughter.

Pumpkin!

(whispering) I didn't think you were coming.

-This bank paid for your education, your clothes-- -And don't I know it.

Still you think that A-level is the first row of Top Shop.

I made it clear that if she ran off with the hippie-dippies,

the checkbook would be closed.

Are we blackmailing our daughter? It's a good thing.

Money may not be everything, but it keeps you close to your children.

Oh, please, someone just Tase me.

-I can't bare to hear this again. -(kisses)

Cheerio!

-Do you know that man? -Well, you always say you want to meet my boyfriends.

-(giggles) Excuse me! -Just get them out of here.

(shouting)

You know, she really doesn't mean it, dear.

She doesn't know what she means.

DAUGHTER: Bye!

So what's your secret?

Oh, uh, we go out twice a week.

I go out Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Penelope goes out Wednesdays and Fridays.

Don't give me that.

How did you two become banking's power couple?

Ah.

Well, when her father realized we were going to be a fixture,

he decided I needed a job.

So you don't have any banking qualifications? No, not at all.

I'm luckily surrounded by some very clever people.

Take young Nick Freeman over there.

When he first joined he didn't know his mushy pea from his avocado mousse.

Now he's one of our rising stars.

Today, he completed the trade to end all trades

to help us through our sticky patch.

Sticky patch?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Oh, we couldn't be in better shape, old bean. (nervous chuckle)

Just, uh, take a look at some of these big numbers, huh?

That's in brackets.

A detail.

Must speak to my accountant about it. Graham!

(clears throat) What are these, uh-- these brackets for?

After my discovery last night,

I'd say our conservative estimate were about £306 million behind budget

with very little chance of making it up before year's end.

Now, I'd say we have no alternative but to issue a profits warning.

I want to say I feel very queasy about these numbers.

Relax, Arthur. You're a non-exec.

You're like the lights on our corporate Christmas tree.

You just sparkle brightly. You're not supposed to actually do anything.

That's unfair.

I always represent the bank at the Chelsea Flower Show.

It all relates to our position in mortgage-backed securities.

I don't need to tell you what that means.

Absolutely. Although it is difficult for me to follow precisely

because I've never needed a mortgage myself.

Run it past me one more time.

Okay, picture...

an out-of-work coal miner with five children living in a council flat.

"Ninjas," we call them.

No income, no job, no assets.

The ninja is approached by a young aggressive mortgage broker,

who offers him a mortgage for its fully inflated value

plus 20 grand thrown in for fixtures and fittings.

So, we package these all together

with loads of dodgy car loans and a few household appliance advances

and call it a special investment vehicle, or "SIV" for short.

Oh, I see.

So, it's a "sieve" because it's got holes in it.

But what happens when someone wants to know what's left in this sieve of yours?

They seldom do. But don't worry, because at this point,

I invite the rating's agency out for a slap-up meal.

Over coffee, I describe this toxic concoction,

but they're having a good time,

they decide to give the top tier of debt

a triple-A credit rating to disguise the cesspool underneath.

Now we're off to the races.

We can package it all together and sell it onto another bank for 50 million.

I see.

So, it's like Pass the Parcel.

There's a recession on!

People are losing their jobs.

They can't make repayments.

Besides, it's so complicated now nobody can work out

which are the good loans and the bad.

So, I just flip the whole package onto some unsuspecting loser

and joy-- it's bonus time.

And last time, we won Pass the Parcel to the tune of a cool 200 mil.

Look, Tuftons has always done the right thing.

Now, if we want to survive, then we've no alternative but to write down the investment.

Good idea, Graham.

Why don't you write it all down and have a report on my desk in the morning.

Just that, um, what I've discovered is that

one of our traders lost a lot of money

on what was a-- (laughs) pretty stupid transaction even by today's subprime standards.

Aren't you responsible for our traders, Nick?

What if I am, Graham?

You two are just doomed to have a clash of personalities, aren't you?

How can you have a personality clash with someone who doesn't have a personality?

But Graham does have a brain like a computer, Nick.

Well, I'll enjoy punching the numbers in, won't I?

CHARLES: So, I just want to get one thing clear:

these big numbers in the brackets

are bad.

Yes, they're, uh, negative.

And we need to declare them to our shareholders. I'm sure they'll back us.

Tell them, they'll lose confidence.

The whole thing will crumble, and we'll lose control of the bank.

And that, Charles, is bad.

(sighs)

Nick. Nick!

Uh,

last night you mentioned something about a trade

that could help us through our sticky patch.

Relax. Another day, another deal.

Have you heard of Nurgistan Gas?

No. Should I have?

Largest natural active gas field in the world.

They're flogging it to the Ruskies.

But my sources tell me they're ready to start dealing with the Chinese.

Which will triple their profit.

Let me bet the bank, and Tuftons will live to fight for another 200 years.

That's the spirit.

It's such a good deal. I maybe thinking about investing myself.

Are you?

Well, it sounds a bit complicated,

but if you're sure.

Oh, I am.

Or just to make absolutely sure of saving Tuftons,

you could always raise some capital by selling shares in the bank.

Fetch, Taxi!

(barking)

I have Charles Bunbury returning Mr. Grinding's call.

Please could you put me through?

Mr. Grinding is never put on hold.

Please put me through to Mr. Bunbury first.

Please, put Mr. Grinding on the line first, then I'll get Charles.

It won't take a moment.

You don't understand. That simply isn't possible.

(cell phone ringing)

Grinding.

Bunbury here. I've been trying to return your call.

How'd you get through?

Good old-fashioned British ingenuity, my friend.

It's good to hear from you. Working hard?

-Oh, you know, flat out! -(whirring)

I guess you're a 24/7 type of guy.

Twenty-four hours a week, seven months a year-- that's me!

(machine whirring)

(barks)

I wanted to follow up on our conversation from last night.

-I have a proposal for you. -Really?

Interglobal is interested in making an offer for Tuftons,

and we're willing to offer £9 a share.

That's disgusting!

Okay, okay. I think we can push it to £10.

-Taxi! -Well, don't go. I--

(whirring)

-Bitch! -What?

£10 a share?

Charles, are you walking Taxi?

Sorry, Dick. Must dash.

I'm sorry, darling. I didn't hear you coming.

Normally I spot the badgers jumping into their traps as you approach.

Charles, I thought I told you to tak the dog for a walk.

-Do you never learn from your mistakes? -I try to forget my mistakes.

I find there's little point in two people remembering the same thing.

(birds squawking)

Darling, I think I'm getting a bit old for this banking game.

I was born into a time when "gay" meant "happy,"

a "Big Mac" was just a large raincoat

and safe sex meant having a padded headboard.

Have I become a bit of a dinosaur?

I hope you're not thinking about leaving Jurassic Park, Charles?

No. No, no, but surely you're not suggesting that I just go on and on?

I generally do. And it's far too late for a midlife crisis.

Besides, what on earth would you do?

True, I am what I do,

which is not very much admittedly. (chuckles)

Men are defined by what they do, or at least seem to be doing.

I call it the cocktail party test. What do you mean?

I feel an overwhelming obligation to justify my existence

whenever someone asks me what I do at a cocktail party. Hm.

Do you remember when we...

first got married?

We agreed that...

you would handle all the minor decisions,

and I would decide the major ones.

And we've had 30 years without a major decision, thanks to me.

I think we can manage another 200 years without one, don't you?

NAKAMURA: My offer of £11 a share is 2 billion.

A very large sum when I get no fixed asset if something goes wrong.

Don't forget the portrait in the boardroom.

But the only real assets are bankers

who can walk out of door, take clients with them.

Mm-hmm.

Have you considered giving them golden handcuffs?

-Golden handcuffs? -Financial incentives, making it impossible for them to leave.

I need to know more about your honorable institution.

At Tuftons we basically have two divisions.

Firstly, fund management. They sort of invest your money until it's gone.

Secondly, private banking.

They will lend you money, provided you've proved to our satisfaction

that you don't need it.

(dog whimpers)

NAKAMURA: Banking is indeed a complex business.

Why don't we make things a bit more interesting?

If I win, the price goes to £12.

You toy with me, Charles Bunbury.

-I hope your golf is not as good as your wiff waff. -Much better.

Fore!

-Where did it go? -Off to the right.

We call that a George Bush. (chuckles)

Graham, if one wanted to say, theoretically speaking of course,

sell some shares at £12,

how many would one have to sell to raise--

let's just pull a figure out of the air-- £300 million?

Very approximately.

You have run this past Mrs. Bunbury, haven't you?

Of course I have. Hypothetically.

25 million. Thank you, Graham. Excellent data.

Nick!

This Nurgistan Gas thing, you're happy with it? Of course.

They're due to announce a major new fracking field, after all it's only "OPM."

"Only Penelope's Money"?

Other People's Money. Of course!

We max out the clients' accounts, swap into the dollar

and hedge into the inter-bank market.

All clear now? Genius, I'd say.

You might want to hold off on that profits warning.

I don't think that's wise, sir.

Graham, do you know why the accountant crossed the road?

I haven't the faintest idea, though strictly speaking, I'm a quantitative analyst.

-Because he did the same last year. -(laughs)

Sometimes, Graham, even as a quant, you have to go with the flow.

Let the trend be your friend.

What is it you always say?

Trash 'em and cash 'em, pump 'em and dump 'em.

Yes, you're the man now. Way to go. (laughs)

There are some people who think I'm a fuddy-duddy. That's quite extraordinary.

-These are the e-mails you need to reply to, sir. -Ah.

Tip-top.

Oh, Nick, I'm not sure we need to mention any of this to Penelope, hmm?

(chuckles)

(man on phone, indistinct)

Yes, please buy me 200 million shares in Nurgistan Gas.

You can take the money out of my wife's pension fund account.

Are you sure? That's a hell of an order.

Of course I'm sure. I know these things.

Well, actually I don't, but I know a man who does.

I forgot to ask, how did it go with that dreadful American after I left?

Oh, I think you'll be quite surprised

with how I've managed the, um, situation.

Situation? (scoffs) A polite word for "arse."

(both giggle)

This is Nurgistan, home of the world's biggest natural gas discovery.

It's where they've been using state-of-the-art fracking technology.

But this morning, the site triggered the most severe earthquake--

an earthquake zone in Nurgistan's history.

(groans)

The gas explosion was, say experts,

the equivalent of two Hiroshima nuclear blasts.

(explosion)

The environmental fallout is expected

to make the damage of the Deep Water Horizon oil spill

look like a storm in a teacup.

(TV chatter)

Everything all right, dear?

(TV: cartoon)

-What are you doing here? -(rabbit groans)

(bouncing noises)

Oh, dear.

Thank you.

How bad is it? Nurgistan Gas is down 75% and may tank altogether.

(explosion)

Oh, dear God.

I can't have lost all of Penny's money. She'll kill me.

We're talking a paper loss of two and a half billion,

a touch more than the net worth of the bank.

Okay. Well, the bank is doomed.

I'm doomed. You're doomed.

In fact, we're all bloody doomed.

This is, uh,

potentially very bad, isn't it?

With a global American bank circling Tuftons,

there is market gossip that the Japanese are also interested.

So, Andrew, tell us, what is the reaction from staff at Tuftons?

(ringtone: siren wailing)

PENELOPE: What's happening? with my bank?

Because I'm here watching the news,

and it appears that we've got Interglobal hammering at our gates.

Do we have a white flag flying outside Tuftons already?

Strictly speaking, it's not entirely your bank, sweetness.

My point. Any more of this nonsense and it will be their bank.

Are you in control there or not?

My war cabinet is meeting even as we speak.

That would be you, Graham and Sophie.

Uh--

Uh, yes.

Precisely.

Charles. Charles? Please use your brain.

Definitely use your ears, they're not just for glasses.

They're not flaps of skin that are useful on your head--

They're useful things. Charles? Are you there?

Are you still listening to me? Of course I am, dear.

I had the feeling I was talking to myself.

Ha! Never! Never! I hang on your every word.

Hang on to these words, Charles: don't lose my bank.

(slams)

(beeping)

(gasps)

(exhales)

Are you sure? The Japs will want to take over the bank as well.

GRAHAM: Getting the Japanese to block the American bid

is potentially a bit of a River Kwai option, but it might just work.

Thank you for your analysis, but what I really need is your trousers.

Lovely. Thank you very much.

I wonder if Graham's okay in the car.

I did leave the window open a bit.

Mr. Nakamura, thank you for seeing us.

I understand. Please.

We would like to accept your honorable offer to buy a shareholding in our bank,

and we'd like to ask how you might feel about £11 per share.

Thank you, Mr. Charles, for your very honorable proposal.

I know that my famous victory on the golf course meant we agreed to £12 per share.

But, between friends, that's all history now.

But we have this morning bought

10.1% of Tuftons for £2.50.

I'm sorry, £2... per share.

You and the Thunderbirds here thought you'd nip in and buy us on the cheap?

Integrity isn't the name of a Japanese car. CHARLES: Steady on, Nick.

Bygones and all that. You've done raided us.

Don't forget that Pearl Harbor wasn't exactly a sound strategy in the medium term.

We were leaving anyway.

(sighs)

I'm afraid it's over, Charles.

What do you mean, "over"?

The balance sheet is a mess.

There's nothing right on the left,

and nothing left on the right.

I'm afraid Nick's right, sir.

As chairman of the bank, you have a responsibility to our creditors

not to trade fraudulently.

(ringtone: siren wailing)

(clears throat)

Charles, tell me what you are doing, right now!

Uh, well, since you ask, sweet pea,

Graham is thinking up some very clever codes names for bidders.

And I'm working on venues for our closing dinner.

Um-- Isn't that right, Team Tuftons?

About the Americans?

Not content with destroying the bank's share price.

You have allowed the Yanks to make a rescue bid for next to nothing.

-Really? But how? -(TV: no audible dialogue)

They're about to buy Tuftons for a song!

GRAHAM: She's right. Charles?

-And they're certain to win voting control. -Are you listening to me?

Congratulations, Charles. You've broken the bank.

200 proud years of history gone in the blink of an eye.

Something must be done.

(beeps)

-(beeps) -NICK: I canceled it--

pre-authorized by Grinding in advance of their takeover.

-You do remember the Interglobal motto? -Not at the moment.

If at first, you don't succeed, Graham?

You're fired.

I thought everything was fine. What about Nurgistan Gas?

Oh, please, who in their right mind would try fracking

in one of the biggest earthquake zones?

-It was a disaster waiting to happen. -But-- (groans)

I hope we didn't buy any shares, Charles.

Fracking terrible investment.

Who, me?

Of course not!

I can hear you in the room. Now pick up the phone.

Penelope, dearest, it's-- An earthquake zone, Charles!

What were you thinking?

My Tuftons shares are worthless.

Charles-- (sighs)

Thank God at least I've still got my pension fund.

Um, about that--

(stutters) That's really all I have. I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

(lawn mower engine roaring)

Penelope!

My clothes!

My shoes!

Penelope? Penelope!

Darling! You seem a little out of sorts.

What makes you say that?

That's a Etruscan, 700 BC!

(grunts)

-I'm just as upset as you are. -I seriously doubt that.

Wait!

No, carry on. The golf club's worth more than the porcelain dog.

Thanks for telling me.

(metal clanks)

Don't you ever stop to think how remarkable it is, Charles?

That your brain starts working the minute you get up in the morning,

and then it carries on working, never missing a beat...

until the second that you get to the office.

And then, as if by magic, it suddenly stops!

(sighs)

Run a bank? You couldn't run a bath.

My poor father would be spinning in his grave.

Penny!

Please!

We can-- We can get through this! How?

There is nothing left, Charles, because you put it all on Nurgistan Gas.

I wanted to surprise you.

-Do I look surprised? -A little bit.

-You have lost all my money. -I thought I was hedged.

Well, you're certainly hedged now.

I'm sorry!

It was Grinding and Nick Freeman. They tricked me.

It was you!

For once, in your miserable existence,

stand up and be counted and take some responsibility.

Everything that's ever gone wrong with my life was you.

Surely you don't mean that.

I never want to see you again.

You can keep the house, darling.

We are going to lose the house.

You've got your shares in Tuftons. You can sell those. Over your dead body.

(engine starts)

Penelope!

Hasn't it ever occurred to you why husbands die before their wives?

Because we want to!

(dialing)

(line ringing)

Annabel, it's your father.

Yes, I'm walking on foot.

(whimpers)

Very good of you to see me, Annabel.

People actually live here?

I live here, Dad.

(knocking)

Hey, Twig.

You are aware most of the food in your fridge is out-of-date?

(man vocalizing) We're Freegans, Dad.

Is that like a cult?

Supermarkets throw away tons of perfectly good food every day.

So we rescue it.

-Where from? -Skips and bins.

-Is that hygienic? -I have no idea.

Hmm.

My, these green meatballs are really tasty.

They're the dog's bollocks.

CHARLES: What else goes on around here?

We run a small community bank.

Oh! That's my girl.

Someone needs a short-term loan to repair a leak, buy a sofa,

even to just tide themselves over until payday,

we do it... interest-free.

Dad, people out there are really hurting,

especially when you guys in the city screw up.

I hardly think that's fair. Oh, the big banks don't lend money to the poor anymore.

So the dongas and the pawnshops can charge 3,000% interest.

You're banksters.

Oh, steady on, Twig.

ANNABEL: The economic crisis is mainly you bankers' fault.

You've got lost.

Every 70 years or so, there's a financial crisis,

South Sea bubble, or whatever. Capitalism is crocked.

As soon as the people in charge

are too young to remember the last disaster, it happens again.

Yes, it's called the Kondratiev cycle.

I forgot that banking could be so absorbing.

So is a kitchen towel. (stifles laugh)

Why are you looking at me like that?

It's just... been a while since we've been able to talk like this.

We're not talking, Dad.

You just do not get it, do you?

But when you're done with your bollocks, you should go.

Good-bye, Dad.

Why don't you... get yourself a job?

(chattering)

Just wondered if there were any jobs going.

MAN: They're all going. Address?

Good question. Can I get back to you on that one?

(clears throat) Mr. Bunbury, without hesitation,

please describe yourself in three words.

Hardworking, numerate and upper-class.

Reasons for leaving previous employment-- "Losing the company £2 billion"?

Yes. There was that.

And I also...

thought it might be time for a new challenge.

Right.

Good luck.

You got a car?

My wife has the car.

Will she let you drive it?

Probably not.

** (dance)

ALL: * Da-da-da Da, da, da *

* Another one bites the dust *

* And another one gone And another one gone *

* Another one bites the dust

MAN: * Hey, I'm gonna get you too

* Another one bites the dust

Think they'll get rid of all of us? Probably.

* How do you think I'm gonna get along *

* Without you when you're gone? *

* You took me for everything that I had *

* And kicked me out on my own

* Are you happy? Are you satisfied? *

* How long can you stand the heat? *

* Out of the doorway the bullets rip *

* To the sound of the beat

* Look out

RICHARD: Some people, you put them in a big office,

they look like they're waiting for Teacher to arrive.

You?

We're all very excited.

* Hey, I'm gonna get you too

* Another one bites the dust

There he is! If he went into the funeral business,

people would stop dying.

(groans) Taxi for Bunbury!

-CROWD (chanting): Taxi for Bunbury! -Bye-bye, Tuftons.

Taxi for Bunbury! Taxi for Bunbury!

MAN: * Walking on rooftops

* Talking of time

* With our eyes a-glowing

* Like the city lights

* She stands on a ledge

* She says

* "It looks so high on top"

* You know

* It's a long way down

* Feels like a long way down

* It feels like a long way down * Penny.

Annabel.

Good-bye.

* Like a long way down

Hey! This is my pitch.

What's it going to do to business if there's police hazard tape up in the morning?

I could just, uh, move along a bit.

Keep going.

I do hope you're not going to be loud.

I will be very discreet.

Are you actually going to do it?

I don't know now.

I've been considering it too, you know,

but I think I might have a drink first.

What have you got?

What have you got?

Oh, of course. Well, you know, I--

I'm afraid I'm a bit, uh-- Ooh!

There was a time...

when I had an office in one of those buildings.

I invented the banana, but someone stole me idea.

How long have you been considering it?

Two years,

but don't try and talk me out of it.

I wouldn't dream of it, old chap.

After the banana, I invented the Internet.

Then suddenly we all got credit crunched.

The bank called in my business loan.

I lost the company, the house, the wife.

She left me for Bailiff.

My wife left all my worldly goods out for the bailiff.

After that, there didn't seem much point to anything.

I know.

I lost my daughter in the process too.

I just wish I could talk to my wife, but she won't see me.

It's why I'm--

Ditto.

On the other hand,

I can recommend a period of due diligence and contemplation

when it comes to making this particular decision.

You could end up regretting it for quite some time.

That doesn't mean you're getting another drink.

I know.

Don't get them wet.

(machine whirring)

Taxi!

Taxi?

Taxi!

(Taxi barking)

Thanks, Caroline. I know it's been a while.

I do appreciate you taking me in. No problem, Pen.

I know what it's like when the phone stops ringing at the smallest whiff of scandal.

It's not easy at our age.

(cell phone ringing)

Cheltenham Ladies College never really trained us for this.

Yeah, what do you want?

What do you want me to do about it?

Is this a bad time? No, it's fine. It's just work.

You pathetic specimen. You'd be out of your depth in a puddle.

Aren't you done yet?

Oh, God, what's taking you so long?

Finally!

(laughs)

What's your job exactly? I'm a phone prostitute.

(laughs) You a joking?

It's not bad, as long as you don't take it seriously. You have to have a character.

See, I'm a bored and angry divorcée, who's only doing it for the cash.

Okay. Does that work?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It's for men whose wives do understand them, but they're still not satisfied.

(cell phone ringing) They love it!

Sometimes I'm on three phones at once.

You know, I ignore them, and then I shout at them.

Yes, you!

Well, you might know 99 different positions,

but the trouble is you don't know any women, do you, saddo?

Maybe I'll just take my bags upstairs.

There is no upstairs. You can sleep on the sofa.

(cell phone ringing)

What do you want, freak show? That's my phone!

Oh. (nervous laugh)

Hello.

Hey! It's Richard... Grinding.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Penelope, I just wanted to--

Never call me again. Even if you're on fire!

I could get you a job if you're interested. No! No, thank you.

(door opens)

Graham.

* Zou bisou bisou

-* Zou bisou bisou -Graham.

* Zou bisou bisou Zou bisou, zou bisou *

Graham.

Graham! Yes, sorry.

I have a question. Ask me anything.

Well, you know they are doing all the laying off this afternoon.

And apparently Nick has a list of people who are getting fired.

Do you know if I'm on it?

I'm just an accountant, really.

Yeah, I know, but you've been to Human Resources and sometimes people just forget you're there.

And they say things in front of you.

Yeah.

Uh, just-just in case, um,

we don't see each other ever again,

I-I was just wondering, maybe if-- I hope you don't think I'm being too forward--

Oh! It was just an idea.

It's Nick. He must've got off at the wrong floor.

Okay. Here's the list.

Better have security standing by.

Aren't security on the list too?

Move them to last then.

What about me?

I mean, where do I go?

I worked for Charles, so-- Tracey, come on.

It's Sophie. I know.

I'd never get rid of you. You wouldn't?

Your eyes are the same color as one of my Aston Martins.

They're fake contacts. I know that.

But we have a relationship.

Why don't I take you out later and we can talk about it? Great.

Bloody hell, Seddon, I forgot you were there.

It is my desk. Not for much longer.

Joking! I know there's less to you than meets the eye, but you're a decent accountant.

I'm a quant, actually. Don't put yourself down, Graham.

(blows nose)

(groans) Look at his little face.

Well, that's good news.

Wonderful.

(groans)

Share tips for a pound.

A pound for a share tip.

Thank you.

Thanks, Oscar.

OSCAR: Share tips for a pound.

One pound for a share tip.

Share tips for a pound.

I suppose owing you a pound for a tip would be out of the question.

With interest at three percent above Libor.

This whole Interglobal-Tuftons bank thing--

how can they be stopped from grabbing the whole shebang?

Why would anybody want to do that?

Well, they wouldn't, of course, but out of interest.

Interglobal have 79.8% of Tuftons.

The only thing stopping them getting 90% and overall control

are Honshu and one private blocking shareholder,

each with a 10.1% share.

Of course!

You wouldn't have a pound I could borrow, would you?

I'll give you a tip.

Try Nurgistan Gas. It's going to be a recovery play.

Nurgistan? Nurgistan Gas? Give me me pound back!

No.

I'd rather be having my teeth drilled-- and that's not a euphemism.

(cell phone ringing)

On your knees.

-Yes? -Don't hang up!

First, I need to say that I have been so dense,

light would bend round me.

I can agree that you haven't exactly been

the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

I know. I know nothing about banking.

You are probably the finest living example of the Beta Principle.

-The what? -That everyone rises

to the level of their own incompetence.

You may not be the stupidest man I know,

but when that man dies--

But I know enough now to know what Grinding's up to.

Pathetic.

Oh, God! Penelope, oh, God!

(dial tone)

I need to talk to you.

This isn't talking. It's curb-crawling.

Come on, Jenkins, live it up, put it in second.

I will put this through your window. I have form.

I want your advice. My advice is duck.

On how to restore the Tuftons name. You stole it from my family.

Oh, come on.

Look, everybody knows that you were the power behind the Tuftons' throne.

Be honest. Your husband was running the place into the ground.

He was not. He sometimes forgot to look out of the window and check where it was going.

There, you see, we're having a reasonable conversation.

We're exchanging opinions.

Penelope, please.

I am big enough to admit that I need your help.

I want dinner, and I want to spend all of your money. I accept your terms.

Hence forward, please feel free to regard my credit card limit as a target.

Now, may I take your brick?

Yes. Preferably in your nether regions, and at speed.

(indistinct)

Good evening, work slaves.

Lemmings!

(both laughing)

Charles? Bournville.

Oh!

How the devil are you? How are you?

Heard about the bank.

Unlucky.

Mind you, most of the time, I had no idea what was going on either.

Well, it's been lovely bumping into you.

Likewise.

I don't blame you cutting loose one bit.

Who's this? Was he with you and me at Tuftons?

No, no, this is Oscar. He's a real business genius.

Must have lunch sometime. I'll get my girl to call you.

Oscar?

Oscar!

Oscar. Oscar!

OSCAR: Go away.

Oscar!

Oscar!

Oscar!

I--

(phone ringing)

Hello. Agincourt. How can I help you?

Uh, yeah, we're at a table right in the middle of the room.

Would it be too much to ask to order some wine?

Certainly, sir. Thank you.

How do you like the wine? I would have chosen the Valandraud '99.

Oh. Why didn't you order it?

I watched you order the most expensive bottle on the menu.

You reached your credit card limit without me even having to try.

That was our understanding. I win.

(chuckles) Congratulations. Thank you.

Wouldn't you rather have the wine you wanted? I wouldn't have won.

So you won, but you didn't get what you wanted.

You are Penelope Tufton, not Penelope Bunbury.

You're the greatest asset that this bank has.

You have the name, the brains and you're a beautiful woman.

Why aren't you running this bank?

Because my father didn't have a son.

Okay.

History.

You want Tuftons to be the East India Company?

A great British name, now washed away by history.

Or Rolls-Royce?

They used to make a beautiful engine

to take one guy into the park for tea.

Now they make a beautiful engine that carries thousands of people across the globe.

Which one are you, Penelope Bunbury?

Well, I'm really getting a good grinding now, aren't I?

Maybe you need one. Because right now,

you're standing in the shadow of a man

who's having trouble casting a shadow.

Who is still my husband.

(groans) Details.

Listen to me. You need a divorce lawyer. Right. Of course.

A woman would have to be mentally ill to marry you.

How long does it usually take for them to come to their senses?

Well, my wife died.

I'm sorry.

Well, it's been a couple of years.

At the reception, you talked about ex-wives.

No, just the one.

It's easier to be that guy than the guy who lost everything in a car accident.

I wasn't driving, in case you wanted to pin that one on me.

Tell me why you bought my bank.

I wanna build the bank up

according to Edward Tufton's original founding principles.

Then you should have left it alone in the first place.

I do so enjoy our full and frank exchange of views.

Yes, you turn up with your views and go away with mine.

Forgive me, but men aren't very creditworthy in my eyes just at the moment.

Good night.

(whimpers) RICHARD: Listen.

If you--

What are you doing? I thought I had pepper spray,

but I'm just going to have to stab you in the eye with a...

tampon.

Now, how do I get back to Caroline's from here?

This guy's got a broomstick. (chuckles)

Why don't you take the car. I'm gonna walk.

Trust me, Penelope.

I may just surprise you.

(thunderclap)

Oscar! You took everything from me.

And I confided in you about e-fruit.

Here. I don't want them.

But why?

I banked at Tuftons.

No, Oscar, that's not my fault. Please, come down.

It never is. You're all the same.

You're going to hurt yourself.

Please.

Oscar, if you were really going to jump,

you would have done it two years ago.

Due diligence and contemplation.

What was it Churchill said?

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

Oscar, no! Oh, God!

(thumping) OSCAR: Ow! Oh!

That really hurt.

Good shot though, eh?

(chuckles)

Hang on. I'm coming.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

(sloshing)

I don't need your help.

You wouldn't help me then.

You can't even help yourself now.

(sighs)

(horn honks)

Very good to see you, sir.

I, um--

I think there's something you ought to know.

About Mrs. Bunbury.

-RICHARD: How is Charlie-boy these days? -Don't you talk about him.

You're half the man he is.

Unfortunately, half of zero is also zero.

If that's the case, you think I can borrow Charles's brain?

Whatever for? I'm thinking of building an idiot.

(tires squealing)

So, Penelope, I wanted to ask you

if you would consider being a part of Tuftons again.

You could chair the charitable foundation,

advise us on the distribution-- I get my tomato juice here.

Pull over. If that traffic cop gives you trouble, just run her over.

Be back in a second.

What are you doing with him?

What the hell are you doing? I had to warn you.

He's only after your shares. You're the only thing stopping him from having the whole bank.

I'm not taking you back, Charles.

I don't remember saying I'd want you.

Look, I know I was a terrible husband and a useless banker.

And your career in this line of work won't last long either.

(door opens)

So I hope you'll consider my proposal, Penelope.

-What proposal? -Bunbury, what are you doing in my car?

He took our bank.

You could say Charlie Chuckaway lost your bank. Who asked for your opinion?

-I didn't do anything. -Charles has always done nothing.

But he does do nothing very well.

This is pretty interesting. Do you wanna hurt Charles more or me?

-There's no reason why I can't do both. -Ow! Oh!

What was that?

I was just telling Richard what a relief it is

to spend time with a man who isn't an abject failure.

Would you at least consider being my guest at the Interglobal closing party?

(chuckles) If I'm not washing my... Jimmy Choos.

(groans) Okay, Bunbury, you call pull over here. I'm getting out.

Please drop Penelope wherever she requires.

Return this call to Jenkins, and I won't report this to the police.

Richard. You forgot your tomato juice.

(door closes)

Stop the car, Charles, or I'll have you arrested for kidnapping.

Fine. (tires screech)

No one would pay the ransom anyway.

Good.

I'll just take my chances with the hoboes and...

(clattering) static travelers.

He's homeless too.

You should meet. You are insufferable.

My apologies, sir.

Oscar.

I'm so glad you're okay.

Go away. I'm working.

Don't-- I'm so sorry.

Believe me, I'm-I'm not that man anymore.

I'm the driver.

Oscar, there must be some way I can make this up to you.

Even though I ruined your life,

I could really do with your help.

To help me help myself.

Not even for a pound?

(spits)

No.

Can I at least give you a lift somewhere?

Could I take me filing cabinet?

So, that was your wife.

And you really want her back? I tried to talk to her,

but she's hooked up with her new big-shot American banker boyfriend instead.

Well, you can see her point. I mean, you don't even own your own shoes.

Making big decisions. It's all about insider information.

Oh, damn. I wasn't gonna tell you that.

Could I interest you in dinner?

Oh, hey, Sophie. Hey.

How was your dinner with Nick?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Uh, would you like to go for a drink sometime?

Okay.

Really? Sure.

** (women singing in French)

** (continues in French)

Ooh.

Where is this?

This is Annabel's.

It used to be a nightclub in my day.

(knocking)

Dad.

You can't just turn up here with your banker buddies.

How dare you cast such aspersions. When's dinner?

He's homeless.

Really? I'm helping him.

Since when? Since--

Oh, it's-- it's complicated.

Uh, if you don't want us here, it's fine.

Come on. Let's go. (mutters)

That's the floor plan of Tuftons Bank.

How do you know? I've got one.

How else would I know where to put the dynamite? Ha ha ha.

Finally, you're keeping some decent company, Dad.

Could I interest you in some insider information?

There's an event there tomorrow.

Interglobal closing party.

He can stay for dinner.

Truffles? Hmm.

I went skip diving at Harrods.

(chuckles)

Do you have a girlfriend at the moment, Graham?

I've analyzed girlfriends.

Oh, yes. I suppose you would.

I came to the conclusion that girlfriends are a lot like swimming pools.

Why is that? They cost an awful lot to run,

considering how little time you spend in them.

(both laughing)

Oh, wow.

You're well-endowed, Graham.

You're pulling my leg.

I do believe you have a ladder in your tights, Sophie.

That isn't a ladder, Graham. It's a stairway to heaven.

No, it's definitely a ladder.

(grunts)

* Zou bisou bisou

(both groan) Sorry.

No, it's all right. * Zou bisou bisou

* Zou bisou, zou bisou Oh.

Oh, wow.

You don't have any of those little blue pills, do you?

Yeah. Yeah. Ah.

* Zou bisou bisou

* Zou bisou bisou

* Zou bisou bisou Zou bisou, zou bisou *

** (continues in French)

The last girl I dated got a headache around this point too.

Oh!

* Zou bisou bisou

** (ends)

Mmm.

Dad.

Hmm?

What's going on?

After Penelope threw me out

and you made your feelings clear...

I thought I'd lost everything.

So I went...

down to the river,

and, uh--

He stopped me basically.

Dad.

I shouldn't have mentioned it.

Jesus.

I'm so sorry.

Are you okay now?

I don't know. Am I?

I lost the business that your family spent the last 200 years creating.

It wasn't your fault.

I was like a blind man in a dark room

looking for a black cat that wasn't there.

It's so silly investing in something we don't understand.

I sometimes think if I had five percent less intelligence, I'd need watering.

I was the chairman.

The buck stops with me.

Who else could I blame? I thought it was that American.

Who I saw her with today.

And you're not going to do anything about it?

You know, Dad, in many ways,

you've led a very charmed life.

I made money the old-fashioned way.

I married it.

But it has left me...

with an abiding feeling that I have never really deserved

any of the good things in my life.

If you really want something in life,

you have to learn to fight for it.

So if you want to get Mum back,

you've got to get the bank back.

Who said anything about wanting her back?

She is rude,

angry, controlling,

sometimes... a little frightening.

But I suppose...

she's still my wife.

Perhaps I could do with joining you for that closing party.

Will there be champagne?

(chuckles)

(gasps)

(gasps)

Oh, I slept on the couch.

Oh. So nothing happened.

I was a gentleman.

Naturally. Why?

I'm still a virgin, Barry.

Thanks.

CROWD (chanting): Bankers out! Bankers out!

Bankers out! Bankers out! Thanks for having me along.

My friends think it's great that you want to save the world,

even though you're old and won't be around to enjoy it.

(chanting continues) Absolutely.

I feel very strongly about whatever it is we're here for.

You scrub up delightfully, if I may say.

Well, let's get on with this show. Twig.

What do we want? A fair society!

When do we want it? Now!

Well, I'm glad we cleared that up. Take it from there, Twig.

-TWIG: You say corporation, we say-- -PROTESTERS: Cooperation!

You say corporation, we say cooperation!

You say corporation, we say cooperation!

Annabel Tufton and her plus one.

Madam.

(no audible dialogue)

I'd like to propose a merger, Penny.

And what do I get? Financial security. A place on the board.

Life chair of the Tuftons charitable foundation.

My knickers are not falling for that.

Come on, Penelope. You can't pretend forever.

Thought you might need rescuing.

Tell me you are not going to cause a scene, Charles.

Who, me? Admit you set me up.

What are you even doing here? With that shark Nick Freeman!

Stop it, Charles!

Come with me.

Nick, did you advise Mr. Bunbury

that Nurgistan would solve all of Tuftons' problems?

You win some, you lose some. We all make deals based on tips. It's how the city works.

But you used your contacts to trick me and ruin Tuftons.

PENELOPE: Is this true, Richard? What were we talking about?

(gurgles) It's true.

Charles nearly topped himself over it.

Oh. Sorry.

Charles.

(gasps)

So you couldn't even do that properly.

Because he was too busy saving my life actually.

Thank you, Oscar.

What's Annabel doing here? A-Annabel? How would I know?

Get them out of here and call the police.

I'll let Annabel know you're leaving. Shehere.

A family get-together. Isn't that lovely?

Gangway!

You're just a bunch of bankers!

I knew it was too good to be true.

Is that an Armani dinner suit? Very nice.

He gave it to me.

My bloody Armani.

It's him, Officer.

You may remain silent.

Good luck with that one, Officer.

How dare you lock me up.

PENELOPE: Do I honestly look like a troublemaker?

And since when has prison ever worked?

I don't know. Nelson Mandela never re-offended.

You know, she's only ever hit me once before. With a Range Rover.

Unfortunately, I was in first gear at the time.

MAN: * A broken heart

Good-bye, Charles.

* And only me to blame

* For every single part

* No science or religion

* Could make this soul

* To be loved but never love

* To have but never hold Good luck, sir.

* It's a life alone

* And a desperate need

* To be held

* To be loved so

* This is gonna take a bit of getting used to *

* But I know what's right for you *

* Fly high

* Let me go

* The sky

* Will save your soul

* But this is gonna take a bit of getting used to *

* But I know what's right for you *

Annabel.

Are you okay? * Let me go

So, uh, where do we usually go

when we get evicted?

Somewhere the disgustingly rich have left disgracefully empty.

(machine whirring)

Okay.

ANNABEL: My gosh. Look at this place.

Vandals must have got in.

That was your mother.

(dog whines)

Taxi! Taxi! (barking)

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you're all right.

I will never leave your side again.

OSCAR: You're famous, Charles.

"Interglobal CEO Richard Grinding said,

'In our quest to become the biggest dog,

we won't be doing a Bunbury anytime soon.'" Ha ha.

What's that supposed to mean?

Losing your shirt on the market.

Sometimes, you know, a major decision must be made,

even when you're not quite sure what it is.

Then you need to understand shorting.

You do understand the shorting of shares?

Does anybody?

Oh.

Right.

Now, you want to short sell my shoes, but they belong to me.

So I lend you my shoes,

and I'll let you sell them for four bananas.

And you promise that you'll give me the shoes back in two weeks' time.

Don't I have to buy back the shoes?

Yes. And if you gamble right, they'll only be worth one banana when you do.

So I still got my shoes

and you-- you're up three bananas.

But that's bananas.

No, it's a shoe-in.

But what about Annabel? Isn't she down three bananas?

You mean Nick Freeman will be down three bananas.

But you've got to short an opponent's stock

at exactly the right...

moment,

avoiding an attack.

And then instantly responding.

Just like kendo, which, according to Nakamura-san, it's just like banking.

(speaking Japanese)

(with Japanese accent) I am new sensei. Saturday.

(yelling)

(groans)

Great privilege to have you in my house, Charles Bunbury.

I have a proposal.

After wiff waff and golf, we are even.

You have come for tiebreaker. (grunts)

I have a vision

to make Honshu the world's largest bank.

If you have a vision, Charles-san, you should see a doctor.

You're probably right.

Why should I listen to you?

Your track record not good.

You broke bank.

Yes.

That is the elephant in the room

we are currently grappling with.

What elephant?

Ow!

My sword will not rest until I wake with the dawn.

The wind blows from the east.

And Honshu is ichiban...

(yells)

number one.

I am like a dark lord.

Do you have special powers?

(coughs, groans)

I'll take that as a yes then.

RICHARD: And their share price has gone down.

Yeah, it's done a Bunbury.

"'In the true spirit of blah blah blah,

we intend to associate with others with sincerity.'"

Dictum Meum Pactum, my arse, Charles Bunbury.

- Dictum-- What does that mean? -"My word is my bond."

I didn't get where I am today by trusting people.

Nick, you got it made in banking when you can fake integrity.

I do not like the smell of that.

It can only mean that the Japs want to make a move on Tuftons.

So we need to put the squeeze on Honshu

to force them to surrender their ten percent.

Exactly.

Uh, about the other night--

Graham, sometimes you just have to give a girl what she wants.

I'll see you later.

You know the story of how Tuftons made its name?

Something about the Battle of Trafalgar.

All hell is breaking loose on the high seas.

At the London Stock Exchange, the traders are crapping their pants

because they think they're gonna wake up French.

Well, Tuftons has a messenger at that battle,

and he comes running back, and he says it's game over-- frog's legs for breakfast.

Do you know what losing does to the price of the English government bond?

Toilet paper.

Tuftons scoops them up for pennies.

But wasn't the kicker that the messenger lied? England won.

Now they sell them for a fortune.

Visionary.

So you want us to do something like that? I'm just saying,

they knew how to do business 200 years ago.

The power of inside information.

Nicholas. We couldn't possibly do that.

I just wanna take Tuftons back to its founding principles.

Don't even ask what I paid to get it back.

But then I realized,

in a way, it's at the heart of what Tufton stands for.

(sobbing)

(sobbing continues)

PENELOPE: It was my father's car.

He gave it to Charles. I thought it was gone forever.

It's been with Tuftons for over 50 years.

Almost as long as Jenkins.

Which is why you have to stay too.

You're the last of the Tufton line.

(sighs) Taxi.

Oh.

Charles's dog. Oh.

I love dogs.

(sneezes)

You better not be going soft on me.

Oh, no. Not at all. It's a--

It's a sinus thing.

Hmm.

You were saying?

(sighs) Okay.

Based on doing things in the true spirit of Tuftons and its Foundation--

Of course. Then my shares might be on the table.

But only at a price to reflect the resources of the purchaser

because I loathe him so much.

(engine starts)

(Richard sneezes)

Sophie?

MAN: I think you've dialed the wrong number. 745-8610.

Sorry, mate. I must've dialed my bonus by mistake.

Are you okay?

I've picked up his dry cleaning.

I've been sent to survey strip clubs and rate them out of ten

and then again out of a hundred.

And now I've just stuck a 20-page document together

after being asked to shred it.

He's not just being reckless with the bank's money. He's endangering our jobs.

Do you know how hard I had to work to get here? He's not going to make me quit.

I'm gonna make sure you don't have to.

There you are, Graham. In my office in five.

Get these back to Cheryl-- something or other her name was-- would you?

Have you un-shredded that document?

It has already gone to recycling.

Sorry.

You're such a decent man, Graham.

Why do I end up chasing good-looking bastards

when I could be with someone like you?

Hmm.

(whirring)

(grinding)

I was just saying to Nick, we live in uncertain times.

Too right. This credit crunch is seriously jeopardizing my future.

So what we need is a volatile banking stock

where we know results will be dreadful.

And because Graham used to be a particles physicist at CERN,

everyone will believe him when he writes a bullish research report

to spike the price temporarily.

-We short the hell out of it and clean up on announcement. -RICHARD: Wow.

Nick, I'd hate to stand between you and a large bag of money.

Do you have a stock in mind?

Bull's-eye!

Get in.

Graham, have you seen your buddy Charles-san recently?

What about the financial conduct authority?

Toothless. New regulations means new opportunities to bend the law.

I don't think I should. Do you wanna keep your job or not?

Do you know what your problem is, Graham? You're too nice.

You could be a quality banker if it wasn't for all that niceness.

It's so aggravating.

Or I could always fire Sophie instead.

No. Come on, Graham.

Tell us what's happening in the House of the Rising Sun.

Well...

they find themselves trapped between Scylla and Charybdis.

-Between who and what? -In Homer's Odyssey--

-He means a rock and a hard place. -Geez.

Talk about two countries separated by a common language.

Their exposure to subprime mortgages is crippling--

-Cut to the chase. -It wouldn't surprise me if they went under.

Graham, you see?

That's why you quants come back from Switzerland.

(gasps) It's the money.

Actually, it's because it was really dull.

Let's go short on Honshu stock.

You're free to go, Graham.

You organize the bloodbath.

I'll take Penelope to the Future of Banking lunch

where she will sign this.

-Let's bet the bank. -Pump 'em and dump 'em!

(laughs)

(beeping, buzzing)

(chimes)

Graham, stop sexting yourself.

I need you to work out how many Honshu shares I need to short

so I can retire before you lose your virginity.

I want a personal proprietary position on this.

A really big one.

I may need to ask you

your collateralized debt obligation.

MAN: * The best things in life are free *

* But you can keep 'em for the birds and bees *

* Now give me money * That's what I want

* That's what I want * That's what I want

* That's what I want, yeah * That's what I want

* That's what I want

* Your loving gives me a thrill *

* But your loving don't pay my bills *

* Now give me money * That's what I want

* That's what I want * That's what I want

* That's what I want, yeah * That's what I want

* That's what I want

* Money don't get everything it's true *

* But what it don't get I can't use *

* Now give me money * That's what I want

* That's what I want * That's what I want

* That's what I want, yeah * That's what I want

* That's what I want

* Whoa, give me money

* That's what I want

* A whole lot of money

* That's what I want

* That's what I want * Oh, yeah

* That's what I want

(beeping)

(beeping continues)

Let's just keep calm and hold.

Now, Japanese banks such as Honshu

would normally announce their results

before the afternoon trading session.

That's around 4:30 a.m. London time.

To be frank,

this kind of delay usually signals only one thing-- serious trouble.

Leading Tuftons analyst Graham Seddon

had been surprisingly bullish about his prospects.

Let's short sell these babies. Come on!

Right. You're gonna sign, uh--

Oh, boy.

Waiter, do you have a pen for the lady?

OSCAR: Oh, I'm so sorry, madame. I don't.

Give me a minute.

When I went bust,

Tuftons forced me to sign over the shares in my business.

Apart from me wife walking out on me,

it was the hardest loss of my life.

Okay. Uh, here you go.

All right, you're gonna sign right here, my dear.

MAN: Silence, please, for our keynote speaker,

CEO, Interglobal-Europe, Richard Grinding.

Thank you. Thanks.

Wish me luck.

(groans)

This waiter has a real sense of humor. If he is a waiter.

Ladies and gentlemen, as you may have realized,

I am not the keynote speaker.

(sneezes)

I am clearly not the future of banking.

MAN: This ought to be good.

But I do have something I'd like to say, mostly to my wife.

That makes the rest of you collateral damage.

RICHARD: Have we signed yet?

Oh, hi, Bel.

PENELOPE: What are you doing here?

Supporting the family.

For the first time in 20 years, I have made a major decision.

All by myself.

Because it was on my watch that Tuftons got into this...

terrible muddle.

Where's that pen?

Tuftons should have stuck to its knitting.

I had no idea what I was doing.

Can you imagine a brain surgeon or an aircraft engineer

admitting to something like that?

(sneezes)

What on earth is the matter with you?

Did you find that pen?

Like so many others, I too believed that...

greed is good.

Okay, let's get some breaking news from Japan,

where the results from troubled Honshu are about to be released.

Oh, this is possibly even worse than feared.

These Honshu numbers are truly horrible.

To the boys with the big balls,

bring on the bonuses!

(all cheering)

CHARLES: I was seduced by egos bigger than my own

to enter the Capitalist Casino,

a pyramid Ponzi scheme of collateralized debt obligations,

leveraged buyouts, mortgage-backed securities, special investment vehicles.

You name 'em, we bought, sold and repackaged them.

They were financial weapons of mass destruction.

Ordinary people were sold products

they neither understood nor needed.

As Kierkegaard said, "Life must be lived forwards,

but can only be truly understood backwards."

And so today...

I do understand.

I don't wanna listen to this anymore.

It was our crazy compensation culture that drove us over the cliff.

Our bonuses were based upon short-term results,

not our performance in the long haul.

(whines) (sneezes)

Uh, Nick-- Yes.

Have you had a chance to look at the Honshu report?

It's just that the, uh, share price is at 7.70 again.

Speculators, mate. Don't worry about it.

According to our computer model,

that can only happen once in a million years.

Right.

I just think it might be happening right now.

There's a twist in the tale,

because according to official sources,

the Japanese government intends to take over this venerable institution,

in effect nationalizing it,

to secure its long-term future.

(cell phone buzzing, beeping)

We had no thought or feeling for anyone but ourselves.

So I and my colleagues

kept every one of the bonuses,

leaving only the innocent, RICHARD: Be quiet.

the honest and the ethical...

to pay.

How clever is that?

The keynote speaker has arrived.

We have to buy Honshu stock.

It's soaring.

Our contract binds us to sell it at £8 per share,

and it's already worth 12.

Which means we've lost close to a... billion.

And it's getting worse.

Don't panic. Don't... panic.

The stock's gonna plummet.

Remember, if you can stay calm whilst all around you is chaos--

Then you've clearly underestimated

the seriousness of the situation.

Interglobal didn't happen to have a proprietary position in Honshu by any chance?

What?

Because it looks as if it might have just...

broken your bank.

You're lying.

It now looks as though Interglobal's

suspected aggressive shorting of Honshu stock

could prove ruinous for the US giant.

It seems almost certain

that Interglobal's share price will be hammered.

It looks like that offer of yours for my wife's shares

might just be completely worthless.

Ignore him, Penelope.

-I usually do. -(groans)

Why is it going up?

What? I thought you might wanna take a look at this.

Ooh, look at our share price.

It's done a--

Bunbury.

Nick.

For investors, that spike in the share price now looks like wishful thinking.

Bollocks.

Ichiban, Nakamura-san!

We played the game.

To most of us, it was just a game,

where our money was the score.

We refused to see the damage Wall Street was inflicting on Main Street.

We were blinded by--

I was blinded by greed.

And as a consequence, I wrecked many lives, including my own.

And I broke the bank--

our bank--

that had been a force for good for 200 years.

And for that...

I kneel here today...

and ask you, Penny,

for your forgiveness.

I'll think about it.

-Sorry? -Possibly.

But I'm not saying I'll definitely take you back.

Who said anything a--

Who said anything about wanting you back?

(clears throat)

I've got a tip for you.

Nurgistan Gas.

It's going to be a recovery player.

Buy!

Bye.

Oh, my God! It's going up!

I do believe it is.

To Tuftons

and the next 200!

ALL: The next 200!

-Annabel is here with him. -You can say his name.

I can't. It's stupid. If they have children, they'll be Twiglets.

Mum, you remember Twig.

Top up, Mrs. B.?

Was that so hard? You have no idea.

Wiff waff, Charles-san?

Oh, I would love to, Nakamura-san,

but I promised Penelope that I would learn bridge.

Thank God for that. The last time we played

the only time I ever knew what was in your hand was when you were in the loo.

Annabel, have I ever told you that throughout our marriage

your mother has always been there when she needed me?

PENELOPE: You know what they also say, Annabel:

behind every successful man is an astonished woman.

CHARLES: Yes, even the blind hog finds a truffle sometimes.

Will you just be quiet. PENELOPE: No.

MAN: * Grow old with me

* Let us share what we see

* And oh the best it could be

* Just you and I

** (chorus vocalizing)

* And our hands they might age

* And our bodies will change

* But we'll still be the same

* As we are

* We'll still sing our song

* When our hair ain't so blond *

* And our children have sung

* We were right

* They'll sing grow old with me *

* Let us share what we see

* And all the best it could be

* Just you and I

* And the hairs they stand up

* And my feet start to thump

* Yet the feeling is dreaming around *

* You'll be the one

* Make me feel like I'm real and alive *

* Grow old with me

* Let us share what we see

* And all the best it could be

* Just you and I

* Grow old with me

* Let us share what we see

* And all the best it could be

* Just you and I

** (ends)