All language subtitles for 1gfgegregetghethet

[soft dramatic music]

- I have something to get over
that wasn't totally...

[sniffles]

My fault.

Remembering that I was just
this person for years,

that was just constantly
focusing all of their energy

on this,

you know, one person,

and trying to give
all of their love

and all of their support
to this one person.

I don't really know
what the difference is

between having that
with a guy who...

[sniffling]

Was your teacher
in high school

and who is much older than you,

and having that with, you know,
boyfriends your own age,

because I didn't
really have that.

♪ ♪

For so many years,
I did not even have

the language
to speak about this.

I didn't have the words.

I started to recognize that
I wasn't responsible for this,

that I was a child.

I didn't think that being
a 16-year-old person

was a child.

I didn't have any other way
to look at it,

because I didn't have anybody
to reframe this for me.

I've had to be okay with it.

And then I've had
to make excuses for it.

Nobody wants to look
at the truth,

because the truth is that
this is so prevalent

in half of the population.

Like, it affects everything,
and it's a big deal.

♪ ♪

If I could tell that girl,
like, what's about to happen--

it's not just that your entire
life is going to change.

There's a lot of things
that are gonna be taken away

from you that you want,

or you're gonna be diverted

from becoming the person
that you want to become,

because you are going to be
obsessed with this person.

Like, I fell in love
with my teacher when I was 16.

And then I went to college,
and I was still with this guy.

These were my formative years,
and they're gone.

I'll never get them back.

♪ ♪

I'm in Los Angeles now.

My desire to get out
of Little Elm,

it's the reason
that I had the strength

to pull myself out
of that relationship.

But it's also the thing
that he hooked onto

and said,
"You can be so much more."

I was groomed,
and I was abused.

♪ ♪

For years,
I had convinced myself

that I was making this choice
to be with him,

that I was the one that needed
to accept the consequences.

But now,
there's no doubt in my mind

that he was in control
of this.

And it took a few years,
took a couple of years,

but I started really seeing

that this thing might
not have been okay.

♪ ♪

When I decided that I wanted
to make this documentary,

I didn't know what form
it was gonna take.

I just knew that I wanted
to ask questions

about how I found myself
in this position

where I was out of control
of my own life.

It's hard to tell a story
by yourself.

- Back in 2017,
Cheryl came to me

and shared this story with me.

She told me that
she needed a partner.

She wanted to explore
what had happened to her,

and she needed
an objective counterpart.

So along this journey,

I have been the person
to ask the questions

that she's maybe
not asking herself.

As soon as we started
digging into Cheryl's story,

we started to wonder
how far this spread.

We had a friend post this
thing on her Instagram for us.

"Has anybody had
this experience

of being abused
by their teacher?"

For weeks,
we just got emails.

"One of my teachers
at my school asked me

to come into his classroom."

- Who was that?
- She doesn't give her name.

- We have another one here.

"It took just a couple days
for him to convince me

"to send naked pictures.

A month later, I found myself
in his bed more than once."

- "Feels good to say something
to whoever you are."

- Nobody feels like anybody
will listen to them,

and they just want to say it.

The only good thing
that they can feel from this

is that they've
just let it out of them.

♪ ♪

I wanna find some answers
for myself,

and I didn't hear
from him again

until I reached out
to him in 2017.

God, I mean, are we cray
just to, like, send this?

Do I need to send it
from another email?

No, it's fine just coming
from my email, right?

- Yeah.
I mean, you're gonna be--

- Can he, like, find me?

"Hi. I know we haven't
talked in a long time

"and this email
may be strange to receive.

"It's strange to write.

"The reason I'm contacting you
is to let you know

"that I am currently
working on a documentary

"and will be sharing
some of the details

"of our relationship,

"specifically
the high school years.

"If you are open to it,
I am interested

"in starting a conversation
with you about what happened

so that your perspective
is given value and weight."

Oh, I did it. Ugh.

- "Dear Cheryl,

"people have good
relationships that go bad.

"Do you really think
that understanding how

"inexperienced I was with
relationships would somehow

make you feel better
about the lies that I told?"

- Now, he's trying to say
he was the inexperienced one.

I was 16.

"What I wanna know, and I'm
sure you were aware of this,

"is why you made the decision
to initiate

"an intimate relationship
with me back in 1999

while you were still married
and teaching at Little Elm."

- "I haven't felt like
I've had control or power

"in our relationship,
maybe ever.

"I'm just a pathetic guy
that got involved with you,

because I was naive."

- He is so good
at manipulating the situation.

I didn't expect it
to be that manipulative.

[birds chirping]

There was so much about

his kind of tactic that was,

"This is good to be.
This is not good to be."

And the good kind of girl to be

was the girl
that he approved of,

that he saw that was cool.

Over time, it was exhausting.

Like, I had no idea where
I was underneath all of that.

Later in my life, like,
everything came into question,

my whole personality.

I had to think about
little things like,

"Do I listen to this music
because he told me to?

Do I write this way
because he wrote this way?"

The important thing here is to
start the bigger conversation

of how this happens,
why this happens,

what culturally is happening
in order to make it easy for

these men to take advantage
of these young women.

It's so much about shame,

and they kind of start
that shame cycle with you

as a teenager.

We live in a culture
that romanticizes

this, like, hypersexualization
of teenage girls.

Film. Television.

Music.

- If you look through
a magazine or, you know,

movie awards, photos,
or anything from celebrities,

it was a tough time
to be a teenager.

- When I was in middle school,

it was about Alanis Morissette
and Fiona Apple,

and, like, girl power.

When I got into
this high school thing

and suddenly it was, like,

Britney Spears,
Christina Aguilera.

- We sort of went straight then
into the pop princess stuff.

In the 2000s, clothing for
women wasn't just so much

about the clothing,
but it was about the body.

Because there's just
so much skin exposed.

There was definitely
a male gaze

attached in
how we perceived them.

- [laughs]
That's hot.

- There is an amount
of this romanticization

when it comes
to relationships between

older men and girls.

- The movies that I remember
seeing at that time

told me everything
I needed to know about

how someone would be treated.

- Culturally, you know,
there is that glamorization

of the student-teacher
relationship.

We are kind of glamorizing
or making people think like,

this is an honor
to have a teacher

want to be in a relationship
with you when you're a student.

- I mean, like,
"Election," right?

That's, like,
a farce making a joke

out of a teacher-student
relationship.

- As a culture,
I think we've kind of

just mentally adopted that.

I think that that is
a very damaging culture

that we unfortunately
have used

for media and entertainment

that has also led
to some of the victim blaming

and approaches to how to handle
these real-life cases.

- Our culture has created
a climate

where girls do not want
to speak up.

They see that nobody's
gonna believe them,

or if they do believe them,
they're gonna be blamed.

- We are still fighting
for the most basic answers

and accountability
over six years later.

- Something really big
would have to change

in order for us
to face what's happening

and actually protect victims.

- When I decided that I wanted
to make this documentary,

I felt blocked.
I felt frustrated.

I needed to know
if the people around me

knew what was happening,
and if they did,

why they didn't do anything
to stop it.

There's this sense of scandal
that kind of surrounded me.

And I didn't really process it
or deal with it

after I left Texas.

And in a way, that's why

I am going back to Little Elm,

because I'm attempting
to gain perspective

on a moment in time
that I was so myopic.

And I was so controlled
by the version of events

that was just from
one singular point of view,

which was his point of view.

In going back
and talking to the people

that I was close to,

I can get a sense of what
they saw and understand

this story
in a more holistic way.

- Don't you think there's gotta
be a little bit of relief

about being able to have
a open conversation about this?

- I'm just worried about
digging back into the past

and talking about something
that's pretty painful

and, like,
inspiring feelings of guilt.

- The hope is that this maybe
prevents a couple of people

from having to go
through the experience

that you went through.

- I know.
- Yeah.

Mm.

I got you, girl.

♪ ♪

- Okay. Yep.

- Little Elm, Texas.

Just a cool 19 hours
and 40 minutes.

♪ ♪

- I'm kind of making
this big deal

out of something that...

maybe I could just handle
internally or something.

I don't know.

I mean,
even when I talk about it,

I'm thinking about the way
my mouth is kind of tight

and the way my voice is,
and...

I just want this...

Self-consciousness to go away.

I just want to not have
to feel like I'm,

you know, constantly, like,
looking over my shoulder

or trying to guess what people
are thinking about me.

Or I just wanna confront this,

and I just want other people

to see it, I guess.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

- Ooh.
Six miles to Little Elm, baby.

- Only 6.66 miles.

- [laughing]
6.66 miles?

I feel really nervous.

I mean,
I haven't seen my friends

since 2002.

In the abstract,

it doesn't even seem like
that big of a deal.

And I know because
I've convinced myself

my entire life that
it's not that big of a deal.

All of the abuse did was just
push me further and further

and further into a place
that I felt that I had

to contain myself in order
for other people to accept me.

♪ ♪

- I grew up in a small town
in Texas called Little Elm.

Little Elm in the '90s was
this small strip of a town.

If you blinked, you missed it.

- I think we had all of
60 people in our class.

- We liked to play
and say that

there was more livestock
than there were people.

It's the epitome of Texas.

It's God, football, and family.

- I have a lot
of fond memories there,

but the men ruled the world.

- Growing up in Texas,
men are the gatekeepers

of your reputation, in a way.

My value was given to me

by the men
who paid attention to me.

The way that men talked to me
as a young girl

was as if everybody
was my daddy.

Every man around me
got to tell me how to behave.

My whole life,

I've always felt the pressure
to be a good girl.

I started cheerleading.

This was kind of, like, a way
that I could be entertaining,

but it didn't really reflect
too much of my personality.

- Growing up, she was
very active in everything.

Whatever she did,
she put everything into it.

That's just the way it was.

- As a kid, I spent a lot
of time kind of by myself.

I was imaginative, constantly
thinking, and dreaming.

In English class, we were doing
"The Diaries of Anne Frank."

So I asked if I could direct
production of Anne Frank.

And we did this play.

And, like, a lot of people
from the town came out.

I remember taking my mom
into the hallway and saying,

"I think I wanna be
an actress."

My mom was just, like,
always encouraging me.

Like, I thought
I was Meryl Streep as a child.

♪ ♪

- Honeys, I'm home.
- [laughs]

- Yay.

- Oh, I got it.

Dad, look at the way
Ed's holding me.

- Yeah.
- [laughs]

Ari, come look at this.
Look at this photo.

[gentle music]

Most of my classmates
didn't wanna talk,

but I still needed to know

who else might have known
what was happening.

Why was nothing done
to protect me?

Hey, I'm working on a piece
that has to do

with some shit that went down
in high school.

Maybe Cath's told you about it.

I've spent some time now
talking to her,

but I would love to pick
your brain about that time

and see
if you remember anything

or maybe just chat with me.

Hey, Nat, I just talked
to your sister yesterday.

Still filming this documentary.
I don't know.

Maybe it's not your thing,
but I'm trying to tell

the theater department story
how we were all close, etc.

Hey there.
Okay.

This is a weird thing
to DM about, but here it goes.

I'm making a documentary about
student-teacher relationships.

I don't know for certain
that you had any run-ins

with some questionable figures

with bad intentions
at our high school.

But reaching out to see
if you know anything

or would be willing
to chat with me about it.

Feel free to call or text
or tell me to [...] off.

- That sounds good.
- Yeah, I think so.

- Great.

♪ ♪

- Okay. Hold on.

All right. How is that?

So I didn't know that
we were gonna have

a high school reunion,
but I got this invitation.

And this is the time where
it's like it's crunch time.

Like, I wanna hear
from some of these people.

How's it going there?

- Good.
- Yeah?

Are you gonna--so are
you gonna go to the reunion?

- Yeah, I will go.

I said, I would. I will go.
Can't back out now.

I'm not gonna leave you
down there by yourself.

- I'm still on the fence
just because

I'm, you know.

Katie was like my anchor
in a way.

Katie made me feel
like a human being.

I was just watching
our senior slideshow,

and I was like--you know,

I kind of remembered it
sort of fondly.

But then I thought there's
actually, like,

a lot of stuff that was
happening in between here

that I was
pretty miserable about

and was really painful for me.

- The overall goal
of the project

is to shine a light
on something that has happened,

not just in Little Elm
or your experience,

but something that's happened
to, you know,

girls and people everywhere
in small rural towns

and pass the trash
and things like that.

- If people were open to it,

I just feel like
there would be--

there's probably gonna
be more girls at our school

that had kind of more
similar experiences.

I guess it could
kind of go two ways.

I'm worried that everybody's
gonna start shutting down.

- You know, once they see
that you are just talking

to everybody and you want
to remember experiences...

- Yeah.

- I think
they'll warm up to it.

[applause]

- When I went
into high school,

I wanted somebody
to understand

that I was smarter
and more interesting

than this small town,
cheerleader girl.

I wanted to be seen
as somebody

who was more complicated.

My sophomore year,
we got a new theater teacher.

She was super cool,

and she immediately liked me.

- She was the fun,
free-loving hippie teacher,

always smiling and always
trying to teach us

to think outside of the box.

Also, she was in love.

- The theater teacher,
she had a husband

who would come to the school,

and he would help
direct the plays.

And when he started
teaching at Little Elm,

he was, like,
the most popular teacher.

Everybody loved him.

- We would write
sketches together.

And we actually
ended up performing

a sketch comedy thing together.

We started a thespian club.

We would go hang out
at their house.

Definitely had, like,
a bohemian vibe.

Musical instruments
were all over the place.

- They brought in
this tapestry of color.

I was so lost.

What I saw was
a smiling, goofy,

sweetheart, intelligent man.

- He would share, like, his
passions and things with you.

Like, he would come in
with his bass guitar

and play that thing
and show us how he played it.

And he was always really
welcoming too, right?

He would be like,
"Come on in.

Let's just hang out in here
all together."

And it'd be like
five or six of us.

Cheryl was always there.

- His classroom
was right next door

to my other favorite teacher's
classroom, Tom Warrick.

So that corner of the school
started to become the corner

that I spent a lot of time in.

Sometimes he would show up
a little bit

before play rehearsal,

and he and I would start
breaking down poetry.

And we started to become
kind of--we had a friendship.

I'd never felt, like, friendly
with an adult that way.

I considered myself,
like, mature,

but I didn't ever connect
with an adult like that.

And he and the theater teacher
were two adults

that I could
suddenly connect to.

I would just make comments
about the poetry or the books,

and he would
kind of clock them

as being very smart or astute.

I never had anybody care

that I was intelligent before.

He was really great
at finding

the special thing
about a person

and constantly reminding them

that that made them special.

When he turned
his light on me,

I felt like
I was suddenly--

not just seen,

but I was validated
by this person

who everybody believed
was great.

I just didn't know
that it was gonna be a trap.

♪ ♪

- Teenagers are constantly,

like, thinking that
the world is against them.

It's part of your
healthy rebellion

of breaking out
of this mundane life

and, like, trying to figure out
your own thing.

That was so easy to tap into
because I was already there.

I was already an imaginative,

you know,
wanderlusty kind of person.

I would get excited about going
into his class after school,

but I knew nothing
would ever happen,

and that it wasn't
a possibility.

And so in a way,
it kind of felt like safe.

In high school,

I had finished the high school
English classes,

and I'd moved on
to doing college courses

for my junior and senior year.

So he would kind of help me
with my English papers.

I spent a lot of time
in his classroom

going through poetry.

And we started
getting really close.

Like, there would be
these flirtatious moments

where he would accidentally
touch my hand.

And then it was becoming
Christmas time.

And they were gonna go see
some of his family,

and so he was gonna be gone
for a month.

And so I wasn't gonna
get to see him.

And so he said,
"Why don't we just email?"

And I didn't have an email.

So he kind of helped me
figure out how to set one up,

and we started emailing
back and forth.

both: Dearest, Pony.

Okay. First things first.

- You have to change
your account information

from Cheryl Nichols
to something else.

Never send email
with your real name on it.

It's just a general rule
of computer geeks everywhere.

You understand.

Notice how my mail comes from
something Quilty or whatever.

You can do that too.

- So I didn't have one,

and so he helped me figure out
how to set it up.

And I came up with
my own email name,

which was a blue pony.

That was his nickname
for me, Pony.

And Quilty is the last name
of Clare Quilty,

who was the--

The monster pedophile
and antagonist in "Lolita."

All of these things
that were happening

were happening in total secret.

He would start
implanting things in my head

that would tell me

who I should be friends with
and who I shouldn't.

He was positioning himself
as somebody who I could trust

and who I should listen to,

because he would say
things like,

"You're so beautiful
when you dance, Cheryl.

You're so full of energy,
and you're so alive."

He would pick out the things
that he knew I cared about,

and he would hone in on them.

And he would make sure
that I heard from his mouth

that he thought that
those things were special.

Now, I know that
this is the part

where all of the things
before were grooming,

and this is where
the sexual nature

of the abuse begins.

- For the record,
you have been

and continue to be
my number one priority.

- "The others are
all nice people,

"but no one else
is my little pony.

"Tell me how you've been.

"Has your weekend
and such been good?

Any new developments in your
life regarding a certain boy?"

He started to introduce
this idea of

wanting to be with me
even though he couldn't.

He would say,
"Oh, you know, if I could--

"I just wish
that I could kiss you.

"I wish that I could kiss you,
but I can't.

I can't. I can't."

And then he just starts getting

more and more sexual,
he says...

both:
"Now I have more questions.

You said..."

- So monkey--and you know
what monkey means.

And I'm forced to admit.
I don't know what that means.

I thought it meant penis,
but that can't be right.

Because you would never talk
sexually around me.

- "You sure write well enough
to make me all steamy and shit.

"If the world ends,
when we get to heaven,

"I'll let you borrow
some of my memories.

"Hell, I've got plenty.

"You can have all the
masturbation memories you want.

I'm overflowing with those.
Take care, dear."

The real turning point was

I remember I was walking
through the hall,

and I walked past
his classroom.

And he called me over,

and he said, "Hey,
I have something for you."

And he had this folded up
piece of paper,

and he just put it in my hand.

And he looked directly
in my eyes,

and said, "This is for you."

"Frustration.

"The desk is a wide
wooden bunker unknown.

"The room which contains
30 desks contains one desk

like a rock shrine inhabited
by an unusual serpent."

It was this poem about
the feeling of frustration

that comes from wanting
something you can't have.

And I knew it was about me.

"Innocent and still
when we connect yet smiling

"at the dance
as I straighten and sequence

and lean forward
to whisper and want."

It was over for me
after that poem.

Like, I was done.

It doesn't matter
what this cost me.

Like, I will be part
of this relationship.

My, like, instinct was then

to just push
everything else to the side

and make this my priority.

♪ ♪

I remember it was
February 11th,

and this was, like,
maybe a month

before my 17th birthday.

And I went over to his house
with some friends.

We were all, like, sitting on
the couch watching a movie.

And then one by one,
all of the other kids left.

And then it was just me and
him and the theater teacher.

As soon as she left the room,

like, my heart
was just pounding.

He took my hand,
and he walked me to the door.

And then he pulled me

as close to the wall
as he possibly could.

And he kissed me.

It was as if, like,
the entire bubble

that I was in just kind of

broke into a thousand pieces.

I was so afraid.

I just remember
this out-of-control feeling.

The language was now,
"What do we do?"

But the answer was,

"Well, now we're in
a sexual relationship."

[birds chirping]

I started sort of drafting this
last night.

So now I'm not totally sure
if this is the right thing.

So I need you to help me
with this.

Okay.

Once again,
I know it's probably a shock

to see me in your inbox.

When I contacted you
years ago,

I was hoping to get you
to talk to me

about what happened
between us.

You shared a lot with me
in that exchange,

but I felt that it devolved
pretty quickly

into an old pattern
of accusatory back and forth

that sort of missed the point.

If you're open to it,

I would like
to try again to understand

how everything happened
the way it did.

About to send this.

- Five. Four.

Three. Two. One.

- You know,
if my parents found out,

if he was, you know, arrest--

holy shit,
he just wrote me back.

- What?

- He just wrote,
"Hi, Cheryl.

I'm not interested. Take care."

I think I want him to admit it,

because I think I want to
believe that he's good somehow.

But he's continually
making a decision

that is keeping the secret,

putting me in the shame place,

and not caring about--

or admitting to everything
that happened to me

and everything I experienced

and not acknowledging
how it affected, like,

my romantic relationships,
my sexual relationships,

my relationships
with my other teachers,

how I trust people
who want something from me.

The right thing for him to do

is to come forward
and be like,

"Look, I did this.
I did this to another person.

Please don't do this
to other people."

But he's not gonna do that.

♪ ♪

[knocking on door]

[laughs]
- [laughs]

Man, you're as ugly
as I remember.

- Ah!
[laughs]

Hi, buddy.
- Hey.

- Ah!

I missed you.
- I missed you.

- Yeah, I'm just thinking about
like how captivating he was.

And, like,
it was for all of us.

I mean, there was a reason
that we all went over.

Like, groups of us
would go over to their house

and, like, hang out and, like,
all be part of each--

like, a group together.
We were generally the misfits.

We would all just
go hang out there.

And it just felt,
like, comfortable.

And it just sucks
that it wasn't.

- How does it make you feel?

- It makes me feel, like,

disappointed that we didn't--
I didn't see it

or none of us really saw it
for what it was.

Yeah, I always sort of--

maybe just not on purpose

turned a blind eye to it.

Did it happen when you were 16?
Did it start?

- Wait, you don't know
about that?

- I know that you guys
were, like,

hanging out
and in a relationship.

- Wait, I--you didn't--

- No, I mean,
I've always assumed, right?

Like, but I've never heard
the words come outta your mouth

that that was the situation.

- It was true.
Like, very true.

And, you know, like, when
we would go over and like--

- That sucks.

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.

- It was everything
but intercourse.

[somber music]

- That really makes me now wish
that I would've leaned

the other way,
seeing as myself as, like,

a full grown man
and known, like...

♪ ♪

I'm sorry.
- [stammers]

[sniffles]

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

♪ ♪

I think it was, like,
pretty soon after we kissed.

We had decided
that we were going to,

like, see each other
without our clothes on.

It's all about, like,
making him feel a certain way.

Like, making sure he's
satisfied and taken care of.

He just, like,
told me what to do.

I thought I had agency
in this whole thing, you know?

I thought I had agency.

- You guys were not equals.
- My first sexual experiences

were with somebody
that was not--

it was not--it was not
a consensual relationship.

It was like I was being
completely taken advantage of.

- The most I knew of it was

that the relationship
was inappropriate--

inappropriate in the sense
that they were too close,

that it made everybody
uncomfortable.

- I was always worried that
somebody was gonna find out,

but he kind of convinced me

that he was very good
at hiding things.

- I know that...

There were definitely
more girls.

- At Little Elm High School,
there were several incidents

just with myself that
kind of set a precedent that,

"This was kind of okay
and abuse was going to happen

and teachers
were going to cross lines."

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- That was fun.
- Wow.

- Oh.
What year is this?

- This is senior year.
- Wow.

- It was about writing.

Feeling like I could
pour my heart into something

on a piece of paper
and then have it read.

And I felt like
he was giving me, you know,

really good feedback
on how to better my writing,

how to make it better.

Like, I'd write poems
about my boyfriend--

a lot of forlorn,
teenage girl stuff...

- Mm-hmm.
- In poetry.

Or short stories

that he would give me
feedback on.

- Did you ever feel like
it got too intimate?

- I didn't feel like it got
too intimate as a child,

but I definitely know it got
too intimate as an adult.

- Do you feel comfortable
saying how?

♪ ♪

- Yes.

- Okay.

Did he ever talk to you
about sex in the classroom?

- Yes.

Um...
[stammers]

I feel like we probably
talked about it more than once,

but the one incident
that I hold onto

and that actually
I told my husband about.

My boyfriend at the time

had told me he wanted
to experiment

having anal sex.

And I had--

I can only guess that
I had written about it.

- Sure.
- You know what I mean?

- Of course.
- Or I could have gone in there

and just said something,
I'm not sure.

But, um,

he did describe to me
how to do it.

♪ ♪

But it was a pretty intense
conversation about lube...

bending over, bringing a towel,

it potentially being messy.

- Christal, I'm so sorry.

- Oh, don't cry.

- There's just so few girls

at the time at our school

that weren't touched
by this thing.

- Yeah.
- There was a lot of stuff

going on with the teachers
and the students there...

- Yeah.

- That seemed kind of,
to me, like a cesspool.

[indistinct chatter]

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- My grandmother was
a kindergarten teacher,

so I always knew
that I wanted to teach.

Since I've begun teaching,
I've become more angry

about what happened to me
than I ever was before.

[tense sting]

I don't think I can fully
capture what it's like to be

in a classroom full of your
creative writing students.

And there's always
at least one girl.

It's always a girl.

There's always
at least one girl

who's having a hard time,

either dealing with depression,
or maybe it's,

you know, an eating disorder
or family stuff.

And she's usually
really talented,

and she wants help.

They're asking for support,

and they're asking
for kindness

and confidence and attention,

but they're not asking
to be screwed.

And...neither was I.

- When I heard about
Allison's story,

I was like,
"I need to know more."

Then I heard her talking
about "Lolita" on a podcast,

and I thought, "Her story
is identical to mine.

You can't write this."

She was even given "Lolita"
by her abuser, just like me.

- I was introduced to "Lolita"
when I was 17 years old,

and an English teacher
in my high school

gave me a copy of "Lolita."

He told me it was a beautiful
story about our love,

that it was just
the height of romance.

And I was 17
and didn't know any better.

So I believed him.

[chime]

- [laughs]

Your picture is your cat.

It's amazing.

It's so weird
when you read someone's memoir,

and then you know
things about them

they might not know about you,
and it's like,

you know--it's like I feel like
I'm spying on you,

but I just know that
from your book.

I had an experience.

Like, I had a relationship
with my teacher

that was, like, literally
almost exactly like yours.

Like, I--somebody recommended
your book to me.

And I was like, "All right."
And I picked it up,

and I could not--
I was just glued.

It was crazy. I felt like
I was reading my journals.

It was crazy.

- I mean, we always think about
rape as stranger in the bushes.

And it's like,
no, most of the people--

most of the time
when a woman is raped,

it's by someone that she knows.

It's by someone
who's close to her.

He made me feel like
I was smart,

like I was mature,
and I was insightful.

And I think that's also
part of the awfulness

of these patterns of abuse.

Every child goes to school.
All of them.

And yet, we just allow
these kinds of predators

to sit in our classrooms

and continue teaching.

- So many girls
told the school

about the assistant
football coach.

- It was our English teacher,
and he married the student.

- I had a teacher
who got a girl pregnant.

Did not get fired.

- Eventually,
he picked the wrong girl,

and it all came crashing down.

♪ ♪

[chime]

- Okay. So I just got an email.
- Okay.

Let me see.

♪ ♪

"I decided a long time ago..."

both: Not to work in any way
with Cheryl Nichols.

- She is a toxic person
who has lied, cheated,

and stolen from me.

- From me.

I'm the toxic person?
[laughs]

"I decided not to work in
any way with Cheryl Nichols,"

as if we worked
at Bank of America together?

Stolen?

He's talking about my student
loan that he cosigned.

- You cosigned on a loan
and then you couldn't pay it.

And then he...

- Yes.
- Had to pay it?

- Yes. That's called
signing a bad deal.

- That's called
dating a teenager.

Teenagers can't pay
their student loans, you idiot.

He's rewriting the story,
and it makes me furious.

- And that's what exactly
what he was telling me

I was doing earlier.

You're changing this story
so that you were victimized

rather than, you know,

some beautiful thing
that happened to him.

It's just not that.
Unfortunately, I grew up.

- And he's exactly
the same person.

Everybody's just covering
their own ass.

- Everybody's also betting that
I'm the same afraid person

that I was back then.

- Ooh, they're gonna be sorry!
- [laughs]

- They're gonna be sorry.