All language subtitles for Taskmaster.S19E01.Sometimes.Spit.1080p.ALL4.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-SNAKE[EZTVx.to]

This was a mistake!

Shut up! Pardon?

You're mad.

Wow.

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

Hello, thank you.

I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to this
brand-new series of Taskmaster.

I have never felt
so full of hope.

The tasks are new,
the contestants are new.

And whilst I was enjoying my single
origin espresso this morning,

they were being shaved down

and put through our 12-point hygiene
programme, ready for battle.

So they all smell just great...

..for now.

So let's meet the new recruits,

ready to risk it all
to take home daddy's golden head.

"Daddy's golden head of destiny" is

a sentence I forgot I wrote.

Please welcome, Fatiha El-Ghorri,

Jason Mantzoukas,

Mathew Baynton,

Rosie Ramsey,

and Stevie Martin.

And next to me, a man who is

a lifelong supporter
of Liverpool football club

and tells me that
the only downside to that

is meeting the other fans,

who he finds to be universally
stupid and physically disgusting.

It's little Alex Horne!

Hello, everyone.

I've designed for episode one
a brand-new magic trick!

And I know you love magic, Greg.
I love magic.

Well, you're going to love this
magic trick, it's called

the magic pen.

It looks like an ordinary pen...

..but I've signed it using the pen.

How?

I'll tell you how... Magic!

Magic...

A magic pen.

How's it done?

I know what you're thinking,
maybe I've used a second pen?

Well, look, here is another pen,
also signed.

How?!

I'll tell you how... Magic.

DRAMATIC MUSIC Magic...

Could there be another pen?
Yes, but also signed.

Magic!

Yeah, I know the man well
and I wouldn't be surprised

if there's a fourth pen.

Magic.

Magic!

I'm quite impressed.

I don't think you'd go
to a fifth, though.

I did, actually, and I couldn't work
out how to get it on this one.

I just couldn't... I don't
know, that's the magic trick.

An auspicious beginning
to a new season.

Series, Jason.

I'm with him,
you're a guest in this country.

You'll learn our ways
by hook or crook, young man.

OK, let's have our first Prize Task
category, please.

OK, and we're starting
the series with

the object that reminds you
of school the most, in a good way.

We all know Greg used to be
a teacher,

we also know Greg has played
teachers on TV,

and as the Taskmaster,
he's sort of like a headteacher.

So, yes, Greg's got range.

Five points...

I've not got range?

I'm amazed you're in showbiz.

You should be at most
an assistant bank manager.

So five points will be gifted
to the bringer of

the item Greg likes best

and the winner of the episode will
take home all five prizes in

a great big school satchel.
Peace out, man.

OK, Fatiha, welcome to Taskmaster,
what have you brought me?

So I brought in a golf club.

Here it is.

That reminds her of school
the most, in a good way.

As a kid I used
to be really naughty.

And my mum had enough
so she came up the school

and she goes to the teacher,

"If Fatiha keeps on playing up,
hit her."

And then he got this thing

and he put it as if he's going to do
a golf move and then...

And he would hit you
with a golf club?

No, he would pretend to.
Are you mad?

Am I mad?

No, he would pretend to,

so he'd, like, try to scare me into
being a good girl.

So the thing that you've brought in
that reminds you of school in

a good way is a golf club that your
teacher used to threaten you with?

Yeah, cos I never got hit,
so that's a good thing.

The glass is half full.

Jason,

what thing did you bring in
to represent the good times?

This, for me, was something that was
ubiquitous in my high school.

It is a map, but it's the kind
of map that was mounted on

the blackboard that you pulled down
like this. Ooh! Sweet.

Right? See, I thought you might
like that. Here it is.

Yeah. Nice.

I mean, how satisfying is that?

That's nice. If I could just imagine
myself in the world...

So your childhood imagination
just soared?

Just wishing that I could get out
and get here onto this stage.

Wow. It's both heart warming
and tragic.

Who's next?

I've got some... I've got some
facts about America if you want?

No, thanks. OK.

Mathew?

I have brought the TV trolley.

Yes.

Another blinding move.
He's won, yeah.

It's just the sweet nostalgia.

When this bad boy came out,
you knew you were in

for 45 minutes of watching
a probably late '70s,

early '80s, old episode of Equinox.

Yes.

Some science documentary, and you
would ignore the educational content

and you would just be sort
of laughing at the fashion.

Well, having been
a teacher, I can give you a bit of

a glance behind
the magician's curtain here.

Because normally you would see
the film or

the documentary on a Friday,

and the reason for that is
the teachers had all been to

the pub.

And I'm proud to tell you,
I did a five-pint-lunch.

No.

Every Friday?

And it was Guinness too,
so I was heavy.

Thank you, I like your trolley.

I mean I've got to say,
the golf club's looking

less and less appealing.

Rosie, welcome. Thank you.

What have you brought in?

I've brought my school dinner.

So that's chicken with gravy.

Is it?

Gravy should not stand up.

What's all the way to
the left, next to the brown turd?

That's stuffing.

The dessert is on
the same thing as the main... Yeah.

..so a pea could go in your...

That's all right, it all goes in
the same stomach. OK.

That's bold.

This is good.

Stevie, school, good times?

No, but I found like a sort of

cultural cache in my school,
which involves the Prize Task.

Write "cultural cache" down. Yes.

Is it hold it down to get
the E acute?

Stay with me.

Yeah, yeah, um...

It is.

Um, so scented gel pens.

So what people would do is draw
their name for

the person they were going
out with, and then everyone would

just walk around smelling the back
of their hand all day. Yeah.

But the cultural cache was that my
name begins with "S" so I could do

the Superman S thing which was...
That's nice.

Do you know the Superman S thing?
Yeah. Yes, of course.

OK.

You said that you were in the '70s,
or something, I don't know.

They had Superman, didn't they,
in the '70s?

Yeah, they did.

I'm not Victorian.

Sorry... sorry, yes, yes.

Five objects there, Greg.

What reminds you of school in the
least good way out of them?

Well, obviously being hit
with a golf club.

One point to Fatiha, well done,
we're off the mark.

I mean, I guess I have
to judge it on

the things that make me go ""
the most, so I have

to give Stevie two points

because gel pens are a little bit
new for me.

Two to Stevie.

Three to the school dinner. OK.

For no other reason than
we need to move on. OK.

And...

I love the VHS trolley

but it also slightly reminds me
of my own teaching days.

And I love the romance of the map.

So five points to Jason,
four points to Mathew.

There we go. Well done,
Jason Mantzouka. Five points.

Right, let's get going.

OK, well, hands down

and heads up as we kick off
proceedings in the lab.

Hello, hello, hello.

Fancy seeing you here.

Jason.

Alex.

Hi. Excellent entrance. Thank you.

Is this the lab?

Wait, am I in the wrong room?

It's the lab, innit?

Bit weird. Can we read this?
I'm not wasting any time. Right.

Hello. Stevie.

Yes. Did you get lost?

I went to the wrong room.

Let's go.

Put your hands on the hands,

shut your eyes and keep them shut
until you hear the whistle.

Your time starts now.
Put your hands on the hands?

Yes, please. I'm scared. OK.

Are they shut?
Yeah, they're shut.

Marvellous.

OK, what?

Oi, don't make me look silly, innit.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Wow.

Can I open my eyes now?
Yes, if you've heard the whistle.

Ha-ha-ha! What... what is in there?

Yeah, that's what I thought,

two jars of piss.

You can pop your glasses on again,
if you want?

Son of a bitch.

OK, you can read the next part of
the task now.

You're taking the mick.
How am I going to do that?

I hate this.

Pour all the vinegar into
the fish tank.

Fastest wins.

For every millimetre spilt...

..one second will be added
to your time.

Your time starts when you heard
the whistle. OK.

Alex, where's the fish tank?

Let me guess, it's underneath me?

Is that a fish tank?
Is this a fish tank?

Good, Fatiha said "Oi, don't make me
look stupid, innit."

And all I've written is, you have
come to the wrong show, my friend.

No, she was furious from

the moment we said shut your eyes.
"for goodness' sake."

Yeah, that's how I am, honestly.

Once I went to the shop and they ran
out of the chocolate I wanted

and I called the police. Yeah.

You reported him cos he hadn't
kept up to speed

with his chocolate supply? Yeah.

Wow.

Well, we begin with Fatiha
and Jason...

..and Mat...

..and Stevie...

..and that's it, sorry Rosie,
here we go.

Laughing doesn't help.

I can't...

What happens if it smash...

Ooh.

It's going to take some time.

And I haven't thought through what
happens when I get to the edge.

Your fingers bend the wrong way.

Which way up are they?

That's amazing!

Don't start.

Don't start me off.

My assumption is I can...

Wow. Now what?

Come on, you.

Why are you laughing, bro?

OK.

Right, now we're cooking.

Perfect.

See you in a minute.
We're going to follow you.

Course you're going to follow me.

It's all science-y in here.

This season's theme? Science.

Goddamn.

It's probably in the shed.

Fish tank, fish tank, fish tank.

Pour the vinegar in the fish tank.

If I don't find it soon
I'm going to drink it. OK.

I'm either going to hate you
or I'm going to hate myself.

OK, well, I hope it's you in a way.

This is a tank.

No, it's not a tank.

Well, that's a sub...
It's a submarine.

All right, have I lost my mind?

You're taking the piss, bruv.
What's this?

What does it look like?

You fucking assholes.

Wait! Fish tank!

Fuck.

I just spilt some.

This is pouring everywhere.

OK, OK, I don't like that.

Son of a bitch.

Thank you.

This is good.

OK.

All the vinegar's in the fish tank?

Yeah, yeah, it is.
I've stopped the clock.

Done. Whoa! That was exciting.

Yeah, for you.

You're not the one that smells like
a chip shop now, innit.

Have I gone past it
and just not seen it?

I genuinely don't know,
I can't imagine so.

You genuinely don't know?

Bullshit.

Just doing laps now.

I'm going back in here.

Fuck off!

Hi, Mathew,
did you find the fish tank?

Yeah. Found the fish tank?

You remember I said I'd either hate
myself or you? Yeah.

It's you.

It seems that we have a very angry
cohort already this year.

Mathew ran around a garden.

What were you thinking when you were
just running round the garden?

Looking for a fish tank.

And then when you did find it,
you were very angry. Yeah.

What, were you angry at the pun?

Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's what we all got.
I think collectively.

Fairly, I agree with.

No, I mean, it was irritating.
So irritating.

Stevie, I was quite fascinated by
you suddenly shouting that if

you didn't find
the tank soon, you were going

to drink the liquid.

Especially as in the early part,
you'd identified it as piss.

It was quite dehydrating,
the process.

And also as well, I just completely
ignored the two jar lids.

It messes with your brain,
doesn't it? Yeah.

You learn this is the stuff
that he loves. Yeah.

He sits at home going "Ooh!".

And I can tell you that so far,
the person who's doing

the best in the task is Stevie.

You did seven minutes 42,
and you didn't spill anything.

Mat didn't spill anything either,
took 12 minutes, three seconds.

Looked worse than that but because
of the lack of spillage,

you were fine.

Jason, you were much quicker
but your

millilitres or spill-ilitres,
you could call them spill-ilitres...

Let's not do that.

..tipped you over to 17 minutes, 29.
I'm so sorry.

Because I was "penna-lised"
for spilling?

"PE-nalised", and Fatiha you were...
Yeah, yeah.

And Fatiha, ten minutes, 12.

But we're not going to find out how
Rosie's done till after the break.

That builds the tension.

It must be really shit.

Go on, then, off you pop.

I said it's break time - go!

Hello!

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Our first task is under way
and the new contestants

have been trying to pour all of
their vinegar into a fish tank.

A fish tank which turned out
to be a tank driven by a fish.

It's clever,
it's funny and it winds Greg up.

Tick, tick, tick.

For every millilitre spilt, one
second will be added to their time.

Rosie has watched all
of her rivals' attempts

and now she has to watch herself
back knowing

what's happened before her.
So good luck, Rosie.

Well done.

Can I go in here? OK.

Fish tank...

How's it going, Rosie?

Um, it's... I'm... no, I haven't
found anything yet.

This is a bath.

It's a... that's not a fish tank.

I don't think...
I've not seen a fish tank anywhere.

Nah.

I'm just looking for
a fish tank.

Anything could be a fish tank,
really, couldn't it?

OK.

Is that a fish tank or a jar?

It's a jar, isn't it?

Do you want me to stop the clock,
Rosie? Yeah, stop the clock.

OK, bye. OK, bye. Watch them fish.

I mean, should I disqualify you
or not?

No! What?

It's not a fish tank.

Do you want me to tell you the
definition of a fish tank?

I do want you to tell me. Well, it's
a tank driven by a fish...

..or a transparent container
of water in which live fish

and other water creatures
and plants are kept.

But I thought outside the box.

She did think outside the box.
I did think outside the box.

Well, shall I tell you the times?
And you can decide what to do.

Stevie was the quickest with 7.42,

then Fatiha, ten minutes,
Mat, 12 minutes,

Rosie was 15 and a half minutes.

OK. Didn't spill a drop.

Jason, cos of his spillage
was 17 minutes, 29.

If it had been a normal fish tank,
then I would be penalising Rosie but

because it was a stupid play
on words,

I'm going to allow
her fish tank.

Well done. Yay! Yes!

OK, so you're saying that
Jason comes last, one point.

Two points to Rosie, three to Mat,

four to Fatiha, but Stevie gets
the full five points!

Let's have our first
scoreboard, please.

Joint leaders with seven points
are Mat and Stevie.

What's next, my cylindrical
little piglet?

Don't mind that.

Backwards and forwards thing cool

a doing involves task next
this Greg well.

God.

You look very cool.

I know.

You look nice.

I look...?

Cool?

Cool guy.

Thank you.

If you could use one word to
describe me, what would it be?

Ridiculous.

Not what I was hoping for.

"Do something really cool.

"You have a maximum of ten minutes.

"Your time starts now."

Is there a bin?

Cool's sort of not caring.

Yeah, I don't care.

Or is it actually cool
to be passionate?

Now, super quick question,
can I get on the roof?

I would say you definitely
can't do that.

Really...? I can't go out
into traffic?

No.

Can't get on the roof,
can't go on the road.

You know what? Comedy thrives on
"yes, and", not "no, but".

It wasn't even "no, but".
It was "you definitely can't".

That's anti-cool.

OK.

What cool things can you do?

Let's think of cool things
I can't do. Right.

And then we try to find
something that I can do.

What's cool? What, what is cool?

Lemonade?

Yeah, lemonade is cool.

What do you do that's cool?

Sometimes spit.

Urgh.

What? Yuck.

I'm going to go and get a guitar.

It's time, Horne.

Yeah, happy with that?

Yeah, see you later, mate. Move.

Would...? Actually, would you
mind sitting down? So sorry.

OK, yeah, fine, yeah, sorry.

That's actually rude
rather than cool. I know.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

There is one more thing.

Great.

"Do your cool thing backwards.

"The cool thing backwards,
played backwards,

"that looks most like the forwards
cool thing, played forwards,

"wins."

"You have 15 minutes.
Your time starts now."

Well, I think I speak for all of us
when I say I'm looking forward to

Mathew playing a song backwards.

Well, we're going to start with

Martin Stevie doing something cool,
backwards.

It's time, Horne.

It's time, Horne.

So that was the footage
reversed, obviously.

Was it? Yes.

Stevie, I'm not one for platitudes,

it might be the single coolest thing
I've ever seen.

I enjoyed the addition of the
little man popping out of the bin.

I've got no notes.

Fine.
It will go downhill, right?

Well, there's Mat playing guitar
next, so... Here we go.

I'm Mathew Baynton,
and this is Cool.

Hey, I'm Mathew Baynton.

And this is... Cool.

Pretty looc.

Really looc.

I mean, I thought you
were this generation's Morrissey

before I even... before I even
saw it reversed.

Quite Eurovision,
sort of '70s Eurovision.

It straddles the genres.
It does. Yeah.

I mean, if this is the last thing
you achieve in your life,

you've done well, I think.

I think it's powerful.

Thank you.
Can I get a rewind?

You can, because it's time
for Rosie Ramsey.

Can you give me a sick, sick beat?

OK.

I've got kids. Yes.

I actually felt like we were
watching CCTV from a secure unit.

Really, really bad.

OK.

And now, as I always say

partway through Alex's and my
playful wrestling sessions,

it's time for a break!

Hello. Welcome back to
the third part of the show,

where our cool new contestants
have to be cool

and then do that cool thing
backwards.

Yeah, this guy knows his shiz.

Next up, and good luck guessing
what's happening here, Greg,

it's Fatiha's attempt.

What the fuck's going on?

Do you want to see it going
forward?

Well, I need to, cos at the moment
I just feel angry.

OK, well, this is the cool thing
she did forwards,

then let's see if you understand it
after that.

If we get some sweets
and then you eat one

and I can tell which one it is
by the way you're chewing.

For real, man. For real.
I'm not even playing with you.

Well, that's quite cool.
I'm so good at that game.

Yeah, go.

It's in.

OK! Right.

Start chewing it.

Is it this?

Is it this?

Is it this?

This is not going to plan.

Yeah!

I only had seven goes.

And I got it on the eighth.

Wow, pleased?

Yeah, if we were holding hands
I would've got it on the first one.

OK, Fatiha, what's going on here?

Because that's not a known game.

It is. Me and my friend play it
all the time and I always win.

Play? Yeah.

What, present tense?

Only with him,
cos you have to have a connection.

Do you know why it didn't work?

Because muppet features over there
had glasses on.

So it was Alex's fault.

Yeah, it was.

Why didn't you tell me
to take the glasses off?

Cos I thought...

Shut up!

Who buys the sweets, do you...?

Any of us. Either...
If he doesn't bring them,

do you call the police on him?

OK, one left to see, Greg.
Yeah.

It's Jason Mantzoukas.

Locked... door.

Locked door.

Lock pick set.

You've got 30 seconds.

Lock... pick set.

Cool!

Looc!

Pretty cool, right?

It was pretty cool.

Yeah! I mean, what am I, Magnum PI?

Where did they come from?

My bag.

Undeniably impressive.

I've been side-tracked, though,
by when you were asked

where you got the
lock picking set... Yes.

..um, you replied, "From my bag."
Correct. OK.

Who are you?

Well, you might have also heard me
say, "Who am I, Magnum PI?"

Because that is where
I learned those skills. So...

And I became obsessed with
picking locks. So you went...

So I bought a lock pick set.
OK.

And you can also buy practice
locks... OK, don't...

..that you can practise...
..don't use this tone

that I'm the fool here.

Listen up, dummy!

Yes, and if you're wondering,

the lock pick set is in
my dressing room right now.

Who do you let on this show, bruv?

Says fucking Guess The Sweet.

Well, who's only going to get
one point, then?

Well, Fatiha. Correct.
What?!

What?

I feel like I've dissed Rosie
really badly,

but it's probably
the least accurate.

Two points for Rosie.

God. Everybody else was
pretty good.

Maybe Jason gets three.

I'm going to make a rogue decision
and say that,

because I think that
he moved the hearts of the nation

with his beautiful song,

I'm going to give Mathew
the five points, and then...

Four to Stevie, five to Mathew.

Incredible. Caring is cool!

I'd like another task, please,
little Alex Horne.

OK. Yes, and roll up, roll up.

No, I don't mean reefers, Greg!

I mean it's time...

..for the greatest sporting event
of all time.

Wow.

Where have you been?

Just been for a little hike
around the forest, clearly.

Shall we do it?

By we I mean me, and you just...

..stand around.

"Win the Pea Olympics."

"Win the Pealy-mpics."

Pea-lympics.

Well, P-E-A-L-Y.

"Pealy".

M-P-I-C-S, "mpics".

Pealy-mpics.
Pealy-mpics.

There are five events.

The top two performers in each event
get a medal.

Most medals wins.

So it doesn't matter
if you come first or second,

as long as you come first or second.

All right. Yeah? Yeah.

Ready for the Pealympics?

I... Do I have a choice?

No.

Yeah, exactly.

OK. Straight in? Straight in.

Well, first up it is Fatiha

and Mat-iha.

Five events.
This is event number one.

Work out which pillow the pea
is under...

In the fewest guesses.

You have three minutes.

Well, it could be any of them,
couldn't it?

Could be.

I think it's that yellow one.
Right.

Chop, chop.
It's not under there.

The green one next to it, please.

Right. No.

The order of colours
changes around here.

That's interesting.

Is that arbitrary?

Either is or isn't.

Two, four, six, eight,
ten...

How many are there? 26.

It's a nice number.

Whatever. I don't feel like
it makes a difference.

20 seconds to find the pea.

That green one over there.

Er, no.

Two seconds.

No sign of the pea.

Well, that was a waste of time.
Yeah, I agree.

Right, ready for the second event?
Wow.

If you wouldn't mind going back
to your spot.

If you don't mind, I'd like to
just dwell on the regret.

Yeah. No, that's fine.

"Balance your pea on
the highest tower of carrots.

"You have three minutes."

I don't have the pea.

Want me to get you the pea?

There we go.

You're out of order.

Are you taking one of mine,
are you?

I think it counts, doesn't it?

12 seconds left.

Not long now. Two seconds, really.

My God! No!

Aww!

Event number two is over.

It's a lovely tower.

No pea.

Right, event number three.

OK.

"Catch a pea fired
from the pea catapult.

"If you catch a pea in one hand,

"your time is divided by two.

"If you catch a pea in your mouth,

"your time is divided by five."

Good luck, Mathew.

Here they come.

Literally can't see it.

Couldn't see it.

Wait, I can't even see it.

I can't see it!

Can you do more than one?

Yeah.

Do it again.

Why couldn't you do it with, like,
the big beans,

the haricot
or whatever they're called?

Why are you getting these?
Who's catching these?

I'm not a bird.

Um, if it gets in my hijab,
does that count?

Yeah, that counts.
I've got loads.

Congratulations.

OK this, this is the last one.

Please.

Is there a pea in your hand?

No.

That's the end of
event number three.

"Throw a pea the furthest."

Towards the river, please.

So into the wind?

Yeah.

Throw a pea that way?

That... Yeah, it must be
in that direction, yeah.

I know you're deranged, right,

so I know I'm going to throw this

and then you're going to make me
go and get it.

That's not coming out.

Few practices.

Are you going to actually throw
the...?

Yeah. I'm going to throw
the real one now.

You've got ten seconds.

It's there.

"Find your thrown pea the fastest."

"You have a maximum of
three minutes.

"Time started when you opened
the task!"

Be careful.

Why did I do practices?

There's my pea, can you see it?

That one's my one.

You've found your pea.
Yeah, I did.

Is that it?
Yeah, that's it.

You've got two minutes ten.

You're meant to be finding peas,
not carrots.

I've stopped the clock.

Yes!

Mathew, we're not even one full
episode into this series, and I...

..I think you might be
close to the edge.

That is not even close
to my lowest ebb.

I remember that fondly, if anything.

Fabulous.

Fatiha, I'm sure you find this show
an inconvenience.

How dare you?
How dare...?

I caught fucking five peas, bruv.
Are you mad?

Yes, well. Um...

So, that's the end of part three.

Who will win the episode

and then have to drag home
a TV trolley?

Not me, and that's all that matters!

Welcome back to the final part

of this first outing
with our new competitors.

Before the break they'd been
taking part in

our very own pea based Olympics.

Yes. The old Pealy-mpics.

Five events, and just three
legume legends to go.

So last up to the mark,
it's Rosie, Stevie and Jason.

"Work out which pillow
the pea is under.

"You may not tamper with the pillow
before guessing."

So just guess?
Maybe.

I'm going to guess this one.

Nope. No.

No. No.

Do you know where the pea is?

No. No. No.

The peas don't talk?

I don't think peas can talk.
I've lost my mind.

No, they're vegetables.

I'm just going to guess this guy,

and this guy.

I'm going to guess this guy...

There's no way of...
It has to be guessed. Really?

So I'm just going to do them all.

There! Look!

This guy, this guy...

There it is!

I like your system.

Yeah, I just chose different guys
to, to flip over.

That one.

There's two peas under there!

Well, weirdly you've put a pea
under the right pillow.

No...
So it was clever but unnecessary.

Yeah, and I also tampered with it
so I've lost. OK, cool!

Jesus Christ!

Good luck.

"Balance your pea on the highest...

"Tower of carrots."

I'm not good at building stuff,
you know. Right.

I wouldn't have said that
a carrot was a rolly veg but...

Yeah, all right.

Yeah.

Have you washed these carrots?

We will.

I'm so proud of myself!

12 seconds.

That's as good as I'm going to get,
I think.

Ten seconds.

Where's the pea?!

This is...

This is the pea. This is the pea.
Two seconds.

NO!

Aww!

I mean, this irrelevant.

That's a lovely tower.

Will you do any better
in event number three?

"Catch a pea fired from
the pea catapult."

"If you catch a pea in your mouth,
your time is divided by five."

Good luck.
OK, go.

What? How?

Can you do one test, please?

Got it.

Let's see.

OK.

What about if you fire it

right into my face?

55 seconds.

Did you catch one? No!

Yes!

You got a pea!

Here we go.

Let's see.

Congratulations.

"Throw a pea the furthest."

Now, I'll be honest,
I'm going to chuck this in there.

Nobody's ever going to find it.

Pea is inside.

The pea has been thrown.

I think it got down to here.

Did it?

Have you found the pea yet?

No.

Got it!

I've stopped the clock.

I will need to check the pea's
in it.

Any sign of the pea?

20 seconds, worth hurrying up.

OK. I'll try another bit.

You found the pea.
I found the pea.

Come on.

If I'd have got that carrot tower...

It... it all rested on
that carrot tower.

I've stopped the clock.

My God!

Wow, that's the most joyous moment
so far.

Unbelievably, she found a pea
in a field

quicker than these two
found carrots in a field.

But you found loads of other carrots
before your one.

I had loads of dummy carrots.
You took over two minutes.

She found hers in
a minute and a half. Wow.

Now, onto the tragic story
of this particular Pealympics.

But there was a victory within
your attempt, wasn't there?

I mean, no-one's made a better
carrot tower than that, ever.

Thank you. But I then lost
because the pea rolled off.

Yes. No, I know. I mean...

The pea and carrot...
..it's all for nothing.

Well, the medal ceremony will
happen on the screen behind me

and I can tell you that, Stevie,

as you can see, you did get one
medal for your catch in your mouth.

Mat, you also got one medal.

So you come joint fourth.

You get two points.

Fatiha, you got two golds
in your tower and your find.

You are third.

Two people in first place.

Jason, with your two golds
and your silver.

Rosie, you got one gold
and two silvers.

So you both get five points.

Well done.

Shall we have a quick look
at the scores?

Yes. Fatiha, you are in...

..last place with nine points.

Jason and Mat in the lead on 14.

Ooh.

Please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!

Hello, there, sweet cheeks.
Hi, Greg.

Who'll be reading the task?

I would like Rosie Ramsey
to read it, please. Rosie.

Pleasure.

Get the most raisins
in your wine glass.

You may only touch raisins
with your mouth.

You must not bend at the waist

and your hands must be
behind your back at all times.

Also, every time you drop
a raisin into your wine glass,

you must shout the name
of one of your competitors.

That competitor must immediately
shout their name too.

If they don't,
Alex will empty their wine glass.

Oof.

You have 100 seconds.

Wow.

So, Greg is going to be watching
the waist work.

Greg, if you think someone's bending
I'll come over.

My God, I'll be on them
like a puma.

Yes.

But also, I'll empty
their wine glass.

OK, good luck, everyone.
Your time starts on the whistle.

Don't bend that waist.

You must shout someone's name
if you...

Jason!

Jason!

Rosie, shout.

Stevie!

R... Rosie.
No. No. What?!

Mathew.
Mathew.

You must shout your own name.

Fuck! Well...

Rosie! Language.

Rosie!

Stevie!

Rosie.

Rosie.

Rosie, you didn't shout your
own name.

She did shout Rosie.

Jason. Jason!

Fatiha!

Rosie.

No, you've got to say your own name.
Fatiha!

Well, I would empty it but...
Rosie!

..there's nothing in it.
Rosie! Rosie!

30 seconds left.

Stevie! Stevie!

Rosie! Rosie!

Raisins go in there somehow.

Jason! There's no way.

Jason!

Mathew! Jason!

Mathew. Jason! Fatiha!

Ten seconds left.
Fatiha.

Rosie!

Rosie, you didn't...

Mathew! Mathew! Rosie!
Rosie!

Stop. Stop.

Fabulous.

Listen, we'll work the scores out,
we'll add them to your final scores.

Please come down and join me!

Well, well, well. That was insane.

I guess we start with Fatiha.

You didn't get any raisins in
your glass in the end.

And there's a very good reason for
that, isn't there, Fatiha? Yeah.

My shoes are new.
I'm not getting on the floor, right?

All right?

She gets one point, weirdly,
which is more than

the amount of raisins she got
in the glass.

So it's one to Fatiha.

Jason ended up with just
three raisins in his glass.

Two points to Jason.

Incredibly, Stevie and Rosie both
got

70 raisins in their glass.

My God!

So they share second place
and four points each.

But Mathew, with 315 raisins,
gets five points.

Incredible. Incredible.

So I've got the episode scores.

In first place it's Mat
with 19 points.

Mathew wins.

Please head up to the stage
and snap up your school day stuff.

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