Original subtitles

[ Static ]

♪♪

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometime I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to His kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

♪ Let it blow ♪

My turn.

Hell no. Hey, man, let me drive

that thing, come on! Do not touch the trim!

Four whores and seven beers ago,

I, Abraham Lincoln, hereby surrender to the South.

I can't compete

with their tenacious battlefield superiority.

Slave chains? How is this "foto fun"?

Aw, here we go.

Jabba the Hutt has slaves.

But when the South does it, everyone loses their damn mind.

No. That's it. I'm out.

-Aw, come on, Tammi. -It was a states'-rights issue.

[ Bulb pops ]

This is a good one of all three of us.

Yeah. Quick.

[ Camera shutters clicking ] [ Clears throat ]

Now, you know, if these was in color

I would have bought a picture and a mouse pad.

But don't make 'em so yellow next time.

[ Grunts ] No wonder these hats went out of style.

They too damn itchy!

Ooh! My tactical helmet's itchy as hell.

Sheriff: You know, that's funny.

My novelty poo emoji hat's itchy, too,

and I just won this thing over at the ring toss.

You don't think... we got lice, do you?

That's impossible. I don't have lice.

But I wouldn't put it past you.

Why me? I shampoo every day!

Well I shampoo, too,

and I haven't had human contact in over three years.

That's why I try to hug everybody all the time.

God, my mustache is itching like crazy.

Why is Randy home?

Lice outbreak at the school.

Kids were saying he brought it. What are you doing?

I bought him that for his baptism!

My baby did not bring lice to that school.

Who do you think it was, then?

[ Grunting ]

These bristles ain't stiff enough!

That's why you gotta try before you buy.

Maybe you get you a new hat, it won't be so itchy for ya.

"GAWS"? What the hell is a "GAWS"?

I want a English hat!

Well, this one's a trip.

Ugh! No!

Damn it! It's these damn slogans!

I must be having a reaction to these inferior hat slogans.

[ Grunting ]

[ Crowd shouting ]

Bobby: All right. Calm down, folks!

Only one shampoo per customer.

Lice combs and magnifying glasses are in aisle 19.

You need to do something about this, Sheriff.

Well, Glenn, what would you have me do?

Arrest the lice?

I ain't got that many tiny handcuffs. [ Chuckles ]

Don't be an asshole. It's a public-health crisis.

And you know exactly who's responsible.

-Deuces, y'all. -He doesn't even play tennis!

♪♪

Knock, knock.

Oh. Good, Early. You're already dealing with it.

That's right. I use bacon fat to style my hairdo.

Pork pomade.

I'm rockin' a home remedy --

mayonnaise, vinegar, and olive oil.

Ooh. Olive oil. A walking party sub --

at a party that nobody wanna go to.

Well, no, I just did this to kill the lice, Early.

Lice? What the hell?!

You brought lice into my household?

Oh, no, no. Look.

I'm not saying you have lice --

Good, 'cause my head's itchy enough

with all this damn dandruff I got.

Uh, you mind if I take a peek at that dandruff, Early?

Yep. It's lice, all right. [ Hisses ]

Then I get it from you, bitch.

They must've come from your ass,

where your head spends most of the damn day.

How did my ass get lice? Oh, no!

Now, listen, pointing fingers ain't gonna solve the problem.

Actually, it does, if you point a finger

at the one who created the problem.

Look, Denny, everybody in town's got lice,

so we just gotta put our heads together.

[ Chuckles ] N-Not literally,

because head-to-head contact will spread the lice.

Are you telling me I can't head-butt nobody from now on?

No, no. Just for the 24-hour incubation period.

Government overreach! [ Grunts ] [ Groans ]

Tell him about the hats.

Well, Early, um...

You tell him, Denny.

Hats? What hats? I don't wear no hats.

You know exactly what hats.

Look, I know you love your hats, but they're contaminated.

They're just gonna have to be destroyed.

And with that, I think we've reached

the "get the hell off my property" portion

of our conversation.

You're trying to censor my freedom of speech!

My hats will not be silenced!

He'll come around. Yeah, he will.

With his lice. And that's the problem.

You'll get my hats when you pry them from my cold, dead head!

[ Siren wails in distance ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Beeping ]

What the hell?

[ Echoing ] Ooh! Look at that!

Ow.

My God. Look at this place.

I wear a lot of hats in this family.

See?

[ Dramatic music plays ]

See my hats?

It's the story of your life, told in hat form.

"I'm a P.A.W.G DAWG."

Stands for "Phat Ass White Girls."

These hats, they're like my damn children.

You have a clear favorite, but you can't really share

that with the rest of them. They won't understand it.

Daddy, what you gonna do? I mean,

Sheriff says you gotta destroy every one of these.

Well, I ain't gonna do it!

But he said them hats got lice.

That's exactly what the lice want him to think.

They're in his brain, controlling his thoughts now.

Ain't no lice in these hats,

because I wear every hat to suffocate the damn lice!

Pastor Nubbins: "Let my people go,

or I shall bring forth a plague of locusts."

Now, why would I reference a plague of insects today?

Hmm?

I see a lot of head-scratching out there.

Anybody? Oh, God.

Just cut to the chase.

Early. Early's infected with lice.

Persecution!

Jesus wore a hat like mines, only his had thorns.

They tried to make him shave his hair and his beard,

and when he refused, they put him on unpaid leave,

even though he was the son of God.

Early, that's not anywhere close to what happened.

Uh, well, I don't listen in here.

Y'all need to set your words to music and rhyme it.

Get you some graphics up there, throw some metal chairs.

That's how they do it on wrestling.

I love me some wrestling.

Aw, damn it.

Let's just tie him down and shave his ass.

I mean, we're the police. [ Crowd shouting ]

Everybody hold on, now. Just calm down.

If we make this shameful for him,

he's just gonna double down.

We gotta make him think it's his idea.

We dipped all these hats in lice-resistant vermijeli,

and we tried to print up slogans that he might respond to.

"Itch, please." "Lice Like Good Head."

[ Chuckles ] Hey. You nailed him to a T, Bobby.

[ Static hisses ] He's on the property.

Everybody to their stations.

Engage the target!

Uh, hello and welcome to Ball Mart.

Uh, free hats today.

Sheriff: Stay with him, Leroy.

Funnel him toward the hats.

You -- You look like a hat man.

Uh, w-we giving out free hats, today only.

Uh, come over to the hats --

After lunch.

I can't pick out no hats on an empty stomach.

What's up, little girl?

Mm-mmm! You look good.

I had to shave my head cause of you, dipshit.

I do like me that smooth look, butter bean.

Mm-hmm! I shaved everything.

The drapes...

the shag carpet...

and the throw rug.

That's what I call my toe hair.

Mmm! Mmm! Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Sheriff: Get him out of there.

[ Moaning ] Hats! We got free hats, Early.

Don't forget. They going fast.

Go on. Pick anyone you like for fit and finish.

Let's see.

"Itch, please"?

That's a little bit too highbrow for me.

"Lice like good head"?

I don't care for the double entendre.

I think I'm gonna take this one right...here.

Denny: That ain't a hat! That's a tube sock!

Sheriff: Abort! We didn't dip those!

Yeah. This one here'll do. Abort!

God damn it.

Wow.

He is playing 3-D chess,

which is regular chess with some extra stuff.

Uh, I don't know how to play chess.

[ Static hisses ] It's all on you now, Bobby.

Early. Hey, Early. Come here.

We're giving out free samples of our new aftershave

and scalp cologne, Bronco Dieselman.

It drives the ladies crazy.

Most bitches are already crazy.

Just try a little bit -- just a little bit behind them ears.

Smells like DDT and... [sniffs] creosote.

I like it. All right.

Now, turn around and cock 'em.

What is this, Saturday night?

[ Laughs ] There we go.

Sheriff: Way to go, Bobby.

All right! Whoo! Finally. The Eagle has landed!

Well, I appreciate y'all.

You have a nice day, now.

Sheriff: Don't let him put on the hats.

Grab his hats! He's getting away!

Leroy, you're supposed to grab the hats!

[ Static hisses ]

Damn it.

We tried it your way.

Now we gonna do this... Denny style.

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Groans ] I wish my head was a cow's ass

so I could have me a tail to swat these

sons of bitches away with. [ Knock on door ]

Daddy, somebody's at the door.

Uh, who the hell is it?

It's, uh...

everyone.

[ Crowd shouting ]

They're here for the hats! Quick, lice! Go!

Protect the hats!

-[ Grunts ] -Get him.

Point us to the hats, and we'll be on our way.

Oh, I'm gonna sheer your ass like a sheep.

Where are the hats?

There ain't no hats here.

Hold him down.

[ Grunts ] Run, hats! Run!

Save yourselves!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Roaring ]

No! No!

[ Shrieking ]

[ Crying ] What have you done?!

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Crying ]

[ Wind whistling ]

Daddy, I know you're still sad over them hats you lost, but --

but me and Randy made you a new hat last night at dinner.

This hat is stupid. [ Sniffs ]

Smells like chicken.

[ Crying ]

It's all right, Randy. Come on. Let's go.

Well, uh... [ Clears throat ]

That was a little nuts last night, wasn't it?

I-I-I apologize.

I-I think we just lost it.

And we flipped a bunch of cars after that, too.

That wasn't right.

My life's work... in embers.

Listen. I want to make it right.

So...here.

[ Sniffs ] It's shampoo.

I ain't never use no shampoo before.

Well, I like this a lot,

and it makes my hair shiny and --

Oh. No. No. Early...

Whoo! Hell yeah! [ Burps ]

Shampoo tastes gooder than hell, baby!

It does? You mind if I, uh...

[ Gulps, gags ]

No, it doesn't! [ Coughs ]

Granny: Made in Georgia.