Original subtitles

[ Static ] [ Static ] [ Static ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪ ♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪ ♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to His kingdom ♪ ♪ When God comes and calls me to His kingdom ♪ ♪ When God comes and calls me to His kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪ ♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

♪ Oh, let her blow ♪ My turn.

Hell no. Hey, man, let me drive

that thing, come on! Do not touch the trim! that thing, come on! Do not touch the trim!

♪♪ ♪♪

Homemade surf 'n' slosh. Homemade surf 'n' slosh.

Just as good as store-bought, at a fraction of the price.

I life-hacked this bitch! I life-hacked this bitch!

All you did was take the tarp off the roof.

And is that our shower curtain? And is that our shower curtain?

Listen to him bellyache

about a shower curtain,

and we ain't even got a shower. and we ain't even got a shower.

Now hold my beer.

Oh! This is paint thinner. Oh! This is paint thinner.

"Hold my beer" is a fun thing to say

before you do something exciting and badass, before you do something exciting and badass,

but also very safe

and definitely won't end in tragedy. and definitely won't end in tragedy.

Hell yeah, baby!

Oof!

Oh! Oh, God!

The rocks! Aah!

There are so much! Oh, God!

I should've picked them out! I should've picked them out!

Oof! But I'm too lazy!

Oh, God!

No! No!

Oh, God! Oh!

Oh, it burns!

Oh. Oh.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-wee!

Hell yeah! It worked! Hell yeah! It worked!

Go on, do it, Granny!

Oh, well,

I was gonna decline... I was gonna decline...

Tell them to hold your beer and do it!

Okay. Okay.

Hold my beer.

I don't have a beer, but would you

hold my teeth, dear? hold my teeth, dear?

I don't wanna lose them.

Ah, suck on this, you pussy-y-y-y-y! Ah, suck on this, you pussy-y-y-y-y!

[ Screeching ] Oh, my God! [ Screeching ] Oh, my God!

-Giant owl! -Aaaaaaah!

It's got Granny! Shoot it down!

You shoot it! I've got to hide! You shoot it! I've got to hide!

-Aah! -Aah!

[ Gunshots ] Granny! [ Gunshots ] Granny!

[ Gunshots ] Aah!

♪♪ ♪♪

[ Organ plays ] Granny and I,

we had our differences we had our differences

and I may have fantasized

about her getting snatched up by a giant owl, about her getting snatched up by a giant owl,

but I never really wanted that to happen. but I never really wanted that to happen.

Eugh! Green been casserole.

Don't you work at the hot wing place? Don't you work at the hot wing place?

That's the only reason why I invited your ass.

Just give it back to me. Just give it back to me.

That owl took the wrong squid.

Oh, don't be like that!

Just set it over on the "Maybe" table, Just set it over on the "Maybe" table,

as in, maybe I'll get a dog someday. as in, maybe I'll get a dog someday.

An owl attack

in the middle of the daytime, huh?

I know. It's terrifying. I know. It's terrifying.

Day owls. I never heard of anything like it. Day owls. I never heard of anything like it.

'Cause it didn't happen.

I'll bet he chopped her into little pieces

and scattered her all over the back 40. and scattered her all over the back 40.

Denny! Now's not the time.

Rusty saw it happen. Rusty saw it happen.

Their stories all match up.

Then I said, "Take me, you winged devil!" Then I said, "Take me, you winged devil!"

For the most part.

And I jumped up and put the beast And I jumped up and put the beast

in a airborne figure-4 headlock,

but she shook me off, 'cause they got them

twisty necks, like a Lazy Susan. twisty necks, like a Lazy Susan.

Well, yeah, you know.

I know you did what you could. I know you did what you could.

-[ Coughing ] -I got to --

I got to get, now.

Then, the bird carried her off.

[ Crying ] I'll never forget [ Crying ] I'll never forget

her final words --

"Make sure you have a fix-your-own-fajita bar "Make sure you have a fix-your-own-fajita bar

at my serviiiice!"

Right, so we'll -- we'll see you in church? Right, so we'll -- we'll see you in church?

Well, Granny made us go to that, you know?

So, don't freak out if our attendance drops off a bit. So, don't freak out if our attendance drops off a bit.

-Of course. -But maybe next week,

bring some more of that seven-layer dip. bring some more of that seven-layer dip.

That stuff was a hit with me.

Well, this isn't really a weekly thing, Early. Well, this isn't really a weekly thing, Early.

It's kind of a one-shot deal.

[ Crying ] So, you think grief just goes away, huh? [ Crying ] So, you think grief just goes away, huh?

[ Sniffle ] Like my granny there,

when she was snatched up by a giant owl. when she was snatched up by a giant owl.

I guess I need some sort of grief owl

to swoop down and steal my sadness away. to swoop down and steal my sadness away.

[ Sobs ] Now get out of here! [ Sobs ] Now get out of here!

I need to be alone!

[ Sobbing ]

This poor baby.

Look at him, shivering.

He's scared to death he's gon' get snatched up. He's scared to death he's gon' get snatched up.

Oh, now, boy. You know your daddy

ain't gonna let no big-ass owl get you. ain't gonna let no big-ass owl get you.

You see me work a Tae Bo stick, ain't you?

Waa-hoo! Ha!

-[ Gasp ] -Oh, sorry, buddy. -[ Gasp ] -Oh, sorry, buddy.

But, in a way, you're very lucky,

'cause if this was a real Tae Bo stick, 'cause if this was a real Tae Bo stick,

you'd be dead right now.

[ Echoing ] Well, looky here. [ Echoing ] Well, looky here.

Seems the giant owl

left Granny's skull in this burn barrel. left Granny's skull in this burn barrel.

-Denny! -This is a crime scene.

Tape it off. -No, no, no.

That's a raccoon skull. That's a raccoon skull.

I'mma make that into a gearshifter.

Well, we'll see if the boys at the GBI agree with you, Well, we'll see if the boys at the GBI agree with you,

'cause I think your owl story's a bunch of hooey.

[ Chuckle ] I hear that. [ Chuckle ] I hear that.

Glenn, are you out of your mind?

There's a giant owl on the loose. There's a giant owl on the loose.

Yeah, I'm not living in fear.

Good luck, sheeple.

If there is a giant owl up there, If there is a giant owl up there,

he don't want a taste of the G-Dog,

[ Wings flapping ] I promise you. [ Wings flapping ] I promise you.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Owl screeching ] Oh, my God!

Aah! [ Gasping ] Aah! [ Gasping ]

Mommy!

[ Coos ]

Shush. Shh! Shush. Shh!

[ Gasp ]

[ Coos ] [ Coos ]

Oh!

[ Coos ]

Oh, oh, he's looking at me! Oh, oh, he's looking at me!

Denny, don't...move. Denny, don't...move.

[ Hyperventilating ]

Me not stay here! Aah!

Denny, no! You can't outrun him! Denny, no! You can't outrun him!

-[ Screeching ] -Aah! Aah!

Aaaaah! Aaaaah!

Ahhh-ooohh-woo!

[ Gong crashes ] [ Gong crashes ]

♪♪

Oh, my God, he's got me! Oh, my God, he's got me!

He's got my head! -Rusty!

No! Hell no!

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Put him down, you dumb jerk!

[ Grunting ] [ Grunting ]

[ Gunshots ] [ Gunshots ]

[ Gasping ]

Did I -- Did I get him? Did I -- Did I get him?

[ Air hissing ]

[ Crying ] Oh, no! My boy! [ Crying ] Oh, no! My boy!

Looks like we have to do this again next week.

No veggies, this time.

Unless you count mac & cheese. Unless you count mac & cheese.

The real cheese, not the powdered! The real cheese, not the powdered!

♪♪ ♪♪

Mr. Halen, we're gonna need

trackers, sharpshooters, and wildlife experts. trackers, sharpshooters, and wildlife experts.

I know you don't like the feds coming

down here, but, that might be down here, but, that might be

the only way you -- -Hold on. Stop, stop.

Has the owl attacked any humans that we know of? Has the owl attacked any humans that we know of?

Well, no.

Just Granny and Rusty, so far, Just Granny and Rusty, so far,

but, you know -- -So, squids, exclusively.

Seems to me this owl craves Seems to me this owl craves

a chewy treat with a gushy middle,

and the Cuyler clan seems to fit that bill. and the Cuyler clan seems to fit that bill.

Frankly, I-I don't see the downside. Frankly, I-I don't see the downside.

But -- But when the squids are gone, you know,

they might come after the humans. they might come after the humans.

No. Apple-picking season will proceed as planned. No. Apple-picking season will proceed as planned.

And can we stop reporting the owl attacks, please?

If we don't count them, there won't be any. If we don't count them, there won't be any. If we don't count them, there won't be any.

[ Radio chatter ] [ Engine idling ]

[ Keys jingling ] Here we are, Denny.

You stay frosty out there. You stay frosty out there.

Keep your head on a swivel, son.

The swivel only goes side-to-side. The swivel only goes side-to-side.

I mean, the owl,

she's right above us. -Goddamn it!

You know what I mean. You know what I mean.

It's weapons hot out there

and, if you wait 'til that owl swoops,

it'll be too damn late. it'll be too damn late.

So just fire it up in the air everywhere? So just fire it up in the air everywhere?

That's right.

Remember your training --

officers always shoot first officers always shoot first

and empty your clip.

We can always plant a gun in the owl's beak later. We can always plant a gun in the owl's beak later.

Now, Denny,

hold my beer, buddy.

[ Tearfully ] You hold my beer. [ Tearfully ] You hold my beer.

Alright, now, on the count of three -- Alright, now, on the count of three --

1, 2 --

[ Gunshots ] -Aah! -Denny, wait!

[ Gunfire ] Both: Aah! [ Gunfire ] Both: Aah!

Aaaaaaah!

-Aaaaah! -Out of ammo!

Got to reload! -Aaah!

-Reload! Reload! Reload! -Aaaaah! -Reload! Reload! Reload! -Aaaaah!

[ Gunfire ] Both: Aaaah!

Aaaaah! Aaaaah!

Aaaaah!

-Hey, you left early. -You said on three! -Hey, you left early. -You said on three!

-It's "1, 2, 3, go." -You said

on three! -There's a "go" aspect to it. on three! -There's a "go" aspect to it.

[ Slurp ]

May I help you?

No, but I can help you. No, but I can help you.

I hear you're having a little owl problem.

Yes, ma'am, but it ain't little.

More like a flying minivan that eats people and never sleeps. More like a flying minivan that eats people and never sleeps.

Not people, just squid.

People are safe, from what I understand. People are safe, from what I understand.

Sounds like Ol' Hootie.

I've been tracking her for years. I've been tracking her for years.

Dr. Anastasia Evertree.

Yeah, thank you, doctor, but the men Yeah, thank you, doctor, but the men

can take it from here, okay?

"The men"? Ha! Aren't you cute. "The men"? Ha! Aren't you cute.

Bet you look like a popcorn shrimp to Ol' Hootie.

Unh-unh! I will not have you Unh-unh! I will not have you

talk to me that way in this office!

Well, then, I'll talk to you that way on the hunting ground. Well, then, I'll talk to you that way on the hunting ground.

Take me there.

And try not to look so scrumptious, And try not to look so scrumptious,

Popcorn.

Pop, pop, pop! -Aah!

[ Laughs ]

I'm taking the tank. I'm taking the tank.

She's just being sassy.

Shaking up this boy's club. Shaking up this boy's club.

What are you doing, mister?

I'm taking the tank! I'm taking the tank!

♪♪

[ Blast, missiles whistling ] [ Blast, missiles whistling ]

Aah! Whah!

Aah! Aah!

Phew!

[ Pounding on door ]

Early, are you in there? Early, are you in there?

Go away! You'll lead that damn bird right to me.

I've got good news. I've got good news.

I'm here with a ornithologist.

That means it's a bird expert, from UGA. That means it's a bird expert, from UGA.

UGA?

Georgia Bulldogs between the hedges,

Herschel Walker football, go dogs, sic 'em? Herschel Walker football, go dogs, sic 'em?

[ Slurping ] -Early, you look like hell.

I'm so hungry, I've been eating I'm so hungry, I've been eating

from the "Maybe" table.

Mmm, ambrosia.

Uh, you mind if I -- Uh, you mind if I --

No! I'm still grieving here.

Ol' Hootie ain't as picky about what she eats. Ol' Hootie ain't as picky about what she eats.

Usually just swallows things whole Usually just swallows things whole

and craps out the bones.

How dare you sully the memory of my son and my granny How dare you sully the memory of my son and my granny

by dumping them as poop balls in my living room!

I don't want to remember them this way! I don't want to remember them this way!

Look closer.

I'm not seeing any squid remains, I'm not seeing any squid remains,

which means your family could still be alive.

But the only way we'll know for sure is to track this owl But the only way we'll know for sure is to track this owl

and, to draw the owl in, we're gonna need some bait. and, to draw the owl in, we're gonna need some bait.

And they don't want humans. They want squids.

The humans are safe. The humans are safe.

That-That's what we've seen, so far.

That's right. We need a squid. That's right. We need a squid.

Can you help us, Early?

[ Sigh ] Alright, if it's a squid you need, [ Sigh ] Alright, if it's a squid you need,

I guess I know what I have to do. I guess I know what I have to do.

Lil! Hey, girl!

It's been so long!

Give us a hug! Give us a hug!

No! I moved in with Emmett

to get away from all y'all

and my addiction triggers. and my addiction triggers.

Hey, I see Emmett's taking good care of you.

Sobriety suits you well. Sobriety suits you well.

She's not fucked up. This gon' be tricky.

You know what? I sure have missed you. You know what? I sure have missed you.

Let's reminisce, with you outside,

exposed to the sky and chained to this chain. exposed to the sky and chained to this chain.

I got some of that giggle juice.

Stop grabbing at me! Stop grabbing at me!

Where's Granny and Rusty?

Snatched up by an owl.

I said don't mention the killer owl, dumbass! I said don't mention the killer owl, dumbass!

Emmett: Lilith, is everything alright?

Just a salesman, honey. Just a salesman, honey.

But I ain't buying.

[ Owl screeching ] [ Owl screeching ]

Uh, ask her if we can come inside.

Let us in the goddamn house!

Get the bait and let's go! Get the bait and let's go!

Aha! So I'm bait?

Just let us inside!

-Stop! Stop! -Open the garage, at least! -Stop! Stop! -Open the garage, at least!

We're exposed out here!

[ Screeching ] [ Gunshots ]

Well, maybe if you suck in real hard,

you can squeeze inside the mailbox.

[ Laughs ] -You bitch! I'm gonna come back here [ Laughs ] -You bitch! I'm gonna come back here

and burn your goddamn house down! and burn your goddamn house down!

[ Pounding on door ] Emmett! That bitch is an addict!

She'll take you for all you've got!

[ Screeching ] Both: Aah! [ Screeching ] Both: Aah!

[ Gunshots ] [ Gunshots ]

[ Wings flapping ]

[ Scoff ] This is pathetic.

You need to man up, son. You need to man up, son.

Hoot hoot, little bitch!

Aah!

Early, he's right. Early, he's right.

Look, we've talked to every squid in my Rolodex. Look, we've talked to every squid in my Rolodex.

I guess the only thing left to do is

let me build a dome over the county? let me build a dome over the county?

Or,we could live beneath the soil,

as a race of mole people. as a race of mole people.

[ Crying ] Why are we doing this?!

-Don't fidget. -The dome would've brought -Don't fidget. -The dome would've brought

good jobs to this region!

So would the mole tunnels! So would the mole tunnels!

[ Echoing ] Mole tunnels! Mole tunnels!

[ Screeching ]

♪♪ ♪♪

[ Fabric rubbing ]

♪♪ ♪♪

It is too damn hot for corduroys! It is too damn hot for corduroys!

Anastasia: Continue to strut.

Keep rubbing them thighs together. Keep rubbing them thighs together.

The noise will attract the owl.

And put the mouse necklace back on. And put the mouse necklace back on.

[ Laughs ] It tickles.

It keeps crawling off! It keeps crawling off!

He ain't gonna last much longer.

We just need to get her close enough We just need to get her close enough

to hit her with a tracking dart.

And we can follow her in the chopper after that. And we can follow her in the chopper after that.

Are you certified to fly that thing?

I've watched a video.

I need to take a bio break. Can I take five? I need to take a bio break. Can I take five?

My neck is killing me, here. My neck is killing me, here.

Okay, fine, but make it quick.

[ Leaves rustling ] [ Leaves rustling ]

[ Pulley zipping ]

[ Belt buckle clinking ]

Can I get your phone and play Can I get your phone and play

that candy gem game --

"Bejazzled"? "Bejimboed"?

Denny, give him your phone.

Why my phone?

He's in the bathroom.

'Cause you got the ad-free version. 'Cause you got the ad-free version.

[ Echoing ] That's right. I can't go

if I'm playing "Bejimbo Light." if I'm playing "Bejimbo Light."

♪♪ Alright. Don't grab it

with the hand you wipe with.

I don't have a set wiping hand, per se. I don't have a set wiping hand, per se.

It's more of a rotation.

[ Splash ] Aah! I dropped it! [ Splash ] Aah! I dropped it!

Oh, dang it! Come on, now!

Oh, no! Denny, look out! Oh, no! Denny, look out!

-[ Screeching ] -Aah!

Dammit!

Denny & Early: Aah! Denny & Early: Aah!

Come on, come on, come on!

All: Aaaah!

[ Fires ] Aah! [ Fires ] Aah!

Denny: Aaaaah!

Aaaaaaah!

Oof! Get in the chopper! Oof! Get in the chopper!

-Aah! -Get out of the chopper! -Aah! -Get out of the chopper!

[ Explosion ]

[ Flames crackling ]

To the car! To the car!

I drive that way better!

[ Siren wailing ] [ Owl screeching ] [ Siren wailing ] [ Owl screeching ]

♪♪

Both: [ Gasp ] Both: [ Gasp ]

Aah!

Move, move!

Police coming through! Police coming through!

That's right, grab an apple.

There's nothing to fear because the giant owl, There's nothing to fear because the giant owl,

[ Screeching ] that's just a liberal --

Holy shit! Holy shit!

-Sorry! -No, not the corn maze!

Now, any rural idiot can solve it. Now, any rural idiot can solve it.

[ Siren wailing ] [ Fires ]

[ Screech ] Dammit! She's so fast! [ Screech ] Dammit! She's so fast!

She's headed out over the lake.

That fire-eyed, swivel-headed son of a biscuit eater. That fire-eyed, swivel-headed son of a biscuit eater. That fire-eyed, swivel-headed son of a biscuit eater.

-Whoa! -Hang on!

[ Fires ]

-Aah! -She's too far!

-[ Screeching ] -Help! Help me! -[ Screeching ] -Help! Help me!

[ Asphyxiating ]

[ Screeching ] [ Screeching ]

Look, she's stuck.

[ Tires screech ]

Take the shot! Take the shot!

Take the shot!

Take the shot!

Ah!

Ow! Aaaaah! Ow! Aaaaah!

-Help me! -Son of a bitch!

We lost her!

Maybe not. Look at this. Maybe not. Look at this.

[ Beeping ] These are all

Early's DUI bracelets.

I track him so I can bust him for another DUI. I track him so I can bust him for another DUI.

He's wearing 13 DUI bracelets? He's wearing 13 DUI bracelets?

Yeah, that's how many DUIs he's got. Yeah, that's how many DUIs he's got.

[ Clears throat ] And ankles.

Maybe you could've told me that

before we risked our lives before we risked our lives

getting a tracking dart on her!

[ Beeping ] Looks like they've stopped. [ Beeping ] Looks like they've stopped.

My God.

They're on the highest point in Dougal County -- They're on the highest point in Dougal County --

Mount General Lee. Mount General Lee.

You know, that famous car from "The Dukes of Hazzard."

Look! There she is! Look! There she is!

[ Screeching ]

Alright, let's get up there. Alright, let's get up there.

Shouldn't we get your deputy, first?

[ Splashing ] Denny: I can't swim! [ Splashing ] Denny: I can't swim!

Come get me!

I can't swim! Aah!

Aw, he'll be fine.

That's how my daddy taught me how to swim. That's how my daddy taught me how to swim.

So, your dad shot you with a tracking dart

and dropped you 100 feet into a reservoir? and dropped you 100 feet into a reservoir?

Well, it was a different time, you know. Well, it was a different time, you know.

Stop talking! I'm drowning down here!

Help!

[ Sigh ] Alright. [ Sigh ] Alright.

Hup.

[ Splash ] [ Splash ]

[ Wind whipping ]

[ Screeching in distance ] [ Screeching in distance ]

Hey! Ain't that our shithouse? Hey! Ain't that our shithouse?

[ Creaking ] [ Creaking ]

Daddy? You came to save us!

-Thank goodness! -We're saved!

[ Lock clicks ] [ Lock clicks ]

Daddy, let us in.

Occupied!

Oh, you want to play games, huh? Oh, you want to play games, huh?

Flip it.

-[ Grunting ] -No!

No, okay! No, okay!

Fine, stop, okay?

I'll let you in! I'll let you in!

Anastasia: The nest is up there.

Now, we just gotta climb the tower.

Hold on, guys.

I'm gonna slide across the hood.

[ Laughs ] Just like them dang-blasted Duke boys. [ Laughs ] Just like them dang-blasted Duke boys.

-No, no, no, don't -- -Yeehoo!

Ha! Oh, no! Ha! Oh, no!

Ah ah ah!

Somebody grab me!

Aaaaaaah!

[ Bones crack ] Oh! [ Bones crack ] Oh!

♪♪

Alright, I'm just gonna walk down, this time. Alright, I'm just gonna walk down, this time.

H-Hold my hand, will you, Denny? H-Hold my hand, will you, Denny?

♪♪

Man, this 5G radiation

must be why she's so big. must be why she's so big.

Will it make me bigger?

Sorry, big guy. Sorry, big guy.

[ Laughs ] I'm sorry

I even called you big guy.

Everyone knows you're not. Everyone knows you're not.

Uh, size isn't everything,

but it is more important than intelligence. but it is more important than intelligence.

Stop farting, man. I'm climbing

right through it!

Sorry, Denny. [ Laughs ] Sorry, Denny. [ Laughs ]

I bet farts smell worse for tiny people.

It's probably 'cause your lungs It's probably 'cause your lungs

are so small, they can't --

What are you doing?

If this bird likes 5G, If this bird likes 5G,

maybe she'll like 4C,

as in C-4, as in C-4,

military-grade explosives. [ Beeping ]

Denny, no! [ Click ] You're just gonna Denny, no! [ Click ] You're just gonna

blow the tower up, with us on it?

I guess the brains are smaller

on tiny people, too.

I do not negotiate with owls.

Keep your powder dry, little man. Keep your powder dry, little man.

I've got a couple of surprises

for Mr. Owl up there. for Mr. Owl up there.

That's Miss Owl.

[ Laughs ] I ain't about to miss no owl, [ Laughs ] I ain't about to miss no owl,

when I get him in my crosshairs.

It's a female! It's a female!

I guess, now, we have to have

pronouns for birds. pronouns for birds.

That's not really a pronoun.

It's more of an adjective -- You shut your tiny,

little mouth, Denny! little mouth, Denny!

[ Creaks ]

[ Hooting ] [ Hooting ]

Come on, now! Stop pushing!

Daddy, what -- what are you doing? Daddy, what -- what are you doing?

Ow! -I'm more comfortable back here,

[ Grunts ] away from the door.

When you come in last, When you come in last,

you should be closest to the door.

Daddy, I don't wanna be closer to the door

and get ate by no owl. and get ate by no owl.

I got a long life ahead of me.

Well, I'm not gonna give up my seat

in the back of the toilet, in the back of the toilet,

in honor of Ms. Rosa Parks.

Aw, man, don't pull the race card here. Aw, man, don't pull the race card here.

Don't you wanna be closest to the exit,

if the owl attacks? if the owl attacks?

Daddy, get out of the toilet.

Yeah, get out of the toilet.

We want in the toilet. We want in the toilet.

[ Echoing ] Oh, I see.

Women and children first, until we're lining up

to get eaten by that big-ass, giant-ass owl,

then, you got no problem [ Splash ]

with the patriarchy, huh? ♪♪ with the patriarchy, huh? ♪♪

Daddy, you playing "Bejimbo" down there?

I'm on the phone!

Oh, thank God they're alive. Oh, thank God they're alive.

[ Knocking ] Early?

I said I'm on the phone! I said I'm on the phone!

Sheriff, is that you?

Y'all just stay calm.

Law enforcement's on the scene. Law enforcement's on the scene.

We're gonna create a tear gas perimeter,

taser these eggs, and torch this whole nest. taser these eggs, and torch this whole nest.

No! We have to take her alive. No! We have to take her alive.

But we got all this stuff.

Why can't we just use it?

We do not negotiate with owls! We do not negotiate with owls!

Now, put these on. It'll allow you

to get close without scaring her. to get close without scaring her.

S-S-So, I'm a big-ass garden gnome? S-S-So, I'm a big-ass garden gnome?

Shh! That's right.

Now, get in there and approach the bird. Now, get in there and approach the bird.

Inch closer.

Ever so closer. Ever so closer.

Maintaining your smile.

You're building trust here. You're building trust here.

Uh, what now?

She's looking at me real hard. She's looking at me real hard.

Just relax.

Gaze into her eyes. Gaze into her eyes.

[ Tranquil tune plays ] Make the connection.

[ Page turns ] "The gnome approacheth owly crest, [ Page turns ] "The gnome approacheth owly crest,

where upon thy beak, gnome's lips be pressed. where upon thy beak, gnome's lips be pressed.

Gnome's hands caress thy owly chest Gnome's hands caress thy owly chest

and bring this brutal beast to rest."

Wait, you want me [ Music stops ] Wait, you want me [ Music stops ]

to kiss this owl

and feel it up,

without consent? without consent?

You heard the poem. The words have been spoken.

I don't think I'm comfortable with that. I don't think I'm comfortable with that.

♪♪ "The portly gnome replied, 'You jest.

I shall not wear this dumb gnome dress I shall not wear this dumb gnome dress

or press my lips to owl crest. or press my lips to owl crest.

You've sent me on a foolish quest.'"

Wait, so you knew

I wouldn't kiss the owl. [ Music stops ] I wouldn't kiss the owl. [ Music stops ]

Ain't no woman gonna tell me

what I wasn't about to do. what I wasn't about to do.

Mwah!

[ Laughs ] That ain't so bad. [ Laughs ] That ain't so bad.

-[ Screeching ] -Uh!

Okay, it didn't work.

Uh, I don't think you kissed her deep enough. Uh, I don't think you kissed her deep enough.

Try kissing her again.

Ain't you supposed to be a bird expert?

Yeah, University of Georgia, with the Herschel Walker? Yeah, University of Georgia, with the Herschel Walker?

I never said that!

I'm in the creative writing department. I'm in the creative writing department.

Well, what's that book, then?

Oh, this is my self-published

YA fantasy novel. YA fantasy novel.

Shit! Denny, shoot the owl!

[ Static crackles ] Sorry, big guy. [ Static crackles ] Sorry, big guy.

-[ Screech ] -Owww!

I bailed as soon as she

had you dress up like a gnome. had you dress up like a gnome.

[ Suspenseful music plays ] Y'all gonna die.

Aah!

Then who's that Denny?

He's made of C-4,

and his name is Officer Boom-Boom.

Let's get the hell outta here. Get, get, get, get. Let's get the hell outta here. Get, get, get, get.

Early, help, please!

♪♪ ♪♪

You're about to find out

for hoo-hoo the bell tolls,

[ Beeping ] you featherheaded bitch! [ Beeping ] you featherheaded bitch!

Oh!

[ Screeching ]

Uhh. It's "whom." Uhh. It's "whom."

"Whom," Early. Ohhh.

Whom the hell do you think you are...

-Wait -- aaaaah! -questioning my grammar? -Wait -- aaaaah! -questioning my grammar?

[ Beeping ] [ Beeping ]

[ Screeching ]

[ Beeping ]

♪♪ ♪♪

[ Explosion ]

[ Flames crackling ] [ Flames crackling ]

No!

♪♪ "Miss Evertree exclaimed. ♪♪ "Miss Evertree exclaimed.

The spineless gnome was all to blame." The spineless gnome was all to blame."

"Early Cuyler be the name

who blowed up that owl into red-hot flame." who blowed up that owl into red-hot flame."

Put that in your stupid book.

♪♪ ♪♪

Hey, y'all.

Anastasia sent us her new book,

"The Bewitching Owl: Sorcery of the Cephalopod." "The Bewitching Owl: Sorcery of the Cephalopod."

Look, Daddy, you're in a book! Look, Daddy, you're in a book!

I judge this book by its cover.

It's very good!

A real page-burner. A real page-burner.

Here, put this in the burn pile.

Damn straight. Damn straight.

My daddy wrote the book

on not reading books.

Uh, yeah, well. Uh, yeah, well.

She also made us these dreamcatchers.

Now, don't burn these.

She spent some time on them. She spent some time on them.

I already caught my dream

and killed it and, now,

I've got another feather in my cap. I've got another feather in my cap.

You tell the town they can resume apple-picking season, You tell the town they can resume apple-picking season,

courtesy of Curly Tuyler.

Yeah, I'm afraid the governor Yeah, I'm afraid the governor

opened apple-pickin' season a bit prematurely.

[ Screaming ] We will remain open! [ Screaming ] We will remain open!

The cure cannot be worse The cure cannot be worse

than the -- Don't pick me up!

[ Hooting ] Yeah!

We really should've torched them eggs.

I said tase the eggs. I said it on the day. I said tase the eggs. I said it on the day.

I mean, hell, what's the point of building a dome,

if you're gonna let owl eggs hatch inside of it? if you're gonna let owl eggs hatch inside of it?

Give this to Granny, will you?

You can come on down and give it to her yourself. You can come on down and give it to her yourself.

Well, where is she?

We drained the baby wipes

out of the septic hole.

We live down here now.

Oh, uh.

Is that, uh, where your outhouse was? Is that, uh, where your outhouse was?

Turned it into a man cave.

Come on down. Let me give you the tour. Come on down. Let me give you the tour.

Uh, no thank you.

[ Engine starts ] Y'all stay safe now.

[ Radio chatter ] [ Radio chatter ]

-They're coming. Back up, back up, back up! -I'm in control, Denny. -They're coming. Back up, back up, back up! -I'm in control, Denny.

-[ Hooting, screeching ] -I know what the hell I'm doing. -[ Hooting, screeching ] -I know what the hell I'm doing.

You think we could keep this thing outside?

I've been having trouble sleeping lately I've been having trouble sleeping lately

and I think maybe it's 'cause the eyes keep following me. and I think maybe it's 'cause the eyes keep following me.

Just chillax. It's not even alive. Just chillax. It's not even alive.

Rusty, take a picture of me with this owl.

Make it look like I'm in trouble. Make it look like I'm in trouble.

[ Camera shutter clicks ] Alright.

Now give me the Tae Bo stick.

Turn the camera sideways, Turn the camera sideways,

make it look like it's action.

[ Camera shutter clicks ] Now I'm gonna go

back-to-back with it, back-to-back with it,

like we in a buddy cop movie.

He's the pencil-pushing rule follower,

I'm the crazy cop with one foot out the door. I'm the crazy cop with one foot out the door.

[ Camera shutter clicks ] "I'm supposed to retire tomorrow!" [ Camera shutter clicks ] "I'm supposed to retire tomorrow!"

Now this one, I'mma jump up and punch it.

Make sure you catch me in the air. Make sure you catch me in the air.

1, 2,

[ Camera shutter clicks ] 3!

Come on, man! Come on, man!

You messed it up. You gotta time it right!

♪ Made in Georgia ♪ ♪ Made in Georgia ♪