Original subtitles

[ Static ]

♪♪

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to His kingdom ♪

♪ Me yo vallaro pendejos cuando me voy ♪

My turn!

Hell, no!

Do not touch the trim!

Rusty: Now, with the "Fortress of Solitude" package,

every room is covered with glass break detectors,

motion sensors, anti-prowler strobe lights,

and hell, I'll throw in a doorbell camera,

no extra charge.

That sound good to you?

Rusty, there probably ain't

a safer place in the whole county

than where you're standing right this minute.

Sure, I'm a sheriff,

but on the DL, I'm a ninja, too.

Hiya!

Just imagine if that was human flesh,

instead of that damn hard oak.

Well, then, would you maybe consider

the "Lip Service" package?

We rent you three window stickers

and a yard sign for $4.99 a month.

Now, it don't include no monitoring,

but I won't tell nobody if you won't.

Wink wink.

Sorry, son, but you're trying to sell ice

to an eskimo here.

Can we still say "eskimo" in this "Me Too" era?

Let's just go with "Native Ice Man."

Alright, now, I gotta get to work.

Hold on a minute, Sheriff.

What are you hauling in that safe?

That's none of your bees wax, Rusty.

But it's so valuable, you take it to work with you?

[ Grunting ]

Why not let Halen Security

turn your whole house into a safe?

[ Grunting ]

Then you ain't got to haul it around everywhere.

[Pop! Hiss!]

Alright, show me the paperwork.

8, 9, and 10!

Hey, now, Rusty!

It looks like you made a big sale.

The full Fortress of Solitude package!

He even went with the damn strobe lights.

Total window dressing.

[ Sniffing ] Ugh, what's that smell?

It's like a raccoon died in the crawl space.

Early: Well, well.

A little birdie done told me you done good this morning.

And that little birdie... is me.

Rusty, you said this security system

was gonna keep him out.

Marking your house with these signs...

you might as well tell the whole world --

"Here's where the money is!"

Though by the looks of what I see in here,

I ought to sue you for false advertising.

Get out. Alright, I'm leaving.

I see the Sheriff's got some of these fancy yard signs

at his place, too.

What do you mean by that?

Security is an illusion.

There's only 79 things in this world

that really make you safe.

[ Whistles ] And they're called "dogs."

Ya-Ya! Whoo!

I noticed you didn't bring your safe today.

Well, Denny, my whole house is a safe now,

thanks to Dan Halen Security.

Here, check it out.

20 cameras.

Every one with their eyes on the prize.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Well, if you got all these cameras,

why'd you chain it up?

Chain? That's not my chain!

Oh, my God! Hello?

Man: Yes, we have a break-in reported at--

I know, damn it! I just saw it!

My fortress of solitude!

Granny, look what I found at Sheriff's house!

How you gonna open it?

I got the combination right here.

Come tape this up.

I don't wanna be near the blast zone.

You'd never believe what people just leave

laying by the curb.

Garbage man ain't gonna pick up all this mess.

You oughta get a medal or something,

helping him take garbage right out of his house.

Perfectly legal, too.

Yeah, I believe you.

Just don't shoot until I'm clear, okay?

You got three seconds.

Can you give me three Mississippis?

Three Utahs! No, not Utahs!

Two Utah! No!

One Utah!

Boom!

You're lucky I ain't counting with Maine!

Woooo-weee!

Lookie, lookie, lookie, lookie!

We rich! We rich, baby!

We are richer than hell!

I think. What the hell is this?

Some kinda sex thing?

It's one of a kind!

Ain't another one like it anywhere in the world.

What kind of poop show are you running here?

Well, uh, maybe you shouldn't have put out that yard sign.

I mean, it does kind of tell the world,

"Here's where the money is!"

It wasn't money, you dip-poop!

You said impenetrable, and on day one,

my most valuable possession, gone.

Damn. It was definitely somebody

who knew the system.

The Sheriff's got one of these here

fancy yard signs at his house.

I hereby swear on this stack of bibles

I ain't gonna steal nothing from the Sheriff.

I'm going to the Sheriff's house

to steal me something.

Ha ha ha!

Daddy! Get out here!

I need to talk to you!

I ain't in there!

You hear all those angry damn dogs?

79 dogs?

I recently came in to something valuable

and I needed real security.

The kind that only 79 angry dogs can provide.

You broke in to the Sheriff's house, didn't you?

What? With these wild accusations.

I oughta sue your ass for slather!

You swear on a stack of bibles?

I damn sure would!

But my bible stack's inside with the dogs right now.

Granny, fetch me my stack of bibles!

Granny: It ain't a stack anymore.

Looks more like a pile.

No, no, noooo!

Nice doggy doggy. Help!

Where is the disarm button?

Granny!

Get back there, get back!

Sorry, Granny!

Look, I don't know what you took from the Sheriff,

but whatever it was, it messed him up big time.

And he needs a friend, even a shitty friend like you.

Hey, baby. Whatchu need?

I don't know how this works,

but I got nothing to live for,

so I might as well see a butt and some boobies

at least once before I die.

$10.

Here, I get 1% cash back on qualifying purchases.

Ellis!

♪♪

♪ Milk, milk, lemonade ♪

♪ Around the back, I get paid ♪

♪ Milk, milk, lemonade ♪

♪ Around the back, my money's made ♪

I can't find it, baby. Where is it?

In my abdomen.

It retracts when I'm upset.

One virgin Mississippi Mud Slide.

It's pretty much chocolate milk.

Gimme that! Whoa!

Just sip it now, you'll get brain freeze.

Do I look like I care?!

You're dealing with a man who's got nothing to lose!

[ Gunshot ] Oh, God, brain freeze!

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

I'm so sorry to hear that you were robbed.

But what can you do when a criminal mastermind

is on the loose?

They took the only thing of value

in this poop-turd of a life.

Uh, how much value exactly?

More than $500? Less than $5,000?

Can you give me a ballpark here?

My God! They're selling it?

Oh, oh, Who-Gives-A-Flip.

That's what I'm saying, too.

I mean, whoever's selling it ain't got no damn bids.

Ain't got no looks.

Hell, it ain't favorited by no damn body.

No.

Who-Gives-A-Flip was my character's name.

It was the summer of '96,

and Atlanta was hosting the Olympics.

I auditioned for the mascot "Whatizit,"

or Izzy for short.

But I'm afraid I didn't get it.

Let's just say white privilege doesn't always come through

when you're competing against other whites.

But they did have various regional knock-offs --

Whodatiz, Whatchamadiddle,

and ThingAMaJig.

I landed the role of Who-Gives-A-Flip

at the White Water competition in Ducktown.

♪ Don't you remember? Don't you know? ♪

♪ Don't you remember Cotton Eye Joe? ♪

I'd monkey shine with the kids,

cut a jig to "Cotton Eye Joe."

Even perform some hijinks with the medalists.

[ Laughter ]

For those three weeks,

the eyes of the world were on me.

And 25 years later,

they ain't looked back since.

Just hit that "Buy Now" button,

and you can be whole again.

From what little attention I paid

to your tedious tale of woe, 10 grand is a small price

to pay to make somebody very, very happy.

Is there an address on there?

Maybe I might go hunt that mother-fudger down

and kill him myself!

Whoa-whoa! Sheriff!

And I said keep the mudslides coming!

Yes, sir, right away!

It had GD better be teeming with marshmallows!

'Cause I'm anything but "mallow" right now!

[ Dogs snoring ]

[ Rusty grunting ]

Here we go.

Damn it, I can't get this thing.

Alright, come on.

Aw, who gives a flip?

The Sheriff does, Daddy.

And I don't know what the hell this is,

but I'mma give it back to him.

No, no, I'll do it.

You know, Rusty, sometimes being a good friend

is more important

than making money off a good friend.

Oh, so you went online

and found out it ain't worth a shit?

Not one wheat penny, goddammit!

Now step aside.

I invented this here 79-dog system,

and I'm the only one that can defeat it.

♪♪

[ Snoring continues ]

♪♪

[ Slurp! Slurp! ]

♪♪

Uhh!

Come on, come on.

[ Gasps ]

[ Growls ]

[ Shuddering ]

[ Snoring resumes ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunts ] Got it.

Prowler! Prowler!

Shut up, woman! Quiet!

No, no, no, no! No!

[ Dogs growling ]

Suck it! Ah, no! No!

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Help!

[ Yelling indistinctly ]

[ Coughing ]

Why the hell did you buy 79 dogs?

90 dogs, now.

You want a puppy?

It's okay.

Aw, thank you, Denny. It's okay.

[ Knock on door ]

Aah! Prowler!

Just stay here, Sheriff, I'll get it.

What the hell?

Oh, my God! It's back!

My baby!

Squid ink all over the porch.

What's that tell you?

What's that -- Awww.

Who Gives A Flip!

No, no, no, not the underwear, man.

♪ Don't you remember? Don't you know? ♪

♪ Don't you remember Cotton Eye Joe? ♪

♪ Cotton Eye Joe, Cotton Eye Joe ♪

♪ Why did you have to treat me so? ♪

♪ I'da been married a long time ago ♪

♪ If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe ♪

♪♪

♪ Pants full of syphilis and belly full of wine ♪

♪ Smells like a dog that'd been left outside ♪

♪ One leg crooked and the other leg gone ♪

♪ Why does my woman love to gobble his bone? ♪

♪ I'da been married a long time ago ♪

♪ If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe ♪

♪♪

[ Screaming ]

♪ Made in Georgia ♪