Original subtitles

[ Static ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to His kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

My turn.

Hell no. Hey, man, let me drive

that thing, come on! Do not touch the trim!

Ooh. Ahh. Ahh.

Good Lord!

Early, what happened, man?

I tweaked my back out.

I'm putting me in a neon kit.

Gonna light up like the 4th of July

every time I rev that engine.

Flip the switch now. Come on!

Alright.

Ahh! Wrong switch! Ahh!

That's my low-ride lift kit! Ahh!

How 'bout this one?

Ooh! Look at that!

I know. Ahh!

Looks badass! Ahh!

Headed to the pharmacy. Ahh.

W-With that gun?

We're gonna negotiate my copay.

You know, Early, I found a solution

for my traumatic back injury,

and it don't involve shredding my stomach lining

with fistfuls of aspirin all day.

When did you get a traumatic back injury?

It's a damn trailer hitch teabag for you!

Nope. Don't ring a bell.

My point is, I tried everything to ease the pain,

but I got no relief at all,

'til I discovered Kundalini yoga.

[ Bones cracking ]

Oh, you went to that mosque, huh?

Where they turn you into a gay?

No, it ain't a mosque, Early.

Just come down and meet my guru, Yogi Daniel.

He'll fix you right up.

Hell, no!

Ain't gonna brainwash me into joining ISIS.

I'm the foremost expert on that damn Muslim stuff

at any bar around here!

Well, can a Muslim do this?

[ Bones cracking ]

[ Inhales ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Inhales, squeaks ]

I'm trying to quit.

Daniel: Take a deep breath for me,

and exhale.

[ Bell chimes ] Wonderful.

Here, get one of them loaner mats over there.

And kneel to Mecca? I won't do it!

-Damn it. -[ Laughs ]

Well, well.

Funny seeing you here

in a mosque, pastor.

Well, it was good while it lasted.

Christian on Sunday, Muslim on Monday.

Aah!

Sweet mother of whorehound!

I rolled my eyes in sarcasm too hard!

Are you okay, friend?

Just a little pinch in my back, imam.

No need to turn me gay.

-Here. Breathe deep. -Don't touch me! Hey!

Hang on, now! Whoa! Whoa! -Shift your hips.

-No, no, no, no, no! -And...

There we go.

The pain. It's gone.

Now, I want you to select a mantra,

a simple phrase, to ground you,

bring you back to your breath.

My mantra's gonna be,

"Go, Dogs, you silver britches.

You hairy, junkyard Dogs.

Sic 'em! Woof, woof!

We gonna step on their face with a hobnail boot

and break their noses.

Lindsay Scott! Lindsay Scott!

Run, Lindsay, run!

Lindsay Scott."

Okay. That's a little long.

-Well, my temper's short! -Oh, okay.

Keep repeating that to yourself

while you hold the stretch, okay?

Go, Dogs, you silver britches.

You hairy, junkyard Dogs.

Sic 'em. Woof, woof.

[ Echoing ] We gonna step on they face

with a hobnail boot

and break their noses.

Lindsay Scott. Lindsay Scott.

Run, Lindsay, run.

Lindsay Scott.

♪♪

What -- [ Echoing ] Go, Dogs,

you silver britches.

You hairy, junkyard Dogs.

Sic 'em. Woof, woof.

We gonna step on they face with a hobnail boot

and break their noses.

Lindsay Scott. Lindsay Scott.

Run, Lindsay, run, run.

Lindsay Scott.

I'm gay! Oh, no!

I'm gay!

Somebody help me! [ Bell chimes ]

I'm gay! Help me!

Ohh, I'm gay!

-Early, come back. -I'm gay!

It's okay. You're okay.

No, I ain't!

If we're all one in the universe,

that means I'm one with another man.

I'm a gay, Yogi.

You're not gay, Early.

I think you're just not angry anymore,

not in pain, and you're confused

about what not having those feelings means.

I must be confused, 'cause my back feels so good,

I'm ready to give my whole life to ISIS.

It's a yoga studio, Early, not ISIS. Yoga.

Oh, I get it.

Sleeper cell. Shhh!

It's a yoga studio.

Got a big sign right above the building.

Yoga studio.

Go, Dogs, you silver britches.

You hairy, junkyard Dogs.

Sic 'em. Woof, woof.

We gonna step on they face

with a hobnail boot

and break their noses.

Whoa! So we're doing

that again, now, huh?

I told you, it ain't gonna work

unless you surgically remove one of your ribs.

I'm done trying that.

This here is ISIS. Stretching, breathing,

repeating phrases. It's for health,

and I ain't never felt better. [ Groans ]

Yeah, I know all about what this is.

Good luck to you, buddy.

Wait. Hell, I know what you're thinking.

It's a mosque. But I'm telling you,

if this here is what sharia law is like, sign me up.

Sharie's Law? What happened?

Another child get snatched?

Ain't you tired of that walker? Look here.

I'll show you how to get rid of it.

Pawn shop said they'd give me five dolla for it.

Aah! -Get over here, damn it!

Now, pick you some soothing

words to repeat!

Get the fuck away from me!

Alright, that'll work. Now, you just repeat it.

Get the fuck away from me!

You got to stretch while you're doing it, though!

Get the fuck away from me!

That's it. Just control your breathing, now!

Get the fuck away from meeee!

Oh! -I can tell you're

loosening up, Granny.

Now, just go with the flow!

Hmm. You know, I am feeling better.

Oh!

♪♪ [ Inhales ]

And breathe.

[ Wheezing ]

Here.

Arch your butt

back!

My front butt --

oh! -- or my back butt?

Both butts.

All of them. Come on!

There you go. Here.

Link your vinyasa to your pranayama.

Chaturanga!

You speaking Arabic at me?

I believe it is.

There you go.

Just look at the bliss spread

across your face.

But we ain't allowed to see that.

Does this mean I'm in al-Qaeda?

Yes, it does. Now, let's get you

into town and sign you up for some

Muslim extremist ISIS yoga classes.

Wait, I want to take my scooter.

No, no.

Ain't no females allowed to drive.

Come on. Let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up, now.

You're supposed to stay five paces behind me!

No, Papa!

That's a good mantra.

Say it again. -It hurts!

-Alright. -Daddy, don't bend up my son

like that! -It's just yoga, Rusty. See?

Don't be prejudiced, just because ISIS invented it.

He's really doing yoga.

I thought you were pulling my leg.

I will pull your leg,

into the Lord of the Fishes pose.

-Oh. Oh! -Hey.

Get your hands off my girlfriend!

Ex-girlfriend.

But, yes, my hamstring feels pretty good.

You need a mantra.

You know what a mantra is?

Oh, like one of them real big trucks?

Like at the mantra truck rally.

[ Laughs ] You silly boy.

Namaste.

It's Mama's Day? Ooh!

Happy Mama's Day, Tammi.

Now, you got to loosen up your hip flexors, you know?

I don't want you pulling a glute when your ass clapping.

Hey, Blondie.

You bring me an ice-cold kabuchi, you hear?

Early, get them veils off my dancers.

Some of these freaks like the faces.

No judgement here, but your dancers could stand to be

a little bit more flexible.

Look at Cherries Jubilee.

She's moving like a damn scarecrow.

Ugh! I begged her to take a break

after the tractor rolled on her,

but she got them bills.

And you see all this loose change on the stage?

It's 'cause none of them can bend down

far enough to pick it up.

Early, most of them's pennies and nickles

that J-Mad winged from the back.

[ Laughing ]

I'd kick him out, but,

he is my daddy.

-Early? -Yogi Daniel!

I was just talking about you!

Namaste, my dude!

Early, we need to talk.

Yoga changes lives, brother! [ Laughs ]

I can't believe I was gonna

blow up your mosque. -[ Nervous laugh ]

Again, Early, it's not a mosque.

It's a yoga studio.

You know, you could make that your mantra.

"It's not a mosque. It's a yoga studio."

Nah. I like my mantra plenty.

Fires me up and keeps me calm at the same time.

Kind of like what speedballing used to do for me.

Listen to me, Early.

You're running people away from my business.

You have to stop,

and you have to stop right now.

I hear you, Yogi Daniel.

People have to find yoga on their own.

You can't blow it up their asses with a shotgun,

even though I know you would love for me to do that.

But, hey, ISIS ain't for everybody.

Gosh dang it, Early!

It's not ISIS!

[ Gasp ]

What the...

Go, Dogs, you silver britches. -All beings have value...

You hairy, junkyard Dogs. Sic 'em. Woof, woof.

We gonna step on their face with a hobnail boot

and break their noses.

All beings have value. All beings have value.

ISIS ain't for everybody!

Dang it, Early! It's not ISIS!

-ISIS ain't for everybody! -Early, it's not ISIS!

-ISIS ain't for everybody! -It's not ISIS!

-ISIS ain't for everybody! -It's not ISIS!

ISIS ain't for everybody!

[ Sobbing ]

What's happened to me?

How can I be trusted to spread a message

of serenity and flexibility,

when I can no longer control my own emotions?

That's why I'm done following you.

It's time for me to fly on,

start my own, unique brand of yoga,

proprietary!

Namaste, Early.

And I ain't using that word, neither.

I'm gonna use my own words, like "hibbety-jibbety"

and "whippety-dippety-do."

Don't use them!

Them words are mine now!

[ Groaning ] [Cats yowl ]

Oh, no.

Oh!

[ Vehicle alarm blaring ]

♪♪

And this here's the himminy-jimminy.

Now, you need to spin around and keep spinning around.

Now, say "himminy-jimminy"

and wiggle your hands in the air.

Himminy-jimminy.

Himminy-jimminy.

Himminy-jimminy. -Uh, no.

This ain't no form of yoga I've ever seen.

I'm keeping your deposit!

Fine by me.

Himminy-jimminy.

-[ Sigh ] -Himminy-jimminy.

Come over here. I got me a fresh,

new move to teach you.

Is this actual yoga?

Go on, now.

Whip-dippity-do.

Well, why aren't you doing it?

I done got enlightening already.

Well, I feel like you should do it too, though.

If I told myself to jump off a bridge,

do you think I ought to do it?

Well, I'm not jumping off the damn bridge.

Simon says.

[ Sigh ]

Okay. Whip-dippety-dooooooo!

Ooh!

You said it wrong!

♪♪

And that's how I lost my yoga business.

Don't never tell all your students to jump off a bridge.

Here, darling.

Whoopsie!

See, now, with a little yoga,

you'd be down on that quicker than stink on shit.

Dig this here. Unh!

Hell, no, woman!

You had your damn chance.

Unh! Unh! Unh!

Himminy-jimminy. Whip-dippity-do!

-♪ Body rock ♪ -[ Electronic ] ♪ Body rock ♪

-♪ You better make that ♪ -♪ Body rock ♪

-♪ Who's gonna make that ♪ -♪ Body rock ♪

♪ Drop it down, lick it like a lollipop ♪

♪ Body rock ♪ -♪ Body rock ♪

♪ Make your money, girl, shake that WAP ♪

♪ Make me want to take it like a dirty sock ♪

♪ Going downtown to the pastry shop ♪

♪ Body rock, body rock ♪

♪ Who's gonna make that body rock? ♪

♪ You gonna make that body rock ♪

♪ Don't stop rocking 'till the party stop ♪

♪♪