Original subtitles

[ Static ]

♪♪

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to his Kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

♪ I'll take all you son of a bitches when I go ♪

My turn.

Hell no. Hey, man, let me drive

that thing, come on! Do not touch the trim!

Now, let's all bow our heads

for a moment of silence.

Hang on. I-I got a late start. Please don't tell my boss.

Where's the damn hearse keys?

Some shit-for-brains backed it up to the wall over there.

That's right, I'm talking to you, gravedigger.

I thought it'd be easier to get it out later if I backed it in.

Is that right?

Well, how we gonna get the coffin out?

Through the sunroof?!

Now, you best have that hole dug by the time

preacher man says "amen,"

or I'm gonna snatch a knot in your skull.

Yes, sir.

Uh-oh, I think I nicked a rock or something.

Rocks don't make a hissing sound, stupid!

You busted the gas line to the crematorium!

Now I gotta relight the pilot.

Pain in my ass!

Amen, already. Let's wrap it up.

He's as dead as he's gonna get!

Ugh! It's fuckin' hot out here!

Ugh. Rusty: Excuse me, sir.

Remember when you said that after I was here a few months,

I could shadow you while you prep a body?

I just wanna pick your brain.

Well, I'm pickin' this fella's brain through his nasal cavity.

Ugh. Now, they say it's unnecessary,

but 8 pounds is 8 pounds, and at my age,

I'll do anything to save my back.

Now, Rusty, get your worthless ass in there

and relight the pilot.

It - It still smells like gas in here.

Gimme that, goddamn --

Always fuckin' gotta have it your way, goddamn it.

You don't mind if I just crack the window a little bit, do you?

Yeah, go ahead.

Typical millennial, always looking for the nearest exit

when there's work to be done.

Oh!

Aw, damn it, I was almost outta here.

O-Okay, when do y'all wanna schedule a viewing?

Hell, I don't know, Pastor, I'm just the gravedigger.

It looks like you've been promoted, Rusty.

Ha-ha, look what the cat dragged in.

Where you been lollygaggin'?

Some of us have to work, Daddy.

Well, they say "Do what you love,

and you never work a day in your life."

But I say "Don't show up for work,

and you never work a day in your life."

And not working has worked out damn good for me.

I got promoted from gravedigger

so I'mma need somebody to fill my old position.

You think you can help?

Mm, sounds like work to me.

And you know what I say about work.

It's 10% inspiration, 90% tax evasion,

and 10% ragin' Cajun.

Whoo! I give 110%.

Granny, how about you?

I'll pay you 20 bucks a hole.

Yeah, any dumbass can dig a hole!

Hang on, you can't hire a scab!

Get off me! She ain't with the union!

This is a right-to-work state!

Hey guys, it's the DIY Funeral Guy

with my top 10 embalming hacks.

With a couple of common tools and some twist ties,

you can do most of the corpse prep right at home.

Come on, I ain't got all day. Do something.

Get on with it, boy!

Okay, now we want to make an incision

right under the belly button here.

You can see where I shave...

Aw! Ow! God damn it!

And, uh, you can see why draining the body

in the last step was so important.

Otherwise, you'd be covered in blood right now.

That's $20, that's $20, that's $20.

I'm gonna be rich!

What in the hell?!

And that school counselor says to me,

"You're gonna end up diggin' ditches for a livin'."

My daddy said, "Don't you go gettin' his hopes up.

He ain't got the brains to go pro."

Well, Early, look what I found!

Damn it, woman, I told you not to dig near

those square rocks with the scribblings on them!

What in the hell, Daddy?!

I said one hole -- one!

You think you're making a goddamn golf course?!

What are these, fuckin' foxholes?!

I'm trying to run a business, not dig a fuckin' hole to China.

Well, you said $20 a hole, so I figured --

You figured you'd just dig a half a million holes

and charge $20 million?

Uh, sounds good to me.

So, can I invoice that now?

We can fill holes, too, if you don't like 'em.

For a fair price, of course.

Bitch, I'll fill this hole with your body

if you queer my negotiations!

$20, that's it.

Fill the rest back up. You heard him.

This is your damn deal. Awww.

So, uh, who's done run off to meet his maker?

My asshole boss.

His funeral's gonna be in 45 minutes,

and I got no idea what the hell I'm doing!

Hand me that formaldehyde.

[ Burps ] Ah.

Formaldehyde-hidee-hoo!

Alright, now, where's the body?

What in the hell? Right in front of you, Daddy.

Ooh, triplets.

What happened here?

Okay, you don't know what the hell you're doing.

I know exactly what I'm doing, okay?

People are just like animals.

Flesh, bones, teeth, tail, covered in hair,

multiple stomachs, spend most of their lives in the forest,

and only live about seven years.

Daddy, don't cut his foot off!

Oh, we got us a armchair undertaker?

Don't you remember that 10-point buck-cycle

I built for you?

I'm doin' it, Daddy, I'm doin' it!

Early: That's right, boy, hang on to those antler-bars.

Keep your feet on the clavicles, now!

And don't you remember that fancy gown I made for Granny?

Oh, it's beautiful!

Ahh! Ohh!

Cider vinegar, to "depungify" the stink.

Now you're ready for church.

I'm a sumbitchin' roadkill Rembrandt!

You just go on and show them folks where to sit.

I'll provide the show.

Now, let's get to work!

Whoo! We got 300 graves to fill!

Rusty: This here is my first eulogy.

I usually just dig the holes,

but I can tell by this crowd how much

Bubba was loved in this community.

Is that a joke, gravedigger?

How 'bout you stop vamping, 'cause it's not about you!

Come on, Daddy, chop-chop!

They're gettin' restless out here!

[ Singing "Circle of Life" in Zulu ]

♪♪

Mele "Kamikilaka"!

That's Hawaiian for "Welcome to the great beyond!"

♪♪

Rusty: Oh, no. Whoo!

No, Daddy! Come on, y'all!

Everybody gets lei'd! [laid]

I can't believe it! I'm so sorry, everybody.

I-I'll make this right, I promise.

Bubba always wanted to be the life of the party.

Yeah, I went full Parrot Head on Bubba.

And wait till you see this!

I hollowed out his pelvis and jammed a paint mixer up his ass.

What have you done? I love it.

It's so fun.

Now let's all head over to the gravesite

for a pig-pickin' luau.

Whoo!

Rest in pork, my friend.

May you rest in pork.

I am surprised to say this, but, hell,

I think we got us a business model here.

Suicide was always a tragedy.

But I was able to repurpose the noose

and flip the script on this.

He's filled with candy hearts that say the things in death

that he could never express in life.

No, no, no, don't eat that!

Muy malo!

Granny: Sign up for your Cuyler original!

Sorry for your loss. No pushin'!

Single file, please!

The one thing my husband truly loved was Auburn Football.

Oh, Auburn, huh?

We were hopin' maybe you could pay tribute to that.

So, you're pretty much fixed on Auburn, huh?

No, no. No, sir! Hell, no!

Point me to the loved ones.

No, no, just stop it Daddy. I'll talk to 'em.

Hey, folks, listen, I'm sorry,

but I don't think we can accommodate your kind here.

What? Wait.

What "kind" is that, Early?

I think we all know what I'm talkin' about, Glenn.

You know, she came all the way from Alabama on my referral.

I'm sorry, but he can't be buried at a Georgia graveyard.

The red Georgia clay will reject him.

It's red for a damn reason!

Georgia Bulldogs, baby! Sic 'em!

Woof, woof, woof, woof! Woof, woof!

But -- But I am sure my colleague can make an exception.

Ain't that right, Daddy?

If it was an inferior ACC team -- say, Georgia Tech

or Wake Forest -- I'd do that out of sympathy.

But Auburn? I refuse!

Daddy, this is your job,

so unless you want me to fire your ass,

I suggest you do what I say.

Well, I suggest they take his Auburn-lovin' ass

down the street to another establishment --

one where they don't care who they mingle with!

Get out! Security!

Alright, Early, alright! Fine!

I would say, "Sorry for your loss,"

but you're so damn used to losing to Georgia,

I'd be apologizin' you nonstop!

Come on.

I apologize, folks. I can prepare the body.

It's Auburn Tigers, right?

That's right. War damn eagle.

Wait -- Wait a minute, so, there's an eagle, too?

[ Telephone rings ]

Jiggle Hut. If you're callin' about a prostitute,

we don't do that anymore.

[ Chuckles ] Wink, wink.

Hey, Ellis. Uh, listen here, you still trafficking them,

uh, exotic animals and whatnot?

Officially, the petting zoo is closed due to lack of permit,

but we could still do "private events"

if the money is right.

Yeah, man, I got money. Let's talk turkey.

Oh, good, cause that's really all I have left,

mostly, is turkeys. [ Turkeys gobbling ]

Now, you ain't goin' over the state line, are ya?

Ma'am, I think we put together

a very moving tribute to your husband.

Yeah, it's movin' a lot, so, uh, let's pick up the pace.

He's smellin' the meat. Is --

Are those live animals in there?

Yeah, but they're sedated.

Right, Ellis? Oh, yeah.

Heavily sedated.

Yeah, I ain't doing this.

Here, I highlighted the relevant passages.

You can just wing it. Nobody listens anyway.

Down! Down!

Uh, [Clears throat] will everyone please be seated?

We're gathered here today in the presence of God

to honor the life of -- [ Airhorn blows ]

How dare you invoke the name of God,

preparing a Auburn body for burial!

God hates Auburn!

Oh, Daddy, no!

Oh, hell, he's gone full Westboro.

Behold, the mark of the beast -- the "AU" on the helmet!

Folks, y'all don't listen to this! [ Airhorn blows ]

Apple CEO Tim Apple went to Auburn,

and now we all have government tracking chips in our heads.

Daddy, keep it down, now.

You're rilin' up the tiger! Wait, hold up.

You got a living tiger?

Yeah, I couldn't scrape up an eagle in time,

but I think the wild turkey works.

Oh, God.

Thou shall not worship two mascots!

Oh, Lindsey!

Uh, I gotta jet.

Stay calm, everybody, stay calm!

They -- They can smell fear.

[ Growls ]

Please, Early, help!

Hell, no! Oh!

Get down, tiger! it's got my leg, Early!

Ha, ha, ha! Ya damn Auburn-lover!

Damn it, and I liked this job.

That's what you get when you take on the dawgs!

Sic 'em! Woof, woof, woof, woof! Woof, woof, woof, woof!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

This one's made in Georgia.