Original subtitles

[ Static ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to his Kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

Let her roll! My turn.

Hell no. Hey, man, let me drive

that thing, come on! [ Mumbling indistinctly ]

Early: [ Muffled grumbling ]

Censorship!

BallMart is silencing my daddy's

freedom of speech, daddy says!

[ Muffled grumbling ]

Do not shop at BallMart ever!

Or until they let daddy back in there,

whichever comes first, daddy says!

Alright, y'all know you ain't supposed to be out here.

[ Muffled grumbling ] Daddy says he knows his rights,

you jerk-fruited bug! [ Muffled grumbling ]

Sorry. Jackbooted thug.

You do have rights, Early.

You got the right to remain silent,

and anything you grunt and Rusty translates

can and will be used against you.

Then I'll speak for myself!

Whoa, your voice sounds different, Early.

I'm exercising my freedom of speech!

I'm free to speech however I choose,

from now until the end of the show!

That's right, haters! Get used to it!

You want to tell everybody what you said in BallMart

that got you kicked out?

They were perfect conversations!

This is America!

He can talk as much shit as he wants to whomever he wants!

Well, let's just say that not all speech

is protected by the constitution.

Give me more free shrimp,

or I'll show everyone this picture of your junk!

Nice try.

My junk's got way more warts than this.

Well, I'll just say it's yours, and people will believe me.

Everybody's seen my junk already.

Don't you remember the Christmas pageant?

Damnit! If you don't give me more shrimp,

I'll blow this place sky high!

[ Screaming ]

Oh, that's just a pack of franks taped to a clock.

That's it! You're banned from Ballmart, Early!

For life! Oh, come on, Bobby!

Let me go! Help! Bart Simpson! Help!

Don't have a cow, man!

Huh, that's weird.

You had that new voice in the past, too?

I was just workshopping it.

Squids don't talk in real life. You know that, right?

You need to move on.

Everything, uh, cool here?

Yes, Glenn, I've got it under control.

Yeah, I'm The Banisher now.

People see this, they know what's up.

What's up is this is a private business, Glenn.

No guns. I'm gonna need you to leave.

[ Chuckles ] Where have I heard that before?

Oh, yeah, my wife.

Alright, the Tuff Lads will stand back,

but we will also stand by.

Hey, Chief, could you hold this

while I pick up some hydrangeas real quick?

Ellis! A Tuff Lad never surrenders his firearm!

Fine, I'll make two trips I guess.

All right come on, y'all. Let's go.

See you, Early. Hate to be ya! [ Laughs ]

You too, Granny. What?

Rusty. Wait, but I just

go in there to loiter.

It's air conditioned in there!

Well, I guess you'll have to find some

mom and pop store.

But BallMart drove the mom and pops out of business!

So where am I gonna get diet pineapple soda?

And my morning-after pills?!

Welcome to Dan's Lucky Buck!

Where the speech is free, and everything else is a dollar!

Free peach? You giving away peaches?

Fresh produce? No. But try this.

Irregular hot dog bun-halves. They're half off!

Do y'all sell meat to put inside the bun-halves?

We sell Halloween candy!

Milk Bubs. Cranch bars. Humbums.

All your almost-favorites.

One-sided printer paper?

Look, it disappears when you flip it over!

Is this BVB player really a dollar?

Yes, and it comes with this straight-to-BVB

Dilf Pilgrim action thriller.

Because it won't come out of the machine.

Dilf Pilgrim is Croatia's Dolph Lundgren.

This store has everything but quality.

And I can say whatever I want to whomever I want to.

Right, you stupid shithead?

My abusive threats and borderline racist

musings are finally protected.

Just all four fathers intended.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead, prattle away.

We're just happy to prey on you, one dollar at a time.

Look, I jacked a whole ream of one-sided printer paper.

I just flipped it over and...

Oh, no.

Hell, I don't want to loiter in there.

At least BallMart had air conditioning.

And morning-after pills!

These lemon humbums ain't gonna kill nothing.

BallMart ain't gonna let us back in, Granny.

We're banned for life, remember?

Oh, they ain't gonna know we're here.

Whoa!

Good afternoon, sir.

I'm new in town, a trench-coated

gentleman -- singular --

just looking to purchase some diet pineapple soda

to wash down my morning-after pills.

[ Snores ]

Rusty: He's asleep, let's go.

Wake up! Want to see my ding-a-ling?

No, don't! Whoa!

Helicopter! Whooo-whooo!

You are banned!

Goddamnit, I knew I shoulda been the head.

Sorry, Rusty, I got my wacky trench coat gags confused.

You get older, and all the classics

just start blending together.

Early: Attention, Lucky Buck shoppers,

George Soros is a kimono dragon!

I've seen the pictures!

That's why the deep state has injected us with microchips

so that Bill Gates can... Bill Gates can track us

on Windows 95.

Yes, yes, you've mentioned that.

And what is 95 backwards?

It's 69! [ Chuckles ]

Which is when the woman flips around and mutually pleasures --

Okay, okay. Please, please.

I know I said you could vent your moronic

opinions here, but do you plan to buy anything?

I need to try before I buy.

Where's your free scrump girl?

Oh, you mean shrimp? This is a dollar store.

What, do you think you're at BallMart?

Diet pineapple soda, and...

I'm not buying this much birth control.

I'll look like a whore.

Well, I guess the book will match its cover.

Now get as much of those pills as you can carry.

Please, Tammi?

Gah! What's with all this

diet pineapple there, Tammi?

You doing a fancy wedding?

Well, you know how much I love your diet pineapple soda.

And who doesn't? Oh, I know who.

Every single other person in this town except the squids.

Here, have a swig. On the house.

Since you love it so much.

Oh, okay, yeah. [ Chuckles ]

Mm-hmm. Mmm!

Swallow it.

[ Coughs ] I knew it!

You're secret shoppin' for them squids!

Well, guess what! You're banned, too!

[ Camera shutter clicks ] Sheriff get over here!

Come on, Denny! Hold on! Uh-oh.

Bobby: Stop farting around on that elliptical!

Hide that, Denny. We're heading over, Bobby.

We're on it, Bobby.

From now on, Tammi, you are Persona Au Gratin!

I'm a person with cheese?

You don't even know what that means, do you, Bobby?

Hey, don't get all high Fallujah with me.

We went to the same public school!

Sorry, Tammi.

Well, goes to show ya, never send a whore

to do a horse's job.

[ Typing ]

Neeeeiiiiigh!

Morrrning-Aaaaafter pills, pleeeease!

You ain't supposed to be here, Ruby Jean. You know this.

Nooooo, I'm a taaaalking hoooorsy!

And I got coooouuupons!

Don't patronize me.

I know a dollar store horse costume when I see one.

No, no. Family size jar please!

Sure is a lot of morning after pills.

I didn't know you had that many mornings left in you.

You ain't supposed to be here!

Granny! Granny! Our cover's blown!

Get the pills! We got to go!

Come on, get going! Aaah!

Stop that horse!

Ya! Ya!

I told y'all, no Cuylers in BallMart!

Lifetime ban!

Stop that horse!

He burgled my scrumps!

A second, separate horse?

It's a stampede!

Every man for himself!

Early: Neigh! Neigh!

What sounds do horses make?

Uh, these samples are good.

I might come back and buy some. I don't know.

I'll take it from here, Bobby.

Well, look who showed up.

Hey, you want me to cuff him

while you finish off my fiesta mix?

It's from the free samples.

Sealed tubs are not free samples.

You think I don't know my own store?

Alright, let's go, Cuyler.

No, no, wait!

I'm sorry, Bobby. I've learned my lesson.

Free speech is meaningless without free shrimp.

But you stripped me of my freedom of shrimp,

the most important freedom of all.

And that's why I'm gonna blow this place sky high

with my hot dog clock!

No, Early. Put them hot dogs down.

Now the Constitution does not allow you to spew threats

or hate speech or vulgarity in a private business.

And there ain't no freedom of shrimp neither.

Denny's right.

But let's hope there's a free shrimp amendment in the works.

[ Chuckles ] Right Bobby?

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, you think everything's free

'cause you got a badge.

Whoa, why am I catching shrapnel?

And while we're at it, there's also no freedom

to take Tom Clancy novels off the shelf

and read them in the bathroom one dump at a time.

That's a lie! I-I would never do that.

Well, these fiesta mix fingerprints

tell a different story, don't they?

Lifetime ban!

I hear someone getting banned over here?

You need some help from the Banisher?

Who invited the midlife-crisis militia?

You talking smack about the Tuff Lads?

You wanna throw hands? Stay out of this, Banisher.

Ellis, give me my low-T shot.

Yeah. I don't know, man.

I have my pants down, and now I look stupid, Ellis.

Sorry, bro, I got to bolt.

Ellis, you took the oath!

I hit you with the cereal!

So you're the one who opened this Frooty Puffz.

Lifetime Ban!

Uh, you don't ban The Banisher.

The Banisher is the one who bans.

You know this has happened before?

1942, a little country called Germany.

No, it's nothing like the holocaust, Glenn.

Come on.

Yeah, I guess was radicalized online after my divorce.

But you have no idea what white guys go through in this country.

[ Sighs ] It just feels good to be heard, you know?

I do hear you, Glenn.

'Cause at Dan's Lucky Buck, we have freedom of speech.

And don't forget, we recently added the inalienable

right to free shrimp...

...ish!

We be pimpin' Shrimpish, y'all!

Mmm! Tastes just like chicken!

Yeah, that's 'cause it's chicken nuggets

cut out with a shrimp stencil.

Don't -- don't eat them all!

One per customer! One!

Uh, do you guys sell assault rifles?

For a dollar? [ Chuckles ]

How about a laser pointer?

Red dot! Get the red dot!

-Get the dot! -Look at the dot!

Look! It's in the parking lot now!

It's getting away!

It's hiding in the sewer drains!

Down, down you go!

It's the only way to get them out of the store.