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(***)

(WATER RIPPLING)

(***)

(BELL CLANGS)

(SHIP HONKS HORN)

(GAS WHOOSHES)

(HAMMERING)

(WRENCHING)

Light, please.

Thank you.

- (GRUNTS) - (HAMMERING)

NEIL: Come on, you stupid--

- (GAS WHOOSHES) - What was that?

- (HAMMERING) - (GRUNTS)

Looks like something's moving in the shadows.

(NEIL CHUCKLES)

Welcome to the Staten Island Ferry.

These old boats are full of all kinds of surprises.

The key is to just go with the weirdness.

(SIGHS)

I thought my first day would be like on the water.

You know, sun in my face, wind in my hair.

Not in the dungeon of this old dump.

(METAL CLANGS)

The fuck was that?

(HAMMERING CONTINUES)

Is this boat even seaworthy?

NEIL: Ferry Mortimer, yeah.

She was actually headed to the scrapyard,

but got a stay of execution, because it's marathon week.

Now, give me that crowbar.

Time to liberate my golden parachute.

(NEIL GRUNTS)

Come on.

Go on! This hole's from the 1920s.

Back when the Staten Island Ferry ran on steam.

This piece of history right here,

got to be worth 50 grand, easy.

- (LAUGHS) - (CROWBAR CLANGS)

(NEIL GRUNTS)

Florida, here I come!

(WHOOSHING)

(LAUGHING, COUGHING)

- (LAUGHTER) - (FOOTSTEPS)

(COUGHING)

I think you just released a plague.

(NEIL GRUNTS)

- (NEIL LAUGHS) - (COUGHS)

Look at this fucking beauty.

(FOOTSTEPS)

DOMINIQUE: Okay, that was definitely something.

NEIL: It was probably just a rat, kid.

DOMINIQUE: Awesome. Well, I'm thinking about

quitting on the first day.

NEIL: Ah, take my advice, kid.

This city will give you shit, kick you right in the dick.

So pay your dues, and take whatever you can,

and get the hell out before you lose your fucking mind.

It's the New York way.

(CHUCKLES, GRUNTS)

(METAL CLANGS)

- (FOOTSTEPS) - (LAUGHTER)

- (THUMP) - (HISSING)

Dom! Dom, what happened?

DOMINIQUE: Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God, is it bad?

Oh, something hit me.

It's bad. Neil, it's bad.

NEIL: It's not good. I got you, come on.

(WHISTLING IN DISTANCE)

We're not alone.

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

(***)

(CROWBAR CLANGS)

Come here and see

what six years of varsity baseball gets ya!

Go, Farrell Lions!

(WHISTLING IN DISTANCE)

(NEIL GROWLS)

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(***)

Fuck, no.

(***)

(GRUNTS AND SCREAMS)

(THUDS)

(PANTING)

(***)

No.

Please.

No!

(***)

(SHIP HONKS HORN)

(***)

(***)

SELENA: No, wait!

Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. No. The boat's not leaving yet.

You got time. What? What's the matter, what?

You being chased by a maniac or something?

No.

Birthday party.

You being chased by a birthday party?

I was serving them in the bar all night

and then they found out I was going to Staten Island, too.

Oh, shit.

Probably would have been safer with a maniac, huh?

Please, don't tell them that you saw me.

Uh, yeah, well, you need me to cover for you?

Yes, please, please, please.

Yeah, yeah, I got you, I got you.

CINDI: Come on, ladies, next round's on our new bestie!

Let's keep this party going!

Only in New York, am I right?

Not really the only in New York story

I imagined when I moved here,

but it's the only kind I attract.

Okay, well, listen,

I'm going to point to the upper deck,

so they think that's where I'm sending you,

but you're really going to want to go down

to the lower-level stern, all right?

- The lower-level stern? Got it. - Yeah, trust me.

Go, go, go, I got you, I got you.

Enjoy the ferry. I'll be on the top deck.

♪ Once upon a time ♪

♪ I was a princess in this fairy tale ♪

♪ Gumdrop streets ♪

(YAWNS)

♪ Where the sun would always shine ♪

Hey, listen up, peasants, it's my fucking birthday,

and I decree this the best night ever!

(CHEERING)

(LAUGHS)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey,

hold on, hold on, ladies, ladies, tickets, please.

No, it's my birthday.

She's not paying for anything.

Isn't the ferry free?

- Yeah. - Correct. You get a prize.

Wait, that woman, where was she headed?

It's same thing I tell everyone,

best view's on the top deck.

Out of my way.

I want to be where the people are.

- Hmm. - (CHUCKLES)

There's still a dead zone in the middle of this ride?

Uh, no, the ferry's got free Wi-Fi, actually.

Public Wi-Fi?

Ew.

- (GAGS) - Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

I think I'm gonna be seasick.

All right, well, technically, you're still on land,

so I don't know why you--

Ooh, do you think they have boat karaoke?

I don't think so.

(SHUSHING)

All right, bye.

We got a Category 5 birthday party

heading up to the barge.

(STATIC)

Figures.

Hey, hold on.

(***)

MAN 1: (ON SPEAKER) Welcome aboard the Staten Island Ferry.

Please take a moment and pay attention

to the following safety announcements.

During docking, stay off the stairs, ramps

and landings until the ferry has come to a complete stop

at the terminal.

Failure to do so could result in serious injury.

In case of an emergency,

listen for announcements and instructions from the crew.

Please familiarize yourself

with the location of lifejackets.

MIKE: (ON RADIO) Ferryboat Mortimer, do you copy?

Bill, pick up the radio.

(SIGHS)

Okay, Bill, listen.

You're gonna want to get cozy at the dock.

Coast Guard says that all harbor traffic is

suspended until this fog lifts.

We're canceling ferry services for the next few hours.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not tonight.

This is my fifth night of mandatory overtime

on the oldest rust bucket on the fucking fleet.

I'm tired.

I don't feel well.

I gotta take a shit.

Nothing's coming out.

I want to go home.

I'm-- I'm calling the fucking union right now.

Uh, no.

Stand by.

This fuckin' guy...

This fucking guy!

Technically, the delay goes into effect on the hour.

If you get out now, you're clear to depart.

Just-- just take it slow on that old shitbird, big guy.

All right?

Thank you, tower.

And make it back in the St. George

in one piece, okay?

And eat some fiber, fuck.

- (GRUNTS) - (FEEDBACK WHINES)

Good evening, everyone.

Weather conditions are foggy.

There's a storm coming in.

We will be departing momentarily.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SHIP HONKS HORN)

(***)

It's gonna be a long fucking night.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)

(***)

(***)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(LAUGHTER & CHEERING)

Okay. Woo!

Hello! Party boat! Hello!

Okay!

Let's get this jungle cruise going, huh?

(GRUNTS)

Eh!

Ew! Is the ferry always this disgusting?

That just means you're too sober.

OMG, Jazzy just broke the ferry.

Ignore them, Matteo.

They're lost souls. You pray for them.

(***)

Let's go find some other seats.

Hate the late-night ferry.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Barry?

It's Amber. Remember me?

Do you need assistance?

Barry, come on.

I keep telling you, you need to watch your blood sugar.

Let's get you some electrolytes.

This boat is cursed.

We're all gonna die.

Okay. You said that last week and the week before.

No one is gonna die tonight, all right?

But you need a doctor.

Who's gonna pay for it?

You?

How about I trade you?

I didn't-- I didn't get your name.

You never do.

(***)

Hey, you found it.

SELENA: Now, that's a view.

Yeah, I told you.

Most people like the upper deck, but...

I don't know, down here it's just a lot more...

Smelly?

Bay funk.

You gotta appreciate the shine and the grime, you know?

I'm Pete.

I'm Selena.

Selena. Pleasure.

Thanks for covering me back there.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Nice shoes.

SELENA: Thanks.

I actually made these.

PETE: No shit.

What are you, a designer or something?

Not yet.

Well, if I may make a suggestion.

You don't want to be walking around

the Staten Island Ferry in those.

Trust me, I'm the guy who mops it.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Every time I ride, I feel like I'd be better off

at the bottom of the Hudson.

People shit on things they love deep down.

I mean, to us, it's not just any ferry.

This is our ferry.

With an attitude like that,

you'll be captain in no time, Pete.

Yeah.

Not on your life.

I mean, deckhand's where it's at.

I mean, look at this.

It's magical.

It's just magical.

(***)

(***)

(SNORTS)

(WHISTLING 'TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME' NEARBY)

(***)

- (SNORTS) - (WHISTLING CONTINUES)

- (SNIFFLES) - (WHISTLING CONTINUES)

(***)

Oh, fuck, no!

I'll just buy another mask...

(DOOR CREAKS)

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

(PANTS)

- (GASPS) - (***)

Fuck it!

(GRUNTING)

Ah!

Ah! No!

(GRUNTING)

SCREAMBOAT WILLIE: Ahhh!

(CHOKES)

(TING!)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Fuck!

The bar is closed.

No!

Oh! Oh! (GIGGLES)

Yes!

Okay. Um... Oh, cups.

Here we go.

Sure. Why not? I'll give that to you.

- I want one. Oh, my God. - Yes.

I'm so happy you're all here with me.

My girls.

- RORY: Aw. - 1, 2, 3, 4.

Happy birthday to my whores!

(CHEERING)

Okay, it's just me, okay.

(CHUCKLING)

- Okay! - (LAUGHING, CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SIGHS)

(***)

CINDI: Okay. Yes! I love it.

Okay. My girls.

Hello?

Okay, I'm-- I'm coming in.

Promise I'll be quick.

(***)

(WATER DRIPPING)

(OCCUPANT FARTS)

MAN: Occupied.

Oh, God, is it occupied.

(MUNCHING)

(***)

(GASPS)

I think this is yours.

Oh, crap.

My sketchbook.

Not sure I want it back.

It's been claimed by the ferry.

Probably a sign.

"Dear Selena,

Abandon your dreams.

Love, New York."

Never throw away your hard work.

There's always something worth saving in the mess.

You should sanitize it, though.

- (SIGHS) - (TAP RUNS)

Maybe I should move back to Minnesota.

AMBER: Maybe you should.

New York's not for everybody.

Plus, it is already too damn crowded.

(SCOFFS) Rude.

AMBER: New York.

Either you love it or you learn to love it.

Do you love it?

Being a medic on the urine-soaked streets

of New York City?

What a dream.

You want to know how to make it in this city?

You've got to fight for it.

Hard.

Even when you're standing in piss.

Hmm.

Boil your feet when you get home.

(INHALES, BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(MUNCHING)

(***)

(YAWNS)

(SPEAKS SPANISH) We'll be home soon, okay?

And then you can go to sleep.

Why don't you lay down?

Let's watch some cartoons.

It's a dead zone.

- Ay, there's no cell service. - (YAWNS)

But look.

- What a view. - (BARGE HONKS HORN)

It's usually a better view.

Here you go.

Do mine and then Jazzy's, please.

- JAZZY: Yeah. - Smile for the Gram, ladies.

- (CHUCKLES) - (CLICKING PICTURES)

Livin' the dream, bitches.

(CHEERING)

Okay, everybody, laugh.

- Oh, good one! - (LAUGHING)

- I need some air. - (CAMERA CLICKS)

Do you think you could zoom in?

JAZZY: Yeah, little closer.

(LAUGHTER & CHATTER)

Living the dream, all right.

- Wait. - Wait.

Was that of you?

(***)

- (METAL SQUEAKS) - (LAUGHTER)

OFFICER PAT: I'm on it.

(DOOR CREAKS, SHUTS)

(FOOTSTEPS)

(LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHTER) - That was weird.

(***)

(WHISTLING IN DISTANCE)

- (LAUGHTER) - (FOOTSTEPS)

(WHISTLING)

OFFICER PAT: That can't be good.

- (GRUNTING) - (SCREAMBOAT WILLIE LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GROWLS)

(OFFICER PAT SCREAMS)

What the fuck are you?

(SCREAMING)

(***)

(SCREAMING)

(***)

(WHISTLING 'ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT')

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

(***)

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE LAUGHING)

(***)

Hmm!

(***)

(***)

Oh!

(HEARTBEAT THUDDING)

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Ooh!

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

(WATER SPLASHES)

SELENA: Help! Help me, please!

AMBER: Is everything all right?

What's going on here?

One of the cops was killed.

- PETE: What? - Killed?

Hold-- hold-- hold on a second.

O'Hare? No, no, he was just on the radio.

You saw him here?

Right here!

His head was in the water.

That thing, it had his face against the propeller.

I saw his spine.

You have to believe me!

Big eyes on O'Hare.

Wait, what thing?

There's no blood, there's no sign of struggle.

I don't know. It-- it was short and-- and-- and furry.

And it looked-- it looked like an animal,

like a huge mouse or something.

Lady, are you drunk? Does she look drunk to you?

Hey, wait, wait, hold on. Maybe we should hear her out.

Hey, thanks, Pete.

Go swab the bathrooms, okay? It's a real mess.

Gross.

You go look for O'Hare, okay?

His radio must be busted.

Hey, jerk-off.

I don't take orders from you.

You're not the captain, Tommy.

I gotta call this in.

Come on, let's get you inside.

Come on, it's really cold. Let's go.

It's all right.

(EXHALES)

Tower, this-- this fog is really bad.

I think this is gonna take a while.

Okay. Yeah, you've got the bay to yourself.

Harbor's clear of all traffic.

Take as long as you need. Just check the...

(RADIO STATIC)

Tower, do you copy?

(RADIO STATIC)

(BANGS TWICE)

Hello?

(METAL CREAKS)

(METAL SQUEAKS)

(FOOTSTEPS)

(WIND HOWLING)

(***)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE LAUGHING)

(***)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE SQUEAKS)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE SHOUTS)

(CHOKING)

(WHISTLING)

(GRUNTS, SIGHS)

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS)

(WHISTLES, THEN GRUNTS)

(WHISTLES)

(***)

Hmm. Mm-hm!

Ooh.

(SPITTING)

(***)

Hmm.

PETE: Hey, who-- who knows

what you really saw out there, you know?

It's heavy fog tonight.

You wouldn't believe some of the shit we've seen.

Yeah.

It was like a demonic rodent

with shorts and a hat.

- Ever see anything like that? - Okay, relax.

I think your blood sugar is a little bit low,

so I'm gonna go get you something for that.

Be right back.

PETE: Okay.

You believe me, right?

Anything can happen in New York.

Captain, some nutjob said she...

Holy shit.

(***)

O'Hare's not responding.

Holy shit!

Whitehall Harbor Tower,

this is Ferry Mortimer requesting aid.

- Copy, Tower? - Tommy, it's useless.

Look.

We are way off course in thick fog without instruments,

comms or a fucking clue.

What Tommy says about me is bullshit.

Holy shit!

- What happened to Captain Clark? - TOMMY: He's dead.

I'm the captain.

You're the captain?

You're fucking A right, asshole.

That makes you the first mate, by the way.

Oh. No, no, no.

I don't think I'm ready for that kind of responsibility.

DIAZ: All right, hold on a second, you two.

This could be some kind of terrorist situation,

and if that's the case, then the NYPD--

No, the ferry crew has jurisdiction and training

to take the lead when we're on the water.

Okay, this is now my ship...

my rules.

He's right, Diaz.

All right.

Okay, Pete.

- Pete! (SNAPS FINGERS) - Hmm. Yeah.

Move all the passengers

down to the lower level.

All right, that way we can avoid creating a panic

and find the asshole who did this.

How the fuck am I supposed to do that?

I don't know.

You're first mate, huh?

Figure it out!

(SIGHS) Boy Scout motherfucker.

All right, somebody needs to get down to the engine room

and find out what the hell is going on down there.

I'll check it out myself. You can never be too careful.

No, you don't.

I need you to help that asshole get all the passengers

down to the lower level.

Send someone else.

Sure thing, Captain.

(EXHALES)

Here we go.

Just like we practiced, baby.

First Mate Tommy Magdaleoni saves the day.

No.

Captain Tommy Magdaleoni saves the day.

Oh, fuck.

(***)

(***)

Huh?

Hmm.

(***)

♪ Once upon a time ♪

♪ I was a princess in this fairy tale ♪

Hmm! (MUTTERS)

♪ Gumdrop streets ♪

Perfect.

And that's the Dole Whip.

(***)

(CHUCKLES)

(CLICKING PICTURES)

Hmm. Oh!

Ohhh!

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE LAUGHS)

- (CHUCKLES) - (CAMERA CLICKS)

Oh.

Ew! What is that?

Oh! Am I getting my mother's jowls?

- Oh! - No, not at all.

(GRUNTS)

Honestly, it's all about the lighting.

Let's move over here.

(CHUCKLES)

Can I ask your professional content creator opinion?

Mm-hmm.

How do you do the ahegao face?

Is it like this?

- Ahh! - No, it's like this.

Watch how my eye half closes.

(BOTH IMITATE MOANING)

Ah?

JAZZY: Stick your tongue out like you're trying to

catch a snowflake.

(BOTH IMITATE MOANING)

Bye!

(PRESSES BUTTON)

(WOMEN IMITATE MOANING)

Oh!

Should I be drooling this much?

I mean, that's how you know it's working.

(IMITATES MOAN)

Good enough.

- (GRUNTS) - So we dance and make the face.

Fire content for our pervs.

And we show our tits?

No, we show our feet.

That's where the money is. Toes.

You are a genius, Jazzy.

I know. I am totally a prize to be won.

(GRUNTS)

AUBREY: Bitch, let's fucking go.

(JAZZY LAUGHS) All right, simps.

Ohhh!

This one's for our daddy-tier perverts.

We're gonna show you a whole new world.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(GASPS)

- Perfect lighting. - Right?

Argh!

(BOTH IMITATE MOANING)

(ENGINE REVS)

(LAUGHING)

(FLESH SQUELCHING)

(LAUGHS)

Oh!

Oh, shit.

Huh?

- (SCREAMBOAT WILLIE EXCLAIMS) - AMBER: Oh, my God.

(AMBER SCREAMS)

Excuse me, everyone.

I'm gonna need you to move to the lower deck. Come on.

(TUNES GUITAR)

Excuse me, sir. Please follow me to the back.

You, come on, follow me to the back, come on, this way.

I'm with the ferry, let's go.

Come on, come on, come on, let's go, let's go. Come on.

Follow me. Come on, let's go.

Please, everyone, just follow me.

Thank you. Come on, everybody. Come on, everybody.

Come on, follow me. Come on, come on.

To the back of the boat. Let's go.

- (SNORTS) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Ah. - (BOTH LAUGH)

Hi. Uh, could I please have everybody's attention?

We're gonna need you all to move down to the lower deck.

Um, in a single file, please.

Oh, my God, yeah, we should've docked by now.

Everyone, downstairs to the lower level now.

Let's go.

You were right about your small situation.

You saw it, didn't you?

It killed two innocent girls.

We need to call for help or abandon ship.

Ladies, um, we're having some, uh, technical issues.

- Everything's cool. - Everything is not cool.

We have a huge rodent problem.

Where is Jazzy?

Actually, and Arianna?

Are they partying without me on my birthday?

Skanks.

Look, we get everyone down to the lower level,

and then we'll figure out your...

...rodent problem, all right?

What if that's what it wants?

All of us together, like some sort of buffet?

Oh, there's food.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, uh, dinner's served.

Please, be our guest down in the grand ballroom.

Lower level, all right?

Capiche?

AMBER: Come on.

Happy birthday to me.

♪ And many more ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Thank God! (SQUEALS) - (BOTH LAUGH)

(PEOPLE SHOUT IN DISTANCE)

Take a nap, mijo, okay?

And when you wake up, you'll get to see Daddy.

What are they doing?

It's locked.

That sounds like a fire hazard.

And it's definitely not supposed to be locked.

Do you have keys?

Do I look like a janitor to you?

No, it's not that. It's like it's--

It's like it's stuck or something. I don't know.

- Or it's been jammed. - (PETE GRUNTS)

We've got to get everyone out of here now.

- Hey! - Hey! Hey, hey, hey.

- BOTH: Open the door! - MAN: Open the door!

MAN: Bullshit! We should have docked by now.

Keep it down, asshole.

Who you calling an asshole, dick nose?

Hey, fuck you!

- Fuck me? - Yeah!

- Fuck you! - Fuck you both!

Fuck all three of you.

I'm trying to sleep over here.

Hey, hey, somebody locked the door.

- What? - We're locked in.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - How are we locked in?

All right, everybody shut up and listen.

There's been an incident, all right?

The captain's dead.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Who's driving the boat?

How about a little discretion, huh?

Dead men tell no tales.

What happened?

The situation is developing.

I need everybody just to remain calm.

Remain calm?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

There's a killer on the Staten Island Ferry.

And we're locked in.

- (PEOPLE SHOUT) - Martinez, report.

Anybody? Della Salla? I need help down here.

Okay, okay, I'll say it.

It's got to be terrorists.

- What? - Oh! Oh, I'm the bad guy.

All right, sorry for being a truth teller.

I got no service.

None of us have service, you dick!

We're on a boat.

We're trapped on this boat with a murderer.

And we're locked in.

How the fuck are we getting out of here?

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

With our big fucking balls.

That's how!

Some asshole is trying to hijack our ferry?

Kill our captain?

Come for us?

No.

I say fuck that prick.

Nobody screws with us.

(CHEERING)

We don't start shit.

We don't give a shit.

And we sure as shit don't take shit from nobody.

- (CHEERING) - Damn right! Damn right!

DIAZ: You know why?

Because we are fucking New Yorkers!

That's why!

(CHEERING)

I'm not wasting another motherfucking minute

waiting for help.

I say we find this son of a bitch

and toss his ass overboard.

Now who's with me?

(CHEERING)

That's what I'm talking about!

Huh?

- Hey! Hey, open the door! - Hey!

(***)

Yeah!

(SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

What the fuck?!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

(CHOKES)

(THUDS)

(LAUGHS)

(PEOPLE GASP)

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Or am I just fucking high?

It is a small world after all.

(LAUGHS)

Get him!

(SCREAMING)

('RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES' PLAYS)

Argh!

(WHISTLING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

- (PANTS) - We can't just stand here.

- Oh, my God! - Ow! What the fuck?

(GRUNTS)

(BUZZING)

(SCREAMING)

(***)

(LAUGHS)

Are they having an Electrical Light Parade?

No, no! Back up! Back up! Let go of the door handle!

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

(SPLAT)

(SCREAMING)

- (LAUGHS) - We have to help them!

AMBER: They are already dead!

If we don't get the hell outta here,

we are dead, too, let's go!

(LAUGHS)

(EXPLOSION)

(BLOWS)

(***)

(SQUEAKS)

Hmm.

PETE: Over here!

(PANTING)

(SHUSHES)

Okay, I know this night isn't going

the way anyone thought it would.

But that thing is still down there.

And it will get bored and come looking for us.

If this were a terrorist attack,

we would find a safe place,

barricade ourselves in, and call for help.

The captain has a radio.

Maybe he radioed N.Y.P.D.

Or-- or the Coast Guard.

Or-- or Seal Team Six.

Yeah. There's a few problems there.

One, the radio's in pieces.

And two, we're really, really off course.

Who's steering the ship?

You remember Tommy?

Oh, God.

There has to be some sort of

emergency transponder in the engine room, right?

PETE: Yeah.

Yeah, the transponder pings the tower.

Once they realize we're off course with no comms,

they'll send for help.

Okay, how long could that take?

I don't know.

Maybe minutes? Hours?

Depends on the power staying on.

So we just wait it out and avoid Stuart Little?

Stop it with the lights, please!

- (PANTS) - God, I'm getting the spins.

- PETE: Oh. - CINDI: Ah.

- Where the... - Oh, here.

No, thanks.

Boo! It's my birthday.

Anybody? There we go! (CHUCKLES)

We are so incredibly fucked.

Give it back.

(BOTTLES RATTLE)

(***)

(FOOTSTEPS)

Hmm.

Oh.

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

(***)

(SNIFFS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(FOOTSTEPS)

Ah.

(LAUGHS)

(PHONE DINGS)

Come on, kid.

Stay close.

- Officer! - Huh? What?

You have to come quick.

There's something wrong with the lights.

Fuck.

(***)

(***)

Whoa, jeez.

Not tonight, Jamie. I'm working.

I know.

But it's fun.

And it's dangerous.

And we're in here all alone.

JAMIE: Can you feel the love tonight?

I gotta go. There's something going on with the lights.

And you smell like Jägermeister and...

(SNIFFS)

Is that Nathan's?

Oh. Am I over the limit, officer?

I need a sobriety test.

And I know you have something I can blow on.

- (ZIPPER UNZIPS) - It doesn't work like that.

Ah. Ahhh.

Okay, it kind of does.

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GROWLS)

OFFICER CHRIS: Oh, yeah,

take me to the Magic Kingdom.

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GROWLS)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE WOLF-WHISTLES)

What the hell?

(***)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

Ahhh!

(LAUGHS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE LAUGHS)

Urgh!

Ooh!

- Ooh! - (OFFICER CHRIS GROANS)

- Ahh! - (THUD)

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

(PANTING)

(SCREECHES)

(SCREAMS)

Why would a giant rat take the Staten Island Ferry?

Is it your mascot or something? Like--

Hey, would you keep it down?

Maybe it wants some cheese.

Have you tried that?

I think Mama packed some in my purse.

(SHUSHES)

It has excellent hearing.

Oh. How would you know?

Are you some like rat expert or something?

It has huge ears.

That's cute.

Well.

(***)

(AMBER SHUSHES)

Stay close. We have no idea what's ahead.

Guys.

Where's the birthday princess?

Oh, shit.

Oh, God.

Cindi!

Cindi, get back here!

We can't leave her.

I won't tell if you guys don't.

- (METAL RATTLES) - (FOOTSTEPS)

Okay, come on, come on. Hey, come on, come on.

Oh!

Fuck! You scared the shit out of us.

We're not the ones you should be scared of.

You saw a pizza rat, too.

Seriously? Pizza rat?

Well, yeah, we got to call it something.

Name's Moses.

This is Matteo.

We've been looking for anyone else.

How the hell did you guys survive down there?

Specialty construction boots.

I found the kid laying on a rubber kitchen mat,

and, mostly, he was quiet as a...

Well, you know.

How'd you survive?

We tried to get in. The door was locked.

Oh, that damn rat chipped them off.

(MOSES GRUNTS)

Maybe it locked us out on purpose to keep us safe.

Maybe it didn't want us to die.

Yeah, that doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, I don't-- I don't think Rizzo the rat

is the keep people safe type, you know?

(GLASS SMASHES)

MOSES: Hey, we've got to get off this horror cruise.

Maybe swim to Governors Island

or maybe the statue or something.

That water is way colder than you think it is.

Our bodies will go into hypothermic shock

within minutes.

We'd basically be frozen.

Let it go.

We're going in the control room.

Come with us.

No one else is dying tonight, okay?

As long as we stick together.

I'm Amber. That's Selena.

This is Pete.

- He's the first mate now. - About time.

All right, yeah.

- AMBER: Let's go. - All right.

(WATER RIPPLING)

(***)

(DOOR CREAKS)

- Pete? - (FOOTSTEPS)

If that's you, quit messing around

and hand me the Phillips screwdriver.

- (FOOTSTEPS) - (METAL RATTLES)

No, you moron. I said Phillips.

- You high again? - (TOOLS CLINK)

(SIGHS) I'm surrounded by idiots.

Are you kidding me, Pete?

Okay. I know you don't want to be the first mate.

But I'm not exactly swimming in options here, okay?

Fuck, just give me the damn hammer!

SCREAMBOAT WILLIE: Hmm!

What is this?

(***)

Holy fuck!

- (METAL BANGS) - Oh!

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE WHISTLES)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, f--

(LAUGHING)

(***)

Where is everybody?

(LAUGHS) Hello?

It's like a fucking runway over here. Okay.

Hello!

If you guys are going to jump out and yell, "Surprise!"

I cannot be held liable for my actions.

Hello?

Okay.

It--

Can't get a signal. Fuck.

- Oh, Jesus. - (METAL CLANGS)

This fucking ferry Wi-Fi fucking sucks.

I swear to God, they're getting an email.

I'm so fucking over this.

Oh, my God. iPhone unavailable. Why can't...

I just want to go out. I just...

(***)

What the fuck?

That isn't the captain, is it?

No, that... was the temp captain.

That was the real captain.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast, kiddo.

Nothing you need to see here.

Mayday, mayday. SOS.

The Staten Island Ferry is fucked.

That little shit broke everything.

I wish I could say this was the first time tonight

I walked into the bridge to find a dead captain.

So does that make you the captain now?

- Hmm? - No.

No.

Being the captain is not on my list of shit

to accomplish before I die.

Which feels oddly soon, given the circumstances.

We'll figure it out.

(SCREAMS)

Barry, you made it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy there, old-timer.

As soon as they told us to get to the lower level,

I knew that was the last place I wanted to go.

You're going to be okay.

I'm dead, just like you.

You're all going to die.

You said that last week, and the week before,

and earlier tonight, but still we're here.

Well, not all of us.

Oh...

(PHONE DINGS)

Holy shit. I actually have service.

(CHUCKLES)

(***)

Oh, no, no. Fuck this. Fuck this.

This is my fucking birthday and I reject all of this.

(GROANS)

(***)

(SIGHS)

(SCREAMING)

Ahh!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING) No, no! No!

Uh-uh!

Oh!

Whoo! Oh!

CINDI: Come on.

(WHISTLING 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY')

(GRUNTS) Fuck!

(WHISTLING)

Shit.

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

Fuck you, you furry harbor motherfucker!

Ah!

(SIGHS)

(***)

(GROANS)

Huh?

(PIERCING NOISE)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

(COUGHS)

(SQUELCHING)

(SQUELCHING)

(FOOTSTEPS)

AMBER: Flares.

We can use the flares to signal the mainland.

There's an emergency stash down at the lower level.

AMBER: Okay.

Kid ain't going back down there

and I ain't leaving the kid.

Not with whatever it is loose on board.

BARRY: Willie.

This is about Steamboat Willie.

Did you say Steamboat?

Uh, yeah, actually,

uh, the Staten Island Ferry's been running since the 1800s,

and most of them were run on steam until about the '70s.

What? I paid attention during staff training.

BARRY: I heard stories

about a monster that lurked

in the underbelly of the ferry,

but nobody ever found proof.

Wait, you were a deckhand?

In the 1960s.

And even then they told tales

of a... an imaginative, joyous,

kind-hearted captain by the name of Walter.

But everyone called him Walt.

He was a man of the sea with a heart as big as the ocean.

It was on his ship that he stumbled into

a creature unlike any other.

Willie.

Willie was some kind of experiment

abandoned in the cargo hold.

They were trying to make him more animated,

more appealing to kids.

So he set Willie free.

Willie became his friend.

He gave Willie his freedom, his dignity, and his purpose.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

But then tragedy struck,

and just like that, Willie was gone.

As time went by,

some thought that maybe

he was just an urban legend,

a figment of Walt's overactive imagination.

Now, after 90 years,

he's finally out in the public.

Who knows what he wants.

Wow. That's going to make one fucked-up cartoon someday.

Wait, so this boat is the same boat

that was in the story?

BARRY: Parts of it, yes.

Everything gets recycled over and over again.

To save money.

(***)

- (SCREAMS) - (SCREAMBOAT WILLIE WHISTLING)

- (METAL CREAKING) - (WATER DRIPPING)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE WHISTLING 'TURKEY IN THE STRAW')

- (GAS WHOOSHES) - (SCREAMS, GRUNTS)

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

Stop, please!

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE CONTINUES WHISTLING)

- (GAS WHOOSHES) - Ah! Oh! Oh, God! Oh.

- (FOOTSTEPS) - (PANTING)

Please. Ohh!

- (STEAM HISSES) - (CRIES OUT)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(***)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE CONTINUES WHISTLING)

Ha!

- (SCREAMS) - (STABS)

OFFICER MARTINEZ: Roscoe, where'd you go?

Fucking coward.

(***)

(METAL CLANGS)

- (METAL CLANGS) - (SCREAMBOAT WILLIE LAUGHS)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE WHISTLES)

(LAUGHS)

Die, you rat motherfucker!

- (GUNSHOTS) - SCREAMBOAT WILLIE: Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

- (GUNSHOTS) - Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

- (FOOTSTEPS) - (LIQUID FLOWING)

What the fuck?

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE WHISTLES)

(SQUELCH)

Oooh!

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE LAUGHS)

Oh, shit.

- (SCREAMS) - Ooh!

(***)

MOSES: So what's the plan?

PETE: Well, if you wanna get off this boat,

you're going to have to get those flares.

Which means we're going to have to leave Barry here

and go down below deck.

Hey, do you guys know who this kid is?

Borough President's son, right?

MOSES: Your daddy's probably got

a whole fleet out looking for us.

Yeah, once we realize rescue's close,

we'll fire 'em off and everything will be okay, right?

(THUDDING)

PETE: Fuck me, that did not sound good.

Come on, guys, we've gotta go get the flares.

- Together, as a group. - (PETE SIGHS)

Right, right, they're down in the engine room.

When we get down there, I'll try and fix this.

Look, I used to do electrical work back in the day.

I'll go with you.

- PETE: All right. - MOSES: Uh, uh...

We'll go with you.

Little man watching over us, we'll be all right.

Right, Captain Pete?

(PETE SIGHS) Yeah.

(***)

Okay, all right, come on. Okay.

(METAL CREAKING)

(SHUSHES)

All right, here we go.

Come on. Okay, all right.

The entrance to the engine room is straight ahead.

It's like a maze of secret tunnels and hallways.

I mean, this boat is crazy.

Okay, Moses, Matteo, you guys are gonna go straight ahead.

- Be right there. - Right.

And then the flares are gonna be back here

next to the fuse box.

- We got this. - PETE: All right.

(SIGHS)

You wear leadership well.

Yeah, I'm kind of just learning as I go along.

Where the hell did I put--

Ah, here we go.

Now, uh, I got you something.

It's nothing special,

but I think it'll help you get through the rest of this,

uh... uh... um... v-voyage.

Ta-da!

I know they're not very unique, but they are very practical.

Just, uh, do me a favor, okay?

Don't die down there.

(***)

Aye-aye, Captain.

Please stop calling me Captain.

(***)

(COUGHING)

(METAL CLANGS)

Did you hear that?

Yeah, I fucking hate the engine room.

Probably not a good time to mention that. Yeah.

- (PETE COUGHS) - Matteo, stay close, all right?

(METAL CLANGS)

(PETE GRUNTS)

- Hey, hey. - What?

Let's exterminate this rat, all right?

All right! (GRUNTING)

Dominique?

You're alive! (LAUGHS)

- Deckhand Pete? - Yeah.

Well, technically, it's Captain Pete, right?

- PETE: Acting, only temporary. - (MOSES LAUGHS)

Hey, uh, is the emergency transponder still running?

Oh, no, not without power.

Damn.

You-- you guys have to help me fix it.

Down this way.

- Yeah, we can do. - All right.

Yeah, okay, okay.

You stay here, buddy. I'll be right over there.

(***)

(WATER DRIPPING)

(GAS WHOOSHES)

(GASPS, PANTS)

(MUNCHING)

(***)

Ooh!

(***)

Okay. All right, where is it?

Ah! Here we go. All right.

Okay, right there.

Someone did a number on this thing.

Yeah, tell me about it.

(PICKS UP OBJECT)

(GRUNTS)

- PETE: Moses! What the-- - Oh!

- Whoa. - DOMINIQUE: Sorry, G.

PETE: I got you, I got you.

(MOSES GROANS)

Dom, what the--

I'm taking orders from a new captain now.

Subtle.

See, Willie, he's not the only one of his kind.

We're on a rescue mission to find someone lost at sea.

Nothing is going to stand in his way.

(METALLIC CREAKING)

- (SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GRUNTS) - (FOOTSTEPS)

(SCREAMS)

(SHUSHING)

(GRUNTS)

- (AMBER PANTING) - (SHUSHING)

(SELENA MUTTERS)

(AMBER PANTS)

Look, look, look, look, look, look. Go, go, go.

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS, SOBS)

Oh!

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE WOLF-WHISTLES)

(PANTS)

(***)

(FOOTSTEPS)

(SQUELCHING)

(SCREAMS)

(KISSES)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING, SCREAMING)

- Ah! - (THUDDING)

(BOTH PANT)

SELENA: You got it. Right in the eye.

Get the flares.

Let's call the cavalry.

It's empty.

Fucking perfect.

(SIGHS)

If we survive this night,

I'm going right to JFK

and getting on the first flight back to Minnesota.

Never coming back to Staten Island again.

We get that a lot.

MOSES: Bro, she done lost her damn mind.

PETE: I know, I know.

Look, we need to warn the girls, all right?

And then we got to get out of here.

(DOMINIQUE LAUGHS)

I've got all the flares on the ship right here.

No help's coming, Pete.

Our world is fucked.

But Willie's world?

It's the happiest place on Earth.

Dom, aren't you a little old

to be obsessed with a mischievous mouse?

We're all a little mad here.

(GRUNTS)

This is Captain Willie's ship

and you're all going down with it!

Wait, wait, wait! Dom, Dom, Dom, listen.

Captain Willie on deck.

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GROWLS)

I did everything you asked, Captain.

I-- I killed the engine.

I locked the doors.

The transponder is totally fried chicken.

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GROWLS)

- Argh! - (DOMINIQUE SCREAMING)

Let's go! Bro, get up, get up!

MOSES: Hey, go. Just go!

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE SCREAMS)

Matteo, come on, we got to go! Go, go, go, go, go.

Hey, ugly!

Huh?

(GASPS)

Say cheese, motherfucker.

- Ohh! - Oh, boy.

Go!

Oh! (GROANS)

(WATER BUBBLING)

AMBER: Are you okay?

(PANTING)

You all right, Matteo?

I don't think he made it, kid.

I'm going to get you out of here.

I promise.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, as the last member of the crew,

I guess that makes me captain.

Fuck me.

(PETE PANTING)

But a captain keeps his word.

I'm going to get you off this ship.

(METAL CREAKS)

All right, quiet, little buddy. (PANTS)

I think that mouse is close.

(FOOTSTEPS)

Pete!

You guys okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're doing all right down here.

Got this guy watching my back.

Hey, Matteo.

We're going to get you guys out.

Hang on. We're going to move this stuff, okay?

PETE: All right, all right. I got you.

(PETE GRUNTS)

Yeah.

We're sinking down here.

(AMBER GRUNTING)

(AMBER GRUNTING)

Everything's stuck. And heavy.

That's not good.

Find some leverage.

Fast.

(***)

PETE: Ahh.

It's getting sort of moist down here, guys.

Okay, we're going to have to pull together, all right?

Ready? Push!

(GRUNTING)

(***)

All right. I think we can fit through the hatch.

You're going to have to get on my shoulders, okay?

I'm gonna get you up there.

Come on, Matteo. Come on, buddy.

PETE: Here we go. 1, 2, 3.

(SCREAMS)

(PETE GROANS)

Guys, it's in here with us!

Take the kid! (GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTS)

Come at me, you trash weasel!

(WATER BUBBLING)

AMBER: Come on, let's go. Go, go, go.

It's okay.

Stay right here.

(GRUNTS)

Pete! Hurry up!

I don't think so, darling.

I'm captain.

But if I'm going down with this ship,

this little fucker's coming with me.

Come on.

(***)

(GRUNTING)

(***)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

Fuck!

My brother drew that tattoo!

Pete!

Don't throw your life away.

Not for the Staten Island Ferry.

I'm not doing it for the ferry.

(GROWLING)

Pete!

(PETE SCREAMS)

Everybody, off the ship.

Captain's orders.

It's been an honor, Captain.

Fuck you.

(SOBS)

Now your turn, partner. (PANTS)

Look at me!

This is our boat!

(GROWLING)

Come on.

(GROWLING)

Come on. Come on. Come on!

(SCREAMS)

No!

- We have to go! Come on! - Pete!

AMBER: Come on!

(SCREAMS)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

- Hey, come on! - Don't!

It looks so pretty.

And it's so close.

Like we could just swim there.

Pete died to give us a chance. We can't throw it away.

I'm done.

You're just exhausted.

Let me go find something to warm you up.

(***)

(NOISE)

(***)

(GROWLS)

(WHIMPERS)

(***)

(PANTS)

Willie isn't dead.

We need to get to the highest level.

Maybe somebody will find us before Willie does.

He just keeps coming.

Why?

What is it? What does he want?

MATTEO: My mom used to say,

"When all else fails, try love.

And always keep a weapon in your purse."

Your mom was a wise lady.

She must've been lost at sea.

That's why he's looking for her.

That's why he changed course.

Beautiful! Murder Mouse has a rat wife.

Can we please focus on the problem at hand?

The boat is sinking. We can't forget that.

SELENA: Look at her skirt.

What are the chances?

I have an idea.

Okay, Selena,

you're disassociating from trauma.

- I need you to stay with me. - No, no, no.

No, I'm present.

I gotta go get something.

No, is it up? We have to go up.

Go. Take Matteo.

I am done running.

I'm gonna kill Steamboat Willie.

Again, totally unnecessary.

Trust me. I'll find you.

You better. Come on.

(***)

Please let there be scissors.

Oh, that's even better.

♪ Waking up the monster ♪

♪ Waking up the monster ♪

♪ Waking up the monster ♪

I'd crawl out of a sewer for me.

♪ Waking up the monster ♪

(WATER RIPPLING)

(***)

AMBER: Okay, okay.

Wait. Oh, hey!

Hey!

Over here!

Hey!

Over here! Over here!

- (GROWLS) - AMBER: Hey!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, no. Come on, kid.

Come on.

Hide right here. Don't move.

- Get down. - (FOOTSTEPS)

(GRUNTS)

- (SCREAMBOAT WILLIE WHISTLING) - (FOOTSTEPS)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE WHISTLES 'FUNERAL MARCH')

(FOOTSTEPS)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE WHISTLES)

(GRUNTING)

(WILLIE LAUGHS EVILLY)

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

(AMBER SCREAMS)

(GRUNTING)

(AMBER GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

(SNARLS)

Arrrrghhhh!

(AMBER SCREAMING)

SELENA: Willie!

(GRUNTS) Huh?

SELENA: Willie.

Where is my rascally little stud?

(SQUEAKING)

What the...

(BLADE RINGS)

(THROWS FLARE)

(CHUCKLES COYLY)

There's my brave Willie.

(LAUGHS)

Come to me.

Who loves you?

That's right. Just a little bit closer.

SCREAMBOAT WILLIE: Oh. Oh. Oh.

Come and give me a kiss, you dapper darling.

(GRUNTS)

(***)

Hmm?

Huh?!

(***)

Oh. Oh.

Amber, wake up!

Amber, I need you to get up.

Please, I need you.

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE WHISTLES)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE LAUGHING)

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Matteo!

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GRUNTS)

(MATTEO SCREAMS)

- (SCREAMBOAT WILLIE LAUGHS) - (WATER SPLASHES)

(SCREAMS)

(PANTING)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GRUNTING)

(***)

(***)

(WHIMPERS)

(GRUNTS)

(SELENA PANTING)

Ha-ha!

(GRUNTING)

(***)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

Ohhh.

(PANTING)

(GROWLS)

(GROWLING)

Ohh!

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE GRUNTING)

(KICKS FLOOR)

Hey, steamboat fuckface!

SCREAMBOAT WILLIE: Huh?

(SELENA GRUNTS)

(GROANS AND SCREAMS)

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE SCREAMING)

Ha. Ha.

Ha-ha!

(WATER SPLASHES)

You're alive.

Perks of being an EMT.

Matteo!

We're coming to get you!

SELENA: Just keep swimming!

AMBER: Oh. He's gonna need therapy.

- (SHIP HONKING HORN) - Look.

(SHIP HONKING HORN)

I can't wait to never step foot

on the Staten Island Ferry again.

I don't know.

Beats tunnel traffic.

(WATER SPLASHES)

(***)

Thank you for looking after my son.

Are we the only survivors?

For now. Yeah, but they're still searching.

Come on. Let's get you a blanket.

I cannot wait to go home.

Still thinking of catching that plane?

I don't know.

Really?

You're really gonna leave?

Move away after surviving all of this?

Shit.

If this doesn't make you a New Yorker, nothing will.

Suppose I can give your hometown one more shot.

Oh, honey.

I was born in Seattle.

Really?

Wait, you're not from here either?

You don't have to be from here to be from here.

You know?

Guess this city can't get rid of me that easily.

(CHUCKLES) Not for lack of trying.

SERENA: I do love the shine.

And the grime.

You found this in the water?

Anything can happen in New York.

(***)

(SHIP HONKS HORN)

(WATER RIPPLING)

Hmm?

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE WOLF-WHISTLES)

(***)

(RADIO STATIC)

PETE: (ON RADIO) Amber?

Selena?

Anyone hear me?

I need help!

Stuck down here!

Pete?

PETE: (ON RADIO) Fuck!

Hello?

Hey, Pete, can you hear me?

Pete, come in!

(PRESSES BUTTON THREE TIMES)

I'm coming, bro.

(SCREAMBOAT WILLIE LAUGHS)

(***)

(***)

(***)

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