Original subtitles

YES, SIR, I'D DO THINGS A LOT DIFFERENT

IF I WAS RUNNING THINGS DOWN IN WASHINGTON, I WOULD.

A LOT DIFFERENT.

YOU KNOW, I GOT A PRETTY GOOD IDEA

OF WHAT I'D DO IF I WAS PRESIDENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D DO IF I WAS PRESIDENT?

MR. PRESIDENT, IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I SCRATCH MY NOSE?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'D DO IF I WAS PRESIDENT.

FOR ONE THING,

I'D MOVE MY OFFICE OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE.

A MAN CAN'T WORK AND LIVE IN THE SAME PLACE, I SAY.

FLOYD.

I TRIED LIVING RIGHT HERE IN BACK OF THE SHOP ONCE.

WELL, IT WAS NO GOOD.

THE OLD LADY YAMMERING ON THE PHONE,

COOKING SMELLS COMING OUT OF THE WALLS.

IT WAS BAD FOR BUSINESS.

FLOYD, YOU AIN'T GETTIN' THEM SIDEBURNS

TOO SHORT, ARE YOU?

NOW, JUST SUPPOSE THAT I AM THE PRESIDENT

AND I'M HAVING A MEETIN' WITH THE PRIME MINISTER

OR MAYBE ONE OF THEM KINGS FROM THE OLD COUNTRY.

AND MY OLD LADY, SHE COMES BUSTIN' IN.

SHE SAYS, "FLOYD, WHAT YOU WANT FOR SUPPER,

PORK ROAST OR HOG JOWLS?"

I BELIEVE HE'S GOT THE LEFT ONE A LITTLE SHORT, BARNEY.

THE LEFT ONE AIN'T SHORT. THE RIGHT ONE'S TOO LONG.

FLOYD, IF YOU'D STAY OUT OF WASHINGTON

AND STICK TO YOUR BARBERIN',

I MIGHT GET A BETTER HAIRCUT.

WHAT'D YOU DO WITH MY SIDEBURNS?

HOWDY, BOYS.

YOU GOT THE LEFT ONE SHORT, FLOYD.

NO, LEFT ONE'S ALL RIGHT. RIGHT ONE'S TOO LONG.

OH, ANDY, YOU TELL ME.

HOW DO THESE SIDEBURNS LOOK TO YOU?

WHAT SIDEBURNS?

DOGGONE, I KNEW IT. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS.

YOU'RE CLIPPER-HAPPY.

WHAT ARE YOU FUSSING ABOUT?

MY SIDEBURNS. WHERE ARE THEY?

ARE THEY ON THE SIDE OR THEY ON THE TOP?

NEITHER PLACE.

THEY'RE RIGHT HERE ON THE FLOOR.

FLOYD, I TOLD YOU. I SAID I JUST WANTED A TRIM.

AND YOU CLIPPED THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.

WELL, NOW, WE'LL JUST FIX YOU RIGHT UP.

LET ME HAVE THEM SHEARS THERE, FLOYD.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, ANDY?

WELL, NOW, YOU SEE, WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO--

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THEM SIDEBURNS

COME UP EVEN WITH THE HOLE IN HIS EAR.

YOU SEE THAT RIGHT THERE?

NEXT TIME, WHAT YOU DO,

YOU STICK YOUR FINGER IN HIS EAR FOR A GUIDE.

SIT DOWN RIGHT OVER THERE. I'LL SHOW YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, ANDY?

I'M JUST GONNA EVEN UP THEM SIDEBURNS.

NO. YOU'RE NO BARBER.

FLOYD AIN'T NEITHER, BUT YOU LET HIM.

STOP IT, ANDY.

THIS AIN'T GONNA HURT.

THERE SHE IS.

NOW, HOW'S THAT LOOK TO EVERYBODY?

THE LEFT ONE'S STILL A WEE MITE SHORT, ANDY.

DO YOU SEE THERE?

THE RIGHT ONE'S WAY SHORT, I'D SAY.

WE'LL FIX THAT SCOUNDREL. HOLD STILL NOW.

NOW, NOW.

THERE SHE IS.

NOW, FLOYD, HOW'S THAT LOOK TO YOU?

IS HE STILL IN THE CHAIR?

THERE. THERE. NOW YOU KNOW.

HE'S BLIND AS AN OWL.

I DON'T CUT FROM HERE. I CUT FROM THERE.

NEXT TIME I WANT A HAIRCUT,

I'M GONNA STICK MY HEAD IN A PENCIL SHARPENER.

AND IT'LL FIT, TOO.

OH, BLOW IT OUT OF YOUR EAR.

OH, NOW, BARNEY, DON'T GET SO UPSET.

THIS IS JUST A FRIENDLY COMMUNITY HAIRCUT.

NOW, YOU JUST LET THEM SIDEBURNS GROW,

AND INSIDE OF A MONTH

YOU'LL LOOK LIKE ONE OF THEM BULLFIGHTING FELLAS.

[ HORN HONKS ]

MUST BE THE BUS UP NORTH COMING IN.

YEAH. MUST BE.

A STRANGER JUST GOT OFF.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S HEADED THIS WAY.

LET ME JUST GET THIS LITTLE PIKE'S PEAK RIGHT HERE.

DO YOU WANT ANYTHING ON YOUR HEAD?

YEAH, HAIR.

HI.

HELLO, ANDY.

FLOYD.

HOWDY.

WHAT YOU DOING?

OH, WE WAS JUST GIVING BARNEY A HAIRCUT.

WELL, MAKE IT A GOOD ONE.

DEPUTY SHERIFF'S GOT TO LOOK NEAT.

HOW'S YOUR RHEUMATISM, FLOYD?

USUALLY ACTS UP ABOUT THIS TIME OF YEAR.

HUH? OH, YES, IT DOES.

WELL, I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER

SO YOU CAN THROW A FEW HORSESHOES.

WELL, SEE YOU LATER.

OH, SAY HELLO TO OPIE AND AUNT BEE FOR ME, ANDY.

ANYBODY KNOW THAT FELLA?

NOT ME.

I NEVER SEEN HIM IN MY LIFE.

HOW DID HE KNOW ABOUT MY RHEUMATISM?

YEAH, AND HOW DID HE KNOW I WAS A DEPUTY

WHEN I WAS COVERED UP WITH THIS SHEET?

WELL, THAT'S PECULIAR, AIN'T IT?

MIGHTY PECULIAR.

I'M A RIGHT MIND TO FOLLOW HIM AWAYS.

I'M GOING WITH YOU, ANDY.

HERE YOU ARE, FLOYD. GO BUY A BARBER BOOK.

OH, HELLO, MRS. BUNTLEY.

HELLO.

MY, YOUR TWINS CERTAINLY ARE CUTE.

THANK YOU.

LITTLE ROBERT THERE IS SLEEPING JUST FINE,

BUT WILLIAM IS WIDE AWAKE, THE LITTLE RASCAL.

YOU KNOW WHICH ONE'S ROBERT AND WHICH IS WILLIAM?

UH-HUH.

WILLIAM HAS A LITTLE MOLE ON HIS RIGHT EAR, RIGHT?

YES.

GOOD DAY, MRS. BUNTLEY.

NOW, HOW DID HE...?

OH, MY, I...

ANDY, THAT FELLA, HE KNEW WHICH ONE HAD...

I KNOW.

IT GETS MORE PECULIAR ALL THE TIME.

WELL, HOWDY, STRANGER. YOU WANT A ROOM?

SURE DO.

SIGN HERE.

THERE YOU ARE.

209, JUST UP THE STAIRS...

209?

THE ONE WILBUR HENNESSEY GOT DRUNK IN

AND FELL OUT THE WINDOW?

WELL, UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

HMM...GIVE ME 216.

NOT THAT GREEN IS MY FAVORITE COLOR,

BUT AT LEAST IT'S BEEN FRESHLY PAINTED.

ALL RIGHT, STRANGER, YOU CAN HAVE 216.

SEE YOU LATER, JASON.

SHERIFF, UH, ED SAWYER, NEW YORK.

MEAN ANYTHING TO ANYBODY?

MIGHTY PECULIAR

HAVING A PERFECT STRANGER KNOWING ALL ABOUT YOU.

KIND OF SCARY-LIKE.

JUST AIN'T NATURAL.

LET ME GO UP AND ASK HIM A FEW QUESTIONS, ANDY.

NO. WE BETTER WAIT ON THAT.

CAN'T TRUST A FELLA LIKE THAT, NO, SIRREE.

NO, HE KNOWS TOO MUCH.

WISH YOU'D GIVE ME A FEW MINUTES ALONE WITH HIM.

ANDY, YOU'RE THE SHERIFF.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT THAT SUSPICIOUS CHARACTER?

AS LONG AS HE AIN'T DONE NOTHING OUTSIDE THE LAW,

I AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHING.

WELL, I'D SURE LIKE TO GO UP AND TALK TO HIM.

THAT FELLA SURE GIVES A BODY THE CREEPS.

I SAW A SHOW ONCE ON TELEVISION

WHERE A STRANGER KNEW ALL ABOUT ALL THE FOLKS IN THE TOWN,

AND YOU KNOW HOW IT TURNED OUT?

THE STRANGER WAS NOT A LIVING BEING.

HE WAS SOMETHING FROM THE SUPERNATURAL WORLD.

YOU GOING UP AND TALK TO HIM, BARNEY?

HUH?

NO. I MEAN...

WELL, WHAT'S THE HURRY?

THE MAN AIN'T DONE NOTHING.

JUST LEAVE HIM BE.

RIGHT, SHERIFF?

RIGHT, DEPUTY.

WELL, COME ON. BREAK IT UP.

LET'S GET MOVIN' HERE.

HI, JASON.

I'M GOING OUT FOR A LITTLE WALK.

IF ANYONE SHOULD CALL ME,

I'LL BE BACK IN ABOUT AN HOUR, OKAY?

OKAY.

SEE YOU LATER, JASON.

SO LONG, BARNEY.

WHO DO YOU FIGURE HIM TO BE, BARNEY?

I DON'T RIGHTLY KNOW YET.

I'M GONNA KEEP MY EYE ON HIM.

WHAT'S HIS ROOM NUMBER AGAIN?

216.

216, HUH?

WELL, MR. SAWYER,

I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO HAVE A LOOK AROUND YOUR ROOM.

AAAH!

OH, HOWDY, BARNEY.

OH, HI, ANDY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE?

HUH? OH, NOTHING.

I JUST STOPPED BY TO TALK TO JASON.

WELL, WHAT'S IN THERE?

IN WHERE?

IN THAT BOX THERE.

OH, IN THERE?

NOTHING IN THERE.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU GOT YOUR HAND IN THERE FOR?

OH, I JUST COME BY EVERY SO OFTEN

AND STICK MY HAND IN.

YOU DO?

MM-HMM. SEE, SOMETIMES I DO IT WITH BOTH HANDS. LOOKY HERE.

[ SNAP ]

AAAH!

WELL, BARNEY...

OFF. OFF. OFF. JUST GET THEM OFF OF ME.

WHAT IN THE WORLD...?

OFF!

ALL RIGHT. [ LAUGHS ]

YOU DON'T TRUST ANYBODY, DO YOU, JASON?

I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

WELL, DAD BURN IT, GEORGE,

WHAT'S WRONG WITH A STRANGER

TRYING TO BUY YOUR SERVICE STATION?

IT'S FOR SALE, AIN'T IT?

WHAT IF HE IS A LITTLE BIT PECULIAR?

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?

YOU JUST CALL ME

IF HE TRIES TO GIVE YOU ANY PECULIAR MONEY.

YEAH, BYE, GEORGE.

WHO'S PECULIAR, PA?

OH, I RECKON EVERYBODY IS A LITTLE BIT.

I'M PART PECULIAR, PA.

YEAH. HOW'D YOU FIND THAT OUT?

WELL, TODAY, MY TEACHER, SHE SAID TO ME

DID I WASH MY NECK THIS MORNING, AND I SAID I DID,

AND SHE TOOK A LOOK AND THEN SHE SAID,

"WELL, IT LOOKS MIGHTY PECULIAR TO ME."

YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS?

MM-HMM. IT MEANS "DIRTY."

NO. NO, IT DON'T.

IT MEANS, "STRANGE" OR "ODD."

LET ME SEE.

HUH, THAT IS PECULIAR.

YOU BETTER GO HOME AND WASH YOUR NECK.

OKAY, PA.

HI, BARNEY. HOWDY, BARNEY.

ANDY, I GOT TO TALK TO YOU.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? IT'S ABOUT THIS STRANGER.

WELL, WHAT'D HE DO?

HE SEEN ME COMING DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS HIM,

AND HE SHOVED HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET REAL FAST.

YOU RECKON HE'S GOT A GUN?

OH, NO. I DON'T THINK SO.

WELL, HE'S ACTING MIGHTY STRANGE, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

AND HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE HE KNOWS SO MUCH ABOUT US?

I DON'T KNOW.

AND WHO IS HE? WHAT IS HE?

MAYBE WE OUGHT TO RUN HIM OUT OF TOWN.

BARNEY, IF I WAS TO RUN EVERYBODY OUT OF TOWN

THAT ACTED A LITTLE BIT STRANGE,

I'D WIND UP EMPTYING THE WHOLE TOWN.

MIGHT HAVE TO REACH AROUND AND GET A GOOD HOLD

ON THE SEAT OF MY OWN BRITCHES.

HOW LONG DO YOU SUPPOSE

HE'S BEEN SPYING ON US?

SAY, DO YOU RECKON

HE COULD BE A FOREIGN SPY?

OH, HE DON'T SOUND FOREIGN TO ME.

YEAH, WELL, THEY LEARN TO TALK BETTER

THAN ANY OF US.

REMEMBER TOKYO ROSE?

THIS BOY AIN'T TOKYO ROSE.

I KNOW THAT. BUT WHO IS HE?

BOY, IF HE IS A FOREIGN SPY

I'D SURE LIKE TO BE THE ONE TO TRAP HIM.

I KNOW JUST HOW TO DO IT, TOO.

OH, YOU DO, DO YOU?

YOU BETTER JUST BE CAREFUL ABOUT...

HI, ANDY.

WELL, MR. SAWYER.

HOW ARE YOU, STRANGER?

YOU KNOW BARNEY HERE, OF COURSE.

OH, SURE. HIYA, BARNEY.

SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH?

UH, NOTHING. NOTHING.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, ANDY.

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

OH, NOTHING.

JUST BARNEY'S WAY

OF TRYING TO FIND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.

WE DON'T NONE OF US KNOW MUCH ABOUT YOU.

NO. I GUESS YOU DON'T.

UH, I, UH, I UNDERSTAND

YOU WANT TO BUY GEORGE SAPPERLY'S GAS STATION.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I CAME OVER TO SEE YOU ABOUT.

WHEN WE DRAW UP THE PAPERS, WOULD YOU BE A WITNESS FOR ME?

I'D APPRECIATE IT.

OH, YEAH. I GUESS I COULD DO THAT.

THANKS, ANDY. THANKS A LOT.

UH...

YOU, UH...

YOU FIGURE THAT WILL BE

A GOOD DEAL FOR YOU, DO YOU?

OH, YEAH.

HE'S LET IT RUN DOWN A LITTLE,

BUT I CAN FIX IT UP FINE.

WELL, SO LONG, ANDY.

UH, UH...

AM I RIGHT, OR OR, OR WRONG?

YOU NEVER HAVE BEEN

IN MAYBERRY BEFORE, HAVE YOU?

NO, NEVER.

BUT YOU FIGURE TO BE HAPPY HERE?

ARE YOU KIDDING? WHY SHOULDN'T I BE?

OH, UH, I DON'T KNOW.

WHY SHOULD YOU BE?

WHY, BECAUSE MAYBERRY'S MY HOMETOWN.

SO LONG, ANDY.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

CURIOUS, CURIOUS, CURIOUS.

BAD NEWS.

BAD, BAD NEWS EVERYWHERE.

DIDN'T HAVE NO RAIN LAST SUMMER

AND THAT HURT THE CROPS,

AND NOW I SEE WHERE THERE'S A EARLY FROST

AS HAS HURT THE PEACH CROP THIS YEAR.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

AIN'T THAT A SHAME IN THIS WORLD?

AIN'T THAT A SHAME IN THIS WORLD?

WELL, NOW, THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS.

OLD MAN JOE MacKNIGHT CELEBRATES HIS 103rd BIRTHDAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, HUH?

"REPORTERS ASKED HIM WHAT ADVICE HE COULD GIVE TO THE YOUNG FOLKS

"FOR A LONG, HAPPY, AND VIGOROUS LIFE.

"OLD JOE RAISED UP, LEANED FORWARD, SMILED,

AND THEN FELL BACK TO SLEEP AGAIN."

ANDY... NEXT!

YOU GO BACK TO SLEEP, FLOYD.

WE'RE A WHOLE LOT SAFER THAT WAY.

WHAT IS IT, BARNEY?

MAYBE YOU'LL FINALLY DO SOMETHING.

WE GOT HIM NOW. HUH?

WELL, I GUESS THIS OUGHT TO DO IT FOR YOU

FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL.

HE FINALLY OVERPLAYED HIS HAND.

YOU GONNA DO SOMETHING?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, BARNEY?

WH-WH-WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I'M TALKING ABOUT ED SAWYER. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU GONNA DO SOMETHING OR AIN'T YOU?

WE OUGHT TO MOVE IN RIGHT NOW.

WELL, WHAT'D HE DO?

WHAT'D HE DO? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE DID.

HE'S BEEN HANGING AROUND LUCY MATTHEWS' HOUSE.

AND?

AND HE RANG HER DOORBELL.

SO?

SO, NOW'S THE TIME TO ARREST HIM

AND BRING THIS DANGEROUS FELLER IN FOR QUESTIONING.

YEAH, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU

GONNA ARREST THIS DANGEROUS FELLA FOR?

WHAT FOR? WELL, FOR RINGING HER DOORBELL.

BARNEY, YOU CAN'T ARREST HIM FOR RINGING HER DOORBELL.

I CAN'T?!

WELL, LAST HALLOWEEN

I DRUG THREE 12-YEAR-OLD BOYS IN.

OH, BARNEY.

AND THIS FELLER AIN'T EVEN GOT

THE EXCUSE OF TRICK-OR-TREAT.

I ADMIT HE'S A CURIOUS ONE

AND I WONDER ABOUT HIM A WHOLE LOT,

BUT WE'LL JUST HAVE TO LEAVE HIM ALONE.

I RECKON WE'LL FIND OUT SOMETHING 'BOUT HIM BY AND BY.

YEAH, WELL, I STILL SAY

THERE'S A WAY OF TRAPPING HIM.

AND I STILL THINK HE'S SOME KIND OF A SPY.

OH, YOU DO?

YES, I DO.

AND YOU FIGURE SOMEBODY HERE IN TOWN IS HIS CONTACT

AND MAYBE BETWEEN 'EM

THEY'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

SOME OF OUR SECRETS,

LIKE HOW WE MAKE POSSUM PIE

OR HOW WE MAKE TURNIP JAM?

LAW! YOU DON'T RECKON HE'S HERE SNOOPING 'ROUND

TRYING TO FIND OUT HOW WE MAKE FRIED CHICKEN

AND JOHNNYCAKE, DO YOU?

GO AHEAD, MAKE, MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT.

WELL, BARNEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

[ MOANING ]

OH, WE BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.

WE'RE DISTURBING FLOYD.

NEXT!

JUST A FLY, A FLY.

OH.

I WISH YOU'D STOP

MESSING AROUND AND TEND TO BUSINESS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE DON'T JUST RUN HIM IN.

HE AIN'T DONE NARY A THING.

I STILL SAY HE'S A SPY.

Ed: ANDY!

WELL, MR. SAWYER, HOW ARE YOU?

FINE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, BARNEY?

HABLA USTED ESPANOLY?

WHAT?

NOTHING.

HE'S KINDA KOOKY, ISN'T HE?

YEAH, A LITTLE BIT, BUT HE'S NICE.

SAY, ANDY, I WONDER IF YOU COULD DO ME A FAVOR.

WELL, IF I CAN.

COME ON IN HERE IN THE COURTHOUSE

AND TELL ME ABOUT IT.

LET ME GET YOU A CHAIR

AND YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU.

WELL, YOU, UH...

YOU KNOW LUCY MATTHEWS, DON'T YOU?

YEAH. I UNDERSTAND YOU BEEN CALLING ON HER A LITTLE BIT.

I SPOKE TO HER ON THE PHONE,

BUT SHE WON'T HAVE ANY PART OF ME,

AND I CAN'T GET HER TO ANSWER THE DOOR.

WON'T, HUH?

SHE'S PRETTY, ISN'T SHE?

SHE'S NICE, TOO,

ISN'T SHE?

YEAH. WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

I LOVE HER.

Y-Y-YOU LOVE HER?

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HER?

NO.

BUT YOU LOVE HER?

YEAH.

YOU BELIEVE FOLKS WILL EVER FLY TO THE MOON?

SURE. I'M GOING THERE MYSELF SOMEDAY.

BOY, YOU'RE ALREADY THERE.

NOW, WHAT, UH, WHAT WAS IT

YOU WANTED ME TO DO ABOUT YOU AND LUCY?

WELL, SINCE YOU KNOW HER...

[ DOOR OPENS ]

SHERIFF, I'VE COME TO FILE A COMPLAINT.

OH, HELLO, LUCY.

LUCY!

LUCY MATTHEWS.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE

I EXPECTED.

Lucy: SHERIFF?

ED, DON'T YOU THINK

IT MIGHT BE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA

IF I WAS TO INTRODUCE YOU?

THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HER.

YOU DO?

YOU WERE VALEDICTORIAN OF YOUR CLASS,

BLUE'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR, YOU LOVE TO DANCE,

YOU LIKE HOT FUDGE SUNDAES,

YOU'RE A CAPRICORN, AND I'M JUST WARMING UP.

UH, I WOULDN'T GET MUCH WARMER THERE, ED.

I MIGHT HAVE TO RUN YOU IN.

I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN ANYBODY COULD KNOW YOU.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE,

AND I THINK YOU'RE CRAZY.

I KNOW HE IS.

NOW, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP RINGING MY DOORBELL?

LUCY!

WHAT DID I DO?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'LL HAVE TO ADMIT

THAT WAS KIND OF A UNUSUAL MEETIN'.

YOU DON'T THINK I WAS TOO FORWARD THE FIRST TIME?

"FORWARD?" WHY, NO.

WHY, I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T ASK HER

TO MARRY YOU.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, BOY?

YOU SHY, OR SOMETHING?

I-I GUESS I SCARED HER.

WELL, NOW, IN A WAY, I'D SAY,

YES, YOU DID SCARE HER JUST THE LEAST LITTLE BIT.

YOU'VE SCARED A RIGHT MANY PEOPLE AROUND HERE.

GEORGE SAPPERLY... WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU SCARED HIM OUT OF SELLING YOU THAT GAS STATION.

BUT IT'S FOR SALE. HE SAID THAT...

I-IT'S FOR SALE

BUT NOT TO YOU.

OH.

IT DIDN'T WORK.

IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

IT JUST DIDN'T WORK.

WELL, WHAT DIDN'T WORK?

NOW, YOU'RE LEAVING OUT A RIGHT GOOD PART OF IT THERE.

WHY DON'T YOU START RIGHT AT THE VERY BEGINNING

AND TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT WHAT DIDN'T WORK.

WELL, I-IT MAY SOUND KINDA SILLY

BUT, BUT HERE GOES.

DO YOU REMEMBER JOE LARSON?

YEAH, YEAH, PETE AND EDIE LARSON'S BOY.

JOINED THE ARMY 'BOUT FIVE OR SIX YEARS AGO.

THAT'S RIGHT, AND WHEN I DID MY HITCH

I WAS HIS BUDDY.

OH, I USED TO ENVY JOE LARSON.

HOW COME?

'CAUSE HE WAS FROM HERE

AND, AND I WAS FROM NO PLACE.

WELL, NOW, NOBODY'S FROM NO PLACE.

OH, LIVING ALONE, HOTEL, NO FAMILY--

THAT'S LIKE BEING NO PLACE.

ANYWAY, I USED TO READ JOE'S HOMETOWN PAPER.

READ IT EVERY WEEK.

UH-HUH.

A-AND I USED TO LISTEN TO JOE TELL ABOUT THE PLACE

AND, WELL, WHEN I GOT BACK TO NEW YORK

AT THE HOTEL I LIVED IN,

I KEPT ON SUBSCRIBING TO THE PAPER.

I LEARNED EVERYTHING THERE WAS TO KNOW ABOUT MAYBERRY.

PRETTY SOON

I STARTED TELLING PEOPLE THAT I CAME FROM HERE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I STARTED BELIEVING IT MYSELF.

YOU DID?

YEAH.

AND WHEN I READ

GEORGE SAPPERLY'S GAS STATION WAS FOR SALE,

I FIGURED THE TIME HAD COME

FOR ME TO MAKE MY MOVE TO MAYBERRY--

MY...HOMETOWN.

HUH!

WELL, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL US THAT

WHEN YOU FIRST GOT HERE?

OH, GUESS I WAS AWFUL STUPID.

NO, NOW, NO, Y-YOU'RE NOT STUPID.

A LITTLE BIT OVERANXIOUS MAYBE.

YOU LIKE THE TOWN.

YOU LIKE THAT LITTLE GIRL.

BUT YOU GOT TO GIVE THEM TIME, YOU SEE,

TO LIKE YOU BACK.

YEAH.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

YES, SIRREE.

FOLKS LIKE TO TAKE THINGS SLOW.

SOME PEOPLE DON'T EVEN HOLD HANDS IN PUBLIC

TILL THEY'VE HAD THEIR SEVENTH OR EIGHTH YOUNG'UN.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S THE TRUTH?

THIS WOULD MAKE

A RIGHT GOOD PIECE FOR OUR PAPER.

OH, ANDY, I DON'T...

YES, YES, IT WOULD.

FOLKS WOULD READ ABOUT YOU, AND THEY'D GET TO SEE

THAT YOU'RE JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE

AND THAT, THAT YOU AIN'T A SPOOK

NOR A FOREIGN SPY, NOR NOTHING.

YOU REALLY THINK IT WOULD WORK?

YES, SIRREE.

I'LL JUST CALL THE PAPER AND TELL THEM 'BOUT IT,

AND THEY'LL PRINT IT.

YES, SIR. EXACTLY WHAT I'LL DO.

NOW, YOU GO ON BACK TO THE HOTEL

AND DON'T WORRY NARY A BIT.

OKAY, I-I'LL BE AT THE HOTEL.

ALL RIGHT.

I-I'LL WAIT FOR YOU TO CALL.

ALL RIGHT.

UH, SARA...?

ME.

UH, S-SARA, GET ME THE PAPER.

I GOT A STORY

'BOUT THAT STRANGER THAT'S IN TOWN

THAT YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE IT.

WHAT?

YOU-YOU-YOU-YOU'RE PROVOKED WITH HIM?

HE KNOWS YOU TAKE

A PINCH OF SNUFF NOW AND THEN, DOES HE?

WAIT TILL YOU FIND OUT HOW COME HE KNOWS SO MUCH ABOUT US.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

YOU SEE, WHAT --

WAIT A MINUTE, SARA.

I HEAR A LITTLE SCUFFLING OUTSIDE THE JAIL HERE.

LET ME -- LET ME CALL YOU BACK.

ALL RIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE?

MAYBE HE'D JUST LIKE TO GO HOME!

YEAH, ALL THE WAY HOME WHERE HE COME FROM!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

Andy: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU ALL TRYING TO DO?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, BILL?

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO FIGHT HIM FOR?

HE AIN'T DONE NOTHING TO YOU.

HE'S BEEN BOTHERING LUCY.

Andy: HE AIN'T BEEN BOTHERING YOU

OR YOUR SISTER LUCY, OR ANYBODY ELSE.

I KNOW WHY YOU'RE TRYING TO FIGHT HIM.

I KNOW WHY EVERYBODY HERE WANTS TO FIGHT HIM.

YOU'RE JUST LETTING BILL MATTHEWS DO IT FOR YOU.

YOU'RE ALL TRYING TO RUN THIS BOY OUTTA TOWN.

DON'T, ANDY. JUST LET ME GO.

NO, I'M BOUND TO SAY THIS

AND THEY'RE BOUND TO LISTEN, TOO.

NOW, WHAT'S HIS BIG CRIME?

WHAT'S THIS BOY DONE TO MAKE ALL OF YOU SO MAD AT HIM?

NOTHING. NOT NAR' A THING.

HE JUST PICKED MAYBERRY TO BE HIS HOMETOWN, THAT'S ALL.

JUST PICKED IT RIGHT OUT.

PICKED IT RIGHT OUT.

AND HOW COME HE KNOWS SO MUCH ABOUT EVERYBODY?

HE'D BEEN TAKING OUR HOMETOWN PAPER BY MAIL.

BEEN READING AND STUDYING UP ON EVERYBODY.

AND THEN HE DECIDED HE WANTED TO COME HERE AND LIVE

FIT IN, AND ACT LIKE ONE OF YOU.

HIS ONLY CRIME WAS HE TRIED TO FIT IN A LITTLE TOO FAST.

GOT OVERANXIOUS ABOUT IT.

MADE SOME OF YOU

FEEL SUSPICIOUS.

MADE SOME OF YOU FEEL FOOLISH.

SCARED SOME OF YOU.

BUT OUT OF ALL THE TOWNS

HE PICKED MAYBERRY TO BE HIS HOMETOWN.

IT LOOKS LIKE TO ME YOU'D BE PROUD

TO HAVE A FELLA WHO THINKS SO MUCH OF YOU

TO WANT TO COME SETTLE DOWN AND LIVE AMONGST YOU.

ANDY, FORGET IT.

I DON'T BLAME YOU NAR' A BIT FOR WANTING TO FORGET IT.

SOME FELLAS PICK THE WRONG WOMAN.

I RECKON YOU PICKED THE WRONG TOWN.

I WOULDN'T BLAME YOU A BIT IF YOU LEFT HERE

AND NEVER SET ONE FOOT IN HERE AGAIN.

AND THE WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW, I'VE A MIND TO GO WITH YOU.

MR. SAWYER, UM...

I-I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY IF YOU WOULD LIKE

TO CALL ON ME TONIGHT.

HUH?

STOP BY THE GAS STATION LATER, SON

AND WE'LL DRAW UP THE PAPERS.

WELL, I...

RATES AT THE HOTEL ARE CHEAPER

BY THE MONTH, SON.

WELL...!

Barney: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LET'S BREAK IT UP.

LET'S MOVE IT ALONG.

YOU'RE CONGREGATING UNLAWFULLY.

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS HAD A FEELING ABOUT HIM, ANDY.

OH, I KNOW, I NEVER SAID NOTHING 'BOUT IT.

HE'S ALL RIGHT.

YEAH.

YOU LIKE HIM, DO YOU?

YEAH.

SPRECHEN THE DEUTSCH?

WELL, ED, AS LONG AS YOU'RE GONNA LIVE WITH US

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE ONE OF US,

WHY, YOU MIGHT AS WELL LOOK LIKE US.

THAT'S RIGHT.

FLOYD! NEXT!

GO GET HIM, FLOYD.

REMEMBER ABOUT THE SIDEBURNS.

OH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.

[ WHISTLING SPRIGHTLY TUNE ]