Original subtitles

(theme song plays)

Boy, when I get rich and famous,

you know the first thing I'm going to do?

Wipe. That's a towel in your hand, not a blotter.

What's the first thing you're going to do?

The first thing I'm going to do is hire a guy

just to follow me around and do my chores for me.

Why hire somebody?

I thought that was my job.

Big shots always have people around, don't they?

Yeah, I knew a movie star once

who hired a stooge just to scratch matches on.

I'll bet they even have people just to shave them.

Yeah, they call them barbers.

Wow!

I don't know why they call him Lonesome George.

Look at this, Robbie.

I'd like to be lonesome like that. Yeah.

Looks like everybody's going swimming but him.

BUB: What you got there?

Picture of George Gobel.

Do you know him?

Do I know him?

Good old Lonesome George.

Who's George Gobel?

You mean, you really know George Gobel personally?

Yes, I really mean I know George Gobel personally.

Honest? "Honest?"

What kind of a crack is that?

Well, you know what Fizzy McNaulty says.

Oh, no, you don't have to tell him that.

Nobody ever believes Fizzy.

All right, what does "Fizzy McNaulty says"?

He doesn't really believe

that you were ever in show business,

that you really know these guys.

Oh, he doesn't, does he?

Well, you ask him if he ever heard of Jack Benny?

You know Jack Benny?

Who's Jack Benny?

When I was stage manager at the Royal Theater

in Evansburg, he used to come up

to the house and see me every night.

CHIP: Who's Jack Benny?

ROBBIE: I bet you don't know George Gobel

well enough to invite him out to the house.

I'll bet I do.

Who's George Gobel?

Boy, are we in luck.

"Luck"? Bub, who's George Gobel?

Well, sure. He's in town tonight.

Look, "Welcome Lonesome George."

He is? Who's George Gobel?

He's on TV too late for you,

but Bub's going to bring him right out to the house.

How about that? A television personality.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Your, your dad isn't even home.

And he won't be for two or three days.

Here it comes.

And I just don't think it's right to have

a bunch of movie stars cluttering up the house

while Steve's away.

See? I knew he'd back out.

I'm not backing out. Oh, no, that's all right, Bub.

It's all right. It's okay.

Boy, will I ever take a beating from Fizzy McNaulty.

I don't even know what hotel he's stopping at.

The Grand Hotel. I'll get the car keys.

I'm in the garage! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute! (door closes)

Michael O'Casey, you let those mugs mousetrap you again.

(bell chimes)

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, I got his address.

Oh!

Mr. Gobel?

Ken Munroe,

public relations VP for the hotel.

Production coordinator in charge of the benefit tomorrow night.

Can I do anything for you between now and showtime?

Well, uh... no.

No, I'm just, uh... (elevator bell dings)

I'm just going to do the show tomorrow night.

Oh, then you have no other plans?

Uh, no, not really. Well, then I'm sure you won't mind

if we filled in some of your time for you.

I know how boring it is with nothing to do

in a strange town.

First there's an interview for the local paper.

I'm afraid that's a must.

Oh... well, I'd kind of planned on taking in a movie.

Oh, that would conflict with the Lenny Penny Show.

It would?

It's a local radio show

that originates live from our lounge.

It's ad-libbed interviews, that sort of thing.

You'll love Lenny and Penny.

Actually, their names are Fred and Irma,

but you know show business.

Oh, yeah, I know show business.

I know, that is, I thought I knew show business,

but now I don't know, uh...

Oh, then tomorrow morning, I've, uh, set up

an appointment at 9:00 for pictures,

George Gobel signing at the Grand Hotel,

George Gobel enjoying a delicious turkey sandwich

at the popular Purple Room

of the Grand Hotel. "Purple Room"?

Oh, now, mustn't keep the press waiting. No.

Oh, after the interview,

I'd like you to meet my mother-in-law

and a few of her friends.

Great gals. You'll get a kick out of them.

A million laughs.

Oh, Keith, Keith Dinsmore.

How do you do, Keith? Glad to see you.

Keith, I don't have to tell you who this is.

No, how do you do, Mr. Gobel?

Okay, Keith, you can shoot.

We haven't got much time.

Mr. Gobel is terribly busy.

And he'll be appearing tonight

on the Lenny Penny Show which originates live

from the sumptuous Starlet Room of the Grand Hotel.

Are you going to stay long, Mr. Gobel?

No. Mr. Gobel will be checking out

after tomorrow night's show.

Any of your family with you, Mr. Gobel?

No, he's alone this time.

How many children do you have?

Mr. Gobel and his Alice have

three children: two boys and a girl.

Oh, I see.

Fine, what are their names?

Oh, no, no, uh... No, two girls and a boy.

That's right. Yeah, he's right.

Do you happen to have

a family picture with you, Mr. Gobel?

Yes, as a matter of fact I do. I just, uh,

uh... Why don't you just show him yours?

Yours is probably a later shot, anyway?

Oh, well, this must be Greg.

Yes, and this would be Alice.

Now the two girls... Pete! Pete Lawrence.

How are you, Pete?

How are you getting along in your work?

I wasn't quite sure you'd remember me.

Old Pete worried about me not knowing him.

Come on up to the house, will you, George?

I would love to come up to the house. Good.

Let's call your wife first, so she... My wife?

Yeah, your wife. My wife?

Mr. Gobel, I haven't got the girls' names.

I haven't got the girls' names.

(overlapping chatter)

before the show begins.

Could you hold that, please?

I'm sorry, buddy.

You must think I'm completely unglued.

No, but you must have an awful good reason

for making this phone call.

No, it's not that.

It's that big joker out there.

He's got me on exhibit. Oh.

I feel like a... like an animal in the zoo.

Look, buddy, I-I'm sorry I got you

into this whole thing, but I'll tell you what.

If you'll just go along with me for a few minutes see,

till we get outside, then I can go to my movie,

and you can go on your way.

Well, Mother Spencer, you wanted to see George Gobel.

There he is.

MOTHER SPENCER: Kenneth, this is no better than watching him on television.

WOMAN: It's worse!

There's no sound.

Do you think you should call the fire department

or something?

MUNROE: Mr. Gobel? Mr. Gobel!

WOMAN #3: My, his eyes are set close together.

WOMAN #2: And such a low forehead.

Poor thing has a button off his sleeve.

Oh, you're going to like the boys.

Oh, I know I will, but just remember,

treat me like one of the family.

I don't want anything special for me.

No, don't you worry. You're going to have to fight

just as hard for your food as anybody else.

(indistinct chatter)

You ready? Ready.

Geronimo.

(all clamoring)

MAN: Where'd he go? MAN #2: Where'd he go?

That was fine blocking.

Yeah, we've got to run for it.

Oh, here you are.

Just a minute!

Just don't stare at him

like he was some animal in a zoo.

Who's George Gobel?

Make him feel at home.

But don't talk to him.

How's he going to feel at home if we don't talk to him?

Who's George Gobel?

Here he comes. Shh!

Now just act casual.

Robbie, stand over here and wipe the smile off your face.

Stand up, Mike.

You get out of here. Now get out of here.

The idea...

Oh, uh, you said I could help myself to the clothes.

Oh, good evening, George.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Gobel.

Howdy, Mr. Gobel.

Good evening, Mr. Gobble.

Gobel. Gobel.

Uh, good evening, gentlemen.

I forgot, uh... would you excuse me?

Uh, I mean, excuse me.

Come on now. Just relax, be natural.

BUB: You're all nice kids,

and he'll like you.

Oh, there you are, George.

I want you to meet the boys.

These are my three grandsons:

Mike, Robbie and Chip.

Chip. Mike.

Oh, uh, Chip?

Robbie.

Chip. Chip.

Hi, Chip.

Now, I want you to just, you know, be natural.

You know, no, nothing fancy or anything like that.

Just go on about your business

as though I weren't even here.

Now, you see, fellas, Mr. Gobel

doesn't want you to bother him.

No, no, I mean, uh...

I just want everybody to relax.

Right. So you see, you fellas can, uh,

stand around wherever you like.

George, you can sit right here in the living room.

Why, thank you.

You can read the paper, if you like.

Oh, excuse me.

(Bub clears throat)

(boys clamoring)

Hold it now, fellas, hold it.

One at a time. Mike.

How'd you get into show business, Mr. Gobel?

BUB: Singing on the radio.

That's where I met him.

After that, he drifted into nightclubs

and television and pictures.

Robbie?

Is your wife an actress?

Her name is Alice, and she's not in the business.

They've got three kids:

two girls and a boy.

Chip?

Well, come on, don't keep Mr. Gobel waiting.

Are you on TV?

BUB: Why, of course he's on TV.

CHIP: I mean, have you ever been on Disneyland?

(chuckling): No, I'm afraid not.

Well, come on, fellas, we can't pester

Mr. Gobel any longer; I'm afraid he's

getting tired. No, no, that's all right.

It doesn't bother me at all.

See what a good sport he is?

Well, it's time for these lads to be in bed, George.

Now, come on, upstairs all of you.

Come on. It's way after your bedtime, Chip.

Good night, Mr. Gobel. Good night, Mr. Gobel.

Upstairs, away you go. Good night, fellas.

If you want to raid the refrigerator, George,

that's what it's there for. Okay.

And here's a clean pair of Steve's pajamas for you.

Okay. Thank you.

See you in the morning. Good night.

Good night.

Go on to bed, all of you now!

Hurry up! Big day tomorrow.

What do you do on TV?

Oh, I sing a little bit and play guitar

and tell some funny little stories.

Will you tell me one?

Yeah, I think I can think of one.

Let's see now...

BUB: Come on, you guys, hit the sack. On the double!

Once upon a time, there was a, a wandering troubadour,

and he visited a certain castle

to entertain the townspeople.

And at the same castle there was an evil sorcerer named Munroe.

And you know what he was going to do?

Throw him to the alligators?

Worse than that.

He was going to lock him in the Purple Room

with Lenny and Penny.

And you know what else he was going to do?

What? He was going to feed him

to Mother Spencer and her evil handmaidens.

Jeepers, what did he do?

Well, fortunately, and as luck would have it,

a friendly woodman happened by and spirited him away

to his cottage in a forest clearing.

And just as the troubadour got to figuring

that he was going to live happily ever after,

who do you think the woodman turned into?

Munroe.

That's exactly right.

BUB: Chip?

Storming into the room, he said...

I thought I told you to go to bed... now get going.

But, Bub, I want to talk to Mr. Gobel. Said Chip.

Now, look here, Chip.

Said Munroe, flaring his nostrils.

Didn't I tell you not to pester Mr. Gobel?

But, Bub... He protested.

Please? He pleaded.

No, now get to bed.

Get to bed!

Rushing to the rescue, the troubadour said...

I'm sorry about that, George,

but it won't happen again.

Interrupted the villain.

And then, snatching the little boy by the arm,

he swept him up the staircase into his cell.

CHIP: Good night, Mr. Gobel.

Echoed the child's pathetic little voice

from the emptiness above.

The troubadour sighed.

(sighs)

And ever after that, he was known as...

Lonesome George.

Well, it sure beats being all alone in the hotel room.

(sighs)

(bed creaking)

♪ ♪

(glass clanging)

(door opening)

Huh... funny Bub left the light on.

Man, that bed's going to feel good.

(footsteps)

Every time I go out of town, the place has gone to pot.

Somebody could at least make my bed.

I have to come down and get clean pajamas.

Lights on all over the house.

Milk left out.

(sniffs)

Well, that's what I get

for not telling them I was coming home early.

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(sighs)

Bub, you're the one

that's been wandering around all night long.

I thought I was coming unglued.

Now, look, Robbie, for the last time, get to bed.

I'm not Robbie, I'm George.

Now, don't give me that.

You didn't have to come down here

for a glass of water.

It's George, Bub.

No excuse, no excuse.

You're not the only one in this house, you know?

Every time your father leaves town,

you fellas try to get away with murder.

I don't know what to do with you.

I've got to figure out something...

Good night, Bub.

Imagine that, he's walking and talking in his sleep.

That's pretty good.

Maybe now I can get a little shut-eye.

Try up again.

Taking both of them.

Bed.

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

I don't know why they can't turn these lights out.

(sighs)

Never put a cap back on.

(brushing, water running)

(Steve clearing throat)

(Steve gargling)

Oh.

Thought I left the light on.

Guess I didn't.

Now, they weren't there when I looked

for them a minute ago.

Ah, maybe they were.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs loudly)

I don't believe we've met.

(water running)

GOBEL: Well, I'll tell you, this beats staying

at the fabulous Grand Hotel.

This is really living.

You know, you have to fight for everything you get.

Hey, Steve, old buddy, I'm sure glad

you straightened your family out

on the care and feeding of television performers.

Did you know they were going to serve me eggs Benedict

in bed this morning?

That would've been pretty sloppy.

I'm not a breakfast-in-bedder.

I'm a fighter- over-the-kitchen-tabler.

You know, and that flipping the coin

for the bed last night,

that was a pretty shrewd move, too, there.

That way, we each got a bed for ourselves. (chuckles)

You know, Chip's bed is pretty comfortable

once you get used to the rock collection

and all the marbles.

Well, I'll be doggoned.

This is the way me and Alice

had our wedding picture taken.

(Steve chuckles)

Only, I wasn't all lathered up.

She wasn't, neither.

And it was before you had even entered the picture.

Mike, I warned you to get out of there.

Now I'm going to blast you!

MIKE: Robbie... (trumpet playing)

Robbie, hey, knock it off!

Who do you think you are, Miles Davis?

BUB: Will you stop tooting that?!

Boy, this is really living, you know it?

Just like home.

My goodness, Steve, this place looks...

(trumpet playing resumes)

Cut it out!

Mike, get out, will you?

What have you been doing,

making mud pies up here?

It looks like a pigsty!

Get him, Mike!