Original subtitles

(theme song plays)

(utensils lightly clanking)

Uh, very tasty soup, Bub.

The, uh, nice thing about thin soup like this

is it's not too filling.

I mean, uh, it sort of whets your appetite

for the rest of the dinner.

(chuckles)

What rest of the...? Shh... What's that?

Nothing.

Okay, that does it.

Now get to your homework.

Never mind the dishes.

I'll take care of 'em.

What do you mean "that does it"?

Is this all we're getting for dinner?

(stammers, chuckles)

Are we on some kind of a diet or something?

No, that's just Bub's corny way of telling us we're out of food.

Out of food?

Yeah, Bub's all shook up b... Chip.

You're darn right

I'm all shook up. Look, Dad, I tried to explain to Bub...

I don't mind doing the cooking, scrubbing...

that I have a few obligations of my own.

And the housework around here...

I mean, I can't spend all day, every day...

but when it comes to running the errands

and buying the groceries... hauling him around town.

I think it's only fair...

It's not fair, Dad. That I have a little help.

Let's... now, just a minute, just a minute.

Mike promised Bub to pick him up after school and...

I did not promise. Look here, young man, when we want your two cents

we'll let you know. I said if I could I would,

but I certainly didn't promise.

You've already done plenty around here today. Why don't you butt out anyway?

All right, let's not argue.

It's not good on an empty stomach.

Mike promised.

Now, it seems fantastic, but I gather we're out of food,

and all because Mike,

for apparently good reasons, has upset Bub...

And justifiably so... by not taking him shopping today.

Correct?

Today, yesterday and the day before that.

Well, it's not my fault, Dad.

So darned many unexpected things came up at school.

Unexpected is right.

Rally Day, Post-Rally Day, Pre-Rally Day.

I've had my fill of senior activities.

I'm fed up.

I wish I were.

Well, it seems we do have a little problem.

Mike has some obligations to meet

and Bub has a few things to pick up downtown.

A few things?

Laundry, cleaning, groceries,

and I was supposed to pick up the lawnmower

about a week ago.

How am I going to get all those things

in that sawed-off little jalopy of his?

It's not sawed-off, it's cut-down.

Well, sawed-off or cut-down,

I'm sure it'll hold all the things you have to pick up, Bub.

It has a big trunk in the back.

Are you kidding?

That trunk's been rusted shut for years.

It isn't rusted, it's locked.

Oh, Mike, unlock it.

Well, I, I lost the key.

I'm getting hungrier every minute.

See?

Well, all we have to do is make a slight adjustment.

We? Dad.

Don't ask me to adjust.

I've adjusted myself right out of food.

Now, Bub, don't be inflexible.

Healthy living is simply an...

ALL: Endless series of small adjustments.

That's right. Phooey.

Dad. Just a minute, Chip.

I'm starving... starving to death.

STEVE: All right, here's the solution.

Mike, tomorrow you drive the station wagon to school

and arrange your schedule so that you can take

your granddad shopping in the afternoon. Okay?

Okay.

Dad? Are you going to take the bus?

No, no, I'm not proud; I'll drive your car.

Now, what do you say we all adjust ourselves

to a big hamburger down at Freddie's Drive-In?

Yow-ee!

Dad!

Oh, I'm sorry, Chip, what is it?

I forget.

Come on, get your coat.

Ooh...

Whoa! Watch, hey, whoa, get in there.

Now, personally, Douglas,

I'm convinced that you're the right man.

You're a clear thinker, sharp eye for detail,

and not likely to get bogged down by government red tape.

Thank you, sir.

I'm sure I had it.

I couldn't have gotten in without it, could I?

(chuckles)

Here it is.

Good.

Figured you were the right man.

Thank you.

Shall we take your car?

Oh, certainly, General.

Oh, I, uh, I forgot.

We've had a little transportation mix-up

at the house and I'm driving my son's car.

I don't think we...

Are you apologizing, Douglas?

Well, no, sir, it isn't that, it's just that... Well, adjust to it.

Can't be inflexible, you know.

I know, sir.

BOTH: Life is just a series of...

Small adjustments.

Come on, Johnson, no time for that.

May I have your identification, please?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Well, here we are.

Thanks, Douglas.

Ah, look out.

(horn wolf whistles)

(chuckling nervously): I'm sorry, General, I didn't know...

Uh, come on, Johnson, let's get out.

Well, see you at your house for dinner tonight.

Fine, General, about 6:30 sharp.

Good. I'm looking forward

to a good home-cooked dinner for a change.

Good... here... can I help? Come on, Johnson.

I guess I can't.

Maybe you'd better get out this side.

Yes.

(chuckles)

At this rate, we may have to have dinner in the car.

Yes.

Uh, hold it.

Lean forward, Johnson.

(grunts)

Oh, that's clear thinking, General. Yes.

Certainly makes it more comfortable, doesn't it?

Yes, well, thanks for the ride.

You're perfectly welcome, sir.

See you at 6:30.

All right.

We'll be ready and waiting, General.

You sure I can't pick you up someplace?

No, thanks, I'll take a cab.

(clutch grinds loudly)

(backfires)

(backfiring)

Good man, Douglas.

Used to be a fine pilot.

Funny, some men just never adjust to civilian life.

Come on, Johnson.

(engine sputtering loudly)

Where's Dad?

What?

Where's Dad?

Yeah, it sounds pretty bad.

I wonder how he's doing with my rod.

Maybe it's a loose gasket.

What?

Gasket.

Yeah, I just filled it up.

Okay, you fellas.

Robbie, shut that thing off. (backfires)

Your dad just called and he says

there's a two-star general coming to dinner tonight.

(backfires)

Robbie, turn that darn thing off.

I know, it doesn't sound very good, does it?

Ah... Mike, come here, you have to hurry.

He wants you to meet him at the McKinley bus stop at 6:00.

Bus stop? What'd he do to my car?

(backfiring)

Robbie, turn that thing off.

Well, uh, there's some kind of adjustment to be made.

He'll explain it to you when you pick him up.

Robbie. Oh, that's tough to take.

Huh?

I said, "That's tough to take."

Why? He's ridden the bus before.

No, I mean about my car.

(groans)

(backfires)

Hey, you cut off the gas.

Yes, and I'll shut off your gas

if you don't get in the house.

There's a two-star general coming to dinner tonight.

(backfiring) Now get in there.

Wow, why didn't you say so?

Well, I was just too shy to mention it.

Now get in there.

Will you dry up?

(sputtering stops)

(backfires, hisses)

(mouthing)

Garfield... Garfield next.

Accidents, murders

and platinum-haired hotsy totsies.

I beg your pardon?

Same thing every day.

Oh, yeah.

Haven't read a newspaper in ten years.

How'd the Yankees make out?

Oh, they won three to two.

What's news about that?

Call theirselves newspapers.

I like history myself.

How about you?

Yeah, yeah, history's fine.

History is like life.

Always thought I'd write a history

of my life someday.

That'd make real interesting reading

for people, wouldn't it?

Well, I guess that'd depend

on what kind of life you've had.

I'm glad you asked me that.

We was all born in a town upstate called Rockfield.

There were me and my four brothers and five sisters.

Things happened sometimes, once in awhile.

Think that'd make an interesting beginning to the story?

Yeah, that... that would be fine.

Just to give you an idea what it was like,

when the chores was done

and we weren't too tuckered out,

why, we'd all of us...

well, no, not all of us, because...

(rock 'n' roll music playing over stereo)

Wasn't that something?

Mm-hm.

And freckles to match.

Never seen so many freckles

on one kid in my whole life.

DRIVER: Cleveland... Cleveland next.

More freckles than a dog has fleas. Yeah.

Of course, that was Eulalia's boy.

You remember me telling you about Eulalia?

Oh, yeah, yeah, she was, uh,

Uncle Rice's niece. Yup.

On your mother's side.

Played the ukulele. Banjo.

Banjo.

Red-haired, freckle-faced

and a temper to match.

So ornery, no use dickering with him.

What do you think of that?

Never forget the day when we was down chopping weeds

over by where the dead cottonwoods used to be.

Uh, McKinley... McKinley next.

(rock 'n' roll music playing over stereo)

I took that old saw blade

and fastened it onto that old hoe handle

with a piece of rusty bailing wire.

Come pruning time, it was just about

as handy as a pocket on a shirt. DRIVER: Taft Street.

Course, probably my book wouldn't sell so good.

It ain't gonna be filled with all kinds

of murdering, women screaming

and science friction and all.

Oh, here's my stop.

Well, enjoyed talking to you.

Mm...

That's another thing that's wrong

with newspapers nowadays.

People don't take the time

to talk to one another. Mm-hmm, that's right.

The bus went right by and didn't even stop.

What do you think happened, Bub?

I don't know,

but your Dad will probably be on the next one.

He better be, anyway,

because the general's due here pretty soon.

Well, maybe he decided to take a cab.

Well, do you think I ought to come home?

Nope, stay where you are.

He'll be along pretty quick.

Mm... (sighs)

Harding.

Harding?

What happened to McKinley?

He was assassinated.

I mean the street!

Oh, we passed that about ten minutes ago.

Oh, my gosh, I slept through my stop.

Let me off.

Hoover... Hoover next.

(rock 'n' roll music playing over stereo)

Hey.

What the heck?

Ja. Well, I... I wonder if I could use your phone.

I've had a little trouble... Oh, yeah, come in.

Oh, come in, my friends, come in.

I better go next... Come in.

I'll go... I'll go next door.

Come in.

(all talking at once)

(busy signal)

Darned Robbie, always on the phone when I need it!

Steve?

Where in tarnation are you?

Well, never mind that, Bub, is General Heffler there yet?

No, according to the kitchen clock,

he's got 15 minutes, unless he's late.

General Heffler is never late, Bub.

Now, when he gets there... You reach your wife, ja?

Uh, yes, yes... uh, no, I...

I mean, I'm not married.

Uh, Bub, where's Mike?

Not married?

Hedwig, Hedwig, some punch for our unmarried guest!

Yeah, I got a little nervous and I took the bus and, uh...

maybe I better call a cab.

No, no, no, Mike will be calling me back any minute.

I'll have him pick you up.

Okay, I'm at, uh...

What... what is the address here?

4201 Hoover.

4201 Hoover.

Yeah, it's a white house, and it's right on the corner.

Hedwig, Hedwig, my older daughter.

Beautiful girl, ja?

Yes, very pretty.

(laughing) Um... Only 35.

Bub, uh, I'll be waiting outside.

Hedwig is not married also.

(stammering)

Oh. Hedwig makes it herself.

Thank you very much.

Bub, are you still there?

Yeah, what's going on?

Sounds like you're having a party.

(busy signal)

Robbie, you big bag of wind!

I'll try you once more in a few minutes,

and then I'm going home.

And, Bub, if, uh, General Heffler

gets there before I do, for Pete's sake, be careful

what you say to him, will you?

Strong... good cook, too. No, no, no.

No, no, I didn't meant that, I... Makes all her own clothes.

No, I just want you to remember that contract he has

in his pockets is our food for the next three months.

Yeah... okay, good-bye.

Fine young girl.

Sings, plays the tuba...

Well, not at the same time, I bet.

Do you like bowling?

Well, yes, yes, I, uh, I like to bowl, but...

Ja, Hedwig bowl 180.

180... that's very good for a girl. And she loves children, too.

I'll bet she does. Uh, maybe next time,

you and Hedwig go bowling, ja?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Ja.

I-I mean, I'm sure she'll make somebody

a wonderful wife... Thank you very much.

You're welcome. Uh, don't you like it?

Oh, I'm sure it's very good, but I-I-I'm in a hurry.

Thanks for letting me use the phone. She has good sense of humor.

I can see that.

And her very own checking account, too!

Boy, this just isn't my day.

General Heffler's probably ringing the doorbell right now,

and here I stand.

Course, I know Bub and the boys will treat him

as a general should be treated... I hope.

(doorbell ringing)

CHIP: I'll get it.

(door opening) Hey, Bub,

there's a big clunky guy here to see Dad.

My name is Heffler, Major General,

United States Air Force.

BUB: Oh, yeah, come on in, Sarge.

General.

(door closing)

CHIP: You gonna give my Dad that important contract, mister?

General!

BUB: Steve just called.

Sounded like he was at a party

on the other side of town, Sarge.

I am not a sergeant, and I am not a mister!

I am an important general who is not going

to give your father an important contract!

Contract, contract, contract...

(horn honking)

Are you getting on, or aren't you?

Oh, I'm sorry you stopped, I...

I'm just waiting for my boy... He's going to pick me up...

unless something else has gone wrong.

Okay, but if he's like my kid brother,

you may be standing there all night.

Yeah.

Hey.

You, uh... you talked me into it.

Huh.

Boy, the characters you meet driving a bus.

You know, I could write a book about it.

Be darned interesting, too.

Why, just the other day,

this blonde got on my bus...

That's funny.

I'm sure Bub said he'd be standing right on the corner.

Not there?

Well, listen, Mike, I just talked to him.

Are you sure you're at 42nd and Hoover?

Sure, I'm sure.

Mr. Swenson said Dad just left here.

Who?

Swenson... I'm calling from his house.

Maybe you hungry, ja?

Uh, well, yeah, thanks.

Bub, what do I do now?

Uh, Thea, Thea, bring the tray

for this nice, good looking young man.

Beautiful girl, ja?

My youngest.

How do you do?

Bub, are you there?

Very fine anchovies Olga.

Thea makes it herself.

Thanks.

And such a good cook, that girl.

At her age, too.

Mmm.

You like her, ja?

Bub!

Bub?

Hello, Mike?

I'm sorry, but my butterfly rolls were burning.

Yes.

Jeepers, Bub, when's that general getting here?

Between this darned tie and the hunger pangs,

I'm about gone. Serves you right.

Mike, you stay right where you are,

and I'll call you back.

Okay, Bub.

You like to dance?

It's harmony, six five, four,

three, seven. Three, seven.

Thea, come show this nice,

good looking young man the polka.

And make it quick, will you, Bub?

Yes, sir, I'll get right on it.

Good-bye.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, my gosh, the general.

You stay here; I got a job for you.

Chip, the door!

Bub, can't I eat first?

No... Chip, get the door! CHIP: I'm coming.

Now, you hightail it down

to the McKinley Street bus stop...

CHIP: Hey, Bub!

There's a big guy here

in a clunky uniform to see Dad.

You sore or something, Dad?

No, no, no, just thinking.

Well, I sure am.

Am what? I mean, are what?

Sore.

This darned crossbar sure isn't built for comfort.

(chuckling): Oh.

Well, stay with it.

We've only got a couple more blocks.

Hey, Robbie...

read this telegram again, will you?

Boy, you should have seen the look

on Bub's face when the big guy in the clunky uniform

turned out to be a telegraph boy.

(laughing)

"Cancel dinner plans.

"Called back to Washington.

"Will tell you about project tomorrow...

"if your phone is not busy.

"Signed G.A. Heffler, Major General,

United States Air Force."

Whoa.

Well, there I was,

getting all lathered up over nothing.

Hey, uh, I wonder what happened to Mike.

(polka music playing)

(festive murmuring, clapping)

♪ ♪

You know, Robbie,

I bet we've got the only house in America

where you can wake up in the morning

and not possibly imagine what's going

to happen to you before you go to bed at night.

(chuckling)

(dogs barking)

Go on... get! Get out of here.

Go home!

(barking continues)