All language subtitles for Mr.Saturday.Night.1992.480p.BluRay.AAC.x264-HANDJOB.en

My mother was
trying to kill us...

With fat.

With fat?

Oh, sure, I mean,
with that food.

I mean, this is way
before cholesterol

and that whole bit.
You know, I mean,

7-year-olds were
having heart attacks.

See, but you ate it
because she said

the same thing to
you every meal...

"Clean your plate.

"Children in Europe
are starving.

"Eat everything.

"Children in Europe
are starving," right?

So, I go to Europe
for the first time.

You know what I see?
Fat schlubs.

Everybody...
Big beasts waddling,

eating everything,
with an accent.

I mean, I forget...
I never believed my mother

from that day on,
I'll tell you.

But the food was
sensational, right? I mean...

But you didn't even call it
by it's name, the food.

You called it by what
it did to your body.

I don't get you.
Well, you say, "hey, ma,

"pass me some of that
burning sensation

"I'm having in my colon."

You know, it's funny

because a lot of
the comedians that
I've interviewed,

their humor
centers around food,

around the family
dining room table.

Well, yeah, sure.
That's because

most of their families
came from Russia,

see? And in Russia,
they had no food.

I mean, sand
was a beverage.

I mean, like,
in my family,

my uncle schmuclich,
when he came here

and saw a supermarket
for the first time,

he proposed to a brisket.

Well, there was
talk he had to.

See, but for me, my
family was like, uh,

dances with Jews.

Oh, sure,

we had names
for our relatives,

like they had
in that movie.

What do you mean?

Well, we had "eats
with his hands,"

"spits
when he talks,"

"makes noise
when he bends,"

"sweats like a pig,"

"whines
in the can..."

Ok.

"Never buys retail,"

"shaves his back."

Now, were you
always funny?

Compared
to you, yes.

Let me give you
a fashion tip.

The pants go
on the bottom.

Where's my drummer?
Ba dum-da.

Now, so... so you got your
humor from the family?

Oh, yeah. My father had
a great sense of humor.

He died when
we were kids.

He was always
doin' stuff like that.

What a kidder.

No, no, no. Who was
your biggest influence?

All of them.
The entire herd.

They were
a joyous people.

See, they
spoke yiddish,

which is a language of
coughing and spitting.

So until I was 15,
i lived in a raincoat.

When did you
start performing?

After dinner.

Oh, sure,
after all the food

in the entire world
had been eaten,

the tow trucks would come
and take the relatives

into the living room,

and that meant
it was showtime.

My brother Stan and I

would perform
for the relatives.

We loved to
make them laugh,

and that's where
it started for me.

And who would think,

that from that living room
in Brooklyn in the '30s,

to CBS in 1956,

and I would have
my own television show?

I mean, it's
incredible to...

Excuse me.

That was something
i ate as a child.

Oh, sure, I mean,
i remember...

The Coleman comedy hour

is on the air.

Starring...

Buddy young, Jr.

♪ Buddy ♪

♪ buddy ♪

♪ we hope we'll have
a buddy you can muster ♪

2 minutes!

2 minutes to
introduce buddy!

Damn it!

Move that
damn horse!

What the hell
is this?

Come on!

Buddy doesn't want to do that,
ok? He doesn't want to do that.

Stan!
Hold it a second.

So make sure the cue
cards get the change.

Get him the other jacket from
rehearsal 'cause it's funnier. Go.

How can a jacket
be funny?

How can you be
unemployed? Go! What?

Where's buddy?
What?

I got less
than 2 minutes!

Oh, Jesus.

Cue announcer!

Tonight, join buddy
and his guests,

Patti page...

Hi, Stan!

Hoagy Carmichael,

and the krolpaynter
jugglers.

Buddy!

Buddy...

Stan!

You've got
one minute!

Oh, Jesus!
See you later!

Bye, buddy.

What the hell are
you doing in there?

I was workin' on
the opening monologue.

What? In the girls'
chorus room?

Yeah!
Come on!

No, they loved it.

They're smart.
Two want to direct.

The time, buddy.

My brother,
the maniac.

Stan, you worry
too much.

Excuse me. It
just came to me.

I'm gonna kill 'em!
It won't even be fair!

Hey, buddy!

What? You want
a picture? Ok.

Not now.
Now!

Hey!

Ok.

Sorry.
How are you?

Special appearance
by Mickey mantle.

Hello, everybody!

Hi, daddy!

Susan, where's
that double take?

Mmm.

Needs work.

Hi! Where
you been?

I was workin' on the
opening monologue.

It's gonna be great.
Hello, mama!

Here, hip,
hip, hip.

You look great.

Thanks. Gotta go.

Gotta go be famous.
See ya, see ya.

Bye, kid.
Keep smilin'.

Bye, ma. Ma, ma,
no, ma. Ma, no. Ma.

Not now, mom.

Makeup!

♪ Just sit back with
your favorite squaw ♪

♪ and a big chief
cigarette ♪

I got it! I got it!
Stan, it's me.

Here, put on
this jacket!

This isn't
the right one!

This is a funnier
jacket. Put it on.

♪ Buddy ♪

♪ he's the funniest
paleface on TV ♪

it don't fit!
It don't fit!

What did you do?
What did you do?

Nothing.
It's not the same.

What did you do
with the... with the...

See what I did?
Huh? Huh?

Thank you.

Fasten your seat belts,

put on your
crash helmets...

Because here he comes...

Is he gonna say, "America's
favorite new funnyman?"

No.
Stan...

Mr. Saturday night!

Better.

Thank you.

Hurt them.

La, la, la, la, la, la.

Get outta here.

Buddy young, Jr.

♪

Look at daddy,
uncle Stan.

What's the matter,
buddy? Having a bad day?

A bad day?

Don't get me started!

Ah, don't get me started
on today, I'll tell you this.

Actually, it started
last night, folks.

I had a little fight
with my wife.

Nothing serious.
3 police cars.

Mommy,
is this true?

No, honey.
It's just a joke.

Ok.

I'm gonna tell you folks
what really happened

because we're
friends now.

Last night,
i come home,

I found my wife
smooching and kissing

with my best friend.

Ooh!

Yeah. So I said,
"Lenny, I have to.

"But you?"

Mommy,
is this true?

No. It's just
a joke, honey.

Ok.

And my daughter's
no genius, either.

Oh, don't get me
started on her.

It's just a
joke, honey.

It's just a joke.

Yeah, she's 6.

She'll be 7
if I let her.

Every morning
when she gets up,

"daddy, I got
a headache."

It drives me crazy.

"Daddy, I got
a headache."

So I said, "look,
when you get out of bed,

"it's feet first."

See, then the show
just went on from there.

You know, that
was a great night.

That was in 19...
Ba-ba-ba-boom.

I'll tell you
that right now.

No, that was
the night

that the network called
me "Mr. Saturday night."

Yeah, and you were
on for how long?

An hour. And
then gunsmoke...

Now, how do you
like t.V. Today?

Terrible. Because my
reception is so bad...

I had that cable guy
with the belt cleavage

come over and
give me a snowstorm

on every channel.

10 minutes, buddy.

Ok, good.

Oh, i-I'm sorry, i
should get out of here.

You've got a show to do.
Ok.

Ok. Nice
meeting you.

Pleasure
to meet you.

Ok.
Ok. Bye-bye.

Remember,
feet first.

Ok.

How's the crowd?

Comin' in.

Great.

Jesus Christ, Stan.

What is this, a
civil war reunion?

They're a
little older.

A little older?

These people built
the pyramids.

You said there'd
be singles.

A lot of them
are single.

Yeah, because whoever
they were with is dead.

What are you complainin'?
It's jammed up.

Yeah? So's my ass.

You booked me
into a condominium,

for Christ's sake.

Gotta be wearin'
a tuxedo

at 1:00 in the
goddamn afternoon.

Comedy's a nighttime
thing, Stan.

You can't be funny
Durin' the day.

There are no dayclubs,
there are nightclubs.

They're not funny
on the today show,

they're funny
on the tonight show.

So work slowly.
It'll be nighttime.

Buddy, you do
the bakery bit.

They'll pee
in their pants.

They're doin' that anyway.
What the hell do they need me for?

Now, listen
to me, buddy,

don't... don't get
nasty out there.

All right?
Not this time.

These are... these are
nice old people.

Stan, I'm shocked.

Do you think that
i would honestly

go out there, huh,

and... and insult
these people, huh?

Do you honestly think

that I would walk
out there and say,

"good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

"so what's it like
to outlive your kids?"

I wouldn't
say that, Stan.

I wouldn't say,
"excuse me, ma'am,

"Moses called. He said
you're a great fuck."

Come on, Stan,
i wouldn't say that.

I wouldn't
do that to you.

You gotta have a little
faith in people.

Ok. I was
just checkin'.

Yeah. Good.

Thanks.

Stan, would you get me
my soda, please?

Uh-huh.

And, uh, you know,
leave me alone

for, uh, the rest
of your life?

I'm just kidding.

Did you see
what I did there?

Yeah.

Put on this jacket.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Hey, Stan, you ok?

Yeah. Sure.

Hurt them.

La, la, la, la.

Guys, how many of you
still have your prostates?

How many?

Not you, lady.

Unbelievable.

Nah. I'm just kiddin'.

You're a good sport.

By the way,
Moses called...

That big fat woman
in the front,

that big tub there

that looked like she
had her own climate...

Buddy, enough
already, ok?

Couldn't get her to laugh,
couldn't budge her,

couldn't even
get her to smile.

She had had
a stroke.

Then what is she
doing in the front?

Don't come out.
Stay home.

Have a sponge bath.

Have somebody
read to you.

But no, I get
tubs 'r' us.

How did she get in
the front row, anyway?

Are you screwin' her?

Come on, let's get
somethin' to eat,

for Christ's sake.

Oh, boy.

Oh.

I ate too much.

I'm gonna go home
and shit a waiter.

"Shit a waiter."

So, how long
have you been working

on this Marcel marceau
imitation? It's very good.

Come on, what's
with you today?

Buddy, I, uh...

I got some bad news.

What is it? Mom?

No. She's the same.

Oh, Susan then.
She's in trouble again?

No, no.
You know, that kid...

We lost the cruise.

The ship,
the whole thing?

That was my winter.

It was
2 months' booking.

I know. I... I... I didn't
wanna tell you

before you had
to do a show.

What happened?

Well, they told me
they've been getting

a lot of younger
people, and...

They wanted a
younger comedian.

Boy, oh, boy.

Huh?

That was my winter.

That was my nuts
and berries, you know.

For Christ's sakes.

So, what else we got cookin'?
How about the poconos?

There's all of those
hotels in there.

We could do a tour.

Listen, there's
somethin' else.

You're not gonna
like it.

It's bad
timing, and...

But I've been Thinkin'
about it, you know.

It's something
i gotta tell you

sooner or later.

Oh, boy,
listen to this setup!

Come on, Stan.
Cut to the punch line.

I'm retiring.

What are you
talkin' about?

I found a place
in Florida...

When? Today?

No, no. A couple
of weeks ago, you know,

when I thought that
you were set for the winter.

Why? Why would
you do this?

I... I'm tired.

I... I mean,
at least when...

When roz was alive,

I'd come off the road,

there'd be
someone there,

and now
there's no one.

Now there'll
still be no one,

and it's
gonna be humid.

Look, my kids
are down there,

people our age
are down there.

You know
i wanna paint.

So what
happens now?

Well, I... I buy
the place in Florida,

I... I ship
the furniture...

No, to me! To me!

What happens to me?

Huh?

I mean, how the hell
does this happen?

How does a brother
quit on a brother?

Buddy, I'm... I'm not
quitting on you.

I'm... I'm just
retiring.

I mean, I just want to live
however long I have left

the way i
wanna live it.

For god sakes,

we've been doin' this
since we were kids.

I think I gave it
a pretty good shot.

You deserve
a good shot,

leaving me when
I'm playing condos

in the goddamn
afternoon.

That's all
i could get.

Because you
don't push.

Because you never were
strong enough, Stan.

For Christ's sakes,

you let them
cancel my show

because you were afraid
to stand up to them.

They hated you.

They hated you. You...
you offended the whole country.

It was the same thing
with the Sullivan show.

Don't you ever mention
the Sullivan show.

I worked a year to
get you on that show.

Right. And look where
you let 'em put me.

♪ I wanna hold your hand ♪

You next?

Yeah.

Jesus.

What does
that mean?

So please welcome
buddy young, Jr.

What does that...

Go! Go! Go!

Ok.

Ok.

Knock it off.

You're excited?

I just bought
a house.

Where's Ringo?

Shut up.

Please.

Please, just look...

But what we need
is love today.

I love you, John! I love you!

And what I need
is a machete,

so I can come
down there

and cut your pimply
little heads off.

If I had your face,

I'd be screaming,
too, you poodle.

A year I waited
for this shot, ed,

and you put me on
after the Beatles?

There you go.

I can't believe this.

Come on.

Stop doing that.

Cue the band.

Cue the band.
Cue the band.

What are you
playing me off for, ed?

I got good
stuff here.

Hey, hey. Come on!
I got...

Hey, ed, you dead man in a suit!

Hey, get your hands off me,
you son of a bi...

That was
a chance for you,

but you did
what you always do...

You screwed it up

with nastiness,
and craziness,

and I'm supposed
to clean it up.

Well, I am tired
of being the guy

that follows the elephant
act with a shovel.

Don't flatter yourself.

Buddy... it's over.

Answer me
one question,

and be perfectly
honest with me.

What?
Am I still funny?

Oh, buddy, don't do...

No, no, no. 'Cause
i will trust your opinion.

If you say to me
that I'm not funny,

then I will also retire
tonight, right here.

I'll eat a goddamn
litchi nut and go to bed.

But if I am funny, then
you're a goddamn quitter,

and you're
letting me down.

Tell me, am I funny
or am I not funny?

Will you stop?
Am I funny or not?

Would you just
stop it already?

Tell me, am I...
You're not that funny!

Read your
fortune, Stan.

You know what? I'll
read it for you, huh?

"Get out of this
restaurant,

"you bald,
jealous fuck."

You know how many
agents, big shots,

begged with me, pleaded with
me, to let them represent me?

And I said, "no. I
can't leave my brother.

"I have to let him
drive my career

"completely
into the ground."

Buddy, you're
out of your mind.

You know what?
It's better this way.

I'll go with a big agency.
I'll have my career again.

So, good. So, what
do you want me to do?

So, get out of
here. So, go.

Go ahead. Go. Go!

You're
really going?

You see what
i did there?

Yeah.

I saw.

♪

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Uncle moe...

Uncle moe,
you look good. You...

You look like
New Jersey in pants.

Oh, Stan,
look what we did.

Now ma,
she's laughing.

You know
what that means.

The arms.
There go the arms.

Ok, ok, ok.

Ok.

Ok. Ok.

Ok.

Whew.

This is uncle moe

and uncle Julius

every morning
at the bakery.

We're killing 'em.

I know.
Just don't rush it.

Just watch me.

You... you ordered
too much!

No, you ordered
too little.

You ordered
too much.

You ordered
too little.

I don't do that!

Ptooey!

You're spitting
in the cookies!

It makes
them moist.

♪

This isn't gonna
work, abie.

This is not
the living room.

They don't know
uncle moe.

They don't
speak yiddish.

It's not gonna
be funny to them.

It is funny. We're
gonna make it funny.

No, we're leavin'.
We're going home.

What?

Stan!

Stan!

Stan!

We can't go. I already
changed our names.

What?
Yeah, yeah.

We're Stan
and buddy young.

See, yankelman
was too long...

What?

It's better.

No, look, you... we
don't belong here.

We're funny
at home.

You're frightened.

I can't believe
this! Stan...

Every night in bed,
this is all we talk about.

Look, I'm sorry.

Let's just go home.

Ok. Fine.

Go. Go home.
It's ok.

I'll do it.

What do you mean,
you'll do it?

I'm gonna
do the act.

It's our act.
It's for 2.

Who's gonna
do my parts?

I'll do both parts.

Abie.

Buddy.

You're gonna be
out there by yourself?

Yeah.

Well, then wear
the bigger jacket.

Why?

It's funnier.

Yeah? Ok.

You guys
ready?

Yeah.
Oh, wait, wait.

There's
a slight change.

It's not
the young brothers.

It's just
buddy young.

Junior.

It's better.

Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!

Let's hear it
for Alberto and lupe!

The fabulous tubmans!

Hey, I haven't seen
dancin' like that

since they
hung my brother.

Don't leave.

We're the same
blood type.

Hurt them.

Give a nice welcome
to a fabulous kid.

Very funny, we hope.

Here he is...

Mr. buddy young, Jr.

♪

We take you...

We take you now
to a, uh, a, uh...

The final scene
at the end

of the movie
king Kong,

where, uh, the
great ape is... is lying

at the base of
the empire state building,

and we turn to, uh,
to Karl denim.

Mr. denim,

was it the machine guns
that killed him?

Machine guns?

Feh!

You get it?

He was dying.

So are you!

Quiet. He's just a kid.

He stinks. He don't
belong up there.

Uh, who said that?

I did!

Sir, would you mind
standing up, please?

Please,
stand up, yes.

Thank you. Whoa!

Look at you.
You're New Jersey in pants.

Y-you know, I'd like
to show you something

that you probably haven't
seen in a very long time...

Your feet.

No, I'm kidding.
I kid the bloated. No.

No, but seriously,
seriously, though,

there are some things

that you should really
learn how to say...

Like...

"I'm full."

Thank you. No, please give
a round of applause

for our special guest,

the hindenburg.

Thank you.

You have no taste.

Let me tell you
about my uncles.

They own a bakery.

You probably
heard them.

Ptooey!

You're spitting
on the cookies.

It makes
them moist.

Don't get me
started on them!

Then, then there's
my aunt rose.

There's a beautiful lady.

She has her makeup
put on at the circus.

Who's that?

What?

Dad.

What are you
doing here?

What am i
doing here?

I live here.

What are you
doing here?

Is mom all right?

Shh! She's asleep.
She's fine.

We went to the
movies together,

and I stayed here.

I thought you
were in Florida.

I was.

Your uncle Stan
screwed up.

So, what's with you?

You get kicked out of your
apartment again, or what?

No.

If you must know...

Mom gets scared

to be alone
at night,

so she asked me
to stay here.

Scared? She never said
anything to me about...

Well, she does.

It's just so typical that
you wouldn't know that.

Don't start.

Ok?

Not today.

Thank you for staying
with your mother.

If she had said
anything to me...

Well, it's hard to say
anything to you, dad,

because you're
always talking.

Ok, here we go.

My daughter,
the paper cut.

Always talking, huh?

You didn't mind
my talking

when I said
to the judge,

"your honor,
I'll pay the store

"for everything
she shoplifted.

"I'll get her into
rehab, your honor.

"I'll pay all
of the court costs,

"and look, here's a little
something for yourself."

You didn't mind
my talking then, huh?

Where are
you going?

Away from
your mouth.

What did I say?

What... you're
in your pajamas.

I'll get a cab.

Susan, you goin'
out like that?

Hey, do what
you always do.

Don't worry
about me.

Susan,
would you j...

Buddy?

Yeah, it's me.

What are you
doin' back?

Well, there was
a little mix-up,

but everything is
ok. Don't worry.

Glad you're home.

Yeah.

Did you see Susan?

Yeah, yeah.
We, uh...

We had a really
nice chat,

and she told me
to tell you

that she's leaving
early in the morning

before you get up.

Ahh...

You hungry?

Nah. I had, uh, I had
some Chinese with Stan.

Are you all right?

Oh, sure, sure.

You know, it, uh, it just
takes me a little time

to get the
excitement of a show

out of my system,
you know?

I'm still coming down

from that show I did
at grossinger's in 1950.

All right.

Come to bed.
I'm cold.

Shhh.

♪

♪ Aah... ♪

♪ ah-ah-i ♪

♪ hot, hot, hot, hot ♪

♪

This is why
i love the catskills!

Huh?

Can you believe
these schmucks?

But I love this audience.

Everybody has been
absolutely great,

except this guy
right over here.

What is with you?
Have you...

This man passed away,
and no one has told him.

Smile. Have a...
Are you havin' a good time?

Tell your face!

Come on!
Pep up! Pep up!

Look at this guy.

This is what happens
when cousins marry. Huh?

But don't get me
started on that!

Good night, everybody!

♪

Hey, how you doin'?

All right.

Great job.

It went great.
Felt great.

I can't believe you.
Where'd you come up with

the circumcision bit?

I just made it up,
and I went with it.

I mean, what did I say?

I don't know. I wrote it down.
I got it right here.

Jesus, you
were strong tonight.

I know. I killed 'em,
i murdered them.

It wasn't even fair.
I mean, except for that one guy.

What guy?

The guy in the front.
I couldn't even get him to laugh.

Buddy, 528 people
laughed their asses off.

You're worried about one
guy 'cause he's from NBC?

The guy's from NBC? I murdered him!
I insulted him!

See what I did?

I made you think it was
a network guy, but it wasn't.

See what I did?
I crushed your larynx!

Listen, uh, I got... I got
some things I should do.

I'm gonna...
I'm gonna get goin'.

Ok. Before you go,
listen, listen...

Table 8,
polka-dot dress.

I think she's sitting
with her parents.

Yeah?

Bring her back.
I want to meet her.

Wha... th...

Table 8,
polka-dot dress,

bring her back...
Now...

Before she goes
into menopause.

Buddy...

You know,
i... I don't... I don't...

I don't like
doin' this.

You know, I mean,
get your own women.

Oh, come on, Stan.
I'm up on stage,

you know,
that's one thing.

If I go out
in the audience...

W-why you makin'
a thing out of this?

I wasn't.
Don't make a thing.

What do I ask you to do
that's so difficult?

I ask you to drive
when I have a headache,

watch the act,

and bring me a girl
after the show.

Are you
overworked?

No, I'm not overworked.
Would you like an assistant?

Come on, now. Churn
those chubby legs.

Well, I'm gonna see if
she wants to come back.

No. Handcuff her.
Of course, "if she wants."

Hey, Stan. There's
plenty of guys

who want to
be my brother.

But they're all
in bellevue.

Ohh...

♪

What do
you think?

Excuse me, sir, my name
is Stan yankelman,

and I was wondering
if your daughter

would care to dance.

Ooh!

Eugene!

Yankelman?

We used to know
a yankelman family.

What do you do
for a living?

I'm a pediatrician.

Oh! Elaine,

show Dr. yankelman

some of those dances
you learned in college!

Subtle as
a train wreck.

I'd be happy to.

It was nice
meeting you all.

So, what's
your name?

Elaine gimbel.

Of the department
store gimbels?

No, of the "we'll get
that spot out,

"and you'll have it back
Thursday" gimbels.

So, where'd
you go to college?

Hunter. I graduated
a few years ago.

Hunter? Really?

Oh, well, then you must
know professor feingold.

Does he teach there?

No, he does a memory
act in the poconos.

But, really.
He could remember

everything that he wore
for the last 40 years.

It was a strange,
strange act.

You're not... really
a pediatrician, are you?

No. No, I, uh,

I'm a theatrical agent.

Really? Oh.

Yeah. I handle
some of the acts

up here at the hotel.

I handle
buddy young, Jr., and...

You're his agent?

Yeah, I'm his agent...
And his brother.

But you said your name
was yankelman.

Well, I changed it when
i went into show business.

Your brother...

Did you... did
you like him?

I loved him.
He's so funny.

The best I've ever
seen here, really.

Well, I... I... I help
him a lot with the act.

I write some of
the material, and...

Could I meet him?

Yeah, sure.

Over here.

Hi.

Elaine gimbel, I'd like
you to meet buddy young.

Nice to meet you.
How you doin'?

Pull up a cockroach
and sit down.

Elaine really
enjoyed the show.

Oh,
you're the one.

No. Everybody
was laughing.

Not the one guy
in front.

Stan,
before you go...

Elaine, have you
ever had

a roast pork sandwich
on garlic bread?

No.

Well, tonight
is your lucky night!

Welcome to
your life!

Stan, you'll
call Manny's, right?

Tell him it's 2,

it's me,
a nice quiet table,

and we'll be
on our way.

Are you hungry? What
would you like to eat?

My parents...

I would rather
eat the sandwiches.

I'm sure your parents are
very delicious people,

but parents at this hour,
they lay there.

No, really, I have to
tell them I'm going.

If I'm gone an hour,

they'll give my blouse
to my brother

and have him
sniff me out.

Whoa, base hit
up the middle!

Runner goes
to 3rd on that.

Very funny,
very funny.

I'll be
right back.

Ok, here.
Right over there.

Oh, she's cute!

She looks a little
young, don't you think?

What am I,
a redwood?

And smart and funny.
Did you hear that joke?

Buddy...
You should get a girl,

instead of sittin'
in the room all night.

I can't do
this anymore.

Do what?

This.

This. This. What I...
What I do... Schlep work.

Like you said,
i drive the car,

I watch the act...

Stan, I didn't mean
anything by that.

You know,
it's after the show,

stuff is still flyin'
out of my mouth...

Well, face it,
buddy, I'm the...

I-I'm the brother.

What do you want
to be? The cat?

Fine. From now on,
your name is buttons.

I'll get a little tinkle ball
you can roll with your nose.

Maybe I should start
my own agency,

handle some
other acts. That way...

Stan, what are you
talkin' about?

I need you.

Nobody can do for
me what you do.

Stan, if it
wasn't for you,

I would be
much more successful.

Did you see what
i did there, huh?

Did you notice that?

Yeah.

I saw.

Stan...

Stan, everything that we
dreamed about as kids

is startin' to happen.

Please, don't leave me.

You know every
night when you bring

the fat lady up
from the audience

and you ram her in the
ass with your head?

Yeah?
You're doin' it wrong.

How many ways
are there to do it?

You're tippin' the bit.

You're makin' the face
before you ram the ass.

I did not.

Yes, you did.

Don't tell me.
Shut up.

Don't tell me.
Shut up.

Don't tell me.
Shut up.

Don't tell me.
Shut up.

Don't tell me.

Don't tell.
Shut up.

Don't tell.
Shut up.

Ok, I'm ready.

Hi. Did you
get prettier?

Stan, did she get
pret... Stan.

Stan,
wake up. Stan,

Elaine, I'm
talking abou...

Try to stay awake
a little while.

Go on,
get out of here.

Elaine, these sandwiches
are amazing.

Roast pork,
yet they're kosher.

I don't know
how they do it!

Buddy, funny tonight.
I thought I'd die!

Maybe next time.

Good night, everybody.
See you tomorrow.

♪

♪ You look at me ♪

♪ and then the song begins ♪

♪ played on a million
velvet violins... ♪

Wow!

Excuse me.

See? They're
great sandwiches.

It's the gift that
keeps on giving.

I can't believe
i did that.

I'm so embarrassed.

It wasn't that bad.

A couple of boats
capsized, but, uh...

Whew!

Ohh.

So tell me,

how is a woman
wearing your face

still single?

Oh, god, you sound
like my mother.

Oh, it's the night air.
Gives me that rasp.

"Darling, we're so
proud of you."

You know, I think we
have one big relative

that we all share.

Oh, it's true.

"This is what
we sent you

"to college for?

"So you could be 25
and still single?

"Your sister rose doesn't
have half your looks,

"and she's married."

You're 25, and you
still come up here

with your parents?

Well, the hotel
has spinster rates.

Wow! Double
off the scoreboard.

2 runners
score on that.

You're very funny,
Elaine.

No...

No, you are.
Yeah.

I'm trying to
make up with them.

They're angry at me.

Your parents?

I was supposed to get
married last month,

and I backed out.

Oh.

My dad lost
the deposit.

It was a nightmare.

I said, "dad, look
on the bright side.

"Now 140 cornish hens
don't have to die!"

Who were you
supposed to marry?

Herb,
"the shower door king."

I was at his
coronation!

It was
a lovely affair.

Oh, he was
all right. He was...

A putz?

The biggest.

All he ever talked about
was shower doors.

You know,
i started thinking,

this is the rest
of my life,

listening to
him whine

about what
New York City water

does to a chrome finish?

My parents pushed
and pushed, but...

It's not
what I want.

What do you want?

Ed, "the toilet seat
czar"? He's available.

I don't know
what I want.

I don't even know
what there is.

♪ ...one little angel
that I'll stand by ♪

♪ fantastic ♪

♪ fantastic, that's you ♪

does your brother bring you
a girl after every show?

No, no, no, no.

See, I... I...

I saw you...
From the stage,

and I wanted
to meet you.

So Stan went,
you know,

to get you, because

I... I was, you know,
had to change.

This isn't an all-the-time
thing, you know.

Stan and I spend all our
time workin' on the act.

We don't have
a lot of, uh...

What are they called?

Women. Hmm?

Mm-hmm.

So, what's it like?

What?

What you do...
Being a comedian.

I just can't imagine
standing up there

in front of all
those strange people.

It's what I do.
You know, it's my job.

It's an odd job,
but it's my job.

I mean, some nights are
better than others.

It's so strange.
Like last night,

I couldn't buy a laugh.
I mean, nothin'.

The audience
just sat there.

They were like, uh,
nuremberg with drinks.

And it's the same
exact show that you saw!

I mean, I came out,

and I said, "good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,"

and a guy
in the front row

looks up at me
and says, "oi, English."

But then there are
nights like tonight...

Where I... wow,
i was like...

I don't know. I... I...

I was like Joe Louis,
you know?

I... I came out,
started to jab,

you know, just
feeling 'em out...

"Hey, where you from?"
You know?

"What a crowd!"

Then I moved in.
Body shots...

"Lenny, I have to.
But you?" Boom!

"We use the camel
to ride to town, sir."

Boom!

Then it went right to
the head, the bakery bit...

"You bought too much!"
Boom!

"You bought
too little." Boom!

Roumania, roumania.
Boom! And I got 'em.

They're mine. They
can't take any more.

It's the best feeling
in the world.

Until now.

What?

Table 8...

Polka-dot dress...

It's get... it's gettin'
a little late.

You know,
your... your parents...

Yeah.

Hey, I got married!

Yeah, it was
a beautiful affair.

9 killed.

We had a little accident
on the dance floor.

My aunt Sheila
spun out of control

doin' the bunny hop

and wiped out
the entire smorgasbord.

The rest of
the relatives

were on their
best behavior.

Yeah, they ate until
their heads exploded!

You should've seen 'em.
They ate everything...

Silverware, candles...

They... they were
like goats in tuxedos!

♪

♪ When you're smilin' ♪

♪ keep on smilin' ♪

♪ keep on smilin' ♪

♪ and the whole world
smiles with you ♪

But I love this town!

I love las Vegas, yeah.

I come here
to visit my money.

I got a great system.

You wanna know
how you can beat

the gambling
problems here?

Soon as you get out
of the plane,

walk into
the propeller!

Las Vegas is the only
town in the world

where you can arrive
in a $5,000 car

and leave
in a $20,000 bus.

I'll tell you that.

But, hey, I hit a jackpot
the other day.

I became a daddy!

Yeah, born right here
in las Vegas

at our lady of the
2-drink minimum.

No. She's pink
and soft and...

She's an eraser,
basically.

My wife gave birth
to an eraser!

I'll tell you, folks,

I look at my
little girl,

how tiny she is,
and I think,

how can something
you can hold in one hand

give you such a thrill?

Then I remembered
what it was like

when I was 14

and I used to lock myself
in the bathroom!

But don't get me
started on that!

Aw, she's so cute.
What a thrill.

I'll never forget
what my uncle moe

said about little girls.

He said, "officer,

"she said she was 18!"

But I'll tell you, folks,
there's nothin' like it.

Nothin' in the world.

My favorite time is
when the baby's asleep,

you know, lookin'
all cute and innocent

and there's a little
bit of moonlight

coming through the window,
shinin' on her face,

and it's quiet.

All's right with the world.

And only one thought is
goin' through your mind...

What stinks?

What the hell
stinks like that?

You know what it is?

It's this lady
in the front!

Nice face, madam.

You look like a toches
with lipstick!

But don't get me
started on that!

Good night, everybody!

What a night!

Oh, what a view!

You can see my whole
career from here.

I mean, there was
the capitol theater...

And the Paramount...

And over there
was the Latin quarter.

Oh, the Latin quarter was
always a hot room for me.

And then we'd go to the metropole,
hear some jazz,

then end up at Lindy's,
get a piece of cheesecake,

and lie about
how good we did.

Yeah. Great days.

Yeah. It's great
to see you, Phil.

You, too, buddy.
Come on.

Ahh, boy.

I was surprised
to hear about Stan.

Is he all right?

Oh, sure, he's fine.
You know, I... I said to him,

I said, "look, cookie...

"You've been workin'
your whole life.

"Relax. You know,
go down to Florida.

"Be with your children.

"Paint your pictures."

You know...
He carried on...

"I can't
leave you, buddy.

"I don't want
to leave you, buddy."

Oh, it broke my heart.

But it was time
for him to retire.

I mean, he's
gettin' up there.

Yeah, yeah.

So I gave him
a couple of bucks.

Yeah, a couple
of bucks. I, uh...

I set him up
with a condo.

That was a lovely
thing to do.

He's my brother.
You know, he's a classy guy.

What, are you kidding?
Stan is class.

I mean, you open
the dictionary

under "class,"
it's his picture.

Hey, when I was
just a young pisher,

schlepping acts
up to the catskills,

Stan took me
under his wing.

He taught me
how to be an agent.

Stan.

So, what can i
do for you?

Well... you know,
you always said

that you
liked the act.

What, are you
kidding me?

Who didn't love
your act?

Just the other day,
i was saying to...

Somebody...

"Remember
buddy young, Jr.?"

And they got
all excited.

Oh, yeah?
Who was it?

I'm not...

Well,
where were you?

It was at the... You know, uh,
with the tables.

Well, did you say I was
funny, and they agreed,

or did you
say my name,

and they said
i was funny?

I mean,
how did it work?

Either way.
W-what's the difference?

The point is,
you're a legend.

You're a giant.

You're the
comic's comic.

You look in the dictionary
under "funny,"

it's your picture.

Well, I... I appreciate
that, Phil.

I really do, I mean,
especially comin' from you.

So, I was Thinkin',
maybe, uh, you know,

you want to take me on,
you know, handle me.

I don't need
much. I mean,

just a little kick in the
ass to get it over the top.

Hey, hey, buddy, do I want
to handle you? I owe you.

I owe you.

The business owes you.

You know, with all
due respect to Stan,

I always thought you
should've been bigger.

Now, maybe i
shouldn't say that.

No, no. I hear you.
I hear you.

So, come with us.

We'll do, we'll
make, you'll be.

Great.

Let me set
something up

for later
in the week.

It'll give me a
chance to come up

with a game plan. Uh...

How's Friday?

It's like today,
but later.

Ok, 1:00, lunch...

Friar's club?

Unless you'd rather
eat someplace else.

Yeah, off
Madonna's breasts,

but you got to call so far
ahead for reservations.

Funny.

Yeah. Berle said
I'm not topical.

Sidney. Sidney,

who do you have to screw
to get a vodka?

Me.

Make it a ginger ale.

Are you guys
gonna order lunch,

or is this one of
them Jewish holidays?

Ah, now you're
talkin' sense.

Listen, uh...
You guys order,

because I, uh,
i got a lunch.

I'm meeting somebody.

Who?

Who? It's a person,
that's all. It's a someone.

Tell us.
Who is it?

Phil gussman,
all right?

Phil gussman?

My god,
that's terrific.

Phil gussman's
comin' here

to have
lunch with you?

It's the strangest thing.
He calls me out of the blue,

said he heard
about Stan,

how I bought him
the condo and the boat

and the whole thing.

Anyway, he says he wants
to pitch me a few ideas.

Well, you know, I thought i
was gonna take this year off,

but, listen,
I'm not stupid.

I'll listen to
what he has to say.

I don't
blame him.

Oh.

Hey,
how you doin'?

Buddy.
Good to see you.

What a coincidence.
What?

I was just over at the museum
of natural history,

visiting your act.

You look sensational.
Thank you.

You still combing your hair
with the exxon valdez?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Funny. Funny, buddy.

Seriously, though, jer,
i got to ask you something.

It's upsetting me.
I just heard about it.

I want to know if
it's the truth or not.

What?

You and Dean
broke up?

What did you do?
What did you say to him?

Did you open
a mouth?

What... what happened?

It's 36 years ago.

Really?

Of course.

My goddamn
paper boy.

If it's not on the roof,
it's in the bushes.

That's funny, buddy.

It's great
to see you, Jerry.

Good seeing you, buddy.
Good seeing you guys.

Sidney, another pitcher
of Hawaiian punch

for the kids' table.

Remember, fellas,
breathe in, out...

In, out...

Where you goin'?
France?

France? I didn't
plan on it,

but, yeah! Oh, I'm gonna
go on a trolley!

I'm going now!

Clear the area!

France!

Who was that?

Looked familiar.

Mr. young?

I'm Mr. young.

How nice
to meet you.

I'm Annie Wells.
I'm from I.T.I.

Yeah?

Phil asked me
to apologize for him.

He had to fly suddenly
to the coast,

and he asked me
to fill in for him.

When's he
gettin' back?

I'm not sure.

When Phil gets back,
then I'll see him.

I think he was hoping you
and I could get together.

I have a table
right over here.

Sure.

Excuse me.

I do have a 1:30,

but we can get
to know each other.

This is a very unusual room.
What is it, a club?

Yeah, it's a club...

Miss, uh... Jones?

Wells. Annie Wells.

What are you?

You know... I mean,
what do you do?

I'm an agent at I.T.I.
I handle comedians.

Now, here's what I thought
we could do today.

You could give
me some sense

of what you'd
like to be doing.

You know,
how do you see

the buddy young Jr. career
developing from here?

Who's Harry ritz?

Jack Carter?
Um...

Phil silvers?
Myron Cohen?

Sheckey Greene?
Perky stiles?

Dick Shawn?

I'm... I'm sorry.
Am I supposed to know these people?

Yeah. You are supposed
to know these people,

because they're
great comedians. Great.

Comedians who loved
to be on a stage.

Professionals who
could take an audience

like they were a herd
of wild buffalo

and move 'em into a corral.
Masters of a craft.

Well, I guess they
were before my time.

Everything was.

Look, miss...

If Phil wants to give
me the brush, ok...

But he don't
have to send you,

"30 seconds
over show business,"

to do it for him.

I'm 40 years past
"so tell me about yourself."

Mr. young, I assure you,
everyone at the agency

is very excited
about you.

No one is very
excited about me!

I'm not excited
about me!

Sweetheart...

Tell Phil that if he
looks in the dictionary

under "lying,
rat-faced, two-timing,

"chicken-livered pricks,"

there's his picture!

Look, obviously,

there's been some sort
of misunderstanding.

I went to Phil
for help.

I never had to
do that before.

He dances me around
the office, you know,

and I get
a little excited.

There's somebody
who believes in me.

So we set up this
meeting. Then I look up,

and there's this
embryo in a dress

who don't know me
from a goddamn salami!

Good-bye, Mr. Young.
It was lovely to have met you.

Go take a shit
with your clothes on.

I got no winter.
Excuse me.

You know?
I lost my winter!

Hello?

Hello. Is, uh,
this Elaine young?

Yes.

I got your name
off a men's-room wall.

It says, "for good soup,
call Elaine."

Hi, buddy.

Hi, baby.
How you doing?

Ok.
Good.

Are the clubs nice?

Oh, great, great.
Good bookings.

Good places, yeah.

Well, how's it goin'?

Oh, I'm killin' 'em.

Yeah?
Really.

Last night,
i shot a guy,

made all the papers.

Are you feelin' ok?

Well, I had
a little problem.

My hair set off
the metal detector

at the airport.
It's those clips.

Hey, you know what...
What place I drove by?

What?

Remember the 300 club
in Boston?

Remember I played
there in, like, uh,

19-ba-ba-ba-boom.

Boston?

Yeah, come on. Remember?
I had a great show there,

I was all excited
after the show,

and you and I made love

right on the makeup table
in my dressing room.

Don't you remember?

Buddy...
That wasn't me.

It...

You see what I did?

I made you think
it wasn't me, but it was.

Yeah, you're pretty
funny for an old bag.

Where are you?

I'm in a small town.

It's, uh, called
"resume speed."

I miss you.

Yeah.

Buddy, are
you all right?

Sure, sure.

It's just
a little quiet.

So, this guy goes
in a doctor's office.

Doctor says to him,
"i got good news

"and bad news," see?

Guy said, "well, uh...

"What's the good news?"

Said, "the good news is
you got 24 hours to live."

He says, "that's
the good news?

"What's the
bad news?"

He said, "i forgot
to call you yesterday."

Did you see what
i did there, ma?

Stan? Oh, Stan
is great, yeah.

He's the president
of France now.

Oh, yeah. You
should've seen him.

They had this
big revolution.

He led them,
wearing a beret,

wavin' a big piece
of French bread.

He loves
what he's doin'.

Mrs. gershen, would you
please hold it down?

I brought the ice skates,
and we'll go.

A promise
is a promise.

Me, I'm doin'
sensational.

Sensational, ma.

I played a place
the other night.

You know what
they loved?

Remember that routine i used
to do about grandma and grandpa

on the porch at silver beach,
arguing over who's sicker?

Remember?

"What are
you talking, a fever?

"106 is not a fever.

"I was dead for 6 months,
and I never missed a day's work."

Yeah, they loved
it, loved it.

Big laughs, just like
in the living room, ma.

It's not so good, ma.

Things aren't so good.

So, you folks do drugs?
You do drugs or what?

Yeah!

Yeah? Oh, that's
something to admit

in front of a group
of strangers, you bonehead!

If your I.Q. Gets to 80,
sell, brother man.

What'd you do today?

Well, I smoked
a couple of joints.

You want to
come with me?

Where you goin'?

I told you
3 times,

I'm goin' over
to see Susan.

Watch your pocketbook.

Buddy.

Look, maybe
another time, ok?

I'm very tired,

and I'm not in the mood
for her hostility.

Well, then
take a walk.

You're, like, glued
to that chair.

See a movie. Steal a
car. Just do something.

Drugs are a waste...

You believe this guy, Elaine?
Look... look at this guy.

He's performing
in front of people,

and he's dressed
for a felony.

I mean, look at this.

Buddy...

You call these jokes?
You call this comedy?

Bye.
I mean, who wrote this crap?

All right! You guys call
yourselves comedy writers?

Call yourselves
ex-comedy writers!

You're fired!

You're fired!

You're fired! You're fired!

I don't work here!

You're hired!

Now you're fired!
Get outta here!

Buddy...

Oh, here's
the head genius!

I don't want to see you
guys anymore! You got it?

Come on, Woody.

2 minutes...

You're fired!

And get that bird
outta here!

Lorraine!
Now! Out!

They rewrote my
opening monologue.

I told them
to do it.

You changed my monologue
without asking me?

Buddy, you can't do the
other monologue.

The sponsor will go crazy.
We'll lose the show!

We're losin' the show now!
We're dyin' here!

Look at these ratings, heh?
Look at this, Stan.

First, we're number 3.
Then, we're number 8.

Then, we're number 11.

Now you can't
even goddamn find us!

Here, we're right
here! We're 36!

36? That's good? From 3
to 36, that's a good thing?

It's... it's just temporary.
You got Davy Crockett

against you
for a few weeks.

It's a fad.
It'll go away.

You don't even see it, Stan.
You don't even see what's happening.

We're losing the show!
They're gonna cancel me!

Buddy, I spoke
to the network.

They're a little concerned
about the ratings,

but they're more
concerned about you!

Me?
Yes.

They're worried about me?
Yes.

I'm workin'
like a horse here!

I'm doin' everything,
and I'm getting no support!

I can't get
a decent joke!

I ask the fuckin' kid
for a fuckin' sandwich...

Wait a min...
What?

I asked for
Russian dressing

on both sides
of the bread!

Is that too much
to ask for?

Buddy!
Don't "buddy" me!

For 7 years, Stan,
i played every club,

to every audience.

Audiences that
couldn't speak English.

Audiences that wouldn't
laugh, couldn't laugh,

that were physically
incapable of laughing.

Bowling balls
with ears!

And I'm not goin'
back there, Stan!

One minute,
buddy!

You're fired!

Damn it!

I'm gonna do
my monologue!

I'm the one
who got me here!

I'm the one
who'll keep me here!

Hi, daddy!

Get this off! What's
the matter with you?

What do you let her
wear this for, huh?

Buddy, what
are you doing?

Ahh!

Get out of my way!
Get outta here!

Buddy, I forbid you
to do that monologue!

You're forbidding me?

Stanley... let's each do
what we do best, huh?

I'll tell the jokes,

you'll get me a soda
when I'm through.

Ok?

Now, which
jacket's funnier?

Doesn't matter.

♪

Come on.

Give me the jacket!
I'm on!

And now, the star
of our show...

The kamikaze of comedy!

Fasten your seat belts,

and put on
your crash helmets

because here he comes...

Mr. Saturday night...

Buddy young, Jr.!

Thank you!

Thank you very much,

and good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, how about that whole
Davy Crockett thing, huh?

Don't get me started!

Yeah, don't get me started
on that schmendrik

with a dead animal
on his head.

I got news for you...

His moccasins
never touch the ground.

Why do you think

there are only men
at the alamo, huh? Huh?

I'm tellin' you,
"king of the wild frontier?"

How about "queen..."

What?

Uhh!

What'd you do...
Forget something?

Harry ritz was the funniest
of the ritz brothers.

He used to say,
"don't holler!"

Jack Carter was
a nightclub comedian.

He was known as
the comic's comic.

Phil silvers
was a genius...

Sergeant bilko,
burlesque, top banana.

Buddy young, Jr.,
was Mr. Saturday night

and the only man
who ever told me

to take a shit
with my clothes on.

That's Dean Martin,
Tommy lasorda...

Uh-huh...
Old blue eyes,

and yours truly,
old liver spots.

Who's that?

Oh, that's me.

What?
Oh, yeah.

That was Durin' the '60s.

That's, uh, uh, during
my political period. Heavy satire.

That was taken at a club
in San Francisco.

Yeah, it was a...
It was a good time

'cause there was...
For a comic then,

there was so
much goin' on...

You know, the
whole Vietnam bit,

that folk-music fiasco
that was goin' on.

Yeah. I once
punched Joan baez

in the mouth
at a peace rally.

She started it.
Wasn't a fun decade.

What is that?

Oh, that's my album.

Disco Jew.

Wow.

Oh, no, no.
It was a big hit.

It went zinc.

It was a, uh, parody
of that movie,

the Saturday night fever
movie, you know?

And, uh, we made
up songs, you know?

♪ Oi, oi, oi ♪

♪ I'm almost alive,
almost alive ♪

♪ oi, oi, oi ♪

♪ I'm almost alive ♪

I got a night fever,
you know, stuff like that.

It was a lot of laughs.

And this?

Oh, that's my
daughter Susan.

Yeah, that was taken
in las Vegas

in 19-ba-ba-ba-boom,
I'll tell you that right now.

Yeah, I used to bring her up
at the end of the act, right?

Sit her on a stool,
beautiful pool of light,

and I'd sing this
song to her...

♪ You're sugar,
you're spice ♪

♪ you're everything nice ♪

♪ 'cause you're
daddy's little girl ♪

tears streaming.

Mayhem. The audience
didn't know what hit 'em.

W-wait. You want
to see somethin'?

Yeah. Yeah.

Where...

Here.

Here.

Take a look at this.
Here I am on-stage,

doin' a number,
and that's what won me

entertainer of the year,
las Vegas, 1958.

So you have
2 daughters?

No. That's a girl that
i hired to be my daughter

when Susan didn't want
to do the act anymore.

Yeah. It was a good
bit. Really strong.

Yeah. Hmm.

I'm Thinkin' about
puttin' Susan

back in the act now,
you know, but, um...

I think it
loses somethin'

when you sing
to a twice-divorced,

middle-aged drug addict.

You know, it's not
quite as moving somehow.

Sit down.

I have a son who's
a lawyer. Very big.

Yeah, he lives
anywhere I'm not.

Anyway, uh...

So, why are you here?

I mean, I'm
a very busy man.

In a half-hour, i
give myself an enema.

It's festival seating.

I want to get
you some work.

Look, I know i
wasn't nice to you

the other day
at the friar's...

No, no, no. Phil... Phil...
Phil was wrong

to do that, um,
and I told him.

Ok, whatever.

But I'm through.

There's nothin'
out there for me.

You don't know me.

My clients work.

Sure.

But if you're
not interested...

Thanks.

Annie, right?

Yeah.

Annie.

Get me in front
of an audience.

Any audience.

I'm dyin' here.

Every night
i go to bed,

there's a little
less of me.

I'll get you
an audience.

So, I come home,
i find my wife

in bed with my best friend.

So I said, "Lenny,
i have to. But you?"

Oh, yeah. Let me ask
you a question, folks.

How many of you
actually speak English?

Show of hands here.

Hands. Hands. It's the thing
at the end of your sleeve.

Yeah. Oh, good. I'm working
Ellis island here.

Has he ever done
a warm-up before?

Um, not per se.
Per what, then?

He's doing well.
He's getting laughs.

But he's edgy.
I don't like this.

Anyway, uh, these 2
Polish dwarfs go into a...

Yeah, yeah, sure. Ok.

Uh, we're gonna start
this, uh, ring a bell,

get a cookie,
talk to a dog,

win a pile.

I've had piles.
It's not such a prize.

I'll tell you that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

We're gonna bring, uh,

the host of the
show out now.

We're going to
bring Fred out, and, uh...

How are you?
Nice to see you.

Yeah. Ok. So, what
we're gonna do is this...

When Fred comes out,

let's give Fred a big,
big standing ovation, ok?

See?
Anyway,

so put your
hands together,

and on the count of 3,

let's make him feel at home
and we'll all say,

"Fred, what's with
your fuckin' hair?"

What? What did I say?
What did I do?

Here we go! Stand up!
Stand up, goddamn it!

Let's do this.

1... 2... 3...

Fred!

What's with your fuc...

I opened for durante.
I opened for Sinatra.

I don't open for win-a-bedroom-set
on a farkuckta game show.

It's a good thing.

A lot of up-and-coming
comics do warm-ups.

It's a great way
to start out.

Darling, I'm not starting out.
I'm finishing up.

There's a big
difference.

Nothing on me
is up-and-coming,

I'll tell you
that right now.

Get me a real job,

a real thing where people
are coming to see me.

Have you ever acted?

Roll it.

Speed.

And action.

"Having fun, sweetie?"

"I sure am, because

"with these new
extra-absorbent 'secures, '

"i can eat and
drink all I want

"and not have
to worry about

"bladder control.

"For the first
time in years,

"i can relax and
have a good time.

"And so can you.

"To feeling secure."

Great. All right.
Let's put it on film.

Uh, hair, makeup, wardrobe,
do what you have to do.

Buddy, you're great!

Listen, I'm very
embarrassed about this.

I... I... people'll think
i have this problem.

No, they're not.

They'll think
you're a good actor.

No, but it's not funny.
I'm not funny.

Buddy, we talked
about this.

Now, I need film
to show people.

Clients are already
talking about using you

for something else.

Would you do me
a favor, please?

Would you look at them
once and smile?

You're wonderful.

I'm not funny.

You're
very charming.

This is picture, people.

Quiet, please.

Ready.

Everybody settle.

Speed.

Rolling.

101, take one.

Background action.

All right, now, buddy,
make me love this.

And... action.

"Having fun, sweetie?"

"I sure am, because i
just dropped 2 crab cakes

"into my shorts
and nobody knows."

Cut it!

See what I did?

Listen to me.

Will you just
listen to me?

I'm angry at you. Don't eat
while I'm angry at you.

I worked very hard
to get you that job.

What did you
do that for?

Look...

It's a comic's job

that if he sees bullshit,
he says "bullshit."

Buddy, that's
not an answer.

You don't understand...

Buddy.

Stan.

What are you doin' here?

I... I... I thought
you were in Florida.

I've been tryin' to find
you. Where you been?

I was... I was workin'. I...

Annie, this is my
brother Stan.

Buddy...

Mom died.

♪

At this time,

if anyone would care

to say a few words

about rose yankelman,

you'd be welcome.

Stan, say something.

You do it.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Ahem.

What can you say

about someone
who gave you life?

You know,
when my brother Stan...

First told me that our
mother had passed away...

My first thought was...

Did you get her recipe
for kugel?

The woman lived
in the kitchen.

Seriously. She had a bed
put in there and everything.

Until I was 15,

I thought my name
was "taste this."

I'd blow my nose,

and gravy would come out.

Yeah.

She was everything for us.

She cooked for us.
She cleaned for us.

She had sex
with our father.

I'm sure that
was no picnic.

Remember the arms on her?

She had these
gigantic arms that...

Th-they weighed more than me
and you, Stan. They did.

They were... they were like
flesh curtains, these arms.

She looked like
a Jewish Batman.

You know, just
this big... cape.

When she waved good-bye,

it sounded like
5 people applauding.

When we were kids,

we could sneak
into the movie theater

hiding behind those arms.

The loews pitkin
in Brooklyn.

Am I right, Stan?

Remember?

But when she held you
in those arms...

It was the safest place
in the world to be.

I loved makin' her laugh...

Because she had
this laugh...

Big... big beauty...

Laugh, you know?

It would hit you like
a wave at coney island.

I've done a lot of
things in my life...

That, uh...

But I...

Know...

That I made
my mother laugh.

Hmm?

She was 91...

And she went
too soon.

You know what just
occurred to me?

What?

We're orphans.

What's gonna
become of us, Stan?

What if they take us
to the orphanage

and the big kids
try to beat me up?

You know,
you look good...

For you.

Oh, yeah.
I... I feel ok.

Yeah?
Yeah. Not bad.

Florida's good?

Yeah.

Weather?

Occasionally.

When you
goin' back?

Tomorrow.
Oh.

You know, I just... I had
to settle mom's estate.

What estate? You take
the housecoat,

I'll take the slippers.
We're done.

No. She had
a little.

I set her up with some
things, some accounts.

Yeah?

There's a
check here.

I want you
to have it.

It's $13,000.

Oh, no, Stan.
This is too much.

We should
split this.

No, buddy. Really,
i want you to have it.

There's a lot of
dough here. Stan...

Listen, buddy, the thing
with the cruise...

I felt bad.

I left you
without a winter.

So please take it, and
then I won't feel bad.

But you could use this.

No. I'm fine.
Over the years,

I stole thousands
from you.

You see what I did?

Yeah, I saw.

Thanks.

Stan, you know, I've been
watchin' that old t.V. Show,

the Patty Duke show.

What, that girl?

No, Patty Duke. I been
watchin' it from Atlanta.

What were you
doin' in Atlanta?

I wasn't in...
Patty Duke.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's
confusin' me...

Identical cousins?

How the hell
is this possible?

Weren't the Germans workin' on
something like that?

But I tell you, this
Patty Duke's sexy.

Patty Duke is sexy?

Yeah. Remember
the theme song?

"Patty likes
to rock 'n' roll,

"a hot dog makes
her lose control."

There's a
date I want.

Bartender, I'll have
a vodka and tonic

and a Hebrew national
for the young lady,

and keep them comin'.

So, this is what
you do all day?

You watch
television?

Yeah. What do you
do down there

besides
retaining water?

What's a day in
the life of Stan?

What? I... I get up...

Good idea.

I have something.

A cup of coffee
with 9 sugars,

and you do the cha-cha
for 5 hours. And then?

I go to the club.

I play golf
with some friends.

You have friends?

Yeah, I have friends.
You know, they come with the condo.

You get cable
or friends.

I took the friends.

Over cable?

In the afternoon,
i paint.

The light is good.

It's... it's just right.

And I sit
by myself,

and I, uh, take the
phone off the hook...

Who's gonna call?

That's it. What's the
sense in talking to you?

Ok. All right.
I'm just playin'.

I'm just playin'
around, Stan.

What do you
do at night?

Sometimes I baby-sit
my grandchildren,

and, um...

Also, I'm
seeing a woman.

What, like,
through a window?

You're like...

Boris Becker here.

I'm... I'm
hitting lobs,

and you're smashing
them back at me.

No, really? You're
seeing a woman?

Yeah.
What, like on dates?

Yes. We go to the theater,
we go to dinner.

Has she seen those
steamed clams you call balls?

Buddy, you're a child.

You're a big,
wrinkled child.

What is the
matter with you?

It's not a matter.
I'm just playin'.

I'm worried about you,
Stan. For god sakes,

there's all of these

sexually transmitted
diseases out there.

Most of which
you started.

Double off the
wall. Come on.

We'll sit down
on your laugh here.

You know, I... I talked
to this, uh, Annie person.

You know,
she likes you.

She'll...

I'm dead.

I got cancer
of the career.

It's inoperable.

But it's
good timing.

I'm out of 8 x 10s.

Look, buddy...

If it's over,
you know,

let it be over.

Enjoy what you
had, and just...

I never got
the act perfect.

You know? I never
got it just right.

Oh, buddy,
don't start.

Why couldn't it have
happened, you know?

I wanted it
so bad.

To be the guy who,

when he walked
into the friar's,

everybody
turns around,

and they say...

"Why him, that
lucky bastard?

"I'm funnier
than him."

I wanted to
be that guy.

You know?

I still do.

There you are!

C-come on!

Don't forget to
marinate it first.

Would you get
out of the cab?

Oh, boy.

Look... look at you. Look
at what you look like.

I took a nap.
It got late.

Didn't my assistant tell
you this was important?

Hey, what are
you doin'?

I could get excited.
I could get an erection.

It could kill
me. Stop!

We're meeting
Larry meyerson.

Who's that?

Who is that?

The hottest director
in Hollywood!

Listen, I'm having dinner
with him last night,

and I mention
your name,

and he goes insane.
It turns out

he's the buddy young
fanatic of the universe.

He knows all
of your routines.

He worships you.
So?

So, he's casting
a picture.

There's a big part.

The character
is named buddy.

He wrote it
to be you,

but he thought
you were dead.

You mean I'm not?

Shut up!

Listen, big actors...

Their tongues are hanging
out to play this part,

and he wants you.

Do you realize what
this could mean?

I left my hair home.

Listen, i
gotta go home.

Underneath my hat is
bacon strips. It's a horror.

No, buddy!
Come on!

No. There's a way that
i like to meet people.

Buddy! He's
waiting in here.

No, I can't go in.

You look fine.
Come on.

Look at us. We're
the barelli brothers here.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.
I don't believe it.

How do you do?
How do you do?

I'm Larry meyerson.

I love your work.

I'm buddy young, Jr.,
and you have no taste.

Thank you.

No, no, I'm just
jokin'. Seriously,

I want to tell you,
I'm a very, very big fan.

I have seen
all of the movies.

They're fun for
the entire family,

and, uh, do
we order out,

or do we get
to sit down here?

Oh, I'm sorry. Sit.
Sit, please.

I'm... I'm sorry.
I'm... I'm... I'm actin' like a... a fool here...

This is so
weird for me.

What?

Well, I'll tell
you what. 1956, ok?

I'm 8 years old.

I'm in... I'm in grossinger's
with my family, we're having dinner,

and the door flies open.

Who walks in?

Buddy young, Jr.,
walks in.

Everybody in the entire
dining room...

I don't remember
how big it was...

Everybody
stopped eating.

Now I know
you're lying.

They never stopped
eating at grossinger's.

No, it's true.

Never. They didn't
even have tables there.

They had troughs.

People just...
On their knees, going...

Miles of
pickled herring,

which is not
attractive in a mouth

when they're talkin'...

"Harry, have the waiter
get me more onions.

"I want to
smell worse.

"I don't smell bad enough
with my breath."

You know, it was
an amazing place.

Ok, this time... this time,
they stopped eating, and they applauded.

You glided
into the room.

We... it was like... It was like
a king came into the room.

It was the greatest entrance
i have ever seen in my life.

I... you...
I ran up to you.

I'm... I'm 8 years old
now, remember, ok?

I ran up to you
and I told you

I wanted to be a
comedian when I grew up.

Really? And
wh-what did I say?

I'll tell you
exactly what you said.

You turned to the person
you were standing with,

you pointed at me,
and you said,

"look what just
fell out of my nose."

And that was
funny to you?

Yeah. I... I was
8 years old.

Now I'm nervous about
bein' in this movie.

Larry, is this
funny to you?

Look.
I'm Karl Malden.

"Never carry cash.
Whatever."

How about this?

The girlie
from star wars

with the bialys
on her head.

"Luke. I need
you, Luke.

"Give me the force."

Look.
I'm a hasidic Baker.

"I'll have it Thursday for you.
I'll have it Thursday for you.

"I'll have it
Thursday.

"I don't got
no pumpernickel.

"We're closed,
you little bastards."

You can do this bit.
You can do

that interviewing the
basketball players

after the game,

you know, in
the locker room.

You go, "hey, you
played a great game.

"Really, not only that, you're a very
impressive young man.

"I swear, I've never
seen a poppy-seeded one.

"Look at you.
You're a credit to men.

"Wait, wait. Look. Here.

"Now, you're Jewish."

There you go.
Look, I'm literally...

I'm literally
on a roll.

See, now, look.

Now I'm on a roll.

Now I'm
uncomfortable.

Whatever.
What a time.

So, Larry, I was telling
buddy about this part.

Oh, the movie, right.

Sorry. I got so excited,
I'm acting like a fan.

I am a fan.

Anyway, look.
Here's the, uh, script.

I want you to take
it home with you, ok?

Ok.

See what
i did there? Huh?

That's called
a lead-away.

You do the punch, then
lead the audience away.

The greatest lead-away man
in the history of ever

was fat Jack e. Leonard.

You don't even
remember fat Jack.

Jack e. Leonard.
No, I don't think...

Unless he's the same
Jack e. Leonard

from the Jack
paar show?

"Was the ground
cold when

"you got up this morning? I certainly hope it was."
Big fat guy?

How about
Harry ritz, huh?

"Don't holler!"

So, um,
in the script,

it's... it's clear which
part is for buddy?

Yeah. Buddy.

Actually, the character
is called "buddy."

You know, we were thinking
about buddy when we wrote it.

I... until I bumped
into Annie, uh,

I... I didn't know you were,
you know, still around, and, uh...

It's the grandfather.

It's the largest part.
It's a big part.

It's a very big
part in the film.

Buddy, I have a really
good feeling about you

for the part.
I really do.

I just have to...
I have to know

that you can read
lines. That's all.

Look, I'm not looking
for Olivier.

Good,
'cause he's dead.

You'd never
find him.

Buddy, I... I... I really
want this to happen.

I really have to get
to the airport.

I guess I'm just gonna
have to miss him.

Oh, that's a shame.
Yeah.

Well, it was really good
to see you again, Stan.

It was great
seein' everybody.

I'm sorry
i missed Jeffrey,

but Susan
looked great.

Really. Is she, uh...

It'll be ok.

Yeah.

We really
miss you, Stan.

So come on down.

Put buddy in one of
those dog carriers,

and get on a plane.

We will.

Ok.
Ok.

Do you think
i let him down?

Of course not.

No, Stan. You worked
like a horse for him.

He's just
mad at you

because you
have a life.

I have a life?

Yes, you.

He has you.

That's a life.

I would take
that life.

I knew a
long time ago

that he needed
more than me.

He needs the show.

No matter how much
i love him,

and I do,

he needs that
extra little hug

that he can only
get from strangers.

Well...

Go. Go.

Mmm.

Thank god
you're still here.

Why?
What's wrong?

Mom died again.

For god sakes, buddy,
i... I got a cab waiting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Elaine, make some tea.

Buddy,
he's gotta go.

I know.
Make some tea.

Buddy, I got a cab
waiting here.

I'm suffering
from acute late.

What is it?
I got to get goin'.

Yeah, yeah. This will
only take a second.

I just had a meeting
with Larry meyerson.

What, the director?

No, the gorilla breeder.
Yeah, the director, schmuck.

He's the biggest
director in Hollywood.

Come here.

He wants me
to audition

for a big part
in his new movie.

Buddy, that's...
That's fabulous.

That... that is wonderful.

Yeah, but I'm lookin'
it over in the cab, right?

And...

It's got a lot of words
and a lot of emotions,

you know? And i
have to audition.

So you talk to Annie.

You tell her to get you
a coach or somethin'.

Buddy, you'll...
You'll be great.

Listen, i-I'm sorry,
but I'm so late.

I gotta...
I gotta go.

I gotta go.
Stan. Stan.

Stan, I was hopin'

that you would
stay a few days.

You know, we have
the shorthand.

You know, you know me.

Buddy, Friday's my grandson's
birthday in Florida.

You know, Scotty.
He... he's gonna be 3.

Stan, they'll
hire a clown.

He'll think it's you.

Look, come here.
Come here.

Buddy, I really...

What?

Shh. Shh. Shh.

I want this part,
very badly.

This could be for me

what sunshine boys
was for George.

It would be nice
for Elaine.

She hasn't seen me doing
so good in a long time.

Please, Stan.

Be with me.

Everything good that
ever happened to me,

you were there.

Everything bad that
ever happened to you,

I was there.

I was always there.

So be there now.

Yeah, but she'd be difficult.

She's terrific.

And she'd be perfect
for this part.

She read the script,
and she really likes it.

Did you call her?
What did she say?

♪

Don't get me started.

♪ Da da da da da
da da da da da ♪

what a night!

♪ Da da da da ♪

what does
cheese say

when it has
its picture taken?

♪ Da da da da ♪

where is the
town of charter?

'Cause half the buses
are going there.

♪ Da da da da da ♪

as Mrs. Einstein said
to her husband Albert,

"what the hell
do you know?"

Buddy?

I work alone.

I'm just kidding.

Hello, Larry. How are you?
Nice to see you.

Annie, you know.

Hi.

And this is
my brother Stan.

Hello.

Oh. Hi. Very nice
to meet you.

Larry meyerson.

Yeah, Stan passed away
4 months ago.

I haven't had the
heart to tell him.

Try to cheer down.

Anyway, I gotta
tell you,

I read the script,

and it is
really terrible.

No, I'm just
playin' around.

It really is...
Horrible. I'm shocked.

We had to hold it
outside the cab

because of
the stench.

Ok. Let's
get started.

How do we begin
this march to stardom?

Ok, buddy, look.
Something's, uh, come up.

About, uh,
3 weeks ago,

we, uh, we offered the
part to Walter matthau.

And he wasn't
interested at the time.

Um...

This morning,
matthau's agent called,

and he's doing it.

Show biz.

Oh, why didn't you call me?

We did try to contact
you this morning.

No, no, no, you didn't.
I was in my office all morning.

Annie.
Annie. Annie.

Annie, can I talk to
buddy for a minute? Ok?

Ok.

Thank you.

Now, look.

I still want buddy
in the picture.

There's another part.
You read the script?

Sure.

Ok. The doctor who
comes in in, uh, act 3.

He has 3 big scenes.
They're very good scenes.

Uh-huh.

I really think it's...
I... I really think

buddy could score
with that part.

Now, look, I know
you prepared

the grandfather
for today, ok?

So you could come
in and read that,

and that will serve as your
reading for the doctor.

Or if you want, you
can take some time,

look at the
doctor's part,

and come in
and read that.

That's your call.

Whatever you want
to do. Ok?

I... I really think
this can work,

and I... I apologize
for all the confusion,

but, uh... I hope
you understand.

Hey, you
got matthau.

That's secretariat.
That's man o' war.

I mean, you got
to bet on them.

Could I have
one minute

to talk
to my consigliere?

Yeah, of course.
Sure. Take all the time you need, ok?

Ok. Thanks.

Did you get in touch
with him or not?

Yes, I did.

And what happened?

What do you think?

I... I think it's
still a great shot.

I... I think, uh,
it could still lead

to a lot of
things. Right?

This is a lousy
situation. I'm sorry,

but this is
a huge movie,

and it's a nice
part. It is.

Yeah, well...

So what
should I do?

Well, you read
the grandfather part.

I mean, we worked on it
3 days. You're ready.

What the hell
do you know?

Shut up.
Don't tell me.

Shut up.
Don't tell me.

Fell-fell-fellas.

Hurt them.

I'll do the
grandfather part,

'cause I know it, and,
uh, I'm already here.

Great.

All right.
So let's do it.

Could I do the scene
with the boyfriend?

You bet.
Whatever you want.

Karen, read the scene
with the boyfriend, please.

Can I stand up?

Sure.
Good. I'll sit here.

Are you ready?

Go.

"Mr. Tannenbaum,

"i have something
to tell you,

"and I'm a little
nervous about it."

"Stuey, what are
you nervous about?

"You're a good kid.

"My granddaughter
likes you. I like you.

"Come on,
talk to me."

"Ok. I...

"I got Julie pregnant."

"I'm really sorry."

"Stuey, go
into the kitchen.

"In the refrigerator,

"there's a bottle of wine

"that I've been saving
for a special occasion.

"Bring it here. Smash it
against that table,

"and with the jagged end,
ram it through my heart!

"I'd do it myself,
but I've got arthritis.

"Get out of my house,
you little sperm bank!

"I let you stay
here with me.

"I let you change
the channels

"in the middle
of what I'm watching.

"I let you have the
heel of the rye bread

"that I love so much.
I gave it to you, stuey."

Give him the line.

This is my part,
not the doctor.

Buddy...

I... I'm giving you
beauties here.

Don't you see?
I'm giving you beauties.

I mean, I know this part.
I know this guy.

Look, buddy,
I'm sorry.

I got every take, I got every
rhythm, whatever you need.

I'm like a museum
of comedy.

You want takes?
You go to the take exhibit.

You want faces? You go
to the face pavilion.

You want timing?
I'm a Swiss watch.

Buddy, calm down.
It's all right.

Why should i
calm down?

It's a hit-and-run!
I got run over here!

I'm sorry. He's upset.
He gets a little upset.

Don't apologize for me,
Stan! I hate that!

Let's take a break, and then he'll...
He'll read the doctor.

I will not read
the doctor part!

This is my part!

Jesus Christ, Stan!

Anybody can shit
in your hat,

and you go, "thank you.
It fits much better now."

Well, I can't wear
that hat, Stan.

I'm takin' too many
punches here.

If my life
was a fight,

they would have
stopped it by now!

So I'm stoppin' it.
That's it.

I'm throwin' in
the towel.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

The winner and still
champion... show business!

Annie, you're
a good girl

and a terrific agent.

Can I give you
a little advice?

Represent the living.

Larry,
no hard feelings.

Business is business,

prick.

Let's have lunch.

Um, I... I'll go
talk to him.

No... I'll do it.

He would have been
great in that part.

Ugh!

What are
you doin'?

You did it
to me again!

I was out of it,

and you sucked
me back in!

My grandson is
crying in Florida

so I could watch you
do that crap again!

I hurt my back here.

You happy?

My leg!

Come on,
help me up.

Please. Come on.

What are you, nuts?

Hittin' an old man
like that! You schmuck!

You're crazy.

You're nuts!

You stupid shit!

God, I hate you.

You're... you're
not a comedian.

You're a terrorist.

This time I was
right. They had...

You're
never right!

Even when
you're right,

you're not right!

Everybody gets
screwed, buddy!

Everybody
got shit upon,

got bad breaks!

That is part
of the business!

That is part of life!

You took every
bad break

you ever got,

and you made it worse.

You gotta burn
your Bridges behind you

and under you

and in front of you.

Every bridge!

Buddy, my whole life

I listened to
you bellyache

about your luck.

Well, you are
where you are

because of
who you are.

It should have been
you, right, Stan?

What?

Come on,
it's a lot of years.

Why don't we at least
say what it is?

Huh?

It should have been you
instead of me, right?

You would have
been better,

you would have
handled things better.

You would have
made it all better

than I made
it, right?

You would have been
nicer to Elaine,

if she had liked
you that night

instead of me.

Come on, Stan,

you don't think I see

how you still
look at her?

You're sick.

No, it had to be
the way it was, Stan,

because you didn't
have the balls

to fight me for her.

You had living room
balls, Stan...

Funny in the living room,
but that's it.

And I know how it looked
to everybody...

"Oh, poor Stan.
What a nice guy.

"Has to put up with
crazy buddy, the shit.

"Why does he stay
with him?"

But we know why,
don't we, Stan, huh?

Because you had
to be around it,

near it,

so I let you

because
you're my brother

and you were brilliant,
and it broke my heart

that you never knew what
it felt like up there,

when it's good,
when it's cookin',

you got 'em,
they're yours,

you can take them
anywhere you want,

you're powerful,

you prowl the stage
like a panther,

it feels so good,

the laughs go right
into your blood.

You can be a schmuck
in the afternoon,

but you're the king
of the night.

And every woman
wants to fuck you,

and every man
wants to know you.

You never knew
that, Stan...

And I felt bad
for you,

and I wanted you
to at least

be close to it.

I didn't take
your life, Stan.

I gave you one.

Yeah...

But you could have
been nicer.

Dad, what are you
doin' here?

Hi.

Did something
happen?

No, no, no, no.
Everything is ok.

I, uh, I just needed to
see you for a second.

That's all.

Oh.

Well, you want
to come in?

Uh, no. No, no.

This is...
This is ok.

It's ok.

Listen, do you have
a 21-inch color t.V.?

'Cause a guy just
carried one out of here.

No.

So, were
you shoppin'?

What?

Were you shoppin'?

Oh, I just picked up
a few things after work.

You're workin'. That's great.
Where you workin'?

I just...
Oh, it's nothing.

I...

Tell me,
where you workin'?

I got a job working
at a record company

in... in the publicity
department.

Yeah? Well,
that's good.

It's no big deal.

Oh, no, it is
a big deal.

It is. That's good.
That's a good thing.

Yeah.

And you look
healthy.

So...

What is it, dad?

Why are you here?

Yeah, well...

Grandma...

Left you some money.

$13,000?

Grandma had $13,000?

Yeah.

It was
probably more,

but that's all I could
get from her pimp.

Well, it's made
out to you.

Yeah, well...

When grandma made out
her will, years ago,

I was still the
executor of you...

You know, from when
you had your trouble, so...

So I endorsed it
right over there.

This will really help.

I can't believe
she did this.

Well, she loved you.

She always thought
the world of you...

And no matter what
was happening with you,

you know...

She...

She just loved you.

And like that,
you know?

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Call your mother, huh?

Ok.

Ok.

All right.

Susan.

Where's that
double take?

Come on, I'm goin'
on in a minute!

Perfect.

So I come home,

I find my wife in bed
with my best friend,

so I said, "Lenny,
i have to, but you?"

I kid. I kid.

I'm kidding you all.

Guy goes into the
doctor's office, right?

He says,
"doc, I got 5 penises."

Right? Doc says,
"how do your pants fit?"

He says, "like a glove."

I got to tell you,

this is a great audience,
but these pants...

There's a pair
of pants here.

What is this,
let's-wear-anything day?

Have you seen this?

This man's
a walking garage sale.

Look at these pants.

You know what I'm sayin'?
What stinks?

Some... there's
a perfume here

that's... is
it you, ma'am?

No.

That eau de bayonne you're
wearin' there? But...

No, it's lovely makeup.

Who puts it on,
the ringling brothers?

Looks like an opera
broke out on your face.

You got too close when
the avon lady exploded.

But there's a guy over here
that I can't believe.

I mean this in
the nicest of terms.

Is that a toupee?

No.

No. Well, I, for
one, was fooled.

Looks like
somebody stapled

a Danish to your
head, you know?

Yeah?

Hello, buddy.

Hello, Stan.

How are you?

It was a good show.

Yeah,
they were good.

No, you were...
You were really sharp.

Everything was
right on the beat.

Well, it...
It felt good.

You know, i-I've been
playing these places,

and, uh,
it's been ok.

Yeah, I saw in the paper
that you were here.

Oh, yeah?

Did you see Elaine?

Yeah.

You know, usually, she
don't like the... the clubs

and the traveling
and, uh...

But it's nice
that you're together.

Yeah...

Yeah.

And what's this?

Oh, this is, uh...

A painting that I did.

Really?

Here. It's for you.

It's for me?

Thanks, Stan.

Should i
open it now?

Yeah.
Yeah, sure.

Yeah?
Go ahead.

It's good.

It's very good.

Nah, you know,
it's just a...

Thing I...

Is that the only jacket
that you brought?

Yeah. Why?

Because the other
jacket was funnier.

You know, I got
to tell you, Stan,

seeing you walk into the
back of that room today...

It just made me feel...

Sick to my stomach.

I thought I'd lose my lunch
right on the stage.

Did you see
what I did there?

You thought
i was gonna say...

That I was overjoyed
to see you again...

But I took you
the other way.

I saw.

But you said you, uh,
you liked the act, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

You know what was
really good

was, uh, the
ringling brothers.

Oh, yeah, well,
that occurred to me

right on stage.

What, right then?

Oh, yeah. I went with it
right then and there.

Well, it was very funny.

Oh, yeah, you know,
i always used to say "circus",

but I went
more specific.

Well, it was
very funny.

It was better, right?
Don't you think?

Much better.

Yeah, I loved it.
Hi, honey.

Then I rolled over
to that other guy.

Oh, what, the guy with the...
With the toupee?

Well, you're
being kind.

I, for one,
was fooled.

He looked like
an old q-tip,

this guy.

W-w-well, I...
I just hammered that.

You know, I mean,
i had to.

But... but it was
good-natured.

It was good-natured
hammering.

They loved it.

They loved you, honey.

They had a great
sense of humor.

And they had
a good time.

Oh, sure.

Well, what I was doing,
forget about it.

Cannon shots.

Yeah, but one
after another.

Wow.

It wasn't even fair.

It wasn't fair.

You know?
I had a good time.

I thought it was strong.
I felt vital,

and I did 48 minutes.

It takes me
that long to pee.

Did you write
any of this down?

I didn't bring
a pad.

Great.

♪

♪ When you're smilin' ♪

♪ when you're smilin' ♪

♪ the whole world
smiles with you ♪

♪ and when
you're laughin' ♪

♪ oh, you're laughin' ♪

♪ ooh, then the sun
comes shinin' through ♪

♪ when you're cryin' ♪

♪ you bring on the rain ♪

♪ stop your sighin' ♪

♪ won't you be
happy again? ♪

♪ when you're smilin' ♪

♪ keep on smilin' ♪

♪ and the whole world
smiles with you ♪

♪ buddy ♪

♪ buddy ♪

♪ we hope we'll have
a buddy you can muster ♪

♪ 'cause buddy's
our buddy ♪

♪ and remember what
we did to custer ♪

♪ and remember what
we did to custer ♪

♪ so if you want a heap
of big laugh from t.V. Set ♪

♪ just sit back with
your favorite squaw ♪

♪ and a big chief
cigarette ♪

♪ 'cause the sioux and
the crow and the arapaho ♪

♪ and the Pawnee all agree ♪

♪ that buddy ♪

♪ buddy ♪

♪ he's the funniest
paleface on t.V. ♪

♪ on t.V. ♪

♪ on t.V. ♪

♪ look out,
here comes buddy ♪