Original subtitles

My mother was trying to kill us...

With fat.

With fat?

Oh, sure, I mean, with that food.

I mean, this is way before cholesterol

and that whole bit. You know, I mean,

7-year-olds were having heart attacks.

See, but you ate it because she said

the same thing to you every meal...

"Clean your plate.

"Children in Europe are starving.

"Eat everything.

"Children in Europe are starving," right?

So, I go to Europe for the first time.

You know what I see? Fat schlubs.

Everybody... Big beasts waddling,

eating everything, with an accent.

I mean, I forget... I never believed my mother

from that day on, I'll tell you.

But the food was sensational, right? I mean...

But you didn't even call it by it's name, the food.

You called it by what it did to your body.

I don't get you. Well, you say, "hey, ma,

"pass me some of that burning sensation

"I'm having in my colon."

You know, it's funny

because a lot of the comedians that I've interviewed,

their humor centers around food,

around the family dining room table.

Well, yeah, sure. That's because

most of their families came from Russia,

see? And in Russia, they had no food.

I mean, sand was a beverage.

I mean, like, in my family,

my uncle schmuclich, when he came here

and saw a supermarket for the first time,

he proposed to a brisket.

Well, there was talk he had to.

See, but for me, my family was like, uh,

dances with Jews.

Oh, sure,

we had names for our relatives,

like they had in that movie.

What do you mean?

Well, we had "eats with his hands,"

"spits when he talks,"

"makes noise when he bends,"

"sweats like a pig,"

"whines in the can..."

Ok.

"Never buys retail,"

"shaves his back."

Now, were you always funny?

Compared to you, yes.

Let me give you a fashion tip.

The pants go on the bottom.

Where's my drummer? Ba dum-da.

Now, so... so you got your humor from the family?

Oh, yeah. My father had a great sense of humor.

He died when we were kids.

He was always doin' stuff like that.

What a kidder.

No, no, no. Who was your biggest influence?

All of them. The entire herd.

They were a joyous people.

See, they spoke yiddish,

which is a language of coughing and spitting.

So until I was 15, i lived in a raincoat.

When did you start performing?

After dinner.

Oh, sure, after all the food

in the entire world had been eaten,

the tow trucks would come and take the relatives

into the living room,

and that meant it was showtime.

My brother Stan and I

would perform for the relatives.

We loved to make them laugh,

and that's where it started for me.

And who would think,

that from that living room in Brooklyn in the '30s,

to CBS in 1956,

and I would have my own television show?

I mean, it's incredible to...

Excuse me.

That was something i ate as a child.

Oh, sure, I mean, i remember...

The Coleman comedy hour

is on the air.

Starring...

Buddy young, Jr.

♪ Buddy ♪

♪ buddy ♪

♪ we hope we'll have a buddy you can muster ♪

2 minutes!

2 minutes to introduce buddy!

Damn it!

Move that damn horse!

What the hell is this?

Come on!

Buddy doesn't want to do that, ok? He doesn't want to do that.

Stan! Hold it a second.

So make sure the cue cards get the change.

Get him the other jacket from rehearsal 'cause it's funnier. Go.

How can a jacket be funny?

How can you be unemployed? Go! What?

Where's buddy? What?

I got less than 2 minutes!

Oh, Jesus.

Cue announcer!

Tonight, join buddy and his guests,

Patti page...

Hi, Stan!

Hoagy Carmichael,

and the krolpaynter jugglers.

Buddy!

Buddy...

Stan!

You've got one minute!

Oh, Jesus! See you later!

Bye, buddy.

What the hell are you doing in there?

I was workin' on the opening monologue.

What? In the girls' chorus room?

Yeah! Come on!

No, they loved it.

They're smart. Two want to direct.

The time, buddy.

My brother, the maniac.

Stan, you worry too much.

Excuse me. It just came to me.

I'm gonna kill 'em! It won't even be fair!

Hey, buddy!

What? You want a picture? Ok.

Not now. Now!

Hey!

Ok.

Sorry. How are you?

Special appearance by Mickey mantle.

Hello, everybody!

Hi, daddy!

Susan, where's that double take?

Mmm.

Needs work.

Hi! Where you been?

I was workin' on the opening monologue.

It's gonna be great. Hello, mama!

Here, hip, hip, hip.

You look great.

Thanks. Gotta go.

Gotta go be famous. See ya, see ya.

Bye, kid. Keep smilin'.

Bye, ma. Ma, ma, no, ma. Ma, no. Ma.

Not now, mom.

Makeup!

♪ Just sit back with your favorite squaw ♪

♪ and a big chief cigarette ♪

I got it! I got it! Stan, it's me.

Here, put on this jacket!

This isn't the right one!

This is a funnier jacket. Put it on.

♪ Buddy ♪

♪ he's the funniest paleface on TV ♪

it don't fit! It don't fit!

What did you do? What did you do?

Nothing. It's not the same.

What did you do with the... with the...

See what I did? Huh? Huh?

Thank you.

Fasten your seat belts,

put on your crash helmets...

Because here he comes...

Is he gonna say, "America's favorite new funnyman?"

No. Stan...

Mr. Saturday night!

Better.

Thank you.

Hurt them.

La, la, la, la, la, la.

Get outta here.

Buddy young, Jr.

♪

Look at daddy, uncle Stan.

What's the matter, buddy? Having a bad day?

A bad day?

Don't get me started!

Ah, don't get me started on today, I'll tell you this.

Actually, it started last night, folks.

I had a little fight with my wife.

Nothing serious. 3 police cars.

Mommy, is this true?

No, honey. It's just a joke.

Ok.

I'm gonna tell you folks what really happened

because we're friends now.

Last night, i come home,

I found my wife smooching and kissing

with my best friend.

Ooh!

Yeah. So I said, "Lenny, I have to.

"But you?"

Mommy, is this true?

No. It's just a joke, honey.

Ok.

And my daughter's no genius, either.

Oh, don't get me started on her.

It's just a joke, honey.

It's just a joke.

Yeah, she's 6.

She'll be 7 if I let her.

Every morning when she gets up,

"daddy, I got a headache."

It drives me crazy.

"Daddy, I got a headache."

So I said, "look, when you get out of bed,

"it's feet first."

See, then the show just went on from there.

You know, that was a great night.

That was in 19... Ba-ba-ba-boom.

I'll tell you that right now.

No, that was the night

that the network called me "Mr. Saturday night."

Yeah, and you were on for how long?

An hour. And then gunsmoke...

Now, how do you like t.V. Today?

Terrible. Because my reception is so bad...

I had that cable guy with the belt cleavage

come over and give me a snowstorm

on every channel.

10 minutes, buddy.

Ok, good.

Oh, i-I'm sorry, i should get out of here.

You've got a show to do. Ok.

Ok. Nice meeting you.

Pleasure to meet you.

Ok. Ok. Bye-bye.

Remember, feet first.

Ok.

How's the crowd?

Comin' in.

Great.

Jesus Christ, Stan.

What is this, a civil war reunion?

They're a little older.

A little older?

These people built the pyramids.

You said there'd be singles.

A lot of them are single.

Yeah, because whoever they were with is dead.

What are you complainin'? It's jammed up.

Yeah? So's my ass.

You booked me into a condominium,

for Christ's sake.

Gotta be wearin' a tuxedo

at 1:00 in the goddamn afternoon.

Comedy's a nighttime thing, Stan.

You can't be funny Durin' the day.

There are no dayclubs, there are nightclubs.

They're not funny on the today show,

they're funny on the tonight show.

So work slowly. It'll be nighttime.

Buddy, you do the bakery bit.

They'll pee in their pants.

They're doin' that anyway. What the hell do they need me for?

Now, listen to me, buddy,

don't... don't get nasty out there.

All right? Not this time.

These are... these are nice old people.

Stan, I'm shocked.

Do you think that i would honestly

go out there, huh,

and... and insult these people, huh?

Do you honestly think

that I would walk out there and say,

"good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

"so what's it like to outlive your kids?"

I wouldn't say that, Stan.

I wouldn't say, "excuse me, ma'am,

"Moses called. He said you're a great fuck."

Come on, Stan, i wouldn't say that.

I wouldn't do that to you.

You gotta have a little faith in people.

Ok. I was just checkin'.

Yeah. Good.

Thanks.

Stan, would you get me my soda, please?

Uh-huh.

And, uh, you know, leave me alone

for, uh, the rest of your life?

I'm just kidding.

Did you see what I did there?

Yeah.

Put on this jacket.

Yeah? Yeah.

Hey, Stan, you ok?

Yeah. Sure.

Hurt them.

La, la, la, la.

Guys, how many of you still have your prostates?

How many?

Not you, lady.

Unbelievable.

Nah. I'm just kiddin'.

You're a good sport.

By the way, Moses called...

That big fat woman in the front,

that big tub there

that looked like she had her own climate...

Buddy, enough already, ok?

Couldn't get her to laugh, couldn't budge her,

couldn't even get her to smile.

She had had a stroke.

Then what is she doing in the front?

Don't come out. Stay home.

Have a sponge bath.

Have somebody read to you.

But no, I get tubs 'r' us.

How did she get in the front row, anyway?

Are you screwin' her?

Come on, let's get somethin' to eat,

for Christ's sake.

Oh, boy.

Oh.

I ate too much.

I'm gonna go home and shit a waiter.

"Shit a waiter."

So, how long have you been working

on this Marcel marceau imitation? It's very good.

Come on, what's with you today?

Buddy, I, uh...

I got some bad news.

What is it? Mom?

No. She's the same.

Oh, Susan then. She's in trouble again?

No, no. You know, that kid...

We lost the cruise.

The ship, the whole thing?

That was my winter.

It was 2 months' booking.

I know. I... I... I didn't wanna tell you

before you had to do a show.

What happened?

Well, they told me they've been getting

a lot of younger people, and...

They wanted a younger comedian.

Boy, oh, boy.

Huh?

That was my winter.

That was my nuts and berries, you know.

For Christ's sakes.

So, what else we got cookin'? How about the poconos?

There's all of those hotels in there.

We could do a tour.

Listen, there's somethin' else.

You're not gonna like it.

It's bad timing, and...

But I've been Thinkin' about it, you know.

It's something i gotta tell you

sooner or later.

Oh, boy, listen to this setup!

Come on, Stan. Cut to the punch line.

I'm retiring.

What are you talkin' about?

I found a place in Florida...

When? Today?

No, no. A couple of weeks ago, you know,

when I thought that you were set for the winter.

Why? Why would you do this?

I... I'm tired.

I... I mean, at least when...

When roz was alive,

I'd come off the road,

there'd be someone there,

and now there's no one.

Now there'll still be no one,

and it's gonna be humid.

Look, my kids are down there,

people our age are down there.

You know i wanna paint.

So what happens now?

Well, I... I buy the place in Florida,

I... I ship the furniture...

No, to me! To me!

What happens to me?

Huh?

I mean, how the hell does this happen?

How does a brother quit on a brother?

Buddy, I'm... I'm not quitting on you.

I'm... I'm just retiring.

I mean, I just want to live however long I have left

the way i wanna live it.

For god sakes,

we've been doin' this since we were kids.

I think I gave it a pretty good shot.

You deserve a good shot,

leaving me when I'm playing condos

in the goddamn afternoon.

That's all i could get.

Because you don't push.

Because you never were strong enough, Stan.

For Christ's sakes,

you let them cancel my show

because you were afraid to stand up to them.

They hated you.

They hated you. You... you offended the whole country.

It was the same thing with the Sullivan show.

Don't you ever mention the Sullivan show.

I worked a year to get you on that show.

Right. And look where you let 'em put me.

♪ I wanna hold your hand ♪

You next?

Yeah.

Jesus.

What does that mean?

So please welcome buddy young, Jr.

What does that...

Go! Go! Go!

Ok.

Ok.

Knock it off.

You're excited?

I just bought a house.

Where's Ringo?

Shut up.

Please.

Please, just look...

But what we need is love today.

I love you, John! I love you!

And what I need is a machete,

so I can come down there

and cut your pimply little heads off.

If I had your face,

I'd be screaming, too, you poodle.

A year I waited for this shot, ed,

and you put me on after the Beatles?

There you go.

I can't believe this.

Come on.

Stop doing that.

Cue the band.

Cue the band. Cue the band.

What are you playing me off for, ed?

I got good stuff here.

Hey, hey. Come on! I got...

Hey, ed, you dead man in a suit!

Hey, get your hands off me, you son of a bi...

That was a chance for you,

but you did what you always do...

You screwed it up

with nastiness, and craziness,

and I'm supposed to clean it up.

Well, I am tired of being the guy

that follows the elephant act with a shovel.

Don't flatter yourself.

Buddy... it's over.

Answer me one question,

and be perfectly honest with me.

What? Am I still funny?

Oh, buddy, don't do...

No, no, no. 'Cause i will trust your opinion.

If you say to me that I'm not funny,

then I will also retire tonight, right here.

I'll eat a goddamn litchi nut and go to bed.

But if I am funny, then you're a goddamn quitter,

and you're letting me down.

Tell me, am I funny or am I not funny?

Will you stop? Am I funny or not?

Would you just stop it already?

Tell me, am I... You're not that funny!

Read your fortune, Stan.

You know what? I'll read it for you, huh?

"Get out of this restaurant,

"you bald, jealous fuck."

You know how many agents, big shots,

begged with me, pleaded with me, to let them represent me?

And I said, "no. I can't leave my brother.

"I have to let him drive my career

"completely into the ground."

Buddy, you're out of your mind.

You know what? It's better this way.

I'll go with a big agency. I'll have my career again.

So, good. So, what do you want me to do?

So, get out of here. So, go.

Go ahead. Go. Go!

You're really going?

You see what i did there?

Yeah.

I saw.

♪

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Uncle moe...

Uncle moe, you look good. You...

You look like New Jersey in pants.

Oh, Stan, look what we did.

Now ma, she's laughing.

You know what that means.

The arms. There go the arms.

Ok, ok, ok.

Ok.

Ok. Ok.

Ok.

Whew.

This is uncle moe

and uncle Julius

every morning at the bakery.

We're killing 'em.

I know. Just don't rush it.

Just watch me.

You... you ordered too much!

No, you ordered too little.

You ordered too much.

You ordered too little.

I don't do that!

Ptooey!

You're spitting in the cookies!

It makes them moist.

♪

This isn't gonna work, abie.

This is not the living room.

They don't know uncle moe.

They don't speak yiddish.

It's not gonna be funny to them.

It is funny. We're gonna make it funny.

No, we're leavin'. We're going home.

What?

Stan!

Stan!

Stan!

We can't go. I already changed our names.

What? Yeah, yeah.

We're Stan and buddy young.

See, yankelman was too long...

What?

It's better.

No, look, you... we don't belong here.

We're funny at home.

You're frightened.

I can't believe this! Stan...

Every night in bed, this is all we talk about.

Look, I'm sorry.

Let's just go home.

Ok. Fine.

Go. Go home. It's ok.

I'll do it.

What do you mean, you'll do it?

I'm gonna do the act.

It's our act. It's for 2.

Who's gonna do my parts?

I'll do both parts.

Abie.

Buddy.

You're gonna be out there by yourself?

Yeah.

Well, then wear the bigger jacket.

Why?

It's funnier.

Yeah? Ok.

You guys ready?

Yeah. Oh, wait, wait.

There's a slight change.

It's not the young brothers.

It's just buddy young.

Junior.

It's better.

Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!

Let's hear it for Alberto and lupe!

The fabulous tubmans!

Hey, I haven't seen dancin' like that

since they hung my brother.

Don't leave.

We're the same blood type.

Hurt them.

Give a nice welcome to a fabulous kid.

Very funny, we hope.

Here he is...

Mr. buddy young, Jr.

♪

We take you...

We take you now to a, uh, a, uh...

The final scene at the end

of the movie king Kong,

where, uh, the great ape is... is lying

at the base of the empire state building,

and we turn to, uh, to Karl denim.

Mr. denim,

was it the machine guns that killed him?

Machine guns?

Feh!

You get it?

He was dying.

So are you!

Quiet. He's just a kid.

He stinks. He don't belong up there.

Uh, who said that?

I did!

Sir, would you mind standing up, please?

Please, stand up, yes.

Thank you. Whoa!

Look at you. You're New Jersey in pants.

Y-you know, I'd like to show you something

that you probably haven't seen in a very long time...

Your feet.

No, I'm kidding. I kid the bloated. No.

No, but seriously, seriously, though,

there are some things

that you should really learn how to say...

Like...

"I'm full."

Thank you. No, please give a round of applause

for our special guest,

the hindenburg.

Thank you.

You have no taste.

Let me tell you about my uncles.

They own a bakery.

You probably heard them.

Ptooey!

You're spitting on the cookies.

It makes them moist.

Don't get me started on them!

Then, then there's my aunt rose.

There's a beautiful lady.

She has her makeup put on at the circus.

Who's that?

What?

Dad.

What are you doing here?

What am i doing here?

I live here.

What are you doing here?

Is mom all right?

Shh! She's asleep. She's fine.

We went to the movies together,

and I stayed here.

I thought you were in Florida.

I was.

Your uncle Stan screwed up.

So, what's with you?

You get kicked out of your apartment again, or what?

No.

If you must know...

Mom gets scared

to be alone at night,

so she asked me to stay here.

Scared? She never said anything to me about...

Well, she does.

It's just so typical that you wouldn't know that.

Don't start.

Ok?

Not today.

Thank you for staying with your mother.

If she had said anything to me...

Well, it's hard to say anything to you, dad,

because you're always talking.

Ok, here we go.

My daughter, the paper cut.

Always talking, huh?

You didn't mind my talking

when I said to the judge,

"your honor, I'll pay the store

"for everything she shoplifted.

"I'll get her into rehab, your honor.

"I'll pay all of the court costs,

"and look, here's a little something for yourself."

You didn't mind my talking then, huh?

Where are you going?

Away from your mouth.

What did I say?

What... you're in your pajamas.

I'll get a cab.

Susan, you goin' out like that?

Hey, do what you always do.

Don't worry about me.

Susan, would you j...

Buddy?

Yeah, it's me.

What are you doin' back?

Well, there was a little mix-up,

but everything is ok. Don't worry.

Glad you're home.

Yeah.

Did you see Susan?

Yeah, yeah. We, uh...

We had a really nice chat,

and she told me to tell you

that she's leaving early in the morning

before you get up.

Ahh...

You hungry?

Nah. I had, uh, I had some Chinese with Stan.

Are you all right?

Oh, sure, sure.

You know, it, uh, it just takes me a little time

to get the excitement of a show

out of my system, you know?

I'm still coming down

from that show I did at grossinger's in 1950.

All right.

Come to bed. I'm cold.

Shhh.

♪

♪ Aah... ♪

♪ ah-ah-i ♪

♪ hot, hot, hot, hot ♪

♪

This is why i love the catskills!

Huh?

Can you believe these schmucks?

But I love this audience.

Everybody has been absolutely great,

except this guy right over here.

What is with you? Have you...

This man passed away, and no one has told him.

Smile. Have a... Are you havin' a good time?

Tell your face!

Come on! Pep up! Pep up!

Look at this guy.

This is what happens when cousins marry. Huh?

But don't get me started on that!

Good night, everybody!

♪

Hey, how you doin'?

All right.

Great job.

It went great. Felt great.

I can't believe you. Where'd you come up with

the circumcision bit?

I just made it up, and I went with it.

I mean, what did I say?

I don't know. I wrote it down. I got it right here.

Jesus, you were strong tonight.

I know. I killed 'em, i murdered them.

It wasn't even fair. I mean, except for that one guy.

What guy?

The guy in the front. I couldn't even get him to laugh.

Buddy, 528 people laughed their asses off.

You're worried about one guy 'cause he's from NBC?

The guy's from NBC? I murdered him! I insulted him!

See what I did?

I made you think it was a network guy, but it wasn't.

See what I did? I crushed your larynx!

Listen, uh, I got... I got some things I should do.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna get goin'.

Ok. Before you go, listen, listen...

Table 8, polka-dot dress.

I think she's sitting with her parents.

Yeah?

Bring her back. I want to meet her.

Wha... th...

Table 8, polka-dot dress,

bring her back... Now...

Before she goes into menopause.

Buddy...

You know, i... I don't... I don't...

I don't like doin' this.

You know, I mean, get your own women.

Oh, come on, Stan. I'm up on stage,

you know, that's one thing.

If I go out in the audience...

W-why you makin' a thing out of this?

I wasn't. Don't make a thing.

What do I ask you to do that's so difficult?

I ask you to drive when I have a headache,

watch the act,

and bring me a girl after the show.

Are you overworked?

No, I'm not overworked. Would you like an assistant?

Come on, now. Churn those chubby legs.

Well, I'm gonna see if she wants to come back.

No. Handcuff her. Of course, "if she wants."

Hey, Stan. There's plenty of guys

who want to be my brother.

But they're all in bellevue.

Ohh...

♪

What do you think?

Excuse me, sir, my name is Stan yankelman,

and I was wondering if your daughter

would care to dance.

Ooh!

Eugene!

Yankelman?

We used to know a yankelman family.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a pediatrician.

Oh! Elaine,

show Dr. yankelman

some of those dances you learned in college!

Subtle as a train wreck.

I'd be happy to.

It was nice meeting you all.

So, what's your name?

Elaine gimbel.

Of the department store gimbels?

No, of the "we'll get that spot out,

"and you'll have it back Thursday" gimbels.

So, where'd you go to college?

Hunter. I graduated a few years ago.

Hunter? Really?

Oh, well, then you must know professor feingold.

Does he teach there?

No, he does a memory act in the poconos.

But, really. He could remember

everything that he wore for the last 40 years.

It was a strange, strange act.

You're not... really a pediatrician, are you?

No. No, I, uh,

I'm a theatrical agent.

Really? Oh.

Yeah. I handle some of the acts

up here at the hotel.

I handle buddy young, Jr., and...

You're his agent?

Yeah, I'm his agent... And his brother.

But you said your name was yankelman.

Well, I changed it when i went into show business.

Your brother...

Did you... did you like him?

I loved him. He's so funny.

The best I've ever seen here, really.

Well, I... I... I help him a lot with the act.

I write some of the material, and...

Could I meet him?

Yeah, sure.

Over here.

Hi.

Elaine gimbel, I'd like you to meet buddy young.

Nice to meet you. How you doin'?

Pull up a cockroach and sit down.

Elaine really enjoyed the show.

Oh, you're the one.

No. Everybody was laughing.

Not the one guy in front.

Stan, before you go...

Elaine, have you ever had

a roast pork sandwich on garlic bread?

No.

Well, tonight is your lucky night!

Welcome to your life!

Stan, you'll call Manny's, right?

Tell him it's 2,

it's me, a nice quiet table,

and we'll be on our way.

Are you hungry? What would you like to eat?

My parents...

I would rather eat the sandwiches.

I'm sure your parents are very delicious people,

but parents at this hour, they lay there.

No, really, I have to tell them I'm going.

If I'm gone an hour,

they'll give my blouse to my brother

and have him sniff me out.

Whoa, base hit up the middle!

Runner goes to 3rd on that.

Very funny, very funny.

I'll be right back.

Ok, here. Right over there.

Oh, she's cute!

She looks a little young, don't you think?

What am I, a redwood?

And smart and funny. Did you hear that joke?

Buddy... You should get a girl,

instead of sittin' in the room all night.

I can't do this anymore.

Do what?

This.

This. This. What I... What I do... Schlep work.

Like you said, i drive the car,

I watch the act...

Stan, I didn't mean anything by that.

You know, it's after the show,

stuff is still flyin' out of my mouth...

Well, face it, buddy, I'm the...

I-I'm the brother.

What do you want to be? The cat?

Fine. From now on, your name is buttons.

I'll get a little tinkle ball you can roll with your nose.

Maybe I should start my own agency,

handle some other acts. That way...

Stan, what are you talkin' about?

I need you.

Nobody can do for me what you do.

Stan, if it wasn't for you,

I would be much more successful.

Did you see what i did there, huh?

Did you notice that?

Yeah.

I saw.

Stan...

Stan, everything that we dreamed about as kids

is startin' to happen.

Please, don't leave me.

You know every night when you bring

the fat lady up from the audience

and you ram her in the ass with your head?

Yeah? You're doin' it wrong.

How many ways are there to do it?

You're tippin' the bit.

You're makin' the face before you ram the ass.

I did not.

Yes, you did.

Don't tell me. Shut up.

Don't tell me. Shut up.

Don't tell me. Shut up.

Don't tell me. Shut up.

Don't tell me.

Don't tell. Shut up.

Don't tell. Shut up.

Ok, I'm ready.

Hi. Did you get prettier?

Stan, did she get pret... Stan.

Stan, wake up. Stan,

Elaine, I'm talking abou...

Try to stay awake a little while.

Go on, get out of here.

Elaine, these sandwiches are amazing.

Roast pork, yet they're kosher.

I don't know how they do it!

Buddy, funny tonight. I thought I'd die!

Maybe next time.

Good night, everybody. See you tomorrow.

♪

♪ You look at me ♪

♪ and then the song begins ♪

♪ played on a million velvet violins... ♪

Wow!

Excuse me.

See? They're great sandwiches.

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

I can't believe i did that.

I'm so embarrassed.

It wasn't that bad.

A couple of boats capsized, but, uh...

Whew!

Ohh.

So tell me,

how is a woman wearing your face

still single?

Oh, god, you sound like my mother.

Oh, it's the night air. Gives me that rasp.

"Darling, we're so proud of you."

You know, I think we have one big relative

that we all share.

Oh, it's true.

"This is what we sent you

"to college for?

"So you could be 25 and still single?

"Your sister rose doesn't have half your looks,

"and she's married."

You're 25, and you still come up here

with your parents?

Well, the hotel has spinster rates.

Wow! Double off the scoreboard.

2 runners score on that.

You're very funny, Elaine.

No...

No, you are. Yeah.

I'm trying to make up with them.

They're angry at me.

Your parents?

I was supposed to get married last month,

and I backed out.

Oh.

My dad lost the deposit.

It was a nightmare.

I said, "dad, look on the bright side.

"Now 140 cornish hens don't have to die!"

Who were you supposed to marry?

Herb, "the shower door king."

I was at his coronation!

It was a lovely affair.

Oh, he was all right. He was...

A putz?

The biggest.

All he ever talked about was shower doors.

You know, i started thinking,

this is the rest of my life,

listening to him whine

about what New York City water

does to a chrome finish?

My parents pushed and pushed, but...

It's not what I want.

What do you want?

Ed, "the toilet seat czar"? He's available.

I don't know what I want.

I don't even know what there is.

♪ ...one little angel that I'll stand by ♪

♪ fantastic ♪

♪ fantastic, that's you ♪

does your brother bring you a girl after every show?

No, no, no, no.

See, I... I...

I saw you... From the stage,

and I wanted to meet you.

So Stan went, you know,

to get you, because

I... I was, you know, had to change.

This isn't an all-the-time thing, you know.

Stan and I spend all our time workin' on the act.

We don't have a lot of, uh...

What are they called?

Women. Hmm?

Mm-hmm.

So, what's it like?

What?

What you do... Being a comedian.

I just can't imagine standing up there

in front of all those strange people.

It's what I do. You know, it's my job.

It's an odd job, but it's my job.

I mean, some nights are better than others.

It's so strange. Like last night,

I couldn't buy a laugh. I mean, nothin'.

The audience just sat there.

They were like, uh, nuremberg with drinks.

And it's the same exact show that you saw!

I mean, I came out,

and I said, "good evening, ladies and gentlemen,"

and a guy in the front row

looks up at me and says, "oi, English."

But then there are nights like tonight...

Where I... wow, i was like...

I don't know. I... I...

I was like Joe Louis, you know?

I... I came out, started to jab,

you know, just feeling 'em out...

"Hey, where you from?" You know?

"What a crowd!"

Then I moved in. Body shots...

"Lenny, I have to. But you?" Boom!

"We use the camel to ride to town, sir."

Boom!

Then it went right to the head, the bakery bit...

"You bought too much!" Boom!

"You bought too little." Boom!

Roumania, roumania. Boom! And I got 'em.

They're mine. They can't take any more.

It's the best feeling in the world.

Until now.

What?

Table 8...

Polka-dot dress...

It's get... it's gettin' a little late.

You know, your... your parents...

Yeah.

Hey, I got married!

Yeah, it was a beautiful affair.

9 killed.

We had a little accident on the dance floor.

My aunt Sheila spun out of control

doin' the bunny hop

and wiped out the entire smorgasbord.

The rest of the relatives

were on their best behavior.

Yeah, they ate until their heads exploded!

You should've seen 'em. They ate everything...

Silverware, candles...

They... they were like goats in tuxedos!

♪

♪ When you're smilin' ♪

♪ keep on smilin' ♪

♪ keep on smilin' ♪

♪ and the whole world smiles with you ♪

But I love this town!

I love las Vegas, yeah.

I come here to visit my money.

I got a great system.

You wanna know how you can beat

the gambling problems here?

Soon as you get out of the plane,

walk into the propeller!

Las Vegas is the only town in the world

where you can arrive in a $5,000 car

and leave in a $20,000 bus.

I'll tell you that.

But, hey, I hit a jackpot the other day.

I became a daddy!

Yeah, born right here in las Vegas

at our lady of the 2-drink minimum.

No. She's pink and soft and...

She's an eraser, basically.

My wife gave birth to an eraser!

I'll tell you, folks,

I look at my little girl,

how tiny she is, and I think,

how can something you can hold in one hand

give you such a thrill?

Then I remembered what it was like

when I was 14

and I used to lock myself in the bathroom!

But don't get me started on that!

Aw, she's so cute. What a thrill.

I'll never forget what my uncle moe

said about little girls.

He said, "officer,

"she said she was 18!"

But I'll tell you, folks, there's nothin' like it.

Nothin' in the world.

My favorite time is when the baby's asleep,

you know, lookin' all cute and innocent

and there's a little bit of moonlight

coming through the window, shinin' on her face,

and it's quiet.

All's right with the world.

And only one thought is goin' through your mind...

What stinks?

What the hell stinks like that?

You know what it is?

It's this lady in the front!

Nice face, madam.

You look like a toches with lipstick!

But don't get me started on that!

Good night, everybody!

What a night!

Oh, what a view!

You can see my whole career from here.

I mean, there was the capitol theater...

And the Paramount...

And over there was the Latin quarter.

Oh, the Latin quarter was always a hot room for me.

And then we'd go to the metropole, hear some jazz,

then end up at Lindy's, get a piece of cheesecake,

and lie about how good we did.

Yeah. Great days.

Yeah. It's great to see you, Phil.

You, too, buddy. Come on.

Ahh, boy.

I was surprised to hear about Stan.

Is he all right?

Oh, sure, he's fine. You know, I... I said to him,

I said, "look, cookie...

"You've been workin' your whole life.

"Relax. You know, go down to Florida.

"Be with your children.

"Paint your pictures."

You know... He carried on...

"I can't leave you, buddy.

"I don't want to leave you, buddy."

Oh, it broke my heart.

But it was time for him to retire.

I mean, he's gettin' up there.

Yeah, yeah.

So I gave him a couple of bucks.

Yeah, a couple of bucks. I, uh...

I set him up with a condo.

That was a lovely thing to do.

He's my brother. You know, he's a classy guy.

What, are you kidding? Stan is class.

I mean, you open the dictionary

under "class," it's his picture.

Hey, when I was just a young pisher,

schlepping acts up to the catskills,

Stan took me under his wing.

He taught me how to be an agent.

Stan.

So, what can i do for you?

Well... you know, you always said

that you liked the act.

What, are you kidding me?

Who didn't love your act?

Just the other day, i was saying to...

Somebody...

"Remember buddy young, Jr.?"

And they got all excited.

Oh, yeah? Who was it?

I'm not...

Well, where were you?

It was at the... You know, uh, with the tables.

Well, did you say I was funny, and they agreed,

or did you say my name,

and they said i was funny?

I mean, how did it work?

Either way. W-what's the difference?

The point is, you're a legend.

You're a giant.

You're the comic's comic.

You look in the dictionary under "funny,"

it's your picture.

Well, I... I appreciate that, Phil.

I really do, I mean, especially comin' from you.

So, I was Thinkin', maybe, uh, you know,

you want to take me on, you know, handle me.

I don't need much. I mean,

just a little kick in the ass to get it over the top.

Hey, hey, buddy, do I want to handle you? I owe you.

I owe you.

The business owes you.

You know, with all due respect to Stan,

I always thought you should've been bigger.

Now, maybe i shouldn't say that.

No, no. I hear you. I hear you.

So, come with us.

We'll do, we'll make, you'll be.

Great.

Let me set something up

for later in the week.

It'll give me a chance to come up

with a game plan. Uh...

How's Friday?

It's like today, but later.

Ok, 1:00, lunch...

Friar's club?

Unless you'd rather eat someplace else.

Yeah, off Madonna's breasts,

but you got to call so far ahead for reservations.

Funny.

Yeah. Berle said I'm not topical.

Sidney. Sidney,

who do you have to screw to get a vodka?

Me.

Make it a ginger ale.

Are you guys gonna order lunch,

or is this one of them Jewish holidays?

Ah, now you're talkin' sense.

Listen, uh... You guys order,

because I, uh, i got a lunch.

I'm meeting somebody.

Who?

Who? It's a person, that's all. It's a someone.

Tell us. Who is it?

Phil gussman, all right?

Phil gussman?

My god, that's terrific.

Phil gussman's comin' here

to have lunch with you?

It's the strangest thing. He calls me out of the blue,

said he heard about Stan,

how I bought him the condo and the boat

and the whole thing.

Anyway, he says he wants to pitch me a few ideas.

Well, you know, I thought i was gonna take this year off,

but, listen, I'm not stupid.

I'll listen to what he has to say.

I don't blame him.

Oh.

Hey, how you doin'?

Buddy. Good to see you.

What a coincidence. What?

I was just over at the museum of natural history,

visiting your act.

You look sensational. Thank you.

You still combing your hair with the exxon valdez?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Funny. Funny, buddy.

Seriously, though, jer, i got to ask you something.

It's upsetting me. I just heard about it.

I want to know if it's the truth or not.

What?

You and Dean broke up?

What did you do? What did you say to him?

Did you open a mouth?

What... what happened?

It's 36 years ago.

Really?

Of course.

My goddamn paper boy.

If it's not on the roof, it's in the bushes.

That's funny, buddy.

It's great to see you, Jerry.

Good seeing you, buddy. Good seeing you guys.

Sidney, another pitcher of Hawaiian punch

for the kids' table.

Remember, fellas, breathe in, out...

In, out...

Where you goin'? France?

France? I didn't plan on it,

but, yeah! Oh, I'm gonna go on a trolley!

I'm going now!

Clear the area!

France!

Who was that?

Looked familiar.

Mr. young?

I'm Mr. young.

How nice to meet you.

I'm Annie Wells. I'm from I.T.I.

Yeah?

Phil asked me to apologize for him.

He had to fly suddenly to the coast,

and he asked me to fill in for him.

When's he gettin' back?

I'm not sure.

When Phil gets back, then I'll see him.

I think he was hoping you and I could get together.

I have a table right over here.

Sure.

Excuse me.

I do have a 1:30,

but we can get to know each other.

This is a very unusual room. What is it, a club?

Yeah, it's a club...

Miss, uh... Jones?

Wells. Annie Wells.

What are you?

You know... I mean, what do you do?

I'm an agent at I.T.I. I handle comedians.

Now, here's what I thought we could do today.

You could give me some sense

of what you'd like to be doing.

You know, how do you see

the buddy young Jr. career developing from here?

Who's Harry ritz?

Jack Carter? Um...

Phil silvers? Myron Cohen?

Sheckey Greene? Perky stiles?

Dick Shawn?

I'm... I'm sorry. Am I supposed to know these people?

Yeah. You are supposed to know these people,

because they're great comedians. Great.

Comedians who loved to be on a stage.

Professionals who could take an audience

like they were a herd of wild buffalo

and move 'em into a corral. Masters of a craft.

Well, I guess they were before my time.

Everything was.

Look, miss...

If Phil wants to give me the brush, ok...

But he don't have to send you,

"30 seconds over show business,"

to do it for him.

I'm 40 years past "so tell me about yourself."

Mr. young, I assure you, everyone at the agency

is very excited about you.

No one is very excited about me!

I'm not excited about me!

Sweetheart...

Tell Phil that if he looks in the dictionary

under "lying, rat-faced, two-timing,

"chicken-livered pricks,"

there's his picture!

Look, obviously,

there's been some sort of misunderstanding.

I went to Phil for help.

I never had to do that before.

He dances me around the office, you know,

and I get a little excited.

There's somebody who believes in me.

So we set up this meeting. Then I look up,

and there's this embryo in a dress

who don't know me from a goddamn salami!

Good-bye, Mr. Young. It was lovely to have met you.

Go take a shit with your clothes on.

I got no winter. Excuse me.

You know? I lost my winter!

Hello?

Hello. Is, uh, this Elaine young?

Yes.

I got your name off a men's-room wall.

It says, "for good soup, call Elaine."

Hi, buddy.

Hi, baby. How you doing?

Ok. Good.

Are the clubs nice?

Oh, great, great. Good bookings.

Good places, yeah.

Well, how's it goin'?

Oh, I'm killin' 'em.

Yeah? Really.

Last night, i shot a guy,

made all the papers.

Are you feelin' ok?

Well, I had a little problem.

My hair set off the metal detector

at the airport. It's those clips.

Hey, you know what... What place I drove by?

What?

Remember the 300 club in Boston?

Remember I played there in, like, uh,

19-ba-ba-ba-boom.

Boston?

Yeah, come on. Remember? I had a great show there,

I was all excited after the show,

and you and I made love

right on the makeup table in my dressing room.

Don't you remember?

Buddy... That wasn't me.

It...

You see what I did?

I made you think it wasn't me, but it was.

Yeah, you're pretty funny for an old bag.

Where are you?

I'm in a small town.

It's, uh, called "resume speed."

I miss you.

Yeah.

Buddy, are you all right?

Sure, sure.

It's just a little quiet.

So, this guy goes in a doctor's office.

Doctor says to him, "i got good news

"and bad news," see?

Guy said, "well, uh...

"What's the good news?"

Said, "the good news is you got 24 hours to live."

He says, "that's the good news?

"What's the bad news?"

He said, "i forgot to call you yesterday."

Did you see what i did there, ma?

Stan? Oh, Stan is great, yeah.

He's the president of France now.

Oh, yeah. You should've seen him.

They had this big revolution.

He led them, wearing a beret,

wavin' a big piece of French bread.

He loves what he's doin'.

Mrs. gershen, would you please hold it down?

I brought the ice skates, and we'll go.

A promise is a promise.

Me, I'm doin' sensational.

Sensational, ma.

I played a place the other night.

You know what they loved?

Remember that routine i used to do about grandma and grandpa

on the porch at silver beach, arguing over who's sicker?

Remember?

"What are you talking, a fever?

"106 is not a fever.

"I was dead for 6 months, and I never missed a day's work."

Yeah, they loved it, loved it.

Big laughs, just like in the living room, ma.

It's not so good, ma.

Things aren't so good.

So, you folks do drugs? You do drugs or what?

Yeah!

Yeah? Oh, that's something to admit

in front of a group of strangers, you bonehead!

If your I.Q. Gets to 80, sell, brother man.

What'd you do today?

Well, I smoked a couple of joints.

You want to come with me?

Where you goin'?

I told you 3 times,

I'm goin' over to see Susan.

Watch your pocketbook.

Buddy.

Look, maybe another time, ok?

I'm very tired,

and I'm not in the mood for her hostility.

Well, then take a walk.

You're, like, glued to that chair.

See a movie. Steal a car. Just do something.

Drugs are a waste...

You believe this guy, Elaine? Look... look at this guy.

He's performing in front of people,

and he's dressed for a felony.

I mean, look at this.

Buddy...

You call these jokes? You call this comedy?

Bye. I mean, who wrote this crap?

All right! You guys call yourselves comedy writers?

Call yourselves ex-comedy writers!

You're fired!

You're fired!

You're fired! You're fired!

I don't work here!

You're hired!

Now you're fired! Get outta here!

Buddy...

Oh, here's the head genius!

I don't want to see you guys anymore! You got it?

Come on, Woody.

2 minutes...

You're fired!

And get that bird outta here!

Lorraine! Now! Out!

They rewrote my opening monologue.

I told them to do it.

You changed my monologue without asking me?

Buddy, you can't do the other monologue.

The sponsor will go crazy. We'll lose the show!

We're losin' the show now! We're dyin' here!

Look at these ratings, heh? Look at this, Stan.

First, we're number 3. Then, we're number 8.

Then, we're number 11.

Now you can't even goddamn find us!

Here, we're right here! We're 36!

36? That's good? From 3 to 36, that's a good thing?

It's... it's just temporary. You got Davy Crockett

against you for a few weeks.

It's a fad. It'll go away.

You don't even see it, Stan. You don't even see what's happening.

We're losing the show! They're gonna cancel me!

Buddy, I spoke to the network.

They're a little concerned about the ratings,

but they're more concerned about you!

Me? Yes.

They're worried about me? Yes.

I'm workin' like a horse here!

I'm doin' everything, and I'm getting no support!

I can't get a decent joke!

I ask the fuckin' kid for a fuckin' sandwich...

Wait a min... What?

I asked for Russian dressing

on both sides of the bread!

Is that too much to ask for?

Buddy! Don't "buddy" me!

For 7 years, Stan, i played every club,

to every audience.

Audiences that couldn't speak English.

Audiences that wouldn't laugh, couldn't laugh,

that were physically incapable of laughing.

Bowling balls with ears!

And I'm not goin' back there, Stan!

One minute, buddy!

You're fired!

Damn it!

I'm gonna do my monologue!

I'm the one who got me here!

I'm the one who'll keep me here!

Hi, daddy!

Get this off! What's the matter with you?

What do you let her wear this for, huh?

Buddy, what are you doing?

Ahh!

Get out of my way! Get outta here!

Buddy, I forbid you to do that monologue!

You're forbidding me?

Stanley... let's each do what we do best, huh?

I'll tell the jokes,

you'll get me a soda when I'm through.

Ok?

Now, which jacket's funnier?

Doesn't matter.

♪

Come on.

Give me the jacket! I'm on!

And now, the star of our show...

The kamikaze of comedy!

Fasten your seat belts,

and put on your crash helmets

because here he comes...

Mr. Saturday night...

Buddy young, Jr.!

Thank you!

Thank you very much,

and good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, how about that whole Davy Crockett thing, huh?

Don't get me started!

Yeah, don't get me started on that schmendrik

with a dead animal on his head.

I got news for you...

His moccasins never touch the ground.

Why do you think

there are only men at the alamo, huh? Huh?

I'm tellin' you, "king of the wild frontier?"

How about "queen..."

What?

Uhh!

What'd you do... Forget something?

Harry ritz was the funniest of the ritz brothers.

He used to say, "don't holler!"

Jack Carter was a nightclub comedian.

He was known as the comic's comic.

Phil silvers was a genius...

Sergeant bilko, burlesque, top banana.

Buddy young, Jr., was Mr. Saturday night

and the only man who ever told me

to take a shit with my clothes on.

That's Dean Martin, Tommy lasorda...

Uh-huh... Old blue eyes,

and yours truly, old liver spots.

Who's that?

Oh, that's me.

What? Oh, yeah.

That was Durin' the '60s.

That's, uh, uh, during my political period. Heavy satire.

That was taken at a club in San Francisco.

Yeah, it was a... It was a good time

'cause there was... For a comic then,

there was so much goin' on...

You know, the whole Vietnam bit,

that folk-music fiasco that was goin' on.

Yeah. I once punched Joan baez

in the mouth at a peace rally.

She started it. Wasn't a fun decade.

What is that?

Oh, that's my album.

Disco Jew.

Wow.

Oh, no, no. It was a big hit.

It went zinc.

It was a, uh, parody of that movie,

the Saturday night fever movie, you know?

And, uh, we made up songs, you know?

♪ Oi, oi, oi ♪

♪ I'm almost alive, almost alive ♪

♪ oi, oi, oi ♪

♪ I'm almost alive ♪

I got a night fever, you know, stuff like that.

It was a lot of laughs.

And this?

Oh, that's my daughter Susan.

Yeah, that was taken in las Vegas

in 19-ba-ba-ba-boom, I'll tell you that right now.

Yeah, I used to bring her up at the end of the act, right?

Sit her on a stool, beautiful pool of light,

and I'd sing this song to her...

♪ You're sugar, you're spice ♪

♪ you're everything nice ♪

♪ 'cause you're daddy's little girl ♪

tears streaming.

Mayhem. The audience didn't know what hit 'em.

W-wait. You want to see somethin'?

Yeah. Yeah.

Where...

Here.

Here.

Take a look at this. Here I am on-stage,

doin' a number, and that's what won me

entertainer of the year, las Vegas, 1958.

So you have 2 daughters?

No. That's a girl that i hired to be my daughter

when Susan didn't want to do the act anymore.

Yeah. It was a good bit. Really strong.

Yeah. Hmm.

I'm Thinkin' about puttin' Susan

back in the act now, you know, but, um...

I think it loses somethin'

when you sing to a twice-divorced,

middle-aged drug addict.

You know, it's not quite as moving somehow.

Sit down.

I have a son who's a lawyer. Very big.

Yeah, he lives anywhere I'm not.

Anyway, uh...

So, why are you here?

I mean, I'm a very busy man.

In a half-hour, i give myself an enema.

It's festival seating.

I want to get you some work.

Look, I know i wasn't nice to you

the other day at the friar's...

No, no, no. Phil... Phil... Phil was wrong

to do that, um, and I told him.

Ok, whatever.

But I'm through.

There's nothin' out there for me.

You don't know me.

My clients work.

Sure.

But if you're not interested...

Thanks.

Annie, right?

Yeah.

Annie.

Get me in front of an audience.

Any audience.

I'm dyin' here.

Every night i go to bed,

there's a little less of me.

I'll get you an audience.

So, I come home, i find my wife

in bed with my best friend.

So I said, "Lenny, i have to. But you?"

Oh, yeah. Let me ask you a question, folks.

How many of you actually speak English?

Show of hands here.

Hands. Hands. It's the thing at the end of your sleeve.

Yeah. Oh, good. I'm working Ellis island here.

Has he ever done a warm-up before?

Um, not per se. Per what, then?

He's doing well. He's getting laughs.

But he's edgy. I don't like this.

Anyway, uh, these 2 Polish dwarfs go into a...

Yeah, yeah, sure. Ok.

Uh, we're gonna start this, uh, ring a bell,

get a cookie, talk to a dog,

win a pile.

I've had piles. It's not such a prize.

I'll tell you that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're gonna bring, uh,

the host of the show out now.

We're going to bring Fred out, and, uh...

How are you? Nice to see you.

Yeah. Ok. So, what we're gonna do is this...

When Fred comes out,

let's give Fred a big, big standing ovation, ok?

See? Anyway,

so put your hands together,

and on the count of 3,

let's make him feel at home and we'll all say,

"Fred, what's with your fuckin' hair?"

What? What did I say? What did I do?

Here we go! Stand up! Stand up, goddamn it!

Let's do this.

1... 2... 3...

Fred!

What's with your fuc...

I opened for durante. I opened for Sinatra.

I don't open for win-a-bedroom-set on a farkuckta game show.

It's a good thing.

A lot of up-and-coming comics do warm-ups.

It's a great way to start out.

Darling, I'm not starting out. I'm finishing up.

There's a big difference.

Nothing on me is up-and-coming,

I'll tell you that right now.

Get me a real job,

a real thing where people are coming to see me.

Have you ever acted?

Roll it.

Speed.

And action.

"Having fun, sweetie?"

"I sure am, because

"with these new extra-absorbent 'secures, '

"i can eat and drink all I want

"and not have to worry about

"bladder control.

"For the first time in years,

"i can relax and have a good time.

"And so can you.

"To feeling secure."

Great. All right. Let's put it on film.

Uh, hair, makeup, wardrobe, do what you have to do.

Buddy, you're great!

Listen, I'm very embarrassed about this.

I... I... people'll think i have this problem.

No, they're not.

They'll think you're a good actor.

No, but it's not funny. I'm not funny.

Buddy, we talked about this.

Now, I need film to show people.

Clients are already talking about using you

for something else.

Would you do me a favor, please?

Would you look at them once and smile?

You're wonderful.

I'm not funny.

You're very charming.

This is picture, people.

Quiet, please.

Ready.

Everybody settle.

Speed.

Rolling.

101, take one.

Background action.

All right, now, buddy, make me love this.

And... action.

"Having fun, sweetie?"

"I sure am, because i just dropped 2 crab cakes

"into my shorts and nobody knows."

Cut it!

See what I did?

Listen to me.

Will you just listen to me?

I'm angry at you. Don't eat while I'm angry at you.

I worked very hard to get you that job.

What did you do that for?

Look...

It's a comic's job

that if he sees bullshit, he says "bullshit."

Buddy, that's not an answer.

You don't understand...

Buddy.

Stan.

What are you doin' here?

I... I... I thought you were in Florida.

I've been tryin' to find you. Where you been?

I was... I was workin'. I...

Annie, this is my brother Stan.

Buddy...

Mom died.

♪

At this time,

if anyone would care

to say a few words

about rose yankelman,

you'd be welcome.

Stan, say something.

You do it.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Ahem.

What can you say

about someone who gave you life?

You know, when my brother Stan...

First told me that our mother had passed away...

My first thought was...

Did you get her recipe for kugel?

The woman lived in the kitchen.

Seriously. She had a bed put in there and everything.

Until I was 15,

I thought my name was "taste this."

I'd blow my nose,

and gravy would come out.

Yeah.

She was everything for us.

She cooked for us. She cleaned for us.

She had sex with our father.

I'm sure that was no picnic.

Remember the arms on her?

She had these gigantic arms that...

Th-they weighed more than me and you, Stan. They did.

They were... they were like flesh curtains, these arms.

She looked like a Jewish Batman.

You know, just this big... cape.

When she waved good-bye,

it sounded like 5 people applauding.

When we were kids,

we could sneak into the movie theater

hiding behind those arms.

The loews pitkin in Brooklyn.

Am I right, Stan?

Remember?

But when she held you in those arms...

It was the safest place in the world to be.

I loved makin' her laugh...

Because she had this laugh...

Big... big beauty...

Laugh, you know?

It would hit you like a wave at coney island.

I've done a lot of things in my life...

That, uh...

But I...

Know...

That I made my mother laugh.

Hmm?

She was 91...

And she went too soon.

You know what just occurred to me?

What?

We're orphans.

What's gonna become of us, Stan?

What if they take us to the orphanage

and the big kids try to beat me up?

You know, you look good...

For you.

Oh, yeah. I... I feel ok.

Yeah? Yeah. Not bad.

Florida's good?

Yeah.

Weather?

Occasionally.

When you goin' back?

Tomorrow. Oh.

You know, I just... I had to settle mom's estate.

What estate? You take the housecoat,

I'll take the slippers. We're done.

No. She had a little.

I set her up with some things, some accounts.

Yeah?

There's a check here.

I want you to have it.

It's $13,000.

Oh, no, Stan. This is too much.

We should split this.

No, buddy. Really, i want you to have it.

There's a lot of dough here. Stan...

Listen, buddy, the thing with the cruise...

I felt bad.

I left you without a winter.

So please take it, and then I won't feel bad.

But you could use this.

No. I'm fine. Over the years,

I stole thousands from you.

You see what I did?

Yeah, I saw.

Thanks.

Stan, you know, I've been watchin' that old t.V. Show,

the Patty Duke show.

What, that girl?

No, Patty Duke. I been watchin' it from Atlanta.

What were you doin' in Atlanta?

I wasn't in... Patty Duke.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's confusin' me...

Identical cousins?

How the hell is this possible?

Weren't the Germans workin' on something like that?

But I tell you, this Patty Duke's sexy.

Patty Duke is sexy?

Yeah. Remember the theme song?

"Patty likes to rock 'n' roll,

"a hot dog makes her lose control."

There's a date I want.

Bartender, I'll have a vodka and tonic

and a Hebrew national for the young lady,

and keep them comin'.

So, this is what you do all day?

You watch television?

Yeah. What do you do down there

besides retaining water?

What's a day in the life of Stan?

What? I... I get up...

Good idea.

I have something.

A cup of coffee with 9 sugars,

and you do the cha-cha for 5 hours. And then?

I go to the club.

I play golf with some friends.

You have friends?

Yeah, I have friends. You know, they come with the condo.

You get cable or friends.

I took the friends.

Over cable?

In the afternoon, i paint.

The light is good.

It's... it's just right.

And I sit by myself,

and I, uh, take the phone off the hook...

Who's gonna call?

That's it. What's the sense in talking to you?

Ok. All right. I'm just playin'.

I'm just playin' around, Stan.

What do you do at night?

Sometimes I baby-sit my grandchildren,

and, um...

Also, I'm seeing a woman.

What, like, through a window?

You're like...

Boris Becker here.

I'm... I'm hitting lobs,

and you're smashing them back at me.

No, really? You're seeing a woman?

Yeah. What, like on dates?

Yes. We go to the theater, we go to dinner.

Has she seen those steamed clams you call balls?

Buddy, you're a child.

You're a big, wrinkled child.

What is the matter with you?

It's not a matter. I'm just playin'.

I'm worried about you, Stan. For god sakes,

there's all of these

sexually transmitted diseases out there.

Most of which you started.

Double off the wall. Come on.

We'll sit down on your laugh here.

You know, I... I talked to this, uh, Annie person.

You know, she likes you.

She'll...

I'm dead.

I got cancer of the career.

It's inoperable.

But it's good timing.

I'm out of 8 x 10s.

Look, buddy...

If it's over, you know,

let it be over.

Enjoy what you had, and just...

I never got the act perfect.

You know? I never got it just right.

Oh, buddy, don't start.

Why couldn't it have happened, you know?

I wanted it so bad.

To be the guy who,

when he walked into the friar's,

everybody turns around,

and they say...

"Why him, that lucky bastard?

"I'm funnier than him."

I wanted to be that guy.

You know?

I still do.

There you are!

C-come on!

Don't forget to marinate it first.

Would you get out of the cab?

Oh, boy.

Look... look at you. Look at what you look like.

I took a nap. It got late.

Didn't my assistant tell you this was important?

Hey, what are you doin'?

I could get excited. I could get an erection.

It could kill me. Stop!

We're meeting Larry meyerson.

Who's that?

Who is that?

The hottest director in Hollywood!

Listen, I'm having dinner with him last night,

and I mention your name,

and he goes insane. It turns out

he's the buddy young fanatic of the universe.

He knows all of your routines.

He worships you. So?

So, he's casting a picture.

There's a big part.

The character is named buddy.

He wrote it to be you,

but he thought you were dead.

You mean I'm not?

Shut up!

Listen, big actors...

Their tongues are hanging out to play this part,

and he wants you.

Do you realize what this could mean?

I left my hair home.

Listen, i gotta go home.

Underneath my hat is bacon strips. It's a horror.

No, buddy! Come on!

No. There's a way that i like to meet people.

Buddy! He's waiting in here.

No, I can't go in.

You look fine. Come on.

Look at us. We're the barelli brothers here.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. I don't believe it.

How do you do? How do you do?

I'm Larry meyerson.

I love your work.

I'm buddy young, Jr., and you have no taste.

Thank you.

No, no, I'm just jokin'. Seriously,

I want to tell you, I'm a very, very big fan.

I have seen all of the movies.

They're fun for the entire family,

and, uh, do we order out,

or do we get to sit down here?

Oh, I'm sorry. Sit. Sit, please.

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm... I'm... I'm actin' like a... a fool here...

This is so weird for me.

What?

Well, I'll tell you what. 1956, ok?

I'm 8 years old.

I'm in... I'm in grossinger's with my family, we're having dinner,

and the door flies open.

Who walks in?

Buddy young, Jr., walks in.

Everybody in the entire dining room...

I don't remember how big it was...

Everybody stopped eating.

Now I know you're lying.

They never stopped eating at grossinger's.

No, it's true.

Never. They didn't even have tables there.

They had troughs.

People just... On their knees, going...

Miles of pickled herring,

which is not attractive in a mouth

when they're talkin'...

"Harry, have the waiter get me more onions.

"I want to smell worse.

"I don't smell bad enough with my breath."

You know, it was an amazing place.

Ok, this time... this time, they stopped eating, and they applauded.

You glided into the room.

We... it was like... It was like a king came into the room.

It was the greatest entrance i have ever seen in my life.

I... you... I ran up to you.

I'm... I'm 8 years old now, remember, ok?

I ran up to you and I told you

I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up.

Really? And wh-what did I say?

I'll tell you exactly what you said.

You turned to the person you were standing with,

you pointed at me, and you said,

"look what just fell out of my nose."

And that was funny to you?

Yeah. I... I was 8 years old.

Now I'm nervous about bein' in this movie.

Larry, is this funny to you?

Look. I'm Karl Malden.

"Never carry cash. Whatever."

How about this?

The girlie from star wars

with the bialys on her head.

"Luke. I need you, Luke.

"Give me the force."

Look. I'm a hasidic Baker.

"I'll have it Thursday for you. I'll have it Thursday for you.

"I'll have it Thursday.

"I don't got no pumpernickel.

"We're closed, you little bastards."

You can do this bit. You can do

that interviewing the basketball players

after the game,

you know, in the locker room.

You go, "hey, you played a great game.

"Really, not only that, you're a very impressive young man.

"I swear, I've never seen a poppy-seeded one.

"Look at you. You're a credit to men.

"Wait, wait. Look. Here.

"Now, you're Jewish."

There you go. Look, I'm literally...

I'm literally on a roll.

See, now, look.

Now I'm on a roll.

Now I'm uncomfortable.

Whatever. What a time.

So, Larry, I was telling buddy about this part.

Oh, the movie, right.

Sorry. I got so excited, I'm acting like a fan.

I am a fan.

Anyway, look. Here's the, uh, script.

I want you to take it home with you, ok?

Ok.

See what i did there? Huh?

That's called a lead-away.

You do the punch, then lead the audience away.

The greatest lead-away man in the history of ever

was fat Jack e. Leonard.

You don't even remember fat Jack.

Jack e. Leonard. No, I don't think...

Unless he's the same Jack e. Leonard

from the Jack paar show?

"Was the ground cold when

"you got up this morning? I certainly hope it was." Big fat guy?

How about Harry ritz, huh?

"Don't holler!"

So, um, in the script,

it's... it's clear which part is for buddy?

Yeah. Buddy.

Actually, the character is called "buddy."

You know, we were thinking about buddy when we wrote it.

I... until I bumped into Annie, uh,

I... I didn't know you were, you know, still around, and, uh...

It's the grandfather.

It's the largest part. It's a big part.

It's a very big part in the film.

Buddy, I have a really good feeling about you

for the part. I really do.

I just have to... I have to know

that you can read lines. That's all.

Look, I'm not looking for Olivier.

Good, 'cause he's dead.

You'd never find him.

Buddy, I... I... I really want this to happen.

I really have to get to the airport.

I guess I'm just gonna have to miss him.

Oh, that's a shame. Yeah.

Well, it was really good to see you again, Stan.

It was great seein' everybody.

I'm sorry i missed Jeffrey,

but Susan looked great.

Really. Is she, uh...

It'll be ok.

Yeah.

We really miss you, Stan.

So come on down.

Put buddy in one of those dog carriers,

and get on a plane.

We will.

Ok. Ok.

Do you think i let him down?

Of course not.

No, Stan. You worked like a horse for him.

He's just mad at you

because you have a life.

I have a life?

Yes, you.

He has you.

That's a life.

I would take that life.

I knew a long time ago

that he needed more than me.

He needs the show.

No matter how much i love him,

and I do,

he needs that extra little hug

that he can only get from strangers.

Well...

Go. Go.

Mmm.

Thank god you're still here.

Why? What's wrong?

Mom died again.

For god sakes, buddy, i... I got a cab waiting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Elaine, make some tea.

Buddy, he's gotta go.

I know. Make some tea.

Buddy, I got a cab waiting here.

I'm suffering from acute late.

What is it? I got to get goin'.

Yeah, yeah. This will only take a second.

I just had a meeting with Larry meyerson.

What, the director?

No, the gorilla breeder. Yeah, the director, schmuck.

He's the biggest director in Hollywood.

Come here.

He wants me to audition

for a big part in his new movie.

Buddy, that's... That's fabulous.

That... that is wonderful.

Yeah, but I'm lookin' it over in the cab, right?

And...

It's got a lot of words and a lot of emotions,

you know? And i have to audition.

So you talk to Annie.

You tell her to get you a coach or somethin'.

Buddy, you'll... You'll be great.

Listen, i-I'm sorry, but I'm so late.

I gotta... I gotta go.

I gotta go. Stan. Stan.

Stan, I was hopin'

that you would stay a few days.

You know, we have the shorthand.

You know, you know me.

Buddy, Friday's my grandson's birthday in Florida.

You know, Scotty. He... he's gonna be 3.

Stan, they'll hire a clown.

He'll think it's you.

Look, come here. Come here.

Buddy, I really...

What?

Shh. Shh. Shh.

I want this part, very badly.

This could be for me

what sunshine boys was for George.

It would be nice for Elaine.

She hasn't seen me doing so good in a long time.

Please, Stan.

Be with me.

Everything good that ever happened to me,

you were there.

Everything bad that ever happened to you,

I was there.

I was always there.

So be there now.

Yeah, but she'd be difficult.

She's terrific.

And she'd be perfect for this part.

She read the script, and she really likes it.

Did you call her? What did she say?

♪

Don't get me started.

♪ Da da da da da da da da da da ♪

what a night!

♪ Da da da da ♪

what does cheese say

when it has its picture taken?

♪ Da da da da ♪

where is the town of charter?

'Cause half the buses are going there.

♪ Da da da da da ♪

as Mrs. Einstein said to her husband Albert,

"what the hell do you know?"

Buddy?

I work alone.

I'm just kidding.

Hello, Larry. How are you? Nice to see you.

Annie, you know.

Hi.

And this is my brother Stan.

Hello.

Oh. Hi. Very nice to meet you.

Larry meyerson.

Yeah, Stan passed away 4 months ago.

I haven't had the heart to tell him.

Try to cheer down.

Anyway, I gotta tell you,

I read the script,

and it is really terrible.

No, I'm just playin' around.

It really is... Horrible. I'm shocked.

We had to hold it outside the cab

because of the stench.

Ok. Let's get started.

How do we begin this march to stardom?

Ok, buddy, look. Something's, uh, come up.

About, uh, 3 weeks ago,

we, uh, we offered the part to Walter matthau.

And he wasn't interested at the time.

Um...

This morning, matthau's agent called,

and he's doing it.

Show biz.

Oh, why didn't you call me?

We did try to contact you this morning.

No, no, no, you didn't. I was in my office all morning.

Annie. Annie. Annie.

Annie, can I talk to buddy for a minute? Ok?

Ok.

Thank you.

Now, look.

I still want buddy in the picture.

There's another part. You read the script?

Sure.

Ok. The doctor who comes in in, uh, act 3.

He has 3 big scenes. They're very good scenes.

Uh-huh.

I really think it's... I... I really think

buddy could score with that part.

Now, look, I know you prepared

the grandfather for today, ok?

So you could come in and read that,

and that will serve as your reading for the doctor.

Or if you want, you can take some time,

look at the doctor's part,

and come in and read that.

That's your call.

Whatever you want to do. Ok?

I... I really think this can work,

and I... I apologize for all the confusion,

but, uh... I hope you understand.

Hey, you got matthau.

That's secretariat. That's man o' war.

I mean, you got to bet on them.

Could I have one minute

to talk to my consigliere?

Yeah, of course. Sure. Take all the time you need, ok?

Ok. Thanks.

Did you get in touch with him or not?

Yes, I did.

And what happened?

What do you think?

I... I think it's still a great shot.

I... I think, uh, it could still lead

to a lot of things. Right?

This is a lousy situation. I'm sorry,

but this is a huge movie,

and it's a nice part. It is.

Yeah, well...

So what should I do?

Well, you read the grandfather part.

I mean, we worked on it 3 days. You're ready.

What the hell do you know?

Shut up. Don't tell me.

Shut up. Don't tell me.

Fell-fell-fellas.

Hurt them.

I'll do the grandfather part,

'cause I know it, and, uh, I'm already here.

Great.

All right. So let's do it.

Could I do the scene with the boyfriend?

You bet. Whatever you want.

Karen, read the scene with the boyfriend, please.

Can I stand up?

Sure. Good. I'll sit here.

Are you ready?

Go.

"Mr. Tannenbaum,

"i have something to tell you,

"and I'm a little nervous about it."

"Stuey, what are you nervous about?

"You're a good kid.

"My granddaughter likes you. I like you.

"Come on, talk to me."

"Ok. I...

"I got Julie pregnant."

"I'm really sorry."

"Stuey, go into the kitchen.

"In the refrigerator,

"there's a bottle of wine

"that I've been saving for a special occasion.

"Bring it here. Smash it against that table,

"and with the jagged end, ram it through my heart!

"I'd do it myself, but I've got arthritis.

"Get out of my house, you little sperm bank!

"I let you stay here with me.

"I let you change the channels

"in the middle of what I'm watching.

"I let you have the heel of the rye bread

"that I love so much. I gave it to you, stuey."

Give him the line.

This is my part, not the doctor.

Buddy...

I... I'm giving you beauties here.

Don't you see? I'm giving you beauties.

I mean, I know this part. I know this guy.

Look, buddy, I'm sorry.

I got every take, I got every rhythm, whatever you need.

I'm like a museum of comedy.

You want takes? You go to the take exhibit.

You want faces? You go to the face pavilion.

You want timing? I'm a Swiss watch.

Buddy, calm down. It's all right.

Why should i calm down?

It's a hit-and-run! I got run over here!

I'm sorry. He's upset. He gets a little upset.

Don't apologize for me, Stan! I hate that!

Let's take a break, and then he'll... He'll read the doctor.

I will not read the doctor part!

This is my part!

Jesus Christ, Stan!

Anybody can shit in your hat,

and you go, "thank you. It fits much better now."

Well, I can't wear that hat, Stan.

I'm takin' too many punches here.

If my life was a fight,

they would have stopped it by now!

So I'm stoppin' it. That's it.

I'm throwin' in the towel.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

The winner and still champion... show business!

Annie, you're a good girl

and a terrific agent.

Can I give you a little advice?

Represent the living.

Larry, no hard feelings.

Business is business,

prick.

Let's have lunch.

Um, I... I'll go talk to him.

No... I'll do it.

He would have been great in that part.

Ugh!

What are you doin'?

You did it to me again!

I was out of it,

and you sucked me back in!

My grandson is crying in Florida

so I could watch you do that crap again!

I hurt my back here.

You happy?

My leg!

Come on, help me up.

Please. Come on.

What are you, nuts?

Hittin' an old man like that! You schmuck!

You're crazy.

You're nuts!

You stupid shit!

God, I hate you.

You're... you're not a comedian.

You're a terrorist.

This time I was right. They had...

You're never right!

Even when you're right,

you're not right!

Everybody gets screwed, buddy!

Everybody got shit upon,

got bad breaks!

That is part of the business!

That is part of life!

You took every bad break

you ever got,

and you made it worse.

You gotta burn your Bridges behind you

and under you

and in front of you.

Every bridge!

Buddy, my whole life

I listened to you bellyache

about your luck.

Well, you are where you are

because of who you are.

It should have been you, right, Stan?

What?

Come on, it's a lot of years.

Why don't we at least say what it is?

Huh?

It should have been you instead of me, right?

You would have been better,

you would have handled things better.

You would have made it all better

than I made it, right?

You would have been nicer to Elaine,

if she had liked you that night

instead of me.

Come on, Stan,

you don't think I see

how you still look at her?

You're sick.

No, it had to be the way it was, Stan,

because you didn't have the balls

to fight me for her.

You had living room balls, Stan...

Funny in the living room, but that's it.

And I know how it looked to everybody...

"Oh, poor Stan. What a nice guy.

"Has to put up with crazy buddy, the shit.

"Why does he stay with him?"

But we know why, don't we, Stan, huh?

Because you had to be around it,

near it,

so I let you

because you're my brother

and you were brilliant, and it broke my heart

that you never knew what it felt like up there,

when it's good, when it's cookin',

you got 'em, they're yours,

you can take them anywhere you want,

you're powerful,

you prowl the stage like a panther,

it feels so good,

the laughs go right into your blood.

You can be a schmuck in the afternoon,

but you're the king of the night.

And every woman wants to fuck you,

and every man wants to know you.

You never knew that, Stan...

And I felt bad for you,

and I wanted you to at least

be close to it.

I didn't take your life, Stan.

I gave you one.

Yeah...

But you could have been nicer.

Dad, what are you doin' here?

Hi.

Did something happen?

No, no, no, no. Everything is ok.

I, uh, I just needed to see you for a second.

That's all.

Oh.

Well, you want to come in?

Uh, no. No, no.

This is... This is ok.

It's ok.

Listen, do you have a 21-inch color t.V.?

'Cause a guy just carried one out of here.

No.

So, were you shoppin'?

What?

Were you shoppin'?

Oh, I just picked up a few things after work.

You're workin'. That's great. Where you workin'?

I just... Oh, it's nothing.

I...

Tell me, where you workin'?

I got a job working at a record company

in... in the publicity department.

Yeah? Well, that's good.

It's no big deal.

Oh, no, it is a big deal.

It is. That's good. That's a good thing.

Yeah.

And you look healthy.

So...

What is it, dad?

Why are you here?

Yeah, well...

Grandma...

Left you some money.

$13,000?

Grandma had $13,000?

Yeah.

It was probably more,

but that's all I could get from her pimp.

Well, it's made out to you.

Yeah, well...

When grandma made out her will, years ago,

I was still the executor of you...

You know, from when you had your trouble, so...

So I endorsed it right over there.

This will really help.

I can't believe she did this.

Well, she loved you.

She always thought the world of you...

And no matter what was happening with you,

you know...

She...

She just loved you.

And like that, you know?

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Call your mother, huh?

Ok.

Ok.

All right.

Susan.

Where's that double take?

Come on, I'm goin' on in a minute!

Perfect.

So I come home,

I find my wife in bed with my best friend,

so I said, "Lenny, i have to, but you?"

I kid. I kid.

I'm kidding you all.

Guy goes into the doctor's office, right?

He says, "doc, I got 5 penises."

Right? Doc says, "how do your pants fit?"

He says, "like a glove."

I got to tell you,

this is a great audience, but these pants...

There's a pair of pants here.

What is this, let's-wear-anything day?

Have you seen this?

This man's a walking garage sale.

Look at these pants.

You know what I'm sayin'? What stinks?

Some... there's a perfume here

that's... is it you, ma'am?

No.

That eau de bayonne you're wearin' there? But...

No, it's lovely makeup.

Who puts it on, the ringling brothers?

Looks like an opera broke out on your face.

You got too close when the avon lady exploded.

But there's a guy over here that I can't believe.

I mean this in the nicest of terms.

Is that a toupee?

No.

No. Well, I, for one, was fooled.

Looks like somebody stapled

a Danish to your head, you know?

Yeah?

Hello, buddy.

Hello, Stan.

How are you?

It was a good show.

Yeah, they were good.

No, you were... You were really sharp.

Everything was right on the beat.

Well, it... It felt good.

You know, i-I've been playing these places,

and, uh, it's been ok.

Yeah, I saw in the paper that you were here.

Oh, yeah?

Did you see Elaine?

Yeah.

You know, usually, she don't like the... the clubs

and the traveling and, uh...

But it's nice that you're together.

Yeah...

Yeah.

And what's this?

Oh, this is, uh...

A painting that I did.

Really?

Here. It's for you.

It's for me?

Thanks, Stan.

Should i open it now?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Yeah? Go ahead.

It's good.

It's very good.

Nah, you know, it's just a...

Thing I...

Is that the only jacket that you brought?

Yeah. Why?

Because the other jacket was funnier.

You know, I got to tell you, Stan,

seeing you walk into the back of that room today...

It just made me feel...

Sick to my stomach.

I thought I'd lose my lunch right on the stage.

Did you see what I did there?

You thought i was gonna say...

That I was overjoyed to see you again...

But I took you the other way.

I saw.

But you said you, uh, you liked the act, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

You know what was really good

was, uh, the ringling brothers.

Oh, yeah, well, that occurred to me

right on stage.

What, right then?

Oh, yeah. I went with it right then and there.

Well, it was very funny.

Oh, yeah, you know, i always used to say "circus",

but I went more specific.

Well, it was very funny.

It was better, right? Don't you think?

Much better.

Yeah, I loved it. Hi, honey.

Then I rolled over to that other guy.

Oh, what, the guy with the... With the toupee?

Well, you're being kind.

I, for one, was fooled.

He looked like an old q-tip,

this guy.

W-w-well, I... I just hammered that.

You know, I mean, i had to.

But... but it was good-natured.

It was good-natured hammering.

They loved it.

They loved you, honey.

They had a great sense of humor.

And they had a good time.

Oh, sure.

Well, what I was doing, forget about it.

Cannon shots.

Yeah, but one after another.

Wow.

It wasn't even fair.

It wasn't fair.

You know? I had a good time.

I thought it was strong. I felt vital,

and I did 48 minutes.

It takes me that long to pee.

Did you write any of this down?

I didn't bring a pad.

Great.

♪

♪ When you're smilin' ♪

♪ when you're smilin' ♪

♪ the whole world smiles with you ♪

♪ and when you're laughin' ♪

♪ oh, you're laughin' ♪

♪ ooh, then the sun comes shinin' through ♪

♪ when you're cryin' ♪

♪ you bring on the rain ♪

♪ stop your sighin' ♪

♪ won't you be happy again? ♪

♪ when you're smilin' ♪

♪ keep on smilin' ♪

♪ and the whole world smiles with you ♪

♪ buddy ♪

♪ buddy ♪

♪ we hope we'll have a buddy you can muster ♪

♪ 'cause buddy's our buddy ♪

♪ and remember what we did to custer ♪

♪ and remember what we did to custer ♪

♪ so if you want a heap of big laugh from t.V. Set ♪

♪ just sit back with your favorite squaw ♪

♪ and a big chief cigarette ♪

♪ 'cause the sioux and the crow and the arapaho ♪

♪ and the Pawnee all agree ♪

♪ that buddy ♪

♪ buddy ♪

♪ he's the funniest paleface on t.V. ♪

♪ on t.V. ♪

♪ on t.V. ♪

♪ look out, here comes buddy ♪