Original subtitles

You got me stabbed and you kidnapped my little sister.

Get Mobeen here.

Just let me do things my way.

Stick to the plan - MY plan.

The only way you're getting out of here is with a fake passport.

I'm too big for this hole.

Yeah, you're filling the whole hole.

Mobeen's stolen cash from the Turks,

and he's ordered you a fake passport.

You just said it all in one sentence -

you just snitched me like that.

Fakhar Khan and Ola Akintola.

- Where is she, then? - Istanbul.

You are dead man, Mr Mobeenis.

OK, listen to me. Listen to me!

If you let me leave here today,

I will kill Khan for you.

If you don't kill Khan, we will kill you and everyone you love.

HE SPEAKS IN TURKISH

HE MOUTHS

MAN SPEAKS IN TURKISH

There's the guy.

Ah, look.

- Mobeenis rhymes with penis. - We get it, thank you.

- Hello, how are you doing? How are you doing? - All right.

DOOR SLAMS

So many sights to see, so many places to meet women!

You lot, don't mess this up for me.

- You brought a tiny guidebook? - Excuse me?

Did you bring your tiny suitcase and your tiny willy, too?

Piss off, Emre!

Have you even been abroad before?

Yes, of course!

Me and Mum went Isle of Wight last year.

That Isle is very white.

Almost racistly white.

Mobeenis, why the hell did you bring

- this silly little boy to kill the vibes? - I didn't bring him.

Right.

Gentlemen,

who wants some fun holiday items?

ALL: Yeah!

Let's go! Party time.

LAUGHTER

Lads.

- Yes! - Lads!

Whoa! Keep your bloody voice down, right?

Can I remind you, man, why we're here?

We're here to save Aqsa.

Not go on a bloodclaart stag do!

Eh - also to see my beautiful country. Yes?

ALL: Yeah.

Yes! Full of incredible culture and history.

CHEERING

And for Mobeen to kill Khan.

To shash ho ja, Emre chap ho ja.

- What? - What's he talking about, Mobeen?

I don't know what he's talking about, Barney-bear.

Harper's fine, thank you.

Well, it's actually a very short story.

Mobeen agreed to kill Khan,

so he didn't get died himself. The end. Thank you.

I can't understand why you have to put me in all your murderous plans.

This is going to be a true crime podcast.

Benim kief tea! Bu sizin bu!

Fuck you, bastard!

Pile of shit here, Mobeen.

You're dragging us into this shit pile with you, as per usual.

- Try this. It's, uh... Kief tea? - Kief tea, yeah, kief tea.

You can't distract us with food and drink, moontits.

Wow, that's delicious.

That's not the point, is it, mate?

Oh, that IS delicious.

- You've not heard the last of this, Mooney. - All right, all right.

I'm aware of that, Barney babes.

Stop it!

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, my cousin says he has information

that can help us locate Khan.

He will meet us at the accommodation.

Where are we staying, anyways?

Well, my cousin has arranged everything.

Do you know a luxury hotel called the Four Seasons? Yeah?

A penthouse with 24-hour room service and complimentary massage.

- Yes! - Yeah!

EMRE LAUGHS

Well, just around the corner from there

is the hostel where we are staying.

Bahan chuda...

I don't think the Four Seasons is around here, Emre.

We're a long way from Small Heath.

This is worse than the trap I was able to shop food from.

SHE SPEAKS IN TURKISH

Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't have any cash on me.

- SHE SPEAKS IN TURKISH - I haven't got anything on me. Sorry.

SHE SPEAKS IN TURKISH

- Sorry, me neither. - Sorry.

SHE SHOUTS IN TURKISH

What?

SHE SPEAKS IN TURKISH

- EMRE: - Boys, thataway.

- Go on. - What was that? - Weird.

Huh?

Great.

We're back in the bin again.

Hmm. It is quite prison-y.

It's still better than Saj's mum's house.

Such a be ghairt.

Is this the best you could do, Emre?

I'm sorry. It looked better in the pictures.

Anyway, guys, this trip is going to be very special.

Now, I leave you to give Mobeenis the bollocking.

I love it when you tell him off, the naughty, cheeky boy.

Uncle, I have much better place for you.

I love this bastard.

I've never heard him say he loves anything. Have you?

You're not staying here, bastard.

- Merhaba, burasi. - Mm? - Mm-hm, burasi.

We're not happy, Mobes.

You know you're sexy when you're angry.

I mean, YOU'RE just sexy all the time.

It's not fair, to be honest.

- What the fuck, Mobes? - Oh, come on, man.

I'm not going to kill anybody. I'm not going to kill Khan.

We don't kill people. Say istagfarallah.

- BOTH: - Estagfurullah.

We just need to get little Aqs and get home.

But, listen...

I don't want to be that guy, but...

..what did that auntie whisper to you in the street out there?

- From where I was standing... - Mm?

..it felt a bit black magic-y.

- Don't say that, Mobes. - I have to say what I have to say.

Black magic? Don't make me laugh. Who believes in that?!

- I 100% believe in that shit. - Me too.

- Don't call it shit. - You're right. Istagfarallah.

Look, do you remember Ikky Singh, one of your kids?

- Oh, no, no, no, no. - From West Brom.

- The one that went mad? - Yes.

His shit started when he came to Turkey 15 years ago, OK?

Apparently, a little auntie just like that

whispered something in his ear.

- Don't say it. - I have to say it. - No, no, no, no, don't.

- When he got home... - Mm-hm? - ..remember what happened?

- Don't. Don't, Mobes, please. - He went missing.

And they found him in a graveyard

at midnight...

NATE WHIMPERS

..eating raw chicken, naked!

- Then what? - He went missing again. And they never found him.

EMRE SHOUTS, THEY SCREAM

Why screaming?

Why are you screaming?

THEY SCREAM

- Shit nikal gayi. - Oh, my God.

Boo!

Could've just pretended.

- EMRE: - Anyway, guys, change of plan -

we have to meet my cousin at his hammam.

- Emre! - I know, I know.

But it's in a beautiful spot near the Blue Mosque.

Let's go. Uncle.

I really, really love this bastard.

Why can't you all be like him?

Where he even come from?

Fucking Narnia in here.

- WHISPERS: - Mobes...

- Mobes, Mobes, Mobes. - What is it, bro? What?

I think it was black magic.

- Don't say that, cuz. - Sh.

Bro, but I feel weird, man.

I think I'm possessed.

Don't.. You're not, you're not. It's just... It's the weather.

- It's hot - you're dehydrated. - No, bro, bro.

I...

I think it's koro.

- What's koro? - Oh...! This is mad...!

- No, I can't say. - Say what it is, say what it is now!

- No, no, no. - What is it!?

It's...it's when...

..it's when your tings, yeah, disappear inside...of your body.

It's deadly. And I can...I can feel it.

- It's withdrawing, my willy is withdrawing. - Don't say that!

Withdrawing, it's...

You ain't got this koro thing, have you?

- I feel weird, you know? - Don't say it. - I'm not myself.

- WHISPERS: - Black magic.

You know, all you man had to do was give that auntie five quid

and you could have avoided being demonically possessed.

- Get off. - No, don't go, don't go, don't, don't...

Mobes!

Hello, sister.

This is for you.

Please don't demonically possess me.

Don't worry about them - it's too late.

But me, leave me out of it.

OK. Salaam. Thank you very much.

- I don't feel right. - Oh, my gosh.

Excuse me - can you stop molesting the barrier?

Listen, listen, listen, listen.

Listen. Can you hear it?

- What is it? - Why does it sound like that?

- It sounds good to me. - No, no, no, no.

It's doing dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

- Can you hear it? - I can hear your heart.

- Bro, I can see everything, bro. - Huh? - I can see everything, bro.

All these sound like really good medical things to have.

Wait, give me some lines to impress the ladies.

Leave it with me.

I can give you some lines that will get a big reaction from women.

Yeah? Yes, appreciate you, bro.

You're welcome.

- WHISPERS: - Mobeen, Mobeen!

- What? - It's him.

- Who? - The guy from the airport.

- Who you talking about? - He followed us.

Maybe that's the one that gave us koro.

Oh!

It was tight when he first saw us.

The devil's been following us, guys.

And he feasts on the blood of virgins.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.

You're dead, then, innit? Ha-ha, you virgin!

No, YOU better be careful.

He could be working for Khan, ready to kill you any minute.

- Shit. - Or he could be working for Hakan.

They would do you in if you don't kill Khan.

You know, you piss me off, but this makes a lot of sense, man.

Why are you saying this stuff?

- Smart guy, bro. - Mobes, Mobes, Mobes, Mobes, Mobes.

I'm serious, man. It's him.

Who?! There's, like, 8,000 people there!

Where's Shady?

- Uncle? Uncle? Shady? - Shady? - Uncle!

- The devil's taken Shady. - Why screaming?

- Shady! - Shady!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. - Nate!

Uncle? Uncle? Uncle ji? Kahan gaye ho?

- Give it here, bastard! Ice cream. - N'apiyosun?!

- Fucker! - N'apiyosun?!

N'apiyosun?!

- Uncle! - Fuck your ice cream.

- Wait, stop! - Bastard.

Ozur dilerim. Mad bastard.

Uncle! To evin hi pagl hay.

What we do here, first we start with the iliklik.

- I don't want iliklik, no. You want iliklik? - No.

- I'm not trying the iliklik. - Is good one.

It's a serenity room where we give you a soothing foot ritual.

Thank you for the offer, brother, but we're very busy,

we have to see his cousin, so...

Quiet, bastard. My feet need some soothing time.

This way. Only the best for you, sir.

We haven't got time... Please, where is your cousin?

We're running out of time here.

He is on the way. Just relax.

- Abi, arkadasi... - This way, sir.

- Why? - You're their carer, they're your care.

- OK, OK. - Enjoy it. - NATE:

Abi, su arkadaslara da bir bakar misin?

- Where they taking us? - Go, enjoy it.

Now, where they taking us?

Where are the chicks?

Absolute cock-fest.

Time to get to work.

We need to get out of here.

- I'm starting to feel funny. - Yeah.

You know when it gets really hot, I get the hornies as well.

Not like that!

Time for a massage?

Why you still in your clothes?

Cos he's been taking the piss out of

my jubbly-bubblies for the last 30 years. I never get them out, ever.

Either you get massage, or you give massage.

Thank you, brother. I don't want massage.

You get...or you give.

Prison rules, man.

I give.

- With you? - Yeah. - Oh, shit.

All right, good luck, man.

I'm slippery.

Aah!

Ow.

Get off me, Satan!

GRUNTING

You like spanky-spanky, huh?

CALMING OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYS

It's very good, bastard.

He's drowning us!

Hi! Hi, sorry to bother you.

Um, hope you're having a lovely day and everything.

I just wanted to say...

Kucuk bir penisim var ve annemle yasiyorum.

- Ne diyosun be sen? - Oh!

Gerizekali!

Oh!

- Smack me! - Huh?

- Again? - Yeah.

Oh, so good.

So nicely you do me.

- MOCKING: - Oh, so nicely you do me!

I've told you several times, Nathaniel,

this is a translation issue. He didn't mean to say it like that.

Yeah, sure, sure.

- Good to know you're feeling better. - I am, still. Huh.

Yo, Turkey's gyal are on it!

- On you? - Yes. - Impossible.

- I got five numbers. - Sure.

Thank you, sir. It was an honour.

Leave me alone, bastard.

You are not going to believe this, but...

..wrong cousin.

You taking the piss?

The right cousin is at the shisha lounge across the town.

We can be there in 20 minutes easy.

Emre, we're going to die of old age before we find my sister.

Look, where's Harper?

Harper?

I see what this is.

You've been sent here to collect me.

It's written all over your face.

Yeah, are you a dog living in a man's world?

Am I a man living in a dog's world?

Who knows?

You feeling better as well now, Harper?

Yeah. Bloody hell, I was out of it.

Shady's going to be out of it soon.

Black magic, kala jado, that woman put a djinn in you.

- Bullshit. - Tobah.

Are you seriously trying to tell me we were possessed?

Well, how else do you explain talking to wolves

in the middle of Istanbul, then, Barney?

Could do with some more of that kief tea, though.

Yeah, I can't lie, that tea was sick.

Shall I get some? Excuse me.

Merhaba, hosgeldiniz.

Hi, do you have any kief tea, please?

Kief tea? Ne hakla boyle birsey isteyebilirsiniz?!

Illegal!

- Huh? - Illegal, illegal.

- You hear that? - What's illegal? - The kief tea, bro.

Hadsiz!

- What's that? - So anyway, listen, me mum was like this.

- To the Lord, yeah. - To the Lord, cuz, yeah. - Allah.

- SAJ CLEARS THROAT - Yo, shall we put rukyah on them?

Oi, oi, oi, kief tea ingredients.

Cloves, apple spice, cinnamon

and cannabis crystals.

Oh.

Wasn't black magic - we were off our tits.

I still think we should do it to be safe.

THEY RECITE KORAN

I've literally just checked it, lads.

Stop blowing on things.

Yo. I'm going to go and check on that waitress you lot just upset.

Nasty boys.

I'M the nasty boy? Why is his hands always wet?

He's had that problem since primary school.

Erm...

Kucuk bir penisim var ve annemle...

EMRE LAUGHS

Bad words.

Fuck you, Emre. Bahan chud!

- EMRE: - Mobeen, we have to talk.

I've got to go talk.

Let me see that?

It's weed, bro.

I mean, that's a relief, though, innit?

I have news on your sister's location.

Finally. Go on.

At seven tonight, you will get a phone call.

Answer it.

He will give you, only you, the address of where she is.

But remember, Mr Mobeen, if you don't kill Khan

and we go back to Small Heath,

Hakan is going to kill you and everyone you love.

Better you have a plan when we go to the location for Mr Khan.

Enough good time holiday, holiday times - we got to go.

Come on, Mobeen.

Let's stay another half an hour, please, thank you.

Emre, one question -

when did you last have a holiday?

- What? - Let's look at the evidence, shall we?

We went to a hammam, walked there via the Blue Mosque,

we bought sunglasses and hats,

Shady went ice cream shopping

and now we're in a shisha lounge.

All to get a piece of information

you could have easily have got via text.

I'm going to put it to you, Emre, you've been deliberately delaying

this information so you can turn this trip into a glorified holiday.

- I'm sorry. - Oh.

Well, I've worked very hard and I'm very tired.

Sorry. Shaves and shaves and aftershaves,

and then I have to shave... dick dock.

- You shave a dick dock, what's a dick dock? - His ding dong.

Not ding dong, idiot, big dog.

- How... - Why you say dick, then?

- No, I didn't say that. - Listen, while we're here,

I have to ask you about that rumour from back in the day at Small Heath,

- about you giving people fungicide infections in the arsehole. - Yeah.

Um, come on, I get the fungicide infection in the arseholes -

no, that's not true!

It's unbelievable.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, it's Aqsa.

- Come. - Let's go. Uncle.

Oh, my God.

Shit reception man.

Aqsa, where the hell have you been?

I know Mobes, I know everything.

I know Khan used to run our ends, Nida's his daughter,

and they're after you!

Why didn't you say something, you idiot?

I was injecting this man.

I could have given this dangerous prick a dangerous prick.

I'm not going to encourage murder, am I? Where are you?

I'm not sure. I know I'm somewhere in Turkey,

but they've taken my phone off me for ages,

and they've took my passport.

I'm worried they're going to hurt me and that I'm...

Aqsa?

Aqs! Let's go!

Oh, shit.

Mm?

- Come with me. - No. Who the hell are you?

Come with me.

GUNS COCK

Whoa, whoa. Whoa, chill.

- Relax. - Which way, sir?

This way, boys.

How's your holiday now, Emre? Bahan chud.

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