Original subtitles

What the hell is happening here?

Erm, nothing. How are you? Nothing to worry about.

There's plenty to worry about.

Like Mobeen's stolen cash from the Turks.

He's doing missions for Nida.

- Oh, and he's ordered you a fake passport. - Huh?

You said it all in one sentence. You snitched me like that.

You ordered me a fake passport?

I never ordered you a fake passport.

Nida did that. She pressured me into it.

What's the name on it, then, hmm?

- "International Fraudster"? - No.

Does that sound very Nigerian to you? Exactly.

You need your head testing,

- Moonshine, doing business with her. - I've got no choice.

She knows where Aqsa is and I don't!

It's usually a red flag for a business partner

if they had you stabbed.

I'm sick and you don't know what I've been through.

All night I've been crawling through Emre's back passage.

Me and Uncle.

His back passage is a hole in the floor.

Not his actual...fuck it.

It's always the same with you, every time.

- Yes. - It's not the first time we've had this conversation.

MUSIC: I Run New York by 50 Cent

Bad news. Very bad news.

No more moustache wax.

2.3M.

Hey, what?

Jesus Christ, have mercy.

You could charter a private jet and save Aqsa.

Forget Aqsa. Let's leave tonight. We'll go to Thailand, bro.

We'll buy, like, lions and tigers,

- and we'll have beautiful wives. - Focus, lads.

Or we can do something good with the money.

Yes. Helping a food bank.

- That's it. - Fuck the food bank!

We are going to Marrakech tonight.

We'll buy a riad and we'll have lovely wives.

You can have a wife, too, you ain't even ever mentioned a woman.

Let me tell you two polyamorous plebs a story, all right?

Is this story about us all going to a sunny country and having wives?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sexy. - I once nicked a lad named Sean McGinty.

- Is he an Irish dude? - No, no, he was Somali.

Of course he was fucking Irish.

Sean came across two mil of dirty money, just like this.

Now, poor Sean, him not being blessed with the luck

of the Irish, soon found out, well,

he can't spend that cash anywhere, right?

He bought three cars for cash, then went around clearing

all his debts with the Turks and the Irish.

Not sensible.

He should have just invested it all in the ISAs.

- The terrorist organisation? - Independent saving accounts. ISAs.

We nicked him just before the Turks were about to set him on fire

for passing them cash that hadn't been washed.

That's why his cash is in Emre's basement.

It's no use to anyone till it's been washed.

What you're saying is I should wash the money.

- Kasama, you're clever. - That's not what I'm saying.

- I'm not doing this. - I'll wash it.

No, Mobes, you don't get it. I'm not doing this.

What are you not doing, huh?

It's just trouble after trouble with you.

You know what? I'm out. I'm out.

- Out where? - Bye.

- I'm with Nate, Mobeen. Aadar karo. - Aadar karo.

Let's go to Thailand.

There's so many puss-puss over there.

No!

If you want.

What happens in Thailand stays in Thailand.

MUSIC: One More Chance/Stay with Me by The Notorious BIG

You can keep these.

Nate, come on, baby.

I've followed you into dramas my whole life,

and where's it got me?

- Prison. - And this weird, sexually aggressive house.

- I mean, I don't mind that, innit, but... - My bro,

I pinky promise you, man, I ain't going to get you involved

in anything else. Please.

That's not the point, though, is it?

Look, me, you, this...

..it's done.

Where are you even going to go?

- Barney's. - Huh? Who is Barney?

Harper.

Harper's name is Barney Harper? Eurgh!

That's two points off the sexy meter right there.

- You're going to go live with Harper, then? - Barney.

Mate.

- Had a little tiff with your boyfriend? - Mm.

It's all right, you know.

I'll make us new cups.

"Sajid and Mobeeno forever."

- Fuck that guy! - He made me that in prison, you dalala!

Don't worry, Mobeeno,

you'll never be alone while I'm here.

MUSIC: Angel (feat Common) by The Game

PHONE RINGS

Hey! What's wrong?

I'm Mr Fucking Furious.

And I'm Mr Mobeenis.

What happened to your hand?

The bloody dog bit me.

Forget my hand.

Some bastard robbed my basement.

Did they? I will be in big trouble with Hakan if I can't find out

who took it.

Who's Hakan? I never heard of him. Who's that?

It's my boss.

His favourite hobby is killing people who lose his money.

- Is it? - Yeah.

He got any other favourite hobbies?

Setting fire to people who steal his money.

Satyaa-naas, satyaa-naas.

Hang on. What about the little man?

- Saj? - Little man Saj.

He was pestering me to put up a poster for his new business.

- Was he? - So, he is out of work, needs money, and he's an ex-copper.

- You can't trust them lot! - Incredible logic.

I will give him a free haircut.

People tell their barber everything.

You're pointing the finger at Saj?

- Yeah. - Yes, you are.

I am fingering Sajid.

- Don't say that. - Oh, sorry, you're right.

WE are fingering Sajid together.

- No, we're not. - We're agreed.

We are fingering Sajid together.

Bro, keep the noise down, keep the noise down.

- We are fingering Sajid together! - HE LAUGHS

We're not doing that, we're not

doing that, OK? Don't worry, we're not.

Neighbours, we are fingering Sajid together.

Don't listen to him. Sorry, that isn't true.

- We are fingering Sajid together. - HE LAUGHS

Check it out now...

- 200K. - Ah!

Ah, you smell that?

I love the smell of money even more than you love me.

I have a lukewarm attraction to you at best.

This is going to hit Hakan where it really hurts

- and show him I'm not a woman to fuck with. - Good luck with that.

So you didn't have a problem getting it, then?

I had loads of problems, but it's here, innit?

- Give me my passport. - You'll have them in a day or two.

The deal was as soon as you get the cash, I get the passports.

Now give me it.

A couple of days. The guy hasn't got back to me yet.

Is it? The same guy that used to get back to your papa...yeah?

- As nwo... - Oi, oi, oi, kasama.

Makes sense, though, cos your dad, he was real gravy, bro.

You, you're just gravy granules.

HE SNIGGERS

I've got important business to deal with,

so if you two luns don't mind.

She's got a nail appointment.

- Is it? - Look, what is wrong with you?

Have you got bakri dian gendan for brains?

You should be taking care of business instead of running

off for a mani pedi. What are you going to do?

You're going to call Papa?

"Papa, I'm struggling so much. I'm finding it so..."

You know, you, you are a pussy hole like your brother.

- You say my brother's name, I don't care if you're my cousin... - Come on!

..I will bang you up! I don't care if you're my cousin!

That's it, get out! Get out my sight!

Not nice. Hot, but not nice.

HE GRUNTS

HE GASPS

- Bro? - What? - Do I look like a pussy

No, you don't.

What is her problem?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen to me, bro.

The roads is tough.

You can't be letting her get to you like this, cuz.

Calm down, bro. Firms it, my bro. Calm down, yeah?

- Yeah. - Good? That's it.

OK, you're good. You're good.

- I need you to do something for me, OK? - What, what?

I need you to ask that weird uncle of yours if he's got

- any more of that moustache wax he's been shotting. - Why?

You haven't even got a mucho.

It means a lot to me.

Naveed used to wear it.

That's how we ID'd his body.

It dripped down his gilet when his head...

HE CRIES

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

OK, OK, OK. Sh, sh.

So you're unemployed, but you can afford new haircut, yes?

You just said it was on you.

- Plus, I save money by living at my mum's. - So you need money,

that's what you are telling me, huh?

It's not easy.

I do the cooking, the cleaning,

the bedroom, the washing.

Have you ever waxed your own mum's back?

You cannot throw me off the scent.

The trick is ghee instead of wax,

otherwise Mum says the stubble comes back too quick.

HE CRIES

OK. All right, all right, all right.

You must know about robbery, being an ex-police copper.

But sometimes when I go out, I can still smell the scent

- of Mum on me. - Hmm.

You see, it's from handling her clothes and bedding so much.

It's a powerful aroma.

Floral, but also...meaty.

HE CRIES

Do...not...cry...

Do...not...cry...

Don't cry.

And where were you last night?

Waiting for Mum to come to bed, mainly.

Bro, the way she behaves around Mobeen, it's just creepy.

I was going to chat to Nate about it, but he was out all night.

- Nate wasn't home last night? - No.

And then, this morning, he packed his bags and left in a hurry.

- Forget haircut. - Hmm? - I have things to do.

You can go and cry about your mum trying to bong Mobeen's penis.

Oi!

Dickhead.

HE CRIES

PHONE RINGS

HE CRIES

Don't actually really need a shave, if I'm being honest.

I won't take no for an answer.

And why would anyone turn down a free shave,

unless you have something to hide?

What? No.

Because if you have something to hide, you can leave right now!

No, I'll stay.

DOG BARKS

Bloody dog.

I have to use my left hand now.

- I can get very clumsy with my left hand. - Oh.

Oh, OK.

- Did you hear there was a robbery of my basement? - Yes.

No. I mean, I don't know.

- If you saw anything... - Me? No, nothing. Nobody, no.

- Argh! - Sorry.

Bloody left hand.

Why are you so sweating, big man?

I'm just thinking about the generational trauma of the

black man in the West.

HE CRIES

Sh, sh, sh, sh.

That's it. That's it, boy, you'll feel better.

I'm not going to do any more beating around any more bushes.

- So...what... - Argh! - ..do...

- Argh! - ..you... - Argh!

DOG BARKS, SCREAMING

Tugay, you stop it, dog!

Tugay! Get out, Tugay! Leave him!

Tugay, you beautiful dog.

Your shave is over. I need to deal with this.

Can't have another court case.

What? I've only got half a shave.

This man will only have half a penis if you don't hurry up!

- Go on, piss off! - OK, that's enough.

MUSIC: Whoa! by Black Rob

These biscuits got gelatine in?

- No. - Let me finish this pack, then.

- What are you doing here? - I just came to help out.

Oh, by eating all the biscuits, yeah?

I have to stop ruining your life.

I have to stop ruining our lives, bro. I'm sorry.

- We're in this forever, innit? - Forever. - Yeah.

Aw, you boys are lovely.

Don't act like you don't want to get involved in it, come on.

- Come on, get involved. - Come on. What happened to your face?

Oh, Emre, he's a crazy nut, he is.

- Walahi, he's crazy. - Yeah. - Walahi, he's crazy.

- We're not open, mate. - Jerry?

Salaam there, boys.

- Shall we just go and have a chat? - Sh.

- Just tell me where our money is. - What money?

There's cash to be washed,

and your favourite money-washing machine is here to do a spin cycle.

I thought you were here for the love of chai?

What is it, a couple of mil?

I could wash that in, let me see, three weeks.

And I'll take my commission and give you a mil back,

- ready to spend. - Jerry, let's walk and talk.

Chop fucking chop before your pals here end up getting buried

after your Friday prayers.

Do you know it was the Irish who gave you lot

a chance around here?

My dad rented out houses to you,

when the British wouldn't even piss on you if you were on fire.

So get me the money and do as you're told.

Your dad used to rent this house a very long time ago.

And this Paki doesn't take orders any more.

Oh, there he is now, the big man.

It's good to see you've got some nasty bastard in you.

Like Mobeen said, we ain't fucking doing it, Jerry.

Save your fucking breath, you ARE doing it, and I'll tell you why.

I've got CCTV all over this place, and I've got hours and hours

of lovely footage of Mr Harper and Mr Nate

handling boxes full of millions of pounds in stolen cash.

So unless you want me to turn that over and give it to your friends

in the cop shop, you're going to do exactly what I want,

or...I tell the Turks you stole their money.

There'll be someone around later to pick up the funds.

Stay lucky, lads.

Are you actually serious?

You say you're not going to drag me into another madness,

and you put me in business with that psycho.

Look, just get out of here before I say something

- I'm going to regret. - Nate, man, let me just...

- Get the fuck out of here! - Harp...

Just leave now, Mobes.

I think it's time I got a haircut.

MUSIC: It Ain't Safe by Skepta

I'm an idiot. I've ruined everything.

My brothers hate me, man.

My little sister, I still need to get to her, Uncle. What shall I do?

- I can help you with that bastard. - How? How?

I have a friend who owns a plane in Coventry Airfield.

You got a friend who owns an aeroplane in Coventry Airfield,

and you never told me this whole time? You could have...

- Can I say one more thing? - All right, go on.

The moustache is very sexy.

I know, everybody wants to have shagging with me.

- Let's fuck on from here. - Let's fuck on.

Stop! Not the dog.

Good boy, good boy.

He's beautiful.

Yeah, like I said, we've got no idea, mate.

I'm as angry as you are. It's a right pain in the arse, innit, boy?

Whole thing's bloody bullshit.

- Things have gone missing from my basement. - Yeah, so I hear.

Yeah, worst of all, Irish Jerry keeps

telling us he's going to put a couple of million

- through the chai shop to wash. - What?

I know. Where would you even get that kind of money?

Proper pain in the arse.

Forget the haircut.

I need to speak to that Irish bastard tap dancey man.

Mission accomplished, boy.

- Here you go. - About flipping time.

Now you and your BFF can go save your shit doctor sister.

Fakhar Khan and Ola Akintola.

- Excellent. Where is she, then? - Istanbul.

Are you taking the mick?

Istanbul's a very big place. Where, specifically?

Well, as my bold papa likes to fondly remind me,

he doesn't answer to me,

so I can't help you.

- Unlucky. - Listen, cuz, look what I found!

How's it going to feel getting blasted by your own strap?

You want to talk about my brother, yeah, my family?

Fuck you and your entire lineage, you guti.

These are my ends.

I'll kill you and your bloodclart dad!

Mobeen, get out the way!

Iqbal, Iqbal, Iqbal...

Don't do this, cuz, OK?

Don't do tension. What I been saying to you, bro, yeah?

Big Iqbal. Big Ickie!

I'm big Iqbal.

Yeah? OK?

You're bigger than this.

Chill with it, bro.

OK.

Oh, yes. You're good.

- Such a pussy boy. - Why did you have to say that?

Oh, shit!

Two times.

Twice...

I'm going to Istanbul, don't call me.

Iqbal is dead!

Come on, Nate, one last trip. Fuck's sake.

MUSIC: Buggin' Out by A Tribe Called Quest

The five-foot assassin with the roughneck business...

- VOICEMAIL: - This is Nate's phone.

Got more rhymes than the Winans got family

No need to sweat Arsenio to gain some type of fame

No shame in my game cos I'll always be the same...

Hey! Harper!

You wanna diss the Phifer but you still don't know the half

I sport New Balance sneakers to avoid a narrow path

Mess around with this, catch a size eight up...

I never half-step cos I'm not a half-stepper

Drink a lot of soda, so they call me Dr Pepper

Refuse to compete with BS competition...

Uncle Shady, airfield.

I never walk the streets thinking it's all about me

Even though deep in my heart it really could be...

You're dead, man,

Mr Mobeenis. Hakan is coming for you!

Oh, shit.

- VOICEMAIL: - This is Nate's phone.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Nate, listen to me, bro.

VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry, my bro, for everything.

For all the times I dragged you into this fucking

shit life, man.

No matter how bad it got, you was always there, my bro.

I need you now. I need you, bro.

I can't go the same way as Eight, man.

I still dream about him most nights.

Like, fuck, man, couldn't escape this, man.

Can any of us? Call me, bro.

Bagaji ac.

Hakan, who told you I took the money?

- Cos they're lying, Hakan. - This twat. - This twat?

You're the fucking twat!

The thing is, someone comes to Jerry boy with dirty money,

he did what any one of us would do and tried to wash it.

I really respect him, I really do.

Respect is good.

That's what makes it so difficult.

GUNSHOTS

Oh, shit! Mar gia hai, Jerry. Sorry, tap dancey man.

You steal my money, I steal your life.

Look at me, Hakan, please.

Walahi, listen to me. I'm a good man. Ask Emre,

I've known him a long time.

- He's been cutting my hair since I was ten years old. - Sorry, Mobeen.

Sorry what? Shit!

Hakan, listen to me. Listen to me.

If you let me live here today, I will kill Khan for you.

- What? - I will kill Khan for you. Walahi, I'll kill Khan.

If he's dead, you get a bigger slice of the pie.

It's the smart thing to do.

Be smart, please.

How could I know I can trust you?

To be fair, you don't.

I've been out here stealing your money,

I understand how you feel about me.

But, listen, you send him with me.

- What? - Yes.

You have a deal, huh?

Have a deal?

WHISPERS: Thank you. Thank you.

If you don't kill Khan,

we will kill you and everyone

you love.

Anlastik mi, Mobeenis?

- WHISPERS: - Anlastik.

Anlastik.

Now what, huh?

Aferin.

Fucking hell.

You were nearly dead, man.

HE LAUGHS

- You shitting in your pants? - I shit myself a little bit.

Give me this.

I nearly had a heart attack, man.

You kiss his hand.

And, you know, Jerry's the second person I seen die today.

So where the fuck is this aeroplane?

MUSIC: Dogustan Beri Hakliyim (tmm) by Lvbel C5

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0