Original subtitles

This programme contains discriminatory language and very strong language

Mega's gonna kill you. No matter what happens,

you gotta stay in this cell. I have to stay in this cell!

You gotta stay in this cell. I have to stay in...!

The only way to stay safe is stay in this cell. Are you gonna look after me?

Yeah. Aww! You're leaving the cell.

Oh... my God.

Ahhh!

Pathetic.

And that's when I knew every choice has consequences...

Oh, Mega, are you good, my brother?

I will be, when I get my hands on Mobeen.

But he never leaves his cell.

You've gotta get him to leave his cell, Chippy.

I'm running outta favours, Mega.

You run outta favours when I SAY you run outta favours.

HE SIGHS

This fucking toenail...

HE GRUNTS

Excuse me for a minute, Chippy.

TEARING

That's how you deal with irritating little bastards.

You get them out.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Get Mobeen out of his cell and bring him to me.

You see this game you're playing, yeah? It's putting me

in mortal danger. You love the madness, Moonpig.

I do not.

There's a one-in-six chance of you actually dying,

and they're pretty good odds. Listen to me, eh?

I'm not some plump yet fat, sexy stallion

whose life you're betting on, OK?

If something happens to me, then you,

you've got the blood of a brown man on your hands.

Yeah, it won't be the first time.

Relax. You're with an officer. You'll be fine.

Every time I come out here, you facilitate me

getting spanked within an inch of my life every day.

"Yeah, Mobeen, you love it, tssh!"

WHIMPERS You're giving me tingles.

Uh-uh.

Look, just make sure you have a nice little chat with Memory Stick,

so we can get to calm, all right?

What the fuck am I supposed to talk to him about -

Avril Lavigne? You what?

Yeah, that's what Shady says he's into, man.

Shady's a mad lad.

Ey, he's a mad lad, but he's MY mad lad.

I love Asian uncles and aunties.

All of 'em?

Even the Tory ones?

Are they even Asian? Yes! Good. That's what I was thinking as well.

I think they're like the bad guys at the end of Scooby-Doo.

They just grab them brown masks and...

"Send them all to Rwanda."

And reveal the many faces of Satan.

Harsh...

..on Satan...

I really like you. Did I ever tell you that?

Memory Stick's last check-up's our last chance.

We get him to cooperate now, everything's pattered.

Hello, Doc. I need a few minutes with Colin Bigginson.

He's had his last check-up,

and Officer Sajid personally escorted him back to his cell.

Bloody Sajid. I'll throttle the little pillock.

I can still do Mobeen, if you just give us some space.

Take a seat, Mobeen. Thank you.

How is the eye getting on? Look up for me.

OK. Watch out for his breath.

It once made a cat faint.

That's a unique bedside manner,

but I like it.

Why are you here? I told you I don't want you here.

I won't be here long. Why?

Nida's got me a PROPER placement.

Tell him where it is.

Sharjah in the UAE.

Are you joking? You got her...

Sharjah!

Come on!

I can't believe it. When do you go?

Tonight. Huh?

Someone got Covid and dropped out last minute, so I'm in.

Nah, please don't go.

HE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY Hello, haramzada.

Uncle! What are you doing here?

Prison chaplain gives the last rite to a dying man.

Oh. He can bet he's not getting any more sicker.

Did you kill him?

What are you doing here -

breast reduction surgery?

Breast reduction...?! Excuse me.

I'm just getting checked out by Doctor...

..checked UP by Doctor Nida medically.

It's all professional, yeah.

Kinky boy.

Aqsa, if you're going to UAE, I have one piece of advice.

Yeah?

Go and visit Hajar Mountain caves.

Huh? They are very beautiful,

very dark and bad.

You must sleep in them.

Don't sleep in THEM.

Sleeping in caves never did me any harm, bastard.

CHATTER

Mobeen...

Moonbeam!

Oi, he's asleep!

Just like I was until you barged in.

Bastard. Where is he?

Mega's gonna batter him any second.

Yeah, man, come on.

ARGGH! Agh!

Hold it! What the fuck are you doing here?

HE TALKS INDISTINCTLY

Are you all right?

Look, dahl.

Oh, dahl!

You scared the shit outta me, man.

I just wanted to say thank you for sorting Aqsa's placement.

Please may I sit down?

Yeah, yeah.

How did you make this?

Oh, it was the lads in the canteen. I got them to make it.

And how did you get in here?

The door was open.

Mm, I'm pretty sure the door was locked.

I definitely didn't break in.

Look, this is really nice, but...

Is this Pot Noodle in here?

Yeah, a bit.

Listen, I don't know how to break this down to you,

but it would be unprofessional for me to eat this pot...

..dahl.

I'm sorry. I'll just go.

Nah, nah, thank you.

Ooh.

How does it tastes?

That tastes like... TALKS WITH MOUTH FULL

Whew.

Obviously, this hasn't quite worked out, has it?

But... in the real world,

out there,

I would take you to get the best dahl on planet Earth, yeah?

There's this place called Raja's Nicy Spicy.

I've heard. What?!

I actually wanna go there.

Yeah, well, I've just technically offered to take you there.

I'm out soon, so, I mean, maybe?

When I'm out?

As friends?

Do you know what? Mm?

As a friend,

I'd be down with that.

OK.

Cool.

Well, well, well.

Turns out someone CAN leave their cell.

Swear down.

Man like Mobeen.

Curry - you want some of this?

We need to get that info out of Memory Stick's head

and into my hands. SHE CLEARS THROAT

Listen, if I see one more scatter cushion in here,

there'll be trouble. Boss.

Mobeen...

..Nathaniel...

..I need you your help.

Nay, nay, nay, Governor.

You are not looking at our lulis in the shower again.

It's not that.

It's Jamal.

He's in a bad way.

Jamal's a good brother. What's happened?

He's refusing to leave his cell, and he's threatening to hurt himself.

His wife says she's gonna stop him seeing the kids.

So, what we need is a really brilliant trained listener

to go into his cell.

Somebody at the top of their game. The best we've got.

And I'm looking at you, Mobeen.

Will you get on with it? Cos he needs you.

DOOR BANGS

What's up?

The thing is, if you spend time sorting out Jamal,

you can't get to Memory Stick, can ya?

We are so close to getting Khan,

and if you run into Mega, he's gonna fuck you up.

Forget about Mega for a minute. Jamal needs help.

He needs OUR help.

You're willing to put your neck on the line for any old inmate,

when you know Mega's out there waiting for ya?

It's not any old inmate.

He's a good brother, and he needs my help.

Don't look at me like that.

Mobeen, good luck, yeah?

All the best, yeah? Good luck, bro.

You've got this, Mobeen.

Jamal needs you.

Yo.

No, no, no!

Mega, stop, bro.

I beg your pardon, Chips?

It's not about you and him.

It's about Jamal.

Very honourable.

But I don't give a shit.

Well, I give a shit.

Oh, listen, little man.

No, you listen to me,

you big, useless dosser.

Ooh.

You will get back to your cell immediately.

Sorry, you must be out of your f...

Shut your mouth.

I run this wing.

You know what they say, don't ya, huh?

The bigger the lad, the smaller the brain.

MOBEEN TALKS OFF-SCREEN

He's gonna fist your bunda into another universe.

Go back to cell now.

Yeah, you go...

Fee-fi-fo-fum,

look at me,

I'm a big, hairy lun.

You're gonna be sorry for this little show you just put on.

Yeah? Back to your cell.

You're boring, mate.

Thank you, Sajid, thank you.

Look at me.

Thank you. Thank you.

LOUD WHISTLE

Hey, Mobeen, come on. He's gone. He's gone.

CHATTER

Oh, my God, will you leave me alone?!

I don't wanna talk to you, OK?

You are an insufferable, incorrigible piece of shit.

You're obsessed with me. Colin!

Not now.

Oh, yes, JJ.

Give us a minute, my bro, yeah?

Yo, salaam, Jamal.

Go away, Mobes. I don't want a lecture from you. Come on, man.

At least give your boy salaam. Come on.

My bad. Salaam.

Salaam. There you are.

Jamal, I got something serious to tell you.

Harry Maguire is shit.

Did you see man at the weekend?!

He's a dead baller, bro.

When his mum gave birth to him, she gave birth to one human own goal.

How do you think that makes man feel

when he sees that stuff on social media?

You're behaving like one insensitive dickhead.

How you really feeling, bro?

My missus says I can't see my kids anymore.

How would YOU feel?

I ain't ever met your kids.

Are you dumb?

How would you feel if it was your sister?

That could never happen. Come on, bro.

Well, it's happened to me.

Without my kids...

..I don't wanna be here anymore.

J, look, you know where we're from.

OK, with these things, we just have to man up.

This is why man don't say anything.

I'm over here talking about wanting to kill myself,

and you're telling me to man up.

It didn't work.

Now what?

Huh?

Where is Mobeen?

Oh, he's helping Jamal at the moment, Uncle.

This is MY job to help people.

I get paid overtime for this.

Just leave him to it, yeah? He's a good lad.

He knows what he's doing.

No, I will remove him and send him back.

I want my overtime money.

No, you stay in the cell.

Nate, can you keep an eye on him, please?

Back in a bit.

Ginseng?

Jamal...

I can imagine how you feel.

Can you?

Can you imagine wanting to do yourself in?

No.

No, I can't.

I can.

There are lots of people who wanna kill Moonbeam.

One of them's even in this nick.

But doing himself in - never.

Can you two say Mashallah?

Because you're putting a lot on me at the moment.

Mashallah. Mashallah.

Thank you.

You know, the first time I thought about it...

..I made a right fucking mess of it.

You can close your mouth, Moonbeam.

It's a long journey, brother.

There are a lot more people on it than you think.

You're not alone.

You should be the listener.

Nah, mate.

I'm just as bad as dickhead over here.

I just know how to talk about it.

And a lotta people don't.

But you know where I am if you need me.

Safe, bro.

Now feel like a good time to hug?

Piss off. Do one.

Safe, gents.

Bravo.

Oh, leave off, will ya?

No.

I heard everything.

You're not a complete cretin, are you?

I know what you're after.

I'll give you the information you want about Khan.

What?! What?

The financial records, the business details,

the list of bent coppers.

Why? Not why - yes!

Thank you. What are you asking why for?

Look, I can't keep living like this.

I'm gonna end up like Jamal.

You're a good dude.

Really?

He's not an incel. What?

He thought maybe you were an incel, and I said you weren't.

Incel?! That's a weird thing for you to say.

But seriously, this means you can finally get

justice for your friend, Eight.

How do you know Eight?

I went to uni with his older brother.

Me and Nine were pretty close.

You must've gone to Cambridge with him. I did, yeah.

We met punting down the Cam.

I don't know what he means. What does he mean? I don't know.

OK, listen...

Just bring it in for a second, lads, yeah? So...

..how do we get the information out of this incredible brain of yours...

..and into your hands? Like, have you got a recording device?

I've got some gear. So, I've got, like, full body suit, balaclava.

I can meet you in the showers.

No, I was just thinking I'd drop off the memory stick at your cell later.

How do you mean, drop the mem...? You're gonna drop yourself

to the cell, and then when you get to the cell... You're gonna drop yourself to the cell.

I haven't memorised all that. You think I've memorised all that infor...?

No, it's all on a memory stick.

Not in your head? It's not in my head. It's not in his head!

Of course. Oh, yeah. That's like something from a shit film.

Shit film!

The shittest film! What kinda idiot woulda thought it?

I don't know what kind of idiot would've thought that! I don't know.

He thought it. Did you think that? No, he did. Stupid. Stupid!

Just, he's called Memory Stick.

Don't do that again.

But, no, listen. Hey...

You don't know what this means to ALL of us. Look at me.

What you're doing is fucking legendary, mate.

Really? Oh!

Aw, special, special.

OK, you know where the cell is. I do, yeah.

And if we could just bring it in as well. Oh, oh, that's,

you've done that. I thought it was just you, me, and him, we could

just kinda hug it out now. OK. Bless you.

Thanks, Colin. Assalaamu Alaikum, my brother. Nice to meet you.

See you. Peace be upon you. Yeah. Hey, Mobeen?

Mm-hm?

COLIN CHUCKLES

Woo!

Oh, in the...!

Tss! Deet! Yep.

That was silly.

I actually really like magic. I was just in a bad mood.

Oh, yeah, really? Yeah, yeah.

In fact, I know you don't have much time,

but I do have a bit of a magic trick to show you.

I'll be so quick. I probably haven't got time. The police officer said

I haven't got time. Please, Mobeen. I'm a prison officer. Please.

Just pick a card, any card.

Don't show me. Pick a card.

And that's... King of clubs. Don't show it to me!

We have to do it again. Wey! Abracadabra.

Let's go. Help me pick it up at least. Cheers, mate.

Well done, mate. We're gonna get Khan.

You've done it. You did it. You did it. WE did it.

Listen to me, brother. I never said it before, but I love you, bro.

I love ya, and I feel like kissing ya. Can I kiss ya?

No. Let me kiss ya, please.

Go on, then, just one.

Come on, Moonbeam.

Next time, just you and him.

Nate!

I tried to stop him, but he just wouldn't listen.

I'm the Alpha in here.

This is how I resolve disputes.

Such a strong stream.

Next time, I piss in your beard.

ZIP! Ugh!

Hey, he's nearly killed him.

What? Mega.

He beat the shit out of Chippy.

He's unresponsive.

Oh, God. It's my fault.

Mobeen, I know what you're thinking.

It's all my fault. Don't get involved.

You're letting the madness drag you back in.

Don't do it, man.

Nate, I should've fixed this motherfucker long time...

Mobeen. Mobeen!

You want an apple? Sorry?

I've got satsumas as well.

I've had my five-a-day, thank you.

Well, you were right - diabetes will be the death of me.

Natural sugars all the way now.

Come in.

In-in your cell?

Yeah, come into the shark tank.

Ah, Mobeen, Mobeen, Mobeen.

Meg, listen to me.

No, YOU listen! Allah! YELLS: You listen to me!

I'm sorry, man.

I was speaking and then you interrupted me.

It's rude to interrupt.

It is rude. I apologise for being rude.

Look, I know you hate me. I know everyone hates me.

They do.

Ahh, fuck...

I think I actually hate myself.

Probably shouldn't hate yourself.

It's bad for your...

..chakras and... Stop.

You know, right before I was gonna kill you...

You were gonna kill me?

..I had this thought.

You and me, yeah, we're actually really alike.

Single mum, dad in and out of trouble,

then he fucks off, leaves us to fend for ourselves.

My mum told him to fuck off.

She left him, so... Well, she WOULD say that.

Mine did. '90s immigrant mums never left their men.

No, HE walked out on US.

You and I.

You know what the difference is between you and me?

I'm a prick who knows he's a prick.

You're a prick who doesn't know he's a prick.

I know YOU'RE a prick.

You're the prick. No, you're a prick as well.

You just said it, didn't you? I'm a prick. That's facts.

You are a prick.

And also, you're a prick. I don't think so.

Yes! Yes, you see? That, there!

Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!

See, you love it, you love it -

the chaos, the drama, the need to be a saviour.

You even put your own people in harm's way just to be a hero.

I respect that.

I understand that.

You chat shit, man.

Chat shit? Really? You chat shit.

All you had to do was say no to that undercover fed.

And instead, what did you say?

"Yes, sahib."

You were nearly done. You were outta here.

New start, new life.

But you love it too much.

Let's be honest, without

this Paki Robin Hood persona,

who are you, brother?

Just another guy stacking shelves in B&Q.

Yeah.

You would rather be dead than be that guy.

We are never

going to beat the system.

So, what do you say we light a fire...

..me and you,

and burn this bastard to the ground?

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-h-h!

There will be no fires on MY watch,

Goliath.

Ah, shit.

So, according to THAT parable,

that would make you...

..what - little David?

Sajid, not... not... David.

What's he talking about, David? Ah, shit.

Very, very, biblical.

You big f...

Ah, Sajid!

You ready, bro?

Nah, I can't go, man.

Do this crazy shit you're about to do.

You made a pie?

Nah, but I can get you fruit.

HE LISTS FRUITS

Lads!

We've waited a long time for this.

Who fancies a fucking riot?!

CHEERING

Yeah!

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