Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

So, I heard Coach is putting you on offense.

- You nervous? - No.

I had to do way more running in midfield,

forward should be easy in comparison.

- Midfield elitist, are we now? - Something like that.

Personally, I think it's an affirmative action thing,

but that's just me.

- Ow. - Shit.

What are you carrying in there?

You have dead bodies, or something?

No, that was my camera.

I hope I didn't break it.

- That's cute. - Hey!

Liam!

Give it back!

Don't you dare break it.

Fuck you, I don't have that much film left.

I don't know why you haven't gone digital yet.

What?

Think of all the pictures you could take of me.

Gross.

No, you could make like, a collage.

It'd be high art.

Like the Campbell's Soup guy.

Does no one at this school know who Andy Warhol is?

- That wasn't a no. - What?

To taking pictures of me.

- That wasn't a no. - Oh my god.

It was not a no, ladies and gentlemen.

No one can hear you, Liam.

Still wasn't a no.

Okay, future Angie.

I can feel your judgment.

I can feel it.

Does Liam have great eyebrows?

Maybe.

Has he been giving me

rides home every day from soccer practice?

Listen-

I am just a practical girl

who has to get from point A to point B.

Does that mean I like him?

No.

No!

Absolutely not.

He's St. Michael's royalty,

and when his other friends are around

I might as well be wearing an invisibility cloak.

Anyways.

You have probably forgotten all about me.

You, me, us.

Honestly, I hope you've blocked it out of your memory

because um, the last few years

have been kinda complete shit.

So, let me fill you in.

Just open the flood gates, shall we?

Remember St. Michael's?

You know, where you got to be

their sole example of diversity?

That's you.

Look how happy you look.

Ah.

Its founders, Episcopalian rectors intended

to create an inclusive space

that fostered kindness and spirituality,

but mainly it just fosters the middling ambitions

of gala-frequenting B.O.I. lifers,

like Liam.

You clearly don't understand

what I was going for in this paper.

It was five days late, Liam.

It's okay, it's okay.

And his girlfriend,

possibly the whitest girl I've ever met.

Okay, but is this hot, or is it like,

passe to post about chia pudding these days.

Sheryl.

Yeah, she's one of those Instagram influencer girls.

This gymnastics dance thing

she did in middle school went viral

and then her follower count exploded,

and now she gets paid by like,

healthy juice companies to purse her lips slightly

and hold a cup of lettuce water.

Sometimes I imagine if Sheryl and I told the same joke

to a group of kids at St. Michael's,

they'd dub Sheryl a comedic genius

and then they'd just completely not even hear me.

What must it be like to be that loved?

At least I have Rebecca.

Wait, what are you taking pictures for?

Time capsule.

Right, I forgot you were doing that.

- Yeah. - It's so like,

middle school Mary-Kate and Ashley.

I love it.

You know Andy Warhol kept time capsules, right?

Who?

Oh my god, they're selling carnations!

Yeah, you probably don't remember her.

But anyways, I'm getting off topic,

so let me fill you in on the coup de grace.

I did the best I can!

You're doing the best you could?

If you were doing the best you could

you would've actually listened to me-

- Come on, it's not a big deal!

When I told you this first.

It is a big deal, Fai!

I know, I know, it's not like

Mom and Dad fighting is anything new.

It's been

their love language since before I learned

about love languages in AP psyche.

It's like they're in

a constant contest to figure out

who's the most stubborn and petty.

Mom, especially.

I feel like I am

raising you and-

Angie.

Yeah?

We've got something to tell you.

There's just...

a lot of things out of my control these days.

So, that's where we're at, future Angie.

I think religion is fucked, personally.

- Really? - Yes, it's fucked up.

It's just a tool used to control the masses

and manipulate people

into feeling guilty about their, their urges.

You go to an Episcopalian school and-

- you think religion is fucked up? - See, you can't even

say Episcopalian, it's not even a real word,

it's just a dumb thing that someone made up.

Why would God give you the ability to,

just to say, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

you've gotta wait like,

20, 30 years before you can have sex,

and then you've gotta have it with the same person

for the rest of your life,

even if you hate that person,

and even if that person hates you."

Sorry.

I just.

So, why aren't you with your girlfriend right now

at the golf course, eating chicken fingers?

I'm more of a chicken wings guy.

- Oh really? - Yeah, less processed.

Right.

Right.

And we've been having trouble.

Hmm?

Sheryl and I, we've been having trouble lately.

Just...

Yeah?

She's really Catholic, is all.

- Thanks. - Yeah, no problem.

- I'll see you later. - Yeah.

Bye.

- Everything okay? - Uh, yeah.

My house key just isn't working for some reason.

House key isn't...

You know, if this is just some elaborate plan

to spend some more time with me-

- Leave!

You don't have to do this charade,

you can just come back.

I'll take you to the movies, or something.

I don't, I don't know what's out right now.

Oh my god.

I'm not leaving until you make it

safely inside that house, young lady.

I've seen "Dateline", you know?

For some reason my house key isn't working?

Yeah, um, sorry, I forgot to tell you.

Uh, I had the locks changed today on my lunch break.

Why?

'Cause this is our house, not your father's.

Don't you think that's a little intense?

No, he's not my husband anymore.

He's my dad.

I'm sad I won't get to see you as much.

Me too, Angie.

He's not a psycho.

You're, you're acting like he's a psycho.

Sweetie, when you're my age you will understand

that I need this to feel like my domain.

How's your art class?

It's going really well.

Um, Ms. Treviño's been lending me

all these books by famous artists.

Oh yeah?

Do I know any one of them?

Well, it's my domain, too.

I don't know, aren't you being a little flippant about this?

- Flippant? - Yeah, flippant.

Chinese artist, um, Pan Yuliang.

Oh, yeah!

The Chinese government really hated her back in the days.

Yeah, she was such a rebel, I love her.

What is that?

How many times have I told you

to just clean up after you're done?

I'm sorry!

You're not gonna start drawing nudes now, are you?

Dad!

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I hadn't really considered it, but now I might.

I shouldn't give you ideas.

It's really not that hard.

I know...

It's like you think little fairies just come

around after you and clean up your messes.

I know, I'm sorry,

but don't change the subject.

Okay.

Angie, I got something to tell you.

Hmm?

Well, I met someone.

What?

Um, she's a nurse at UTMB,

and she's got a little daughter about your age,

maybe a little bit older.

Goes to Ball High.

I think you guys gonna get along.

Your father and I settled things very amicably.

Do not make a bigger deal out of this than it has to be.

Now, I have some depositions I need to go handle.

Don't you have some homework you need to do?

No.

But I do need a new key.

I will make you one tomorrow.

Hey!

If you could go to the dance

with anybody in the whole world, who would you go with?

No one.

- Nobody? - I don't go to dances.

- You know this. - Okay, well,

I want you to come because I'm gonna go,

so like, who are you gonna go with?

You, I guess.

No, because I'm gonna have a date.

- I don't know who yet, but- - If you have a date,

then why do I have to go?

Okay, if I put a gun at your head

and I was like, "You have to go to the dance

with somebody or I'm gonna shoot,"

- who would you go with? - I'd take the bullet.

I wanna shoot you now.

God, um, okay.

I've got the gun at your head,

but also like, your whole family and friends

and like, your dog, I don't know.

- You're a psychopath. - I am.

But who are you gonna go with?

- I don't know, Liam maybe. - Yeah...

He's a dreamboat.

He's with Sheryl, though.

You know, I heard that Lululemon reached out to her

to endorse their new line of bralettes.

Yeah, she's tiny, thin, and blonde, I get it.

- Somebody sounds jealous. - What?

You're not like, secretly in love

with Liam or anything, are you?

- Oh my god, no. - Oh my god, yes you are!

- No, I'm not! - No, I can see it.

- No. - I can see it in your eyes.

- Mm-mm. - You can't hide from me.

- Mm-mm. - You can't hide from me.

- Rebecca- - yes, you are.

- Rebecca- - No, it's fine!

- Nope. - I'm not gonna tell anybody.

- And you said, "Liam"? - I said your name

because I saw you like, two seconds before then-

- Angie, Angie.

It's okay, it's okay, you're not in love with me.

It's really obvious 'cause you're freaking out

because you're not in love with me.

I feel like you're mocking me.

I'm not mocking you.

Stupid.

Hey, sweetie.

I'm sorry, it looks like it's gonna be another late night.

I'm swamped.

Waffles are in the freezer.

I'm sorry if I was a little upset last night.

Love you.

Hi, there.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I work just down the street,

so I thought I'd stop by and say hello.

Is it okay if I come in?

It's kind of an uncomfortable position to be in.

Yeah, sure.

So, this is where Angie Chen spends most of her time.

Wow.

This is disgusting.

We don't all have maids.

I don't have a maid,

I just have a sense of personal hygiene.

- Do I look cool? - No.

No?

Aw.

Who's this?

- It's Harold. - Harold.

My dad gave him to me when I was five.

He's my favorite.

You and your dad close?

Not at the moment.

I feel that.

So, why aren't you with your girlfriend right now?

Um, she's out of town, so, you know.

Plus, I kinda like hanging out with you.

Really?

No, I just climbed in your window 'cause,

'cause I don't like you.

I mean, I'm pretty cool, so.

Yeah, you're pretty cool, whatever.

- I'll give it to you. - Thank you.

I'll let you have that one.

Not that I needed you to give it to me, but.

Of course not, of course not.

Um.

So, what do you, what do you wanna do?

Um-

- We can watch YouTube videos, um, if you want.

Um, I have "Sims".

- Do you play "The Sims"? - Like the,

- like the game with the- - Yeah.

With the people and they just-

- Yeah. - They just exist?

Yeah, it's like um, it's like real life

but you get to control everything.

I made a town called Chenville.

Mm-hmm.

Um, I have a character named Josie and she's um,

she actually just put out a novel

that's on the bestseller list now.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

Um, and she's been WooHooing with her neighbor.

I really like driving you home.

Sometimes it's the best part of my day.

Hmm.

Me, too.

I, um, I have a um, a condom.

Cool.

Yeah, I stole it from my brother, so.

Always be prepared, you know?

I was a Boy Scout, so.

Your- Your first time?

No.

No, yeah, me neither, me neither. Yeah.

- Great. - Yeah.

Do you want something to help you open that?

- Like cut it open, or- - Um, yeah.

No, yeah, that'd be um, that'd be great, yeah.

Okay.

Oh my Christ.

- Here. - Excellent.

- Yeah. - Hang on.

Don't wanna tear it too bad, you know?

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, should I kiss you when you... while you-

- Yeah. - Deal with that,

- or would that be distracting? - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, yeah.

- Okay. - Yeah, that'd be...

- That's a good idea, yeah. - Okay.

- Is this okay if I- - Yeah, just.

- Sure, yeah. - Okay.

- Is that distracting? - No, no.

- Okay. - You're, yeah, no it's.

Ow!

Shit.

Oh, morning.

Good morning.

- How'd you sleep? - Good, yeah.

Yeah.

Best sleep in a while, actually.

You?

Yeah, yeah, I slept pretty good.

I'm hungry.

Give me that.

Good Lord.

Do you ever eat anything with any nutritional value?

Do you ever have any fun?

Fun?

Oh, you mean the tool that's used to control the masses?

- Like religion? - Exactly.

Right, right, just another way

to suppress those manly urges.

So, it's probably best

if we don't talk about this with anyone, right?

I mean, Sheryl just lost her grandad,

and things have been really tough on her.

I honestly think this would kill her.

Hmm.

Um, yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah,

whatever you think is best.

Cool, thanks.

Yeah.

It just, it just happened last night.

I didn't just do it with anyone.

I lost my virginity to Liam.

Liam Sampson, oh my god.

Only, you know how in movies and TV

when women have sex they're always moaning in ecstasy

because they're so unbelievably pleasured?

Last night, I only moaned in pain.

Is there something wrong with me, or my body?

I just, I feel like there's something

that's always wrong with me.

Also, like, like what?

Is this the end of my childhood?

What'd you do this weekend?

Nothing much.

Aren't you gonna ask me what I did this weekend?

What did you do this weekend?

I went to that new froyo place on the Seawall.

It's actually really good, we should go.

Oh, and guess who I saw there?

- Josh? - No.

- Ms. Robinson? - No.

Oh my god, Rebecca, just tell me.

It was Sheryl and Liam.

What?

Yeah, she was trying some of that new

lavender flavor that they have.

I didn't think I would like it,

but she let me try a bite and it was actually really good.

God, they are such a power couple.

They're like Prince William, Kate Middleton,

but Kate Middleton is not blonde,

so like, if Kate Middleton was Blake Lively-

And then Prince William had hair.

Um.

But then there's like a,

there's like a bad boy, good girl vibe to it,

so like "Aladdin".

Aladdin and Jasmine.

Do you think so?

If they, if they were a Disney couple,

who do you think they would be?

- Hey. - Hey.

So, I...

I feel like we should just be friends.

Do you know what I mean?

Friends?

Yeah, well, when I came over the other night

I was a little drunk,

and in the morning I realized that I'd made a mistake.

That we had made a mistake.

Mistake?

- Am I a monster, or something? - What?

No, no, no Angie, you're great.

Sorry...

It's just unfair to Sheryl, that's all.

So, you're doing this to protect Sheryl?

So, being a stalker,

climbing through my window, uninvited, last night,

having sex with me and then pretending

like you don't even know me

is you being a good boyfriend to your,

oh, what was it?

Super Catholic girlfriend?

Okay, you're twisting my words.

Am I? Do tell.

We made a mistake, all right?

People do this kind of thing all the time.

People go to bars and they get drunk and they have sex.

Uh-huh.

I think you think last night meant-

- Do you have feelings for me?

I wasted my virginity on a coward.

Hey, sweetie.

I just wanted to let you know

that I am heading to Houston tonight to meet with a client,

but I left you some Bagel Bites in the freezer.

Uh, if you need anything else, just give me a call.

All right, love you, bye.

Hi there, you must be Angie.

Um, yeah.

Min! Nice to meet you.

Come on in.

- Oh, take off the shoes. - What?

- Take off the shoes. - Okay.

- Yeah, wear the slipper. - Right.

What happened to the apartment?

Oh, I redecorated.

I love decorating.

HGTV is my favorite.

I bet my dad didn't help with that.

He hates shopping and household work.

He actually went with me to the store

and we were looking for a chair, and he's-

- Angie! - There he is.

- Hi. - How are you?

- What are you wearing? - Oh.

- Do you like my sweater? - It's very blue.

- It's all Min. - Aww.

- Ah. - Hey.

Angie, this is Fang.

- Fang, Angie. - Hey.

Sorry, my hands are sticky.

- Nice to finally meet you. - Right, yeah.

Fang was just working on her website, right?

It's pretty damn good.

Yeah, your dad actually let me

come see his lab for one of my articles.

It was so nice.

And you and Dr. Brown wouldn't stop talking.

- Dr. Brown! - Yeah, Dr. Brown!

- It was so much fun. - I love him.

Who's Dr. Brown?

My co-worker.

You don't remember Dr. Brown?

You never asked me to come to your lab, so.

Last time I invited you,

you wouldn't shut up about getting snow cone at La King's.

Well, I was nine.

It's nice to be invited to things.

- Let's eat! - Yeah.

Hey, Angie, did Fang tell you

that she's on the robotics team?

- No. - Yeah!

Tell Angie how you're on the robotics team.

Oh, it's not a big deal.

Of course it is!

They program all their own robots and stuff.

Neat.

Yeah, you two should really hang out more.

Fang just got a scholarship to Stanford

from her robotics works.

You're going to Stanford?

- Yeah! - Yeah.

- Cool, congrats. - Thanks.

I mean, I'm just really lucky, honestly.

Who knows why people get in anywhere?

Stop downplaying your accomplishment.

I heard a segment on NPR.

It says how downplaying your accomplishments

- is bad for self-esteem. - Mm-hmm.

Um, Angie, aren't you an artist?

- Yeah. - Really?

Could we see some of your work?

Oh yeah, Angie, show them your Instagram.

I just made an Instagram account just to follow her Tweets.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, can we see? - Dad, I don't think-

- Come on, Angie. - We want to see.

- Please? - Don't be shy.

- Don't be shy. - We want to see it.

- Yeah. - Okay, okay.

All right.

- Let's see. - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, okay, cool. - Not bad, huh?

- Yeah, I like the color. - They're so detailed!

- Thank you. - Huh.

Look at that one.

Interesting.

And your captions are really good.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

So, is it a rabbit, or is it a hamster?

That's actually a quokka.

What's a quokka?

This cute little marsupial thing

we learned about in bio.

How 'bout that, huh?

These are great, Angie.

My friend Karen is obsessed with comics,

and I can totally see these being in the comics she reads.

But why does quokka has a top hat on?

And why's he holding a butcher knife?

Yeah, why is that, Angie?

- Does it represent anything? - Is it like "Animal Farm"

where you personify the animals to make a point?

No. I didn't think through it that much,

it's just a doodle.

Do you ever draw the beach?

No, I don't find brown water to be aesthetically pleasing.

Fang loves the beach.

Dad spoke in Mandarin today.

The last time I heard him speak it

was when we visited Fuzhou when I was 10.

It's just weird to be reminded

that there's this whole other side to him,

this side of him that I'm not really a part of.

I do have memories, though.

Making fish balls with Nai Nai,

playing hide-and-seek with Zhelun and Li,

getting lost in Sanfang Qixiang with Yeye...

Dad was relaxed back then.

He wasn't stressed.

Probably the happiest I'd ever seen him in childhood.

Maybe Min and Fang give him something

that Mom and I never could.

What do you want?

Hey.

I thought I was a mistake.

Angie, you know I didn't mean it like that.

I'm sorry.

What I did was really shitty.

Can I come in so we can talk about it?

Fine.

So, what are you doing here?

You and Josh seemed pretty chummy today.

Yeah, he came through my window the other night.

Really?

Yeah, no, the line of boys

who come through my window are just endless.

Angie, I made a mistake, okay?

You said that.

- Don't rub it in, asshole. - That's not what I mean.

I mean you're right.

I'm an asshole.

Okay?

- Ow! - What? What?

That hurts.

What if I move your leg like, like, like this?

Oh my god, stop.

No, that's awful.

Okay, um, let me think.

Okay, okay, um, what if you sit there?

- Okay. - Yeah, like that.

Okay.

- Gentler, please. - Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, that's good.

That's good, a little faster.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Is that, is that good? - Yeah.

Yeah, yes!

Oh my god.

Okay, so, I know Liam is sort of an asshole,

but he's my asshole,

Tuesdays and Thursdays after soccer practice.

I can't deny the beauty

of this truly educational situation.

I mean, not only educational, but spiritual.

Like, I'm really learning how to bang, future Angie.

I mean, however good you are now, you're welcome.

Anyways.

I can't stop thinking about it.

And I can't stop thinking about

what it would be like with every single guy I know.

You know, like Cameron Jones thinks he's hot shit,

but it probably wouldn't last for more than a minute.

Would I have to be in charge of everything

if I did it with Zachary?

That might be kinda fun.

Or if I went up to Greg and I was like,

"Hey, Greg, wanna bang?"

I wonder what he'd say.

The schedule lately is as follows:

soccer practice, Liam drives me home,

we argue about something

in which Liam plays devil's advocate

and I google stuff on my phone to prove him wrong,

oh, and then we bang.

I mean, we disagree on a lot of stuff,

but that just makes it hotter.

That must be some Freudian shit.

God, what would my parents say?

Do you have something you wanna tell me?

Are you...

- having sex? - No.

No.

No, and it would be none of your business if I was,

- but I'm not, so- - I'm not thrilled about it

but if you are, then we need to take you to the doctor

- and we're gonna get you- - Oh my god.

A birth control prescription-

- Oh my god - because otherwise

- you're playing with fire. - Please stop talking.

Please, God.

it was a condom they gave us in health class.

Okay? That's all it was.

I, I used it for a sculpture that I'm making.

Mm.

Really?

They let you get away with that at St. Michael's?

Yeah, it's Ms. Trevino.

You know, you've met Ms. Trevino.

You know, she protested in the '70s,

she had really long hair.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she's like, she's really just created

this safe space for her students to just explore, you know-

- Condom use? - Whatever interesting,

new creative innovations that they have,

and so she's letting me work on the project for her.

Mm, yeah.

Well, can I see it?

See what?

The sculpture.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can,

um, but, it's actually at school right now

because I had to take it to school to put glitter on it.

Oh, of course.

You know, it's a project.

You have to make it crafty.

Kind of in the middle of something right now, Greg.

When I first started

going to St. Michael's,

kids would ask if I was adopted when they saw Mom.

I will be back in half an hour, okay?

- Okay. - Condoms can wait.

I'd roll my eyes at them

- and be offended, but honestly- - Angie-

- Sometimes I struggle to believe

I share chromosomes with her.

You can tell me stuff, okay?

Especially these days.

I know.

Some moms know

every detail of their kids' lives.

Meanwhile, I don't tell Mom anything, ever,

and she doesn't mind.

Makes it easier for her to drown herself in work

like it's some sort of drug or something.

Every new client or case won

is the hit she needs to feel something, I guess.

But it's best that we live in separate bubbles.

She has her coping mechanisms, I have mine.

Do you think I'm driven?

I think you drive me crazy.

I'm being serious.

I mean, you seem really driven with your art.

Ms. Trevino won't stop gushing

about your abominations in my class.

- Really? - Yeah.

I don't know, I just think I should be

maybe more driven with different things.

Like what?

I don't know, something that matters.

You don't think your art matters?

I don't really know.

I mean, in this economy it's not a bad idea

to have a backup plan, I guess.

What are you saying?

It's a good idea to have options, I don't know.

So you think I'm a shitty artist?

That is not what I'm saying.

If you thought I was a good artist

then you wouldn't tell me to have a backup plan.

Oh my god.

Are you being serious right now?

I don't even know why I ever tell you anything.

You're trying to villainize me,

but all I was doing was making a practical suggestion.

Liam.

You have a girlfriend.

You act like I don't exist at school.

I think it's safe to say that you're an asshole.

God, I fucking hate you sometimes.

Can we just have a Coke and a smile?

A Coke and a smile?

Is this because of your parents?

No!

Angie, I get what you're going through.

I mean, it's rough, I know.

Sure.

Angie, my parents got divorced

when I was in fifth grade.

I always see your parents together

at St. Michael's functions.

That's my stepmom.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, most people don't.

So, where's your mom?

I'm sorry, I had no idea.

Yeah.

Well, it sucks that you hate me, Angie.

I don't hate you, Liam.

Because I really do like you.

I think you're cool, I like your art.

I like hanging out with you.

I think I'm in love with you.

What?

I'm in love with you.

Liam's...

the most popular guy at school.

I mean, like when he walks down the hallway

you'd think it was like Moses

parting the Red Sea, or something, you know?

There are girls who laugh hysterically at his jokes

even when they're not funny,

girls who would pay to have him in their prom photos,

but I don't know,

when he's with me, in my room,

he's not just the hot guy at school.

He doesn't tower over me,

you know, like he would.

I can see everything up close when we're together,

I can see all his imperfections, all his pores.

When I'm lying next to him,

his nose looks bigger,

like he's in a fun house or something.

He's vulnerable around me,

and I'm vulnerable around him.

Is that love?

Hey.

Hey.

Are you leaving?

Yeah, I gotta head out.

Too busy for waffles?

Yeah, I've got some stuff I've gotta do.

See ya.

I love you.

Hello, hello, hello.

What's poppin', party people?

Okay.

Today's the day that I'm going to split you into pairs

for your literary projects.

I have Joshua and Alex, Naomi and Zachary,

Natalie and Casey, Liam and Josh,

Angie and Sheryl,

Tim and Hannah,

Rebecca and Lily.

I'm so glad I get to work with you

instead of this idiot.

You're not gonna tell Sheryl anything, are you?

No.

Just 'cause she'd like,

lose her shit, you know what I mean?

I don't know why you don't just tell her.

She's fragile.

What?

Angie, life is like an ocean.

What?

- And- - This is already

- a terrible metaphor. - And you are like

- a sturdy old battleship. - Sturdy old battleship?

And she's like...

a flimsy sailboat.

I'm a sturdy battleship and Sheryl is a flimsy sailboat?

When you put it like that it sounds really bad,

but what I'm saying is, you're tough.

I like that about you, you're tough.

Sheryl has a panic attack

because her Instagram photo about the Lululemon bags,

or whatever, only gets 10,000 likes.

Flimsy-ass sailboat.

I just...

I just think things would be so much easier

if you just told her, and then we could all move on.

You don't know her like I do, trust me.

Enough with the metaphors.

You know what we've never done?

We've never had sex while we're high as balls.

Oh my god, Liam, I am not in the right head space.

Oh come on, Angie, don't you wanna soak up

all life has to offer?

Must you always shove your dick in an orifice?

Only yours.

Um, you know,

I've been thinking about getting back into pottery.

Uh-huh.

Um, they're having some new classes at the Strand.

I'm thinking about signing up.

- Oh yeah? - Mm-hmm.

Hey, you wanna make out?

Hey, Angie!

Ready to be or not to be?

- You know, Hamlet- - No, I got it.

I guess standup comedy's not exactly in my future.

- All right, let's go. - Okay.

- Hey, sweetie. - Hey, Mom.

Sheryl, who is your friend?

Oh, this is Angie.

Remember, I told you she was coming over

to work on that English project?

Hi.

Angie.

You are just beautiful.

Thank you.

Where were you born?

Uh, Galveston.

No, like, what's your, uh, nationality?

- Mom! - Uh, American.

Shh.

American.

Oh, uh, where were your parents born?

Oh, um, my dad's Chinese

and my mom's a blend of English,

- Scottish, and German. - Mom, stop.

Shh.

So, you're biracial?

That's really in right now.

Sheryl and I were looking on Instagram,

it's like, the thing.

You know, Sheryl's a model.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Modeling is like, she's really good at it.

Sheryl, would you raise the camera just a little bit?

Oh my god, Mom, stop.

You did not just use the Lord's name in vain in our home.

We don't do that, Angie,

we don't use the Lord's name in vain in our home.

Your father told you not to wear that skirt.

Yeah, well, Dad didn't seem to care

when I got paid $500 to post about it.

Would you watch the attitude

when we have guests, please?

Angie, do you wanna get out of here

and work on the English project?

- Maybe get some froyo? - Uh-

- Oh, no, I'm making a pie

- and I would love for you to- - Great!

Great.

I'm gonna go get changed really quickly.

I am so sorry for our bickering.

I just think Oriental people are so beautiful.

And those babies, they're just like little,

little panda bears.

You have a lovely home.

I know, it's true.

Angie, hey.

Angie!

Angie, hey, where are you going?

- Angie, where are you going? - I can't go in there.

- Why? - I just can't!

- But there's this new flavor- - Jesus Christ!

Sheryl, no!

Okay.

Angie, what's going on?

He's my dad.

He shouldn't be hanging out in froyo shops without me.

And did you see the color he was wearing?

Salmon.

Fucking, who wears fucking salmon?

Your dad, apparently.

Fuck.

I guess.

You know, parents can be pretty dumb

about things sometimes.

Like, did you see the email

my mom sent the whole PTA about movie night?

No.

Yeah, well, she invited them all over

to Netflix and chill.

Oh, no.

Oh yeah, it was bad.

I still don't have the heart to tell her.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through

all that stuff, though.

If it were me, I think I'd explode.

I doubt it.

Why do you say that?

I don't know.

You just have all your stuff together.

Everyone loves you.

I don't know about that.

A lot of people have been talking behind my back recently.

People say I'm stuck up.

Do you think I'm stuck up?

I don't really know you.

You know, there was this guy from Galveston College,

and he kept sending me these really gross DMs,

like saying that he wanted

to paint a picture with my blood.

And Cindy told everyone that I liked the attention.

- What the hell? - Yeah.

I thought Cindy and you were like, best friends.

So did I.

Oh, it was awful.

I had to get a restraining order,

and all these lawyers had to look through my messages.

It's over now, though, thankfully.

- Damn. - Yeah.

I don't know, I guess I always thought

your life was perfect, or something.

Like if there was a girl who didn't poop, it would be you.

Or if you did, it'd be like rainbows.

Nope.

Trust me, I poop.

A lot.

You should make that an Instagram caption.

Oh, I'm definitely doing that when I get home.

It'll make me more relatable.

Get a sponsorship for Pepto-Bismol.

I can't believe this is the first time

making jiaozi, Angie.

Yeah, well, my mom's white and my dad doesn't really

know how to cook, so.

Actually, he tried to make us mapo tofu the other week.

- Yeah. - Really?

- Yeah. - That's a first.

A lot of firsts from that guy these days.

Anyways.

I think this is my best one yet.

Thanks, Mom.

Do you speak any Mandarin, Angie?

No, actually.

I went to a Chinese school in Houston when I was younger,

but I quit in third grade.

So Fai didn't keep up with it, I guess?

Nope, he didn't see the point.

But you speak Mandarin, right, Fang?

Yeah.

Did you go to Chinese school?

Yeah.

Growing up, you know, I told Fang she can speak

whatever she want outside the house-

- Mom.

But inside it was only Mandarin.

- I just thought- - Stop.

You know, many ABCs who have no sense

- where they come from. - Don't.

- Like me? - No-

- Wow, these are gorgeous.

Who made this little beauty, huh?

Fang, Dad.

Who fuckin' else?

Oh, also, since we're on the topic

of me being a clueless ABC,

what's the word for homewrecker in Mandarin?

I don't think we ever got to that in Chinese school.

Angie, other room.

Now!

- Mom, why did you do that? - What?

You made her feel bad.

I was just asking questions.

You keep comparing us to each other

every time we're next to each other.

What is wrong with you, Angie?

Nothing is wrong with me!

That was so disrespectful!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

what's disrespectful is you getting a whole new family

- one fucking month- - I don't care, okay?

I don't care.

Those are good people out there,

they don't deserve this!

Okay, you...

You can't say something like that, okay?

Dad, you don't know how hard it is.

You don't listen!

You didn't listen to mom!

You don't listen to me!

You didn't even tell me who this woman was!

Sorry, Angie. I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry that you think it's-

Shut up and let me talk!

I'm sorry that you think it's disrespectful that I don't want-

-Angie, that's enough!

I didn't mean it, Angie-

Hey, just calling you to let you know

that Coach is subbing you out of forward now.

He's pretty pissed you haven't been showing up.

You know how militant he gets.

Anyways, I, I just wanted to let you know

that I had a waffle the other day,

You know, I didn't put as much syrup on it as you do,

but, you know.

Felt weird not eating waffles with Angie Chen, is all.

Kinda like I miss you.

Anyways, just uh, call me back.

All right.

I think you should stop coming over.

Do you still have feelings for me?

It doesn't really matter now.

That wasn't a no.

Shut up.

Still not a no.

You know, I feel like I can be myself around you.

I sound like such an idiot.

You don't sound like an idiot.

Do you feel the same way?

It's okay.

It's okay, it's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Hello!

My name is Rosencrantz and this is Guildenstern!

Hello.

And we're here to tell you

about an old dear friend of mine, William Shakespeare.

Sorry.

Uh, who's William Shakespeare again?

Oh, Guildenstern, you silly goose!

He wrote us, remember?

How could I have possibly forgotten?

He wrote us in a play called "Hamlet."

Ah, yes.

And he wrote a lot of other plays, too.

O, Romeo, O Romeo,

wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,

and I will no longer be a Capulet.

Ah, my dearest friend,

which one of thou suitors dost thou lovest the best?

Believe me, sister, in all my years

I have never beheld a man so special

that I would fancy him over any other.

Minion!

Thou liest!

My dear Horatio.

I die!

Thou potent poison dost-

- Oh my god! - Oh my god-

- That was so good! - I cannot believe

we pulled that off.

- That was so good. - I know, right?

Wait, I have to take a

picture for my Instagram.

- Okay. - This is a monumental moment.

Okay.

All right, perfect.

Uh, can I take one for my time capsule?

- You have a time capsule? - Yeah, I have a time capsule.

I've always wanted a time capsule.

- Really? - Yeah, but I always

get so lazy, I always forget about it in the end.

Well, I mean, I'll make you a copy of this one

if you ever wanna start it again.

Um, that's awesome.

- Thank you. - Do you wanna do a silly one?

- Yeah, sure. - Okay.

Perfect.

- Dost thou wantest froyo? - Oh my god, sure.

Okay.

We should wipe this off first, though.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Cheers, lady. - Cheers.

Ugh, I am so glad I got paired with you on this project.

You're like a breath of fresh air at this school.

- Aw. - Hmm?

It's Liam.

He has been so sweet lately.

Just like, really attentive and present, you know?

I don't know.

I think I just might go for it.

- For what? - You know,

finally getting my V-card revoked.

What?

Yeah.

I mean, we've been talking,

and we've both been saving ourselves for the right person-

- I'm sorry, saving yourselves?

Yeah.

Liam's a virgin.

Really?

I know, it's cute, right?

It's something.

I don't know, Sheryl,

don't you think this is a big decision to make?

Yeah, I guess, but I don't know, I know him,

and I know he's a good guy, so I trust him.

What makes him a good guy?

I don't know, I...

I just feel like I can tell him things, and,

he's the only guy who's ever been with me

who hasn't been pressure-y about sex.

Yeah, but, don't you think, like-

- Oh, and that reminded me.

Um, his birthday's coming up

and I was wondering if you would draw a picture of us.

I'd love to.

Okay, great.

- Hey. - Howdy.

Just come in.

It's good to see you, too.

So, I've been thinking,

and you need to tell Sheryl about us.

Uh...

I refuse to be complicit in this anymore.

Okay, Angie, hold on.

Just-just calm down for a second,

breathe in, breathe out.

- Don't touch me. - Okay.

Angie, I'm sorry.

Angie, if she found out now it would crush her.

I think she'd rather be upset than ignorant.

No, she wouldn't be upset, she would be suicidal.

Wow, you sure know how to flatter yourself.

Angie, come on.

If you're not gonna call her, then I will.

What are you doing?

No, Angie, give me the phone.

Can I have the...

- Angie, give me the phone. - Don't touch me.

- Give me the phone! - Get off of me!

- Give me the phone! - Get off of me!

Get off!

What the hell is going on in here?

Hey!

Angie! Are you OK?

I'm fine! I have to go.

What is going on?

Are you having sex with that boy?

You lied to me?

I didn't even say anything.

Who was that person, Angie?

You can ground me when I get back,

or whatever makes you feel like a responsible mother.

Whatever makes me feel like a responsible mother?

Don't act like you suddenly care, okay?

That is 100% unfair.

You know both of us have had a rough couple of months.

Whatever.

- I just gotta go. - Angie!

Angie, you are being completely neurotic!

Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I guess!

Hi.

Angie, hi.

I need to talk to you.

Yeah, um, hold on.

Sorry, uh.

- Someone just- - Sheryl, please!

Slow down.

Hold on one second, I'm sorry.

Liam's having a panic attack about something.

- I need to talk to you. - Slow do-

- Sheryl, I need to talk to you right now!

Okay! What?

She's crazy, okay?

She's being psychotic!

Don't listen to her.

- Sheryl- - Please.

Sheryl, don't talk to her,

she's being crazy!

Hello?

Hello, Sheryl?

Sheryl, can you hear me?

Hello?

I've never felt so broken in my entire life.

He acted like he was so in love with me.

God, I'm such an idiot!

Sheryl...

I mean, look at you, you're amazing.

There are plenty of guys

on Instagram who would love to date you.

Every guy who wants to date me

doesn't really wanna get to know me.

God, I hate him!

I didn't even wanna date him in the first place

but he kept pressuring me to!

I hate him!

I'm sorry.

And you.

I thought you were supposed to be my friend, Angie.

I thought, wow, here's this girl and she's so cool,

and we have the same sense of humor

and she's passionate about cool stuff!

I was so excited to be your friend.

I was wrong.

I was wrong about everything.

Angie.

Angie, wake up.

Oh my god, Dad.

Your mom said you ran away.

What happened?

Nothing happened.

We had a fight.

I'm fine.

Things don't look fine to me.

It's Martinelli's, I swear.

Okay.

Scooch.

I shouldn't laugh about that.

Look, I'm not good at this enhanced interrogation stuff,

not like your mom.

But could you honestly tell me what happened?

Do you even care?

Why would you say something like that, Angie?

Of course I do.

Do you really think I enjoy

seeing you only twice a month?

I don't.

I mean, it just seems like you have

the perfect family now.

With Fang and Min, and everything.

Is that what you think?

You think...

You think I want you to be more like Fang?

Look, Fang is amazing.

I mean, she's probably gonna cure cancer

and take us to the moon one day, I don't know.

But you're amazing, too, Angie.

I don't want you to be like Fang.

I'm kinda glad that you are not like me at all.

You can be weird sometimes, you know?

Thank you?

Look, I remember when you were five.

I took you to this park in Austin.

It's got this big pecan tree right there.

All the boys wanna climb it.

They just stood around and yelled at each other,

no one dared to jump up.

You?

The little girl in the team?

You push away all the boys and hop, hop, hop,

all the way up to the tree, like a little monkey!

You remember that?

Your mom and I are absolutely terrified.

You didn't ask for our permission.

You never ask for permission, though.

Not to live your life.

Not to find what passion to pursue.

And that's what's so special about you, Angie.

I want you to know that.

Remember this?

You remember little Horatio?

It's been in my pocket for 10 years now.

Why?

It's atrocious.

I'll tell you why.

Some day, some day people's gonna be jealous

of your old man for having an Angie Chen original.

Come on.

Things are gonna be okay, all right?

It's gonna be okay.

Good luck.

You're gonna need it.

Can I come in?

I guess.

Can I help you highlight?

All right.

Highlight wherever you see 2018.

I'm sorry for what I said yesterday.

You know I didn't mean it.

Are you having sex with him?

Yes.

Angie...

I know.

Are you on birth control?

Why didn't you just tell me?

I was having an affair with that boy.

An affair?

What do you mean?

Like,

that boy had a girlfriend,

and I slept with him anyway.

Stop.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Legs up.

Legs up.

Legs up.

Come on.

All right, all right.

I can't believe I'm gonna tell you this.

I was married right out of high school.

What?

Yeah.

With someone who wasn't Dad?

Yeah.

I need details.

Well, he was a few years older than me,

and he was a pseudo musician who couldn't hold down a job.

How did you two meet?

I was about your age and I would sneak out

to go to his concerts.

You snuck out?

Oh yeah.

Were they good?

Oh, no, they were awful.

But he wore eyeliner and he looked like Kurt Cobain,

so, priorities.

I had an awful job working with an unorganized realtor,

and one day I came home to find out that my husband

blew our entire savings.

Savings I had, uh, earned, by the way,

to record a demo.

Of course it didn't go anywhere,

so we had nothing.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

I was so humiliated.

I had to move back in with your grandparents.

What happened to your husband?

Shortly after, I found out he'd been having an affair

with the bartender from our favorite bar.

Weren't you devastated?

I was.

But I found out pretty quickly

that he was just a footnote in my life essay.

Hey.

Hi.

Look, thanks for agreeing to meet with-

- Don't.

Sorry.

So, are you two dating now?

No.

Why not?

That's not who I wanna be.

I'm just sorry I had to be a casualty

in you figuring that out.

Me too.

Thanks, though.

For what?

For telling me.

I mean, it hurt.

It still hurts, but...

you helped me dodge a bullet, I think.

Well, you deserve someone who's-

- This doesn't mean we're friends.

Right.

I'll see myself out.

Hey, future Angie, it's me again.

You know, life is rough.

A lot of the time.

But I'm sure you've figured that out.

People are gonna come in and out of your life.

That's inevitable.

And maybe you can't always control what happens,

but you can control how you respond.

Anyways, Rebecca and I have been

researching colleges together.

Okay, well, we spend half the time researching

and the other half of the time,

Rebecca tries to find dirt

on our future orientation advisors.

Maybe you do remember her after all.

After the Shakespeare presentation,

Ms. Robinson encouraged Sheryl to get involved with theater.

I heard she was cast in a production of "9 to 5".

I hope she's happy.

Liam already has a new girlfriend.

Some blonde girl who transferred from Ball High.

It's funny how he was this mythical presence in my life,

but when I look at him now...

he's just a boy.

You know, I spent so much time

thinking about all the things I wasn't,

but now, I've been spending a lot more time

thinking about all the things that I am,

all the things I can create.

Hey.

Hey.

Thanks for meeting me here.

Yeah.

What's up?

Just admiring the view.

It is a gorgeous one.

I am really sorry about when I came over.

You called my mom a homewrecker.

Well, technically I didn't call her a homewrecker,

I just asked what the word for it was in Mandarin.

Yeah, it was really bad, you're right.

I just want my mom to be happy, you know?

But it's been tough.

I know.

I'll apologize to her.

I'd really appreciate that.

I know things have been kinda crazy here,

but are you excited for Stanford?

Honestly, I'm really nervous.

Why?

It's just so far away.

I don't know anyone in California,

and I'm not too great at making new friends.

I know what that feels like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I mean, think about it this way,

like, everyone you meet there

is gonna be going through some kinda big change, right?

- Yeah. - So, you won't be alone.

That's true.

Do you wanna-

- Go for a walk? - Yeah.

- Yeah, let's do it. - Okay.

- So, when do you leave? - Uh, beginning of August.

- Oh my gosh, that's so soon! - I know.

My mom and I have this whole road trip planned out.

We're gonna stop by the Grand Canyon.

Nice, nice.

I started making a playlist, so many podcasts.

Always a must.

Have you made the drive before?

So, I'll sign off now.

This is my last vlog.

See you on the other side.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull