Original subtitles

(SOPRANO HOLDS FINAL, GENTLE NOTE)

(ORCHESTRA ENDS GENTLY)

(RECORD PLAYER CLICKS)

(DOOR SHUTS)

- Your tap-dancing was good, but your Bobby lacked vulnerability.

- Well, in my defence, I was 14.

- Did age stop Sir Laurence Olivier from playing Othello?

- Such a good point. - What do you want, Charlie?

I've finished your mother's biscuits, so I'm not offering you tea.

- I need you to come back � to Pizazz.

I can't do it.

- Yes, I heard about your little tantrum.

As a director, it's very important to keep one's emotions under control.

- Can you just do it, Adrian?

- But... the show opens tonight.

- If not for me, then... Mum.

- Gaye has made her feelings about me very clear.

- Adrian, if you need me to beg,

I will do it.

- Ave, geek.

Well, I won't be part of your tragedy, Charlie Summers.

You can stay kneeling!

I have directed 113 productions at Pizazz,

and never in my career have I been so badly treated.

I gave everything to that musical, and what did I get in return?

Jealousy and betrayal. I feel like J K Rowling.

- Please.

- Well, I can't be expected to make such a big decision on the spot. You've said your piece �

I suggest you leave while you still have a sliver of dignity left,

and you can put the record back on!

Tosca's just about to murder Scarpia.

WHISPERS: It's my favourite part.

(CLICK!)

(ARIA FROM 'TOSCA' SOARS)

(DOOR SQUEAKS)

(ARIA CONTINUES, ORCHESTRA SWELLS)

(RECORD SCRATCH, WOODWIND TRILLS)

(CREAK!)

(LIGHT, MISCHIEVOUS WOODWIND MUSIC)

(LIQUID SPLATTERS)

(XYLOPHONE PICKS UP MELODY)

(SEABIRDS CRY)

- OK, well, I'll make a list.

- Well, we need to space the choreo on the set.

- Good idea.

- We also need the set.

- Uh... excellent point.

Um� Connor?

The horse?

- Uh� it's a bit...

lame.

- Ah.

- So I was thinking maybe Gloria and I could come up with a workaround.

- STAMMERS: Oh� I-I've actually got to rehearse the band.

- Oh! Absolutely. Oh, she's busy.

Um...

- Gaye? - Yes, sweetheart?

- Ezra needs help. - Darling, what's wrong?

- The costumes aren't ready. He's run out of time. - (SNIFFLES)

- Oh. Oh well, you know �

I mean, do we� do we even need costumes? (CHUCKLES)

- OTHERS: Yes. - Yeah. - Yes, of course we do.

- We're not at a funeral, ladies! (RAZZLE-DAZZLING MUSIC)

This is show business!

- Adrian.

I didn't think you'd ever� - Gaye.

There'll be plenty of time for apologising later.

Right now, we have a show to put on!

Gloria, you should be rehearsing the band, not fraternising with members of the cast.

Now, the rest of you �

clear the stage

for my ladies!

Margaret, pick up the pace. Don't waste their time, Ezra.

You have two hours.

- Thank you.

- You can't stage a war without an army, can you?

And you can't run an army without... a general.

(MILITARY MUSIC)

- CHUCKLES: Hey, Nicky! - Ah, no time for hugs.

- Right! Let's get this show on the road! (DRUM ROLL)

(CYMBALS CLASH)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYS DETERMINED MUSIC)

- ADAM: Five, six, seven, eight!

One and two!

Two and four!

(DETERMINED MUSIC CONTINUES)

(BUSY CHATTER)

(MUSIC GENTLES, FADES)

- Just show it to me, Nancy.

- We've got a slight issue with the horse.

- Looks like a Shetland pony.

(WHEEZING ELECTRONIC WHINNY)

(WHINNY DISTORTS, DIES)

(DOG WHINES, YELPS)

(SEAGULLS CRY)

(DOG WHINES, YELPS)

- Get out of it, Barbara!

- Hello... (WHINES)

...fur thing.

- It's Charlie, right?

Steve.

Married to Adam.

- CHUCKLES: Oh, right, yes.

Adam.

Um, we...

- Made out.

I know.

Hot.

- Oh. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Oh.

- You lost?

- No, no. I often come to the beach to... work, or...

you know, eat...

pray,

love.

- Heard you were fired.

- Yes, well, Catz is a very challenging project.

- From Pizazz.

- Yes, that's also true.

- Adam's been buzzing about it all week.

Loved it.

- Excuse me? - Well, it's just drama, drama, drama at that place, eh?

Suppose it's why you all go.

You excited about tonight?

- I wouldn't be welcome.

- It's only music theatre, mate.

Never had a bad night at Pizazz.

You can be my date,

unless you need to...

you know, work.

(QUIRKY WOODWIND MUSIC)

(SEAGULL SQUAWKS)

(QUIRKY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

- All members of Pizazz � beginners on stage.

Thanks. Beginners on stage.

- Gloria.

Gloria.

(QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES)

Look, it's all my fault. I shouldn't have run away.

I'm sorry.

(DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC SWELLS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

My family carries an intergenerational blood curse, and I don't want you to be maimed.

For the last 27 years, every time my family marries someone, they get into a hand accident.

You're a composer. You need your hands.

(LOCK RATTLES, UNLOCKS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Look, I can't let anything happen to you.

Or your hands.

The world needs to hear your music.

(POIGNANT CELLO MUSIC)

I just wish I could have given you the big horse you deserve.

- Just makes so much sense.

I could always feel there was this shadow following you, and now I know why.

- Shadow.

That's it. You're a genius!

- I am?

(DELICATE STRING MUSIC SWELLS)

- Gloria!

Hurry up!

(CHATTER) - Hey, guys.

I think we're just in� - Sorry.

- ...just in here. - Sorry. Excuse me.

I'm sorry. - So sorry.

Hi, Reverend. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

(HUSHED, GOSSIPY CHATTER)

(GENTLE INTRODUCTION PLAYS) (APPLAUSE)

- Come back in time,

1100 BC,

to the most exquisite kingdom that you ever did see.

- The fall of an empire.

- A city destroyed.

- Our mythic musical �

- ALL: Welcome to Troy.

- An epic adventure, a tale of woe.

- It's the Greeks against the Trojans, which you probably know.

- WOMEN: There's plenty of women, it's not just the boys.

- And of course, there is a horse.

- Welcome to Troy.

- Heroes and villains, kings and queens,

tales of glory and glorious scenes.

Acts of deception and torrid affairs� - Ah-ah-ah.

- All in the service of those upstairs.

(BIG BROADWAY-STYLE MUSICAL BRIDGE)

(ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF, DISCO INTRO)

- We are the goddesses � we cause all this fuss.

This is the danger of not listening to us.

We need respect or disaster awaits �

contempt for us is tempting fate.

- Don't tempt fate...

(ORCHESTRA SLOWS)

- You're all in for an evening

we hope you enjoy.

Our show is all historical,

the war is allegorical,

the horse is metaphorical.

- And me, I play an oracle!

Oh, go on.

Welcome to Troy.

(BIG ORCHESTRAL FLOURISH)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Stagehand!

- I'm not fighting for Hector.

- You're not fighting for him. - I'm not fighting for pride.

- And if you lose a limb or two... - No, I am fighting for you.

- I will wait for you. - (VOCALISES)

I am fighting...

- TOGETHER: For you.

(GENTLE STRING AND PIANO FINALE)

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

- Paris, noble prince...

the winds of war

blow beyond our control.

Your love has sparked a flame,

and destiny fans its embers.

- But at what cost, Helen?

For the streets echo with the suffering of our kin.

- Perhaps a sip of wine

may lighten the burden that fate has cast upon us.

(RATTLING, CLINKING)

Some wine, perhaps?

(RATTLING) Wine?

(RUSTLING, COUGHING)

Cassandra!

HISSES: Sandra!

- Uh.

- Uh...

Uh...

Wine?

- It seems my maid may have tasted the wine already.

(LAUGHTER)

(RATTLING)

(CREAKING)

(THUD!)

- D'ooh! (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

- (SIGHS)

(TEMPESTUOUS ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)

- CHOIR: Ah, ah!

Ah, ah.

Ah, ah...

- (NOTE WOBBLES) Ah, ah.

- We are the daughters of Lycomedes,

here on the island of Skyros.

(DRAMATIC BRASS MUSIC PLAYS)

- I am Odysseus,

and I'm here to find Achilles.

Is he here?

- FALSETTO: No.

HIGH: No Achilles here.

(LAUGHTER)

- Really?

No Achilles?

The greatest warrior of all time?

- HIGH: Nope. (LAUGHTER)

- Really? Manly guy, very butch.

- We are the daughters of... - Stand by for start.

(DRAMATIC BRASS FLOURISH)

- Enough!

Thank you for your time... - WHISPERS: Hold.

...ladies.

- Hold.

(DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC)

(BRASS FANFARE PLAYS)

Charge!

- CHOIR: Ah, ah!

(RIP!) - Oh!

(WAILS) (CHOIR GASPS)

- Help! (CRIES OUT)

Aargh! Aaaah!

(CRIES OUT IN PANIC) - (STAMMERS, STRAINS)

Oh! Oh...

- (SCREAMS) (ALL GASP)

(CRIES OUT) (AUDIENCE GASP, EXCLAIM IN HORROR)

WAILS: Oh my God...

- Code six! Actor down!

- (GROANS)

(CRIES) Oh... - Somebody help him! Help him!

All right, you know what to do. Get the first aid kit. - Look at me. Adam. Adam.

- Can you hear me? - Get me some ice! Take that hat.

- Here's my hand. We've got you. - No, no, no. I said�

- Charlie.

- Adrian.

Help me take his other shoe off.

- Look. Look at me. - Sorry. - (ADAM GROANS)

- It's worth it, I promise. - Here we go.

- (GROANS)

- (CRIES) - And breathe...

CRIES: Aah...

- What are we gonna do now? We can't stop the show. - Sorry.

(SUBDUED, RESTLESS CONVERSATION)

- (ADAM CRIES)

- STEVE: I'm here. - (ADAM GASPS, CRIES)

WHISPERS: 1964 � Hello, Dolly! (HEART BEATS)

- 1965 � Fiddler on the Roof. (HEART BEATS FASTER)

1966 � Man of La Mancha.

(EXHALES) (HEARTBEAT POUNDS)

- MAN: Is that Charlie Summers?

- Shh-shh-shh.

(TAPS OUT RHYTHM)

- (GLORIA PLAYS NOTE)

(PLAYS TWO NOTES)

(PLAYS JAUNTY JAZZ ACCOMPANIMENT)

(JAZZ PIANO ACCOMPANIMENT SPEEDS UP)

- Whoo! Go, Charlie! - Yeah!

- That's it! - Yeah, Charlie!

- Still got it, mate!

- Whoo-hoo!

- Use those jazz hands! (LIVELY JAZZ PIANO CONTINUES)

- Yeah!

- NICKY: (HISSES) Charlie.

Charlie! We're ready! - Whoo-hoo!

- All right!

(WHISTLING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

- Without further ado...

- It is I �

Achilles! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL FLOURISH)

- So I scream into the void,

even though it cannot hear me.

- (RASPS) - I scream into the void...

- Nice save with Mia before.

- Happens every time a newbie gets on the big stage.

- (MIA SINGS SWEETLY) - Seems to be on top of it now.

- The audience adore you. (CHUCKLES)

- What are you doing here, Charlie?

- Apologising, I guess.

- No. Here.

(MUFFLED APPLAUSE) In Tauranga.

Cos I... I can't quite work it out.

- Well, obviously, I was fired from Catz.

- So you thought you'd come home and ruin everything I've worked towards for the last 15 years?

- Pizazz is all I've got, Charlie, OK?

This is it. This is my limit.

- They're saying I assaulted Sally Field.

I mean� (SCOFFS) if you're personifying a cat, you don't even need a tail, you know?

But apparently, the only reason Sally did the show was so that she could wear a cat costume.

And then when I got rid of the cat costumes completely, she turned up the next day wearing

a cat costume that she'd designed herself.

And no, I wasn't chasing around the rehearsal room like the producers were saying �

we just ended up on the same garbage can after a very brief argument.

And OK, yes, maybe I pulled her tail off,

but no, I did not ever try and push her off the garbage cans.

I was holding on to it � if anything, to try and stop her from falling off.

So, actually, if you think about it, it's her own substandard sewing skills

that led to her tail detaching from the rest of her suit, which is how she fell off and broke her wrist.

(GASPS)

(HUMIDIFIER MASK HISSES)

(INHALES, EXHALES)

(INHALES, EXHALES)

- Who else knows?

- Officially, no one...

except you. (LAUGHS WRYLY)

They made everyone in production sign NDAs, so it's still a secret.

(APPLAUSE) - SIGHS: Right.

- NICKY OVER PA: Cast on stage for the horse sequence.

That's... stand by for the horse.

- Please... don't tell anyone.

- Faith,

(SOFTLY) trust...

- ...and pixie dust. (CHUCKLES)

(SASSY BRASS INTRO)

- Just stop and wait a minute, please just think this through.

You don't think that this might be too good to be true?

Why would our enemies just disappear and run?

Without a warning shot, they just decide they're done.

Well, I'm not buying, so I'm gonna say this clear �

this horse is just a source of fraudulence and fear.

- CHORUS: Greeks bearing gifts.

- You are not listening, I am sounding the alarm. - Excuse me. Sorry.

- Greeks bearing gifts.

- These Greeks aren't generous, they mean to cause us harm.

- Greeks bearing gifts.

They spent a decade getting here, why would they leave?

- Greeks bearing gifts...

- What are you doing? - Trust me. I'm an electrician.

- Cassandra, no, you are no use,

unlike the horse � thanks be to Zeus,

for the Greeks

bearing...

- ...gifts!

- Greeks bearing gifts.

(FINAL MUSICAL FLOURISH)

(APPLAUSE)

(SPOTLIGHT CLINKS)

(EXCLAMATIONS)

(TROJANS MURMUR EXCITEDLY)

(TROJANS MURMUR) CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(WHOOPING)

(CHEERING)

- NICKY: Stand by...

and...

go.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC, BLADES SCRAPE) (GREEKS LAUGH CRUELLY)

(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC, (BATTLE CRIES, GRUNTS)

(CRIES, GRUNTS CONTINUE)

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

(FINAL ORCHESTRAL FLOURISH)

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

(HOVERING, POIGNANT MUSIC PLAYS)

- When you set sail

across the sea,

- you're heading home where you're meant to be.

- You pray the winds and skies are calm.

- And you hope the trip won't bring you harm.

- But you can't control what danger awaits you.

You don't like the odds� - Cos the gods, well, they hate you.

So the weather turns,

all your hope is gone.

Do you turn back now

or journey on?

I'll go the long way home.

The storm arrives, it's here to stay.

The long way home.

But at least I'm on my way.

My fortune is falling,

but home, it is calling,

I know.

I'll go the long way home.

(APPLAUSE)

I don't know how long it takes,

the long way home.

There's a chance the journey makes me tired and weary,

might be lonely and scary,

I know.

- I'll go the long way

home... - Long way home.

- Cue confetti.

Oh, way-oh, oh, way-oh. - (VOCALISES)

- Long way home.

- There's a chance the journey makes me

- tired and weary,

might be lonely and scary,

I know.

- I know. - I know.

I'll go the long way

home. - Long way, long way, long way, long way, long way, long way home.

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC)

(CAST EXCLAIM, LAUGH)

(DELIGHTED CHATTER)

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

(GENTLE, UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC)

- Tauranga. - Oh.

- (CHUCKLES)

- Tauranga.

(OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC)

(PHONE CHIMES)

(PHONE CHIMES)

(TURBULENT MUSIC)

(HEARTBEAT THUDS)

- (CLICKS TONGUE) - CAST: So the weather turns,

all your hope is gone.

Do you turn back now...

(PHONE ALERTS POP, WHISTLE AND CHIME)

I'll go the long way home.

The storm arrives,

it's here to stay � the long way home.

But at least I'm on my way.

My fortune is falling,

but home, it is calling,

I know.

I'll go the long way

Home. - Long way home.

- Oh, way-oh, oh, way-oh.

- Long way home.

- Oh, way-oh, oh, way-oh.

- Home.

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