Original subtitles

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[Tires screech] Flute: Uhh!

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Minivan!

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Uhh. [Sips] Ugh. Sweet potato.

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Food truck!

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[Grunting] Ugh.

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Kang: What's wrong? Go after him.

Flute: I can't. I only got one left.

Burly Bandit: One what? Flute: It's none of your business.

Kang: One testicle. He backed into a doorknob.

Popped it. Real mess.

Flute: Why are you telling him this?

Kang: I'm an open book.

Just lift your leg over slowly.

Flute: What if it catches and it tears open,

spilling out the one nickel I got left in my coin pouch?

Burly Bandit: Speaking of being torn, I want to see this,

but I should really escape.

Flute: Just go. I got this. One, two.

[Siren wails] [Horn honks]

Harmony: Firefighters say it's their most embarrassing

rescue operation since the magnifying glass fire

at Microphallus Fest.

Martinez: Ha ha. I only put my kids on my lock screen,

but for this, I'll make an exception.

[Flute grunting] I'd climb down from this

firefighter's arms right now.

if it wasn't secretly fulfilling a fantasy of mine.

[Theme music playing]

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[Crack]

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Kang: You don't need this surgery.

You can live with one.

Flute: But I can't live with the fact that there's

a criminal on the loose because I was

scared of a fence.

Once my tool-bag is back to full,

nothing will scare me.

Kang: Trying to change your destiny is always bad juju.

You need to give up this dream and accept

you're a testiclops.

Summers: A dutch lunch with Flute. Huh.

A jar of Flute's mustache trimmings.

Drive Flute home from surgery?!

Pentos: Don't bother. I'm bidding on that one.

With Flute numbed out on painkillers, I plan on

asking him to co-sign on an investment lair.

Summers: Well, I'm also bidding on that, so, best of luck.

Pentos: Luck? Luck is what happens

when preparation meets opportunity.

Like, say, someone getting mysteriously hacked

and reprogrammed to think he was a Speak n Spell.

Summers: Spell "You just crossed the line, bitch."

[Music stops]

Martinez: A celebration for your genitals?

This better be a retirement party.

Flute: I see someone left the dog door open.

Martinez: At least I got through it without calling the fire department.

Flute: Shouldn't you be getting back to the Shire?

[Cell phone vibrates]

[Chimes]

Time to pair up.

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Pentos: Here for emotional support?

Summers: Yes. And to drive Flute home from surgery.

I won the auction.

Pentos: As did I.

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Summers: I need to speak to Detective Flute

before his surgery.

I'm his partner and roommate.

Nurse Momoa: I'm afraid that doesn't qualify to get you in there.

Pentos: Of course it doesn't, you fool.

Which way to Marvin's room?

I'm his "number-one rival-enemy-

homoerotic-mentor-nemesis-guy."

Nurse Momoa: Sorry, but the patient has banned

non-family members

and someone named Stan.

Pentos: We will not be deterred in finding out

who is Flute's top foil. Follow me.

[Machine beeping]

Choir: ? Ahh ?

Flute: Full coin purse, baby.

Nurse Momoa: Your donor wrote you this letter

and insisted you read it immediately.

Flute: Why would I care what some one-nut chump has to say?

Choir: ? Ahh ?

Flute: It's supposed to glow, right?

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It's official. My unicycle is now bi.

Kang: How you feeling? Flute: I feel complete.

Everything is right with me. And now left as well.

Wynona: Quite a manspread you got there.

Flute: Please. I'm just getting started.

Kang: How are you doing that? Flute: Probably the pain meds.

Can somebody help me, please?

Dispatch: All units, the Burly Bandit spotted

fleeing the Grimsburg Arts District.

Flute: He's not getting away from me this time.

Dispatch: Reports at the scene say he's headed

toward the Fence District.

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My keyboard finally arrived.

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Pentos: Flute has to be in one of these rooms.

Summers: Have you noticed there's a lot of

smooching doctors around here?

Pentos: Yeah, ever since "Grey's Anatomy,"

this is what hospitals have become.

That's why emo pop music is always playing

whenever we walk into a room.

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Not to mention all the hit-you- over-the-head social issues.

Dr. Yazzie: I don't care that he's a racist.

You have to operate on him.

Dr. Nataf: I can't. I'm on ketamine

that I bought from your homeless son.

Dr. Yazzie: Damn you, climate change!

Nurse Momoa: You two.

Why didn't you say you were doctors?

I would have played "Challengers" with

both of you sexy rat men.

Pentos: We are looking for Marvin Flute.

Nurse Momoa: Oh, he drove himself home a while ago.

Pentos: It seems that once again, the sidekicks

have been kicked to the side.

Damn thine poetic tongue.

Nurse Momoa: Hey! Let's go. I need two doctors

who aren't furiously making out, stat.

Summers: But we're not- Pentos: What are you doing?

We finally have a chance to become

the main characters in our own story.

Summers: But Flute hates shenanigans like this.

Pentos: Well, he's not here now, is he?

Come on. One last shenanigan

and then I promise we'll never shenan-again.

Kang: Welcome to Grimsburg's Fence District.

3 square miles of downtown redeveloped into

the largest collection of fences ever constructed.

An incredible waste of tax money

and the perfect test for your new scrotum.

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Martinez: This time I'm gonna shoot landscape.

It'll make your failure more cinematic.

Flute: Time to see what you're made of, Lefty.

[Flute and Burly Bandit grunting]

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Flute: Uhh!

Burly Bandit: Uhh.

Flute: Well, Martinez, seems my boys passed the test...ees.

Burly Bandit: But how will they do on the pop quiz?

Uhh! Flute: Oof!

Burly Bandit: Uhh. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Uhh. Ha ha ha ha!

Kang: Oh, my God, he just got hit by a truck!

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Flute, high-pitched voice: To the new owner of my crystal ball.

Wait, is this my voice now?

Is it ever going to go back to [deep voice] normal?

Well, now, this is too low. I'm Morgan Freeman.

Is that offensive? Oh, thank God. I think it was.

Flute: "Upon being hit, you will see a vision

"of that person's future. "But be warned,

"do not try to change the future

"or it's gonna wicked suck for you.

I'm from Boston, by the way."

Kang: Told you. You messed with your destiny

and now your juju is poopoo.

Flute: Are you kidding? I have superpowers now.

I should join a Justice League.

Do we have a Justice League? I should start a Justice League.

Trivia Host: What was the name of Cory's

love interest on "Boy Meets World"?

Flute: I got this. Excuse me, guy whose most valuable item

is a 10-year-old laptop covered in anime stickers.

Can I submit a question? Name the smelly, unfunny,

long-winded incel who devoted his life

to something that pays nothing.

Trivia Host: Uhh!

And the answer is Topanga.

Flute: Uhh, it's Topanga.

[Wynona gasps] He's right. Flute: Wait, you knew that?

Wynona: I wanted to see if it worked.

Flute: Whatever. It's time for this prophet

to make a profit.

Man: ? Hit it ?

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Woman: ? It takes two to make a thing go right ?

? It takes two to make it outta sight ?

Man: ? Hit it, I wanna rock right now ?

? I'm Rob Base and I came to get down ?

? I'm not internationally known ?

? But I'm known to rock the microphone because ?

? I get stoopid, I mean outrageous ?

? Stay away from me if you're contagious ?

? 'Cause I'm a 1, 2, 3, get loose now ?

Woman: ? It takes two to make a ?

? It, it, it takes two to make a ?

? It, it... Wynona: We killed it. 200 bucks.

Flute: What? Why didn't you bet more?

Wynona: I'm cash poor. All my money is tied up in

Princess Diana Beanie Babies.

Martinez: What's going on in here?

Otis: Flute's new nad has psychic powers.

If you kick it, he can see your future.

Martinez: That's it! No more talking about Flute's

gross testicle all the time!

Flute: You're the gross one who works out at lunch

and then comes back looking like a Studio Ghibli witch.

Martinez: I hate you more than anything.

Flute: And I hate you more than having to create a password

with an uppercase and a lowercase and a number and a symbol.

Martinez: Oh, yeah, doofus? Well, how's this

for case sensitive? Aah!

At work, I hated this doofus.

But now we've been married for 30 years,

maybe 10 more if this guy's liver holds out. Ha ha ha!

But that would take a miracle.

[Flute screaming]

Kang: I wonder what he saw.

Wynona: I should get back to work.

Martinez: Yeah. I'm gonna go prep my statements

for explaining this to HR.

Summers: It's crazy how easy pretending to be a doctor is.

Pentos: I know. I did my pre-med at Hulu.

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Mayor Dilquez: Thank you, doctors, for filling in

on my engorgement surgery.

Summers: E-e-engorgement?

Mayor Dilquez: Well, my wife asked for it.

I know most men enhance in the other direction,

but she's quite shallow.

I was hoping for something in the neighborhood

of, uh, this.

Summers: We can't do this.

Pentos: That is exactly what Flute would say.

But we are free of his negativity now.

And what better way to celebrate than by surgically enhancing

this teacup piggy into a certified blue ribbon hog?

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Kang: So, what did you see when Martinez kicked you?

Based on your screams, I assume it was

something horrific, like Gaga doing another jazz album.

Flute: Worse. I saw an old Martinez

and she was married to me, who was also old.

Kang: But that can't be. I have you dying next year

in the office death pool. Flute: So do I.

Plus, we despise each other.

Remember when she filled all my socks with bees?

Or when she superglued my toes together?

Or that time she catfished me as Vince Vaughn?

Kang: She really had his voice down.

Flute: This doesn't make any sense.

Kang: Doesn't it? I mean,

isn't this how all love stories start?

"Much Ado About Nothing." "Pride and Prejudice."

"10 Things I Hate About You." "Tangled."

"She-Ra and the Princesses of Power."

"You've Got Mail." All airport books.

Fire Island. "When Harry Met Sally." "Never Have I Ever."

"The Mindy Project." Every other Mindy Kaling project.

Flute: Oh, God, what do I do?

Kang: As I've said all along,

you do nothing.

Accept your fate

and embrace your future.

Flute: That's it. But the opposite.

I refuse my fate and change my future.

All I got to do is stay away from Martinez.

Martinez: Flute! When you're done icing down

your seed satchel, we have to interview

that witness in the Bingo Bopper case.

Don't make me regret this any more than I already do.

Flute: Oh, I'm gonna make you regret this

very much more than you already do.

Because I'm about to do the impossible:

stop a woman from falling in love with me.

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Summers: Hope that worked. I was kind of just

making things up as we went along.

Wikihow's genital elective surgery section

was very lacking.

Mayor Dilquez: Gentlemen,

what an amazing success!

I'm recommending you two to all my friends.

You'll be rich.

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Flute: You know, working a case together

is kind of like being married.

We're called partners. We have each other's backs.

And you have to accept my unbreakable habit

of making a little noise after I take a sip of water.

[Sips] Ahh.

Martinez: God, you're more annoying

than tipping on a to-go order.

Flute: Ooh, how about a game?

Let's play "Fart, Dairy, Grill" with our coworkers.

I'll go first. I'd fart on Kang, milk Summers,

and grill a tomahawk steak with Wynona.

Martinez: What? That's not a game.

Flute: Then what about this one? Who can scream the loudest

while tickling the other person? Go!

Rawr rawr rawr!

Flute, muffled: I win.

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You seem mad. Are you mad?

Martinez: Oh, I'm way beyond mad. I'm done.

When we get back, I'm transferring myself

so far away that the only flute I'll hear

is a distant woodwind underscoring

the long-forgotten temple I'm exploring.

That's right. I'm transferring

to the Lara Croft Tomb Raider division.

Flute: Aww! Now we'll never be able to mend

our fractured relationship.

[Thunder and lightning]

Martinez: We gotta find cover!

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[Door creaks]

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Flute: "Dear Todd and Terry,

enjoy your honeymoon at our Airbnb."

Martinez: "Dear Todd and Terry, I'm drinking your wine

after the day I had with this human buttock."

Flute: Hmm, not sure that's a good idea,

but I do love alcohol more than myself.

[Both laugh]

Flute: Wait, your 5 boys are named Steven Tyler Martinez,

Joe Perry Martinez, Tom Hamilton Martinez,

Joey Kramer Martinez, and Brad Whitford Martinez?

Martinez: What can I tell you?

My late husband and I freaking loved Aerosmith.

Flute: So you have one child named Joe and another named Joey?

Martinez: Hey, I didn't form the band.

I just named my kids after them.

[Both laugh]

Flute: Wow. This really is the worst evening

I've ever spent with someone.

Martinez: Tell me about it.

To never doing this again.

[Glasses clink] [Flute gulping]

Flute: I'll open another while you take your big dump.

Martinez: Oh, shut up! I'm taking out my contacts.

Flute: Smart. You look terrible in glasses.

Martinez: My eyesight's fine. I wear colored contacts.

Flute: But your eyes are brown. Martinez: I know.

That way nobody sees...this.

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Nobody takes me seriously with these.

Flute: Your eye pools are so blue.

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But in a good, not Alexandra Daddario way.

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Martinez: I need to put this away.

Flute: This doesn't make any sense.

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[Gasps] I'm gonna marry Martinez.

And when were we in "La La Land"?

Todd: Aah!

Terry: Do we have any Greek yogurt?

Todd: I don't know. Did you buy any Greek yogurt?

Flute: I want what you have.

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Kang: Flutinez, Marlute, Marvina?

What are these? Depression medications?

Are you wearing lipstick?

Flute: Lip conditioner. Mango Madness.

Martinez's favorite. You were right, Kang.

Fighting my fate of marrying Martinez

is like my fight against illiteracy.

It's imporpasman.

Kang: So, now you're just in love with her?

Flute: Why wait? I need to get on with my density.

Den-denitsy. Destinity. Dens-Desitin.

Kang: I don't think this is illiteracy.

Martinez: Flute!

Flute: Martinez. You look so pretty today.

Like a flower that makes men horny in our hearts.

Martinez: Uh, we got a lead in the Bingo Bopper case.

We're going undercover.

Flute: Flutinez is on the case.

Martinez: Just get your disguise and meet us in the surveillance van.

Flute: I knew I should have said Martute.

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Martinez: Our informant says the Bingo Bopper will strike here next.

Flute: Listen, I gotta tell you something.

Martinez: No. We need to focus on the case.

Flute: I think I love you.

Vera: Aren't you two a cute couple.

You must not be married. [Giggles]

Martinez: At work, I hated this doofus.

But now we've been married for 30 years,

maybe 10 more if this guy's liver holds out.

Ha ha ha!

Both: But that'll take a miracle.

Flute: Oh, God. I can't believe the mess I made.

Vera: We have wet wipes if you need them.

Martinez: What the hell is wrong with you, outside of

all the things that are normally wrong with you?

Flute: OK. When you kicked me, my vision-

Martinez: Ugh. I'm sick of your stupid visions.

It's all in your head. Just like

your fear of fences and your crime mind

and your belief in sewer goblins.

Flute: Can you explain where our poops go?

And to think I even considered- oh, forget it.

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Freeze, Bingo Bopper.

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Sometimes it takes a nutjob to catch a nutjob.

Choir: ? Oh... Martinez: Is that your thing? Bingo jokes?

By all means, kill me. Bingo Bopper: Uhh!

Kang: Oh, thank God you're alive.

We're still in the death pool.

Just live one more year, baby.

Flute: But Martinez won't. She's gonna die.

I just saw her get killed.

Kang: What? Then we gotta stop it.

Flute: Uh, what happened to everything happens for a reason?

Kang: Yeah, but it's up to us to decide what the reason is.

And maybe the reason is to prove you have everything you need.

Or that fate is what you make of it.

Or that the stereotype of the wise old Asian man

isn't always true. Although, having lived

through many centuries, we usually are right.

So, what's it gonna be, Flute? Why are we here?

Flute: We have to save Martinez. Kang: Good,

because she hasn't paid her share of the death pool yet.

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Bingo Bopper: Sorry, but I-16 have to kill you.

O-64 well, so B-3 it.

Martinez: God, is that your thing? Bingo jokes?

By all means, kill me.

Bingo Bopper: Uhh!

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Martinez: Somebody call a doctor!

Older man: Don't worry. I know just the guys.

Pentos: Now, what was so damned important

we had to leave that overhyped White Party?

Summers: Yeah. I was about to Lipa on Dua. Huh.

[Gasp] It's Flute!

Nurse Momoa: Sorry, but we needed the top

genitalia surgeons in Grimsburg.

Pentos: Our shenanigan is crashing all around us.

The irony of it all is that the very man

who could have stopped this madness lays before us now,

needing the very thing we cannot provide.

Summers: No! Ever heard the term fake until you make it?

Well, we're gonna make it, right now, for Flute.

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Pentos: What do we do? Do we jolt it with paddles

or give it CPR?

Oh, boy, here goes nothing.

Nurse Momoa: What the hell are you doing?

You aren't real junkologists, are you?

Pentos: No, we are not.

Summers: We only came here to pick up our friend post-surgery

and wound up gluing empty tennis ball cans

onto insecure men and turned it into a medical empire.

Pentos: Certainly, you could see how easily that could happen.

Nurse Momoa: I think you two should leave.

Pentos: Well, yeah.

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Martinez: They, uh, couldn't save it. Again.

Flute: That's OK. I thought I needed it to make me complete,

but maybe I already have everything I need.

Martinez: Um, you know, back when you said you loved me,

you were very convincing.

Flute: Well, I'm an incredible actor.

Martinez: Speaking of, there's someone here

who wanted to say hello. Hold on.

Flute: It better not be Stan. No way! Vince Vaughn?

Martinez, as Vaughn: There's my beautiful baby boy.

How are you feeling? Feeling good?

You're looking good. Smelling good, too.

Why? Because daddy slid the nurse a fiver

to keep your bedpan neat, OK? [Laughs]

Listen, I'd love to sit around and chop it up with you,

but Fav's is double-parked outside on our way to Vegas, baby.

Lock it up. Flute: You lock it up.

Martinez: No, you lock it up. [Laughs]

Flute: Wow. I finally met Vince Vaughn.

I guess things really do happen for a reason.

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Summers: Well, Flute, you're back to having one testicle.

Pentos: But now you have two best friends. Ha ha ha!

Flute: Even through the very strong drugs,

you guys are so annoying.

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Man: ? Look over your shoulder, yeah ?

? Look over your shoulder now ?

? Look over your shoulder ?

? Wait, there's a wall in front of you ?

Wait, seriously, there's a wall. Hey, stop.

Stop! Stop looking over your shoulder.

You're gonna hit-oh, my God.

Person: Bento. [Cheering]

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