Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

CHRIS ROCK: As rough as I had it as a kid,

even I got excited when Christmas came around.

Chris, how do you spell "cabbage"?

C-A-B-B-A-G-E.

Thanks. "Cabbage Patch."DREW: Oh, Chris!

Look at this cool BMX bike.Oh, that's cool.

Chris, what are you putting on your list?

I'm not writing a list. That's for kids.

I wasn't writing a list

because the only thing I wanted was a portable cassette player.

Having a Walkman meant you could even listen to bad music

and nobody had to know.

I had been leaving that ad all over the house,

so I was pretty sure my mother got the hint.

[♪♪♪]

Since I only wanted one gift, I knew I'd get it.

This was going to be the best Christmas ever.

[GROANS]

Happy Kwanza, Kunta Kinte.

Well, maybe notever.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Aw, make it funky now ♪

I'm getting a ColecoVision.Wait.

You have an Atari and you're getting a ColecoVision?

Yeah. What are you getting?

I'm getting a Walkman.

No way.

It's the only thing I've been asking for.

I would kill for one of those. You're so lucky.

How come your dad doesn't get you one?

Censorship. He wants to makes sure

he can hear the music I'm listening to.

First rap was fun, then rap was gun.

Let me go, you bitches. You're punks, both of you.

West side! West side!Jeez, kid, will you shut up?

Years later, Greg played some Ice Cube

and his own father shot him.

Class, since this is the season of giving,

I'd like you all to bring in canned food items,

so we can donate them to those less fortunate.

It's funny how most people only think about

feeding the needy during Christmas.

I'm sure there's a lot of hungry people

during President's Day.

Yes, Chris?Do we have to bring in cans?

Can we bring in, like, boxes of food?

You don't have to bring anything,

but that's very thoughtful of you.

I know this time of year must be hard for your family.

No. We're doing fine.

I know. I know.

She made it seem like we were having

a bowl of steam for dinner that night.

[JULIUS YELPS]

Who used up all the hot water?

It's five degrees outside.

What you trying to do, kill me?

Chris said it was cool when he took a shower earlier.

Oh! The hot water heater's probably broken again.

Think you can fix it?I'm already holding it together

with duct tape and hangers.

We're just gonna have to replace it.

Well, baby, how much do you think that's gonna cost?

More than I got.

Will we have enough money to buy Christmas presents?

I thought you finished shopping.I bought a few things,

but I have got to get that Walkman for Chris.

He's been giving me hints since Thanksgiving.

These kids get too many gifts on Christmas.

When I was a kid, instead of buying gifts,

my father used to call the cops on Christmas

and tell us the house got robbed.

In order to make extra money for Christmas,

my father would do any job.

That'll be $30.

He worked as a cab driver.That's okay.

It was easy for him to pick up odd jobs

for extra money when he needed it.

Merry Christmas.

Lint roll, sir?Yeah.

He worked as a lint roller.

Thank you.

He even worked as an oil taster.

This is 10-W 30. You need 10-W 40.

Now, that's a father.

TONYA:

Drew.

Drew! Ow!

What'd you do that for?How do you spell "Malibu"?

M-A-L-I-BOO?

You still writing that stupid Christmas list?

It's not stupid.Yes, it is.

Everybody knows there's no Santa Claus, Tonya.

That's not true.

And it's not stupid. You're stupid.

You're stupid.You're stupid.

ROCHELLE: Drew, stop calling your sister stupid!

My mother had amazing hearing.

We couldn't do anything in our house without her hearing it.

Chris! Quit throwing cotton balls all over the place!

What are y'all arguing about?Nothing.

Drew said there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

What are you talking about, boy?

Of course there's a Santa Claus, baby.

CHRIS: Hey.DREW: What's up, bro?

We're having a food drive at school.

Can I bring some canned goods?Okay.

But don't take generic brands. Only store brands.

I do not want those people thinking

we can't afford to donate food.

My mother would give away all the food we had

if she thought it would prove we didn't need it.

How come you said my list is stupid?

Because everybody knows there's no Santa Claus.

Come here, let me show you something.

Where are we going?

I'm taking you to the toys.

Santa doesn't come down the chimney.

We don't even have a chimney, we have radiators.

You ever heard of Santa Claus coming through radiators?

But how can we have our toys already

if I haven't even finished my list?

Because.

Hey, man. What you doing?

I'm taking canned goods to school for the needy.

[CASH REGISTER CLICKING, DINGS]

Man, that's $2.89 cent worth of food.

What you trying to do, feed the needy or be the needy?

Rochelle!Julius!

[♪♪♪]

My parents tried not argue in front of the kids,

so instead, they just made faces.

They make curse-out faces too, but we can't show you those.

Meanwhile, Drew was showing Tanya something

no kid should see.

See, I told you.

[♪♪♪]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Whoa! Cool!

Tonya wasn't the only one having a bad day.

Is there something wrong?

Have a seat, baby.

The last time they asked me to sit down

before they told me something, The Jackson Five broke up.

Hey, Chris. Heh.

Um, baby, look, I know you've been looking forward

to getting that new Walkman for Christmas.

And, Chris, I've always wanted my kids

to have a better Christmas than I had growing up.

But the older you get, the more you learn

about the sacrifices you have to make.

Sacrifices?

Uh...

Like not getting a new pair of work boots

so you kids can have shoes.

Or like taking the subway to work

so your wife can use the car.

Mom, Dad, I'm 13.

You're not getting a present for Christmas.

He said that like we're out of bacon.

We gotta buy a new water heater.

Well, then, we need a plan

to tell Drew and Tonya.Tell them what?

That they're not getting presents.

Who said they weren't getting anything?

Wait, they're getting stuff and I'm not?

You're older, Chris.

They wouldn't understand.

Am I gonna get anything?

Oh, baby, you'll be able to use up all the hot water you want.

So all I'm getting is a clean ass?

Steaming hot.

♪ Everybody hates Chris ♪

So you're not getting anything for Christmas?

Nope.

Man, nothing for Christmas?

Isn't that considered child abuse?

Sure does feel like it.

They'll put something in your stocking.

Maybe some leftover sausage.

There's gotta be a law against this.

Oh, Chris, look at you.

You didn't have to bring any food.

Sometimes I forget how strong your people are.

What do you mean, how strong my people are?

What do I mean, how strong your people are?

You shall overcome someday.

See me after class. I have something for you.

Okay.

Do I look like Malcolm X to you, lady?

How would you like to overcome a brick?

Tonya, I thought you were gonna put up the decorations.

I don't want to now.

Why not?Because.

You and Daddy lied to me.

We lied to you? About what?

I know there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

When my mother heard Tonya say those words,

it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.

What else did you lie to me about?

Are you gonna kick me out if I get pregnant?

Is it true you ain't taking care of no baby?

Can I really not bring a white boy home?

Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat?

Can I really get a loan with no money down?

Are you my real mother? Mama, I want answers.

Tonya, like Mommy told you, there isa Santa Claus.

So how come there's a room upstairs full of presents?

Who told you that?Drew showed me.

Drew, get in here!

Yes, Mom?

Did you show Tonya the presents upstairs?

Yeah.

We need to talk.

Uh...no.

Hold on, Mama. No, no.

My mother talked about beating us all the time,

but the only time she ever beat us

is when she said she wanted to talk.

And she talked the hell out of Drew that night.

[DREW GROANING, SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

Oh. Well, what's all this stuff?

I got it from my teacher.Hm.

She thinks that we're underprivileged and starving.

Oh, no. Mm-mm.

Absolutely not.

I am not gonna have them people thinking

that we don't have anything to eat.

She wasn't too proud to take those olives.

Where you going?I'm taking this

to put more food in it.

You're taking this back.

My mother was so upset

about people thinking we needed charity,

she almost forgot she felt guilty

about not getting me a gift.

Chris, wait a minute.

Look, I'm sorry.

I know all of this is not your fault.

I know it seems kind of crazy with me giving back free food

when we can't even afford to buy you a Christmas gift.

It's okay.

After that, my mother gave me the one gift she could afford.

She was really nice to me!

Who needs Christmas when all your wildest dreams come true?

Chris gets the big piece.

I got the big piece of chicken.

[♪♪♪]

Merry Christmas.

I didn't have to do any chores.

Tonya, wash the dishes.

I thought Chris had to do 'em.

You thought wrong.

I got Tonya in trouble.

Ow! Ow!

Mama, Tonya hit me twice.

It felt so good, I was thinking what life would be like

if I never got a present.

Get up and let your brother watch TV.

But, Ma!But nothing! Get up.

I wondered what I could get if the roof caved in.

Mwah!

Hey, Drew, can you pass me the remote?

Tsk, yeah, right.

Ma...

[GROANS]

[MUTTERING]

I couldn't believe how good I had it.

Meanwhile, Tonya didn't believe anything.

Mama, is cornbread made of corn?

Mm, no.

I think it's made of cornmeal. Why?

Just checking.DREW: Why, you want Santa Claus

to bring you some cornbread for Christmas?

He could bring it with your Cabbage Patch Doll.

Hey, hey. Stop it. Okay? Enough.JULIUS: Leave your sister alone.

Drew, you believed in the Easter Bunny till about her age.

Chris, you near lost all your teeth

before you stopped believing in the Tooth Fairy.

There's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy, either?

Uh...No, baby, he...

He didn't mean that.

Somebody better give me my teeth back.

Baby, I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it!

Julius! I can't believe you!I want my teeth back!

Baby, no...Tonya!

We were joking! It's a joke!

It's a... Ha-ha! It's a joke!

That's her. She said Santa can't come to our house,

'cause all we have is space heaters.

Santa can't come through a space heater.

What kind of children are you raising?

This girl's going around crushing dreams.

Is that what you want her to be? A dream crusher?

No, but I--That girl needs to be stopped.

Tonya!It's the truth!

Normally, my mother would smack the grease out of Tonya's hair.

But she couldn't smack her for telling the truth.

GREG: What's that?

My mom made me bring all this stuff back

to prove that we can afford to donate food.

Hey, yo, I got something for you.

Thanks! What's this?Open it.

"Computer Games." Who is it?

George Clinton.

There's a song on there, "Atomic Dog,"

I heard it on the radio. It's really funny.

Think I'll like it?I don't know.

When you finally get your Walkman, you'll have a tape.

I always liked that Greg was so optimistic.

To this day, he still thinks

Al B. Sure's gonna make a comeback.

[BELL RINGS]

But if Santa Claus is not real, why do people make it up?

Tonya, Santa is just a way to teach kids

about the spirit of giving.

He's just a symbol, that's all.

Oh.

Tonya, you're a big girl,

and now that you're old enough to know the truth,

it's your responsibility

to not spoil it for other kids, okay?

Because you want to give them something to believe in.

Exactly.

That's my big girl. Mwah!

So you do understand.

Yeah. It's okay to lie.

Aw, good night, Mommy.

You think explaining Santa Claus to Tonya was hard,

you should have been there for the birds and the bees.

Ew, that's nasty!

[♪♪♪]

Nobody ever seems to get any sleep on Christmas Eve.

Everybody's up for different reasons.

What you doing, baby?

Setting out milk and cookies.

We talked about this.

We did. And they're not for Santa.

They're for you.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you, baby.

But since I wasn't getting anything,

I didn't have that problem.

[SNORING]

On Christmas morning, I even took my time going downstairs.

Now that Tonya knew there wasn't a Santa Claus,

her complaints went directly to my mother.

Mama, I wanted a Cabbage Patch Doll with long hair.

How about you have no doll with no hair?

Oh, thank you.Okay.

Chris, this one is for you, baby.

Is it a new album?Open it and find out.

They were giving those away at the doctor's office

I deliver papers to.

Thought you could use it for school.

Thanks. I will.

Hey, Chris, what'd you get?

A calendar.

A calendar?

Yeah, that's what I wanted.

See, now, look here. Did you know that May

is High Blood Pressure Month?DREW & TONYA: No.

You would if you had a calendar.ROCHELLE: See?

All y'all should ask for calendars next year.

JULIUS: That's a good idea.Hey, Chris, wanna go

ride my bike outside later? By "later," he meant summer.

Yeah, sure.Hey, Chris. You can have this.

Are you sure?Yeah. I'm sure.

Baby, that's so nice.

That's what I thought too.

Yes! I win again!

In your face! Ooh!

What now? I don't get New Year's?

Mwah! Thank you.

For what?For the way you've handled

not getting what you wanted.

You've really made us proud, man.

Drew and Tonya are kids.

They need Christmas presents more than me.

You know, you're really growing up, Chris.

It's kind of nice having another man around the house.

It was weird. That morning with my parents

felt better than any gift I ever got.

Here you go.What's this?

Toy store coupon, 50 percent off.

It's good till March.

By the end of the day, it didn't even matter anymore

that I didn't have a gift, because I had a good day.

And right now, I'm with Mrs. Vivian Morello.

Hey, that's my teacher.

It is? Mm-hm.

Every year, my students collect food

for the very poorest, most destitute

and neediest families.

These people are so poor,

they probably don't have anything

but the clothes on their backs.

Even though they're embarrassingly underprivileged,

they're just too proud to ask for help.

Too proud to ask for help. And they're poor.

Tonight, we're going to give a family this basket.

Now, who wants somebody coming to their door on TV

talking about how poor they are?

This is so exciting.

[DOORBELL BUZZES][KNOCKING]

Mm, I'll get it.

You got it?

BOTH: Merry Christmas!

Chris!

♪ Everybody hates Chris ♪

CHRIS ROCK: Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Aw, make it funky now ♪