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Hi, moms. Stephanie here.

Welcome back to another
"Italian Odyssey" episode

of A Pinch of Murder, your one-stop shop
for hot home tips and cold case flips.

I'm really thrilled with
the recent surge in viewers,

even if most of you are just tuning in
to see if I die.

Um, still on

the romantic island of Capri,

uh, frankly wishing I knew

even un poco italiano right about now,

'cause it might help with the police.

In hindsight, you know,
Babbel would've been a good choice.

By the way, use code word
"Hi, moms" for 20% off at Babbel.

Thanks, guys.

Um, anyway,
since I'm under house arrest now,

a lot of you have been asking
why I would put myself

in this situation in the first place.

Which is pretty rich, 'cause, you know,

you were all singing
a different tune a few days ago.

But I want to be clear.

I did not kill Emily's husband.

Jesus!

Okay, um...

for those of you
who are just joining us...

...let me fill you in on how we got here.

A few days ago, I was running late for,
uh, my reading at the Book Nook,

and I was packing Miles up for camp,
and I was pretty flustered

'cause my Smooch is gonna be gone
for a few weeks and--

Mom, are you kidding me?!

You monogrammed my camp shirts.

Everyone's gonna laugh at me.

Well, this is way cooler than a name tag.

I'll bet the other kids
are gonna be jealous.

Don't be mad, Smooch.

I don't want to fight
in our last few moments together.

You don't care about embarrassing me?

You monogram my shirts,
you call me Smooch,

and the kids at school said that your
stupid show got that creepy guy killed.

Okay.

Miles. Miles.

You're right. I'm sorry, okay?

You have a mother that listens
and who doesn't do that show anymore.

Will you grab your swimsuit, 'cause
I have to be at the reading by 3:00, okay?

Everyone knows you're obsessed
with Nicky's mom.

Why'd you have to write a book about it?

The other kids tease me, and they say
you tried to Single White Female her.

Okay, she ensnared me for--

Your friends have seen
Single White Female?

That's a very adult film.

God, you're a stalker!

I don't want
any phone calls about you biting.

Remember, if you can't be smart, be funny,
and if you can't be funny, be pretty.

Okay, this is dramatic.

I know you're lashing out
because you're worried about

being away for an entire month.

I need a restraining order.

That's very big boy legal language.

Oh, come on. I think that, yes,
this time apart might be healthy--

- For the both of us, I know.
- Okay.

Stephanie Smothers,
are you helicopter parenting again?

- No, Darren, I'm not.
- Yes, Darren, she is.

I've got this.

Young lady, please don't get pregnant.

Young man, don't get anyone pregnant.

- Thanks, Darren.
- You're welcome.

Geez, Dad, cringy.

Aho! That's Lakota for "hello."

Sounds more like cultural appropriation.

Super. I don't really get you yet,
but I will, okay?

Campers, let's hop on the bus.

- Okay. Bye-bye.
- Do you want to...

- Yeah.
- I love you, too.

Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
- Best of luck.

Skin cancer is real.
Please wear sunscreen.

Call me anytime!

Ooh. No calls in or out. Camp rule.

- Even better.
- That's cool.

Go to your assigned bus!

We're gonna have the best time
of your lives!

No crying.

It'll make your eyes red, and we don't
want people to think you're smoking pot.

Although maybe we do.
It might be good for your brand.

- What's wrong with my brand?
- You haven't posted a video in months,

and you have a book coming out.

It hasn't been months.

It's been two months and three weeks.

Look, I know you went through
quite a shock,

but it's time to spring back.

The moms of the world miss you.

I wrote a book.

You did, so let's get you to your reading

and sell a shitload of those,
Stephanie Smothers.

Okay. All right, all right.

Why'd she take her channel down?

Was it tanking?

No, no, no, no. The numbers were good.

- Mm.
- Oh, too much pressure.

Brilliant strategy:

disappear from the Internet
right before you release a book.

Look, I tried to help,

but there's only so much I can do.

She's-she's tragic.

This picture is tragic.

So, I'm lobbying for
a continuation of the tour,

but it's a chicken-or-the-egg problem.

You need to sell more books
to justify the tour,

but you sell more books on tour.

Is the world stupid or am I a genius?

- Ben! Hi! You made it!
- Hey.

Hey, uh, listen,
so something happened today,

- something you need to know about, so--
- Oh, well, look.

I know you didn't want to read the book in
advance, which is totally, totally fine,

but, uh, you know, you're in it a lot,

- and I think I did, like, a good job of...
- O-Okay, St-Stephanie, listen.

...yeah, like, painting
a kind of nuanced portrait--

- Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie.
- Yeah.

- Sorry to pull you away.
- Oh, my God!

- Just...
- Everyone,

please help me welcome full-time mom,

part-time cold case sleuth
and breakout true crime writer

Stephanie Smothers.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi, everybody. Uh, thanks for coming.

As most of you know,
the case of the McLanden sisters,

of what Emily, aka Hope McLanden,
did to her sister Faith

was the biggest thing
that happened in Warfield since the police

busted that meth lab
that was running out of the senior center.

Um, so I wrote this book
because, uh, the killer was

a mom at our school
and a good friend of mine,

and in a way, we were all her victims.

"I think about her all the time,

the faceless blonde I thought I knew,

no photos, no past, a ghost.

Was she a glamorous PR executive

or a cold-blooded killer?"

I'm sorry, the reading's started.

"I think about her husband Sean,
broken..."

You-you can't go in there.

"...and her son Nicky
growing up without a mother."

Hey.

"I think about the small role
that I played in that...

sad... destiny."

Boo.

Is that...?

The cold-blooded killer.

Emily.

Holy shit.

Everyone, this is Emily,

the real-life faceless blonde.

Except apparently I do have a face.

And you're here. How are you here?

Did you break out of prison?

No, I'm out on appeal.
Our legal system is so fucked.

Baby, I want to talk about
the important stuff.

Why isn't your book selling?

- It's selling.
- Mm, it's not.

I feel like... I feel like you
left out all the good stuff.

Remind me, what happened
with your brother again?

I tried to tell you. I tried.

Oh, hi.

Hi. Lovely to see you, Detective.

Hmm.

You'll be getting a subpoena soon.

I have these excellent new attorneys,

and they found possible
evidence tampering in my case.

Hello, Darren.

Terrible shoes.

Sorry I hit you with my car.

Oh, shit. Forgot about that.

Emily, why are you here?

You came for vengeance
in a suburban bookstore?

Stephanie, please. You're my best friend.

I mean, you lit my fucking life on fire,
but you saved me.

You gave me a clean slate.

That's why I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life

trying to find ways to thank you.

That's the most terrifying thing
she's said yet.

Okay, that's complete bullshit.

It's true.

Thanks to you, I'm getting married.

How did that happen?

Oh, you know, the good old-fashioned way.

- Bathroom sex?
- No one knows me like you do.

Which is why I, um...

which is why I came
to ask you something.

Uh, Stephanie Smothers, will you, uh...

Oh. Will you be my maid of honor?

Oh, she's definitely fucking with you.

It's a trick.
She's gonna get you alone and kill you.

Poison you or stab you.

She's gonna make it look like a suicide.

- I'm aware of that.
- Holy fuck.

Is it maybe just a little bit possible
that I've changed?

No.

Stephanie, baby, please, come on.

Don't do this. I hate when we fight.

- Come-- No, no, no.
- Get away from me.

I-I was the best thing
that ever happened to you.

We both know it.
You-you stopped apologizing.

You fucked my husband.

He was such a crotch rot.
Thank you for that, by the way.

You wrote a book based on me,
and you built an entirely new life.

Like, why am I having to beg you?

- You owe me.
- The fuck I do.

Mm, you do.

Okay, let's agree to disagree.
You need me.

You're gonna watch your sales
and your followers soar

as you maid-of-honor the shit
out of the woman

who tried to murder you
at the wedding of the decade.

Did I mention it was in Capri?

Capri?

Yes, she is in.

We're all in. Thank you.

You can't just come in here
and bulldoze me, Emily.

I'm not as nice as I used to be.

Oh, sweetie, you were never nice.

You were just afraid to be mean.

Okay, then I'm less afraid.

Perfect, then prove it.

And if I do try to murder you,
it'll make an amazing sequel.

Okay, I'll see you 9:00 a.m. Wednesday
on my fiancé's private plane.

Oh, and if you don't come,

I'm gonna have to sue you into oblivion
for using my name and likeness

without my express written consent.

Don't try me, Bubba.

Love you so much.

- Can she sue me?
- Plausibly.

Yeah, lawsuits can be a real killer.

You shouldn't risk it. Just go to Capri.

Shut up, Darren.

You know, Emily is right.

The book needs a boost.

- And that sequel thing...
- The sequel where I'm murdered?

- Uh...
- Hi. Are you gonna start

doing your show again
now that you can follow

the faceless blonde on another adventure?

Follow? I...

She's the one who can't leave me alone.
It doesn't matter.

Oh, yeah, yeah, totally.

So please sign it, "To Bernice,"

and can you date the signature
just in case you don't make it back?

I don't think we need to...
to do that, no.

What is Emily up to? This is so crazy.

And crazy sells books!

Do you think Hunter S. Thompson
would turn down this opportunity?

Hunter S. Thompson was addicted to cocaine
and did not have a ten-year-old son.

I get it. I'm sorry.

It's just the boxed wine talking.

You know what? Take care of yourself.

Don't worry about true crime.
Write a cookbook.

I hit up all my sources.

No one knows anything about
this fiancé of hers.

Summerville said that, this morning,
a team of high-powered lawyers showed up,

and an hour later,
Emily walked out of prison.

I went down to the courthouse,
and I checked the court records.

There's no indication of who hired them.

She's definitely up to something.

She's just gonna be up to it
in the most gorgeous place on Earth.

Yeah, but what does she want
to do to me there?

I mean, she wants me there for a reason.
I don't think it's to be a maid of honor.

Maybe she really did change in prison?

I mean,
marrying somebody with enough money

to have a private jet
and get you out of jail?

I mean, that could definitely
normal you the fuck out.

No, no, no. I don't buy it.

Well, since you're too busy building
a murder board in your head

to check your feed...

Holy shit, 42,000 likes?

Yeah, and that's just one of the many
videos of your showdown at your reading.

Stephanie?

You'll forgive me
if I'm a little paranoid.

God.

Got to figure out what she's up to.

So?

Are you gonna go?

♪ You don't own me ♪

♪ I'm not just one of your many toys ♪

♪ You don't own me ♪

♪ Don't say I can't go with other boys ♪

♪ And don't tell me what to do ♪

♪ Don't tell me what to say...

This is nice.

Your tits are nice.

Come on. We're late.

Sorry, Vicky had to pick up some stuff.

- That's the toiletries.
- Yes, ma'am.

Uh-huh. Okay, yeah.

You brought your fucking assistant
to my wedding?

She's my book agent.

And she's an insurance policy.

Oh.

'Cause I won't kill you both?

You're cute.

Hi, moms.

Stephanie here, on the way

to the faceless blonde's Capri wedding.

I think I'm probably
gonna take a long nap.

I'm just gonna curl up,
and I'll see you guys...

Oh, perfect.

Ma'am, no filming on board.

It violates the passengers' privacy.

Oh, sorry.

I-I didn't realize
there would be so many people.

Thought my carbon footprint
would be a little higher.

Makes me feel more glamorous.

You got it.

All gone.

Oh, my God, this flight is full of A-list.

Who the hell is Emily marrying?

I don't know, but I want one.

Listen, I know how this sounds,

but murdering her sister
really upped Emily's game.

Do you know how that sounds?

This kind of glamour and intrigue is

exactly why we're here,
so we should be live streaming.

They won't let me use my phone.

Oh, then start secretly banking stuff,

and use this into-the-lion's-den scenario

as a way to get you another book deal.

Time to get eaten by the lion.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, are you friends with Emily's fiancé?

The toilet's clogged,
and my seat won't recline-- 3A.

I don't work here, but...

No photography.

As I believe we discussed.

Oh, sure, but, you know,

how much privacy
does leaded crystal really need?

Okay. It's going in my pocket.

You're so funny.

Looks like you could use this.

It's 10:00 a.m.

Not in Capri.

Jesus Christ.

This again? I'm not gonna poison you.

It's not my style.

You have the duration of this flight
to chill the fuck out.

I want you goddamn sparkling when we land.

Do you hear me?

This is really fucking weird, man.

Mm, yeah, I know.

Just go with it.

You excited for my bachelorette party?

Oh, yeah. These guys seem awesome.

Yeah, they're kind of the worst.

They're his family's friends.

Oh, God, wait till you meet
the cunt-in-law.

Oopsie.

Hmm. I missed you.

Want to get out of here?

Where? The luggage compartment?

Come on, baby girl.

Wow. Classy.

Did you get me a stripper? Is it you?

Oh, you wish.

It's his family's style.

They swing money around
like a baseball bat.

- Sure.
- Lucky me.

Who's the lucky guy?

- DV?
- What, are you writing a book?

His name's Dante Versano.

Old money, but, you know,
cute enough to fuck eyes open.

Total alpha male, like me.

Not a little snatch like Sean.

Do you know Sean never took Nicky
to visit me in jail, not once?

I haven't seen my kid in five years.

Maybe he thought it was dangerous.

It's jail.
The bad guys are already locked up.

Wait, I'm sorry.

Are you defending him?

'Cause he wasn't exactly a dream date
for you, either, husband-fucker.

Good one. You got me.

Oh, how'd you meet Dante?

I moved to Rome for a minute
when I was in my 20s.

I was totally broke but in heaven.

It was all so big and dangerous
and cunty and chic.

Rome, not my job.

My job was just at a dive bar,
but that's where I met Dante.

He was just-- oh, he was gorgeous

and... and so sweet.

And we struck up a real connection,

and he taught me Italian.

You know? In all the ways.

Everyone was talking about us,
even the local press.

I was calling myself Olivia back then.

Bathroom, 20 seconds.

Knock twice.

You know, obviously
all that attention spooked me, so...

I had to leave town, and...

yeah, I just, I don't know,
wrote it off as a, as a tryst.

I thought he forgot about it.

This guy, I mean, he could have...
he could have anyone, but alas.

So you reconnected after all these years,

told him your real name--
your new real name--

and he took you back
even though you were in jail.

Yeah, I mean, I do kind of owe you.

He saw me on the news, thanks to you.

Tracked me down,
and we picked up like no time was lost.

Who knows? Play your cards right,

I might end up dead again
and you can fuck this one, too.

Aw, you having fun?

I mean, this is why you brought me, right?
Keep 'em coming.

Oh, lighten up.

I am busting your balls.

You need to get laid.

Jesus, I get laid plenty.

Oh. Do you?

Do tell.

Look who started getting nasty
after I went to the slammer.

And look who's willing to do
whatever it takes not to go back.

You think I'm not really in love

or you think no one could love me?

That's not what I said, but...

it's telling.

Why am I here?

You think I invited you to get revenge?

For stealing my life
and taking my kid away from me?

You think I want to make you pay?

I don't know. Do you?

I don't think so.

- Morning, babe.
- Oh, I missed you.

Miss you so much.

Oh, I missed you more. Let's go.

- How was the trip?
- Let's go. So good.

- Oh, no, no, you have to meet her first.
- Oh. Who?

- Hi.
- Oh. Oh, this must be the maid of honor.

- Ah.
- What a lovely creature.

Oh. Yes, I'm Stephanie.

Oh, I told you he lays it on thick.

Does he have a brother?

Why? Are you into fucking brothers?

Sadly, I'm an only child.

Oh, that's too bad.

That's just a-- we've got a--
She's so funny.

- She's funny, huh?
- How is the monster-in-law?

- Very excited for the wedding.
- Uh-huh.

She said she has a surprise for you.

It's your day.

- I won't let anything ruin it, baby.
- Okay.

Can somebody help me
with my fucking bags?!

Okay.

I should just jump in one of these cars?

Asshole!
What the fuck are you doing?

Excuse me. I didn't recognize you.

I'm sorry. I will move immediately.

Stupid fuck.

I'm so sorry, ladies.

I-I hope that didn't cause you
too much distress.

We're fine. Thank you.

No.

Well, welcome to Italy.

Who is this guy?

For God's sake. Nicky!

Can you cut it out with the drone, please?

You're gonna give me a brain aneurysm
over here or something.

I can put it on stealth mode.

- Well, why do you have to run it at all?
- I'm looking for Mom.

You don't need a drone
to find your mom, okay?

Just follow the trail of destruction.

Oh. Hey, Nicky, Nicky!

Mom!

My baby!

Oh, look how big you are.

You got so big and red.

Oh, my God. This is my boy.

- Hey, what's up?
- This is Nicky.

- I hate that I missed a moment.
- Me, too.

Your being in prison
gave me street cred at school,

and my friends loved reading your letters.

Yeah, and they got you expelled,
didn't they?

- Three schools in two years.
- We're just gonna

have to find him a school
without a stick up its ass, huh, Bubba?

Stephanie?

Hello, sir.

What are you--

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I forgot.

- Stephanie's coming.
- Right.

Hey, do you remember Stephanie, baby?

Yeah, Dad fucked her.

- Mm! Mm.
- Where did you learn

- language like that, sir?
- Jesus.

Nicky, I just want to say I'm so sorry
about everything that happened.

Oh, no, don't-don't... don't be.

I mean, you weren't an asshole
like my dad or anything.

Asshole dad.

- Yep.
- Yep.

And Miles is pretty cool, too.

I know Miles misses you a lot.

Me, too.

I mean, things just got fucked, so--

- Jesus Christ.
- Okay.

- Oh, wow.
- You know, I try with the swearing,

but what's the fucking point these days?

- Can you not be day drunk around my kid?
- Day drunk?

Yeah, it might help
if you sober up a little.

You're judging me, are you?

We're all here because of you
and your fucking wedding or whatever--

My love, Dante, this is my baby mama Sean.

- Oh, yeah. Hey, it's the one.
- Uh-huh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Hi. It means a great deal
that you're here.

Oh. I mean, the courts ordered me
to drag my son across an ocean,

so you must be paying your lawyers
an awful amount, because we're here.

Yeah.

I'm still glad that you're here
to celebrate our marriage.

- Well, "celebrate" is...
- Oh, yeah.

...quite the strong word,
because I would rather shave my balls

with a rusty knife
than be at this wedding.

- Oh, let me do that for you.
- Yeah?

- Please.
- Yeah.

But you know what?

Here we are.

Anyway, it's your funeral, pal.

I'm off to the pool.

I'm gonna go find somebody
I haven't fucked.

- Bye.
- Hey, we're gonna go upstairs.

I got to get ready for the lunch.

You must always give the audience
what they came for.

- Yes.
- Take notes.

Bubby, it's okay.
Come on, come on, come on.

- It is not okay. It's not okay.
- It's okay.

Yeah, I don't think you have to worry
about Emily killing you

because they're all gonna
kill each other first.

The toilet's clogged.

That needs to stop happening.

Oh. For you, friend.

Wonderful.

There she is.

Fancy meeting you here.

You know, I still can't believe
that you came to this.

- Oh, I couldn't miss out on all the fun.
- Mm-hmm.

- How are you holding up?
- I'm good.

As long as they keep plying me
with enough booze

to kill a small show pony, I'll be fine.

Great.

I am curious, though.

What did she say to you
to convince you to come to this farce?

Oh, um, a little emotional blackmail,
a potential lawsuit,

sort of dangling my livelihood
over my head.

- Mm.
- You know, just girlfriend stuff.

Well, here's to murderous girlfriends
and murderous exes,

and of course congratulations
for all your success.

Thanks.

Whoa.

We think this is for real?

They seem happy.

No.

Well, Emily has a very short list

of people that she cares about:

Nicky and Emily.

End of list.

You and I, we don't even make that cut.

Especially not that
Italian Stallion over there.

Well, my mom always said
holding a grudge was like

drinking poison and waiting
for the other person to die.

Same old Stephanie.

Softball advice
with a side of zucchini muffins,

which if I remember correctly,
were some of

the most delicious things
that I've ever had in my mouth.

That took a weird turn, Sean.

- Come on.
- You still make those, though, right?

Yeah, I-- yes, I still enjoy baking.

And you're phenomenal at it.

And you match that
with the whole crime solving thing,

and... amazing.

I read your book, by the way.

I think I came to the conclusion that, um,

the only thing
that you and I had in common

was that we were both obsessed with Emily.

Obsession? Sean.

Seriously, Stephanie, listen to me.

If a grudge is self-inflicted poison,

then the person who invited you
to this wedding

is the most poisoned person
that I have ever met.

She doesn't let go.

And you are the biggest grudge
of her life.

That so?

Don't trust her for a minute.

Anyhoos, if we're not going to be fucking,
then I am off to cement my reputation

as the drunken malcontent of an ex.

Wish me luck.

Hi, moms. Stephanie here.

Uh, all the way in Capri,
still safe and sound so far.

Check out this place, huh?

Good thing they put up all the flowers.

Otherwise, these ancient ruins
would be real disappointing.

- Give me the phone now.
- Whoa!

Jesus Christ!

What's the problem?

If Signor Bartolo sees this
he will crush the phone...

and throw the woman off the cliff.

It's all good. Go. Go! Now!

What is that?
Why do they have guns?

Because that makes killing efficient.
Can you put that thing away?

It's go-- I didn't--

- I wasn't doing anything.
- Just don't let them--

He already saw you. Uh, Matteo saw you.

- Just-just do what he says, okay?
- Who--

What? Okay, all right.

The families are on a truce.

Hey, look at me.

- Stop that.
- We agreed with the rules.

No pictures of the Bartolos at this event.

She didn't understand. She--

Miss America, delete everything you have
on your phone, okay?

- Right now.
- Matteo, Matteo, Matteo, Matteo, Matteo.

Calm down, everyone, okay?

Stephanie is a visitor.

- She didn't know that. Yeah.
- Oh, yes.

I didn't know.

She didn't know. She's a visitor.

- Yeah.
- Yes. And whose fault is that?

Huh?

You're the one
who continues to bring

fucking Americans into our business.

Please stay calm. I'll handle her.

I'll handle this.

Okay, baby.
Baby, baby. I'll-I'll deal with him.

I'll deal with him.

Don't worry, baby. Don't worry.

First of all...

we're not doing business.

There won't be a single photo
of a Bartolo.

I won't allow it.

I'm going for a walk.

I'm going with him. See you later.

Yeah, I got you.

So hot, right?

Dante's in the Mob?

The Bartolos and Versanos
are business rivals.

- Everybody here's in the Mob?
- Stop saying "Mob"

or you're gonna get us both whacked.

Look at your face.

Yeah, but seriously, don't say it.

'Cause they won't whack me,

but, you know, they might whack you, so--
Come on.

Close your mouth. Shut the fuck up.
Let's get a drink.

These are real.
They're not... they're not fake.

I swear.

- Mama.
- Oh.

You look amazing.

No amount of fashion can rescue
this marriage from disaster.

- Oh, lovely.
- Mama.

Mama Portia, good to see you.

This is Stephanie. Stephanie Smothers,

- this is Portia Versano.
- Yeah.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.
You look beautiful.

Oh, coming from you,
that means very little.

Let's eat.

God, Mama.

I'm in love with her.

Everyone!

Before we begin, I have a surprise for

the charming woman who has kidnapped
my Dante's heart.

- I hate surprises.
- I don't know what it is.

- Tell me what it is.
- I don't know, my love. Honestly.

I was truly upset
when Dante told me that Emily had

no one to stand by her side at the wedding
except for a relative stranger.

Oh, I'm not a stranger. She--

Oh, poor Olivia--

Oh, I apologize. Emily.

- Oh.
- And so, my dear Emily,

this is my wedding gift to you.

The gift of your own true family.

Your dear, dear mother Margaret.

Wave, wave.

Baby, uh...

- You fucking cunt.
- Mama...

I'm so happy I came.

- Ow.
- Oh, just come on, walk.

See, now?
I said I didn't want to be in Italy.

- I want to be home with Bruce.
- Bruce is dead, honey.

We keep talking about this
over and over again.

- I know.
- Come on.

Oh! Monkey face!

Oh.

Oh, my gosh, I haven't seen you
since you were a baby.

But you prob-- oh, you probably
don't remember me.

It's your Auntie Linda.

Oh.

I delivered you and your sister.

- Yeah, uh, so my mom told us.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I thought she made you up.

I didn't make her up.

She ushered you all in, from Hell.

Now, Margaret, be nice.

They came out of your womb,
for goodness' sake.

Look what a gorgeous young woman you've

- grown up to be.
- Mm.

I have to tell you,
I tried to track you down forever,

but it's like you just disappeared
off the face of the earth.

But now look at us.

- I'm here at your wedding!
- Yeah.

Come, say hi to your mother.
Margaret, look who's here.

- It's your daughter.
- Yeah.

Faith?

No, honey, Faith is dead. It's Hope.

Hope?

Hello, Mother. You look different.

- I had work done.
- Huh.

Is that your son?

Yeah. Okay, yeah.

- You don't need to-- You can just--
- Are you really my grandma?

Yeah, this is her. Yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Demon spawn.

- I'm sorry, what?
- Child of Satan.

It's alive.

Arsonist. Murderer.

You crazy old witch,
you ruined my childhood.

I'm not gonna let you ruin his.

- Okay?
- Linda, where is Bruce?

No, you stay away from me.

Everybody, listen.

When she started bleeding,
I wanted them to sterilize her,

but they wouldn't do it, would they? No.

They didn't understand
that there is evil inside her,

and evil is the only thing
that can come out.

Margaret. It's okay, everybody.
It's just a bit of jet lag.

Now, Margaret, nobody likes to hear you
go all fire and brimstone.

Let's go back to the hotel,
and we'll get you a Gibson.

- Thank you.
- Yes, come--

You know, Linda, I know what you did.

Yeah, I saw the ashes.

I mean, who burns a baby?

Right?

Oh.

Uh, sorry.
She'll, uh, she'll be right as rain

after a couple Gibsons and a-a nap.

Thank you so much.
My-my Bubba. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

- Are you okay?
- Your mom's a big fat dick.

My mom, my mom...

What's so funny?

I mean, what's not funny?

You know, Emily tried to play out
some revenge fantasy

by getting us to come to this bollocks,

and then she gets outplayed
by her future mother-in-law.

I mean,
I couldn't write it better myself.

You couldn't write
a grocery list yourself.

Oh. How original.

I mean, I thought you might have
gone wittier with your stint in prison,

but I guess you were too busy
finger-banging your cellmates.

I mean, what's next,
some sort of withering put-down

about the size of my penis?

Oh, God, no. No, no.

I actually thought it was a belly button.

Honestly, for, like, a year straight.

Mm, a belly button.

Well, in compared
to your cavernous vagina, sure.

You know, sometimes
I thought I was fucking

a wind sock in a rainstorm.

You're a fucking psychopath!

Your entire family are psychopaths.

And what's more, you're marrying
some sort of budget mafioso.

No court in the world's
gonna turn me down.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Oh, I didn't tell you?

I'm petitioning for full custody of Nicky.

Oh, shit.

What, you don't let me see
my kid for five years,

and then you think you're gonna
take him away from me forever?

No. No.

Sean, do you want to, um,
have the conversation somewhere el--

You ruined my fucking life!

First they thought I was a murderer,

and then they thought I was
some sort of pathetic loser

because I couldn't keep
some Internet-famous housewife happy.

I'm a literary pariah,

and all because I stuck my dick
into the both of you.

Enough! Shut the fuck up!

Shut the fuck up.

That's enough.

With all respect,
I think it's time for you to go.

With all due respect, fuck you.

And suck my dick.

Wow.

What a family
you're marrying into, figlio mio.

Of all the people
you could have married,

- you had to choose this one.
- Can you
shut her the fuck up?

Is there anybody who wants dessert?

I guess I'll go talk to her.

What's going on?

What a fucking mess.

Do you know what I'd do to Sean
if I wasn't so close to being free?

Drown him in a lake?

Come on, it's a joke.

You know, this is all your fault.

If you would've just let me disappear
after my sister died,

I could've collected that insurance money,
taken Nicky away.

I wouldn't have had to deal
with any of this shit.

Sure. But how would you have
gotten him away from Sean?

You know, back in, uh, back in the day,

this place was run
by this dude named Tiberius.

He was the emperor.

And he became known for this...

this charming little thing
called the Leap of Tiberius.

Basically, he just invited people here

to be an entertaining diversion,
to amuse him.

But if they didn't amuse him, he...

he threw them off the fucking cliff.

Huh.

Maybe that's why I brought you here.

To be my entertaining diversion, you know,
with your whole mommy crime hour and your,

"Oh, no, what's Emily
gonna do to me next?"

All that pearl clutching of yours.

But I'm not feeling entertained.

Or amused.

You know, if you toss me off a cliff,
you'll never see Nicky again.

Huh.

I'm not gonna throw you off a cliff, baby.

You're my maid of honor. I need you.

Sean, on the other hand...

Okay.

I'm going back to this event from Hell.

I'll see you later
at my bachelorette party.

Oh, I'm a little jet laggy,

- so I'm probably just gonna skip it.
- No, no, no.

Go back to the hotel, take a nap.

I'd skip this thing if I could.

And wear a bathing suit.

If you stand me up,
I will toss you off the fucking cliff.

Come on, Steph.

Stephanie.

Come on!

Fuck!

Stupid fucking dick again!

Hello?

I don't need room service, thank you.

Unless you're Dante's mom.
Then come on in.

The fuck?

I don't want to talk to you.

Get out of here. Ow.

Why would you do that?

Fuck.

Hi, moms.

Stephanie here. Still alive. So far.

I'm just heading to the pool
for the bachelorette party.

Hope I'm not the first person there.

You're late.

You remember Emily.

Hi, Stephanie fans.

Do your fans have a label?

The Smotherettes?
The Smother Me To Deaths?

It's a branding opportunity.
You need to be on this shit.

No one else is coming?

- No one else was invited.
- Oh.

This way, we have the place
all to ourselves.

Oh, how about the Steph Infections?

Catchy, layered. Love. Vote on it, ladies.

We don't need to vote. I don't think we--

- Yeah, we do.
- Oh, they're voting. Oh.

Wow. Well, I'm gonna sign off.

If I die, show this video to the police!

- Ah! Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God, she's hilarious.

She did it!

Oh, but seriously.

We're making a martini with ice.

I told you, Stephanie,
I'm a changed woman.

A little watering down never hurt anyone.

Other than your sister Faith.

Oh, shit!

Are you for real right now?

What?

After all I've done for you?

Look at all this.
This is all for you, baby.

Your numbers just went through the roof.

You can thank me for this.

How'd we get the place to ourselves?

I rented it out.
I'm so sick of everyone else.

Ugh.

Ah, just like old times, you know?

You, me and a couple super dry martinis.

To old friends, new beginnings.

And not getting poisoned.

Mm.

How long?

Two minutes, 37 seconds.

- Best one yet.
- That's it?

No, that was your best one.

Come on, Smothers.

Ugh. No.

Kate Winslet, she could do it
for like seven minutes

when she was preparing for, um,

The One of Wat--
The Way... The Way of Water.

- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- The Avatar thing.

I saw a whole thing on YouTube.
She's amazing.

Yeah, well, she also killed Jack, so...

I know, right?

Girl, move over.

- Totally. Cold-blooded murder.
- There is room.

- There is room.
- Mm-hmm.

What is going on with Sean?

- He's so mean now. He's so mean and drunk.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not worried about him.

Totally.

No. Wait, what?

That's very ominous. Say more things.

Come on, you love it.

You do. Crime's your kink.

No. No.

I don't, um...

I stopped all that. I was... lousy at it.

You were not. I watched all your stuff
in the computer lab.

Uh, listen.

- The-the ice cream truck guy who was--
- Super fan.

I am a super fan.

No, no, no.
You're genuinely good at it, though.

You are.
The-the guy who was laundering money.

- Yeah.
- And the, and the-the meditation mommy

who was locking her nanny
in the basement.

It's so fucked up.

She was a disgrace to moms.

And the one-- that creep, the swim coach.

The guy who was filming the-the kids

- in the locker room. Fuck.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, the...

- "The Speedo Pedo."
- Yeah.

Yeah, that was, that was a real mess.

I know. He was a fucking perv.
Good riddance.

Yeah. Yeah.

No, I didn't do it.

I'm explaining to everyone out there
that I didn't do it.

I'm just trying to figure out the truth.

You ruined my fucking life.

We can figure this out, okay?

Don't.

What? What's up?
What are you doing?

Oh, there's more.

There is very specifically
no more.

- The guy is dead, so--
- No. No, no, no.

No, I'm supposed to believe
that-that Super Mommy

feels bad for a pedophile?

- I don't buy that.
- No, I was the one who found

the photo cache, and...

he shot himself right in front of me,
so it's not a great memory.

Okay.

And the cops, um, they weren't s-sure

if the evidence was planted on his comp--

I don't know. I don't know.

You think he was innocent.

If he wasn't guilty, it's too late now.

Well, I don't know.
I don't know about that.

People don't come back from the dead.

Except you.

'Cause you-you caught me, asshole.

I wish you didn't, but you did
because your instincts are fucking great.

If you think he was guilty, he was guilty.

Ugh, low-self-esteem Stephanie
is such a boner killer.

Can you just go back to being cute? Oh.

You do have terrible instincts in men.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Thank you.

No, no. You're the one who married Sean.

Mm. Ugh.

Please. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth.

I hate it. Don't even talk about it.

- I hate it.
- And Dante's very, uh...

very sexy, very rich, very all the things.

Mm. You know.

But?

We've all seen The Godfather.

You know?

It doesn't work out great
for Diane Keaton.

Hmm.

Well, Diane Keaton
didn't write her ending.

I write mine.

Dad!

I know it's past curfew,
and I'm sorry I stayed out so late.

I lost my key, okay?

I'm-I'm sorry.

Hey, Nicky.

Your dad's probably asleep.

He was, uh, pretty tired when I saw him.

He's probably passed out drunk again.

Um... tell you what.

Why don't you go to the front desk,

and we'll have the housekeeper
let us in, okay?

I'll wait here in case your dad comes out.

- Okay?
- Okay.

So, the maid
opened the door...

...and there he was.

Just the way you all saw him.

I had just finished my clay mask,

which is step three in my nightly regimen,
when I heard Stephanie screaming.

That was the housekeeper. I don't scream.

Well, I tell you, I just came running.

Mind you, I barely knew him.

A tragic accident.

We hate it when such things
happen on the island.

Never good for tourism.

This is
truly a nightmare.

Darling, we must postpone the wedding.

- Mom, I must get married.
- No, but it's not possible--

Mom, I cannot change the wedding date.

That's not even possible.

Signora McLanden,
I'm very sorry for your loss.

Thank you, Detective.

Despite everything, Sean was a good man.

I'll let you all get some sleep.
Good night.

Alright, let's go.

Not to be callous,
but this solves a lot of problems for you.

Wow, that was callous.

And yeah.

I guess it does.

Excuse me.

Hi. Um, sorry.

Just-- How can you be so sure
that this was an accident?

He was drunk when we all saw him last,

but drunk people generally don't just
bleed out of their eyes, nose and mouth.

I mean, just doesn't that seem odd to you?

I know you haven't had time
to run a toxicology,

much less an autopsy.

American women
and your true crime obsession.

Thank you, signora, for your concern,

but we have dealt with cases
like this many times.

- This was simply a tragic accident.
- Tragic accident. I heard you.

There are a lot of people at this wedding
who have reason to want Sean dead.

Some more than others.

The Versanos are fine,
upstanding people, signora.

Neither they nor anyone they would invite
to this island would ever cause harm.

So I suggest you get some sleep

and get ready for the big day tomorrow.

Hmm?

Hi.

- Where have you been?
- I'm sorry.

I found the cutest little restaurant

and had the cutest little
three bottles of wine.

You look upset.

Sean's dead.

I think Emily might have killed him.

Oh, my God.

- Fantastic!
- Jesus! Vicky!

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

You know, it's just
the three bottles of wine

and the 15 years of trying to find
a hit goddamn book talking.

Are you sure it was Emily?

No. I mean, she had every reason to,

and now she has some kind of, like,
diplomatic immunity or something,

'cause all the cops here
are terrified of her new Mafia family.

Wait, Mafia?

Emily is marrying into the Mob?

You would know all this
if you were here doing your job.

I'm sorry, but yes!

That's amazing.

I'm sorry.

Okay. New plan.

Do not post anything on social media,
'cause that's what killed the first book.

Everybody already knew that story.

Good night, Vicky.

Oh, honey, you're in shock! You need me!

Jesus.

I brought you a cornetto.

I don't know.
I've just never understood biscotti.

It's visually dull. It tastes like chalk.

Absolutely
sorry excuse for a pastry.

Why are you following me?

I'm sorry. Do I know you?

I guess, 'cause you were at my reading,

and then you were outside my wine bar,
and now you're in Italy.

It's crazy. Are you a stalker?

Do I need Mace? 'Cause I have Mace.

I didn't think you could see me.

I am so bad at observe and report.

- It's, like, insane.
- Sorry, um...

Observe and report?

Are... are you a cop?

Agent Irene Walker.

- FBI.
- You're FBI?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Really?

Dressed like that?

I'm undercover.

Okay. Um, and why are you following me?

Do you know this woman?

That... that's Emily's Aunt Linda.

That's the, um...

She's at the Dress Barn.

That's right around the corner
from the Book Nook.

Well, yeah, this was taken
the same day as your reading.

Linda was in Warfield?

Uh, and who's-who's that?

Possible accomplice.

Right.

Wait, that's Emily.

That's Emily's tattoo.

I... I thought they just met.

Wh-- Sorry. Why are you following Linda?

Um, I didn't say that I w--
I said too much.

- I-- Give me my phone back. No.
- No, you--

Give me my phone back. I'm not saying it--

You are following me--

Stephanie.

Hi.

Hey.

Good morning.

I see you're making friends.

Well, the power of the Internet.

You know?

She's, um, a big fan of my show.

- "Hi, moms."
- That's the show I do.

Oh, my goodness, Stephanie.

It seems like you're
an international superstar.

Well, you know, the moms are everywhere.

So true. Everyone has one.

Have so much fun on the rest of your trip.

- Thank-- Yes, you, too. Absolutely.
- Yeah.

Uh, wait, wait.

Uh, do you want me to take
your picture with her?

Yeah, I would. Of course I would.

- It would be weird if you didn't.
- It would be so weird

- if I didn't want that, so I do.
- Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Um, you can take it on my phone.

- Well, open your camera for him.
- Yeah.

Don't just hand him your unlocked phone

- like a crazy person.
- Right.

Let's be safe, ladies.

- Here you go.
- Let's see. Cheers.

Let's do it. All right.

I wish.

All right. All right.

Three, two, one.

Three, two, one, and three, two, one.

Aw, beautiful.

Thank you. Amazing.

Yeah, have...

Have a good day.

You, too, big-big guy. You're a big guy.

Okay, um, Stephanie, I'll see you around.

Or I'll see you-- I'll-I'll be wa--

- I'll be watching your videos or--
- Okay.

- I'll wa-- be watching online.
- On the Internet. Okay. Yep.

Must be hard being so popular, right?

Price of fame.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Um...

I should probably find Emily, you know?

I'm sure she needs something.

- Big day and all.
- Right.

Maid of honor never rests, right?

I'll just...

Just gonna... squeeze past you here.

Okay.

Maid of honor never rests.

- Ben?
- Hello. Hello?

Can you run a background check
on someone for me?

- Linda McLanden?
- McLanden?

Related to Emily?

Uh, it's her aunt. Yeah.

Uh, can you look her up on the FBI system?

Yeah, I could, uh,

hit up my boy Jim in the New York office.

- But what's up?
- I don't know,

but I need to.

Okay, thanks.

You're the best. Sorry to wake you.

Ah, come on, I wasn't asleep.

- Of course you weren't.
- Hey, Steph,

it's nice to hear you back in the game.

I'm not back in the game.

Everyone else but me is just incompetent.

Okay, bye.

Oh! Oh! Stephanie.

My goodness, you gave me such a fright.

I'm so sorry.

- How are you, sweetie?
- Oh, I'm good.

- I'm just here to check on Emily.
- Oh, don't.

I wouldn't bother with that.

- She is in a real mood.
- Oh.

Threw both me and her dressmaker out.

I think she's taking
Sean's death pretty hard.

Sure. It would be weird if she didn't.

Yeah, so I think it's best

if we just give her
all the space she needs

- before the wedding, you know.
- Oh.

We all process the happiest day
of our life differently.

- Oh.
- Don't we?

- Yeah, we sure do.
- Yeah.

It's so great
that you're here for her now.

So great that you're here for her, too.

So I'll see you at the altar.

I will see you at the altar.

- Not if I see you first.
- Oh.

Well...

time to get beautiful.

As if it's possible for you
to be any more beautiful.

Oh, you're so sweet.

You look lovely, Emily.

Do I?

I, Dante,
take you, Emily, as my wife...

until death do us part.

Until death do us part.

In the name of the Father...

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Clap. Who got married?

Oh, my God.

Um, Mama, can I, um...
can I go play with my drone?

- You okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay.
- Thank you. I love you.

I love you.

Okay.

Right.

Yep.

Thank you. Thanks for being here to share
this new beginning with us both.

I'd like to make a-a toast
to someone who changed my life.

When my father died,

I was very young.

My mother Portia stepped up,

- protected me.
- Aw.

Taught me how to run a family business.

So, I wouldn't be who I am today
without your love and sacrifices.

- Aw.
- Yeah. Really.

You taught me how to be a man.

So it's in your honor...

yeah, it's in your honor that I do this.

This is my prenup.

And this...

...is the fire of love.

What the fuck
are you doing?

Oh. That's fire.

Some have questioned about
bringing an American into our fold.

Let no one doubt how far I'll go for love.

To peace.

Peace between those I love,
but even more than that...

Peace...

between the Bartolos and the Versanos.

Peace.

Cheers.

I am in Hell.

This is Hell...

and I'm being punished for my sins.

My lovely Emily
has informed me that, um,

Stephanie Smothers,
her maid of honor and, um, dear friend,

will make a toast as well.

Oh.

- Stephanie.
- Whoo!

Oh, it's a nightmare. Hello!

I'm Stephanie. I am the maid of honor.

So I have a speech that I will say now.

It's difficult to follow
someone burning their prenup.

Kind of a dick move.

Really set me up to fail. Just kidding.

What can I say about Emily?

I met Emily because our sons were friends

and motherhood is a powerful bond.

This creature just comes
screaming out of your body,

rips you in half really.

But marriage, you know,
when does marriage not work out?

Uh, in my case...

murder-suicide, and in Emily's,

you know, just the classic laundry list:

extortion, identity fraud,
fratricide, prison.

But you two are gonna be great.
I've got a feeling.

Did you guys know that, uh,
married couples cannot be

compelled to testify
against each other in court?

So, congratulations.

Let's kick this off with a bang!

Oh.

- Assholes.
- Thank you, Stephanie.

That was beautiful.

My pleasure.

Oh, Lord have mercy.

I cannot believe
he burned the prenup.

That's who Dante is.

He loves grand gestures.

Let's hope nothing happens to him.

Another martini, signora?

Why not, Alessandro?

- No ice.
- Never.

Your martini, signora. No ice.

Thank you.

Are you
fucking drunk? Put down the gun.

Put down the gun!
Put down the gun!

Put down the gun!

Help!

Help! Help! Help!

We need help! We need an ambulance!

- Are you okay? What happened?
- Dante!

Dante's in there!

What are you
doing here?

Go there! Get him out!

What do you
know about this?

What do you know about this?!

Nothing! No, he was here five minutes ago!

I-I... Stephanie, what did you see?

Um, uh, he was arguing with someone,
and I couldn't see anything,

and then they started shooting him,
and they just kept shooting him,

- then it exploded!
- Someone shot my son?

- Wait, who was he fighting with?
- I don't know.

- You didn't see?
- No, I couldn't.

- You didn't see anything?
- No.

- Nothing?
- No!

No.

You tricked him
into giving you everything.

And then this happens?

One hour later?

- Coincidence?
- No, no, no, no.

She was with me this entire time
watching the fireworks.

She couldn't have done this, I swear.

You don't say that.

I loved him so much. Don't say that.

And excuse me,
but any number of people here

would have reasons to kill him.

Isn't half this place a-a rival gang?

I would never kill Dante! I...

We drank to our truce.

I made a vow.

The Bartolos never back down
on their word.

So... so...

who killed my Dante?!

And that's how
we got here, moms.

Uh, me under house arrest,

Sean's dead, Dante's dead.

Emily's acting... creepy.

I mean, creepier than normal.

I don't know why anybody would think
I would want to kill Dante.

Just...

Yes, thank you for the suggestion.

I've actually checked.
I can't climb down off the balcony.

I--

Yes, I know.

Before you say it, I--

Hey, hey, hey, listen to me.

Miles was expelled from camp.

He's... he's what?

Expelled.

Excommunicated from
the Tribe of Minnetonka.

And yes, those are the words
that camp counselor Val used.

That woman is a cultural moron.

What happened?

He took a ski boat joyriding.

He doesn't know anything about boats.
How could he even--

- He hot-wired it.
- Great, yeah.

Goddamn Grand Theft Auto, I swear to God.

Some kids were making fun of your show,
and then

they dared him to steal the boat.

Perfect. This is great.

I'm in Capri, and my son's a felon,
and I'm under arrest.

- This-this is perfect.
- Okay, stop that.

I'm on my way to pick him up right now.

No, okay. Just tell me--

Wait, Stephanie,
did you say you're under arrest?

Stephanie? Stephanie?

Did you find a--

What is she doing here?

I'm here to help in whatever way I can.

- Uh-huh, I'll bet you are.
- Our investigation is ongoing.

Until it's finished, I'm going to need
your passport and your phone.

No, my-my, uh, kid
just got expelled from camp,

so I-I can't be offline.

Of course, yes.
We noticed that these murders

have increased
your subscriber numbers significantly.

Just heartless and cold
to profit off this kind of tragedy.

When did you get so invested, Aunt Linda?

Wh... When you ruined
my niece's life for the second time.

Are you an idiot?

Are you not following
what's going on here?

Your phone, please.

And your passport.

Emily knows I didn't do this.

I've never even held a gun.
Well, one time.

That was different. They were blanks.

You leave her alone.

Opportunists like you aren't gonna
take advantage of her again.

She made me come here.

Don't even bother.

From what I understand,
you've always been jealous of Emily.

You probably have some sick,
twisted crush on her.

Shame on you!

Your passport.

You will be hearing from my lawyers

as soon as I figure out
how to get a lawyer.

First you will need someone
willing to represent

the woman accused of killing
the head of Familia Versano.

Leave us.

I'd like Stephanie alone.

Hon, you don't have to do this.

No, I want to.

Signor Lucchese, please.

I'd hate to have to involve
my new mother-in-law and family.

You may go now.

We'll... be right outside.

Please be careful.

Thanks.

- Take this.
- Mm.

Corpse Bride, are you for real?

Is she for real?

The moral condemnations
and her folksy little sayings?

I know you two know each other.

I don't know if you're working together.

What is the game here?

This isn't a game for me, Stephanie.

All I ever wanted was
someone who was mine.

But you took that from me.

Time and time again.

And you tell me I don't get to feel pain.

What are you talking about?
What-what are you doing?

I had to tell
Detective Lucchese everything.

I'm sorry. I couldn't keep lying.

That has never been
a problem for you before.

The key to the shackles
of deceit is truth.

And what truth is that exactly?

The night Sean died,
you were late to the pool.

I wasn't late. You were early.

I thought you were doing it to protect me
'cause he was so awful.

But you were just using me.

For your sick revenge against poor Sean.

I didn't kill Sean.
You know I didn't kill Sean.

I didn't think you would do it again,

but then you killed my Dante.

What is happening?

Is this why you brought me to the wedding?
What are you doing?

Stephanie, please stop.

Jesus Christ.

Stop.

You hurt me, but I'm trying to help you.

Just tell the police everything.
They already know.

You can confess,

they'll make a deal,
and you can see your son again.

I'm doing this for you.

You told me once you loved me,

and I take that kind of declaration
very seriously.

I never s-- I never said I loved you.

Who are you?

You broke my heart, Stephanie.

You're not Emily.

Oh, you sound crazy.

You're not Faith.

I saw Faith's body at the morgue.

- You can't be Faith.
- No, stop.

Stop. You're scaring me.

You're scaring me now,
and I don't like to be scared.

The police are right outside.

I know.

Emily!

Emily!

I know who you are.

You think I don't know who you are?!
I fucking know who you are!

Signora Smothers,
you will remain under house arrest

for your own safety,
in the event the Versanos overreact.

Oh, she tried to kill me.

Get the fuck off me!

What have you done?!

Don't let her get away with it!

You think I don't know what's happening?!

- I fucking know what's happening!
- Don't!

Fucking psycho!

What have you done? What have you done?!

Who are you?

You work for the Mafia?
You're here to kill me?

I am to say "Irene sent me."

- Irene?
- Yeah.

Oh, God.

Uh, are you FBI, too?

No. She paid me money.

- And screw the police.
- Yeah.

They arrest my husband. And for what?

He doesn't steal those chickens.

Just borrows.

Got it.

She will meet you here.

Great. Um, what's the plan
to get me out of here?

'Cause the cops are right outside.

I don't know.
She only paid me to deliver the note.

Okay.

Where's your cart?

In the hall next to the police.

Um, grab your cart,
and-and I'll get inside,

and you can just roll me past.

Okay. Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
- Why not?

Okay, um, so I need to hide,

and this is see-through.

This is my cart.

You can hide in it. Look.

Debatable.

Um, do you have one
that is not see-through?

Wow, um...

uh, do you understand English?

Of course I do.
I'm talking to you right now.

So true.

Um... okay.

I need a cart that you can't see through
so I can hide.

All of this
for ten euro.

What are you looking at?

Go clean something.

Maybe I'll go steal me a nice chicken.

There's a room I need
to find with an old lady in silk pajamas.

Fake hair? Drinks all day?

Yeah.

Come with me.

Speak English!

No one can understand what you're saying.

Bruce!

Bruce!

The television is broken.

Hello.

Hello, Margaret.

Oh.

You're Hope's friend, aren't you?

That insurance agent.

I'm still waiting on that check.

Uh, right.

Uh, the... the check's coming.

Oh, yeah, the check is on the way.

Um...

Oh, no, don't--

I-I wanted to ask you about

Hope and Faith's triplet, Charity.

The one who didn't survive.

She's here.

I saw her.

Just creeping around
in the shadows in a bad wig.

But I saw her.

I saw her.

And I just know
that that's my little angel.

Why does everyone think she died?

Because she did die.

And Linda sent her soul to Hell.

Oh. Oh, oh, no. No, thank you.

- Have a look.
- Oh, it's--

That's really cool.

You know, Linda delivered the triplets.

Hope and Faith first, and...

...and then the third baby

came out dead.

Cord wrapped around her neck.

The other two were holding it.

They strangled my Charity in the womb.

Their own sister. Can you imagine?

Then she took that poor little pure body

and cremated it
before I even had a chance to see her.

You know, before I could
even call a priest

to bless her poor departed soul,
she was gone.

Linda stole the baby.

But now

God has brought Charity back to me.

He went down into Hell,
and he brought her back.

You saw her.

And Charity will visit
God's wrath on Linda

for not giving her a Christian burial.

She is the hammer of the Almighty!

Boop.

Hmm. They're gonna punish Hope, too.

Yeah, you'll see.

You'll see.

Uh, I need your phone.

Your, uh, "telephone-o."

I know what a telephone is.

Okay, it's an "emergencia."

Stop speaking Italian!

- I know what--
- Oh, my God.

Grazie! Grazie!

Please! It's mine!

That's my telephone!

All my secrets are in there!

Move.

Find her.

Shit.

No, I know that they're Capri bells,
but that little

jingling noise is gonna
drive me up a fucking wall,

- so do you have anything more silent?
- Vicky. Vicky.

Yes.

Vicky. Oh, my God.

Ben!

Stephanie, where are you?

- I've been calling.
- I'm under arrest.

Or I-I was.

Or I-- well, I escaped, basically.

The Mob is sort of after me, so--

The FBI is aware

of your situation
and prepared to get you out of there.

Oh, thank God. Okay.

Now, look, Linda McLanden
is extremely dangerous.

She's connected
to several unexplained deaths,

all of them men she's conned.

Now, the FBI, they got somebody out there.

Yeah, uh, Agent Irene Walker.

Not their finest.

Well, she's aware of your situation.

She's gonna get you to a safe house
Interpol has set up on the island.

She'll keep you safe
until we can get you out of there.

No, I-I'm going to meet her right now.

Great. I'll let Interpol know. Oh.

- Call me when you're in the house.
- I will. I will. I will. I will. I will.

Stephanie!

Hey. I'm here.

- You see her?
- Oh, holy shit,

this woman's gonna get me killed.

Okay, if I don't die,

- I'll talk to you later.
- Steph, what is she--

Oh, my God, cute sweater.
Did you buy that here?

Could you be drawing
more attention to yourself?

Oh, sorry. I'm just so glad you're alive.

Me, too.

Um, Linda is working
with Emily's dead sister Char--

well, uh, she-- Charity's not dead.

She's pretending to be Emily,
and they're trying to frame me,

- and so now the Mob is after me.
- Hey, it is okay. It is ok--

- We need to keep a low profile.
- Listen. Hey.

- You're in good hands.
- Okay.

Okay? Let's get to the safe house.
You can tell me all about it.

- Okay.
- I've got your back--

Did you bite your tongue?

Oh, I hate when that happens.

Are you okay?

Knife! Knife!

Knife! Knife!

Murderer! Murderer!

Oh,
you fucking bitch. No!

Murderer!

I didn't do anything!
I didn't do anything--

Are you serious?

Ay.

Linda, why has no one come
to fix the television?

I don't know. It's fucking Italy!

That's all I'm hearing.

It's driving me crazy.

I thought maybe Bruce
could fix it or Hope's friend,

but no, they're gone.

Wait, was Stephanie just here?

Listen.

Popeye sounds like he's speaking Italian.

Margaret!
Focus that gin-pickled brain of yours.

I need to know: Was Stephanie just here?

I just said she was.

Did you talk to her?

Yeah, there's something off
about that girl,

and it's not just because
she's a terrible insurance agent.

- Margaret, what-- Shut up!
- Is she 12?

Did you talk to her?
What did you say to her?

What did you say?

Well, I told her everything.

- What do you mean?
- All about Charity.

Yeah.

She knows what you did,

and she's gonna tell the whole world,

and then so will I,

and then you are going
to rot in Hell, Linda.

That's unfortunate, Margaret.

God knows what you did to Charity,

and he will punish you.

Shit.

You should thank me.

I gave Charity a much better life
than she would've had with you.

And unlike your girls,
she never ran away from me.

Kids are valuable in my line of work, sis.

Everyone trusts kids.

And there's nothing
like working with family.

Right?

Gosh darn it.

Who's there?

Mrs. Versano, hi.

Um...

Uh, this is a really nice... basement.

It's a little spinny, but, um...

Look, I think there's been...

a huge mistake.

- Okay?
- Yes.

You killed my only son.

I didn't. I swear to God, I didn't.

I didn't even know him.
Why would I kill him?

That's what I'm here to find out.

Um, what's that?

Whatever that is, I think, um,
we don't need it, you know?

We can just talk.

Sodium thiopental.

Okay, truth serum is not--

I-I sort of work with law enforcement,
and that's not gonna do anything

other than get me
really fucking high, so--

Okay!

My compliments to the chef.

Yes.

It works quickly.

You said it, sister.

- I used it on my husband once.
- No way.

Yeah, to find out who he was fucking.

But there were so many names.
He wouldn't stop.

Do you want to know who I'm fucking?

It's this guy named nobody.

Nada.

- Niente.
- Let's stick to the subject.

Okay. Okay.

So I was seeing this guy in the city,

and then when I didn't put him
in the acknowledgements for my book,

he just broke it off.
Can you believe that?

Why did you kill my son?!

I didn't.

It was Emily's triplet, Charity.

She's been here the whole time.
Can you believe that?

I think she killed Sean, too.

And an FBI agent. Mm.

A really stupid one.

Hey, I read your book.

Tabloid garbage.

I know the triplet is dead.

Oh, my God.

Everyone's a critic.

No, no, no.
Charity was dead, but she wasn't.

She was, um, she was the opposite of dead.

She was undead. Not like a zombie.

She was just, um,
she was just, like, alive.

She probably killed Emily.

- Aw.
- This jumble of words makes no sense!

What aren't you telling me?

You're holding something back.

Please don't make me say.

Tell me.

Tell me.

Okay.

I knew I would be the best PTA president,
so I stuffed the ballot box with my name,

but it shouldn't be a popularity contest,
and Stacy's had it out for me--

No, we're talking about Olivia!

Emily.

Hope McLanden.

Whatever fucking name she uses.

I did it.

I killed him.

I knew you killed my Dante.

No.

Not Dante.

No.

Dante was so handsome.

I would've licked ice cream off his face.

No, I killed the gym teacher.

I mean, I didn't kill him,
but he killed himself because of me.

If I'm being honest,
I've killed so many men.

I don't know what to do. They die.

They die if I love them.
They die if I don't love them.

I can't do anything.

I can't keep people alive.

I can't even solve crimes anymore.

I just want it to stop.

Enough!

I know you had an arrangement
with Emily to kill my Dante.

Oh.

Was it for the money?

Money?

Or... or...

do you just have some sick obsession

with that awful woman
who brought you into my life?

I am not obsessed with her.

I don't know why
everybody keeps saying that.

No.

No, I wouldn't
take money from Emily.

She's so... she's so sort of...

twisty and confusing.

It's like she's always sort of
very serious, and then she'll laugh.

You know that thing? I don't know.

I don't think she knows
what she's doing now

'cause she's not the one doing it.

'Cause she's probably dead.
Keep up, sister.

It's unbelievable.
She is useless.

Did you see that
black dress she was wearing?

I was like, you--
it was just doing a lot, you know?

When she walked in the room,
she was carrying a parasol.

- Girl, we are inside.
- She's crazy.

Kill her.

And make sure the body is never found.

What'd she say?

Oh. Yeah. Okay.

Plastic sheeting makes sense.

That's smart, you know?
Makes cleanup a breeze.

But she really mumbled that last part,

so maybe you want
to double-check what she said,

'cause you might have
misheard her, you know?

I-I mean, up to you guys,
but that's sort of the thing about murder.

No takesies backsies.

What's happening?

Oh!

I'm fine!

I just tipped over.

What's going on?

I can't see what's happening.

All righty.

- You good? You good?
- Oh, of course it's you.

You are so obsessed with me!

Stop! I need space.

You're being really clingy.

Did you know Charity's alive?

She's killing everybody
you ever loved, girl.

I'm aware.

Oh, thank you.

Are you okay?

I know you're here 'cause you need me,
'cause I'm so smart and I'm so pretty.

'Cause Emily loves Stephanie!

Glad to have you back.
You enjoying that truth serum?

Oh. Wow!

- Let's get out of here.
- Okay.

- Come on.
- No. No. No!

- You could be Charity. No.
- We have to go.

Oh. You could be Charity.

- Prove that you're Emily. No.
- Stephanie, Stephanie.

Say something only Emily would know.

- Prove you're Emily!
- We do not have time for this.

Prove it!

Brother-fucker, I told you
we do not have time for me

to detail the basement sex
you had with your half brother

who may or may not be
the father of your child.

I pray to God every day

that Miles doesn't see
a commercial for 23andMe.

All right, all right! We get it!

This isn't how you talk
to somebody you're in love with.

Why are we still standing here? Let's go.

Let's go.

How did you do that?

Prison, bitch.

Come on. Come on.

- Oh, my God.
- Let's go.

- Why did they bring me to the ocean?
- Yeah, no, let's walk.

Yeah, face forward. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Oh, all right.

I think we need to
pull over or I'm gonna puke on your head.

Oh, God. Okay. No, no, no. Don't do that.

Don't-don't do that.

- Oh, God.
- You done?

It's not like we have the Mob after us.

I mean...

the good news is
I'm not high anymore, mostly.

Where the hell have you been?

I'm very glad Charity didn't kill you.

Oh, yeah, no, no.
There was no chance of that.

She, uh, likes me too much.

What does that mean?

Uh, I'm gonna need to ease in to this one.

That night after I, uh, I left you

at the pool, Aunt Linda was in my room.

Turns out I come from
a long line of con artists,

and Aunt Linda was tired of the hustle.

She wanted a way out, and she saw
my situation as her retirement plan.

She showed up

to blackmail me and Dante for $20 million.

Blackmail you for what?

Uh...

well, I guess it's not really
a secret to keep

now that he's dead.

Um...

when Dante and I first met,

you know, he was just another customer,

wanted a sympathetic ear.

Then he kept coming back, you know?

He'd tell me stories,
and we became friends.

And one day, he told me about

his great love,
the one that he could never be with.

The one his mom might even kill him over
if she ever found out.

You know, because of his last name.

Bartolo.

Matteo?

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Yeah, I make a pretty cute beard.

You know, they needed someone flashy

to draw eyes away from them,
so, you know, there I was.

Bathroom, 20 seconds.

Knock twice.

They've been together
for 15 years, nobody knew?

Yeah. Yeah, it was just this, you know,

small, beautiful thing
in a really fucked-up world.

So he reads you're in jail,
reconnects with you, and--

'cause... 'cause you're his way out.

I was the only person he ever told.

So you cut a deal,
his lawyers get you out of jail,

and he and Matteo-- mm.

Yeah, they can be together
without triggering a Mob war.

And obviously Aunt Linda
didn't give a shit about any of that.

The McLandens only care about money.

So you told her to fuck off, obviously.

But why did she kill Sean
before you'd even turned her down?

Yeah, I, uh...
yeah, I wondered the same thing

until Charity showed up
in my room the next day.

I-I honestly,
I couldn't believe it, you know?

There she was--
this person that I thought was dead

or, you know, didn't exist
was just standing in front of me

like a, like a creepy
Victorian ghost child.

Linda told me
that I have two sisters

but that they didn't want me,
and I knew it wasn't true.

No, that... We didn't know.

Do you know that I had no friends

and that she schooled me by myself

and raised me by myself
and I only had them?

All 'cause Linda needed my help
with her work,

ever since I was little.

And I didn't want to do it, but I had to.

- Oh.
- So I did.

But they would help me
so I wasn't so alone.

They did a good job.

Linda killed so many people.

Those poor, poor men.

And I hated it.

Um, Charity.

Until I didn't.

- What can I do for you now?
- Nothing.

I just want to see you.

I always knew that you would be my savior.

That both of my sisters would be my savior

and I might save you, too.

But then I heard that you killed her.

Why did you kill Faith?

- Why did you do that?
- Charity, y-you-you need to go.

Why did you take Faith from me?
I would've kept her.

Y-You're gonna destroy everything.

- I have a plan. I'm gonna fix everything.
- You-you don't need to fix anything.

I'm gonna fix everything. I forgive you.

- I forgive you.
- Okay.

I won't let you go ever again.

Yeah, I love you, too.

Okay. Need to make sure...

Oh, goddamn it.

...that we're together always.

Don't worry.

I saved you from Sean,

and tonight I'll save you from Dante, too.

Do you know I know the moment
you killed our sister?

I woke up screaming
because that water was so cold.

I could feel her pain.

But I could also feel yours.

Because...

...I'm not your sister, I'm you.

And you're me.

And we're just one.

We don't need Dante or Sean or Stephanie.

We don't need a woman or a man.

We just need each other.

I'm only ever gonna make you feel good.

So good.

So good because it makes me feel good.

Do you want to see what I mean?

Blink if that's okay.

Yay. We're gonna love this.

We can feel so good...

...at the same time.

Do you love it?

We're gonna have this forever.

Always.

So...

Charity's a sister-fucker?

You couldn't wait to say that, could you?

I mean, what was I gonna do, not say it?

- To you of all people?
- Well, I mean, you know,

that might be the definition of too soon.

Are you okay, by the way?

Sorry. That was really dark.

- Oh.
- We kind of skipped over that.

Thank you for your concern. Yeah.

- It happens.
- Well...

Eh, it never fucking happens.

Okay, so she locked you up, and you've
just been there this entire time?

Yeah, you know, she-she drugged me,
put up a "do not disturb" sign,

and then she went through with my wedding.

Honestly, the thing
that's most upsetting to me

in all of this is that...

...is that Dante died
thinking that that was me.

You know, that I'm the one
that killed him.

Anyway, for some reason, she didn't
show up to drug me this morning, so--

Yeah, 'cause she was killing an FBI agent
and framing me for it.

So what do we do now?

We get Nicky
and we get the fuck out of here.

That's your plan?

Yeah.

Your suggestion is to just keep running
forever with a ten-year-old son?

I know you brought me here
for revenge or as bait

or you want to fucking kill me
or something,

but now the Mafia
and the actual FBI want my head.

I didn't have to be part of this.
I shouldn't be here.

You could've just left me alone!

Why am I part of this?!
Why the fuck am I here?!

Baby, you think the whole time
that everybody wants to kill you?

I don't want to kill you.

All these people want my head.

You know, and if my plan didn't work out,
which, you know, obviously,

there was a very good chance
that it didn't,

I knew that if something happened to me...

I'd need to figure it out.

You're my knight
in shining fucking armor, Stephanie.

That's why you're here.

That's nice.

Well, it's true.

So, yeah, yeah, you know,
I don't have a better plan.

I'm all out.

But you, you always do.

You're ten steps ahead of everyone,
so what do you got?

'Cause I am not in the mood
to kill another sister.

Oh, someone should stitch that
on a pillow.

Okay. Shit, let me just think.

Just give me a second.

Hey, why are you-- Where's your phone?

Why are you live right now?

What are you talking about?

Hello, mothers.

Emily here.

I'm sure you're all expecting Stephanie,
but as some of you may have heard,

she's running from what she's done,

and I need to find her now.

So if any of you happen to see her,
please tell her.

Stephanie, you're like family to me.

And I need my sister back.

I can still feel you.

Can you feel me?

Aw, sister-fucker.

I must go now, but first,

say hi, angel.

My sweet boy, say hi. Say hello.

Okay, now I'm in the mood
to kill a sister.

He's so sleepy.

He told me that
being away from me felt like

falling off a cliff into oblivion.

He's such a sweet boy.

Okay.

Time to cut out
this rebellious streak of his.

We have somewhere to be.

We hope you'll meet us there.

Tiberius.

- Here, take this.
- Okay.

Come on, let's go.

And play it cool. That bitch is crazy.

Hi.

This is really fucked up, Linda.

Oh, he'll never remember any of this.

Charity really learned a lot from that
lovely pharmacist we had our time with.

Her knowledge of chemicals
really changed the game for me.

Drugs make life so much easier,
don't you think?

You know I'm gonna kill both of you
for fucking with my kid, right?

I hate to tell you, Emily,
but Nicky couldn't tell the difference

between his real mother and
her dead sister, even before the drugs.

Children are so adaptable.

And they make perfect props
for con artists.

I mean, who wouldn't trust a woman
with an adorable child in tow?

Isn't that what you've been
your whole life, Charity?

No.

Just a little prop?

To make your fake mother money?

Oh, yeah, poor Charity.

She really missed out
on a charmed life with old Margaret.

She could've grown up
in a fucking nuthouse

with a drug addict
and a murderer as her siblings.

Oh, eat a cock, Linda.

What do you want?

Seriously.

How do you think the two of you
get out of this?

The FBI's onto you.

One of their agents
just got murdered by your daughter.

Charity, what the fuck?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and...

Dante's dead, so are-are you
gonna blackmail a corpse?

No, my blackmailing days are over.

They died with Dante.

And blackmail's such a Band-Aid
on bigger problems anyway.

The long-term solutions are the best ones.

And the Versanos have so much more money
than $20 million.

Oh, the--
I'm sorry, that's, uh, that's it?

That's your plan?
You're gonna steal from the Mob?

No, I don't have to, darling.

Charity married Dante.

And everybody thinks she's you, Emily.

She's part of the family.

His powerful widow Emily.

She'll take his place at the top,

take care of her dear Aunt Linda
and her beloved Nicky,

and we'll all live happily ever after.

Yeah, except, uh, Portia fucking hates me,

and she'll never give you
that sort of power, so--

Well, you'd be amazed what a changed
person you've been since Dante died.

A totally different woman.

Mm.

Whom Portia has become quite fond of.

Well, other than the fact
that your insanely jealous

maid of honor was the one
who killed her son.

But when you bring her Stephanie's body

to prove yourself to the family,

then all will be forgiven.

Not bad, huh?

- It's pretty perfect, Linda...
- Mm-hmm.

...except for one thing.

Emily has to die, Charity.

No, no, Stephanie, only you do.

Right. Just after Emily.

- Goodbye, my dear niece.
- No.

- Only Stephanie.
- What?

No, Hope doesn't die.

Charity, what the fuck?

Only Stephanie. Hope stays alive.

Yeah, and how does that work, nutjob?

It does. Hope stays alive with me because

we are one.

No, she's right. Emily can't die.

It's true.

Charity and I are meant
to be together always.

Hey, fuck off and stay out of this,
both of you!

Charity, do not get weird on me, not now.

I'm not letting you kill my soulmate.

Jesus Christ, you only just met her!

And there can't be two of you.
It doesn't make any sense.

- There's only one of us.
- You're gonna...

You're gonna blow the whole thing.

Get-- No! Fuck!

- Jesus!
- Go. Go.

How is this fucking happening?!

Are you kidding me?!

Why is this happening?!

I will kill all three of you if I have to!

Goddamn it!

This plan is foolproof.

You think it was easy to come up with it
after psycho fuck over here killed Dante?

No, but I did it!

And it's a great plan!

And it's gonna happen right now!

Stealth mode, bitch!

No! Charity, give me the gun!

No! Charity!

Oh, shit!

She'll be okay.

But not you.

No, no, no.

Charity, no.

Stephanie... Stephanie doesn't die, okay?

She has to.

Because she took you away from me
and she'll do it again.

And when she hurts you, she hurts me.

She hurt me, too.

No, Stephanie doesn't hurt people, okay?

You and I, we-we-we... we do.

It's what the McLandens do-- Margaret,
Linda, my father, Faith, all of us.

That's-that's why we...

It's why we belong together.

It's why we deserve each other, you know?

Come here. I missed you.

Come here.

Oh, Charity, you killed so many people.

I did it all for you.

You shouldn't have done that.

That-that wasn't right.

You know, we can't let Stephanie
pay for that, can we?

No, we can't.

I mean, I can't,
and-and you and I, we're one, right?

So, together we can fix this.

You know, maybe you can
do something for me, for us.

For us.

To make it better.

Okay.

I would do anything for us.

And with us today
is Stephanie Smothers,

whose book Dying for Love:

A Killer in Capri is number one
on The New York Times Best Seller list.

It's the follow-up to her first book
The Faceless Blonde,

which has also seen
quite a boost in sales.

It's a pleasure to be here.

Emily Nelson--
or Hope McLanden, I should say--

quite a fascinating character study.

Yeah. Um, Emily lived a life
stranger than fiction.

I'm just glad that she's back
in custody where she belongs,

and I'm glad I could help
bring her to justice.

Again.

Right. Again.

We'll have more later
on the arrest

and extradition of Emily Nelson

for the bizarre murders
of her ex-husband, new husband,

aunt, mother, and FBI agent Irene Walker

while on the island of Capri.

Prosecution attorneys say Ms. Nelson
has made a complete confession.

Stephanie, you were also recently proven

to have been right
about the suspect you identified

in what turned out to be
an international child pornography ring.

I've got to know, how do you go
from shortbread recipes to crime solving?

Um, I think you'll find I'm a woman
who's full of surprises, Jake.

How else could I have ended up
on your wonderful program?

Oh, honey, you are
really crushing this interview.

Aw, thank you. You're getting soft on me.

No math on an empty stomach, guys.

God, my mom's such a dork.

No way, man. Your mom's a badass.

Totally.

Stephanie, you look great on television.

Ms. Nelson's lawyers
have abandoned her appeal

in the case of the murder
of her father Stanley and sister Faith.

If convicted, she will be

serving multiple life sentences.

And we'll be right back.

Jake Tapper could get it.

- Hello?
- Hey, it's your friend in hiding.

Yeah, I know. How are you?

Oh, I'm... you know, I'm okay.

Better now that sister-fucker's locked up.

Uh, I have something to ask you.

Uh, you know, just a...

simple favor for old times' sake.

Anything.

He's never gonna have
a decent childhood with me, so...

...promise me you'll raise Nicky
so he doesn't grow up like I did.

You know, until I see him again.

Yeah, I promise.

Um, see you around?

Yeah.

I'll be keeping an eye on you.

I'm always hiding in plain sight,
brother-fucker.

Will you be normal for once?
Just say goodbye.

I'll talk to you later.

I know what you did...

Hope.

You don't get to be my age
as a woman in this business

without knowing everything.

Deep in my heart, I knew...

you would never have hurt my Dante.

I will keep your secret.

He was...

He was such a good friend to me.

I-I really...

I really loved him.

I... I did.

Mm. We all did.

But my son is still dead because of you.

However, I consider you
to be part of the family now.

And I expect a lot from family.

So...

because of this, I have...

...a simple favor...

...to ask of you.

How simple?