Original subtitles

Welcome back to the Alien Award Show.

And now the award

for best alien uniform worn in a non-violent mission...

Sally, come on! They're doing uniforms!

...the Plecto Alien!

Oh, darn. The Plectos are getting everything.

Accepting on behalf of the Plectos

is their High Commander...

Oh, where's the remote? Lieutenant Colonel Zorgon--

I miss anything good?

No. Only the tribute

to all the aliens who died last year.

Oh. Anyway, how do I look?

Oh, fantastic!

Thank you. You know,

Albright's control-top pantyhose

really do the trick.

Oh, you can say that again.

Oh, you look great! Sit. Sit.

Oh.

Okay, what the hell is that?

Oh, it's, uh...

it's a--it's the tail end of a production number.

[chuckles]

♪ It's the Alien ♪

♪ Awards Show ♪

And now...the award for best mission

in a single-sun solar system.

This is us.

This Earth-based crew

has tirelessly chronicled human feats and foibles

in central Ohio.

Oh, God! Oh...

I'll do the thank-yous,

then you step in and thank me,

and then I'll wrap it up with some crap

about how this belongs to everyone. Okay.

And the Probie Award goes to...

Team X!

Team X?

A-Are we Team X?

No, of course not. We're the Cougars!

Oh, damn!

Team X is on location and unable to attend.

Oh, turn it off.

Accepting on behalf of Team X

is Sachie Little-- brrraahh! Ah-choo!

Oh. Oh! Did we win?

No.

Oh, man! Great!

So much for the mission

bein' renewed next fall.

Look, we've got bigger problems than that.

There are other aliens in central Ohio.

Harry, Sally, find this Team X.

I want to know who they are,

what they're doing, and--and...

and who their publicist is.

That sounds way too hard. That sounds like a lot of work.

Hey! I think you're forgetting

one thing.

Cougar pride.

Cougar pride. Cougar pride.

[all growling]

♪♪ [show theme]

I must put these pantyhose

back exactly where I found them,

or Mary will get suspicious.

Missing a leg. Could be worse.

Oh.

What's this?

Oh...dear Mary.

She saved all the love letters

I sent her.

Wait a minute. I never sent her

any love letters.

"Love, Scoochie."

"Love, Scoochie"!

"Much...love, Scoochie."

It's getting worse!

Who is this cursed Scoochie?!

And what is this wonderful, manly scent?

Oh, man! This alien hunting's hard work.

Mmm. I know. By now I thought we'd have

one gutted, skinned, and mounted on a wall.

Harry, we're not gonna kill them.

What? You can't mount a live alien on the wall because they--

Harry...look. Just keep your eyes peeled

for someone who looks a little off. All right?

Now, let's get us some of that prize-winnin' fudge.

We also need two boxes

of 5-inch nails...

for the barn-raising

tomorrow.

Okay, they look strange.

Yeah.

And they can levitate barns.

All right. You stay here.

I'm gonna go feel it out. All right?

Hello. Excuse me. Um,

I couldn't help but notice

that you guys look really weird.

We are Amish.

They're Amish!

Yeah. They're from the planet Am!

Bingo!

All in a day's work!

Team X! Yeah! Yeah!

So then we followed the Team X aliens

in their horse and buggy.

Most boring car chase in history.

Yeah.

I had to make

all the tire screeching noises myself.

[lackluster] Good work, team. Stay on it.

What'll you be doing?

Moping.

Oh, big surprise. That's unusual.

Apparently, another man has been sending love letters to Mary--

a man named Scoochie.

I'm devastated.

Oh, God, Dick,

please do not freak out.

I mean, there's no way some dumb letters

could affect your relationship with Albright.

Yeah. Just look at ya.

You are a huge catch.

Huge!

[mouths "Huge"]

Thank you, Harry.

Maybe I am overreacting.

I--I mean...just listen to this...

overripe sap.

"There is a flower inside me

"that blooms in your faintest shadow.

"There is a heart...

"that beats to life in the rocks...

"as you walk above.

"The trees, the grass...

"the chirping cicadas...

"call out joyously, 'Come to me.'"

"'Come to me.'"

[sobbing loudly]

I've never been so moved!

Listen, Dick.

Oh, my God.

I've never even met this guy,

but I would marry him in a New York minute.

Oh, I know! Even I'm smitten!

Oh...oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

Read us another one, Dick. [Sally] Yeah.

Gather round. I'll read them all.

Yes?

Oh, hey. Uh, we're Sally and Harry.

The Cougars.

And we just wanted to congratulate you

on takin' home all that hardware the other night.

Yes, I'm pleased to finally have

a galvanized milking machine.

I thought it was called the Probie,

but whatever.

Look, you're winners, we're losers.

You guys clearly have the superior mission.

Yeah. We're here to learn your ways.

Yeah. Who is it, Father?

Outsiders, Prudence.

Well, hello there.

Thou.

Others have come to us and asked

to be shown our ways, but they lacked the will.

Hey, we got great stamina.

Father, it is harvest time.

I suppose in years past we have taken on extra hands.

"Extra hands"?

Okay, that we gotta see.

Yeah.

Oh. Good morning, Dr. Solomon.

Fat lot you know.

Or should I say...

fat lot you know Scoochie?

Mind your own business.

What are you doing?

One day there's going to be

something called a competency hearing,

and I want to be prepared.

Well...well, do I...

Do I have to study for it?

Morning, Dick.

Mary, yesterday I went through your things,

and I found the Scoochie letters.

Someone has some explaining to do!

You went through my things?

That part doesn't need explaining.

How dare you keep love letters from another man?!

That part.

Frankly, Dick...

I'm relieved.

Who is Scoochie?!

I don't know!

You don't know!

I swear I've never met him!

I started getting these letters

a couple of years ago. He's probably

an old student with a crush.

No student from our college could write that well!

I know.

I thought about throwing them out,

but nobody's ever said such beautiful things about me.

Oh, Mary, it's easy for some stranger to say nice things.

They don't know you like I do.

[flatly] Thanks.

I felt guilty about hiding them from you,

but...they're kind of exciting.

Where is your head, woman? You know nothing about this Scoochie!

Only that he is an extremely sensitive,

incredibly romantic man who makes me feel special!

"Feel special." That is so ridic--

No idea who he is?

None.

No idea whatsoever?

None whatsoever.

Mary. Huh?

I am Scoochie.

You know, Annabet, I love these outfits.

But as a practical matter,

how do you tell who has the biggest boobs?

Sally, we are not concerned with such things.

Huh!

I guess I know what you got.

Ohh...boy. Howdy. Am I tired!

But it's a good tired...

'cause with work like this,

it makes you feel like you've really accomplished somethin'.

Brother Harry, you sound like you plowed

the entire south field.

No, but he finally got both boots on.

Yeah. I tell you, I was racin' the sun.

I hope you're hungry, Harry.

We set a mighty table.

Mmm. I know.

I saw one of your forks out there in the barn.

Supper is ready.

Let us gather.

All right!

Harry, Sally...

now that you've seen something of our way, what do you think?

Well... honestly...

uh, you know, you guys could do a better job

blending in. I mean, right now,

you're sort of screamin', "We're different!"

We believe it's best not to fit in.

Huh?

We remain apart from society

so we don't lose ourselves

and forget why we were placed on Earth.

Oh, my God, Harry.

That's what happened to us.

We blended in too much!

Yeah...like creamy frappuccinos.

What's a frappuccino?

Oh, I'll show you.

Annabet, two frappuccinos.

Oh, no. Make that three, babe.

Three frappuccinos.

Come on! What am I speakin', Chinese?

Let's move. You want some...

Well, Mary... what do you say

we slip back into the tub

and...get dirty? [chuckles]

I haven't had this many showers

since I caught lice in the Peace Corps.

Just glad they left some of you for me to nibble.

Ohh...oh, Dick,

these letters have injected

so much heat into our relationship.

Scoochie's good.

[chuckles]

Ooh! By the way...

I got Scoochie's latest letter.

Ohh. Any favorite parts that I should know about?

Well, some of it's kind of racy.

You're welcome. [chuckles]

Anyway, I'll go get the shower caps.

Okay.

Ooh. You know what I found

particularly intriguing?

Of course I do.

It was the suggestion

of finally meeting Scoochie

at a special rendezvous.

[chuckles] I thought you would like that.

[chuckles] A rendezvous?!

Uh, uh, I--I-- I wouldn't take that too seriously, Mary.

He was probably joking. Scoochie loves to laugh.

No, no. I was surprised.

And titillated.

So I RSVP'd with a sexy little note

to Scoochie's P.O. box just like he asked.

Why the hell did you do that?!

Uh, I--I--I mean...

that's 34 cents that we could've spent

on...good times.

Hello there, brother.

Let me see...

"TV Guide,

"Hydrox Cookies,

that new Nsync CD."

Hey. It's one of them.

You wanna go mess with him? Yeah.

Yeah, but they aren't supposed to fight back.

Mmm. "George Foreman Grilling Machine,

and a--" Hey, Amish boy,

you want some ice cream?

Oh. That would be nice.

Whoops.

[both laugh]

I get it. It's one of them

open the hanger, here comes the plane type deals.

Let--Let's try it again.

Yeah.

Oh...oh... [laughs]

Maybe I'm movin' around too much.

Whatcha gonna do about it, Amish boy?

Well, I'll stand really still, all right?

I think we almost had it that time.

Oh, oh, ohhh!

It's funny how the simplest things

can be so difficult.

Harry... are you comin'?

Oh. Hello.

Look at the big Amish girl. [laughs]

Oh, she looks scared.

Why don't you go quilt yourself a hanky...

and cry?

[both laugh]

[laughs]

Well...well, first of all,

you wouldn't quilt a hanky.

You'd quilt a pot holder.

And second...

Ooh! Ooh!

Ohhh... Ohhh...

We've only been Amish for a little while.

Hey, I got an idea.

You stand still, and I'll come to the cone.

Ohh! Harry!

Good morning, Dick. Oh, hello there.

[chuckles] What's this?

Ooh, a letter from Scoochie.

On my letterhead.

Scoochie's thrifty.

[chuckles]

"Dear Mary...

"How are you?

I am fine."

"I'm canceling our bad night of activity

"we had planned.

"Instead, you and I

will be eating hot dogs and wieners in your backyard."

"From...your friend...

Scoochie."

This is not one of his best.

The point is,

the rendezvous has been relocated.

I guess so.

Good. That's that, then.

Mary Albright? Hmm?

I have a special delivery

from a Mr., uh... Scoochie.

Uh-oh.

Thank you.

[laughs]

"Dearest Mary...

"Your voice is a perfume

"that fills my lungs.

The very wind is jealous."

Now, that's more Scoochie's style.

"Kindly ignore my last letter."

What?!

"And instead, meet me tonight

as planned at the Medieval Festival."

Oh, let me see that!

Damn! What?

[stammering] I--I misspelled "Medieval."

[whistling]

Hey there, Sally.

Hey!

Yeah. Doin' some laundry?

No. Harry, this is a butter churn.

Mmm. No wonder my whites came out yellow.

[chuckles] You know,

I have learned so much from Team X.

Patience.

Discipline.

The only thing I really miss are zippers.

You know, I never did get the hang of those.

I know.

Listen. Harry.

I've been thinkin'.

Maybe we could transfer

to this outfit for good.

Join Team X?

Join a winner!

Okay!

[chuckles] Ha ha!

[both laugh]

Oh, but...what about Dick?

Forget Dick. He's an outsider now.

Yeah. Maybe he could come by from time to time and we can shun him.

Ahhh...

Ahh.

Brother Harry, Sister Sally.

Jedediah, we have great news.

Harry and I have decided

to join your team permanently.

It's funny you should say that.

Because we want you to leave our community.

Leave? But... we're making such a difference!

That's the problem.

You organized buggy races for gambling purposes.

And you made 1-900 calls

from our community phone. Shame.

And worst of all, you've corrupted

our daughter Prudence.

That is an absolute lie!

We found this quilt in her room!

Okay, maybe a little bit of corruption, but...

All right, look. We're sorry. Okay?

We tried to live up to your purity, but...

I guess we should go.

By the way, Annabet,

you hit the Trifecta.

Pumpkin...

I know you're gonna miss me.

But some night... when you're feelin' lonely...

just look up there.

At a star?

No, at a satellite, 'cause wherever I am,

I'm gonna be watchi'' satellite TV.

Get out!

Okay.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Hello!

Are you who I think you are,

Scoochie? Oh. Yeah.

I thought you wanted to meet me by the moat.

I did? It's a stupid idea. Let's get outta here, Mary.

No! Scoochie, we can't leave.

All right, I'll stay for the wet bodice contest, but that's it!

No!

The Black Knight is about to select

an opponent for a duel.

♪♪ [fanfare]

Ohh... Ohhh... Ohh...

Wow!

Who among you is brave enough

to face the Black Knight?

You, sir.

Oh...no. No, no. No, no, no, no.

Ohhh...valiant Sir Scoochie...

defend your lady.

Uh, no! Mary!

You know, if you fight with the performers,

you have to tip them.

Now, just... knock that off!

Or I'll take that cardboard sword of yours--

That's good cardboard.

Valiant Sir Scoochie...

defend your lady! Oh.

Oh, yes.

Uh...uh, yes. Of course.

Well, let's go to it, then.

I will dispense with you presently!

[crowd clamors]

I'm only fighting with you to impress my girlfriend,

so if you could pretend to fall at her feet, that would be huge.

That scent. I know that scent!

The letters!

Scoochie?

I should warn you that I've killed...

with everything from a steak knife

to a penny dropped from a skyscraper.

So don't be too brave

for your own good!

[crowd shouts and chatters]

[cheering and applause]

You are so brave!

Oh, yes. I know.

Oh!

Get back in there!

Whoo!

Unhh!

Aaahh!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

No! Scoochie!

Reveal yourself!

I can't take it anymore!

Dick?

Did you just call him Scoochie?

Dick, it's been a long time.

Liam! Uh--uh--uh, how are you?

Oh, splendid. I, uh, recently won a Probie.

Uh...

Scoochie is from Team X?

Look, I'd love to chat,

but there's the small matter of your beheading.

Uh, sire?

No! Thumbs up means that I live.

Well, not where I come from.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA