Original subtitles

[Sally, typing] It's not easy being single in New York City,

especially when you're an alien visiting from a parallel universe.

Uh-oh, that's a little too much information.

But there's nothing a little success

or a lot of sex can't fix.

Take Dick, for example.

Finding his job shallow and unrewarding,

he was ready to load the pockets

of his custom-tailored suit with rocks

and jump in the East River.

Oh, my God. Look at those shoes.

Then he walked into a dive on 48th

where people ordered drinks on the rocks.

There he found his true love,

and that rocks.

I'm a lawyer.

While on the other side of town,

Tommy was a big success on Saturday Night Live.

His head was as big as the Statue of Liberty's,

only there weren't any tourists inside his face,

And Harry, either through sheer determination

or sheer stupidity, was climbing to the top of his game

as a network executive.

Why don't we make one night Will, one night Grace?

As for me, I've heard it said

that you can't fight City Hall.

I don't know if that's true or not,

I just needed a segue into 'I'm sleeping with the Mayor.'

♪ Romance is mush ♪

♪ Stifling those who strive ♪

♪ I live a lush life ♪

♪ In some small dive ♪

♪ And there I'll be ♪

♪ While I rot with the rest ♪

♪ Of those whose lives ♪

♪ are lonely ♪

♪ Too ♪

Oh, Mary, that was beautiful.

Much more upbeat than usual.

Sweetie, I am hurrying.

These boots are super-high,

plus they're really tight, you know.

Just put it down, would ya?

Don, I hope you realize that this place

is a total waste of my outfit.

Well, as long as I can see it, what else matters?

You are such a doll. Let's go someplace else.

You know I can't.

Of course, I do.

Um, Tommy?

Hey, Darrell, what's up?

Um, nothing.

I just saw Ana out in the hallway.

She's crying her eyes out. What happened?

Yeah, I broke up with her.

Oh...sorry. I--

Well, I was chomping at the bit, you know what I mean?

Sure. Sure.

Don't mean anything by it.

You know, Tommy, it's really funny

how quickly you guys hit it off.

I've been trying to get Ana to go out with me for years,

and she just never would--

And she never will, man.

Because she doesn't know who the real Darrell Hammond is.

What does that mean?

You hide behind your impressions, man.

With all your wigs, your funny voices.

She sees the mask and she doesn't see the man.

Whoa.

Let me ask you a question. What are you doin' on update this week?

I was gonna do Sean Connery

talking about how it feels to be a senior citizen.

Yeah, well, why don't you do Darrell Hammond

talking about what it feels like to be...

to be Darrell Hammond?

I've been blind. Tommy, I've been blind.

Thanks, buddy.

Hey.

Thank you.

No problem, guy.

You know, I don't think it's such a good idea

for you to be spending so much time

in a seedy bar like this, Mary.

Maybe, instead, you should be singing in a Broadway show.

What a great idea.

But I'm way ahead of you, handsome.

It won't be long before I'll be joining the cast of Cats.

I've got bad news for you. Mary, Cats is closed.

Damn, that was fast!

Look. Here. I've got something that'll cheer you up.

Ooh.

Saks.

Oh, you shouldn't have done this.

Please, accept it.

I never said anything about not accepting it.

It's beautiful.

The saleslady called it a cocktail dress.

I thought you'd get a lot of use out of it.

Okay. So, I know you're not supposed to go anyplace else,

but, bear with me here, what if we did?

What do you think would happen?

Well, you know what would happen.

Oh, I know.

But tell me anyway.

Well, you-know-who would have my ass in a sling.

[chuckles] Oh, yeah. I know.

Who?

The wife.

Of course. Your wife.

You're married?

Simmer down.

Oh, my God. You're married!

This is so not good!

What's going on?

You've been okay with this arrangement for years.

I have?

I can't believe I'd do that. I am out of here.

Come on. Baby, baby, baby.

You know you're the one.

I'm gonna divorce her.

I just need a little time.

Okay.

Sally.

Dick.

Don. Albright.

Kiki. Donnie.

Mary!

[Darrell] Um, you know, New York is the only city...

Isn't that the guy who normally does the impressions?

Darrell. Darrell Hammond.

Yeah. Why isn't he funny?

Some sort of experiment.

He wanted to impress Ana Gasteyer,

so he was gonna try being himself.

Ah. Well, that's a big mistake, man.

Man! That felt so great!

Tommy, they were really listening to me, weren't they?

They were, man.

They were listenin' for some jokes,

and they weren't quite hearing 'em.

You know what? I've been known to do an impersonation myself.

Yeah. Here's you.

"Boo-hoo-hoo. I'm Darrell Hammond.

"I don't got a job no more.

"Boo-hoo-hoo. How am I gonna feed my child?

Boo-hoo-hoo."

Hi, Tommy. Hi, Mr. Solomon.

Did you see Darrell?

Um, yeah. Yeah, some of it.

Ana, that part about me breaking my foot on my sixth birthday,

that really happened, man.

Fact is so much stranger than fiction.

Stranger, but it's not funnier.

Hey, guys, check this out.

[as Sean Connery] Could somebody please tell me

where I can find Miss Pussy Galore?

I didn't know you did Sean Connery.

That's good. You oughta do that on the show.

Can I open my eyes now?

No. Just a...

just a few more steps.

Oh, Dick, I've had my eyes closed ever since the oyster bar.

What was that crunchy thing you made me eat?

I don't know. I had my eyes closed, too.

Okay, you can look now.

The Manhattan skyline.

Hmm. Got anything to drink?

Champagne.

I opened it this morning so those annoying little bubbles

would have a chance to disperse.

Good thinking.

Cheers.

Would you care for an hors d'oeuvre?

Duck eggs? Salmon eggs?

Quail eggs? Eggs? Anything you want.

The sky's the limit.

Dick, if you're intent on spending money on me,

I can think of other ways of doing it.

Well, like how?

Like giving me money.

I'm sorry, was that too blunt?

Yes, but money's not important.

What's important is that we love each other.

What we have is true love.

I can't do it.

I can't take advantage of another deluded guy.

No, you're wrong, Mary.

You're the one who's deluded.

Because whether you know it or not,

we were meant to be together.

Oh, God.

I love you, Mary.

Oh, stop talking about love. True love doesn't exist.

True love is real.

And powerful and wonderful!

Oh, don't you think I'd like to believe in love?

Life would be a lot simpler if I could.

Then pretend.

How?

It's easy.

♪♪ [romantic jazz plays]

What's that smell?

[sniffs]

Is that platinum?

Oh.

Oh, Donnie. Thank you, baby.

What are you doing here?

Isn't there some sort of riot in the Bronx?

Yeah. Good thing we don't live up there.

Sally, what would you say if I told you

that when my wife asked me

why I was gonna be late again tonight,

I didn't lie?

Oh, my God. You told her you wanted a divorce?

No, I told her to shut up.

Uh, okay.

You know, I'm starting to feel real bad.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Well, hang in there.

I'll tell my wife as soon as I'm out of office.

I can't wait till you step down as mayor.

Not mayor. President.

I'm going for the big one.

And I want you right there beside me.

Behind the scenes.

Out of sight.

That is not good enough for me, Don.

I mean, I wanna be involved in your life

and share tender moments.

I want to be your Secretary of Defense.

Let's slow down and reconsider this in the shower.

You know what? Forget it.

Sally--

No, no, no. Seriously, it's over.

Get out!

One last thing.

Can I still count on your vote?

Of course. We still agree on the issues.

[knocking on the door]

Just a minute.

Come in.

Hey, look at that putt I just made.

Lovely. Very nice. Yeah.

Mr. Solomon, your nephew is here to see you.

Tommy! Good to see you!

Good to see you, too, man.

It's funny. We work in the same building,

I've never been up to your office.

It's very nice.

Yeah, well, lots of room to putt in.

Oh, hey, can I sit in your chair?

Oh, please.

I think you'll find it still warm.

[sighs]

"Hey, look at me. I'm Harry Solomon,

big president of the network."

"Look at me, I'm Tommy Solomon,

and I'm a big star on Saturday Night Live."

"I make important decisions

like where to putt in my office."

"I get paid the big bucks

just for going whoo-whoo-whoo."

"Well, I've got some news for you, Tommy Solomon.

"Your ego's gotten too big.

You're demanding too much money. You're fired!"

"I am out of control, and I do want too much money.

You're fired!"

"You can't fire me, you peon.

You're a lowly cast member on SNL."

No, I'm Harry now.

You're fired!

What?

Yeah, I mean it. You're really fired. What for?

Well, for the same reasons that you just fired me.

Your ego's too huge and you want too much money.

Well, I'm not taking it anymore. You're off the show.

I am that show.

Wait a second. Who are you now?

I'm me.

Well, then get away from my desk!

You're confusing me.

You listen to me.

Lorne Michaels is my boss.

He can fire me. You can't fire me.

Well, I'll fire his sad Canadian ass, too.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Well, this is different.

Well, what do you mean? Being here with me?

No, I mean I can actually remember

everything I did last night.

So do I. I feel wonderful.

In fact, there's something important I have to ask you.

Hmm?

Will you...

Will you move in with me?

Move into this beautiful loft?

Yes. We can have movers bring over all your things,

or we could just burn them.

Okay. What the hell?

Oh, yes!

See, Mary? You see? How does it feel now?

What?

To know that you're in love with me?

Oh, look, I liked the Gershwin,

and the eager-to-please lovemaking.

Oh, we were so passionate.

You called out my name three times.

"Larry! Larry! Larry!"

Okay, maybe it's not my name, but the passion.

I was pretending.

You told me to pretend, so I pretended.

No, but it'll turn real. I know it will.

Sorry, Dick. That will never happen.

Love. Ha!

Mary Albright can't feel love anymore.

You're so damaged!

This life has been so hard on you.

Isn't there anything I can do

to make you see that we would be perfect together?

No, Dick.

Maybe it would've worked in some other time or some other place.

Wait.

What did you just say?

No, Dick.

Maybe it would've worked in some other time...

[both] or some other place.

I can do that.

Here, quick. Mary, take this.

Come on. Come on with me.

You're just like all the rest, tossing me out.

You didn't even let me get dressed.

No, no, I still want you to live here, Mary.

Go back to your place and get your things right now.

Here, here's some extra cash.

You can get dressed in the cab.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Absolutely. This is your home now.

I hope it'll make you happy.

Good-bye, Kiki.

Bye.

Sally!

Sally, wake up!

Ugh!

What?

We're leaving.

I'm going home to Mary.

Wait a minute. But she's here.

No. This Mary is cold and soulless,

and only willing to do one or two more things in bed

than the other one.

The tradeoff just isn't worth it.

All right, look.

Maybe you are willing to give up all this nice stuff,

but I sure am not.

I mean, whoever said that diamonds are a girl's best friend

never saw those black pearls at Tiffany's.

Hey, that sounded great. Where's my laptop?

No. Forget the laptop.

I would think that given what's happened,

you'd be dying to see Don again.

I don't know.

I mean, after Mayor Don, I just feel like

I've seen a side of him I really can't trust.

But that's not the Don you love.

The one who went to community college,

and went to night school to become a cop.

And went to another night school

after that one didn't work out.

The Don who wouldn't hurt a fly.

The Don who loves you.

I wish that Don was here in this apartment.

No kidding.

I'd almost be willing to shack up here with New York Mary

if she wasn't such a big ball of emotional scar tissue.

Wow. We are gonna sacrifice money for love.

We are so noble!

I know!

How many shoes do you think

I can get through that portal, huh?

Well, I'm off to work. Is my car here yet?

Harry, we're going back to Rutherford.

Well, have a nice trip.

I think I left the iron on, so you might wanna check.

No, Harry. Um, you're coming with us.

I don't think you understand.

I have got a network to run!

Look, we're not leaving you here alone.

I'm not alone. Tommy's here.

No, he went through the portal after you fired him.

Harry, you can't be a network president alone in Manhattan

without adult supervision.

Stop it! You're treating me the way you always treat me.

Well, we're in New York now, and I'm respected here.

You get his arms, I'll get his legs.

What? No!

Dubcek, I've got a situation here.

Send security to the loft.

Huh? What?

Well, that's a shocker.

Mm-hmm. I see.

Yeah. Well, good luck.

I don't believe it!

What?

I've been replaced by Dubcek.

I'm so sorry, Harry.

They said that she was really in touch

with what men between 18 and 49 really want.

I see.

Last one in the shower's a dirty dog!

Whoo!

Oh, shoes!

Ah, that was great.

Oh, home at last!

Ah, the damn shoes don't transfer!

Good old Rutherford. What an inspiring view.

Yeah, the tail lights on the cars

and the flame burning over at the refinery.

You can even see the fast food signs

out at the interstate off ramp.

It's simply breathtaking.

I find it dumpy and depressing.

Yeah, well, not the pancake house.

Albright, you wanna see depressing,

you should see all the garbage they have stacked up

along Central Park West.

Were you in New York recently?

No. No.

Sally was, uh, just looking at a travel brochure.

Was I a man who dreamed he was a network executive,

or a network executive who dreamed he was a man?

Human beings--

That is, we human beings are so strange.

We blindly go about our daily activities,

unaware that if we only made a few slightly different choices,

we'd turn out to be completely different people.

Yeah.

Different, lying, cheating, weasely, horrible people!

Did I do something?

Oh, no, babe. You're perfect just the way you are.

So are you, Mary.

Well, I'm gonna go watch TV.

My shows are on.

Closed-Captioned by JR Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA