Original subtitles

"You almost won a million dollars.

Please try again."

What does it say, Tommy? I can't look.

Who cares?

Aw, man. Are you still moping about Alissa?

What am I supposed to do? She won't even talk to me.

Everything was going really great right up until graduation.

I don't even know what I did wrong.

You gave a commencement speech that was mostly about

making out with her on her parent's bed.

No one ever remembers those speeches.

If it makes you feel any better,

I don't think you'll ever do any better than Alissa.

Ohh!

If I could just talk to her face to face,

we could work it out. I know it.

You just need an excuse to go over there.

I know. Um...

Think of something sentimental that you gave her

and then just ask for it back. Yeah.

That'll stir up her emotions and get you in the door.

That is good. Thank you, Sally.

A beer tap?

Yeah, remember? We rented it for our senior party

and we forgot to return it.

I'm out 40 bucks deposit.

I never want to see you again.

20 bucks of it is yours.

Oh.

See? There's a spark here.

Alissa, honey, who is it?

It's Tommy Solomon, Daddy.

All right. Come in.

Uh, the tap's up in my room. I'll go get it.

Hello, Thomas.

Hello, Strudwick.

I thought Alissa had given you your walking papers.

I'm sorry. My what?

Dumped you. Gave you the boot. The old heave ho.

Oh, yes. Yes, she did.

But she's a big girl. She can change her mind.

She can make her own decisions.

And who's to say that she won't make those decisions with me...

in your Jacuzzi?

You shut your mouth.

Okay! All right. Bye-bye, Daddy.

Where are you two going?

What's in that suitcase?

Those must be my walking papers.

Dick? Dick?

Is Alissa here?

No, she's not, Strudwick.

Why don't you join her and not be here together?

Well, she disappeared three hours ago

with your ragamuffin son.

Ragamuffin?

Sally, throw him out.

Harry, bring me a dictionary.

All I know is there was a lot of whispering.

And when they left, Alissa was carrying a suitcase.

Harry, did Tommy say anything to you?

Only that he loved Alissa, needed Alissa,

and would do anything to get Alissa back.

Yet over ice cream cones,

he spoke highly of a girl named...Alisha.

You know, Dick, when Tommy left,

he did say he had a plan

that would bring him and Alissa back together.

Oh. Young impassioned lovers sneaking out of the house

on a secret mission with a suitcase?

I'm stumped.

Sounds to me like they've eloped.

See, I knew. That's what I--

This is a catastrophe!

Now, now, Strudwick.

As fathers, we must bless our children's choices

and let them follow their hearts.

Dick! Does this mean that you and beardy-face guy

are gonna be related?

No, not at all, Harry. I--

Oh, my God. We've got to stop them!

♪♪ [theme]

Seat belt on.

Lumbar support in.

Vanity mirror...

Where the hell is it?

We're in a fantastic hurry.

We have to wait for Mary. It's vital.

[Mary] Dick!

Over here, Mary! Hurry up!

Oh! I got your message.

What's so important about a Charlie Daniels CD?

Chase music, Mary.

What chase? What's going on?

There's no time to explain. We're in a fantastic hurry.

Tommy and Alissa have eloped somewhere.

Oh, no! Yes!

They might be at that little chapel by the state line.

Great idea. Get in. Chop chop.

Dick, could you move your seat up just a little bit?

I finally got it how I like it.

Go in through Strudwick's side.

Hey. Hi, Tommy. Hi, Tom.

Tommy, did you elope with Alissa? No.

Mm. Goes to show ya. I knew it.

But we returned that tap together.

I convinced her to watch a video with me tonight.

Yes!

I just came home to change shirts. Cool.

See, I figured out what was wrong with our relationship.

She wants a man.

She sees me as an immature doofus, you know.

But...

I ask you this:

Would an immature doofus rent this?

If I Were You, I'd Get Out Of That House In A Hurry III.

What gives?

What do you mean? We watch that, she gets really scared,

wants a big, strong man to protect her.

Yeah! Ah!

It's all gonna go fine. I know it is.

Or else I'll just move to plan B.

What's plan B?

Flowers.

But sometimes even they don't cheer me up.

Poor Tommy. He's desperate.

If Alissa isn't scared into his arms tonight,

he'll spend the rest of his life heartbroken.

But you know, I'm a little worried about this plan.

I mean, what if the scary movie isn't scary enough?

Yeah. The problem with scary movies is

you know they're not real.

It's a flawed genre.

What if we go over there

and make it real?

They'll be naked by 9:30. That's right.

Here we are, Strudwick. Pull over.

All right, Mary. You can do your business here.

I would have preferred a rest stop, Dick.

And I want to live on Big Rock Candy Mountain, Mary.

Remember...

I know. "Fantastic hurry."

I don't blame Alissa.

How could she resist marrying into the Solomons?

But Tommy with your daughter?

Is this some kind of science experiment that got out of hand?

I always knew that boy of yours would walk off

with something from my house.

I figured it'd be something from my curio cabinet.

If Tommy really wanted to hurt me,

he could have just jumped off a bridge.

At least that wouldn't have hurt me.

What's gotten into them?

Alissa's mother and I didn't get married until we--

until we had Alissa.

My God, Dick! I think she's--

Pregnant? Yes!

Gun it, Vincent!

[tires screech]

Dick? Is there an extra map in the glove compartment?

Dick?

Dick!

[movie music playing on TV]

Okay, they're on the couch,

but they're not sitting very close.

Get over here.

Harry, listen and learn.

First, I got a chain to drag against the wall.

Then I got a rubber axe.

Then I got tomato juice, which doubles for blood,

and I got low sodium tomato juice which doubles for blood

but is better for you.

This isn't scary.

We gotta be subtle.

Subtle? Yeah!

Did you ever see Jaws?

Okay. The scary part was not the shark.

It was the hint of the shark.

The fin. Oh!

Slicin' through the water.

What, so you got something planned?

Yes, I do.

Harry, that's adorable, but you know, as a warrior,

I think I know how to scare.

Well, as someone who's always scared,

I think you're wrong.

Oh, really?

[screaming from TV]

This movie's pretty scary.

Yeah, yeah.

But notice that all of the people

that haven't been killed yet

are in committed relationships

with all their ups and downs.

[thud]

[thud]

Not so tight.

Being in-laws was bad enough.

But my blood intermingling with yours

in the veins of this spawn?

It's unholy.

Go faster, Dick.

I only want to jump out of this car once.

Oh, no. No sweet embrace of death for you, Vincent.

Like it or not, we're gonna be grandparents together.

Well, if that's the case, I wanna be called "Pop-pop".

I wanted "Pop-pop."

You snooze, you lose, Dick. "Pop-pop." That's me.

That's not fair.

Take "Gramps" or "Gee-Gaw."

"Gee-Gaw?" [stammering]

You just made that up!

Mary, have you ever heard of "Gee--"

Mary?

Was she with us when we got that pecan roll?

No, I don't think so.

Good God, Dick! We left her at Mile Marker 20!

[groans] She should have said something.

She's unstable.

Has been ever since she took up with you.

You Solomons. You specialize in destroying women.

It's the talk of the town. "It's the talk of the town."

I hate your voice, I hate your face,

I hate your glasses, I hate the men who made your glasses,

I hate-- Look out for that deer!

Look out for what, honey?

[thud]

There were two treasures in my life, Dick.

The first was my daughter.

The second was my economy sedan.

You've taken them both.

You're no saint, Strudwick.

You're the one who made us wear these stupid t-shirts.

Our old shirts were covered in deer blood and broken glass.

Oh...

Call the fashion police.

You know, it's funny.

I used to bring these creamers home to Alissa.

She'd have little tea parties with her stuffed animals.

They grow up quick, don't they?

Yeah.

I can remember when Tommy

didn't even know how to wipe his own butt.

Then he figured it out all on his own...

and taught me.

You're right, Strudwick.

They do grow up too fast.

This one's on you. Dick--

No, no, no. I insist.

Dick, I don't have any cash.

I paid for the motel.

There's only $20 in Mary's purse,

and you made me spend that on the t-shirts.

There's only one thing to do, Dick.

Dine and dash. Timing is everything.

Wait for my signal.

They're onto us. Relax.

Anything else? Now!

[sighs]

We did it your way.

And you know who got terrified? Me.

Tommy and Alissa are farther apart than ever.

What could I say? I was hoping you'd bleed more.

Now we're gonna try it my way.

Birdseed? That's not scary.

Plus, you'll attract every bird in the neighborhood.

Exactly. We'll feed 'em a lot at first.

But then bit by bit, we'll pull back.

First we'll get 'em hooked,

and then we'll get 'em pissed.

Yeah, and then slowly we'll start to replace the seed with human flesh.

That is not bad.

All right. How soon do you think they'll come?

Maybe tonight.

Maybe six months.

Maybe never.

But they'll come.

As God as my witness, they'll come.

Yeah, that's a great idea. You know what?

While we're waiting for your birds,

I hope you don't mind if I get a jump on my next scare tactic.

Go right ahead.

Why are you putting that on me?

Well, I don't want to light my head on fire.

Alissa?

Does your streetlight sometimes look

like a flaming, disembodied head?

Oh, Tommy. I've missed your sense of humor.

You know, I went out with some other boys after we broke up,

but don't be mad.

It could be swamp gas. Are we near a swamp?

But nobody was like you.

I've decided to forgive you.

[knock on door]

I'm a guest. You should get that.

Officer Don.

Hello, Alissa. Tommy.

I'm here on official business.

Alissa...

we found your father's car on the interstate,

crashed and covered with blood.

Oh, my God!

Do you mind? I'm not done yet.

In addition, we found a dead deer not far from the car.

This is horrible. So my dad hit a deer?

Slow down, Nancy Drew.

That's one explanation.

Another is a tri-county murder spree with your dad at the center.

What does that have to do with a dead deer?

Even a deer can be a witness.

Maybe it saw something and paid the price.

[police radio chatter, indistinct]

Orville. Go.

[radio chatter, indistinct]

10-4. Your father was spotted checking into a motel

with a psycho wearing a tight t-shirt and carrying a purse.

So my dad's okay? He's alive?

Yes. But my cop nose tells me that there's an ugliness

spreading throughout this town.

No one is safe.

See ya.

Oh, Tommy. I'm so scared.

Yeah, you should be.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Solomon! Strudwick! [truck approaching]

I'm gonna kill you! [truck honks horn]

I think that's the person that's gonna kill us.

Dick, my toothbrush is wet.

Did you brush your teeth with it?

No, I did not...brush my teeth...with your toothbrush.

Well, let's try and get some sleep.

I never want to think about this day again.

Which part don't you want to think about most?

Our abandonment of Mary?

Our collision with that deer?

Or your coming epiphany that I'm a nocturnal spooner?

'Cause it's all too much for me.

I can't take it any more.

Dick, stop thinking about yourself.

Try thinking about our kids.

They've got no education,

no jobs, no homes to live in.

You're right. They have nothing.

They're screwed.

Our only choice is to write them off.

It's not that simple. There's going to be a baby.

A baby.

So pure.

So small.

So not-so-screwed-up yet.

It's a lot of work. It takes a village, you know.

Yeah, but don't you see?

We have a shot with a grandkid.

It's the next generation.

Nature's do-over.

I don't know.

Just picture it.

That first magical moment.

You're holding your perfect grandchild in your arms.

He looks into your eyes,

reaches up with his tiny fingers,

touches your grizzly red stubble...

and says, "I wuv you Pop-pop."

We can make this work.

I propose a toast. All right.

To our grandchild. To our grandchild.

May he or she inherit the best from both grandfathers.

All right, dirtbags!

You're gonna get what's coming to you!

Don't shoot!

We're gonna have a baby!

Thanks for stopping.

[Man] You got enough room back there?

Yeah, whatever.

At least your night is over.

Still not naked.

Nothing's working.

Hey, what if I do an eerie dance of death?

No, it's too artsy.

I still say we stick with the classics, okay?

We have three options left.

We can re-animate a dead person,

pop out of Alissa's stomach,

or go in after them with a power tool.

Let's meet half way, okay?

'Cause I'm doing the dance of death.

No, it's not scary!

But... I'll do it with a power tool.

What is it?

I don't know.

[trimmer whirring]

Tommy, I'm really scared.

In these movies, the maniac's always after the girl.

It's true.

He is always after the girl.

Here's the girl!

Let's work together!

Harry! You were terrific!

We did it! They're hugging!

Actually, he's being a little rough.

But I guess that's Tommy's style.

So you swear to me you never saw that deer before?

No.

I'm keeping the case open.

There's our honeymooners.

Can't keep their hands off each other.

Thank God you're here!

Tommy, I know I've shown you nothing but contempt,

but I love you. Welcome to the family.

[Tommy] There's something out there!

I want to feel the baby kick. The what?

She's not pregnant!

But there's something evil outside!

Not pregnant? No!

Vincent, are you as devastated as I am?

Frankly, Dick, I'm kind of relieved.

I'm telling you we're not safe!

Are you abandoning me? We were in this together.

We were in bed. I was vulnerable.

Screw you, Pop-pop! In your eye, Gee-gaw!

Will you people shut up? We're in horrible danger!

What's all the commotion, everybody?

Anybody need any help? Did you guys see?

There's something out there. It's terrifying.

Which part of the terror did you find most romantic?

Romantic? He tried to sacrifice me to the creature.

She called us "The Creature."

Our work is done.

Look, it's been a long night of dashed dreams and close calls.

The important thing is that we're all safe and sound.

And no one has been harmed.

Why did you leave me!

[all screaming]

It's her! It's the creature!

[all screaming]

I'll be damned if Strudwick becomes a grandfather before I do.

Oh, Tommy! Look!

There's one waiting for the bus.

She's the perfect mate.

Hey, you! Bus girl!

What is the attraction about being a grandfather anyway?

Grandchildren are vessels of youth, optimism, and hope.

And the wonderful thing is

by the time they screw up their lives,

your either dead or completely out if it.

People don't say that enough.

Tommy, look! There's another prospect!

That's Dubczek.

Oh. Man, she fools you from behind.

Closed-Captioned by J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA