Original subtitles

WATER. I NEED WATER.

OH, DON, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I JUST FOILED A BANK ROBBERY, SALLY.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?

DID THEY TRIP THE ALARM

OR SOMETHING?

NO. THEY DROPPED THEIR BAG OF MONEY

OUTSIDE THE BANK,

AND JUST AS I WAS SWOOPING DOWN

TO WRITE THEM A TICKET FOR LITTERING,

I REALIZED, "HEY, THAT'S NOT TRASH.

THAT'S A BAG FULL OF MONEY."

SO IF THEY HADN'T DROPPED THAT BAG,

THEY WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT?

WELL, YES,

BUT LUCKILY FOR THOSE OF US

IN THE LAW ENFORCEMENT COMMUNITY,

PEOPLE ALWAYS MAKE MISTAKES.

REALLY?

OH, YEAH.

CRIMINALS ARE STUPID,

BUT I'M ALWAYS ONE STEP BEHIND THEM.

OH, GOD! I LEFT THE BAG OF MONEY

IN THE CAR!

ROBBING A BANK? THAT SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE.

I MEAN, YOU GOT THE SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS

AND THE SECURITY GUARDS.

ALL THOSE DIRTY MAGAZINES

AND THE PRESSURE TO PERFORM.

HARRY, THAT'S A SPERM BANK.

OH, GOD, NO.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT TO ADMIT

IT WOULD BE PRETTY THRILLING

TO PULL OFF A BANK ROBBERY.

YEAH, THE MONEY WOULD BE NICE.

TOMMY, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY.

IT'S ABOUT THE CHALLENGE.

I MEAN, WITH THE RIGHT PLAN

AND THE PROPER TRAINING,

I THINK WE COULD ROB A BANK.

YOU HEARD DON.

PEOPLE ALWAYS MAKE MISTAKES.

WE'RE NOT PEOPLE.

AHH.

O-O-OHH!

MARY ALBRIGHT?

FRANK COOPER!

HEY, BEAUTIFUL.

OHH-HO! YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.

OH, SO DO YOU.

[CLEARS THROAT]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, THE DEAN INVITED ME TO DO A LECTURE SERIES

ON MY PERUVIAN EXCAVATION.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[COUGHING]

OH. DICK, THIS IS FRANK COOPER.

FRANK, THIS IS DICK SOLOMON.

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU, DR. SOLOMON.

UH-HUH.

SO, UH, HOW DO YOU TWO

KNOW EACH OTHER?

OH, I STUDIED UNDER MARY A FEW YEARS BACK.

REALLY?

WELL, I STUDIED UNDER HER LAST NIGHT.

OK, THEN. WELL, FRANK,

IT WAS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU,

AND I DEFINITELY WILL STOP BY LATER.

CAN'T WAIT. BYE. OHH.

WELL, YOU AND FRANK

CERTAINLY SEEM TO ENJOY THE NUZZLING.

DICK, YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.

FRANK WAS ONE OF MY STUDENTS.

THAT NEVER STOPPED YOU BEFORE.

SHUT UP, NINA.

FRANK AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS.

I DON'T BUY IT.

THAT MAN IS HERE FOR ONE REASON

AND ONE REASON ONLY--

TO CONTINUE HIS EXCAVATION

OF YOUR PANTS.

OK, LOOK.

IF WE'RE GONNA PULL OFF THIS BANK ROBBERY,

WE HAVE TO TRUST EACH OTHER

AND WORK TOGETHER AS A TEAM.

WHO'S WITH ME?

WOW! TOMMY, YOUR HANDS ARE SO SOFT.

ARE YOU USING A NEW KIND OF LOTION?

ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN WEARING GLOVES

WHEN I DO THE DISHES.

MMM, NICE. ENOUGH!

OK, NOW, WHILE THE GUARDS ARE GONE,

HARRY WILL DISTRACT THE TELLER

BY BRINGING HER THE BANK'S BALLPOINT PEN

AND COMPLAINING THAT IT'S OUT OF INK.

I'LL GO IN THE DAY BEFORE AND DOODLE FOR A FEW HOURS.

THAT WAY IT'LL BE READY TO GO.

OR YOU COULD JUST PRETEND.

AH, DEVIOUS.

ALL RIGHT, TOMMY,

YOU'RE GONNA SLIP INTO THE SAFE,

GRAB THE MONEY,

AND WHEN YOU HEAR THIS SOUND--

"NOW, TOMMY!"

YOU LEAVE THE SAFE

AND WALK CALMLY OUT OF THE BANK.

MEANWHILE, I'LL BE RUNNING INTERFERENCE.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS IF THE GUARD SHOWS UP EARLY,

I FLASH HIM.

ANY FINAL QUESTIONS?

YES. CAN I BE THE GUARD?

NO.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

COME IN.

DR. SOLOMON.

FRANK, THERE'S SOMETHING WE NEED TO DISCUSS.

SURE.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW

THAT I'M INVOLVED WITH MARY ALBRIGHT,

AND THAT'S NOT GONNA CHANGE JUST BECAUSE

SOME GORGEOUS HOTTIE LIKE YOU COMES TO TOWN.

WELL, FIRST OFF, THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT.

WELL, I DO HAVE EYES, FRANK.

THANKS.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

UH, LOOK, DICK. SIT DOWN, WILL YOU?

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN MARY

OR ANYBODY LIKE HER,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

NOT REALLY.

I'M SORRY IF I'M BEING SO VAGUE,

BUT I, UM...

LOOK, NOT EVERYONE

IS AS OPEN-MINDED AS I'D LIKE.

SOME OF THE PEOPLE HERE AT PENDLETON

AREN'T READY TO ACCEPT THAT I'M...

I'M... WELL, YOU KNOW.

FROM A DIFFERENT WORLD.

A DIFFERENT WORLD?

WAIT A SECOND, ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME

THAT YOU'RE-- YES.

OH, MY GOD. SO AM I!

I KNEW THE MINUTE YOU WALKED IN.

IS IT THAT OBVIOUS?

UH, YEAH. YEAH.

AH, SO THIS IS WHY

YOU HAVEN'T MARRIED MARY.

EXACTLY.

I LOVE HER DEARLY,

BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO MARRY HER

AND THEN HAVE TO GO BEHIND HER BACK TO EXPLORE.

I MEAN, I-- I AM ON A MISSION.

I HEAR THAT.

LISTEN, I SHOULD HAVE

SAID SOMETHING EARLIER,

BUT I JUST GET SO NERVOUS.

I ONLY RECENTLY

STARTED TO TELL PEOPLE.

YOU'VE TOLD PEOPLE?

OH, YOU HAVEN'T?

HEAVENS, NO! HOW DO THEY REACT?

OH, FOR THE MOST PART

THEY'RE VERY ACCEPTING.

I MEAN, EVERYONE IS COMING OUT NOWADAYS.

MY GOD, WE'RE LIKE

10% OF THE POPULATION.

I'LL BE DAMNED.

I THOUGHT I WAS ALL ALONE HERE.

WELL, I FELT THAT WAY FOR A WHILE.

BUT IF YOU GO TO THE BARS,

YOU FIND OUT THAT

THERE'S A HUGE COMMUNITY

OF US OUT THERE.

THERE ARE BARS?

WELL, NOT JUST BARS, DICK,

BUT RESTAURANTS, CRUISES--

CRUISES?

OH, I WENT TO MYKONOS

OVER CHRISTMAS.

MYKONOS!

OH, FRANK. YOU'VE MADE ME SO HAPPY!

HEY, GUYS.

HEY. HEY.

SO, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

NOT BAD, YOU?

OH, PRETTY AVERAGE.

YOU KNOW, GRADED SOME PAPERS,

DID SOME DRIVING, MET ANOTHER ALIEN.

All: WHAT?

HIS NAME IS FRANK.

HE'S AN OLD FRIEND OF MARY'S.

OH, MAN, THAT BROAD'S LIKE

AN INTERSTELLAR LIGHTNING ROD.

HEY, HEY, GET THIS.

APPARENTLY, RUTHERFORD

IS THE HOTBED

OF ALIEN ACTIVITY IN OHIO.

WHOA!

FRANK INVITED ME TO THIS PLACE DOWNTOWN

CALLED JEFFREY'S LOUNGE.

IT'S AN ALIEN BAR.

JEFFREY'S LOUNGE. ISN'T THAT THAT PLACE

WITH THE BLACKED-OUT WINDOWS?

UH, YEAH.

ALIENS INSIDE.

WOW, ALIENS INSIDE? SO, CAN WE GO?

WELL, I'LL CHECK IT OUT, AND IF I LIKE IT,

WE'LL BOOK IT FOR HARRY'S BIRTHDAY.

[ALL CHEER]

COME ON, SALLY, WE'RE LATE.

OH, GOSH, OK.

WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?

UH, WE'RE GOING TO SEE

THE KENNY LOGGINS EXPERIENCE.

YEAH, THEY'RE A KENNY LOGGINS

TRIBUTE BAND.

OH, THEY SOUND JUST LIKE HIM?

WELL, I HOPE NOT. I HATE KENNY LOGGINS.

BYE, GUYS.

BYE. HAVE FUN.

HARRY, TELL ME SOMETHING.

DO YOU FIND IT AT ALL SUSPICIOUS

SALLY IS DATING A COP?

SHE'S BEEN DATING A COP FOR TWO YEARS.

IT NEVER BOTHERED US BEFORE.

WE NEVER ROBBED A BANK BEFORE.

WELL, SALLY WOULDN'T TELL DON

ABOUT THE BANK.

OR WOULD SHE?

NO, SHE LOVES US.

OR DOES SHE?

NO, SHE DOES--

THAT BITCH!

[CULTURE CLUB'S "KARMA CHAMELEON" PLAYS]

SO, EVERYBODY HERE IS JUST LIKE US?

YEP.

WHAT PLANET IS HE FROM?

SERIOUSLY.

WHERE ARE ALL THE LADIES?

OH, THEY HAVE THEIR OWN BAR.

OH, SMART.

YOU KNOW, FRANK,

I TOLD MARY THAT YOU SCORED US

A COUPLE OF HOCKEY TICKETS FOR TONIGHT.

I HOPE THAT'S OK.

DID YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE

YOU OWE IT TO MARY TO TELL HER THE TRUTH?

SOMETIMES. IT'S JUST THAT

I'VE BEEN KEEPING THIS SECRET

FOR SO LONG NOW.

EVERY DAY, IT JUST GETS HARDER

FOR ME TO TELL HER.

OH, I UNDERSTAND,

BUT YOU SHOULD JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

MRS. DUBCEK! HI.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

ARE YOU--

NO.

THESE BOYS JUST LOVE ME.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

SURPRISE.

NOT REALLY.

COME ON, BOYS. LET'S DANCE.

WHOO-HOO!

HI, I'M TAYLOR.

HELLO, I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER.

WELL, HELLO, HIGH COMMANDER.

MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER SOMETIME

AND DO SOME TRAINING?

WHY NOT? I'LL MAKE A FINE SOLDIER

OUT OF YOU.

WHAT WAS THAT?

A SALUTE. A SALUTE?

YOU'VE NEVER DONE THE SALUTE?

NO. YOU KNOW, LIKE--

NO, MORE LIKE--

BETTER.

HEY, LOOK AT US!

WE'RE FABULOUS!

GOOD MORNING, GUYS.

GOOD MORNING. HEY.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO I SAW

AT JEFFREY'S LOUNGE LAST NIGHT.

OUR FLORIST, ALAN.

ALAN IS AN ALIEN?

AND ONE HELL OF A DANCER.

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

BEING AT JEFFREY'S LOUNGE

IS JUST SO LIBERATING.

FOR THE FIRST TIME

SINCE I CAME TO THIS PLANET,

I--I FELT LIKE I BELONGED.

YOU KNOW, I'M EVEN TOYING WITH THE IDEA

OF TELLING MARY.

WAIT. NO WAY, DICK.

YOU CANNOT JUST SPILL EVERYTHING TO MARY.

I'M TELLING YOU, SALLY.

HALF THE PEOPLE ON BROADWAY

ARE OPENLY ALIEN.

WELL, I DON'T CARE, DICK. YOU KNOW OUR POLICY.

THEY DON'T ASK, WE DON'T TELL.

[SIGHS]

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

DID YOU GET YOUR EARS PIERCED?

OH, JUST ON THE RIGHT SIDE, TOMMY.

THAT'S THE ALIEN SIDE.

WELL, I'M GONNA SWING BY THE BANK,

DO A LITTLE RECON,

THEN GO VISIT DON AT THE POLICE STATION.

TAKING A LITTLE TRIP TO THE POLICE STATION?

YEAH, WHY?

HOW DO WE KNOW THAT YOU AND YOUR COP BOYFRIEND

AREN'T SETTING US UP?

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

AFTER ALL THE WORK I HAVE PUT INTO THIS PLAN,

YOU GUYS HAVE THE COJONES TO ACCUSE ME

OF BEING A STOOLIE?

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! HEY! HEY! HEY!

LET ME TELL YOU HOW THINGS WORK

AROUND HERE, OK?

THIS IS MY PLAN. I AM THE BOSS.

YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN HIT THE ROAD.

OK, CALM DOWN, SALLY.

WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM HERE.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'M GONNA GO GET US

A SACK OF BURRITOS.

IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT.

YEAH, YOU DO THAT.

I WILL. ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME?

NO, SALLY. NO PROBLEM.

I HAVE TOTAL FAITH IN YOU.

ALL RIGHT. COOL. ALL RIGHT.

IT'S HARRY I'M BEGINNING TO HAVE MY DOUBTS ABOUT.

HARRY? YEAH, WELL,

IF THERE'S A WEAK LINK IN THIS PLAN, IT'S HIM.

HARRY'S NOT A WEAK LINK.

OR IS HE?

NAH. HE'S SOLID AS A ROCK.

OR IS HE SOFT?

NAH.

THAT BITCH!

HEY, DICK.

MARY, HI.

HOW WAS THE HOCKEY GAME LAST NIGHT?

OH, UH, GREAT. STICKS, ICE,

TOOTHLESS CANADIANS, YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

MARY? MMM?

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN "E.T."?

"E.T."? OF COURSE. WHY?

DID YOU LIKE THE ALIEN?

UH-HUH.

DID YOU...

LOVE THE ALIEN?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

MARY, I'M... I AM A--

Frank: HEY, MARY.

MY COLLECTION OF PERUVIAN STONE DRUMS

JUST ARRIVED.

OOH!

UM...

I WALKED IN ON SOMETHING,

DIDN'T I?

OH, NO--NO. WE WERE JUST

TALKING ABOUT MOVIES.

OH, DICK. YOU'VE GOT TO COME SEE THIS.

NO--NO, YOU GO AHEAD.

I-I'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

I HOPE I DIDN'T INTERRUPT ANYTHING IMPORTANT.

ACTUALLY, I WAS ABOUT TO TELL HER.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I AM SO SORRY.

Mary: FRANK.

I'M COMING!

I AM SO SORRY.

SAD FACE.

HERE HE COMES.

OK. JUST GO EASY ON HIM, OK?

I'M NOT HEARTLESS, TOMMY.

HEY, GUYS.

YOU'RE OUT OF THE PLAN, HARRY!

WHAT?

WE JUST DON'T THINK YOU HAVE THE MENTAL FORTITUDE

FOR THIS OPERATION.

THE MENTAL FORTA-WHAT?

EXACTLY.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS, TOMMY?

YOU DID.

YOU DID KNOW ABOUT THIS!

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT TOMMY.

THAT TIME WE WENT TO THE PETTING ZOO,

HE HAD NIGHTMARES FOR A WEEK. A WEEK!

SO AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

YOU TWO DESERVE EACH OTHER.

I AM OUT OF HERE!

HEY! HEY! WHOA! WHOA!

HI, GUYS. IS DICK HERE?

NO. HE'S OVER AT JEFFREY'S LOUNGE.

JEFFREY'S LOUNG--

ISN'T THAT A GAY BAR?

YEAH. YEAH.

THAT'S-- IT'S A GAY BAR.

HUH.

ARE YOU SURE HE SAID JEFFREY'S LOUNGE?

WELL, HE COULD'VE SAID SOME OTHER GAY BAR.

OK.

[CLEARS THROAT]

SO SHOULD WE START

RECONSTRUCTING THE PLAN FOR TWO PEOPLE?

DID YOU REALLY HAVE

PETTING ZOO NIGHTMARES, TOMMY?

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I CAN'T COUNT ON SOMEONE

WHO'S AFRAID OF BABY FARM ANIMALS.

HEY. THAT LAMB WAS FREAKY, MAN.

HE WAS GIVING ME THE EVIL EYE.

YOU'RE OUT, TOMMY.

WHAT? YOU'RE DONE!

YOU'VE BEEN GUNNING FOR ME SINCE DAY ONE,

HAVEN'T YOU? HAVEN'T YOU?

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, SISTER.

YOU GOT YOUR WISH.

I'M OUT!

AAH!

♪ THE NIGHT IS BITTER ♪

♪ THE STARS HAVE LOST THEIR GLITTER ♪

♪ THE WINDS GROW COLDER ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY YOU'RE OLDER ♪

♪ AND ALL BECAUSE OF ♪ [MEN HUMMING]

♪ THE MAN ♪

♪ THAT GOT AWAY ♪

MARY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, I--I--I, UH..

DICK, IT'S TIME TO COME CLEAN.

COME CLEAN ABOUT WHAT?

I CAN'T. I JUST C-CAN'T DO IT.

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

MARY...

DICK IS GAY.

[GASPS]

THAT'S RIGHT, MARY. I'M--

NO, I'M NOT.

WELL, THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

DICK, THIS IS A GAY BAR.

EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE IS GAY.

MARY, YOU'RE GAY? NO, I'M NOT GAY!

OH, SO YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,

BUT I'M EXPECTED TO BELIEVE YOU.

OH, PUH-LEEZE!

TOMMY?

SALLY?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M HERE TO KNOCK OFF THIS BANK.

FIND YOUR OWN BANK, SMEE.

THIS ONE'S MINE!

BUZZ OFF, FONZIE.

OH, GOD.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. HE'S HERE, TOO?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M HERE TO ROB THE BANK.

WHO ARE YOU?

GET THE HELL OVER HERE.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

SINCE WE'RE ALL HERE ANYWAY,

WE MIGHT AS WELL GO THROUGH WITH

THE ORIGINAL PLAN.

HARRY, TAKE THE PEN TO THE TELLER

AND DISTRACT HER.

THAT'S WHEN YOU, TOMMY, HEAD FOR THE SAFE.

IF THERE'S ANY TROUBLE,

THE GUARD GETS A FACE FULL OF SALLY-BOOB.

OOH. NOW, ARE YOU SURE THAT

I CAN'T BE THE GUARD?

NO! LET'S GO.

HARRY! HARRY! HARRY.

WHAT'S WRONG?

THE PENS ARE CHAINED DOWN.

THEY MUST'VE KNOWN WE WERE COMING.

YOU TIPPED OFF THE COPS, DIDN'T YOU?

DON'T YOU START WITH ME, LAMB-BOY.

YEAH. MAYBE LAMB-BOY TIPPED OFF THE FUZZ.

YOU PUNK. BAAA!

AAH! STOP IT! ALL RIGHT!

YOU TWO SHUT UP. NOW, LISTEN,

WE HAVE GOT A BANK TO ROB.

EXCUSE ME?

CAN I HELP YOU?

EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

AAH!

HELLO, NINA.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

JUST IN CASE MARY WAS WORRIED,

I WANTED TO PROVE TO HER THAT I'M A REAL MAN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, NINA?

YOU LIKE BEEFCAKE?

NOT FROM YOUR FUNKY BAKERY.

DICK.

HEY, HOT STUFF.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON

BETWEEN YOU AND FRANK.

WE JUST HAD A LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING,

THAT'S ALL.

SO, ARE YOU SAYING YOU'RE GAY OR NOT?

WHAT I'M SAYING...

IS THIS.

SO, ARE YOU GAY OR NOT?

MARY...

I AM NOT GAY.

GOOD.

YOU BELIEVE ME?

YES, I DO.

GOOD.

I DO BELIEVE YOU.

SO, YOU'RE NOT GAY?

NO, I'M NOT GAY. I PROMISE YOU.

I AM NOT GAY.

UH-HUH.

I'M AN ALIEN.

OH, GOD, I WISH I WAS GAY!

SO, DID YOU HEAR, DICK? WE TRIED TO ROB A BANK.

ROB A BANK? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

THE PENS ALL HAVE CHAINS.

YEAH. WE KNOW NOW.

I WONDER HOW HUMANS WOULD REACT

IF WE CAME OUT AS ALIENS?

YOU KNOW, I BET THEY'D BE COOL WITH EVERYTHING

EXCEPT FOR US KISSING ON TV.

SURE IS A NICE NIGHT OUT, HUH?

HEY, DONNY. HEY.

YOU GOT ROOM FOR A COP OUT ON YOUR ROOF?

SURE. SURE.

HEY!

HEY.

HEY. HEY. HEY.

♪ MACHO, MACHO MAN ♪

♪ MACHO MAN ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO... ♪