Original subtitles

HEY, GUYS!

JUST A MOMENT, YOUNG LADY.

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

YOU'VE BEEN OUT GROCERY SHOPPING FOR 5 HOURS.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S HARD TO FIND GOOD PRODUCE.

I'LL TAKE THESE, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

OHH, NOT AGAIN!

YOU SPENT ALL OUR FOOD MONEY ON SHOES?

WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THAT FROM?

SALLY, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

NO, I DON'T!

OH, NO? COME HERE.

LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

WHAT? I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE SHOES

THAN...THAN...

THAN ITALY?

AND WHAT IS THIS?

I HAVE A BAD BACK.

BLACK MANOLO PUMPS.

CHECK.

VELVET MARY JANES.

CHECK.

RED STRAPPY DOLCES.

CHECK.

HEY, Y'ALL.

VICKI DUBCEK? IS THAT YOU?

WELL, WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU LOOK SO, UH...

WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF TRASHY?

NOT TRASHY?

NOT TRASHY.

OH, MY GOD, VICKI?

WOW, LOOK AT YOU.

WHY ARE YOU SO CLEANED UP?

WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I HIT ROCK BOTTOM.

I WAS DRINKING. OH, YEAH.

AND I WAS FREER WITH MY BODY

THAN A MEDICAL SCHOOL CADAVER.

BUT THEN ALONG CAME LITTLE ERIC TRAVIS.

All: OHH!

HE'S SO LITTLE.

MOTHERHOOD CERTAINLY SEEMS

TO HAVE TRANSFORMED YOU, VICKI.

OH, BOY, I'LL SAY.

YOU KNOW, I WAS SO OUT OF IT,

I ACTUALLY THOUGHT I WAS IMPREGNATED

BY AN ALIEN.

I MEAN, COME ON!

All: COME ON!

[LAUGHING] [BEEPING]

YOU ARE A PIG!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS HERE TO SEE YOU.

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

IS HE LITERALLY A PIG?

I'M BACK! RING-A-DING-DING!

OH, GOD!

IF IT ISN'T THE BIG GIANT HEAD!

WELCOME! WHAT A SURPRISE!

YOU DIDN'T CALL. YOU USUALLY CALL.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL?

JUST KEEPING YOU ON YOUR TOES.

OH, SMART MOVE.

ACTUALLY, I FORGOT TO CALL.

BRILLIANT! BRILLIANT.

OH, MARY, YOU REMEMBER, UH, STONE.

STONE PHILLIPS.

OH, GOD, NO.

YOU'RE THE ATTRACTIVE, MATURE ONE.

WOULD YOU DO A CARTWHEEL FOR ME?

YOU'RE AN ASS.

IF IT'S ONE AS MAGNIFICENT AS YOURS,

I THANK YOU.

YOU'RE STILL AN ASS!

STRANGE, I DON'T REMEMBER EARTH

BEING THIS BITCHY.

I KNOW. WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

SO, YOUR AWESOME BIGLINESS,

TO WHAT DO WE OWE THE HONOR

OF YOUR ARRIVAL?

THE LAST TIME I WAS IN RUTHERFORD,

I SIRED AN HEIR.

WITH VICKI DUBCEK, UH-HUH.

WHOEVER.

POINT IS, I'VE COME TO TAKE HIM BACK

TO GROOM HIM FOR HIS FUTURE THRONE.

WHAT A FINE IDEA.

LONG LIVE THE ROYAL LINE--

OH, SHUT UP.

DO ME A CARTWHEEL.

WHAT?

A CARTWHEEL!

THAT WAS SUCKY.

OH, BY THE WAY,

THIS HARNESS BELONGS TO YOUR ASSISTANT.

SALLY, ARE THOSE NEW BOOTS?

I'M SORRY, TOMMY. I TRIED,

BUT THIS DAMN PATCH DOESN'T WORK!

GUYS! I GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.

WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS?

THE BIG GIANT HEAD IS HERE.

WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?

THERE IS NONE.

WELL, THEN,

WHY DID YOU PHRASE IT LIKE THAT?

I DON'T KNOW!

COME ON!

♪ ACROSS THE VOID WE COME A-WARPING ♪

♪ ACROSS THE FIELDS OF STARS WE SOAR ♪

♪ WE PLEDGE TO WAR AND MAPPING... ♪

STOP IT! I HATE THAT SONG.

OOH, LIEUTENANT.

SIR.

HOW'S IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU'RE EVEN

HOT-MONKEY LOVELIER THAN BEFORE?

SIR, MR. HEAD,

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO SEE YOUR SON AND HEIR?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

THAT'S YOUR SON, SIR.

MY SON?

MY SON'S A LEADER, A WARRIOR.

THIS THING IS COVERED IN SNOT.

WELL, IT'S 6 MONTHS OLD, SIR.

THAT'S NORMAL FOR AN EARTH BABY.

YEAH, BUT IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER,

THE SIZE OF HIS HEAD

IS THE TALK OF THE MOMMY AND ME GROUP.

THAT'S MY BOY.

NO, THAT'S MY BOY.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T...

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M THE WOMAN YOU KNOCKED UP

AND THEN ABANDONED, YOU RAT!

OH, THAT'S YOU!

YOU LOOK LESS...

TRASHY. YEAH, I KNOW.

HEY, BABY.

HEY, SWEET LITTLE BOY.

LOOK AT MY SWEETIE.

COME ON, LITTLE ERIC TRAVIS.

I DON'T WANT YOU

ANYWHERE NEAR THIS ITINERANT SPERM DONOR.

[LAUGHS] WELL, SIR...

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,

"HEIR TODAY AND GONE TOMORROW."

PLEASE DON'T VAPORIZE ME.

WHEN I SAW THAT WOMAN HOLDING MY BABY,

MY HEART FILLED WITH JOY,

MY STOMACH GOT ALL TINGLY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE IN LOVE, SIR.

LOVE? LOVE? YES, LOVE.

YES! I LOVE HER. SHE LOVES ME.

WE'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

UNFORTUNATELY, NO, SIR.

SHE DESPISES YOU.

THEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE HER LOVE ME.

ME, MAKE HER? I DON'T THINK I CAN.

OF COURSE YOU CAN, DICK. I MEAN, COME ON,

YOU MADE ALBRIGHT FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

YEAH! WHEN WE FIRST GOT HERE,

SHE HATED YOUR GUTS.

AND NOW, FOR SOME REASON,

SHE SLEEPS IN YOUR BOXERS.

UH, THAT'S TRUE.

IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT A WAY

TO MAKE VICKI DUBCEK LOVE ME,

I'LL PULL YOU OFF THIS MISSION

AND SEND YOU TO MARS.

OH, WELL, MARS IS NOT SO BAD.

NOT THAT MARS!

NO!

ALL RIGHT, SALLY.

THE FIRST STEP TO CURING YOUR SHOE ADDICTION

IS TO ELIMINATE THE MONEY SOURCE.

OF COURSE! I'LL KILL DICK.

NO. UH, I WAS TALKING ABOUT CUTTING UP

YOUR CREDIT CARD.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

SALLY, IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

OK.

OK.

NO PROBLEM. GOOD.

HEH HEH HEH.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

AHEM!

THERE. DID IT. HA HA HA!

WHEW!

THAT WAS YOUR LIBRARY CARD.

YOU'RE RIGHT. NO PROBLEM.

IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.

OK. YOU CAN DO IT.

I'M READY. GOOD.

OK...

OK, THAT WAS MY LIBRARY CARD.

I'M SORRY!

QUIT SCREWIN' AROUND. TAKE OUT YOUR CREDIT CARD.

[WHIMPERING]

COME ON.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

THERE. I DID IT, OK?

GOOD. GOOD. NOW YOUR BANK OF COLUMBUS CARD.

BANK OF TAIWAN CARD,

BANK OF CRETE CARD.

NOT MY BANK OF CRETE CARD.

BANK OF CRETE!

DICK.

DAMN.

DID YOU GET THAT INFORMATION I ASKED FOR?

UH...RIGHT.

ABOUT THAT, SIR...

HERE'S THE THING...

I CAN'T MAKE VICKI FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

WHAT YOU'RE ASKING FOR IS IMPOSSIBLE.

THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF REASONS

THAT HUMANS FALL IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER,

AND EACH ONE IS AS SPECIAL AS ALL THE OTHERS.

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'VE FAILED.

LARGELY, YES.

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR IMMEDIATE DEPORTATION.

NO.

YES. I'M SENDING YOU EIGHTH CLASS,

WHERE ALL THEY SERVE IS A DISGUSTING SNACK,

AND YOU HAVE TO EAT IT!

5, 4, 3, 2...

HARRY! OH, THERE YOU ARE!

TELL THE BIG GIANT HEAD HERE

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

UH, WELL, YOU KNOW,

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO GOOD WITH WORDS.

SHOW ME!

WE--OF COURSE, HE'LL SHOW YOU.

THAT WAS MY PLAN ALL ALONG, TO HAVE HARRY SHOW YOU.

SO SHOW HIM, HARRY.

OH...OK.

DICK, YOU BE THE WOMAN.

AND USE THE NAME VICKI.

VICKI?

UH, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, NOW...

I'LL COME IN.

HELLO, HARRY.

HI, VICKI.

YOU'RE LOOKING VERY HANDSOME TODAY.

WOW. YOU MEAN IT?

COURSE I DO.

YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE UNIQUE PEOPLE

THAT IS AS BEAUTIFUL ON THE OUTSIDE

AS YOU ARE ON THE IN.

WELL, YOU MAKE ME FEEL

LIKE I'VE NEVER FELT BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

AH!

OH, YOUR SKIN IS SO SOFT.

YOUR EYES ARE SO BROWN.

OH, VICKI. OH, HARRY!

I LOVE YOU, VICKI.

I LOVE YOU, HARRY!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

UH...WE'RE STILL WORKSHOPPING IT, SIR.

IT'S VERY ROUGH.

WELL, THIS ISN'T WORKING FOR ME!

WIN ME VICKI DUBCEK'S HEART...

OR YOU DIE.

BUT, SIR, IT'S JUST SIMPLY IMPOSSIBLE.

WHAT YOU'RE ASKING FOR--

YOU KNOW, HE IS A LOUSY HOUSEGUEST.

DICK, I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH VICKI.

WOULD IT BE BAD IF I TOLD HER?

YOU CAN'T!

IF VICKI WINDS UP WITH YOU,

THE BIG GIANT HEAD WILL SQUASH YOU LIKE A BUG,

AND I'LL BE BANISHED FROM THIS PLANET FOREVER!

WELL, HE DIDN'T SAY "NO."

ALL RIGHT, NOW,

THIS HERE IS A PICTURE OF A PIECE OF CHEESE,

BUT IN FRENCH IT'S...

[NON-FRENCH ACCENT] FROMAGE.

FROMAGE. IT'S IN FRENCH.

HELLO, VICKI.

OH, HEY, HARRY.

HEY, I WAS JUST TEACHIN' LITTLE ERIC SOME FRENCH.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SAY IN FRENCH...

"I LOVE YOU,

AND I SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET YOU OUT OF MY LIFE"?

NO, BUT I KNOW HOW TO SAY, "BOOT."

Dick: VICKI, ARE YOU HOME?

YEAH! I'M IN HERE!

HARRY,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN VICKI'S BEDROOM?

WELL, I'M JUST HELPING VICKI TEACH THE BABY FRENCH.

EST-CE QUE C'EST VRAI?

I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH.

JE VEUX QUE TO PARTE

EN CEP MOMENT!

MAIS JE DOIS LUI DIRE QUE JE L'AIME.

ES-TU FOU? ELLE APPARTIENT

A LA GRANDE TETE GEANTE!

LA GRAND TETE GEANTE.

DID SOMEBODY SAY, "DISCOTHEQUE"?

I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMEBODY SAY...

MAINTENANT VAS-Y! C'EST UNE COMMANDE!

TRES BIEN!

[FRENCH ACCENT] I WILL BE BACK.

[SPITS]

OH!

SACREBLEU!

ALORS.

VICKI? MM-HMM?

STONE FEELS JUST AWFUL ABOUT ABANDONING YOU.

HE WANTS TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU LET HIM

TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER OR SOMETHING?

OH, NO. I DO NOT WANT TO BE ALONE WITH THAT MAN.

OH, NO. MARY AND I WILL COME ALONG.

SHE ADORES STONE. IT'LL BE A BLAST.

AH, I DON'T KNOW.

COME ON, VICKI. DO IT FOR ERIC.

WHO'S ERIC?

YOUR BABY.

ISN'T HE CUTE?

YES. A LARGE PEPPERONI WITH MUSHROOMS.

CAN YOU HANG ON A SECOND?

HEY, YOU KNOW THAT SHOE STORE ACROSS THE STREET?

CAN YOU JUST LOOK IN THE WINDOW FOR ME?

OH, WHAT--WHAT DO THEY HAVE ON SALE?

OH...THOSE ARE NICE.

CAN YOU GET A PAIR OVER HERE IN 30 MINUTES OR LESS?

BECAUSE I'LL PAY YOU A LITTLE--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WAS ORDERING A PIZZA--

HALF-PEPPERONI, HALF-BUCKLES.

SALLY, YOU ARE TOTALLY STRUNG OUT.

ALL RIGHT, WE ARE GONNA NEED

TO TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I MEAN HYPNOSIS.

WHAT?

SALLY, IT'S YOUR LAST HOPE.

YOU'RE RIGHT. OK.

NOW...AHEM!

I WANT YOU TO RELAX.

FOCUS ON THE SOUND OF MY VOICE.

INHALE...

EXHALE.

TOUCH MY BOOBS WHEN I'M UNDER,

AND YOU'RE DEAD.

WHAT? IS DICK HERE?

NO. SHH!

OH, GREAT!

HE PROBABLY ALREADY WENT OFF TO DINNER.

OH, I DESPISE THAT FRENCH BASTARD!

HARRY!

SNAIL-EATER! SHH!

OK...AHEM!

WHERE WERE WE?

OK, SALLY...

WHEN I SAY, "ONE,"

YOU WILL FALL DEEPLY ASLEEP.

AND...

ONE.

GOOD. GOOD.

NOW, NOD IF YOU CAN HEAR ME.

GOOD.

DEEP SLEEP.

SALLY, DO YOU REMEMBER TELLING ME

I COULDN'T TOUCH YOUR BOOBS?

CRAP. OK, MOVING ON.

WHEN YOU HEAR THE NUMBER 2...

YOU WILL WAKE UP FEELING TOTALLY REFRESHED.

WHEN YOU HEAR THE NUMBER 3,

YOU WILL FEEL AS IF YOUR SHOES ARE ON FIRE.

OK, NOW, LET'S WAKE YOU UP.

AND...2!

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

LIKE YOU TOTALLY SUCK AT HYPNOSIS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING-- YOUR HEAD DROPPED.

I WANTED TO LOOK AT MY SHOES,

WHICH ARE NOT ON FIRE, BY THE WAY.

I'M GONNA GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH.

COULD YOU MAKE ME ONE?

HEY, LOOK AT THAT.

HARRY FELL ASLEEP.

I COULD REALLY USE A NAP, TOO.

WOW, I'VE NEVER FELT SO REFRESHED IN ALL MY LIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING DOWN TO THAT RESTAURANT,

AND I'M GONNA TELL VICKI THAT I LOVE HER.

WAIT, HARRY!

HARRY'S STANDING UP TO THE BIG GIANT HEAD?

HE'S GONNA GET KILLED.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, TOMMY.

I'M GONNA NEED SOME CONSERVATIVE BLACK PUMPS

FOR THE FUNERAL.

SALLY. SALLY! SALLY!

WELL, ISN'T THIS LOVELY?

AND SO ROMANTIC, DON'T YOU THINK?

HOW ABOUT A TOAST?

TO US...

4 PEOPLE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORLDS

JUST TRYING TO MAKE A GO OF IT, HUH?

MARY?

SO, DR. ALBRIGHT,

HOW ARE THINGS TREATIN' YOU AT THE HOSPITAL?

I'LL BET THOSE HMOs

ARE JUST MAKIN' YOU CRAZY, HUH?

AH HA HA!

I'M NOT THAT KIND OF DOCTOR, VICKI.

SO, YOU MEAN, LIKE, YOU'RE, LIKE,

A VETERINARIAN, OR WHAT?

SO WHAT CAN I GET FOR ALL OF YOU THIS EVENING?

A TAXI!

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, WAIT, MARY!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M NERVOUS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL?

MARY!

MARY!

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I'M NOT PROUD OF WHAT I DID.

I'M THE GUILTY ONE.

[THUD]

I MEAN, YOU JUST ABANDONED ME AND LITTLE ERIC TRAVIS.

NOW I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING BUT YOU TWO.

YEAH. YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT ONE?

WELL, IT'S TRUE.

WHEN I SAW YOU HOLDING OUR CHILD,

I FELT THINGS I NEVER FELT BEFORE.

I FELT THE NEED TO...

BE THE ONE...

TO...

LOOK AFTER YOU,

THE ONE...

TO...

PROTECT YOU.

OH...OH, STONE.

VICKI, I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND LITTLE ERIC,

JUST US 3.

AAH!

MY SHOES ARE ON FIRE!

AAH!

POOR BABY.

THAT'S ROUGH.

Dick: SALLY, TOMMY, HARRY!

ARE STONE AND VICKI BACK YET?

NO.

LAST TIME I SAW THEM,

THEY WERE KISSIN' AT THE RESTAURANT.

YES! THAT MEANS THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER, RIGHT?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. YOU GOT ME.

I WAS TOO BUSY TRYING TO PUT MY SHOES OUT

IN THE RESTAURANT'S KOI POND.

LONG STORY SHORT-- CONGRATULATIONS, DICK.

YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED.

WELL, THANK YOU, HARRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW A CHOCOLATE SOUFFLE

COULD BE THAT FLUFFY,

BUT IT WAS!

HEY, BABY.

HEY, BABY.

OH, GOOD.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY.

VICKI, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING IN THIS WORLD

THAT I LOVE MORE THAN YOU.

THAT'S ME.

MARRY ME?

STONE, THIS IS SO SUDDEN.

I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!

SAY "NO."

WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT? HUH?

HARRY STILL LOVES YOU, VICKI.

HOW DARE YOU?!

WHERE DO YOU GET THE GALL TO COME BACK HERE

AND REND ASUNDER THE BONDS OF TRUE LOVE?

I'M NOT GONNA STAND BY

AND SEE YOU BREAK THIS POOR MAN'S HEART!

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF THE IMPLICATIONS

OF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

I DO.

WOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU'D DO THAT FOR ME, DICK.

HARRY, IS THIS TRUE? DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?

YEAH, BUT YOU SHOULD GO WITH STONE.

I MEAN, HE REALLY LOVES YOU,

AND, BESIDES,

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING BAD

TO HAPPEN TO DICK.

HARRY, I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU'D DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT FOR ME.

OH...I LOVE YOU, DICK.

I LOVE YOU, HARRY!

OH!

GOOD GOD, THERE THEY GO AGAIN.

STONE?

YES, MY LOVE?

MY ANSWER IS YES.

OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC!

I'LL GO PUT THE CAR SEAT IN THE SPACESHIP.

SPACESHIP?

THE SPACESHIP. YES, I HAVE MY OWN.

I'M THE BIG GIANT HEAD.

I'M THE SUPREME LEADER OF THE GALAXY.

THESE ARE JUST ALIEN DRONES.

YOU--YOU'RE ALL ALIENS?

YOU--YOU REALLY ARE?

SORTA.

YEAH, BUT WE PREFER EXTRATERRESTRIALS.

DO YOU HAVE ALIEN POWERS?

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE, CAN YOU TAKE THAT GNOME

RIGHT OVER THERE

AND MAKE IT MOVE TO RIGHT OVER THERE?

UH...

SURE.

WHOA.

WELL, YOUR HIGHNESS,

ARE YOU READY TO ASCEND YOUR CELESTIAL THRONE?

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE

I'M GONNA BE QUEEN OF THE FREAKIN' UNIVERSE!

SO LONG, EARTH!

[SNEEZE]

WELL, THEY DO MAKE A NICE COUPLE.

ANYBODY GOT WETNAPS?

THE KID JUST PUKED IN THE PARTICLE ACCELERATOR.