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1
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:08,874
[SNIGGERING]
2
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,042
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
3
00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:11,042
LOOK AT THE COVER
4
00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:13,511
OF THIS RIDICULOUS
MAGAZINE.
5
00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:14,512
HARRISON FORD.
6
00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:15,814
OOH. LET ME SEE THAT.
7
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:16,949
THEY'RE CALLING
THIS UGLY NERD
8
00:00:16,951 --> 00:00:19,317
THE SEXIEST MAN
ON EARTH.
9
00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:20,952
WELL, HE IS.
10
00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:22,020
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
11
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,188
YOU ACTUALLY THINK
HE'S SEXY?
12
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,790
I WOULDN'T KICK HIM
OUT OF BED.
13
00:00:25,792 --> 00:00:26,791
I WOULD.
14
00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:27,892
HE'S GOT TO GO OUT
AND WORK
15
00:00:27,894 --> 00:00:30,194
AND SUPPORT ME
AND THE KIDS.
16
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,631
OH, COME ON!
I'M SEXIER THAN HE IS.
17
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:35,567
ABSOLUTELY.
HA HA HA!
18
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:36,568
EXCUSE ME.
19
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,136
HA HA HA!
20
00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:40,873
WELL, AT LEAST
YOU THINK
21
00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:42,875
I'M SEXIER
THAN HE IS, MARY.
22
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,042
HUH?
23
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,076
DON'T YOU?
24
00:00:45,078 --> 00:00:48,146
OH, COME ON, DICK.
YOU'RE SEXY, BUT...
25
00:00:48,148 --> 00:00:50,849
YOU'RE NO HARRISON FORD.
26
00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:53,218
I AM TOO HARRISON FORD!
27
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,486
OH, DICK...
28
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:55,554
WELL, I AM!
29
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,089
I HAVE
TO GET TO CLASS.
30
00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:58,256
HOW CAN YOU
POSSIBLY SAY
31
00:00:58,258 --> 00:01:00,658
HARRISON FORD IS
SEXIER THAN I AM?
32
00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:02,060
I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE
HE'S GOT THOSE
33
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,095
INCREDIBLE
CHEEKBONES
34
00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:06,231
AND THAT PERFECTLY
CHISELED JAW...
35
00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:09,367
AND THOSE PENETRATING
BROWN EYES...
36
00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:11,236
THAT YOU COULD ALMOST...
37
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:12,704
LOSE YOURSELF IN...
38
00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:16,174
IF YOU STARE AT THEM...
39
00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:18,743
LONG ENOUGH...
40
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,078
WHOA!
41
00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:23,448
BUT I LOVE YOU.
42
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:24,716
SEE YOU, DICK.
43
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,092
OH, MY GOD!
44
00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:37,529
I'M HIDEOUS!
45
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,142
OK, FINE. LIGHTS.
46
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,511
ANY QUESTIONS,
COMMENTS, ANYONE?
47
00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:28,112
ABOUT WHAT, DR. SOLOMON?
48
00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:29,447
WE'VE BEEN SITTING
IN THE DARK FOR 10 MINUTES.
49
00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:30,449
YOU HAVEN'T
SHOWED US A THING.
50
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,050
I'VE BEEN SHOWING YOU
MY FACE.
51
00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,653
WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE THINK
OF MY FACE?
52
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,422
ANYONE? UH,
HOW ABOUT YOU, BUG?
53
00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:40,291
WHA...EXCUSE ME, SIR.
YOUR, UH, YOUR WHAT?
54
00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:41,626
MY FACE!
55
00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:43,595
MY FACE. DO YOU
FIND IT APPEALING
56
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:45,263
IN AN INCREDIBLY
HANDSOME,
57
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:47,932
SEXIEST-MAN-ON-EARTH
SORT OF WAY?
58
00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:50,135
YOU'RE SORT OF
NOT MY TYPE.
59
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:54,105
HOW ABOUT YOU, PITMAN?
DO YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?
60
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:55,540
I'M SORRY, DR. SOLOMON.
61
00:02:55,542 --> 00:02:58,042
THE LAST TIME I ANSWERED
THAT QUESTION IN SCHOOL,
62
00:02:58,044 --> 00:03:00,579
ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER,
AND THEN MY BIOLOGY TEACHER
63
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:03,815
WOUND UP ASKING ME
TO KILL HER HUSBAND.
64
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:05,384
EH, EH, LEON,
65
00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:06,918
YOU'LL GIVE ME
A STRAIGHT ANSWER.
66
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:07,920
ME?
67
00:03:07,922 --> 00:03:09,922
WELL, UH...DR. SOLOMON,
68
00:03:09,924 --> 00:03:11,557
I'VE ALWAYS FOUND
HIGH CHEEKBONES
69
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:13,024
TO BE VERY ATTRACTIVE.
70
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,693
LIKE MINE?
71
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,695
ACTUALLY,
MORE LIKE PITMAN'S.
72
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:17,795
WHAT?
73
00:03:17,797 --> 00:03:20,031
YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?
74
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,200
UH, DR. SOLOMON...
75
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,268
LOOKS ARE VERY SUBJECTIVE.
76
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:25,503
WELL, IS THAT
YOUR SUBTLE WAY
77
00:03:25,505 --> 00:03:26,504
OF TELLING ME
78
00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:27,672
THAT YOU THINK
I'M HOT?
79
00:03:29,008 --> 00:03:31,443
NO.
80
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,945
OH, YEAH? WELL, YOU'RE
NOT SO PRETTY YOURSELF!
81
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,283
...HARRISON FORD.
82
00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:40,719
WHAT'S WITH
THE LONG FACE?
83
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:41,720
LOOK, THAT'S JUST
THE WAY IT'S SHAPED.
84
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:44,255
I CAN'T HELP IT, OK?
85
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:46,357
WHOA. WHAT'S YANKING
YOUR PONYTAIL?
86
00:03:46,359 --> 00:03:48,093
I JUST DON'T GET IT.
87
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:50,228
HARRISON FORD AND I
HAVE ALL THE SAME PARTS:
88
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,097
2 EYES, 2 EARS,
A NOSE, AND A MOUTH.
89
00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:54,232
HOW COME THEY LOOK
SO MUCH BETTER ON HIM?
90
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,233
WELL, YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD ALWAYS DO
91
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,502
A LITTLE SNIP-SNIP JOB.
92
00:03:57,504 --> 00:03:59,704
IF YOU'RE SUGGESTING
THAT I KIDNAP SOMEONE,
93
00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:00,738
CUT OFF HIS FACE,
94
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:01,940
AND GLUE IT
ONTO MY OWN, DON'T.
95
00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:05,777
BECAUSE THAT NEVER LOOKS
AS GOOD AS IT SHOULD.
96
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,946
I WAS TALKING
ABOUT PLASTIC SURGERY.
97
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,815
YEAH. YOU KNOW,
10 YEARS AGO
98
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:12,117
I HAD MY BOOBS DONE.
99
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,251
YOU DID?
100
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,187
REDUCED 3 SIZES.
101
00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:19,524
PLASTIC SURGERY.
102
00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:21,926
OF COURSE!
103
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,195
WHY SHOULD I
HAVE TO WALK AROUND
104
00:04:23,197 --> 00:04:24,796
LOOKING LIKE
A DRAB LUMP OF CLAY
105
00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:27,099
WHEN I CAN PAY SOMEONE
TO...CHISEL ME
106
00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:29,234
INTO A PERFECT
HUMAN SCULPTURE?
107
00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:31,770
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO GET
108
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,137
YOUR BOOBS
DONE, ARE YOU?
109
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:36,942
I JUST MIGHT!
110
00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:39,944
THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
111
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,212
IF EVERYONE
CAN JUST PAY
112
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:42,614
TO BE GOOD-LOOKING,
113
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,315
IT TOTALLY
CHEAPENS THINGS
114
00:04:44,317 --> 00:04:45,316
FOR THOSE OF US
115
00:04:45,318 --> 00:04:47,519
WHO ARE NATURALLY
EXQUISITE.
116
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:50,355
NATURAL? THERE'S
NOTHING NATURAL ABOUT YOU.
117
00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:53,458
YOU PICKED YOUR BODY
OUT OF A CATALOG.
118
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:56,093
MINE CAME WITH
A FREE TOTE BAG.
119
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,366
HEY...LOOK...
120
00:05:01,368 --> 00:05:03,902
THE LITTLE HAND IS
PICKING DICK'S NOSE.
121
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,804
NOW CUT IT OUT!
122
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,572
OK,
123
00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:12,577
I'M SORRY
I HAD TO STEP OUT.
124
00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,979
I WAS IN THE MIDDLE
OF A TATTOO REMOVAL.
125
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:18,216
APPARENTLY, THIS GENTLEMAN
HAS STOPPED LOVING HIS MOM.
126
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:21,285
OK. NOW LET'S SEE
WHAT WE CAN DO
127
00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:23,087
WITH...YOUR FACE.
128
00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:25,490
YEAH. CAN I SEE HOW
I'D LOOK WITH A BIGGER CHIN?
129
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,658
OF COURSE.
130
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,429
BUT WITH A BIGGER CHIN,
131
00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:32,831
I'D NEED A BIGGER NOSE,
RIGHT?
132
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,398
WELL...
133
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,366
OK.
134
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,905
WHY STOP THERE?
MAKE MY EARS BIGGER.
135
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:42,674
YOUR EARS.
136
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,479
NO, BIGGER. EVEN BIGGER.
137
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,180
NO, LIKE AN ELEPHANT.
BIGGER! EVEN BIGGER!
138
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,815
DICK, DICK,
DICK, DICK.
139
00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:52,617
SHH. CALM DOWN.
SIT DOWN.
140
00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:54,753
I'M SORRY, DOCTOR. HE'S
JUST A LITTLE OVEREXCITED
141
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,354
ABOUT THE IDEA OF...
LOOKING BETTER.
142
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,623
HA! WELL, HE SHOULD
BE, AND, UH...
143
00:05:58,625 --> 00:05:59,791
SO SHOULD YOU.
144
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,927
OH, I'M NOT
GETTING ANYTHING DONE.
145
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:03,962
YOU'RE NOT?
146
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:06,798
OH, I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
147
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,234
THAT'S RIDICULOUS!
148
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,737
HAVE YOU SEEN ME?
149
00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:14,706
I DON'T NEED
ANYTHING DONE.
150
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:15,740
I COULD MAKE YOU LOOK
151
00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:17,042
A LITTLE LESS TIRED,
THAT'S ALL.
152
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,279
LESS--LESS TIRED?
153
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:22,313
IT WOULDN'T TAKE MUCH.
154
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,648
I LOOK TIRED?
155
00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:24,749
HEY, DOC.
156
00:06:24,751 --> 00:06:26,084
WHAT CAN YOU DO
FOR ME?
157
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,187
OH, MY GOD!
158
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,558
THE SYMMETRY
OF THOSE CHEEKBONES!
159
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,927
THAT CHIN...
THAT AQUILINE NOSE...
160
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:36,962
STOP! IT TICKLES!
161
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:39,096
SURGICALLY SPEAKING,
THIS MAN IS...
162
00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:40,097
PERFECT!
163
00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:41,098
WHAT?
WHAT?
164
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:42,133
BUT LOOK AT HIM!
165
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,936
HIS EYES DON'T EVEN
OPEN ALL THE WAY.
166
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:48,539
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
YOU AND I...
167
00:06:48,541 --> 00:06:50,008
WE COULD BE BROTHERS.
168
00:06:54,681 --> 00:06:55,780
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?
169
00:06:55,782 --> 00:06:57,482
I THINK I'VE FOUND
THE PERFECT EARLOBE.
170
00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:58,749
IS THAT A BEAUT?
171
00:06:58,751 --> 00:06:59,985
HMM.
172
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,486
IS THAT
A DAVID DUCHOVNY?
173
00:07:01,488 --> 00:07:02,520
NO. IT...
174
00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:04,022
IT'S A REGIS PHILBIN.
175
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:06,224
REALLY?
176
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,926
NICE LOBES,
REEGE.
177
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:08,927
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
178
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,196
THIS PLASTIC SURGERY
STUFF, DICK.
179
00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:14,399
I HEARD ABOUT A WOMAN
WHO HAD A FACE-LIFT ONCE.
180
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:16,801
THEY PULLED HER SKIN
SO TIGHT
181
00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:18,436
THAT SHE COULDN'T BLINK.
182
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,539
ONE MORNING,
HER EYES DRIED UP
183
00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:23,575
AND FELL INTO
HER RAISIN BRAN.
184
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:29,180
SHE GOBBLED THEM
RIGHT DOWN WITH THE FLAKES.
185
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,182
WHOA.
186
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:32,349
SO SHE COULD, LIKE,
187
00:07:32,351 --> 00:07:36,454
WATCH HERSELF EATING
HER OWN EYEBALLS?
188
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,590
WHAT A HORRIBLE
TRUE STORY.
189
00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:40,925
HEY, GUYS!
HEY.
190
00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:41,959
WHAT'S GOING ON?
191
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:42,960
OH, WE'RE LOOKING
FOR PERFECT
192
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,028
FACIAL FEATURES
SO DICK CAN SHOW
193
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:45,797
THE DOCTOR WHAT HE
WANTS TO LOOK LIKE.
194
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:46,931
AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS
195
00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:49,467
THAT ALL THE MAGAZINES
THAT CAME OUT THIS MONTH
196
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,303
HAVE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
ON THEIR COVERS.
197
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,872
TALK ABOUT
A COINCIDENCE.
198
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:02,680
HELLO, GENTLEMEN.
199
00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:05,783
OH, IT'S YOU AGAIN.
200
00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:15,059
HELLO THERE.
201
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,166
I NEVER NOTICED HOW
HANDSOME YOUR UNCLE IS.
202
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,168
YEAH, WE KNOW.
WE KNOW.
203
00:08:25,738 --> 00:08:26,804
HEY.
204
00:08:26,806 --> 00:08:28,073
OH, GOOD MORNING,
SALLY.
205
00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:29,107
MORNING.
206
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,908
HOW'D YOU SLEEP?
207
00:08:30,910 --> 00:08:33,577
WHY?
DO I LOOK TIRED?
208
00:08:33,579 --> 00:08:34,879
NO.
209
00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:36,914
THEN WHY ARE YOU
ASKING ME HOW I SLEPT?
210
00:08:36,916 --> 00:08:39,450
'CAUSE IT'S MORNING.
211
00:08:39,452 --> 00:08:41,385
'CAUSE I LOOK
EXHAUSTED?
212
00:08:41,387 --> 00:08:43,288
'CAUSE...
YOU JUST WOKE UP.
213
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:45,423
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO.
214
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:46,725
BUT, SALLY, I--
215
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,126
PLEASE GO.
216
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,197
SALLY, I'M SORRY
217
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:55,233
ABOUT THAT WHOLE
SLEEP THING.
218
00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:58,470
I WAS OUT OF LINE.
219
00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:10,148
OH...
220
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:12,383
NINA...
221
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:16,321
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT AFTER MY SURGERY,
222
00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:19,990
I'M GOING TO BE
DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME.
223
00:09:19,992 --> 00:09:21,559
IT'S GOING TO BE
VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU
224
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,461
TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF
OF ME.
225
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:24,628
OH, REALLY?
226
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:27,165
BUT NO MATTER
HOW GORGEOUS I LOOK,
227
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:30,435
IT'LL STILL BE ME
UNDERNEATH, AND, UH,
228
00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:33,004
I'M STILL NOT
ATTRACTED TO YOU.
229
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,407
AND I JUST
WANT YOU TO KNOW
230
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,243
THAT IF YOU NEVER
CAME OUT OF ANESTHESIA,
231
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,977
THAT THAT WOULD BE
OK WITH ME.
232
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,816
THANK YOU.
THAT IS SO SWEET.
233
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:47,485
YOU'RE ACTUALLY GETTING
PLASTIC SURGERY?
234
00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:48,987
YES, MARY.
235
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:49,988
YEAH. I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THIS
236
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,389
LONG AND HARD--
237
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,457
WELL, NOT LONG,
BUT HARD...
238
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:56,761
NOT EVEN HARD.
239
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:58,329
BUT WHY?
240
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,198
2 WORDS, MARY.
241
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,465
YOU.
242
00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:06,838
ME?
243
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,239
OH, COME ON.
DON'T PLAY DUMB.
244
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,506
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO SAID
245
00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:10,909
YOU WISHED I LOOKED
LIKE HARRISON FORD.
246
00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:12,510
I NEVER SAID THAT!
247
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:14,678
OH, PLEASE!
IF HARRISON FORD AND I
248
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,147
WERE BOTH STANDING
IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW
249
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:17,448
PROFESSING
OUR UNDYING LOVE TO YOU,
250
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,783
WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
251
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,585
DON'T BE SILLY--
WHO?!
252
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:22,787
IS HE DIVORCED?
253
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,021
YOU SEE?
254
00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:26,691
DICK...
255
00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:29,127
THIS IS THE FACE
I FELL IN LOVE WITH,
256
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,430
AND THIS IS THE FACE
I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH.
257
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,201
DO YOU MEAN IT?
258
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,269
I DO.
259
00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:40,571
YEAH. NICE TRY,
ALBRIGHT!
260
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:51,649
ALL RIGHT, DICK,
YOU READY?
261
00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:56,354
GOOD.
262
00:10:57,423 --> 00:10:58,857
HERE WE GO.
263
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:03,060
[HEARTBEAT]
264
00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:11,602
UHH!
UHH!
265
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:17,675
GOOD WORK, TOMMY.
266
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,110
THAT'S EXACTLY
HOW I WANT YOU
267
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:21,546
TO REMOVE THE GAUZE
AFTER MY SURGERY.
268
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:25,282
WAIT A MINUTE.
269
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:27,018
YOU'RE REALLY GONNA
STOP WITH THE FACE?
270
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,019
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
271
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,020
TAKE OFF THE ROBE.
272
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,021
WHAT?
273
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,222
TAKE IT OFF!
274
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:36,060
WHAT IS THAT?
275
00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:37,061
WHAT?
276
00:11:37,063 --> 00:11:39,130
WELL...
FIRST OF ALL,
277
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,931
THIS WHOLE AREA
278
00:11:40,933 --> 00:11:42,633
NEEDS TO BE SUCKED OUT.
279
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:43,901
YOU THINK?
280
00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:45,069
WHO'S THE HANDSOMEST
GUY HERE?
281
00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:46,070
YOU.
282
00:11:46,072 --> 00:11:47,071
ALL RIGHT.
283
00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:48,840
AND, UH...
LET'S NOT FORGET ABOUT
284
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,408
THE PECTORAL IMPLANTS.
285
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,609
MMM. YEAH.
286
00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:54,645
NOW,
SHOULD WE GO IN, UH...
287
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,915
THROUGH THE ARMPITS
OR THE NIPPLES?
288
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:02,287
I'D REMOVE THE NIPPLES.
289
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,288
REMOVE THEM COMPLETELY?
290
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:04,288
IN A SECOND.
291
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:06,091
YEAH, BUT THEN...
292
00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:07,625
I'D SEW 'EM BACK ON...
293
00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:10,395
UP HERE.
294
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:14,932
WELL...THAT'S
NOT A LITTLE HIGH?
295
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:16,734
NO, NO. THEY'LL
EXTEND THE TORSO
296
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,302
AND MAKE THE WHOLE
PACKAGE APPEAR LEANER.
297
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:20,371
I SEE.
298
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:21,372
WELL, IF YOU'RE
GONNA DO THAT,
299
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,274
YOU MIGHT AS WELL
PUT 'EM UP HERE.
300
00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:24,275
ON THE SHOULDERS?
301
00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:25,276
WHY NOT?
302
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,277
I LIKE IT.
303
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,344
THAT'S GOOD.
304
00:12:27,346 --> 00:12:28,412
AND LET'S REMOVE
A COUPLE RIBS, SHALL WE?
305
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:29,413
I HATE MY RIBS.
306
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,883
MMM, YEAH.
OH, AND, UH...
307
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,717
RIGHT ABOUT HERE.
308
00:12:35,521 --> 00:12:36,954
WHAT'S THAT FOR?
309
00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:38,222
THAT'S FOR LATER.
310
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:47,031
UNBELIEVABLE. LOOK
AT ALL THESE MAGAZINES.
311
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:48,566
EVERYTHING
REVOLVES AROUND
312
00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:50,201
THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
313
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:51,836
THEY HAVE IT ALL.
I MEAN...
314
00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:53,704
HOW ARE THE REST OF US
SUPPOSED TO COMPETE?
315
00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:56,140
WELL, YOU GOT A BIG HUNK
OF CELERY IN YOUR TEETH,
316
00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:57,508
AND THAT WON'T HELP.
317
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:58,509
THANKS.
318
00:12:58,511 --> 00:12:59,677
LOOK AT THIS.
319
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:02,146
EVERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
IS WITH A BEAUTIFUL GUY.
320
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:03,314
YEAH, WE DO
TEND TO GRAVITATE
321
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,483
TO OUR OWN KIND.
322
00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:09,820
MAN, HOW DID
A GORGEOUS GUY LIKE DON
323
00:13:09,822 --> 00:13:13,057
END UP WITH
A DOUBLE-BAGGER LIKE ME?
324
00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:16,027
IT'S A BRAIN-TEASER.
325
00:13:17,263 --> 00:13:18,763
IT'S WRONG.
326
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:21,198
IT IS WRONG, HARRY.
327
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,199
I MEAN, THIS--
328
00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:25,003
THIS IS THE LIFE
DON SHOULD BE LIVING.
329
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,070
HE SHOULD BE THE DUDE
330
00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:28,172
WITH THE HOT BABE
ON HIS SHOULDERS,
331
00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:30,008
AND HE SHOULD BE
ON THE JET-SKI
332
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:32,710
WITH A MENTHOL CIGARETTE
IN HIS MOUTH...
333
00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:34,812
BUT HE'S NOT.
334
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,715
BECAUSE
I'M DRAGGIN' HIM DOWN.
335
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:40,518
I'M DRAGGIN'
MY BEAUTIFUL DONNY DOWN.
336
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,187
MMM. YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T
WANT TO SAY ANYTHING,
337
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:44,022
BUT YOU TOTALLY ARE.
338
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:47,258
THANKS, HARRY.
339
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,726
NOW I KNOW
WHAT TO DO.
340
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:51,895
MM-HMM. ALL RIGHT,
WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.
341
00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:54,265
WELL, HELLO.
342
00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:07,311
DICK, BE READY FOR YOU
IN A FEW MINUTES.
343
00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:08,379
ARE YOU NERVOUS?
344
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,080
WELL, A LITTLE.
345
00:14:10,082 --> 00:14:11,182
DON'T BE.
346
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,351
PLASTIC SURGERY IS GOING
TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE.
347
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:14,351
IT DID MINE.
348
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:15,752
YOU HAD PLASTIC SURGERY?
349
00:14:15,754 --> 00:14:17,821
OH, NO.
350
00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:20,391
BUT IT DID
BUY ME A YACHT.
351
00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:26,263
WELL, OLD FACE,
352
00:14:26,265 --> 00:14:29,266
THIS IS THE LAST TIME
I'LL BE SEEING YOU.
353
00:14:29,268 --> 00:14:30,368
I'D SAY GOOD-BYE,
354
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,037
BUT GOOD RIDDANCE
IS MORE LIKE IT.
355
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:35,272
HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.
LOOK AT THIS FOREHEAD.
356
00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:37,041
ALL MOTTLED AND WRINKLED
357
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:40,677
FROM YEARS OF TORTURED
THOUGHTS AND...
358
00:14:40,679 --> 00:14:43,714
AND GENTLE RUMINATIONS.
359
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:46,217
I'M CERTAINLY
NOT GOING TO MISS THAT.
360
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,920
OR THIS CHIN,
FOR THAT MATTER,
361
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:49,921
ALL SCRATCHED AND SCARRED
362
00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:52,290
FROM SHAVING IN A RUSH
SO OFTEN,
363
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:55,159
TRYING TO GET
TO WORK ON TIME OR...
364
00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:57,828
OR TO MARY'S HOUSE...
365
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,063
TO PICK HER UP
FOR A DATE.
366
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:00,764
I REMEMBER THIS ONE.
367
00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:04,001
I WAS RUSHING OFF
TO TAKE HER ON A PICNIC.
368
00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:06,570
IT STARTED TO RAIN,
369
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,005
SO WE HAD TO EAT
WET TUNA SANDWICHES
370
00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:10,341
IN AN OUTHOUSE.
371
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:14,412
THAT WAS SO NICE.
372
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,480
SO, GOOD-BYE, OLD CHIN.
373
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:18,749
YOU'LL BE FACING
THE LASER SOON.
374
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:22,320
AND GOOD-BYE TO YOU,
OLD NOSE.
375
00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:24,822
AND TAKE CARE, OLD EARS.
376
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:28,058
AND YOU, TOO, OLD LIPS.
377
00:15:29,863 --> 00:15:33,030
AND TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELVES...EYES.
378
00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:38,035
OH, MY GOD.
379
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:39,237
WHAT AM I DOING?
380
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:42,874
ALL RIGHT, DICK,
WE'RE READY FOR YOU NOW.
381
00:15:42,876 --> 00:15:44,475
WELL, WE'RE
NOT READY FOR YOU!
382
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:45,476
WHAT?
383
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,311
I'M NOT GONNA
CHANGE THIS FACE!
384
00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:48,512
THIS FACE IS A SCRAPBOOK
385
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:51,882
DEDICATED TO WHO I AM,
DAMN IT!
386
00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:54,819
AND, BY GOD,
I'M GORGEOUS!
387
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,356
NO! YOU'RE NOT!
388
00:15:58,358 --> 00:15:59,823
SCREW YOU!
389
00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:08,165
[IMITATING AIRPLANE]
390
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,569
DON!
391
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,374
HEY, SALLY.
392
00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:17,975
CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A SECOND?
393
00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:23,347
SURE.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
394
00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:24,548
I THINK YOU KNOW.
395
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,383
I THINK YOU'VE KNOWN
FOR A LONG TIME.
396
00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:31,555
I REALLY DON'T.
397
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:34,191
COME ON, DON.
STOP PRETENDING.
398
00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:35,259
YOU AND I BOTH KNOW
399
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:36,994
THAT A RELATIONSHIP
CANNOT LAST
400
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,397
WHEN ONE OF THE PEOPLE
LOOKS LIKE ME...
401
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:41,098
AND THE OTHER
LOOKS LIKE YOU.
402
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:44,769
DAMN IT! I KNEW ONE DAY
YOU'D WAKE UP
403
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:46,904
AND REALIZE
WHAT WAS GOIN' ON.
404
00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:48,573
DON'T KICK YOURSELF, DONNY.
405
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:49,907
WE GAVE IT
OUR BEST SHOT.
406
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:52,009
I THOUGHT WE WERE
BEYOND LOOKS, SALLY.
407
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,678
COME ON, DON.
LOOK AT YOU.
408
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,247
HOW COULD WE
GET BEYOND THAT?
409
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,854
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
410
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:05,056
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
411
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:08,592
I APPRECIATE
YOUR KINDNESS.
412
00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:10,461
NOT MANY MEN
WOULD HANG IN THERE
413
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,598
WITH A GAL
AS UNATTRACTIVE AS ME.
414
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:14,865
WHAT?
415
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:18,703
DON'T MAKE ME
SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU, DON.
416
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,104
I KNOW I'M AS UGLY
AS THEY COME.
417
00:17:20,106 --> 00:17:22,373
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW
YOU CAN STAND TO LOOK AT ME.
418
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:36,621
WELL, SALLY,
I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YA.
419
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:38,789
IT'S BEEN HARD.
420
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:41,259
IT'S BEEN
A REAL STRUGGLE.
421
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:42,726
AND GRANTED,
WE'LL CONTINUE TO GET
422
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,362
STARES OUT IN PUBLIC,
423
00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:48,432
BUT...THAT'S A PRICE
I'M WILLING TO PAY...
424
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:50,367
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
425
00:17:56,041 --> 00:17:57,107
OH, DONNY!
426
00:17:57,109 --> 00:17:58,108
OH, HO HO!
427
00:17:58,110 --> 00:18:00,711
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
428
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:10,054
WELL, MARY,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
429
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,755
YOU DIDN'T GET ANYTHING DONE.
430
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:14,458
NO. LOOK, MARY,
I KNOW HOW MUCH
431
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:16,560
YOU WANTED ME
TO HAVE THAT SURGERY.
432
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:17,828
I NEVER WANTED YOU--
433
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:18,962
NO, NO!
434
00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:21,965
BUT WHEN I GOT IN THERE,
I REALIZED THIS FACE...
435
00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:23,467
IS MY FACE!
436
00:18:23,469 --> 00:18:25,803
IT'S LIKE A MUSEUM
OF MY LIFE,
437
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,738
ESPECIALLY
MY LIFE WITH YOU.
438
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:28,806
SO, IF YOU'VE GROWN
TIRED
439
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:32,209
OF THIS DUSTY,
DRAFTY OLD MUSEUM,
440
00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:35,480
MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST
GO TO THE GUGGENHEIM.
441
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:38,382
OH, DICK, DICK...
442
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:39,950
I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
443
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,519
I'VE BEEN THERE MYSELF.
444
00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:42,986
YOU HAVE?
445
00:18:42,988 --> 00:18:45,222
YES,
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
446
00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:47,124
A FEW YEARS AGO, I--
447
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,627
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
HAVING SOME WORK DONE ON...
448
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,395
MY NOSE.
449
00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:52,896
YOUR NOSE?
450
00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:54,765
YES, I THOUGHT IF IT
WAS JUST A LITTLE LONGER--
451
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:57,368
NO, NO,
BUT I LOVE YOUR NOSE.
452
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:58,702
YOU DO?
453
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:01,705
THE WAY IT SCRUNCHES UP
WHEN YOU SMILE.
454
00:19:01,707 --> 00:19:03,941
IT REALLY DOES?
455
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,876
AND THOSE EARS...
456
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:10,414
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
LET ME NIBBLE ON THEM.
457
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:12,984
I KINDA LIKE THAT, TOO.
458
00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:15,987
AND THOSE EYES...
459
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,322
LIKE 2 CLEAR
BLUE WINDOWS
460
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:21,625
INTO THE DEEPEST SOUL
I'VE EVER KNOWN.
461
00:19:21,627 --> 00:19:24,227
OH, DICK.
462
00:19:24,229 --> 00:19:28,198
OH, MARY.
463
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,199
SORRY ABOUT THE LIGHTS.
464
00:19:29,201 --> 00:19:30,367
MY COFFEE MAKER
BLEW A CIRCUIT.
465
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:32,570
I'M GOING TO CHECK
THE BREAKER.
466
00:19:38,544 --> 00:19:41,078
MY GOD,
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
467
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,379
SO ARE YOU.
468
00:19:42,381 --> 00:19:44,315
YEAH, I KNOW.
469
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:52,856
YOU KNOW, THEY
SAY THAT BEAUTY IS IN
470
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,625
THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER,
471
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:55,660
WHEN IN REALITY,
472
00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:59,196
IT'S IN THE EYE
OF THE BEHOLDEE.
473
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,331
WELL,
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
474
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:01,399
IF I THINK
I'M ATTRACTIVE,
475
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:02,399
I ACTUALLY AM?
476
00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:04,635
NO, TOMMY, NOT YOU. ME.
477
00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:08,305
NOT YOU. MM-MMM.
478
00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:10,440
YOU KNOW
WHAT I REALIZED?
479
00:20:10,442 --> 00:20:12,943
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT
WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
480
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:16,447
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS
WHO YOU ARE ON THE INSIDE.
481
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,950
[LAUGHING]
482
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:21,919
THAT'S HILARIOUS!
483
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,020
WHERE'D YOU
HEAR THAT, LENO?
484
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:25,155
NO, NO, I MADE IT UP
MYSELF. I SWEAR!
485
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,557
YOU SHOULD WRITE
FOR LENO.
486
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,459
I KNOW!
487
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:30,928
[COLLECTIVE SIGH]
488
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:35,666
WELL, I, FOR ONE,
AM TIRED OF BEING HANDSOME.
489
00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:37,434
YOU KNOW, ALL PEOPLE SEE
WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME
490
00:20:37,436 --> 00:20:38,736
IS A PRETTY FACE,
491
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:39,737
AND THEN THEY END UP
TREATING ME
492
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,738
LIKE I'M AN IDIOT.
493
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:44,141
YOU ARE
AN IDIOT.
494
00:20:44,143 --> 00:20:46,577
SEE? THAT'S WHAT I'M
TALKIN' ABOUT. FORGET IT.
495
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,578
I'M NOT GONNA
BE HANDSOME ANYMORE.
496
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:50,747
YOU CAN'T JUST STOP
BEING HANDSOME, HARRY.
497
00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:52,483
OH, NO?
33680
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