Original subtitles

[SNIGGERING]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

LOOK AT THE COVER

OF THIS RIDICULOUS MAGAZINE.

HARRISON FORD.

OOH. LET ME SEE THAT.

THEY'RE CALLING THIS UGLY NERD

THE SEXIEST MAN ON EARTH.

WELL, HE IS.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU ACTUALLY THINK HE'S SEXY?

I WOULDN'T KICK HIM OUT OF BED.

I WOULD.

HE'S GOT TO GO OUT AND WORK

AND SUPPORT ME AND THE KIDS.

OH, COME ON! I'M SEXIER THAN HE IS.

ABSOLUTELY. HA HA HA!

EXCUSE ME.

HA HA HA!

WELL, AT LEAST YOU THINK

I'M SEXIER THAN HE IS, MARY.

HUH?

DON'T YOU?

OH, COME ON, DICK. YOU'RE SEXY, BUT...

YOU'RE NO HARRISON FORD.

I AM TOO HARRISON FORD!

OH, DICK...

WELL, I AM!

I HAVE TO GET TO CLASS.

HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY

HARRISON FORD IS SEXIER THAN I AM?

I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE HE'S GOT THOSE

INCREDIBLE CHEEKBONES

AND THAT PERFECTLY CHISELED JAW...

AND THOSE PENETRATING BROWN EYES...

THAT YOU COULD ALMOST...

LOSE YOURSELF IN...

IF YOU STARE AT THEM...

LONG ENOUGH...

WHOA!

BUT I LOVE YOU.

SEE YOU, DICK.

OH, MY GOD!

I'M HIDEOUS!

OK, FINE. LIGHTS.

ANY QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, ANYONE?

ABOUT WHAT, DR. SOLOMON?

WE'VE BEEN SITTING IN THE DARK FOR 10 MINUTES.

YOU HAVEN'T SHOWED US A THING.

I'VE BEEN SHOWING YOU MY FACE.

WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE THINK OF MY FACE?

ANYONE? UH, HOW ABOUT YOU, BUG?

WHA...EXCUSE ME, SIR. YOUR, UH, YOUR WHAT?

MY FACE!

MY FACE. DO YOU FIND IT APPEALING

IN AN INCREDIBLY HANDSOME,

SEXIEST-MAN-ON-EARTH SORT OF WAY?

YOU'RE SORT OF NOT MY TYPE.

HOW ABOUT YOU, PITMAN? DO YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?

I'M SORRY, DR. SOLOMON.

THE LAST TIME I ANSWERED THAT QUESTION IN SCHOOL,

ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, AND THEN MY BIOLOGY TEACHER

WOUND UP ASKING ME TO KILL HER HUSBAND.

EH, EH, LEON,

YOU'LL GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER.

ME?

WELL, UH...DR. SOLOMON,

I'VE ALWAYS FOUND HIGH CHEEKBONES

TO BE VERY ATTRACTIVE.

LIKE MINE?

ACTUALLY, MORE LIKE PITMAN'S.

WHAT?

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?

UH, DR. SOLOMON...

LOOKS ARE VERY SUBJECTIVE.

WELL, IS THAT YOUR SUBTLE WAY

OF TELLING ME

THAT YOU THINK I'M HOT?

NO.

OH, YEAH? WELL, YOU'RE NOT SO PRETTY YOURSELF!

...HARRISON FORD.

WHAT'S WITH THE LONG FACE?

LOOK, THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S SHAPED.

I CAN'T HELP IT, OK?

WHOA. WHAT'S YANKING YOUR PONYTAIL?

I JUST DON'T GET IT.

HARRISON FORD AND I HAVE ALL THE SAME PARTS:

2 EYES, 2 EARS, A NOSE, AND A MOUTH.

HOW COME THEY LOOK SO MUCH BETTER ON HIM?

WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU COULD ALWAYS DO

A LITTLE SNIP-SNIP JOB.

IF YOU'RE SUGGESTING THAT I KIDNAP SOMEONE,

CUT OFF HIS FACE,

AND GLUE IT ONTO MY OWN, DON'T.

BECAUSE THAT NEVER LOOKS AS GOOD AS IT SHOULD.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT PLASTIC SURGERY.

YEAH. YOU KNOW, 10 YEARS AGO

I HAD MY BOOBS DONE.

YOU DID?

REDUCED 3 SIZES.

PLASTIC SURGERY.

OF COURSE!

WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO WALK AROUND

LOOKING LIKE A DRAB LUMP OF CLAY

WHEN I CAN PAY SOMEONE TO...CHISEL ME

INTO A PERFECT HUMAN SCULPTURE?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET

YOUR BOOBS DONE, ARE YOU?

I JUST MIGHT!

THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

IF EVERYONE CAN JUST PAY

TO BE GOOD-LOOKING,

IT TOTALLY CHEAPENS THINGS

FOR THOSE OF US

WHO ARE NATURALLY EXQUISITE.

NATURAL? THERE'S NOTHING NATURAL ABOUT YOU.

YOU PICKED YOUR BODY OUT OF A CATALOG.

MINE CAME WITH A FREE TOTE BAG.

HEY...LOOK...

THE LITTLE HAND IS PICKING DICK'S NOSE.

NOW CUT IT OUT!

OK,

I'M SORRY I HAD TO STEP OUT.

I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A TATTOO REMOVAL.

APPARENTLY, THIS GENTLEMAN HAS STOPPED LOVING HIS MOM.

OK. NOW LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO

WITH...YOUR FACE.

YEAH. CAN I SEE HOW I'D LOOK WITH A BIGGER CHIN?

OF COURSE.

BUT WITH A BIGGER CHIN,

I'D NEED A BIGGER NOSE, RIGHT?

WELL...

OK.

WHY STOP THERE? MAKE MY EARS BIGGER.

YOUR EARS.

NO, BIGGER. EVEN BIGGER.

NO, LIKE AN ELEPHANT. BIGGER! EVEN BIGGER!

DICK, DICK, DICK, DICK.

SHH. CALM DOWN. SIT DOWN.

I'M SORRY, DOCTOR. HE'S JUST A LITTLE OVEREXCITED

ABOUT THE IDEA OF... LOOKING BETTER.

HA! WELL, HE SHOULD BE, AND, UH...

SO SHOULD YOU.

OH, I'M NOT GETTING ANYTHING DONE.

YOU'RE NOT?

OH, I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

HAVE YOU SEEN ME?

I DON'T NEED ANYTHING DONE.

I COULD MAKE YOU LOOK

A LITTLE LESS TIRED, THAT'S ALL.

LESS--LESS TIRED?

IT WOULDN'T TAKE MUCH.

I LOOK TIRED?

HEY, DOC.

WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME?

OH, MY GOD!

THE SYMMETRY OF THOSE CHEEKBONES!

THAT CHIN... THAT AQUILINE NOSE...

STOP! IT TICKLES!

SURGICALLY SPEAKING, THIS MAN IS...

PERFECT!

WHAT? WHAT?

BUT LOOK AT HIM!

HIS EYES DON'T EVEN OPEN ALL THE WAY.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU AND I...

WE COULD BE BROTHERS.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?

I THINK I'VE FOUND THE PERFECT EARLOBE.

IS THAT A BEAUT?

HMM.

IS THAT A DAVID DUCHOVNY?

NO. IT...

IT'S A REGIS PHILBIN.

REALLY?

NICE LOBES, REEGE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT

THIS PLASTIC SURGERY STUFF, DICK.

I HEARD ABOUT A WOMAN WHO HAD A FACE-LIFT ONCE.

THEY PULLED HER SKIN SO TIGHT

THAT SHE COULDN'T BLINK.

ONE MORNING, HER EYES DRIED UP

AND FELL INTO HER RAISIN BRAN.

SHE GOBBLED THEM RIGHT DOWN WITH THE FLAKES.

WHOA.

SO SHE COULD, LIKE,

WATCH HERSELF EATING HER OWN EYEBALLS?

WHAT A HORRIBLE TRUE STORY.

HEY, GUYS! HEY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, WE'RE LOOKING FOR PERFECT

FACIAL FEATURES SO DICK CAN SHOW

THE DOCTOR WHAT HE WANTS TO LOOK LIKE.

AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS

THAT ALL THE MAGAZINES THAT CAME OUT THIS MONTH

HAVE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ON THEIR COVERS.

TALK ABOUT A COINCIDENCE.

HELLO, GENTLEMEN.

OH, IT'S YOU AGAIN.

HELLO THERE.

I NEVER NOTICED HOW HANDSOME YOUR UNCLE IS.

YEAH, WE KNOW. WE KNOW.

HEY.

OH, GOOD MORNING, SALLY.

MORNING.

HOW'D YOU SLEEP?

WHY? DO I LOOK TIRED?

NO.

THEN WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME HOW I SLEPT?

'CAUSE IT'S MORNING.

'CAUSE I LOOK EXHAUSTED?

'CAUSE... YOU JUST WOKE UP.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO.

BUT, SALLY, I--

PLEASE GO.

SALLY, I'M SORRY

ABOUT THAT WHOLE SLEEP THING.

I WAS OUT OF LINE.

OH...

NINA...

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT AFTER MY SURGERY,

I'M GOING TO BE DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME.

IT'S GOING TO BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU

TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME.

OH, REALLY?

BUT NO MATTER HOW GORGEOUS I LOOK,

IT'LL STILL BE ME UNDERNEATH, AND, UH,

I'M STILL NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU.

AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT IF YOU NEVER CAME OUT OF ANESTHESIA,

THAT THAT WOULD BE OK WITH ME.

THANK YOU. THAT IS SO SWEET.

YOU'RE ACTUALLY GETTING PLASTIC SURGERY?

YES, MARY.

YEAH. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS

LONG AND HARD--

WELL, NOT LONG, BUT HARD...

NOT EVEN HARD.

BUT WHY?

2 WORDS, MARY.

YOU.

ME?

OH, COME ON. DON'T PLAY DUMB.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID

YOU WISHED I LOOKED LIKE HARRISON FORD.

I NEVER SAID THAT!

OH, PLEASE! IF HARRISON FORD AND I

WERE BOTH STANDING IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW

PROFESSING OUR UNDYING LOVE TO YOU,

WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

DON'T BE SILLY-- WHO?!

IS HE DIVORCED?

YOU SEE?

DICK...

THIS IS THE FACE I FELL IN LOVE WITH,

AND THIS IS THE FACE I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH.

DO YOU MEAN IT?

I DO.

YEAH. NICE TRY, ALBRIGHT!

ALL RIGHT, DICK, YOU READY?

GOOD.

HERE WE GO.

[HEARTBEAT]

UHH! UHH!

GOOD WORK, TOMMY.

THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I WANT YOU

TO REMOVE THE GAUZE AFTER MY SURGERY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE REALLY GONNA STOP WITH THE FACE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

TAKE OFF THE ROBE.

WHAT?

TAKE IT OFF!

WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT?

WELL... FIRST OF ALL,

THIS WHOLE AREA

NEEDS TO BE SUCKED OUT.

YOU THINK?

WHO'S THE HANDSOMEST GUY HERE?

YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

AND, UH... LET'S NOT FORGET ABOUT

THE PECTORAL IMPLANTS.

MMM. YEAH.

NOW, SHOULD WE GO IN, UH...

THROUGH THE ARMPITS OR THE NIPPLES?

I'D REMOVE THE NIPPLES.

REMOVE THEM COMPLETELY?

IN A SECOND.

YEAH, BUT THEN...

I'D SEW 'EM BACK ON...

UP HERE.

WELL...THAT'S NOT A LITTLE HIGH?

NO, NO. THEY'LL EXTEND THE TORSO

AND MAKE THE WHOLE PACKAGE APPEAR LEANER.

I SEE.

WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL PUT 'EM UP HERE.

ON THE SHOULDERS?

WHY NOT?

I LIKE IT.

THAT'S GOOD.

AND LET'S REMOVE A COUPLE RIBS, SHALL WE?

I HATE MY RIBS.

MMM, YEAH. OH, AND, UH...

RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

WHAT'S THAT FOR?

THAT'S FOR LATER.

UNBELIEVABLE. LOOK AT ALL THESE MAGAZINES.

EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND

THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

THEY HAVE IT ALL. I MEAN...

HOW ARE THE REST OF US SUPPOSED TO COMPETE?

WELL, YOU GOT A BIG HUNK OF CELERY IN YOUR TEETH,

AND THAT WON'T HELP.

THANKS.

LOOK AT THIS.

EVERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IS WITH A BEAUTIFUL GUY.

YEAH, WE DO TEND TO GRAVITATE

TO OUR OWN KIND.

MAN, HOW DID A GORGEOUS GUY LIKE DON

END UP WITH A DOUBLE-BAGGER LIKE ME?

IT'S A BRAIN-TEASER.

IT'S WRONG.

IT IS WRONG, HARRY.

I MEAN, THIS--

THIS IS THE LIFE DON SHOULD BE LIVING.

HE SHOULD BE THE DUDE

WITH THE HOT BABE ON HIS SHOULDERS,

AND HE SHOULD BE ON THE JET-SKI

WITH A MENTHOL CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH...

BUT HE'S NOT.

BECAUSE I'M DRAGGIN' HIM DOWN.

I'M DRAGGIN' MY BEAUTIFUL DONNY DOWN.

MMM. YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING,

BUT YOU TOTALLY ARE.

THANKS, HARRY.

NOW I KNOW WHAT TO DO.

MM-HMM. ALL RIGHT, WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.

WELL, HELLO.

DICK, BE READY FOR YOU IN A FEW MINUTES.

ARE YOU NERVOUS?

WELL, A LITTLE.

DON'T BE.

PLASTIC SURGERY IS GOING TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE.

IT DID MINE.

YOU HAD PLASTIC SURGERY?

OH, NO.

BUT IT DID BUY ME A YACHT.

WELL, OLD FACE,

THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'LL BE SEEING YOU.

I'D SAY GOOD-BYE,

BUT GOOD RIDDANCE IS MORE LIKE IT.

HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH. LOOK AT THIS FOREHEAD.

ALL MOTTLED AND WRINKLED

FROM YEARS OF TORTURED THOUGHTS AND...

AND GENTLE RUMINATIONS.

I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO MISS THAT.

OR THIS CHIN, FOR THAT MATTER,

ALL SCRATCHED AND SCARRED

FROM SHAVING IN A RUSH SO OFTEN,

TRYING TO GET TO WORK ON TIME OR...

OR TO MARY'S HOUSE...

TO PICK HER UP FOR A DATE.

I REMEMBER THIS ONE.

I WAS RUSHING OFF TO TAKE HER ON A PICNIC.

IT STARTED TO RAIN,

SO WE HAD TO EAT WET TUNA SANDWICHES

IN AN OUTHOUSE.

THAT WAS SO NICE.

SO, GOOD-BYE, OLD CHIN.

YOU'LL BE FACING THE LASER SOON.

AND GOOD-BYE TO YOU, OLD NOSE.

AND TAKE CARE, OLD EARS.

AND YOU, TOO, OLD LIPS.

AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES...EYES.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT AM I DOING?

ALL RIGHT, DICK, WE'RE READY FOR YOU NOW.

WELL, WE'RE NOT READY FOR YOU!

WHAT?

I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE THIS FACE!

THIS FACE IS A SCRAPBOOK

DEDICATED TO WHO I AM, DAMN IT!

AND, BY GOD, I'M GORGEOUS!

NO! YOU'RE NOT!

SCREW YOU!

[IMITATING AIRPLANE]

DON!

HEY, SALLY.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

SURE. WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

I THINK YOU KNOW.

I THINK YOU'VE KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME.

I REALLY DON'T.

COME ON, DON. STOP PRETENDING.

YOU AND I BOTH KNOW

THAT A RELATIONSHIP CANNOT LAST

WHEN ONE OF THE PEOPLE LOOKS LIKE ME...

AND THE OTHER LOOKS LIKE YOU.

DAMN IT! I KNEW ONE DAY YOU'D WAKE UP

AND REALIZE WHAT WAS GOIN' ON.

DON'T KICK YOURSELF, DONNY.

WE GAVE IT OUR BEST SHOT.

I THOUGHT WE WERE BEYOND LOOKS, SALLY.

COME ON, DON. LOOK AT YOU.

HOW COULD WE GET BEYOND THAT?

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I APPRECIATE YOUR KINDNESS.

NOT MANY MEN WOULD HANG IN THERE

WITH A GAL AS UNATTRACTIVE AS ME.

WHAT?

DON'T MAKE ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU, DON.

I KNOW I'M AS UGLY AS THEY COME.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU CAN STAND TO LOOK AT ME.

WELL, SALLY, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YA.

IT'S BEEN HARD.

IT'S BEEN A REAL STRUGGLE.

AND GRANTED, WE'LL CONTINUE TO GET

STARES OUT IN PUBLIC,

BUT...THAT'S A PRICE I'M WILLING TO PAY...

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

OH, DONNY!

OH, HO HO!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

WELL, MARY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU DIDN'T GET ANYTHING DONE.

NO. LOOK, MARY, I KNOW HOW MUCH

YOU WANTED ME TO HAVE THAT SURGERY.

I NEVER WANTED YOU--

NO, NO!

BUT WHEN I GOT IN THERE, I REALIZED THIS FACE...

IS MY FACE!

IT'S LIKE A MUSEUM OF MY LIFE,

ESPECIALLY MY LIFE WITH YOU.

SO, IF YOU'VE GROWN TIRED

OF THIS DUSTY, DRAFTY OLD MUSEUM,

MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST GO TO THE GUGGENHEIM.

OH, DICK, DICK...

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.

I'VE BEEN THERE MYSELF.

YOU HAVE?

YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT,

A FEW YEARS AGO, I--

I WAS THINKING ABOUT HAVING SOME WORK DONE ON...

MY NOSE.

YOUR NOSE?

YES, I THOUGHT IF IT WAS JUST A LITTLE LONGER--

NO, NO, BUT I LOVE YOUR NOSE.

YOU DO?

THE WAY IT SCRUNCHES UP WHEN YOU SMILE.

IT REALLY DOES?

AND THOSE EARS...

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU LET ME NIBBLE ON THEM.

I KINDA LIKE THAT, TOO.

AND THOSE EYES...

LIKE 2 CLEAR BLUE WINDOWS

INTO THE DEEPEST SOUL I'VE EVER KNOWN.

OH, DICK.

OH, MARY.

SORRY ABOUT THE LIGHTS.

MY COFFEE MAKER BLEW A CIRCUIT.

I'M GOING TO CHECK THE BREAKER.

MY GOD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

SO ARE YOU.

YEAH, I KNOW.

YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THAT BEAUTY IS IN

THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER,

WHEN IN REALITY,

IT'S IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDEE.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

IF I THINK I'M ATTRACTIVE,

I ACTUALLY AM?

NO, TOMMY, NOT YOU. ME.

NOT YOU. MM-MMM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZED?

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS WHO YOU ARE ON THE INSIDE.

[LAUGHING]

THAT'S HILARIOUS!

WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT, LENO?

NO, NO, I MADE IT UP MYSELF. I SWEAR!

YOU SHOULD WRITE FOR LENO.

I KNOW!

[COLLECTIVE SIGH]

WELL, I, FOR ONE, AM TIRED OF BEING HANDSOME.

YOU KNOW, ALL PEOPLE SEE WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME

IS A PRETTY FACE,

AND THEN THEY END UP TREATING ME

LIKE I'M AN IDIOT.

YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

SEE? THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT. FORGET IT.

I'M NOT GONNA BE HANDSOME ANYMORE.

YOU CAN'T JUST STOP BEING HANDSOME, HARRY.

OH, NO?