Original subtitles

[BEEPING]

WHAT'S WITH THE BEEPER?

OH, I JUST GOT IT.

MY PARENTS AREN'T GETTING ANY YOUNGER,

AND I FEEL A LITTLE SAFER KNOWING THAT THEY CAN REACH ME.

JUST BEING A GOOD DAUGHTER.

IF ANYTHING, I AM A GOOD DAUGHTER.

AREN'T YOU GONNA CALL BACK?

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

OH, NINA, GOOD.

I NEED MY GRADE REPORTS BY TOMORROW MORNING,

OR THE REGISTRAR IS GONNA USE MY ASS AS A TETHERBALL.

I GOTTA RUN. I LEFT THE REPORTS ON YOUR COMPUTER.

I DON'T SEE THEM.

THEY'RE ON YOUR COMPUTER.

NINA, DON'T JERK ME AROUND.

I THINK WHAT SHE MEANS IS THAT THE GRADES

MIGHT ACTUALLY BE IN THE COMPUTER.

YES, MOM, I KNOW.

3 FOR A DOLLAR IS A GREAT PRICE FOR CRENSHAW MELONS.

YOU KNOW, I GOT THIS BEEPER FOR EMERGENCIES.

YEAH, I KNOW THEY'RE GONNA GO FAST.

I'LL JUST HAVE TO RISK IT.

GOOD-BYE.

HOW AM I GONNA GET MY GRADES OUT OF THIS?

THEY'RE NOT ON THE DISK?

THE DISK?

OH, MY GOD.

YOU KNOW, IN 3 YEARS, I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU USE YOUR COMPUTER.

IT'S YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET, ISN'T IT?

YOU'RE A PHYSICS PROFESSOR WHO'S COMPUTER ILLITERATE.

I AM NOT.

WELL, FINE, FINE.

BUT IF YOU EVER NEED MY HELP,

I...AN ANTHROPOLOGY PROFESSOR,

WILL TEACH YOU...

A PHYSICS PROFESSOR...

HOW TO OPEN A FILE WITH YOUR MOUSE.

HA HA HA!

COMPUTER, ACTIVATE NOW.

OH.

OH HO, SILLY ME.

IT'S JAPANESE.

[CLEARS THROAT]

IMA KUMPUTA HAJIMATE!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS

AND THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

INTERESTING HAIR.

NO, I THINK THAT'S A HAT.

NO, I DON'T THINK A COW WOULD WEAR A HAT.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST GET A NEW TV?

WHA...

NEW TV?

CAN WE-- CAN WE DO THAT?

YEAH.

MY GOD, THAT'S BRILLIANT!

THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND.

HARRY.

OHHH!

OHHH! IT'S BLUE!

IT'S BLUE!

OH, MY GOD. WE'RE PREGNANT!

I AM THE MAN!

HARRY!

I JUST HAS A BLUE ICY POP.

OHH.

WELL, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M NOT THE MAN.

HONEY, YOU WILL BE THE MAN.

WE'RE GOING TO A SPECIALIST

TO MAKE SURE ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

OK, THAT'S MY CUE.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

GET IT... AND GET IT. HA!

TOMMY, AREN'T YOU GONNA GO WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

NO, I WAS JUST GONNA STAY HERE AND WATCH.

THIS IS GROWN-UP STUFF. GET OUT OF HERE!

GET IT, HA! GET IT!

DICK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I-I'M JUST, UH, WORKING ON MY COMPUTER.

IT'S NOT EVEN ON.

YES, IT IS.

NO, IT'S NOT.

YEAH, I-IT'S JUST, UH, WARMING UP.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A COMPUTER!

SHUT UP!

OH, HE HAS NO IDEA!

I AM A SUPERIOR BEING.

I CAME TO EARTH ON A SPACESHIP

THAT COULD FIT IN MY PANTS.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH TECHNOLOGY SO BACKWARDS

IT CAN'T EVEN READ YOUR THOUGHT WAVES?

MISS...

YOU HAVE A VERY RARE CONDITION

WHICH CAN ONLY BE CURED

BY GETTIN' NAKED.

WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

HARRY, THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

I GOTTA BE SURE THAT EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT.

HI, I'M DR. HOWARD.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET PREGNANT.

OH, BOY, WE SURE HAVE.

FOR A WHOLE MONTH.

IT'S BEEN THE GREATEST MONTH OF MY LIFE.

WELL, A MONTH, THAT'S A LITTLE EARLY TO PANIC.

BUT...

IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE DOING ANYTHING ELSE.

WELL,

IF IT'LL GIVE YOU SOME PEACE OF MIND,

WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE LOOK-SEE.

SEE, THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM IS A VERY COMPLEX PIECE OF MACHINERY.

OK.

YOU SEE THIS, HARRY? THIS IS YOUR URETHRA.

OH!

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT PICTURE?!

IT'S NOT REALLY YOURS.

PROBABLY SOME...

FANCY MALE MODEL, ISN'T IT?

SURE.

HELLO. MAY I HELP YOU?

YES. I AM QUITE LIVID!

I PURCHASED THIS COMPUTER HERE 2 WEEKS AGO,

AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH IT. IT'S BROKEN.

WE HAVEN'T SOLD THIS MACHINE HERE FOR 6 YEARS.

FINE, FINE. I'LL JUST TAKE STORE CREDIT, THEN.

THIS IS STAMPED "PROPERTY OF PENDLETON UNIVERSITY."

YOU HAVE SOLD ME STOLEN GOODS?

HOW DARE YOU!

YOU DID NOT BUY THIS COMPUTER HERE.

YOU ARE LYING.

YOU ARE A LIAR.

I THOUGHT THE CUSTOMER WAS ALWAYS RIGHT.

THAT'S SO CLEAR.

YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE WHERE THIS GUY ENDS AND THIS GUY STARTS.

OH, WHOA, THIS ONE'S EVEN BETTER.

OH, YEAH!

BUT IT PALES IN COMPARISON TO THIS...

MASTERPIECE!

TOMMY.

HUH?

SWEET MOTHER!

BOTH: THERE'S A PICTURE IN THAT PICTURE!

OH, MY GOD, IT'S SO LITTLE.

I COULD JUST SIT DOWN AND REST IT RIGHT HERE ON MY, UH...

UH, THIGH SHELF.

UH, NOW, ALL YOU DO TO CLEAR THE SCREEN--

THAT MUCH I KNOW.

I HAVE SOMETHING SIMILAR TO THIS AT HOME.

OK, YOU GUYS.

CHECK IT OUT.

4-HEAD VHS AUTO-TRACKING DELICIOUSNESS.

525 LINES OF RESOLUTION.

OOH, YEAH!

HOWEVER, IT SAYS HERE

THAT THIS VCR ONLY HAS 250 LINES.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

NOTHING.

A-ARE YOU SAYING THAT THESE COLORS

COULD BE MORE VIBRANT?

THIS LOOKS GOOD TO ME.

I AM SAYING, TOMMY, THAT IF WE WENT DIGITAL,

WE'D GET THE MOST OUT OF OUR BITCHIN' TV.

SO IT WOULD REALLY BE A WASTE OF MONEY NOT TO.

THIS REALLY LOOKS FINE.

IT'S HORRIBLE!

PACK IT UP. THIS PIECE OF CRAP'S GOING BACK.

GRRRRRR!

HARRY, CUT IT OUT.

I GOTTA FIND OUT IF I'M OVULATING.

OK.

NOW WE CAN BEGIN.

OH. OK.

GRRRRR!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

GET AWAY FROM THAT TV.

WHY?

THE ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELD

CAN WREAK HAVOC ON YOUR SWIM TEAM.

OHH!

ALL RIGHT, HARRY.

TAKE OFF THE ROBE.

TAKE IT OFF?

TAKE OFF THE ROBE.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHAT?

WHY ARE YOU WEARING SUCH CONSTRICTIVE UNDERPANTS?

WELL, DICK WAS DONE WITH THEM.

HARRY, YOU KNOW, YOU ARE NOT HELPING THE CAUSE.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

TAKE 'EM OFF.

WHAT?

TAKE 'EM OFF NOW. TAKE 'EM OFF.

IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU,

I THINK I'LL JUST LEAVE THEM ON.

[SOBBING]

HARRY!

OK, CONFIGURE MODEM FILE.

WHERE'S THE MODEM FILE?

GO TO YOUR CONTROL PANEL.

MY WHAT?

YOUR CONTROL PANEL ON YOUR DESKTOP.

WHERE?

ON YOUR COMPUTER'S DESKTOP.

THAT'S NOT A DESKTOP. THIS IS A DESKTOP.

THAT'S A SCREEN.

NO, NO, NO. QUIT THIS.

HIT "COMMAND Q."

COMMAND...

THAT'S CONTROL. HIT COMMAND. COMMAND!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, DICK!

AAAAHHHHH!

THERE.

[BEEPER BEEPS]

OH, GREAT.

DON'T TELL ME, MANGOS ARE 3 FOR A DOLLAR.

I'M GONNA GO USE YOUR PHONE.

[MUTTERING TO HERSELF] I'M SO SMART. GET HER A BEEPER.

GOOD DAUGHTER. OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, THIS IS HIGH QUALITY.

OH, YEAH!

DVDS, BABY!

DIGITAL VIDEO...

DYNAMITE.

THIS RESOLUTION IS PERFECT.

OH, THE COLORS ARE SO ALIVE.

IT'S LEPRECHAUN 2.

WHOA, WHOA, CHECK THIS OUT.

THERE'S A BONUS AUDIO TRACK

WHERE YOU CAN HEAR THE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTS.

THE DIRECTOR OF LEPRECHAUN 2.

OOH, AND LOOK,

AT THE END YOU CAN SEE THE ORIGINAL TRAILERS FOR THE MOVIE.

YOU'RE PAYING TO WATCH THE COMMERCIALS FOR LEPRECHAUN 2!

DIGITALLY REMASTERED.

YEAH.

THE RESOLUTION OF THIS DVD IS SO GOOD...

IT'S ALMOST A SHAME TO WATCH THEM ON A SMALLISH TV.

IT'S LIKE LOOKIN' AT THE MONA LISA

WHILE SOMEONE'S JABBING A STICK IN YOUR EYE.

IS IT THAT BAD?

WE NEED A NEW TV!

PACK IT UP. THIS PIECE OF CRAP IS GOIN' BACK.

NOTHING.

I'VE DONE EVERYTHING YOU ASK,

AND WHAT DO I GET? NOTHING!

THAT'S IT!

BON VOYAGE.

IT'S OUT TO THE LANDFILL WITH YOU!

COMPUTER: WELCOME.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

YOU HAVE MAIL.

I DO?

NO, MOM, I DON'T HAVE GRANDMA'S RECIPE FOR APPLE PAN DOWDY.

LOOK, EVERY TIME THIS BEEPER GOES OFF, I THINK YOU'RE DEAD,

AND I'M STARTING TO GET DISAPPOINTED.

NO, MOM, I'M KIDDING. I'M KIDDING.

BYE.

THE HELL I AM!

OH, MY GOD.

ART, SCIENCE, PHILOSOPHY.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DICK?

I-I'M ON-LINE!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THIS?

THE WORLD WIDE WEB.

THE ENTIRE PLANET IS AT MY FINGERTIPS.

HMM, GOOD FOR YOU.

GOOD FOR ALL OF US.

WE'VE SPENT ALL THIS TIME

TRYING TO GET CLOSER TO HUMANITY,

AND NOW WE HAVE INSTANT ACCESS

TO EVERY CULTURE ON EARTH!

EXCEPT THE FRENCH.

AH! THERE THEY ARE!

LUCKY US.

[SINGING FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM]

YOU KNOW, DICK, IF WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT TO DINNER, WE BETTER GO NOW.

EVERY PLACE IS GONNA BE CLOSED IN AN HOUR.

I'M SORRY, MARY. I--I CAN'T LEAVE NOW.

WHY?

I HAVE A WHOLE WORLD TO EXPLORE.

RICHES TO UNEARTH.

AND IN 15 MINUTES, THERE'S AN ON-LINE CHAT

WITH JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT,

AND NO WAY AM I MISSING THAT!

[1812 OVERTURE PLAYS]

MMM!

NOW, THIS IS A TELEVISION!

OH, GOD.

LOOK HOW BIG EVERYTHING IS.

THAT VIOLIN LOOKS LIKE A CELLO.

NO, THAT IS A CELLO.

OH, I WAS WONDERING WHY THAT DUDE

WAS PLAYING THE VIOLIN BETWEEN HIS LEGS.

COME ON, HARRY. WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE CLINIC.

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE STUPID CLINIC.

HARRY,

FACE IT, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

I AM NOT IMPOTENT.

HELLO, ALISSA.

HOW'S SCHOOL?

GOOD.

THAT'S GREAT.

YEAH.

DICK: AND SO YOU SEE,

THAT BY UTILIZING A VISCOUS BARRIER,

WE MINIMIZE BONDING BETWEEN ANY 2 SUBSTANCES.

NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND FRICTION,

AND I...

HAVE A NICE OMELET.

ANY QUESTIONS?

UM...

WHY ARE YOU ON A COMPUTER?

MY ACTUAL PRESENCE IS NO LONGER NECESSARY

IN THE LEARNING PROCESS.

THIS IS MY NEW LIVE WEBCAM

AT WWW.PLANETSOLOMON.COM.

IT'S ON ME 24 HOURS A DAY.

NOW, ANYBODY CAN LOG ON.

YOU CAN WATCH ME DO ALMOST EVERYTHING,

AND, UH, FOR A SMALL FEE...

EVERYTHING.

NOW, WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO NOW

IS TAKE AN AGGRESSIVE APPROACH

BY RUNNING AN EXTENSIVE BATTERY OF TESTS ON YOU, HARRY.

DOES THAT SOUND GOOD?

IT DOESN'T SOUND GREAT.

YOU JUST RELAX.

DRINK THIS SOLUTION, AND I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE FOR THE X-RAY.

LOOK AT THAT. IT'S JUST KOOL-AID.

KOOL-AID WITH RADIOACTIVE TRACERS.

HARRY, LISTEN TO ME. WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH THIS.

YOU KNOW THAT DR. HOWARD?

HE'S GOT THIS LITTLE TINY CAMERA

THAT HE CAN SEND STRAIGHT UP YOUR--

OK, THAT'S IT!

NO MORE SPECIALISTS,

NO MORE EQUIPMENT,

AND NO MORE RADIOACTIVE KOOL-AID.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, BABY.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT DOCTORS

OR MEDICINE.

IT'S ABOUT YOU AND ME, BABY--

2 PEOPLE IN LOVE.

YOU'RE HURTING ME.

YEAH!

NOW, IF WE'RE GONNA MAKE A BABY,

WE'RE GONNA DO IT THE NATURAL WAY.

OH, HARRY.

VICKI, I SUGGEST YOU JOIN ME

UP HERE ON THIS BUTCHER PAPER RIGHT NOW.

YEAH!

AND GET IT, AND GET IT...

YOU SEE, ALISSA, THE PROBLEM WASN'T THE TV.

THE PROBLEM WAS WE DIDN'T HAVE DOLBY 6-SPEAKER

DIGITAL SURROUND-SOUND.

STUPID!

BUT NOW...

WE HAVE EVERYTHING.

OK.

HOLD ON.

[ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT THEME PLAYS]

OK.

WE'RE AT 30% VOLUME.

[MUSIC LOUDER]

40%.

50%.

AHHH!

STOP IT!

WHOOOOOAAA!

I FEEL LIKE I'M WATCHING ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT

AT CARNEGIE FREAKIN' HALL.

AWESOOOOMMME!

TURN IT DOWN!

HOW LOUD DO YOU NEED TO HEAR

THAT IT'S MARY STEENBURGEN'S BIRTHDAY?

LOUDER?

WE DID IT.

WE HAVE THE ULTIMATE HOME THEATER SYSTEM!

YEAH! YEAH!

HA!

EXCUSE ME, HOW MUCH DID ALL OF THIS COST?

HOW MUCH DID IT COST?

NO MONEY DOWN, BABY.

THAT'S HOW MUCH IT COST.

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?

NO PAYMENTS TILL THE FOURTH OF JULY.

UH-HUH!

THEN HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?

$45,000.

PACK IT UP.

THIS PIECE OF CRAP'S GOING BACK.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

SALLY: DICK.

WE'RE GOING TO THE TASTE OF RUTHERFORD'S STREET FESTIVAL.

YOU COMING?

COMING?

I'M ALREADY THERE.

THERE'S A LIVE VIDEO STREAM

FROM THE ROOF OF THE BANK.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE CHILI BOOTH IS THE PLACE TO BE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

TOMMY: DICK, WE'RE GOING TO A MOVIE.

DON'T BOTHER ME. I'M PERFORMING VIRTUAL SURGERY.

FINE.

OH! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.

SUCTION!

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

MARY: DICK, ARE YOU IN THERE?

JUST SLIDE THE PIZZA UNDER THE DOOR, PLEASE.

OH, MY GOD, DICK!

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO WORK IN 3 DAYS.

YOUR FAMILY IS SO CONCERNED THEY CALLED ME.

THEY NEVER DO THAT.

AHH, MY FAMILY.

YES. SALLY, HARRY, AND THE LITTLE ONE.

HOW ARE THEY?

AGAIN, THEY'RE CONCERNED.

DICK...I THINK YOU NEED A LITTLE FRESH AIR.

I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU OUTSIDE.

I CAN'T ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN, MARY.

GET UP!

OW!

WHOO!

YOU'VE MADE ME SO ANGRY, MARY.

OH, GO TO HELL!

OH...

SO BRIGHT.

WHAT THE--

HEY, MISTER, THAT'S MY FRISBEE.

ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

YEAH.

I'D ALMOST FORGOTTEN.

THERE ARE REAL PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET.

CAN I HAVE MY FRISBEE?

GO LONG, YOUNG MAN.

GO LONG!

[GLASS BREAKS]

NICE THROW, YA FREAK!

WHAT AN ENCHANTING BOY.

THERE IT IS, HARRY.

WE HAD THAT ONE.

SWEET MOTHER!

THERE'S A PICTURE IN THE PICTURE!

LOOK, EVERYBODY!

I'M ALIVE!

OHH!

IT'S WONDERFUL.

PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.

OHH!

I LOVE YOU ALL!

THIS IS AMAZING.

I CAN SMELL YOU.

DICK!

DICK, YOU'RE OUT.

SALLY, HARRY, TOMMY.

OHH! OHH! OHH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M RETURNING $60,000 WORTH OF MERCHANDISE

TO YOU...

MY BROTHER!

I'M ON LUNCH.

SALLY, I'VE MADE SUCH A MISTAKE.

I THOUGHT ALL THIS TECHNOLOGY

WOULD HELP ME WRAP MY ARMS AROUND HUMANKIND.

BUT I WAS WRONG.

ALL IT GAVE ME WAS A RAGING CASE

OF CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME.

SO WHAT ABOUT BEING CONNECTED TO THE WORLD WIDE WEB?

I WASN'T CONNECTED TO ANYTHING.

I WAS SEPARATED.

AND THAT'S NOT WHAT WE CAME TO THIS PLANET FOR.

THAT'S WHAT TECHNOLOGY DOES.

TECHNOLOGY IS EVIL!

DICK, JUST BECAUSE YOU WENT NUTS,

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT ALL TECHNOLOGY IS EVIL.

OF COURSE IT DOES.

WHAT ABOUT, UH...

MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY?

MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY IS OK.

OK, UH, WHAT ABOUT THE COMPUTERS

THAT MAKE SURE AIRPLANES DON'T CRASH?

THOSE I LIKE. BUT THAT'S IT.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE MACHINE

THAT PUTS THE CREAMY FILLING IN THE CUPCAKES?

HARRY, NO!

I'VE ALREADY DRAWN THE LINE.

OH...WHO AM I KIDDING?

I'M NOT GONNA MANUALLY INJECT CREAM INTO MY OWN CUPCAKES.

THAT WOULD'VE BEEN CRAZY.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

YES!

I AM QUITE LIVID!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS

AND THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT HERE, ISN'T IT?

YES, IT IS.

THIS IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE, MARY.

JUST YOU AND ME AND THE STARS AND THE TREES

AND NOTHING COMING BETWEEN US.

[BEEPER BEEPS]

OH, GREAT! HOW DO I TURN THIS THING OFF?

HERE, LET ME SEE THAT.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE.