Original subtitles

OH--HELLO! I AM IN HERE.

I KNOW! I'M STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

GET OUT, YA BRAT.

NO, I'M ASKING OUT ALISSA TODAY,

AND I CAN'T WITH THESE DRY ELBOWS.

I MEAN, PASS ME THE MOISTURIZER.

OH, MY GOD, THERE'S SOME ON MY FIST.

COMING THROUGH!

SPITTING!

YOU MISSED THE SINK.

HARRY, IF I ASKED YOU OUT ON A DATE,

WOULD YOU REJECT ME BECAUSE OF THESE ELBOWS?

NO, I'D REJECT YOU BECAUSE I LIKE LADIES.

GET OUT!

WHERE'S TODAY'S PAPER?

MARY CLAIMS THAT 5 PEOPLE WERE KILLED

IN THAT GRAIN ELEVATOR EXPLOSION,

AND I COULD SWEAR THAT IT WAS 7. YES!

NICE JOB.

ALIENS, ONE. HUMANS, NOTHING.

SPITTING.

YOU SPIT ON ME. JEEZ!

AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

QUICK, HARRY,

GET--GET DUBCEK!

THE PLUMBING HAS GONE MAD!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HARRY!

VICKI!

YOU'RE BACK.

I WAS GONNA SNEAK UP TO YOUR BED AND SURPRISE YOU.

BY CHANGING MY SHEETS?

MAYBE AFTERWARDS.

WELL, I'D INVITE YOU UP,

BUT I GOT PLUMBIN' PROBLEMS.

OH, REALLY?

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU COME RIGHT IN HERE

AND LET ME HELP YOU FIX 'EM?

THANK YOU.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

WHERE'S HARRY?

OH, HE BUMPED INTO VICKI,

AND THEY GOT A LITTLE FREAKY.

WELL, OUR BATHROOM IS A SHAMBLES!

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BEHIND IN THE RENT.

IF YOU WANT ME TO PUT MONEY INTO YOUR PLUMBING,

HOW ABOUT PAYING THE RENT?

RENT? YOU GET A GUY UP HERE WITH A TOOL BELT,

AND WE'LL ABOUT THE RENT.

OH, PLEASE, I'M A BUSINESSWOMAN.

THIS IS NOT A HALFWAY HOUSE.

ANYMORE.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, UNTIL YOU HAVE OUR BATHROOM REPAIRED,

I WOULDN'T STAND UNDER A WINDOW.

DON, I'LL TELL YOU, THIS PLACE IS REALLY STARTING TO GET TO ME.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT'S NICE...

IT'S NICE...

IT'S NOT EVEN NICE.

AW, IT'S NOT SO BAD. IT'S JUST AN ATTIC.

IT'S NOT JUST THIS PLACE, DON. IT'S MY LIFE.

I JUST WANT SOMETHING ELSE.

SOMETHING ELSE?

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I JUST WISH

SOMEBODY WOULD TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE.

SALLY, ARE YOU SAYING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE SAYING?

I'M SAYING I WANT SOMEONE TO TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE.

WHERE'D I LOSE YOU?

OH, YOU DIDN'T LOSE ME, SALLY.

I'M ONTO YOU LIKE WHITE ON RICE.

[QUIETLY] SO WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' ON FRIDAY NIGHT?

[CLEARS THROAT] S-S-SO... [COUGHS]

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' ON FRIDAY NIGHT?

ALISSA.

SOLOMON'S TRYING TO ASK YOU OUT.

HAH! NO, I'M NOT.

I--I WAS TALKI'' TO YOU, ELMAN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' ON FRIDAY?

YOU WANT TO HANG OUT OR SOMETHING?

HA HA HA, WITH YOU? I DON'T THINK SO.

[CLEARS THROAT]

WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP BREATHING ON MY HAIR?

WHAT'S GOING ON OVER HERE?

THIS ASS IS BREATHING ON MY HAIR!

NICE LANGUAGE.

YOU GET DETENTION.

I MEANT ASS AS IN JACKASS.

THAT'S TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE.

YOU KNOW, "I'M A JACKASS, YOU'RE A JACKASS."

THAT'S DETENTION FOR A WEEK.

SOLOMON. HERE'S MY NUMBER.

DIN-DIN!

COME AND GET IT BEFORE IT GETS COLD. COME ON.

OH, IT SMELLS SO GOOD!

THAT'S NICE.

UH-UH-UH. HEAD OF THE TABLE, HEAD OF THE TABLE.

OOH!

YEAH.

WHOA! I GET TO CARVE?

BABY...

YOU GET TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

YOU MEAN LIKE CARVE? OH, YEAH.

ANYTHING YOU WANT. AH! AH! AH!

HEY!

LET'S JUST EAT.

THIS IS GOOD. OH, IT'S SO GOOD.

UH, HELLO, LADIES.

IS--IS DICK AROUND?

NO. WHY?

NO REASON.

UH, JUST TELL HIM THAT I HAVE A QUESTION I WOULD LIKE TO--

NO, UH, JUST TELL HIM THAT I CAME BY, AND, UH--

NO, JUST TELL HIM THAT I DIDN'T STOP BY.

THANK YOU.

WAIT. IS SOMETHING WRONG?

UH, NO, IT'S JUST THAT...

I THINK SALLY WANTS ME TO PROPOSE.

SHE'S--SHE'S BEEN HINTING.

AND, UH, I WOULD LOVE THAT,

BUT, YOU KNOW, IF I'M MISREADING HER, I--

WHY? WHAT DID SHE SAY EXACTLY?

AW, YOU DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED IN THIS.

YEAH, SHE DOES.

I'M VERY GOOD AT THIS KIND OF STUFF.

OH, GOD, I'M SO NERVOUS, I--

OH, DON'T BE NERVOUS, DON.

SIT DOWN.

YOU AND SALLY ARE GREAT TOGETHER.

SHE'LL SAY YES IN A HEARTBEAT.

YOU THINK?

OH, SURE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN WE GO OUT FOR DRINKS

AND I'M BAD-MOUTHING DICK UP AND DOWN,

SHE ONLY HAS THE NICEST THINGS TO SAY ABOUT YOU.

REALLY?

YEAH, AND DR. ALBRIGHT REALLY BAITS HER.

THAT'S TRUE.

ARE YOU SURE?

DON... IT'S A SLAM DUNK.

ALL RIGHT!

I'M GONNA DO IT!

WELL, I'M BUILDING UP QUITE A CASE

AGAINST THOSE ROBBER BARONS DOWNSTAIRS.

QUITE A CASE, INDEED.

TOMMY, BREAK THIS WINDOW.

DICK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST PAY MRS. DUBCEK THE RENT?

HARRY, THIS IS OUR HOME.

WHAT'S GOT INTO YOU? YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME DOWNSTAIRS.

DICK, YOUR RENT IS WAY PAST DUE.

PAY IT, OR I'M TURNING OFF THE HEAT.

OH, HOW PREDICTABLE.

DOES THAT COME RIGHT OUT OF YOUR SLUMLORD'S MANUAL?

DICK, YOU'RE NOT BEING FAIR.

FAIR? IS IT FAIR THAT WE HAVE TO LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH BROKEN WINDOWS?!

TOMMY!

HEY, BABE.

LET'S GO DOWNSTAIRS. I'M GONNA FRY YOU UP SOME STEAK-UMS.

DON'T TRY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT,

YOU PROCESSED, STEAK-FRYING, BOTTOM-FEEDING FLOOZY!

YOU WILL PUT "MISS" IN FRONT OF THAT

IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!

HARRY, I FORBID YOU TO ASSOCIATE

WITH THESE DRUNKEN KLEPTOMANIACS.

OHH! OHH!

THEY ARE NOT KLEPTOMANIACS!

THEY ARE NYMPHOMANIACS!

YEAH! THANK YOU!

I'LL TAKE YOU HOME.

HARRY!

THIS IS ABOUT FAMILY LOYALTY.

YOU WALK DOWN THOSE STAIRS,

AND YOU ARE NO LONGER A SOLOMON.

VICKI...

LET'S GO GET SOME STEAK-UMS.

SALLY, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT.

[MUFFLED] THANKS, DON.

DISPATCHER, OVER RADIO: 4-CHARLEY-6, 4-CHARLEY-6,

PLEASE RESPOND TO A PROPOSAL

ON THE CORNER OF RADFORD AND FIFTH.

OH, MY GOD.

DON...

THAT'S WHERE WE ARE.

IS IT?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW, IT IS.

WELL, WHAT'S A PROPOSAL? IS THERE GONNA BE GUNFIRE?

NO, SALLY.

JUST...THIS.

JEWELRY!

IT'S NOT JUST JEWELRY.

SALLY, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

MARRY YOU?

IS THAT A YES?

WELL...SURE.

I GUESS WE COULD DO THAT.

YEAH.

GOOD.

GREAT.

DICK, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?

YOU ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

JUST SHUT UP AND DO IT AS I TAUGHT YOU.

5, 6, 7, 8!

[DOING STOMP ROUTINE]

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!

THIS NOISE IS DRIVING ME NUTS!

I'M SORRY.

WE'LL TRY TO KEEP IT DOWN.

[WHISPERING] 5, 6, 7, 8...

DICK, IT'S FREEZING IN HERE.

INVIGORATING, ISN'T IT? MAKES YOU FEEL ALIVE.

HEY, GUYS.

OH, LIEUTENANT, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

YOU KNOW, DON ASKED ME SOMETHING OUT OF THE BLUE--

COLD? OF COURSE IT'S COLD.

DO YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE MY OWN BROTHER BETRAYED ME.

HE AND THOSE DUBCEKS THINK THEY CAN FREEZE US OUT.

HA! I THRIVE AT THIS TEMPERATURE.

WAIT, DICK, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING--

WE'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO TOO MANY LUXURIES, SALLY.

HEAT, ELECTRICITY,

COOKED MEATS.

IT'S MADE US WEAK!

WAIT! NO, DICK, I--

[DOOR SLAMS]

WHAT'S WRONG?

DON WANTS TO GET MARRIED.

OH, TO WHO?

ME, YOU IDIOT!

REALLY? THAT'S GREAT!

YEAH.

MRS. SALLY ORVILLE.

IT'LL BE GREAT WHEN YOU GUYS GET MARRIED.

YOU'LL BE TOGETHER ALL THE TIME.

ALL THE TIME.

MAN.

I WOULD'VE LOVED THAT. I MEAN...

I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE SAME LUNCH PERIOD WITH ALISSA.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN A WOMAN ON THIS PLANET

3 YEARS NOW.

I GUESS THE NEXT STEP IS TO GET MARRIED.

IT'S VERY POPULAR.

YOU KNOW, MAJOR CELEBRITIES ARE DOING IT ALL THE TIME.

REALLY?

THEN IT'S GOTTA BE GREAT.

MM.

YOU KNOW, THAT GUY OUGHT TO BUY A VOWEL.

BABY, THAT'S DAN RATHER.

AIN'T NOBODY GONNA SELL HIM A VOWEL.

MM.

OK, I GOTTA RUN DOWN TO THE STORE.

I WAS MAKING PIGS-IN-A-BLANKET AND I RAN OUT OF BOURBON.

IT'S COLD OUT THERE, HARRY.

YOU WANT A LITTLE PIECE OF MY AFGHAN?

OH, SEE? NOW, THAT'S THE RESPECT I DESERVE.

UPSTAIRS NO ONE EVER OFFERS ME A PIECE.

MUCH LESS SLEEPS WITH ME ON A SEMI-REGULAR BASIS.

STILL, I'M KINDA SORRY THAT MAMA TURNED OFF YOUR FAMILY'S HEAT UP THERE.

[SNORTS] FAMILY.

THAT'S NOT MY FAMILY ANYMORE.

YOU HEARD WHAT DICK SAID.

I'M A DUBCEK NOW.

AND DICK'S GOTTA LEARN

THAT YOU CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A DUBCEK.

WE COME FROM A PROUD PEOPLE, VICKI.

DON'T WE?

WELL, NOT SO MUCH PROUD AS...

UPPITY.

UPPITY!

RIGHT.

GOOD.

AND YOU CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF UPPITY PEOPLE.

UPPITY PEOPLE ARE NOT TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF!

HARRY, YOU'VE-- YOU'VE BECOME SO RUTHLESS.

OH, I'M A BITCH, VICKI.

MR. KRAFT, I WAS WONDERING

IF YOU COULD DO ME A REALLY BIG FAVOR.

A FAVOR.

YEAH, SEE,

I'M TRYING TO GET SOME TIME ALONE WITH ALISSA.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND I WAS JUST HOPING

YOU COULD THROW SOME OF THAT DETENTION MY WAY.

SIT DOWN, SOLOMON.

COME ON, MAN. WE'RE BOTH GUYS HERE.

DO ME THIS ONE SOLID. HUH?

I SAID SIT DOWN.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS MAN.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S RIGHT.

YOU REALLY ARE A JACKASS!

YOU LOOKIN' FOR DETENTION, SOLOMON?

HELLO! HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING TO A WORD I'VE SAID?

YES, I WANT DETENTION.

YOU GOT IT, MISTER.

THANK YOU.

IT'S LIKE PULLING TEETH WITH THIS GUY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

THAT JACKASS JUST GAVE ME DETENTION.

THAT'S A WEEK, SOLOMON.

SALLY!

CONGRATULATIONS!

OHH! THE RING. LET'S SEE THE RING.

OH, THE RING.

UHH!

OH, HERE IT IS. [BLOWS]

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL!

OH, YOU MUST BE SO THRILLED.

YEAH, I AM.

I MEAN, HEY, IT'S EVERY GIRL'S DREAM

TO BE TIED DOWN TO HER GUY FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE, HUH?

TIED DOWN.

YEAH.

OK.

I'VE ALWAYS HAD THESE CRAZY DREAMS OF, I DON'T KNOW,

BACKPACKING THROUGH BOSTON OR...

OPENING A SOUVENIR SHOP

IN DOWNTOWN KOREA.

NOW I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHICH ONE TO DO

BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA DO ANY OF THEM.

I'M GONNA MARRY DON, AND THAT MAKES ME HAPPY.

UH, YOU'RE NOT PLANNING ON WRITING YOUR OWN VOWS, ARE YOU?

SALLY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OF COURSE I DO. HE ASKED ME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YES. IT'S NOT WRITTEN IN STONE.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS STONE?

YOU CAN ALWAYS GIVE IT BACK.

I MEAN, SALLY, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT READY FOR THIS KIND OF COMMITMENT.

AND DON, OF ALL PEOPLE, SHOULD HAVE PICKED UP ON THAT.

I MEAN, MY GOD, HOW COULD HE EVEN THINK TO PROPOSE

WHEN IT'S SO OBVIOUS?

YEAH. I WONDER WHERE HE GOT THAT IDEA.

OH, GOD.

YOU GUYS ARE SO LUCKY NO ONE WANTS TO MARRY YOU.

HEY, UM, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

YEAH.

UM...IN CLASS YESTERDAY,

WERE YOU REALLY ASKING ELMAN

IF HE WANTED TO HANG OUT?

YES.

YEAH. WE'RE-- YOU KNOW, WE'RE BUDS.

[CLEARS THROAT] PLAY RACQUETBALL.

OCCASIONAL BRUNCH.

OH.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

NO REASON.

OK.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO PLAY RACQUETBALL.

REALLY?

WELL, YOU SHOULD COME ONE TIME WITH US.

YOU MEAN WITH YOU AND ELMAN?

YEAH.

OK.

WELL, WHAT IF, UH,

ELMAN DIDN'T SHOW UP?

WOULD YOU STILL COME?

I'D PREFER THAT.

REALLY? WELL, THEN, HE'S OUT.

SO WHEN SHALL WE PLAY?

YEAH--THE TRUTH IS, I DON'T PLAY RACQUETBALL.

REALLY?

ME NEITHER.

COOL.

DICK, PLEASE.

CAN'T WE GO TO MY PLACE?

WOULDN'T A HOT SHOWER BE NICE?

I NEED NO WARMTH.

THE COLD IS LIKE AN OLD FRIEND.

I WAS BORN FOR THE TUNDRA.

OK, LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.

YOU STINK. YOU NEED TO WASH.

SHOWERS ARE THE OPIATE OF THE FRAGRANT, MARY.

I'M A SQUATTER, AND I'M PROUD TO BE SO.

BESIDES, AS SOON AS I GO,

DUBCEK'S GONNA PADLOCK THE DOOR.

WELL, I'M SORRY, DICK, BUT I'VE GOT TO LEAVE.

OH, HELLO, MARY.

GOD'S TEETH, IT'S COLD IN HERE!

HAVE YOU SEEN SALLY?

NO.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

I HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD FROM HER SINCE I PROPOSED.

WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?

AND I WAS SO PUMPED UP.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE A SLAM DUNK LIKE YOU SAID.

WELL, I--

I DON'T THINK I SAID SLAM DUNK.

YES, YOU DID.

WELL...

WHAT I MEANT BY "SLAM DUNK" WAS...

YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW.

OHH...

ALL RIGHT, WHERE IS HE?!

DICK, GET IT HERE!

YOU!

OH! ARE YOU REFERRING TO US?

OUT OF MY HOUSE, INTERLOPERS.

SALLY. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

YEAH, SALLY, I COULD HAVE USED SOME SUPPORT HERE.

SUPPORT?

WHAT ABOUT ME?

DON ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM!

[GASP]

HE WHAT?!

WHY WASN'T I INFORMED?

I TRIED TO TELL YOU, BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN, DICK!

WELL, I--I HAD MY HANDS FULL HERE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT OF MY SISTER'S LIFE,

AND BECAUSE OF YOU, I WAS NOT HERE FOR HER!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELVES?

AAH! CONGRATULATIONS!

THAT'S GREAT!

WAY TO GO!

DON, WE NEED TO TALK.

WELL, AT LEAST I WAS WITH HER FOR THAT LAST PART.

I'LL ALWAYS HAVE THAT.

WELL, I THINK WE CAN ALL LEARN A LOT

FROM WHAT'S JUST HAPPENED HERE.

THIS FEUD ENDS NOW!

THAT'S EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

MAMA, YOU FIX THEIR BATHROOM.

DICK, YOU PAY YOUR RENT.

SEE?

WOW.

YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS A LOT.

YOU KNOW, I DO LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS THE FEMALE...

GOLDA MEIR.

SALLY, I'M A COP.

I'VE GOT KEEN INSTINCTS.

AND RIGHT NOW MY INSTINCTS ARE TELLING ME THAT...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

LOOK...

DON, I AM JUST REALLY... CONFUSED.

I MEAN...

ON THE ONE HAND,

I AM LIKE THIS...

FULLY DEVELOPED WOMAN

WITH BOOBS AND THE WHOLE SHEBANG, BUT...

INSIDE I JUST FEEL LIKE I'M STILL GROWING.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT'S GONNA GO.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG

I'M GONNA BE ON THIS PLANET.

NOBODY DOES, SALLY.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

AND I JUST DON'T WANT TO MISS ANYTHING.

DON'T YOU EVER FEEL THAT WAY?

I SHOULDN'T HAVE ASKED YOU TO MARRY ME.

NO.

OH, DON, I AM SO GLAD YOU DID.

IT MADE ME THINK,

AND I HAVE TALKED TO EVERYONE ABOUT IT.

EVERYONE EXCEPT MY BEST FRIEND.

AH, SALLY.

YOU'RE LIKE THIS BEAUTIFUL WILD HORSE.

IF I'M...GONNA KEEP YOU, I'D...

HAVE TO BREAK YOU.

BECAUSE IF I DIDN'T, YOU'D JUST KEEP THROWIN' ME OFF

AND STEPPIN' ON MY HEAD.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BREAK YOU, SALLY.

I LOVE YOU.

SO I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO...LET YOU GO.

IF, UH...

IF SOMEDAY YOU SHOULD CHOOSE TO, UH,

COME BACK TO ME...

MAYBE I'LL BE HERE...

MAYBE I WON'T.

WE'LL JUST HAVE TO SEE.

SO THIS IS IT?

YOU KNOW MY NUMBER.

YEP.

911.

HEY, DON.

CAN WE... TURN ON THE SIREN?

YOU KNOW, FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE?

SURE.

[SIREN]

HARRY, I'M SORRY I KICKED YOU OUT OF THE FAMILY.

MM...THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY I TURNED MY BACK ON THE FAMILY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M SORRY I TRIED TO HAVE YOU ARRESTED.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M SORRY I TRIED TO GET YOU EVICTED.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

SPITTING.

[PLINK]

YOU MISSED THE SINK.

I'M SORRY I MISSED THE SINK.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY