Original subtitles

OH, DON, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO?

WHY, SALLY?

BECAUSE 10 YEARS AGO, I TOOK AN OATH--

AN OATH TO PROTECT AND SERVE THIS CITY,

AND NOTHING-- NOT EVEN THE PROSPECT OF LYING IN BED, NAKED,

WITH THE SEXIEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN--

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!

OH...OH, SALLY... I'VE GOTTA TELL YOU

THAT THIS IS THE BEST RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER BEEN IN.

OH, WOW, DON... THAT IS SO...

SO...

WOW.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

NOTHING. I GUESS I JUST NEVER THOUGHT

ABOUT YOU HAVING ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP BEFORE.

NO ONE CAN HOLD A CANDLE TO YOU, SALLY.

THAT'S REAL SWEET, DON.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

TO PENDELTON'S NEW DEAN OF ARTS AND SCIENCES.

OHH...

THAT'S YOU, MARY.

I KNOW.

NOW, IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND TALKING BUSINESS JUST FOR A MOMENT--

OH, DICK, CAN'T IT WAIT UNTIL MONDAY?

OH, I UNDERSTAND.

ON MONDAY, I'M GONNA BE ASKING YOU

WHAT THE SCHOOL INTENDS TO DO ABOUT

THE DECAYING STATUE OF ADMIRAL PENDELTON.

THE ONE WITH THE MISSING ARM?

IT'S AN EYESORE. WHAT'S GOING TO BE DONE?

I WANT AN ANSWER, AND I WANT IT NOW!

THAT'S WHAT I'LL BE SAYING ON MONDAY.

DICK, THE UNIVERSITY IS IN A FINANCIAL CRUNCH.

THE BIOLOGY LAB IS DISSECTING ROAD KILL.

THE STATUE IS NOT A PRIORITY.

YES, WELL, I'LL BE INTERESTED IN HEARING WHAT YOU THINK ON MONDAY.

THANK YOU, MY GOOD MAN.

OH, NO. HERE, LET ME GET--

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THIS IS MY TREAT.

DICK, I'M A DEAN.

THAT PROMOTION CAME WITH A NICE RAISE.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY MORE THAN ME.

A LITTLE MORE.

HOW MUCH MORE?

A LOT MORE.

REALLY?

WELL, I DON'T CARE. IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME.

I'M THE MAN AT THIS TABLE,

AND I INSIST ON PAYING FOR DINNER.

FINE.

OH!

WOWSIE.

MARY, COULD I BORROW $200?

DICK, THIS IS ONLY $80.

I KNOW. I ALSO WANT TO BUY A CUISINART.

TOMMY! TOMMY!

DUBCEK'S GRANDSON IS SELLING LEMONADE DOWN THE STREET

FOR 25 CENTS A SHOT.

25 CENTS? FOR A LOUSY CUP OF LEMONADE?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF MARKUP THAT MUST BE?

THIS KID'S GOTTA BE MAKING A FORTUNE.

WELL, HE WAS WEARING A DIGITAL WATCH.

SEE?

WELL, I JUST FOUND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT DON I NEVER KNEW.

THAT HIS BACK IS LITERALLY COVERED IN PIMPLES.

WORSE. HE HAD ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP BEFORE ME.

NO. NO.

YES!

OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS... WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU THINK SHE'S PRETTY?

TALL...BLOND...

WOW. SHE SOUNDS HOT.

SHUT UP.

I GOTTA FIGURE OUT WHERE SHE WORKS, WHAT SHE DOES.

I GOTTA KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HER.

WHY?

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER.

WELL, SALLY, I'M OFF.

UH, DON, UM...

THI-THIS TABLE'S A LITTLE WOBBLY.

UM, COULD I USE YOUR ADDRESS BOOK TO PROP IT UP?

CAN'T YOU JUST USE A MATCHBOOK?

I DON'T WANNA USE A MATCHBOOK.

I WANNA USE YOUR WIDDLE ADDWESS BOOK.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO TO BEGIN WITH?

I'M SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU THIS.

"DR. AND MRS. ALBRIGHT"?

NO, THIS ISN'T FOR ME.

THIS IS FOR MARY AND HER WIFE.

I THINK YOU'RE MRS. ALBRIGHT.

ME? AH, HA HA HA HA HA!

OH, THAT'S RICH!

WAIT'LL MARY HEARS ABOUT THIS.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

RIGHT OVER YOUR HEADS.

MARY! MARY!

MARY--HA HA HA!

LOOK AT THIS INVITATION. IT'S HILARIOUS!

IT'S A TYPO.

YES! HA HA HA!

DICK, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS.

NOW, YOU'RE GOING TO BE ON MY ARM AT THIS EVENT,

SO I WANT YOU TO LOOK YOUR BEST.

SO, HERE, TAKE MY CREDIT CARD

AND GO OUT AND BUY YOURSELF A NICE OUTFIT.

HOW MUCH CAN I SPEND?

WHATEVER.

WHAT IF I FIND A BELT THAT GOES WITH MY SOCKS?

FINE.

CAN I BUY A CUISINART?

YOU ALREADY BOUGHT A CUISINART.

ER...SOMEBODY PUT PENCILS IN IT.

HI. I'M CALLING ON BEHALF OF J.D. POWER AND ASSOCIATES.

HOW MANY LICENSED DRIVERS DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD?

MM-HMM. AND HOW MANY HAVE DATED POLICE OFFICERS?

YOUR OLD ROOMMATE DID. OK, CAN YOU DESCRIBE HIM?

"USED TO SNEAK HOME DURING THE SHIFT." UH-HUH...

"STRIPPED TO HIS UNDERWEAR." RIGHT...

AND WATCH HIS SOAP OPERA?

THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL?

I AM IN BUSINESS!

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?

ARE YOU TINA?

NO. GO AWAY.

HI. I'M TINA.

WERE YOU LOOKING FOR A CROCKPOT?

YOU'RE TINA? YEAH.

HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THIS ONE?

THANK YOU, GOD.

I AM SO MUCH HOTTER THAN YOU!

THANK YOU!

HEY, HELLO, THERE.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T CHANCELLOR STEVENS.

DEAN ALBRIGHT, HELLO.

CHANCELLOR, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

TELL ME, MARY,

I HEARD YOU HAD A MOST PROMISING MEETING

WITH PROFESSOR GOLLIN.

I THINK IT WENT WELL. KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED.

[CLEARS THROAT]

HE'S AN INTERESTING MAN.

YOU'VE READ HIS PAPER ON ETHNOBOTANY?

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'VE JUST STARTED IT, BUT IT'S FASCINATING.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[HAWKING LOUDLY]

HELLO.

I'M SORRY. THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND DICK.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

ACTUALLY, I'M A PHYSICS--

YOU MADE A GREAT END-AROUND ON THE SUBCOMMITTEE.

OH, THAT.

IT TURNS OUT IT WAS PROFESSOR BRIGGS

THAT WAS CREATING THE LOGJAM.

YOU KNOW, I FIND-- HOW'D YOU DO IT?

I JUST DANGLED THAT ARTS GRANT IN FRONT OF HIM.

THE INTERESTING--

THE ARTS GRANT IS A MIGHTY BIG CARROT.

IT SURE IS.

CARROTS-- AND THEN?

I-- OH, IT'S JUST WAIT AND SEE.

CARROTS-- YES, I SUPPOSE.

HOW, UH...IF--

DRINK?

CARROTS-- SURE.

I--

BYE.

HELLO. I'M DEAN GUTHRIDGE'S WIFE.

AND I'M DEAN SMITH'S WIFE.

HI. I'M DEAN ALBRIGHT'S WIFE.

HARRY, IS IT REALLY NECESSARY

THAT I WEAR A BLINDFOLD?

TOMMY, IT'S A BLIND TASTE TEST. OK?

NOW, IF WE'RE GONNA BE IN THE LEMONADE GAME,

WE'VE GOTTA HAVE A COMPETITIVE PRODUCT.

NOW, WHICH ONE TASTES BETTER?

WELL, THIS ONE'S A LITTLE BLAND.

A LITTLE BLAND.

OK. THIS ONE'S ROOT BEER.

YOU GUYS!

I SAW HER! I SAW HER!

YOU SAW TINA?

YES, AND I'M SO MUCH HOTTER THAN SHE IS,

IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.

GOOD. GOOD FOR YOU.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART IS?

WHAT?

WELL, THAT IS THE BEST PART.

YOU KNOW, I WONDER WHAT DON EVER SAW IN HER

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

AH, WELL, YOU GOT--

WELL, I MEAN, IT--

OBVIOUSLY--

YEAH, WHAT COULD IT BE?

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT IN COMPETITION WITH THIS PERSON.

OF COURSE I'M IN COMPETITION WITH HER, TOMMY.

SHE'S HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND.

YEAH. EX.

WHY AM I EVEN TALKING TO YOU?

YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN.

OOCH! THAT'S GOTTA HURT.

I MEAN, WHAT DOES THIS TINA HAVE THAT I DON'T?

HER BACK IS LITERALLY COVERED IN PIMPLES.

I GOTTA FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M UP AGAINST HERE.

I'M GONNA GO BUY THAT CROCKPOT.

WE HAVE A CROCKPOT.

WE JUST LOST ONE CROCKPOT

AND GAINED ONE CRACKPOT.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

HI, DICK.

DEAN ALBRIGHT.

TONIGHT WAS FUN, WASN'T IT?

BOY, IF THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING DEAN,

I SAY BRING IT ON!

I'M SLEEPY.

WHAT'S WRONG?

WELL, IF YOU DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU.

IT WAS THE PARTY, WASN'T IT?

I'M CLOSING MY EYES NOW.

OH. OK.

COME ON, PROFESSOR SOLOMON.

TEACH ME A LESSON.

NO.

OK. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE IT TO ME,

I'M GONNA COME OVER THERE AND GET IT.

FINE!

JUST MAKE IT QUICK.

DICK, I'M SORRY.

I KNOW I'VE BEEN A LITTLE SELF-INVOLVED LATELY,

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT I'VE BEEN BUSY.

BUSY DOING WHAT?

WELL...

THINKING ABOUT THAT IDEA OF YOURS

ABOUT RESTORING THE STATUE.

I THOUGHT WE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY.

WELL, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO RAISE THE MONEY.

A FUND-RAISER!

THAT WILL BE YOUR PROJECT.

MARY, YOU MEAN IT?

YES, DICK.

OH, THANKS, MARY.

THANK YOU.

OH, I CAN SEE IT NOW, ALL RESTORED,

THE MAJESTIC IMAGE OF ADMIRAL PENDELTON

RIDING HIS WIFE INTO BATTLE.

THAT'S HIS HORSE.

AH.

THAT DOES MAKE MORE SENSE.

SO I'M RACKING MY BRAIN--

WHAT'S A FRESH, FUN NEW WAY TO RAISE $10,000?

SOMETHING CRAZY,

BUT MAKES PERFECT SENSE ALL AT ONCE.

AND I'M WALKING BY FASHIONS BY PEPE,

AND IT HITS ME LIKE A CAPE TO THE THROAT--

FASHION SHOW.

FASHION SHOW.

HOT WINTER NIGHTS.

THAT'S THE THEME.

FOR THE...FASHION SHOW.

YEAH.

NOW HELP ME OUT.

TICKET PRICES-- I WAS THINKING $50

FOR SEATS BY THE RUNWAY.

YOU KNOW, FOR THE MICKEY ROURKE TYPES.

I WISH I WAS GOING TO BE IN TOWN THAT WEEKEND.

WHEN IS IT?

OH, GOOD. DEAN ALBRIGHT,

DICK WAS JUST TELLING US THIS IDEA--

OH, HE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE FASHION SHOW.

HE TOLD US ALL ABOUT IT.

ISN'T IT GREAT?

FABULOUS! COUNT ME IN!

JUST GREAT!

HOT WINTER NIGHTS.

WHERE DID YOU COME UP WITH THE IDEA?

RIGHT HERE.

TINA, HI. REMEMBER ME?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID I WASN'T HALF AS HOT AS YOU ARE.

YEAH, RIGHT. THAT'S ME.

ANYWAY, I'M BACK FOR THAT CROCKPOT.

OH, SURE. YEAH, THEY'RE RIGHT OVER HERE.

OH. THOSE ARE NICE SHOES.

OH, THANKS. I JUST GOT THEM.

THEY'RE FRANK ROSS.

FRANK ROSS. YOU MUST BE LOADED.

LOADED? NO, NO.

WELL, THEN WHERE'D YOU GET THE CASH TO PAY FOR THEM?

CREDIT CARD.

YOU HAVE A CREDIT CARD. OH, MY GOD.

ANYWAY, THESE CROCKPOTS ARE SO EASY TO USE.

THEY'RE ALL I COOKED WITH WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE.

SHE WENT TO COLLEGE.

YOU SET THE TIMER, GO OUT,

AND THE FOOD'S READY WHEN YOU COME BACK.

COME BACK FROM WHERE? I--I DON'T KNOW.

TENNIS? IS THAT WHERE YOU GO?

TO PLAY TENNIS-- WITH THE BALLS AND THE RACKETS,

LIKE SOME EXPERT TENNIS PLAYER?

MISS, IS EVERYTHING OK?

OH, YEAH, EVERYTHING'S GREAT,

EXCEPT YOU'RE RUINING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH DON.

DON? YEAH, LADY!

DON ORVILLE.

WE'VE BEEN GOING OUT FOR OVER A YEAR,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOUR NAME COMES UP.

AND WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO US?

LOOK, I WAS ONLY WITH DON FOR 6 MONTHS.

AND 2 WEEKS AFTER WE BROKE UP,

HE WAS ALREADY GOING OUT WITH CHERYL FASSLER

AND LAURA BROCKMAN AFTER THAT--

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT...

WAIT.

THERE WERE OTHERS?

WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD EXPAND.

EXPAND.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

WE HAVEN'T SOLD A CUP.

WELL, WAIT TILL WE GET TO THE BIG CITIES.

THAT'S WHERE THE THIRSTY PEOPLE ARE.

YOU ARE A MEATHEAD.

LEMONADE.

OOH! LEMONADE?

YOU KNOW,

WHEN LITTLE KIDS SELL LEMONADE,

IT'S CUTE.

BUT WHEN GROWN MEN SELL LEMONADE,

IT'S CREEPY.

WHAT?

QUIT SELLING LEMONADE.

YOU'RE CREEPING OUT THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

WELL, SHE'S THE MEATHEAD.

NO, HARRY.

NO. SHE'S RIGHT.

I MEAN, COME ON, LOOK AT US.

WE ARE DISGUSTING.

I'M THROUGH.

YECCH.

WELL--

OH, WELL, THAT'S JUST FINE.

YOU JUST GO HOME, TOMMY.

IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.

I'LL JUST STAY HERE ALL DAY,

HOLD DOWN THE FORT.

AHH.

ROOT BEER.

THANK YOU, KITTY.

NEXT UP,

WE HAVE CHARLENE...

IN A SASSY CARDIGAN

AND FLIRTY PLAID KNEE-LENGTH SKIRT.

TOWN OR COUNTRY,

SHE'S READY TO PLAY.

SHE SHOOTS, SHE SCORES.

NUMBER 8 ON YOUR PROGRAM.

THIS ONE'S GONNA GO FAST.

THANK YOU, CHARLENE.

HERE COMES GINNY.

SAY, GINNY, WHAT'S UNDERNEATH THE PARKA?

HEY.

IT'S A SMART FRENCH TERRY PULLOVER

AND SOME SNUGLY LEGGINGS.

HER HUSBAND MAY BE A TRUSTEE,

BUT YOU CAN'T TRUST HER.

YOU'RE DANGEROUS, GINNY.

YOU'RE DANGEROUS--

IN FASHIONS BY PEPE.

COME ON OUT, BETTY.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT IS SICK!

OK. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WAIT, WAIT. SO, LAURA,

YOU WERE WITH DON FROM '92 TO '93.

AND THEN, CHERYL,

YOU WERE WITH HIM THE SUMMER OF '95.

BUT, UH, THERE'S STILL THIS GAP HERE IN '94.

OH! THAT'S WHEN HE HAD THE PONYTAIL.

I REMEMBER ONE NIGHT, ME AND DINGO--

OH, THAT'S WHAT I USED TO CALL HIM.

DINGO.

HE DOES LOOK LIKE A DINGO!

OH, MY GOD!

LADIES.

SALLY, HAVE YOU FOUND A CLIP OF 9MM AMMO?

I WAS LOOKING AT--

GAH! JEEZ! DOH!

[SPUTTERING]

HI, DON. WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

HEY, RECOGNIZE ANYBODY?

YES.

YE-YES.

I--I RECOGNIZE EVERYBODY.

HELLO, LADIES.

HEY, DON. HI, DON. HI, DON.

SALLY, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC?

OH, SURE, SWEETIE.

HE SQUINTS WHEN HE'S NERVOUS.

AM I RIGHT?

DON: SALLY!

OH. COMING.

WHAT'S UP?

WHY ARE ALL MY OLD GIRLFRIENDS HERE?

SWEETIE, LOOK...

I LOST IT WHEN I FOUND OUT

YOU HAD RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE ME.

BUT NOW THAT I'VE MET THEM ALL,

I'M COOL WITH IT.

THAT'S GREAT, SALLY.

I KNOW HOW YOU GOT TOGETHER WITH THEM,

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID WITH THEM,

AND I KNOW WHY YOU BROKE UP. THAT'S NICE.

I KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN, I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE HAD,

AND I KNOW HOW YOU GOT RID OF IT.

OK!

OK. I'M--I'M GLAD YOU FEEL BETTER.

I DO, DON.

I REALLY DO.

OH, SALLY.

OH, DINGO.

RUFF!

GRR!

HERE'S THE MAN OF THE HOUR!

OH!

THANK YOU, MARY. THANK YOU. OH!

AND THANK GOD IT'S OVER!

NINA, HOW DID WE DO?

LET'S SEE. SUBTRACTING FOR THE CATERER, THE DJ,

AND BETTY WALKING OFF WITH THE WEDDING GOWN...

WE MADE $104.

YOU MEAN 104 MILLION DOLLARS.

NO. 104 DOLLARS DOLLARS.

WHAT, THAT'S ALL? AFTER ALL THAT?!

IT'S A GREAT START, DICK.

YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.

OF WHAT?!

$104?!

THAT WON'T BUY ADMIRAL PENDELTON AN ARM!

THAT WON'T EVEN PAY TO PRESSURE-WASH THE BIRD CRAP OFF HIS WIFE!

STILL...WHAT A NIGHT.

THE GALA EVENT OF THE SEASON.

THIS?! 12 PROFESSOR'S WIVES TRUDGING DOWN A MAKESHIFT RUNWAY

IN POLY BLENDS AND SUPPORT HOSE?!

THE RUMAKI WAS DELICIOUS.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHY AM I BEING TREATED LIKE THIS?

WHENEVER I'VE DONE SOMETHING STUPID OR FOOLISH,

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE TO RIDICULE ME FOR IT.

WHAT'S CHANGED?!

I--I THINK EVERYONE HAD A LOVELY TIME.

I KNOW I DID.

YOU!

WHAT?!

YOU'RE THE REASON THEY'RE ALL BEING SO NICE!

THEY'RE KISSING UP TO ME BECAUSE I'M THE DEAN'S BOYFRIEND, AREN'T YOU?!

OH, PSHAW!

WELL, I'M MORE THAN THAT!

I HAVE MY OWN IDENTITY!

I'M DICK SOLOMON, DAMN IT!

AND I DEMAND TO BE CONDEMNED FOR MY FAILURES!

AND THIS, THIS WASN'T JUST A FAILURE.

THIS WAS A TOWERING FIASCO!

SO IF ANY OF YOU RESPECTS ME AS A PERSON,

YOU WILL STAND UP, COME FORWARD,

AND RIDICULE ME FOR THE IDIOT THAT I AM!

DO IT, DAMN IT! CALL ME AN IDIOT!

I THINK YOU BETTER CALL HIM AN IDIOT.

YOU'RE AN IDIOT!

A COLOSSAL IDIOT!

THANK YOU, JUDITH.

VINCENT, THANK YOU.

AND YOU, MARY...

YOU...MOST OF ALL.

IF YOU DON'T, I WILL.

OK, DICK.

YOU'RE A BIG, FAT, BUMBLING,

OBLIVIOUS, PEPE-WEARING, MEGA-IDIOT!

OH, THANK YOU, MARY!

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

DR. SOLOMON.

YES, LUCY.

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU, YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

THANK YOU, LUCY, BUT THAT'S REALLY NOT NECESSARY.

NO. I REALLY WANTED YOU TO KNOW. YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

LOOK, I'VE REALLY GOTTEN OVER THAT WHOLE FASHION SHOW DEBACLE.

BUT...THANK YOU.

WHAT FASHION SHOW?

IDIOT.