Original subtitles

GOOD MORNING, ALL!

GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.

HEY, YOU'RE WEARING YOUR LUCKY TIE.

WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

OH, NO OCCASION, REALLY.

THIS HOTSHOT VISITING PROFESSOR, DR. NEESAM, ARRIVES TODAY.

THE DEAN ASKED ME TO SHOW HIM AROUND,

SO I WANT TO LOOK MY BEST,

JUST TO LET HIM KNOW THAT HE'S ON MY TURF.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST DROP YOUR PANTS

AND SPRAY ALL THE CORNERS?

THAT'S WHAT CATS DO.

THEY DO?

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

WELL, WHATEVER YOU DO, COME BACK EARLY.

I NEED THE CAR TONIGHT. I GOT A DATE, ALL RIGHT?

OOH, SALLY.

ABOUT THAT, HE CALLED. HE'S NOT COMING.

WHAT? WHY?!

HE SAID HE'S AFRAID OF YOU.

WAS IT THE DEATH GRIP?

DICK, HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO TEACH A GUY THE DEATH GRIP

IF YOU DON'T PUT HIM IN THE DEATH GRIP?

[MOCKING] OOH! I'M AFRAID OF THE DEATH GRIP!

AND THIS IS THE DOOR.

COAT RACK, FIREPLACE, FILES,

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, MY DESK.

DR. NEESAM?

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY JUST LEAVE THESE OUT IN THE HALL FOR THE TAKING.

OH, YOU'RE TELLING ME.

NINA!

YES?

COULD YOU BRING DR. NEESAM AND ME A CUP OF COFFEE?

OH, YES, OF COURSE. DR. NEESAM, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?

ANY WAY YOU'D LIKE TO GIVE IT TO ME.

HOW ABOUT HOT AND IN YOUR LAP?

[MUTTERING]

I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.

IS SHE COMING ON TO ME?

I CAN NEVER TELL. IT'S BEST TO IGNORE IT.

SO, DR. NEESAM, WHAT HAS BROUGHT YOU TO PENDLETON?

A PLANE. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

YOUR FATE IS IN THE HANDS OF A COUPLE OF DOORMEN

AND A UNIFORMED WAITRESS.

AND THE ENDLESS POINTING.

OH, GOD, YES!

THEY POINT TO WHERE THE DOOR IS.

AND YOU ONLY JUST CAME THROUGH IT.

EXACTLY.

IF THE PLANE LANDS IN THE WATER,

MY FLOTATION DEVICE WILL BE THE PERSON NEXT TO ME.

DR. NEESAM, I FIND YOU POMPOUS, JUDGMENTAL,

AND COMPLETELY SELF-ABSORBED.

WOULD YOU BE MY FRIEND?

WE'LL SEE.

EXCUSE ME. I'M LOOKING FOR DR. DICK SOLOMON.

AH, DR. NEESAM. HE SHOULD BE BACK ANY MINUTE.

YOU'RE WELCOME TO SIT AND WAIT.

OH, THANK YOU. WOULD YOU GET ME A CUP OF COFFEE?

DON'T YOU REMEMBER? WE MET.

I'M DR. MARY ALBRIGHT.

AHH! DR. MARY ALBRIGHT.

WOULD YOU GET ME A CUP OF COFFEE?

I DON'T THINK DR. SOLOMON WOULD APPRECIATE

YOU RUMMAGING THROUGH HIS DESK.

I THOUGHT I SENT YOU OUT FOR COFFEE.

I AM DR. MARY ALBRIGHT, Ph.D., PROFESSOR OF ANTHROPOLOGY!

YOU KNOW, YOUR CHEEKS TURN A BEAUTIFUL PINK

WHEN YOU'RE YELLING.

IT COMPLEMENTS THE CRYSTAL BLUE OF YOUR EYES,

AND IT COMES TOGETHER IN YOUR MOON PIE OF A FACE.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?!

YOU HAVE THE HEAD OF A COOKIE.

I WANT TO EAT YOU!

YOU STAY AWAY!

FIRST A LICK, THEN A BITE.

AH, LIAM, THERE YOU ARE! GOOD!

I SEE YOU TWO HAVE BROKEN THE ICE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE ALL GO OUT TONIGHT

AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER, HMM?

GOOD IDEA.

DICK, I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THIS GUY.

HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME, AND HE CHASED ME AROUND THE ROOM!

HE DID?

WELL, MARY, I BARELY KNEW YOU

THE FIRST TIME I CHASED YOU.

IT'S JUST WHAT YOU BRING OUT IN MEN.

YEAH?

SHE'S IN!

YOUR TURN.

WOW! 3 BULL'S EYES IN A ROW. YOU ARE GOOD!

ACTUALLY, I'M A BIT OFF TONIGHT.

I WISH I COULD DO THAT.

OH, MARY!

YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY. ANYONE CAN LEARN.

COME HERE. COME HERE.

RIGHT. NOW, HOLD THAT.

TIP IT UP A LITTLE BIT.

EASE BACK, BIG BREATH,

RELAX, FOLLOW THROUGH.

WHOO!

IT HIT THE BOARD!

I'VE NEVER DONE THAT!

OH!

YES. GOOD GIRL.

DICK, SALLY AND HARRY WON'T BUY ME A BEER.

HARRY, SALLY, DON'T BE SO CHEAP!

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FAMILY.

AH, YES. THE DIM-WITTED BROTHER AND THE SURLY ADOLESCENT.

OH, WELL, HE'S SURE GOT US PEGGED.

THIS IS MY SISTER SALLY.

YOU'RE IN LUCK. SHE'S AVAILABLE.

REALLY?

A WOMAN AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU, AVAILABLE?

OH.

YOU MUST HAVE A SEVERE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

WOW! THIS GUY'S AMAZING.

Mary: DICK, YOUR TURN.

PERSONALITY DISORDER.

I'M GONNA GO KICK HIS ASS!

Don: THERE YOU GO, PRINCESS.

DON.

SALLY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

UM, UH...I, UM,

WE GOT A REPORT ABOUT SOME SOUTH AMERICAN GUNRUNNERS

WORKING OUT OF THE BACK ROOM.

BUT YOU'RE NOT IN UNIFORM.

WELL, YEAH.

I'M....UNDERCOVER.

THAT JUST MAKES MY STORY ALL THE MORE BELIEVABLE.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

I COULD USE SOME COMPANY TONIGHT. YOU SEE, UM...

I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD SIT DOWN AND ORDER SOME CHICKEN WINGS,

AND YOU COULD TELL ME I'M PRETTY.

HI, DONNIE.

YOU WERE GREAT LAST NIGHT!

WHO WAS THAT?

I GOTTA GO.

Dick: AND FOR SHORTER DISTANCES, COMPARED TO A WAVELENGTH,

WE KNOW THAT E-W EQUALS ONE OVER R-CUBED

AND--

HELLO, LIAM. CAN I HELP YOU?

NO, BUT I CAN HELP YOU.

THIS IS RATHER PUZZLING.

YOU HAVE 5 UNNECESSARY TERMS.

NOW, NOW, DR. NEESAM. THIS IS MY CLASS.

YES, BUT YOU SEE,

HERE... AND, UH, HERE...

BRACKETS HERE, OF COURSE.

NOW, THESE TERMS ARE ALL EQUAL

AND SELF-NULLIFYING.

VOILà!

BUT THAT DOESN'T WORK.

YES, IT DOES. NO, IT DOESN'T.

YES, IT DOES.

OH! DEAR GOD, I UNDERSTAND THAT!

YES! SWEET MOTHER!

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,

I SEE HOW SOMETHING WORKS!

OH, SHUT UP, LEON!

NOW, LISTEN TO ME, OFFICER.

I NEED TO REACH DON ORVILLE.

OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HIM!

HE'S UNDERCOVER, YOU IDIOT!

SALLY. SALLY, WE HAVE COMPANY.

YOU REMEMBER LARRY FROM NIGHT SCHOOL?

HOW YOU DOIN'?

NOT TOO BAD.

SO...

YOU LIKE MOVIES?

KINDA.

YOU KNOW, UM, SALLY LIKES SPAGHETTI.

SO DO I.

LARRY'S GOT A CAR.

I LIKE CARS.

AH, WELL, WE HAVE A MATCH!

SORRY, MAN.

WE HAD A DEAL!

DAMN. 2 FEET SHORT.

HUH. THAT MEANS I'VE GOT TO PUTT IT IN.

[AIR HORN BLOWS]

WELL, WHAT?

WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT? THAT NOISE.

WHAT NOISE?

I DON'T RECALL A NOISE.

MAYBE A BIRD...

A SMALL RODENT.

PERHAPS YOU HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR.

[TOOT]

WHAT WAS THAT?

OH, THIS?

UM, IT'S AN EXPERIMENT.

I WANTED TO SEE HOW YOU'D REACT.

I AM A BIOLOGIST, YOU KNOW.

ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT AGAIN?

PROBABLY NOT.

OH.

BAD LUCK.

OH.

BETTER LUCK ON THE NEXT HOLE.

[TOOT]

OH, I GOT IT. ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT THAT GUY FROM THE NEWSSTAND?

OH, FRANK DEEGAN!

WELL, HOW ABOUT HIM, SALLY?

HE SEEMS PRESENTABLE.

NO.

COME ON, SALLY. HE LIVES ON A HOUSEBOAT.

IT'S ON HIS MOTHER'S LAWN!

I DON'T NEED A DATE, YOU GUYS.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP ME,

HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH DON.

OH, I'LL TELL YOU HOW TO SOLVE ANY KIND OF LOVE PROBLEM.

NOW, WHAT YOU DO IS YOU INVITE HIM IN FOR A LITTLE CASUAL BREAKFAST,

AND WHEN HE'S WALKIN' IN, YOU'RE FRYIN' THE EGGS...

IN THE BUFF.

OOH, I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT.

NO. YOU'RE NOT THERE.

WHAT? SO WE DON'T GET ANY BREAKFAST?

GO GET A DOUGHNUT.

WAIT, WAIT. HOLD UP.

DOESN'T THE GREASE SPLATTER ALL OVER YOUR BOOBS?

DOUGHNUTS AREN'T BREAKFAST.

NO. EGGS ARE BREAKFAST.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR BREAKFAST?

SHUT UP! TALK!

IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT'S UP WITH DON,

WHY DON'T YOU TRY THE OLD-FASHIONED METHOD?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, LIKE, STALK HIM?

NO!

DISGUISE YOURSELF AND FOLLOW HIM AROUND.

I'LL SET THE TABLE.

OH, I'LL HELP.

NO, NO. MARY'D PREFER IT DONE RIGHT.

MARY, I DON'T WANT YOU TO INVITE HIM OVER ANYMORE!

DICK, YOU DON'T OWN ME.

I CAN INVITE WHOMEVER I PLEASE.

FINE, BUT I DON'T LIKE HIM!

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO!

I DON'T!

SO, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

BAKED NEW ENGLAND LOBSTER.

MMM! SOUNDS YUMMY.

LIAM'S MAKING IT.

OH! DAMN!

DON'T TOUCH IT. I'LL GET IT.

[DING]

HOW DID HE DO THAT?

ISN'T THAT HOT?

OH, VERY, YES.

AAH!

ICE?

WHAT ARE THESE?

ESCARGOT FOIE GRAS CHAMPIGNON à LA GRECQUE EN CROUTE.

DO TRY ONE.

OH!

THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER PUT IN MY MOUTH!

ONCE AGAIN, I COME IN SECOND.

DICK, TRY ONE OF THESE.

OH, NO. I'M REALLY NOT HUNGRY.

ALTHOUGH THEY DO SMELL AWFULLY GOOD.

ISN'T THAT TERRIFIC?

YES.

MM-HMM.

MARY, WOULD YOU PUT THE SALAD OUT, PLEASE?

OH!

THE SALAD LOOKS PERFECT.

THANK YOU. SO, DICK, YOU DON'T REALLY COOK, THEN?

ME? I'M AN EXCELLENT COOK,

BUT I DON'T DO IT IN FRONT OF MARY

BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME TO DO, UH--

HOW CAN I PUT THIS?

WOMANY THINGS.

AH.

I ENJOY COOKING OUT OF DOORS, OF COURSE,

ALONG WITH OTHER MANLY MEN,

BUT IN THE CONFINES OF A KITCHEN,

I FIND THAT REAL MEN TEND TO ESCHEW SUCH GIRLIE PURSUITS.

QUITE.

WHERE'S DICK?

OUR GAME TIRED HIM OUT.

HE'S HAVING A NAP.

OH.

WHOOPS! DROPPED THE LADLE.

OH, I'LL GET IT.

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.

WHY? DIDN'T I DO IT WELL ENOUGH?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU DID IT PERFECTLY.

BUT IT'S JUST THAT I'M KIND OF INVOLVED RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, NOT OFFICIALLY, BUT I'M--

AH, MARY'S AFRAID.

MARY DOESN'T WANT TO ROCK THE BOAT IN HER LITTLE LIFE.

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE CONTROL

AND BE SWEPT AWAY IN A TORRENT OF PLEASURE.

Dick: MARY?

WHERE'S DON ORVILLE?

I SAW HIM COME IN HERE.

DON ORVILLE? DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME, BABE.

I SAW YOU TALK TO HIM THE OTHER NIGHT.

YOU MEAN DONNIE ORVELLINI?

DONNIE ORVELLINI!

AAH! AAH!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Tom Jones: ♪ IT'S NOT UNUSUAL ♪

♪ TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE ♪

♪ IT'S NOT UNUSUAL ♪

♪ TO HAVE FUN WITH ANYONE ♪

AAH! AAH! AAH!

♪ BUT WHEN I SEE YOU HANGIN' ABOUT WITH ANYONE ♪

♪ IT'S NOT UNUSUAL ♪

♪ TO MAKE ME CRY ♪

AAH! AAH!

OH. OH, MARY.

OH, MARY. MARY!

OH, DICK, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS HE?

HE'S GONE.

I'M GLAD YOU THREW HIM OUT.

WELL, HE LEFT.

OH.

HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN OUT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT? 10 MINUTES? 30 MINUTES?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I TOOK OFF MY WATCH.

YOU ONLY TAKE YOUR WATCH OFF WHEN WE--

OH, MARY, NO!

OH, I'M SORRY.

HOW COULD YOU?!

I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID IT.

YOU KNOW HOW HE IS.

OH, I CAN'T STAND IT! HE'S BEATEN ME AGAIN!

HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW GOOD HE IS AT EVERYTHING?

OH-HO, YEAH.

I MEAN, YEAH.

NO WONDER YOU COULDN'T RESIST HIM.

HE'S JUST LIKE ME TO THE 10th DEGREE.

YES! THAT'S WHY I DID IT! HE'S EXACTLY LIKE YOU!

I KNOW!

WE'RE BOTH BRILLIANT. WE'RE BOTH GORGEOUS.

WE'RE BOTH...

OH, MY GOD, OF COURSE.

WE'RE BOTH--

AAH!

WELL, THAT WAS EASY.

SO HE WAS GOOD?

OH, HE WAS GOOD. HE WAS PANTY-THROWING GOOD.

THEN WHY ARE YOU WORRIED?

AT LEAST IT'S NOT ANOTHER WOMAN, RIGHT?

I KNOW, BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ALL THESE WOMEN STARING AT HIM.

HE IS A KARAOKE STAR, TOMMY.

THEY JUST DON'T GET ANY BIGGER THAN THAT.

I LEFT HIM A MESSAGE. I SURE HOPE HE CALLS.

OH, WELL, DON'T WORRY, SALLY,

'CAUSE WE'LL BE YOUR DATES.

YEAH. ME AND HARRY.

HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT?

YEAH.

I'M GONNA FRY YOU UP SOME EGGS.

Don: SALLY!

OH, IT'S DON! GET LOST.

I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.

I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME, DON,

OR SHOULD I SAY, "DONNIE ORVELLINI"?

SO YOU KNOW.

YES, I KNOW. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D UNDERSTAND, SALLY.

COPS...

THEY DON'T SING.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

SALLY, MUSIC IS MY LADY.

OH, DON,

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU

AND THAT LADY.

SING FOR ME.

OH.

♪ OH ♪

♪ MY LOVE ♪

♪ MY DARLIN' ♪

♪ I'VE HUNGERED ♪

♪ FOR YOUR TOUCH ♪

♪ A LONG ♪

♪ LONELY TIME ♪

♪ AND TIME ♪

♪ GOES BY ♪

♪ SO SLOWLY ♪

♪ AND TIME CAN DO ♪

♪ SO MUCH ♪

♪ ARE YOU ♪

♪ STILL MINE? ♪

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH, TAKING A FEW THINGS.

THOSE ARE MY THEORIES ON THE EARTH'S GRAVITATIONAL ALIGNMENT.

YES, AND SOME OF THEM ARE QUITE GOOD,

AND THAT'S WHY I'M TAKING THEM,

JUST TO PROVE SOMETHING TO THE FOLKS AT HOME.

YOU DON'T NEED THOSE THEORIES.

YOU CAN FIGURE THEM OUT.

YOU CAN FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT,

AND I THINK I KNOW WHY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S HEAR IT. WHY?

YOU'RE AN ALIEN.

OH, DICK, WELL DONE.

I KNEW IT!

DICK, YOU ARE QUITE A REMARKABLE HUMAN CREATURE.

OH! WELL, I AGREE WITH THE REMARKABLE PART.

AFTER ALL, I FIGURED OUT WHO YOU ARE,

BUT YOU, MY FRIEND, HAVE MISSED SOMETHING GLARINGLY OBVIOUS ABOUT ME.

CARE TO GUESS?

NO. YOU SEE, I CAME TO THIS PLANET FOR ONLY ONE PURPOSE:

TO DESTROY IT.

WHAT?

OH, YES. BIG EXPLOSION, CHUNKS OF DEBRIS,

THINGS FLYING EVERY WHICH WAY,

THEN A SECOND EXPLOSION,

NOT QUITE AS HUGE AS THE FIRST ONE,

BUT STILL VERY BIG AND SPARKLY,

SOMETHING TO SEE.

ONLY, OF COURSE, YOU WOULDN'T

BECAUSE YOU'D HAVE BEEN VAPORIZED IN THE FIRST ONE.

BUT WHY THE EARTH?

BECAUSE YOU'RE BLOCKING OUR VIEW!

I WON'T LET YOU!

NO, NO. LET ME EXPLAIN.

WHEN I FIRST CAME TO THIS PLANET,

I LOOKED AROUND FOR SIGNS OF INTELLIGENCE, BUT NOTHING MUCH,

CERTAINLY NOTHING TO JUSTIFY NOT BLOWING IT UP,

THEN...THEN, DICK, I MET YOU.

AH, YES, ME. WELL, THERE'S A REASON WHY YOU WERE SO IMPRESSED.

YOU SEE, I'M NOT FROM OHIO.

YOU SEE, DICK, YOU PROVED TO ME

THAT HUMAN BEINGS CAN BE BRIGHT

IN A SORT OF LOOK-WHAT- MY-2-YEAR-OLD-CAN-DO SORT OF WAY.

THAT'S BECAUSE--

THAT IS, IF FOR 2 MINUTES

THEY CAN GET THEIR MINDS OFF LARGE-BREASTED LIFEGUARDS,

COFFEE CAKE THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FAT, AND CELINE DION.

SOMEBODY TELL HER TO STOP.

THE BOAT SANK. LET IT GO.

I'M NOT QUITE FOLLOWING.

DICK, YOU AND YOU ALONE

HAVE CONVINCED ME TO SPARE YOUR KIND.

ME?

MM-HMM.

ME?

MM-HMM.

OH, I SEE.

NOW, WHAT IS THIS THING THAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT YOU

THAT I SIMPLY HAVE TO KNOW IT?

WHAT? HMM?

OH! OH, THAT.

YES. WELL, I'M, UH--

I'M AN--AN--

I'M A...

CANADIAN.

I'M SO SORRY.

NEVERTHELESS, I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING

THAT I HOPED I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO.

WELL, WE CAN'T HAVE YOU BLABBING ABOUT THIS

TO EVERYONE, CAN WE?

SO I'M GOING TO SMOOTH OVER YOUR MEMORY TRACES, YOU SEE?

NOW, THIS DEVICE IS VERY, VERY EFFICIENT,

BUT IT DOES MELT ABOUT HALF A HUMAN BRAIN.

PBBBLT!

THEY'LL NEVER NOTICE IN CANADA.

WELL, THEN...

AS I'M NOT BLOWING THE PLACE UP,

THAT'LL GIVE ME TIME TO BUY A FEW SOUVENIRS,

OR MAYBE I'LL GET A MASSAGE.

YES, THAT'S IT, A MASSAGE.

HA! HA HA HA!

HUMAN BRAIN.

SOME OF US DON'T HAVE A HUMAN BRAIN.

SO, YOU SEE, I, AN ALIEN, SAVED THE EARTH

BY BEING A BETTER HUMAN THAN ANY HUMAN COULD EVER BE.

YEAH, DICK. WE GET THE IRONY.

IT'S REALLY PRETTY OBVIOUS.

I JUST WISH THAT I COULD TELL ALL THE PEOPLE THAT I'VE SAVED.

YEAH, BUT YOU CAN'T.

OH, I KNOW.

WOW! MARY ALBRIGHT AND ANOTHER ALIEN.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING?

OH, SHUT UP.

NO, SERIOUSLY.

I MEAN, THE ODDS OF AN EARTH WOMAN

HAVING A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL--

WELL, THAT'S GOT TO BE ABOUT A BILLION TO ONE,

BUT TO HAVE IT WITH TWO? WOW!

SHUT UP.

YOU DON'T SUPPOSE

ALL THOSE OTHER GUYS SHE'S BEEN WITH WERE ALIENS?

WHAT OTHER GUYS?

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

[SINGING FROM DAS RHEINGOLD]

SIT DOWN!

NOBODY LEAVES

UNTIL WOTAN HAS STOLEN THE RING FROM ALBERICH!