Original subtitles

HI, HI! HEY, ALL.

COULD YOU GUYS KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THE U.P.S. GUY?

I'M EXPECTING A PACKAGE.

WHY? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

MY GYNECOLOGIST.

YOUR WHO-LI-GYNE-WHAT?

MY GYNECOLOGIST. HE'S A WONDERFUL DOCTOR.

GOOD. I COULD USE A NEW DOCTOR.

HE'S A WOMEN'S DOCTOR. FOR WOMEN ONLY?

DOESN'T HE REALIZE HE COULD DOUBLE HIS BUSINESS

IF HE'D OPEN HIS PRACTICE TO EVERYONE?

OH, PLEASE. I'M NOT INTO ALL THAT P.C. BALONEY.

I THINK WOMEN SHOULD HAVE THEIR OWN DOCTORS,

AND MEN SHOULDN'T WAIT TABLES AT HOOTERS.

OH, NOW YA DONE IT.

YOU WENT AND GOT THE HULK MAD.

WHEN HULK GET MAD, HULK GET STRONG.

YEP. THERE GOES THE SHIRT.

AAH!

WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

PICKLES, IS THAT YOU?

IT IS! IT'S PICKLES!

I MISSED YOU SO MUCH, BOY!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S PICKLES!

HARRY'S PET FROM BACK HOME?

I'M AFRAID SO.

OF COURSE IT'S PICKLES! WATCH THIS.

HE FALLS FOR IT EVERY TIME.

HOW COULD HE HAVE TRACKED HARRY DOWN

ACROSS 3 BILLION GALAXIES?

THEY HAVE A PRETTY GOOD SENSE OF SMELL.

BUT WHY DID HE TAKE ON HUMAN FORM?

YEAH. HE SHOULD BE SOME KIND OF LOWER LIFE

LIKE A DUCK OR A SCALLOP OR SOMETHING.

HE DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER. HE'S JUST A PET.

HEY, YOU GET AWAY FROM THAT.

GRRR!

DON'T YOU GROWL AT ME.

WOW, HE HATES YOU.

COME HERE, PICKLES!

CAN I KEEP HIM, DICK?

I DON'T KNOW. A PET'S A BIG RESPONSIBILITY.

THAT'S RIGHT, HARRY.

OH, COME ON.

I'LL WALK HIM AND FEED HIM AND BATHE HIM.

WELL, NOT BATHE HIM.

WELL...OK, THEN.

YOU CAN KEEP HIM.

OH, YOU HEAR THAT, BOY? YOU CAN STAY!

OH, GOOD. THIS'LL HELP US BE LESS CONSPICUOUS.

GRRR!

SO, WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE TODAY?

I'M THE WOMAN.

OK, THEN. WE CAN BEGIN.

JUST LIE BACK AND RELAX.

[PUNCH] UHH!

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE ANOTHER DOCTOR--

ONE WHO CAN KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF.

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

I'VE BEEN CRAVING CONSTANTLY FOR DAIRY.

I CAN'T GET ENOUGH BEETS.

YES! ABSOLUTELY! BEETS, YES! OH, YES!

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF?

HOCKEY.

OH, MY GOD. AND MY BREASTS...

TWICE THE SIZE!

YOU SHOULD SEE MY BRA. IT'S LIKE 2 CIRCUS TENTS.

YEAH? YOU SHOULD SEE MY BRA.

IT'S BLACK AND SORT OF SEE-THROUGH,

AND THIS WIRE'S POKING OUT THAT KEEPS PINCHING ME.

IT'S, LIKE, OW!

I'M PREGNANT.

AAH! AAH! AAH!

[OVERLAPPING CONGRATULATIONS]

HEY!

I'M PREGNANT, TOO!

AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

NINA?

NINA! WHAT IS IT?

HERE ARE THE KEYS TO MY RAMBLER.

TAKE IT SOMEWHERE AND HAVE MY TIRES ROTATED.

UH, THAT IS NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION.

OH.

WHAT IS IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION?

MM...TYPING.

WELL, TYPE IT INTO YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION

AND GET IT DONE BY LUNCH.

I'LL DO THAT.

YOU REALLY HAVE A WAY WITH PEOPLE.

WELL, NOBODY LISTENS TO ME.

I MEAN, JUST THIS MORNING,

I ASKED SALLY TO ROTATE MY TIRES,

BUT INSTEAD, SHE DECIDED TO GO TO THE GYNECOLOGIST.

NOW, IS SHE WRONG, OR AM I RIGHT?

THE GREAT THING ABOUT NOT BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU

IS THAT I DON'T HAVE TO CARE ABOUT YOUR FAMILY'S PROBLEMS ANYMORE.

SO, YOU THINK I AM RIGHT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK.

IT'S UNFAIR OF YOU TO ORDER SALLY TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT

AS IF YOU WERE KING OF THE UNIVERSE.

OH, PLEASE!

WE LOOK NOTHING ALIKE.

HEY! HEY! HEY--

GRRR!

HARRY! HARRY!

OH, NO! PICKLES!

WHAT--COME ON, HELP ME, TOMMY!

HELLO!

HEY, DON.

HEY.

BOYS.

DON ORVILLE.

GO ON, PICKLES.

GIVE HIM YOUR HAND.

Shake...shake...

WHY DO THEY CALL YOU "PICKLES"?

WHY DO THEY CALL

THE CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM "SAUSAGE"?

WE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.

HE'S JUST AN OLD FAMILY FRIEND.

JUST CAME OVER FOR SOME BREAKFAST, DIDN'T HE, HARRY?

THAT'S RIGHT.

STRANGE FELLA.

YEAH, WELL... HE, UH...

HE TOOK A BULLET TRYING TO SAVE HARRY'S LIFE...

BACK IN THAT WAR... OVER THERE.

WHICH ONE?

YOU KNOW THE ONE.

OH, YEAH.

WOW. THAT'S TOUGH.

YEAH, YEAH.

WELL, IT'S... GOOD TO MEET YOU, PICKLES.

THANK YOU FOR SERVING OUR COUNTRY.

WHERE'S SALLY?

OH, UH, SALLY WENT TO THE GYNECOLOGIST.

OH. NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT.

UH, LET'S GO FOR A WALK, PICKLES.

WALK.

HARRY, HARRY. BRING A PLASTIC BAG.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET ANOTHER FINE.

STOP IT. DROP IT. COME ON.

Sally: HEY, HEY! GET YOUR NOSE OUTTA THERE!

WHOA! NO!

SALLY. HI, DON.

I TAPED THAT COPS FOR YOU.

OH, COOL. THANKS.

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

COPY THAT. OVER.

I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

EMERGENCY?

I DON'T KNOW.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD SHE SAYS.

HELLO, SALLY. HOW WAS YOUR TRIP TO THE GYNECOLOGIST?

OH, IT WAS GREAT.

I MET THESE WOMEN, AND THEY WERE SO NICE TO ME.

ME, DICK! THEY WERE SO WARM AND FRIENDLY...

AND PREGNANT. PREGNANT?

THEY HAVE THEIR OWN LINGO AND SPECIAL CLASSES.

THEY ALL DRESS ALIKE AND HAVE THIS INCREDIBLY STRONG BOND.

THEY SOUND LIKE A CULT.

IT'S TOO BAD WE CAN'T INFILTRATE THEM.

ACTUALLY... I ALREADY HAVE.

YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT.

I'M FAKING IT.

OH...SMART THINKING, LIEUTENANT.

SO, WHAT MONTH ARE YOU IN?

OOH, I DON'T KNOW. 18?

YOU LOOK GREAT.

NOW, WHEN LABOR COMES,

IT'S YOUR JOB TO KEEP YOUR PARTNER RELAXED, FOCUSED,

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, CALM.

YOU HEAR THAT, SALLY? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP ME CALM.

NO, DICK, SHE'S NOT. THAT'S YOUR JOB.

LISTEN TO YOU. YOU'RE MAKING THIS ALL ABOUT THE WOMAN.

IT IS ABOUT THE WOMAN.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

THIS PREGNANCY THING IS NO BIG MYSTERY.

MAN DECIDES TO HAVE BABY, MAN PLANTS SEED, MAN BECOMES DAD.

CUT AND DRIED. BLACK AND WHITE. CLEAR AS DAY.

DICK, YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?

THIS IS NOT ABOUT MEN. IT'S ABOUT WOMEN.

AND WOMEN HAVE THIS SPECIAL CLUB-- THIS PREGNANCY CLUB--

AND ONCE YOU BECOME A MEMBER,

EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECOMES FASCINATING:

WHAT YOU ATE THAT DAY, WHAT'S SWOLLEN,

HOW MANY TIMES YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

6.

6?

SEE? FASCINATING!

DON'T MAKE IT SOUND SO EXCLUSIVE.

WE MEN HAVE OUR OWN SPECIAL CLUB.

IT'S CALLED A TREEHOUSE-- MEN ONLY--

AND IN IT, WE DISCUSS OUR ENLARGED PROSTATES.

SO THERE.

WHOA! WHAT?

HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION:

IF I TOLD YOU THAT PICKLES

HAD ACCIDENTALLY CHEWED UP ONE OF SALLY'S PUMPS,

YOU WOULDN'T SEND HIM

BACK TO THE HOME PLANET, WOULD YOU?

PICKLES. HYPOTHETICAL!

PICKLES, YOU COME HERE RIGHT NOW!

NO, DICK! HE DIDN'T MEAN TO DO IT.

PICKLES, YOU COME HERE RIGHT NOW AND SEE WHAT YOU DID!

PICKLES, COME BACK HERE!

LET HIM GO. THAT'S AN ORDER.

I JUST REMEMBERED. I HAVE TO GO TO THE CIRCUS.

OH, SALLY, LAST NIGHT,

I GOT THE BEST NIGHT'S REST IN WEEKS.

DID YOU GET THE FULL-BODY PILLOW?

I DID. OK, WHO WAS RIGHT?

YOU WERE! YOU WERE!

OK, SO... DO YOU LIKE?

OH, IT'S WONDERFUL.

NOW, DON'T GO AND BLOW ALL YOUR MONEY ON THIS NICE STUFF.

I KNOW, BUT PREGNANCY'S SO CHIC.

THAT DOES LOOK NICE.

REALLY?

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET THE LEOPARD PRINT ONE, OR--REALLY?

THAT'S A HECK OF A LOT OF MONEY

TO FIX A PAIR OF HIGH-HEELED SHOES.

I KNOW THEY'RE BIG, BUT--

NO, THEY ARE NOT MINE!

I HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING.

NO, NOT AT ALL. LOOK, IT'S MY SISTER'S PROBLEM.

WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO HER?

SO, DON, WHAT BRINGS YOU AROUND?

SALLY'S...PROBLEM.

OH, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

IT'S JUST GONNA COST ME A LOT OF MONEY, THAT'S ALL.

DO YOU KNOW WHO'S RESPONSIBLE?

OF COURSE. HARRY WATCHED THE WHOLE THING HAPPEN.

HE DID?

HIS BEST FRIEND DID IT.

NOT PICKLES! THAT'S THE ONE.

OH, I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT THAT GUY!

WHERE IS HE NOW?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I CONFRONTED HIM, AND HE RAN AWAY.

OH...THIS IS A SHOCKER, DICK.

I GOTTA TELL YOU, IT WASN'T EASY

WATCHING SALLY TRY ON SOME OF THOSE MATERNITY CLOTHES.

WHAT?! DAMN IT! I WARNED HER!

NINA, CANCEL MY CLASSES!

WHY? WHAT'S GOING ON?

SALLY'S BECOME ONE OF THE PREGNANT.

OH, MY GOD! IS THAT TRUE?

I'M AFRAID SO.

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

HOW DO YOU THINK IT HAPPENED?

GOOD MORNING.

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE

WHAT DR. SOLOMON JUST TOLD ME ABOUT HIS SISTER.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HER.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HIM.

I DON'T HAVE TO CARE ABOUT HIS LUNATIC FAMILY.

SALLY'S PREGNANT. OH, MY GOD! IS THIS TRUE?

YES, IT IS.

IS IT YOURS?

NO!

WELL, IT COULD BE.

BUT IT'S NOT.

BUT IT...COULD BE.

AND TO THINK HE ASKED A PREGNANT WOMAN TO ROTATE HIS TIRES.

THAT INSENSITIVE JERK!

IT'S SO COLD.

SHE MUST BE SO SCARED.

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ALONE AND...PREGNANT.

[SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY]

DON...

GO LIKE THIS.

OH, ANY SIGN OF PICKLES?

NO. I THOUGHT I SAW HIM,

BUT IT JUST TURNED OUT TO BE SOME GUY.

I HOPE HE'S NOT LOST--

COLD AND SHIVERING IN SOME DIRTY ALLEY.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, YOU WORKED.

YOU'RE 15--PFFT! YOU WORK.

COULD I HAVE A BEER FOR MY BUDDY?

YOU AND ME ARE CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH.

YOU KNOW, NOT FOR NOTHIN',

BUT YOU COULD REALLY USE A MINT.

THERE YOU ARE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'VE COME TO TAKE YOU HOME! NOW, WAIT--

I WON'T HAVE YOU POISONING HER MIND

WITH YOUR UTERO-CENTRIC PROPAGANDA!

AAH!

AAH!

I THINK I'M GOING INTO LABOR!

OH, ALL RIGHT. NOW, CALM DOWN.

CAN SOMEONE HERE TAKE WENDY UP TO OBSTETRICS?

ME! I'LL DO IT! OH, THIS'LL BE GREAT! COME ON!

SALLY, YOU COME BACK HERE!

THAT WOMAN CAN GO TO OBSTETRICS BY HERSELF!

I'M SURE SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

Sally: AAH! OH, DICK, IT'S HORRIBLE!

Dick: PUSH! PUSH!

SOMEBODY HELP ME!

WHEN SOMEBODY TELLS YOU TO PUSH,

YOU DON'T PULL, YOU PUSH!

Wendy: AAH! AAH!

I'M COMING! I'M COMING!

"LOST MAN. MOSTLY BEIGE.

ANSWERS TO THE NAME OF PICKLES."

RAAOO? RAAOO?

PICKLES, IS THAT YOU?

PICKLES! OH. THAT'S OK, BUDDY.

LET'S GO HOME.

HEY, BUDDY...JUST GOT A FRESH PITCHER.

Tommy: PICKLES?

PICKLES, YOU WANNA RIDE IN THE CAR?

WANNA RIDE IN THE CAR, BOY?

AH, THAT'S A GOOD BOY.

WHA--WAIT! PICKLES!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CAR CRASHES]

Harry: PICKLES! NOOO!

MY LITTLE BABY'S SO PRECIOUS.

FOR YOU, THE WORLD HOLDS SO MUCH,

AND I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, YES,

TAKING YOUR HAND, LEADING THE WAY

ON EVERY STEP OF YOUR JOURNEY.

EXCUSE ME. CAN I PLEASE BOND WITH MY BABY?

IN A MINUTE.

YOU'RE SO ADORABLE.

AND LOOK AT YOUR EYES.

YOU HAVE BIG, BEAUTIFUL EYES, DON'T YOU, FRANK?

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

HIS NAME IS SAM,

AND IF YOU DON'T LEAVE, I'LL CALL THE COPS.

I KNOW. YOUR DADDY'S A BIG MEANIE.

GIMME THE BABY.

ALL RIGHT. FINE, FINE.

HE'S GOT YOUR EARS.

LOOK, HE'S GOT YOUR CHIN.

HE'S GOT MY FORCEPS MARKS.

ALL RIGHT, GET OUT. THAT'S ENOUGH.

OH, SALLY...

HOW CAN YOU EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING THE WOMAN?

WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF IS AMAZING.

I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOUR POWER, WHAT YOU CAN DO.

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THIS,

BUT AFTER SEEING THIS AWESOME SIGHT,

IT MAKES ME WANT TO BE A GIRL.

WELL, DICK, YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL,

YOU CRY LIKE A GIRL, AND YOU'RE PAID LIKE A GIRL,

SO YOU'RE NOT SO FAR OFF.

THANKS. YOU KNOW SOMETHING, SALLY...

I WANT YOU TO GET PREGNANT.

WHAT?

I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BABY.

FORGET IT. I DON'T WANT TO.

I ORDER YOU TO GET PREGNANT.

YOU CAN'T ORDER ME.

THIS IS MY BODY. I PICKED IT OUT. IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?

BUT, LIEUTENANT-- LOOK, PREGNANCY IS A GREAT THING.

IT REALLY IS.

THERE'S JUST ONE PROBLEM WITH BEING PREGNANT--

THE BABY COMES OUT!

IT DOESN'T JUST STAY IN THERE. IT COMES OUT!

AND THAT PART MUST BE PAINFUL.

OH, NO, IT'S NOT THE PAIN, DICK.

I CAN TAKE THE PAIN. IT'S THE RESPONSIBILITY.

WHEN I SAW THAT TINY, SCARED LITTLE THING,

I REALIZED SOMETHING--

A BABY'S FOREVER.

I JUST DON'T THINK I CAN HANDLE THAT KIND OF RESPONSIBILITY.

HELL, I HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE TAKING CARE OF HARRY.

MY LITTLE SALLY.

SOMETIMES, I THINK OF YOU AS A LITTLE GIRL...

AND THAT'S WHY I ORDER YOU TO DO THINGS LIKE GET PREGNANT.

BUT YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GROWING UP NOW,

AND, OBVIOUSLY, CAPABLE OF MAKING DECISIONS ON YOUR OWN.

I RESPECT THAT.

YOU DO?

NO.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET

INTO ANOTHER ARGUMENT I CAN'T WIN.

WOW. YOU'RE GROWING UP, TOO.

MM-HMM. THANK YOU.

PICKLES, YOU'RE HOME NOW.

All: SURPRISE! AAH! AAH!

THEY'RE FRIENDS!

YOU! I'M SURPRISED YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO SHOW YOUR FACE!

THAT GUY MAKES ME SO MAD.

OOH! SHH! HERE THEY COME.

Sally: I FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT, TOO.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN?

WELL, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WATER WAS UNBREAKABLE.

All: SURPRISE!

IS IT MY BIRTHDAY?

EVERYTHING ISN'T ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, DICK.

WE CAME BECAUSE WE HEARD ABOUT SALLY

AND WE WANTED TO BE THERE FOR HER 100%,

UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.

OH, YEAH. SOME PEOPLE ARE BASTARDS.

YEAH. WE DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT ALL ALONE.

GO THROUGH WHAT ALONE?

SALLY, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MOMENT, IN PRIVATE?

SALLY, IT ISN'T EASY GROWING UP WITHOUT A FATHER

IN A TOWN LIKE RUTHERFORD.

WHAT'S THE USE OF A BAT AND BALL

IF THERE'S NO ONE THERE TO THROW A PITCH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WANT TO BE THE FATHER OF YOUR BABY.

[ALL GASP]

WHAT BABY?

THE BABY YOU'RE HAVING.

I'M NOT HAVING A BABY.

I KNOW YOU'RE PREGNANT. I'M NOT PREGNANT.

SHE'S NOT PREGNANT. SHE'S NOT?

I WAS PRETENDING, BUT I'M NOT REALLY.

SHE'S NOT PREGNANT.

OH, GREAT. THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE?

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, IT CERTAINLY WASN'T MY IDEA!

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE OUT,

THIS FAMILY PULLS YOU RIGHT BACK IN!

HEY, DON.

YEAH, SALLY?

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID WAS REALLY TOUCHING.

IF YOU EVER REALLY DO WANT TO GET PREG--

AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. I'M JUST SAYING!

WHAT HAPPENED?

HE GOT HIT BY A CAR.

PICKLES, STOP.

PICKLES, STOP!

HARRY...

I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO, BUT...

I'M NOT SURE THIS PLANET

IS THE SAFEST PLACE FOR PICKLES.

YES, SIR.

NOW, YOU CAN KEEP HIM IF YOU WANT,

BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT.

PICKLES, SIT. PICKLES, SIT.

LOOK...I DON'T THINK THAT EARTH

IS THE RIGHT PLACE FOR YOU.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST TOO DANGEROUS OUT THERE,

AND I WOULDN'T BE SAYING THAT IF I DIDN'T LOVE YOU--NO!

SO, I THINK YOU SHOULD GO, OK--

NO! PICKLES! GO!

PICKLES, GET OUTTA HERE!

PICKLES, COME HERE!

PICKLES, GO BACK TO YOUR POD AND GO HOME,

BACK WHERE YOU BELONG. GO NOW.

PICKLES, GO HOME!

IT'S FOR THE BEST, HARRY.

I KNOW.

DICK, DO YOU THINK THAT SOMEDAY, WHEN I'M READY,

MAYBE I CAN HAVE AN EARTH PET?

SURE, HARRY.

DICK, DO YOU THINK SOMEDAY, WHEN I'M READY,

I COULD HAVE A BABY OF MY OWN?

OF COURSE, SALLY.

HEY, DICK, DO YOU THINK

WHEN HE HAS A PET AND SHE HAS A BABY,

I COULD GET AN APARTMENT ACROSS TOWN?

ABSOLUTELY, TOMMY.

MAKE IT A 2-BEDROOM.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

I MUST SAY,

YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING MEN I HAVE EVER MET.

SO ATTENTIVE AND AFFECTIONATE.

WHAT IS IT?

DO YOU WANNA GO OUT?

THAT'S A SLIDING GLASS DOOR!

[THUD]