All language subtitles for 3rd Rock from the Sun - S02E11 - Dick Jokes (1080p x265 EDGE2020)_Subtítulos01.ENG

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,841 --> 00:00:08,807 SO I SAID TO HER, “HEY, MOM, YOUR BIRTHDAY 2 00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,943 WAS LAST MONTH. HOIST IT UP YOURSELF.” 3 00:00:10,945 --> 00:00:14,580 - ( audience laughing ) - I DON'T GET IT. WHAT ARE THEY LAUGHING AT? 4 00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:17,215 ANYWAY, I'M NOT SAYING MY MOM IS OVERWEIGHT, 5 00:00:17,217 --> 00:00:19,250 BUT SHE'S GOT THAT FLABBY SKIN UNDER HER ARM. 6 00:00:19,252 --> 00:00:21,820 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. WELL, THE OTHER DAY THIS WIND PICKS UP, 7 00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:23,822 THIS STUFF STARTS JIGGLIN'-- 8 00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:26,725 OUT DROPPED A TRICYCLE I LOST WHEN I WAS SEVEN. 9 00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:30,162 EXCUSE ME. 10 00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:33,431 PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP ME OUT. THOSE THINGS YOU SAID ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, 11 00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:35,701 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE CONSIDERED FUNNY. 12 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,770 - WELL, UM-- - IS IT BECAUSE 13 00:00:37,772 --> 00:00:40,672 THE TONED ARMS THAT ONCE CRADLED YOU SECURELY 14 00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:44,209 NOW HAVE LARGE DEPOSITS OF CELLULITE HANGING FROM THEM? 15 00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,945 - IS AGING FUNNY? - IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT-- 16 00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:49,881 AND YOU! IS IT ALL THE ALCOHOL YOU'RE CONSUMING 17 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,985 THAT MAKES IT OKAY TO LAUGH AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR LOVED ONES? 18 00:00:52,987 --> 00:00:57,322 HE'S RIGHT! I LOVE MY FAT MAMA! 19 00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:59,390 AND YOU'RE A BAD MAN! 20 00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:05,664 DR. ALBRIGHT, 21 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,967 HAVE YOU EVER LOST A TRICYCLE IN YOUR MOTHER? 22 00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:13,138 PLEASE, DICK, I AM IN A CRUDDY MOOD. 23 00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:15,707 THIS FUNDRAISER IS TURNING OUT TO BE A NIGHTMARE. 24 00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:18,843 ( chuckling softly ) 25 00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:28,453 WELL, WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE IN A CRUDDY MOOD. 26 00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:32,524 OH, IT'S THESE JOKES BEN LITTMEYER GAVE ME AT LUNCH. 27 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,993 BEN LITTMEYER, FROM THE SOCIOLOGY DEPARTMENT? 28 00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:38,096 YES. OH, HE HAS THE BEST SENSE OF HUMOR. 29 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,566 I FINALLY CONVINCED HIM TO HOST THE FUNDRAISER. 30 00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:42,568 WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME TO DO IT? 31 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,970 I HAVE A WONDERFUL SENSE OF HUMOR. 32 00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:47,139 NINA, COME IN HERE. 33 00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:49,574 I HAVE A WONDERFUL SENSE OF HUMOR, DON'T I? 34 00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:53,611 OH! 35 00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:57,949 - SEE? - OH! 36 00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:00,585 THIS IS AN IMPORTANT FUNDRAISER FOR PENDLETON, 37 00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:03,788 AND BEN CAN GET THOSE FAT CATS TO COUGH UP SOME CASH. 38 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:07,259 WELL, I CAN MAKE A FAT CAT COUGH. 39 00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:09,561 I CAN EVEN MAKE HIM VOMIT. 40 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:12,564 THANKS, DICK, BUT BEN ALREADY SAID YES. 41 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:15,600 - YOU DON'T THINK I'M FUNNY? - OH, DICK, 42 00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:19,638 YOU'RE LOVING AND INTELLIGENT AND SEXY-- 43 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,841 - AND FUNNY? - OH! I HAVE A CLASS! 44 00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:25,911 I AM FUNNY! I AM FUNNY! 45 00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:27,913 I AM! 46 00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,848 ( '50s rock music playing ) 47 00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:05,918 WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR COAT? 48 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:08,586 I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO IT, 49 00:03:08,588 --> 00:03:11,689 SO MS. DUBCEK LET ME BORROW THIS ONE. 50 00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:14,826 SWEET WOMAN. 51 00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:17,029 SO YOU LOST YOUR COAT? OH, TOUGH BREAK. 52 00:03:17,031 --> 00:03:21,033 I LOST MORE THAN A COAT, TOMMY! 53 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,503 I LOST A FRIEND, 54 00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:26,505 A BUDDY, 55 00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:29,607 A COMPANION WHO KEPT ME WARM WHEN IT WAS COLD 56 00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:31,976 AND WARMER WHEN IT WAS REALLY 57 00:03:31,978 --> 00:03:35,113 SORT OF TOO HOT TO BE WEARING A COAT. 58 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,984 TOMMY, 59 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:42,087 LOOK, YOU'RE THE INFORMATION OFFICER. 60 00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:44,890 WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS THING THEY CALL A SENSE OF HUMOR? 61 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:47,091 ALL I KNOW IS, THAT'S NOT IT. 62 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,862 LIEUTENANT, I NEED YOUR HELP. 63 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,864 I NEED YOU TO FIND OUT WHAT'S FUNNY. 64 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:55,133 OH, I CAN'T. I'VE GOT TO BUILD THIS-- 65 00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:57,369 I RAN OUT OF ROOM FOR MY SHOES. 66 00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:59,804 WELL, THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT. IT'S ABOUT ME! 67 00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:02,641 WELL, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY? 68 00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:05,377 WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT A SENSE OF HUMOR ANYWAY? 69 00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:07,379 OH, COME ON, TOMMY. 70 00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,146 HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR IS HAVING THE POWER 71 00:04:09,148 --> 00:04:12,083 TO TRANSFORM SOMEONE'S MOOD, 72 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,086 TO LIFT HIS SPIRIT. 73 00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:17,288 YOU GIVE IT TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE WHEN SHE REALLY NEEDS IT. 74 00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:21,226 AND I JUST FOUND OUT TODAY THAT MARY'S BEEN GETTING IT FROM ANOTHER MAN. 75 00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:26,565 DICK, I THINK THIS WHOLE “BEING FUNNY” THING IS JUST INNATE. 76 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:30,468 - WHAT DO YOU THINK, LIEUTENANT? - WHAT DO I THINK? 77 00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:33,104 - I THINK EITHER YOU GOT IT OR YOU DON'T. - OH! 78 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,373 LOOK WHAT YOU JUST DID! 79 00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:39,845 WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? 80 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:42,747 COME ON! WAKE UP, YOU TWO! COME ON! 81 00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:49,020 HOW AM I EVER GONNA FIND OUT WHAT'S FUNNY? 82 00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:55,227 NO, I DON'T GET IT. GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT'S FUNNY. 83 00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:58,162 I THOUGHT THE MOVIE EMMA WAS REALLY FUNNY. 84 00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:04,202 - WHAT WAS FUNNY ABOUT IT? - IT WAS FULL OF IRONY. 85 00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:06,905 OKAY, SO IRONY'S FUNNY. 86 00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:09,908 SURE, BECAUSE SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING, AND THE OPPOSITE IS ACTUALLY TRUE. 87 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,344 OH, OKAY, LIKE WHEN YOU TOLD ME EMMA WAS GONNA BE 88 00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:14,846 A REALLY GREAT MOVIE, WHEN ACTUALLY IT SUCKED OUT LOUD? 89 00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:20,885 WELL, APPARENTLY, IRONY IS A LITTLE TOO SOPHISTICATED FOR YOU. 90 00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:23,288 EITHER THAT OR YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY EITHER. 91 00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:25,890 I... DON'T KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY? 92 00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:27,959 I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, AT CAMP, 93 00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,295 I WAS VOTED “MISS WHIMSY.” 94 00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:34,832 WHY? WAS MISS IRONY KILLED IN A CANOE ACCIDENT? 95 00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:44,242 - HI, DICK. - OH, UH, MARY. 96 00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:46,244 JUST DOING SOME READING-- 97 00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:48,346 SOME PHYSICS READING, YOU KNOW. 98 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,281 OH, THAT'S NICE. 99 00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:52,617 SAY, UH, 100 00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:55,287 AN AMUSING JOKE JUST CAME TO ME-- 101 00:05:55,289 --> 00:05:58,156 YOU KNOW, OUT OF THE BLUE. 102 00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,091 KNOCK, KNOCK. 103 00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:05,029 OKAY. WHO'S THERE? 104 00:06:06,466 --> 00:06:08,733 UH-- 105 00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:11,903 UH, UH, “WHO'S THERE,” YOU SAY? 106 00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:14,439 UH-- 107 00:06:14,441 --> 00:06:17,743 OH, UH, UH, NINA. 108 00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:20,745 - “NINA” WHO? - OUR NINA. 109 00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:24,082 SHE'S RIGHT HERE! ( forced laughter ) 110 00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:28,219 PLEASE LET ME HOST THAT FUNDRAISER! 111 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,221 - NO! - OH! 112 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:33,759 BEN LITTMEYER JUST CALLED. HE'S GONNA BE A FEW MINUTES LATE FOR LUNCH. 113 00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,761 OH, ANOTHER LUNCH WITH BEN. 114 00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,763 I SEE. 115 00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:40,565 HOW FUNNY FOR YOU. 116 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,835 WELL, WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US? WE COULD MAKE IT A THREESOME. 117 00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:46,004 I DON'T GO THAT WAY, MARY. 118 00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:54,479 FINE! 119 00:06:54,481 --> 00:06:58,182 AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, GARLIC GUM. 120 00:06:58,184 --> 00:07:00,952 OH, UH, HARRY, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A NICE PIECE 121 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:03,688 - OF PERFECTLY ORDINARY GUM? - OKAY. 122 00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,693 MMM! GARLICKY. 123 00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:10,795 WELL, I HAD A GREAT DAY. 124 00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:13,331 I HAVEN'T LEARNED A THING ABOUT COMEDY, AND AUGUST AND I HAD A HUGE FIGHT. 125 00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:16,201 OH, WELL, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A NICE DOUGHNUT 126 00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:19,103 FROM THIS BAG LABELED “DONUTS”? 127 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,473 AHH! YOU TOUCHED DOGGY DOODY! 128 00:07:22,475 --> 00:07:24,475 WAAH! 129 00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:27,178 SINCE WHEN IS DOGGY DOODY MADE IN TAIWAN? 130 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,682 THEY HAVE DOGS IN TAIWAN-- BIG ONES. 131 00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:33,484 - FUNNY, RIGHT? - I DON'T KNOW. YOU KNOW, 132 00:07:33,486 --> 00:07:36,354 I DON'T THINK I'M EVER GONNA SEE MY COAT AGAIN. 133 00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:39,790 HARRY, WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN? YOU'LL FEEL A LOT BETTER. 134 00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:43,361 - RIGHT HERE. - ( farting noise ) 135 00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:46,764 - EXCUSE ME. - DAMN! 136 00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:53,071 YOU KNOW, AT LEAST I CAN TAKE COMFORT 137 00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:55,707 IN KNOWING THAT I TREATED MY COAT WELL. 138 00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,776 SUCH AS YESTERDAY. IT WAS HOT ON THE BUS. 139 00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:00,846 I TOOK IT OFF AND FOLDED IT NEATLY 140 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:04,148 AND PLACED IT UNDER THE SHADE OF MY SEAT. 141 00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:08,286 - WHAT? - YOU LEFT IT ON THE BUS. 142 00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:12,490 - NO-O-O! - YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE A LOST AND FOUND, HARRY. 143 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,693 OH, YOU MEAN, I MIGHT SEE MY COAT AGAIN? 144 00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:19,698 - OH, I AM SO HAPPY. - ( all screaming ) 145 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:22,266 DICK, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS “HUMOR” THING. 146 00:08:22,268 --> 00:08:24,402 WHY DON'T YOU TRY WHAT THOSE GUYS ON TV DO? 147 00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:27,371 - EVERYBODY SAYS THEY'RE FUNNY? - OH, YEAH, THOSE GUYS! 148 00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:29,307 YOU KNOW-- 149 00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:38,149 WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO! 150 00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:45,323 THE McLAUGHLIN GROUP? NO. 151 00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,892 THEY'RE NOT FUNNY AT ALL! 152 00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:59,136 - OH, HELLO, DICK. - HELLO, BEN. 153 00:08:59,138 --> 00:09:01,739 - I'M WAITING FOR MARY. - I'M SLEEPING WITH MARY. 154 00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:06,210 OH. OKAY. 155 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,115 SO FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD, YOU'RE QUITE THE PROFESSOR FUNNYPANTS. 156 00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:12,617 - WELL, I-- - IT'S SEEMS THAT YOU HAVE MARY 157 00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:15,887 WRAPPED AROUND YOUR LITTLE FUNNY BONE. 158 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:19,423 BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU, I AM A FAR TOUGHER... 159 00:09:19,425 --> 00:09:22,160 “BONE-WRAPPER-ER.” 160 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:25,196 I THINK I'LL WAIT OUTSIDE. 161 00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:27,899 MAKE ME LAUGH, FUNNY MAN. 162 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,935 WELL, I'M NOT A COMEDIAN. 163 00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:33,204 IT'S JUST THAT FUNNY THINGS JUST SEEM TO HAPPEN TO ME. 164 00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:36,408 - OH, REALLY? LIKE WHAT? - WELL, LIKE, LAST WEEK I WAS AT A BUS STOP, 165 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:39,310 AND IT SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING-- POURING! 166 00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,579 AND I LOOK OVER AND I SEE THIS 167 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,748 GORGEOUS GRAD STUDENT, 168 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,750 AND SHE'S LOOKING AT ME 169 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,486 LIKE A KID WITH BRACES LOOKING AT A CANDY APPLE. 170 00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,421 MMM, NO. NOT FUNNY. 171 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,523 WELL, I'M ABOUT TO SAY HELLO, 172 00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:56,927 WHEN I SUDDENLY REALIZE THAT MY HAIR HAS FLIPPED FORWARD. 173 00:09:56,929 --> 00:10:00,531 HERE I AM, STANDING IN THE RAIN WITH MY VERY OWN AWNING. 174 00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:04,035 WELL, FINALLY THE BUS ARRIVED 175 00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:06,037 AND THE DOOR OPENED, 176 00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:08,273 THE COMPRESSOR KICKED IN, 177 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:11,476 AND THIS EUROPEAN WEAVE OF MINE 178 00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,678 GOT SUCKED RIGHT INTO THE BUS! 179 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:16,081 WELL, THERE I WAS, 180 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,416 IN FRONT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL 181 00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,685 AND CHASING THAT BUS 182 00:10:20,687 --> 00:10:22,787 AND CHASING MY HAIR-- 183 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,023 UP AND DOWN, CHASING! 184 00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:27,859 AND I COULDN'T-- I JUST-- OH! 185 00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:29,994 - OH! OH! - ( Dick laughing ) 186 00:10:29,996 --> 00:10:31,997 THIS IS NOT GOOD. 187 00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:35,934 YES! YES, IT IS! THE BUS STOLE YOUR HAIR! 188 00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:38,336 CALL 911! 189 00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,872 911! 190 00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:45,009 - MARY WAS SO RIGHT ABOUT YOU, BEN! - ( groaning ) 191 00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:48,780 - WHAT'S GOING ON? - BEN'S BEEN TELLING ME THE FUNNIEST STORY 192 00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:52,316 - ABOUT THE BUS AND THE GIRL AND THE-- - ( gasps ) 193 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:55,419 - CALL 911! - YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE! 194 00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:07,732 I'M TELLING YOU, BEN'S HEART STOPPING TEMPORARILY 195 00:11:07,734 --> 00:11:10,467 WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. 196 00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:12,436 HE'S GETTING SOME MUCH-NEEDED BED REST, 197 00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:14,673 AND I'M EMCEEING THE FUNDRAISER TOMORROW NIGHT. 198 00:11:14,675 --> 00:11:18,076 - HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT? - I PROMISED DR. ALBRIGHT I'D STICK TO BEN'S SCRIPT. 199 00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:20,612 - ARE YOU GONNA? - NO. 200 00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:23,948 ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP ON OPEN-MIKE NIGHT, VERY FUNNY MAN-- 201 00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:26,150 PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR DICK SOLOMON. 202 00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:32,991 THANK YOU! THANK YOU! 203 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,660 THANKS A LOT! THANK YOU SO MUCH! 204 00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:37,695 NOW, 205 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,264 I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOME JOKES. 206 00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:42,834 JOKE ONE: 207 00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,836 I WENT FISHING LAST WEEK. 208 00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:47,371 MY PERMIT SAID I COULD ONLY CATCH FIVE. 209 00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:50,875 OH, I CAUGHT FIVE, ALL RIGHT, AS IN 35. 210 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:53,077 ( forced laughter ) 211 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:58,216 - WAS THAT FUNNY? - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 212 00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,652 BUT YOU KNOW-- 213 00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:03,721 POT-STICKERS, WHAT ARE THEY ALL ABOUT? 214 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:07,859 HAA-HAA! 215 00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,827 OKAY, JOKE NUMBER TWO: 216 00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:13,564 SOME TERMITES-- 217 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:17,602 I MEAN, HUGE TERMITES-- ATE MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT. 218 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:25,543 UH, IT'S GONE. IT'S COMPLETELY GONE. 219 00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:28,012 UH, THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE JOKE. 220 00:12:28,014 --> 00:12:30,081 - REALLY SUCK. - REALLY. 221 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,350 Dick: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WAIT. 222 00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,786 WAIT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 223 00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:38,289 HEY, LOOK! A BALD GUY. AM I RIGHT? 224 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:41,292 HAA-HAA! 225 00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:47,264 SO, WHO DO YOU THINK'S FUNNY IN OUR CLASS? 226 00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:51,135 UM, ALAN GIMBALL. 227 00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:54,572 - ALAN GIMBALL? WHY? - 'CAUSE HE'S 20. 228 00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:00,545 OH, SO-- SO YOU THINK DUMB PEOPLE ARE FUNNY? 229 00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,915 IT THEY'RE THAT DUMB, YEAH. 230 00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,950 YOU KNOW WHO I THINK IS FUNNY? DAVID BARRETT. 231 00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,787 - OH, YEAH, HE'S HYSTERICAL. - HE IS SO CLEVER. 232 00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:11,322 I MEANT BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE A BIG DORK. 233 00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:14,725 WHAT? 234 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,828 - ALL RIGHT, LET'S INSTALL THIS BABY. - SWEET! 235 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,040 - DID YOU MEASURE THE SHELVES? - YES. 236 00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:31,042 - DID YOU MEASURE THE CLOSET? - YES. 237 00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:34,445 - DID YOU MEASURE THE DOOR? - DAMN! 238 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:37,047 LISTEN, IF IT'S STORAGE YOU'RE AFTER, 239 00:13:37,049 --> 00:13:39,684 YOU CAN PUT IT IN THE HALL CLOSET DOWNSTAIRS. 240 00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,752 LET ME GET THE DOOR FOR YOU. 241 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:44,188 ALL RIGHT. KEEP IT SIDEWAYS. 242 00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:46,357 HERE WE GO. 243 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,359 ( phone ringing ) 244 00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:52,130 - UH, DUBCEK, HOLD THIS. - I GOT IT. 245 00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:54,798 I GOT IT. NO PROBLEM. I GOT IT. NO PROBLEM. 246 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,800 NO PROBLEM. 247 00:13:56,802 --> 00:14:00,104 HELLO? YEAH, JUST A SECOND. HARRY, FOR YOU. 248 00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:02,440 ( Mrs. Dubcek screaming ) 249 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,743 ( cat screeches ) 250 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,946 HELLO. 251 00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,880 WRONG NUMBER. 252 00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:14,218 SHE TOOK IT DOWN HERSELF. 253 00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:18,455 AH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. 254 00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:21,092 YOU HAD THE GUTS TO GET UP THERE, YOU KNOW? IT TAKES TIME. 255 00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:23,361 I HAVE TO BE FUNNY BY TOMORROW NIGHT! 256 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:26,030 YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT. 257 00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:28,032 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! 258 00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:30,368 WELL, DON'T OVER-THINK IT, YOU KNOW? 259 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,438 JUST TALK ABOUT THINGS YOU KNOW. THAT'S WHAT I DO. 260 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,440 YEAH. YOU MAKE FUN 261 00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:37,708 OF YOUR POOR MOTHER'S FLABBY ARMS. 262 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,744 HEY, THOSE FLABBY-ARM JOKES MADE HER 263 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,146 THE MOST POPULAR SENIOR IN FT. MEYERS, FLORIDA. 264 00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:46,951 YOU-- YOU MEAN, SHE DOESN'T HATE YOU FOR IT? 265 00:14:46,953 --> 00:14:49,553 HATE ME? NO. 266 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:53,491 SHE LOVES ME FOR IT. IT'S A JOKE. 267 00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,760 YOU MEAN, 268 00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:58,762 TRICYCLES DON'T REALLY FALL OUT OF HER ARMS? 269 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,200 UH, NO. 270 00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:05,970 OH, MY GOD! OF COURSE THEY DON'T! 271 00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:08,772 I MEAN, JUST THINK HOW FLABBY HER ARMS WOULD HAVE TO BE 272 00:15:08,774 --> 00:15:12,510 FOR A TRICYCLE TO BE UP IN THERE, AND FOR SO MANY YEARS. 273 00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:16,814 AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE IT, NOT EVEN WHEN SHE TOOK A SHOWER. 274 00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:20,418 THAT'S HYSTERICAL. I GET IT. 275 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,887 I GET THE JOKE! 276 00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:25,823 THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH! 277 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:31,362 THIS SHOULD BE FUN. 278 00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:35,299 UM, I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL HERE TONIGHT. 279 00:15:35,301 --> 00:15:37,368 BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, 280 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:41,271 I THINK THAT WE SHOULD ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THE SENSATIONAL JOB 281 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:44,742 THAT MY ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE DR. MARY ALBRIGHT HAS DONE 282 00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:48,913 IN ORGANIZING THIS TRULY WORTHWHILE EVENT. DR. ALBRIGHT. 283 00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:57,021 DON'T YOU LOVE DR. ALBRIGHT? I KNOW I DO. 284 00:15:57,023 --> 00:15:59,590 NOW, I KNOW MANY OF YOU ARE WONDERING, 285 00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:01,626 WHAT'S WITH HER LONG SLEEVES? 286 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,661 WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. 287 00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:06,163 IT'S TO COVER UP HER FLABBY ARMS. 288 00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:13,103 SHE SHOOK THEM THE OTHER DAY, AND THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS FELL OUT. 289 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,377 SHE'S, UH-- SHE'S QUITE OLD ALSO, YOU SEE. 290 00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:23,280 BUT YOU KNOW, AS SWEET AND WONDERFUL 291 00:16:23,282 --> 00:16:25,516 AS DR. ALBRIGHT IS, 292 00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:27,651 SHE CAN ALSO BE SOMEWHAT DOMINEERING, 293 00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,754 POWER-HUNGRY AND HOSTILE, 294 00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,956 AND I THINK I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY. 295 00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,091 DR. ALBRIGHT, WHILE YOU MAY NOT HAVE 296 00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:36,294 A MAN'S GENITALIA, 297 00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:39,096 AT LEAST YOU HAVE HIS RAZOR STUBBLE. 298 00:16:46,772 --> 00:16:49,373 OH, OH, OH! OH! AND THERE'S NINA. 299 00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:52,709 NINA IS DR. ALBRIGHT'S ASSISTANT. 300 00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:55,146 NINA, STAND UP, STAND UP. COME ON, STAND UP. 301 00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:57,714 SHOW EVERYBODY HOW YOU PUT THE “ASS” 302 00:16:57,716 --> 00:16:59,650 IN “ASSISTANT.” 303 00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:06,457 - I LEFT MY COAT ON THE BUS. - CAN YOU DESCRIBE IT? 304 00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,792 YES, IT HAD EIGHT WHEELS, HARD PLASTIC SEATS, 305 00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:12,196 AND WHEN IT STOPPED, IT WENT, “SH-H-H-H”" 306 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,732 - HARRY, HE MEANS THE COAT. - OH, OH! 307 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:17,468 UM, WELL, IT KIND OF LOOKED LIKE THIS ONE, ONLY IT WAS FURRY-- 308 00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:20,237 DON'T HAVE IT. NEXT. 309 00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:22,039 - NIGHT, EDDIE. - SEE YOU MONDAY. 310 00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:27,545 - HE'S GOT MY COAT. - HARRY, BE A MAN. 311 00:17:35,254 --> 00:17:37,254 HEY, MISTER, 312 00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:39,356 THAT'S MY COAT. 313 00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:42,293 - NO, IT ISN'T. - YEAH, THAT'S HIS COAT. 314 00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:45,529 IF IT'S HIS COAT, HOW COME I'M WEARING IT? 315 00:17:45,531 --> 00:17:47,498 GOOD POINT. 316 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,833 ( blow lands ) 317 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:55,739 - HEY, BABES. - GOOD MORNING, DICK. 318 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:59,142 - DID YOU SLEEP WELL? - ONCE THE ADRENALINE WORE OFF, 319 00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:01,144 LIKE A BABY. 320 00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:03,814 WHEN YOU'VE BEEN RIDING THE BULLET TRAIN TO “YUK-VILLE”" 321 00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:05,315 IT'S KIND OF HARD TO SLOW DOWN. 322 00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:08,652 I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT FAXING JOKES TO LENO. 323 00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:11,855 WHAT HAVE WE HERE? 324 00:18:11,857 --> 00:18:14,925 ELEVEN BANANA CREAM PIES! 325 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,394 ONE FOR EVERY LETTER IN MY NAME. AM I RIGHT? 326 00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:21,465 - RIGHT. - OH, GIRLS. 327 00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:25,836 - YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE. - OH, WE HAD TO. 328 00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,905 REALLY. 329 00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:30,174 YOU WERE SO FUNNY LAST NIGHT. 330 00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:32,643 - OH. - I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP US OUT. 331 00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:34,845 OH, I'D BE DELIGHTED TO SHARE MY... 332 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,847 COMEDIC EXPERTISE. 333 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:39,116 WE WHO ARE CLOWNS ARE KNOWN FOR OUR GENEROSITY. 334 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,720 MAYBE YOU CAN HELP US SETTLE AN ARGUMENT WE WERE HAVING. 335 00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:46,456 - SHOOT. - WHAT'S FUNNIER? 336 00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,392 THIS... 337 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,396 OR THIS? 338 00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:57,268 OR... IS TWO AT ONCE FUNNY? 339 00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:02,540 HOW ABOUT... 340 00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:06,644 THIS? 341 00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:12,450 IS THIS FUNNY? 342 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:18,155 I THINK... 343 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,157 THIS IS FUNNY. 344 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:23,794 YOU ARE SO RIGHT! 345 00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:28,566 THAT IS FUNNY! 346 00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:48,251 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING US. 347 00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:51,254 I'M GLAD I COULD BE OF SERVICE. 348 00:19:51,256 --> 00:19:54,124 NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, 349 00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:56,794 I HAVE A CLASS TO TEACH. 350 00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:09,740 YOU KNOW, IT'S A REMARKABLE FEELING 351 00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:11,642 TO BE ABLE TO MAKE SOMEONE ELSE LAUGH. 352 00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,877 IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU HAVE THE POWER 353 00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:16,446 TO GET INSIDE THEIR BRAIN AND TICKLE IT. 354 00:20:16,448 --> 00:20:19,717 ( scoffs ) I CAN DO THAT WITH A CHOPSTICK. 355 00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,819 IMAGINE HOW DIFFERENT WAR WOULD BE 356 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,353 IF INSTEAD OF TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER, 357 00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:25,455 PEOPLE JUST SHOWED UP ARMED WITH JOKES. 358 00:20:25,457 --> 00:20:27,724 BUT YOU COULD STILL HAVE GUNS, RIGHT? 359 00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,060 BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, EVENTUALLY YOU'D STOP LAUGHING 360 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:33,097 AND WANT TO GET ON WITH THE KILLING. 361 00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:36,334 - YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND OUT? HUMOR'S SUBJECTIVE. - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 362 00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,402 WELL, I THOUGHT THE FACT THAT NO ONE WAS LAUGHING AT YOU 363 00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,137 AT THE COMEDY CLUB WAS HYSTERICAL. 364 00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:41,505 - OH, I LOVED THAT. - VERY FUNNY. 365 00:20:41,507 --> 00:20:42,973 NO, NO. NO, THAT WASN'T FUNNY. 366 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,975 - SEE? - WHICH IS ALSO IRONIC. 367 00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:49,079 YOU WERE AT A COMEDY CLUB, AND NO ONE WAS LAUGHING. 368 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,715 HEY, SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! 369 00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:56,187 WELL, I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE MY FURRY LITTLE FRIEND FOR A WALK. 370 00:20:56,189 --> 00:20:58,422 HE'S BEEN LOCKED IN THE BASEMENT ALL WEEK. 371 00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:01,825 YOU KNOW, WHY DO THEY CALL IT A “FUR COAT” ANYWAY? 372 00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:05,396 IT'S NOT MADE OF FUR AND IT'S NOT A COAT. 373 00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:08,599 UH, ACTUALLY, HARRY, IT'S BOTH THOSE THINGS. 374 00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,667 IT WAS A JOKE. 375 00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:12,636 All: OHH! 376 00:21:12,638 --> 00:21:14,505 ( all laughing ) 377 00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:16,474 GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. 378 00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:23,481 ( '50s rock music playing ) 30563

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