Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND

BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD

JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO

HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

[ YODELING ]

>> Rusty: MY TURN. >> Early: HELL NO.

>> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT

THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

I'M EMBARRASSED, SHERIFF --

ASHAMED.

HOW COULD I TOSS THIS BOTTLE OUT

OF MY TRUCK WHEN THERE'S STILL

GOOD PARTY LIQUOR INSIDE?

[ GULPING ]

AHHH.

LIKE I AIN'T NEVER DRUNK AND

DRIVE AND THROWED OUT GARBAGE

BEFORE.

>> Sheriff: WELL, THIS AIN'T ALL

YOUR MESS, EARLY.

I MEAN, IF EVERYONE WOULD JUST

TAKE A LITTLE PRIDE IN

MOTHER EARTH, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE

TO BE OUT HERE -- THAT AND IF

YOU HADN'T HAVE WAVED YOUR JUNK

AT THAT SCHOOL BUS.

>> Early: LIKE THEM YOUNG'ERNS

AIN'T NEVER SEEN A GROWN MAN'S

PENIS. WHAT'S THIS?

I THOUGHT I SMASHED THAT WITH A

CINDER BLOCK.

>> Sheriff: WELL, THIS IS A NEW

ONE -- DOUGAL COUNTY'S FIRST

SOLAR-POWERED SPEED-LIMIT SIGN!

>> Early: USING MAGIC TO POWER

THINGS NOW?!

THIS IS NOT CHRISTIAN!

HELL NO!

>> Sheriff: WELL, THE

GAS-POWERED SIGNS WERE JUST

EXPENSIVE AS HELL, EARLY.

PLUS YOU HAD TO COME OUT HERE

AND PUT GAS IN THEM.

>> Early: AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

WE USE UP ALL THE SUNBEAMS, HUH?

THAT SUN AIN'T RENEWABLE,

NEITHER.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT POWERS THAT

BIG BALL OF LIGHT!

LEAST I KNOW WHERE MY GAS COMES

FROM -- BOYD'S GAS STATION!

THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Sheriff: EARLY, THAT SIGN'S

NEW. DON'T YOU TOUCH IT.

>> Early: COME ON NOW.

THIS IS THE WAY I EFFECT

POSITIVE CHANGE!

>> Sheriff: LOOK, YOU'VE GOT THE

RIGHT TO MAKE A PEACEFUL

PROTEST, BUT, PLEASE, EARLY, WE

JUST PUT IT IN.

PLEASE DON'T. PLEASE.

>> Early: [ GRUNTS ]

>> Sheriff: PLEASE, EARLY.

[ GUN COCKS ] PLEASE DON'T.

>> Early: I'M TOO ANGRY TO BE

PICKING UP GARBAGE AS ORDERED BY

THE COURT!

SOLAR POWER IS SUMBITCHIN'

WITCHERY!

GET A TAN WITH THAT, YOU

SUN-HUGGER!

THE SUN IS FINE IF YOU WANT TO

THROW FOOD AND SEE THINGS DURING

THE DAYTIME HOURS!

BUT RUN A TRAFFIC SIGN WITH

IT? HELL NAW!

I TELL YOU WHAT I USE --

GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SAUDI ARABIAN

OIL FROM OUR B.F.F.s IN THE DAMN

DESERT! HELL YEAH!

IT AIN'T NEVER GONNA RUN OUT!

IN MY LIFETIME, ANYHOW.

NOW LET THEM WITNESS MY BLACK

FUMES ALL THE WAY TO

WASHINGTON, D.C.!

LET'S ROLL SOME COAL, BABY!

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

WHOO!

[ ENGINE REVS, SPUTTERS ]

ALL RIGHT. I'M OUT OF GAS.

I'LL BE BACK IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES

IF Y'ALL HANG TIGHT FOR MORE OF

MY COAL-ROLLING PROTEST!

NOW CAN SOMEBODY GIVE ME A RIDE

TO THE GAS STATION?

>> Rusty: DADDY, IF, UM --

IF YOU CARPOOLIN', DON'T THAT

UNDERCUT THE MESSAGE?

>> Early: I AIN'T EVEN BEGUN TO

MAKE MY MESSAGE CLEAR YET!

BUT, YEAH, IT WOULD, SO...

GOD DAMN IT! I'LL WALK!

>> Rusty: SHERIFF, AIN'T THERE

SOME WAY YOU CAN STOP THIS?

>> Sheriff: WELL, I CAN'T ARREST

HIM FOR REVVING UNDER THE

INFLUENCE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S IN PARK.

>> Rusty: WHAT ABOUT THAT PLAN

WE TALKED ABOUT?

>> Sheriff: I GUESS WE'RE NEVER

GONNA HAVE A BETTER CHANCE,

RUSTY.

>> Early: WHAT THE...?

NO! MY TRUCK!

MY BOAT!

MY SECOND COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY

TRUCK! [ CRYING ]

WHO DO I SHOOT FOR THIS?!

>> Sheriff: CALM DOWN, EARLY.

IT'S OKAY.

THE DEALERSHIP CAME OUT AND

PICKED UP YOUR TRUCK-BOAT-TRUCK.

THESE 2002s HAD THAT FAULTY

IGNITION SWITCH. >> Rusty: YEAH.

WE WENT AHEAD AND RENTED YOU A

REPLACEMENT RIG WHILE THEY

FIX IT.

>> Sheriff: THAT'S RIGHT.

THIS HERE'S THE HAZUZAKI E-CORN!

>> Rusty: DID WE REALLY NEED

THAT SECOND CAR AND KAYAK?

>> Sheriff: BABY STEPS, RUSTY.

>> Early: HAZUZAKI, HUH?

SOUNDS LIKE A DAMN RICE-BURNING

SUSHI-RUNNER TO ME.

>> Rusty: WELL, DADDY, I MEAN,

THAT'S THE THING.

IT REALLY DON'T BURN NOTHING --

>> Sheriff: SHHH! RUSTY!

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

THIS HAZUZAKI'S BUILT AMERICAN

STRONG!

>> Early: WHERE THE GAS HOLE AT?

IN HERE?

>> Sheriff: NO, NO, NO, NO!

NO. HERE. LET ME. [ CHUCKLES ]

LET ME FILL IT FOR YOU, EARLY.

YOU GO ON AND CHECK OUT THAT

FAUX LEATHER INTERIOR, AND I'LL

BE -- I'LL BE PUTTING THE GAS

IN.

GLUG, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG...

>> Rusty: SHERIFF, YOU KNOW YOU

REALLY AIN'T GOT TO POUR IT OUT

SINCE YOU ALREADY MAKING THAT

NOISE.

>> Sheriff: CAN YOU JUST MAKE

SURE HE DON'T SEE THAT ELECTRIC PLUG?

>> Rusty: WHY'S IT GOT A

LIGHTNING-BOLT PICTURE ON THE

GAS METER?!

>> Sheriff: OH, DON'T LOOK AT

THAT!

HEY, CHECK OUT THE CUPHOLDER.

RUSTY DONE FILLED IT UP WITH DIP

SPIT, JUST LIKE THE OLD TRUCK!

>> Rusty: YEAH, AND I PUT THEM

CHAINS AROUND YOUR LICENSE PLATE

AND TRANSFERRED OVER YOUR MUDFLAPS.

>> Sheriff: HELL, WE EVEN

REINFORCED THE BUMPER SO IT CAN

HAUL YOUR TRUCK NUTS AROUND.

>> Rusty: I LIKE THAT THEY DRAG.

I'LL GIVE YOU THAT. >> Sheriff: AND LOOK --

YOUR FAVORITE BUMPER STICKER!

WHO IS JOHN GALT, ANYHOW?

>> Rusty: I KNOW WHO HE IS.

I JUST ASK OTHER PEOPLE IF THEY

KNOW WHO HE IS -- SEE IF THEY

SMART, TOO, JUST LIKE ME.

>> Sheriff: GO ON.

CRANK HER UP, EARLY.

JUST PRESS THAT BIG ERGONOMIC

BUTTON WITH THE LEAF ON IT

THERE.

[ CLICK! ]

>> Rusty: WHOA, NOW.

HOW COME SHE AIN'T A-REVVIN' UP?

>> Sheriff: RUSTY, PLUG THIS

INTO AUX AND PLAY THE TRACK

"LOUD ENGINE NOISE," BUT BE

CAREFUL.

I'VE GOT SOME HOT TRACKS ON

THERE.

>> Rusty: I GOT THE HAMMER DOWN

HERE!

THEM TIRES BACK THERE OUGHT TO

BE A-SPINNIN' LIKE HELL!

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER, REVS ]

THERE SHE GOES!

PURRING LIKE A HELLCAT!

WELP, WE'LL SEE YOU IN THE

FUNNY PAGES, SHERIFF!

WE GONNA LAY SOME RUBBER, BABY!

>> Sheriff: [ CHUCKLES ] SLOW DOWN NOW, EARLY!

NOT TOO FAST! [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Rusty: WHOO!

[ ENGINE RUMBLING ]

JUST LISTEN TO THAT 450 BIG

BLOCK!

HA! I'M GONNA JUMP THAT RAVINE

UP THERE!

>> Rusty: NO, DADDY!

DON'T JUMP THE RAVINE!

LET'S JUST TAKE THE BRIDGE!

>> Early: HELL, LET'S TAKE THE

SKY! WHOO!

>> Rusty: DON'T DO IT, DADDY!

>> Early: HELL YEAH! WHOO!

>> Rusty: NO, DADDY, NO!

>> Early: HA HA!

CANNOT BE STOPPED, BABY!

>> Rusty: DADDY!!

>> Early: WHOO!

[ CREAK! CREAK! CREAK! ]

>> Rusty: THANK GOD I WENT WITH

THE TUNGSTEN NUTS. I BUY THEM LIGHT-ASS

CARBON-FIBER NUTS AND WE'D BE

DEADER THAN HELL RIGHT NOW.

[ RUMBLING STOPS ]

>> ♪ COME ON, EVERYBODY! ♪

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Early: IS THERE SOMETHING YOU

WANT TO TELL ME, BOY?

ELECTRIC?! NO, NO, NO!

>> Rusty: YEAH, SEE?

SEE, THE E-CORN JUST PLUGS IN A

WALL, LIKE YOUR HAIR DRYER AND

YOUR CURLING IRON AND YOUR LEG

SHAVER.

>> Early: SHH! DON'T TELL NOBODY

ABOUT MY GROOMING ROUTINE!

>> Rusty: DADDY, WITH THAT

E-CORN, YOU AIN'T NEVER GOT TO

BUY GAS EVER AGAIN.

>> Early: WELL, JUST WHERE IN

THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE

GONNA PLUG IT IN, HUH?

UNH-UNH.

NOT THE HOT ROCKIN' SANTA CLAUS

IN THE BUBBLE GLOBE!

>> Granny: HERE WE GO!

THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS CONTINUES!

>> Early: THAT'S A DEDICATED

OUTLET RIGHT THERE.

>> Rusty: COME ON, DADDY. THERE'S A COPPERHEAD'S BEEN

LIVING IN THAT THING FOR LIKE

FIVE YEARS.

>> Early: AND YOU'RE GONNA PUT

HIM OUT ON THE STREET AT CHRISTMASTIME?

AWW, DON'T BE A SCROOGE.

THEY CHRISTMAS SNAKES.

>> Granny: WHERE'S YOUR HOLIDAY

SPIRIT?!

>> Rusty: NOW, LOOK -- Y'ALL

DON'T UNPLUG THIS, THE E-CORN

NEEDS 12 HOURS FOR A COMPLETE

CHARGE.

>> Early: SO, WHAT IN THE HELL

AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHILE THAT

THING IS PLUGGING IN?

YOU EXPECT ME TO JUST RUN AROUND

THE DAMN HOUSE MAKING ENGINE

NOISES WITH MY MOUTH FOR THE

NEXT 12 HOURS?! IS THAT IT?!

>> Rusty: WELL, SINCE YOU AIN'T

GOT NOTHING TO REV, MAYBE YOU

AND I COULD...BOND A LITTLE OR

SOMETHING -- YOU KNOW,

FATHER-SON STUFF.

>> Early: [ IMITATING ENGINE

REVVING ]

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!

GET OUT OF MY WAY, SUMBITCH!

[ IMITATES ENGINE REVVING ]

>> Rusty: DADDY, YOU MIND

CUTTING OFF YOUR INVISIBLE

TRUCK?

>> Early: [ IMITATES TIRES

SCREECHING ]

THIS IS A INVISIBLE A.T.V. NOW,

DUMBASS.

I GOT A HELL OF A TRADE-IN!

>> Rusty: SIT DOWN AND COME TAKE

A LOOK AT THIS.

>> THE COUPLE HAS BUT A SINGLE

GOAL.

>> Early: IS THIS "ROAD HOUSE"?

WHERE'S SWAYZE, AND WHY AIN'T HE

A-PUNCHIN' NONE OF THEM PENGUINS

OUT?

>> Rusty: 'CAUSE THIS AIN'T

"ROAD HOUSE."

>> Early: SOMEBODY DONE DRUNK

MOST OF HIS SIX-PACK OF TURTLES.

OOH, HELL!

SWAYZE'S GONNA BE PISSED OFF.

>> Rusty: DADDY, THEY'RE SAYING

THAT WE'RE DESTROYING OUR

PLANET, BURNING GAS LIKE WE DO.

WE KEEP IT UP, ALL THESE

CRITTERS AIN'T EVEN GONNA EXIST

NO MORE.

>> Early: WAIT.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU A

HOMOSEXUAL?

>> Rusty: NO, DADDY.

I-I'M SAYING AIN'T NOBODY

LOOKING TOWARD THE FUTURE.

IT'S ALL ABOUT RIGHT NOW.

>> Early: HALF-LISTENING TO YOU

MAKES ME REALIZE HOW FRAGILE

LIFE IS, RUSTY.

[ Voice breaking ] I MISS MY

TRUCKS.

I'MA GO SEE IF THEY FIXED

MY TRUCKS!

>> Rusty: DADDY, WAIT!

DON'T GO DOWN THERE!

>> Early: MY TRU-U-U-U-U-CKS!

>> Rusty: HE'S HEADED TO THE

DEALERSHIP, SHERIFF! I COULDN'T STOP HIM!

>> Rusty: [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ]

SON OF A...GUN!

THAT'S A PRETTY LITTLE RIG RIGHT

THERE! WHOO! DAMN!

>> HEY, FRIEND.

WHAT WOULD IT TAKE TO PUT YOU IN

THIS TRUCK AND BOAT AND OTHER

TRUCK TODAY?

I WOULD SELL YOU JUST ONE OF

THEM, BUT THE PREVIOUS OWNER

WELDED THE TOW HITCHES TOGETHER,

SO...

>> Early: [ CHUCKLES ]

SMART MAN.

YOU ONLY GOT TO BUY ONE TAG.

NOW TELL ME ABOUT THE INTERIOR.

>> WELL, IT HAS A FAULTY

IGNITION SWITCH, AND THE

CASSETTE DECK COMES WITH THIS

FREE COAT HANGER TO PRY OUT

DAVID ALLEN COE'S GREATEST HITS.

>> Early: YEAH. MINE HAD THAT, TOO.

THAT MUST COME STANDARD WITH THE

MODEL.

DOES THE BACK TRUCK GOT A BEAD

SEAT CAKED WITH BRUNSWICK-STEW

BARF?

>> WELL, WE PRESSURE-WASHED IT,

BUT -- BUT WE COULD...REINSTALL

THAT FOR YOU.

>> Early: NO, NO. THAT'S OKAY.

I NEVER LIKED THAT TRIM PACKAGE.

YOU WASTING BREATH HERE, CHIEF.

I GOT ME A RIG JUST LIKE THIS

GETTING FIXED IN YOUR

DEALERSHIP.

>> WELL, WE DON'T -- WE DON'T

HAVE A RIG LIKE THIS IN SERVICE.

I MEAN, THIS IS THE ONLY ONE WE

HAVE.

>> Early: WAIT.

WHAT THE...?

WHAT THE...?

WHAT THE...?

I KNEW IT!

THIS TRUCK-BOAT-TRUCK IS MINE!

[ GUN COCKS ] >> Sheriff: STOP!

>> Early: YOU'D BEST HAVE

YOURSELF A DAMN GOOD

EXPLANATION!

AND SOMEBODY BETTER TELL ME WHO

THE HELL JOHN GLAT IS, TOO!

NOBODY KNOWS, AND, DAMN IT, I'M

TIRED OF TRYING TO PRETEND!

>> Sheriff: DON'T DO NOTHING

CRAZY, NOW!

HOLD ON! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!

HANG ON. I'M GETTING THERE.

>> Rusty: AW, HELL WITH THIS.

I'M GETTING OUT.

LISTEN, DADDY, THAT

TRUCK-BOAT-TRUCK WAS REALLY BAD

FOR THE ENVIRONMENT, OKAY?

>> Early: SO?

>> Sheriff: AND IF YOU WEREN'T

FILLING THIS BEHEMOTH UP THREE

TIMES A DAY, Y'ALL MIGHT BE JUST

ABOVE THE POVERTY LINE.

>> Early: SO?

>> Rusty: AND WITH THE TAX

BREAKS THE WAY THEY ARE, HELL,

WE BASICALLY GOT A THREE-YEAR

LEASE ON THESE E-CORNS FOR FREE.

>> Early: SO?

>> Sheriff: PLUS, WE WEREN'T

LYING.

IT STILL DOES HAVE THAT FAULTY

IGNITION SWITCH.

>> Rusty: YEAH, DADDY.

THIS THING'S A ROLLING DEATH

TRAP.

>> Early: SON, THIS ROLLING

DEATH TRAP IS ALL THAT MATTERS

TO ME.

I MEAN, Y'ALL -- Y'ALL COOL,

TOO, BUT HOW AM I GONNA REV A

LOVED ONE, HUH?

SHERIFF, YOU GONNA LET ME RIDE

PIGGYBACK ON YOUR SHOULDERS

BLASTING HANK JR.'s GREATEST

HITS OUT OF YOUR BUTTHOLE?

>> Sheriff: I DON'T THINK I

COULD DO THAT.

>> Early: RUSTY, CAN YOU BARF

BLACK SMOKE OUT YOUR MOUTH AND

NOSE HOLES WHILE I PRESS ON YOUR

BALLS WITH MY FOOT?

>> Rusty: I GUESS NOT, DADDY.

>> Early: THEN YOU STEP ASIDE

AND LET ME DO THE ONE AND ONLY

THING THAT MAKES THIS LIFE WORTH

LIVING! >> Sheriff: UH, WAIT.

YOU STILL GOT THAT FAULTY

IGNITION SWITCH.

>> Early: IT'S AN AMERICAN-MADE

FAULTY IGNITION SWITCH.

UNITED WE STAND!

>> MADE IN GEORGIA.