Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

>> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND

BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD

JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO

HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES ♪ >> Rusty: MY TURN.

>> ♪ WHEN I GO ♪ >> Early: HELL NO.

>> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT

THING! COME ON!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

[ ANIMALS CALLING ]

>> Rusty: DADDY, WHY DO WE GOT

TO DO THIS?

>> Early: WINTER'S A-COMIN'.

IF WE DON'T HUNT, WE DON'T EAT.

NOW, EVERYBODY, DON YOUR CAMO.

NOW LET'S DO THIS!

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE ARE.

Y'ALL SLATHER ME DOWN WITH THE

SCENT.

>> Granny: [ GULPS ]

OH.

SO, THIS WASN'T OUR LUNCH?

>> Early: DAMN IT, WE NEED THAT

SAUCE TO HUNT!

HOW YOU EXPECT US TO SNEAK UP ON

A WHOLE FIELD FULL O' APPLES IF

WE DON'T SMELL LIKE 'EM?

>> Granny: NOW, WHICH ONES ARE

THE APPLES?

ARE THEM THEM RED ONES THAT

NAKED BITCH ATE IN THE GARDEN

AND RUINED IT FOR THE REST OF

US? >> Early: SHH! SHH!

SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH NOW!

GIMME A BOOST.

>> APPLES, APPLES, APPLES!

THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS!

FEAST YOUR EYES ON THE WONDER OF

A FRUIT THAT HANGS FROM A BRANCH

AND DOESN'T DO MUCH FOR MANY

MONTHS AT A TIME!

[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]

>> Early: [ GRUNTING ]

>> WHAT THE HELL?

>> Rusty: DADDY, APPLE TOUR!

>> Early: AH, HELL. FREEZE!

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

DON'T MOVE.

>> Granny: OH!

[ MOANING ]

NO, NO, I CAN'T TAKE IT!

WE'RE MADE!

>> Rusty: GRANNY, NO!

[ STATIC ]

>> CODE RED -- THREE WORMS IN

SECTOR SIX.

>> Granny: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

>> WELL, I'LL BE!

THIS ONE HERE MOVES LIKE SHE'S

ON GREASED RAILS!

>> Early: MOVE VERY SLOWLY.

OVER MANY MONTHS.

JUST LIKE A TREE.

>> Sheriff: ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL,

DROP THE POMACEOUS FRUITS AND

GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!

>> Early: DAMN IT!

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

>> I AIN'T GONNA PRESS CHARGES,

SHERIFF, NOT IF THEY'RE WILLING

TO HELP ME OUT AT MY FALL FAIR.

>> Early: OH, YOU WANT ME TO BE

THE EMCEE -- STEP UP AND RUN

THIS WHOLE THING?!

>> OH, YOU'LL BE RUNNIN'.

>> Granny: AAH!

>> RUNNIN' QUITE A BIT, YES,

SIR. [ PIGS SNORTING ]

>> Early: WHAT THE H-- RACIN'

PIGS?!

>> SWEET!

NOW, WHO'S READY TO SEE THEM

SOME PIG RACIN'?!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ PIG SNORTS ]

>> Early: I AIN'T RACIN' AROUND

A DAMN DIRT CIRCLE LIKE SOME DAMN FOOL WITH --

[ GUNSHOT ]

RABBIT! RABBIT!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> Granny: OHH!

>> Early: I WANT THE RABBIT!

>> Rusty: WHOO-HOO! IMMA WIN!

>> Early: DON'T YOU DARE WIN!

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

I NEED TO WIN!

>> Rusty: ALL RIGHT THEN.

>> Early: EARLY CUYLER

[BREATHES HEAVILY] BABY!

>> Granny: GET THAT RABBIT

QUICK! GET IT, GET IT, GET IT!

>> Early: W-WHAT?!

>> Granny: GET THAT RABBIT!

>> Early: NOOO!

>> Granny: WAIT, WHERE'D IT GO?

>> AND THE WINNER -- THE SMALL,

UH, GIRL ONE. >> Granny: YAY!

>> BEST GUESS.

THAT'S A WOMAN, RIGHT?

>> Granny: I GUESS THE RABBIT

WENT BACK IN THE HOLE!

[ GASPS ]

SIX MORE WEEKS OF SUMMER!

>> Rusty: DANG, GRANNY, WHERE'D

YOU LEARN TO RUN LIKE THAT?

>> Granny: OH, THE SPIRIT JUST

COME OVER ME, I RECKON.

ALSO, I WAS BEING CHASED BY

IMAGINARY MIND BEES.

>> Rusty: DID YOU SEE THAT,

DADDY?

SHE BLEW RIGHT PAST YOU.

>> Early: WHAT I SEEN WAS THIS

HERE CHEST LUMP WITH GLASSES

ROBBING ME OF MY FIRST-PLACE

FINISH!

I DIDN'T HAVE NO IMAGINARY BEES

TO RUN WITH!

>> LISTEN TO THAT CROWD!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THEY'RE REALLY TAKING TO

GRANNY HOTFOOT HERE!

>> Early: GRANNY HOTFOOT?!

>> HA, I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL

HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO COMPETE

WITH THIS LITTLE OCTOGENARIAN.

>> Granny: YAY!

>> Early: LISTEN HERE,

EARLY CUYLER DON'T RACE FOR NO

MAN -- UNLESS HIS PRIDE IS

QUESTIONED AND HIS RAGE CLOUDS

HIS ABILITY TO SEE HIS BEST

INTERESTS!

SO HE WANT HISSELF A REMATCH,

DAMN IT, RIGHT NOW!

>> Granny: IF YOU WANT A PIECE

OF THIS, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

PICK UP THE PACE, ALICE.

>> Early: DON'T YOU GET INSIDE

MY HEAD!

I'M THE ONE WHO MANIPULATES MY

MIND!

>> PUT 'EM IN THE GATES!

>> Rusty: YOU WANT ME TO DO LIKE

I DONE BEFORE AND STOP BEFORE

THE FINISH LINE?

>> Early: YES, DAMN IT!

>> Granny: THAT'D BE GREAT,

DEAR.

HOW'S THE WEATHER BACK THERE?!

>> Early: YOU SEE THAT WALKER

SHE'S GOT?!

THAT'S AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE!

[ GRUNTS ]

>> Granny: ONE ORDER OF MY DUST

COMIN' RIGHT UP!

>> Early: OH, I CAN'T WIN NO

RACE IN A DAMN WALKER!

>> Granny: OH, ORSON, SHE'S

BEAUTIFUL!

WHO IS SHE NOW? [ PIG SNORTING ]

>> Early: YAH! YAH! GET IT ON!

YEAH! WHOO!

>> Granny: I'M JUST DOING THIS

FOR FUN NOW!

>> Early: S-SHE BUMPED ME!

DID ANYBODY SEE THAT?!

MY AERODYNAMIC HELMET WEIGHS A

SUMBITCHIN' TON!

>> Granny: YOU STILL HERE?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HERE YOU GO, CHUBBY.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD DROP OUT OF

SCHOOL AND RACE PIGS.

IT'S MUCH EASIER, AND YOU GET

LAID A LOT.

WHAT?!

I'M AN ATHLETE, NOT A ROLE

MODEL!

[ PIGS SNORTING ]

[ BOTH SNORTING, MUNCHING ]

>> Granny: MMM, MMM!

DELICIOUS!

>> Early: HEY, THAT THERE IS

PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING BURGER

MEAT -- ESSENTIAL CHEESE

VITAMINS!

THAT BITCH IS DOPIN'!

>> OOH, GRANNY HOTFOOT, LOOKS

LIKE WE GOT US A WHISTLE-BLOWER

HERE.

>> Granny: THIS AIN'T NOTHING

BUT A WITCH-HUNT.

[ SLURPS ] THEY AFTER MY TITLE.

>> Early: WE AIN'T EATING

NOTHIN' IN HERE EXCEPT APPLE

CORES AND PIG SHIT!

>> Rusty: DADDY, NOW, DON'T ROCK

THE BOAT NOW. THIS STUFF'S PRETTY GOOD.

>> Early: I CALL FOR YOU TO FORM

HAMBURGER AND TACO TESTIN'

ACROSS THE BOARD!

>> Granny: OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH

OF THIS, OPRAH.

THIS INTERVIEW'S OVER.

I'LL SEE YOUR ASS ON THE TRACK.

>> Early: YOU SURE AS HELL WILL!

>> Granny: I'LL SAY "HI" AS I

BLOW YOUR DAMN DOORS OFF.

>> Early: Y-YOU DON'T GET -- I-I

GET THE DAMN LAST WORD, BITCH!

AND THAT WAS IT, WHAT I JUST

SAID!

>> Granny: OH, YEAH, THAT'S

GREAT. >> OH, YEAH!

>> Granny: MM, THAT'S DEEP!

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> Granny: SO DEEP!

>> YEAH, YOU GOT CRAMPING AND

TENSION ALL UP AND DOWN YOU LEGS

AND BACK.

CAN'T SEEM TO WORK THIS KNOT

OUT.

>> Granny: OH, I WOULDN'T KILL

YOURSELF ON THAT ONE.

I THINK THAT'S A BRAIN TUMOR

THAT MIGRATED.

>> TICKET SALES ARE THROUGH THE

ROOF, MY LITTLE PURPLE CHAMPION!

[ GRUNTS ]

FOLKS ARE COMIN' FROM AS FAR

AWAY AS ELLIJAY TO WATCH YOU RUN

IN THE MUD AGAINST YOUR

FIRSTBORN.

>> Granny: IF HE WAS ANY SLOWER,

HE'D BE GOIN' BACKWARDS!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Early: OOH, BITCH.

>> Granny: YOU THINK I COULD GET

A REFILL ON THIS APPLETINI,

LOVE?

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

[ SMACK! ]

>> OH, QUIT! [ LAUGHS ]

>> Granny: OH, I'VE BANGED GAYER

DUDES THAN YOU.

I'LL SET YOU STRAIGHT IN A

FORTNIGHT, HONEY.

[ SIZZLING ] OOH, THE HANDS!

>> Early: YEAH, WE GONNA DO US

SOME HOT-OIL THERAPY NOW.

>> Granny: OH, THAT SOUNDS --

WAIT, WHAT?!

>> Early: AND A CHEMICAL FACE

PEEL!

>> Granny: [ GURGLING ]

>> Early: STRAIGHT ON DOWN TO

THE BONE!

>> Rusty: DADDY, DON'T!

>> Early: [ Grunting ] YOU'RE

RIGHT!

MY DAMN ARM'S BURNING! OHH!

>> Rusty: OH, MY GOD, GRANNY,

ARE YOU OKAY?! >> Granny: [ MOANING ]

>> Early: WHY?! >> Granny: AAH!

>> Early: WHY ARE YOU MAKIN' ME

DO THIS?! >> Granny: AAH!

>> Early: STILL WHY?! >> Granny: AAH!

>> Early: I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY!

>> Granny: AAH!

>> Early: I TRIED TO WARN YOU!

>> Granny: AAH!

>> Early: BUT THIS IS WHAT YOU

GET WHEN YOU DON'T RACE FAIR!

>> Granny: AAH!

>> Early: [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

>> Granny: [ MOANING ]

>> APPLETINI A-CO-- OH,

GRANNY HOTFOOT, WHAT HAPPENED!

[ BAT CLATTERS ]

>> Early: UH, SHE FELL DOWN THE

STAIRS I-INTO THE FRITTER

MACHINE, WHICH IS HERE NOW AND,

WELL, SO AM I.

UH, I-I JUST CAME HERE LOOKING

FOR THE MACHINE.

OH, UH, HERE IT IS.

LOOKS LIKE SHE FELL IN IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ FEEDBACK ]

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M

SORRY TO REPORT GRANNY HOTFOOT

WON'T BE RACING TONIGHT.

[ SPECTATORS GASP ]

>> OH, UH, CALM DOWN NOW, FOLKS!

WE GOT ANIMALS DRESSED AS MOVIE

STARS, WE SURE DO!

Y'ALL LIKE THAT, DON'T YA?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FIRST UP TO THE STARTING LINE,

PLEASE WELCOME SQUID ROCK!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ PIG SNORTING ]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

NEXT UP, HE'S THE VILLAIN YOU

LOVE TO HATE!

STRAIGHT FROM THE SOCK HOP, IT'S

INKY TUSCADERO!

[ SPECTATORS BOOING ]

>> Early: YOU WANT YOU SOME OF

THIS?!

IT'S GOIN' DOWN TONIGHT, BABY!

[ BOOING CONTINUES ]

>> Rusty: I DON'T LIKE THEM

DRESSING US UP LIKE PEOPLE.

IT'S DEHUMANIZIN'.

>> Early: UNH-UNH, IT'S

RE-HUMANIZING, YOU SEE?

'CAUSE THEY MAKING US LOOK LIKE,

YOU KNOW, HUMAN PEOPLE AND ALL.

>> Rusty: NAH, DADDY, THEY'RE

TAKING AWAY OUR DIGNITY.

[ PIG SNORTS ]

>> Early: YOU'RE MISSING THE

POINT.

WE LOOK LIKE PEOPLE NOW.

>> WHAT'S THIS?! [ FEEDBACK ]

I'M GETTING WORD FROM THE TUNNEL

WE HAVE A LATE ENTRY.

>> Early: WHAT THE HELL'S THIS?!

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE

YOU YOUR REIGNING CHAMPION,

GRANICUS HOTFOOT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ FANFARE ]

>> Granny: I...

AM...

GRANICUS!

>> Early: YOU AIN'T IN NO

CONDITION TO RACE!

>> Granny: OH, SON, YOU MAY HAVE

GOTTEN MY GOOD LOOKS, BUT YOU

NEVER GOT MY WILL TO WIN!

[ CACKLES ]

>> Early: [ SNIFFLING ]

TO HELL WITH THIS MESS!

[ CRYING ]

>> Rusty: DADDY, WHERE YOU

GOING?

>> Granny: IF ONLY HE RAN LIKE

THAT IN THE RACE, HE MIGHT WIN

ONE!

[ LAUGHS ]

RUSTY, I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO LAY

UP AGAIN FOR ME.

>> ON YOUR MARKS!

SET!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING,

SCREAMING ]

>> Early: OUT OF MY WAY, YOU

DUMBASSES!

WHOO! WHOO-HOO!

YEAH! WHOO!

>> NO, MY BEAUTIFUL MENAGERIE!

>> Granny: GET ON, SNOWBALL!

STOP SNIFFIN' YOUR BROTHER'S

ASS! HE'S DEAD!

>> Early: HELL YEAH!

WHOO! VICTORY IS MINE!

[ ENGINE REVVING ]

WHAT THE?!

>> Granny: [ GRUNTS ]

IT'S OVER, EARLY!

>> Early: NOTHING IS OVER!

>> Granny: IMMA WIN!

>> Early: I NEED THIS!

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

[ PIG SNORTING ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

[ FLIES BUZZING ]

>> OH, LORD, NO, THIS MESS AIN'T

GONNA FLY ON A BILLBOARD.

OKAY, THAT'S IT. SHOW'S OVER.

WE'RE GOIN' CORN MAZE.

PUT 'EM ALL TO SLEEP.

WIPE IT CLEAN.

[ PIG SNORTS ]

>> Early: OH, OH, I SEE HOW HE

WON NOW, GETTING HIS DAMN BLOOD

DOPED OVER THERE! [ PIG SQUEALS ]

>> Rusty: HE'S GETTING EUTHANIZED, DADDY.

>> Granny: HEY, I WANT TO BE

YOUNGER!

>> Rusty: THAT AIN'T WHAT THAT

MEANS, GRANNY!

WE NEED TO GET ON OUT OF HERE!

>> Early: LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO

TAINT MY CHAMPIONSHIP, BUT,

HELL, EVERYBODY'S JUICING NOW,

AND I GOT TO DO WHAT I GOT TO DO

TO STAY COMPETITIVE.

>> Granny: IF HE GETS THAT SHOT,

I WANT THE SHOT, TOO!

>> Rusty: I'LL SEE Y'ALL.

[ FLIES BUZZING ]

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

>> Granny: MADE IN GEORGIA!