Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ UNH ♪

♪ MY DREAMS ♪

♪ ARE ALL DEAD AND BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN ♪

♪ WOULD JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD CALLS AND CALLS ME TO

HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

♪ OW! ♪

>> Rusty: MY TURN.

>> Early: HELL NO.

>> Rusty: HEY, MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

COME ON!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

[ BELL RINGS ]

>> Rusty: THERE YOU GO, SIR!

THANK YOU MUCH!

[ CAR HORN HONKS ]

>> HEY, RUSTY!

SAY HEY TO YOUR DADDY, RANDY.

>> Rusty: THERE'S MY GUY.

WHAT'S UP, HOSS?

>> [ COOING ]

ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.

NOW, HERE'S JUNE AND JULY, AND I

GUESS THAT CATCHES US UP.

HERE'S A LITTLE EXTRA. NOW, THAT'S FOR YOU.

GET MAMA TO GO BUY YOU A ONESIE

IN TOWN.

BE SURE TO RIP THEM SLEEVES OFF.

BA-BAM!

>> BA-BAM!

[ BELL RINGS ]

>> THANK YOU FOR THIS, RUSTY.

WE SURE APPRECIATE YOU.

>> Rusty: I APPRECIATE YOU, TOO,

TAMMI -- HOW FINE YOU LOOKIN'.

I'D APPRECIATE THE HELL OUT OF

YOU RIGHT NOW IF YOU'D LET ME.

>> YEAH, I GET IT, RUSTY.

>> Rusty: I KNOW, I KNOW -- BABY

STEPS.

>> [ COOS ] >> Rusty: BUT I'M GONNA EARN YOU

BACK! YOU'LL SEE!

'CAUSE I'M A MAN! BA-BAM!

>> BA-BAM!

>> Early: WHERE THE HELL YOU

BEEN?!

>> Granny: YEAH, YOU ALL RUNNING

OUT IN THE MORNING, SAYING YOU'S

GOING TO WORK AND THEN COMING

HOME ALL TIRED EIGHT HOURS

LATER, TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU'S

AT WORK!

>> Rusty: 'CAUSE I WAS AT WORK.

>> Granny: HERE HE GOES!

>> Early: YOU AIN'T BEEN AT

WORK 'CAUSE MY BOY AIN'T GONNA

WORK! YOU KNOW HOW DAMN HARD I WORK

TRYING NOT TO WORK JUST TO HAVE

YOU WORK?! >> Rusty: I DONE TOLD Y'ALL 20

TIMES, I'M WORKIN' AT THE CAR

WASH, MAKING ME SOME DAMN MONEY.

>> Early: M-MONEY? >> Granny: MONEY?!

>> Early: MONEY! HELL YEAH! >> Granny: WE MADE IT!

>> Early: SOMEBODY IN THIS

FAMILY DONE MADE SOME DAMN

MONEY! >> Granny: GIVE UP THE MONEY!

>> Rusty: I ALREADY GAVE AWAY THE MONEY.

>> Granny: YOU WHAT?!

>> Rusty: I TOLD YA, EVERY DIME

I MAKE GOES TO CHILD SUPPORT.

>> Early: CUYLER MONEY -- IN

TAMMI'S HANDS?!

>> Granny: THAT GOLD-DIGGING

WHORE!

>> Rusty: I ALSO JUST HAD TO PAY

FOR HIS SHOTS.

>> Granny: YOU'RE SPOILING THAT

BABY BY GIVING HIM

IMMUNIZATIONS! A CHILD NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT

RICKETS FEEL LIKE!

>> Early: IF THAT CHILD'S EVEN

YOURS.

>> Rusty: WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN

BY THAT?

>> Early: THAT BABY AIN'T GOT NO SQUID BLOOD IN HIM!

>> Granny: I WANT TO LOVE IT,

BUT I DON'T TRUST IT WITH THAT

CREAM-CHEESY DAMN SKIN!

I'M SORRY -- I SAID IT!

>> Rusty: Y'ALL CUT IT OUT.

OF COURSE RANDY'S...MINE.

>> Early: COUNT HOW MANY LEGS

HE'S GOT.

HAS HE GOT EIGHT, LIKE US?

>> Rusty: ONE...

TWO... OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT!

HE'S ONLY GOT TWO LEGS!

>> Early: LIKE A TWO-LEGGED,

TWO-ARMED, 10-FINGERED FREAK

SHOW!

>> Granny: TAMMI DONE SPREAD HER

LEGS IN THE DIRT FOR SOME HUMAN

MAN, AND THAT'S WHAT COME OUT!

>> Rusty: UH, THAT AIN'T TRUE!

TAMMI WOULDN'T DO THAT!

>> Granny: SHE'S PROBABLY OUT

PAINTING THE TOWN RED RIGHT NOW

WITH SOME NEW FELLA, AND YOU'RE

THE ONE WHO BOUGHT 'EM ALL THE

PAINT!

>> YOU GET ANYTHING YOU WANT --

SALAD, SOFT-SERVE, UNLIMITED

CRESCENT ROLLS.

THIS IS YOUR NIGHT.

>> WELL, THANK YOU, DENNY.

THAT'S REAL SWEET. >> NOW, LIFT ME UP, SEE

WHAT KIND OF JELLO THEY GOT.

>> YEAH.

>> NOW, DON'T BE A WALLFLOWER.

TELL ME SOMETHING INTERESTING

ABOUT YOU.

>> WELL, I'M TAKING COLLEGE

CLASSES ONLINE --

>> THIS HERE HAND ONLY GOT

THREE FINGERS. THAT'S INTERESTING.

I COME OUT OF THE WOMB WITH THIS

MUSTACHE, TOO.

PRETTY INTERESTING.

I'M WAY INTO JELLO.

I BET THAT'S HOW WE FOUND EACH

OTHER ON THE DOUGAL DOUBLES ON

ACCOUNT OF WE BOTH LIKE JELLO SO

DAMN MUCH.

>> YEAH.

AND ALSO 'CAUSE THERE'S NOT A

WHOLE LOT OF PROFILES ON THAT

DOUGAL COUNTY DATING SITE.

>> IT'S LIKE THE INTERNET

DECIDED THAT WE WAS DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> PLEASE DON'T THROW JELLO AT

ME.

>> I'M JUST PLAYIN'.

PASS ME THEM CRAYONS.

I THINK I'M GONNA DRAW ME A

PONTOON BOAT.

[ CICADAS CHIRPING ]

>> Early: NOW, YOU JUST MARCH

YOUR ASS UP THERE AND SNATCH THAT YOUNG'ERN AND TEST HIS

MOLECULES IN THE COMPUTER 'CAUSE

IF HE AIN'T YOURS, THEN YOU

AIN'T GOT TO PAY NO-DAMN-BODY.

>> Rusty: I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE

WAS RUNNING AROUND ON ME THIS

WHOLE TIME.

>> Early: HEY, I KNOW.

NOT TO BE SEXUALIST, BUT YOU

CAN'T TRUST A DAMN STUPID-ASS

BITCH WHORE FARTHER THAN YOU CAN

THROW HER!

AND I KNOW 'CAUSE I THROW ME

SOME WOMANS ALL THE TIME.

SKINNY WOMANS WILL TRAVEL

FARTHER. IT'S A BONE-DENSITY THING.

YOU KNOW, IT'S SCIENCE.

NOW, YOU JUST RING THAT

DOORBELL AND REPEAT AFTER ME.

[ BUZZERS SOUNDS ]

>> HEY, RUSTY, UM...

IT'S -- IT'S LATE. IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?

>> Early: Ignore the hell out of

her. Drives her crazy, gets them

loins moist. >> Rusty: IGNORE THE HELL OUT OF

HER.

DRIVES HER CRAZY, GETS HER LOINS

MOIST. >> Early: NO, DON'T REPEAT WHAT

I SAY! OH, HELL!

Just get your ass inside!

TELL HER! >> Rusty: BUT YOU SAID NOT TO

REPEAT WHAT I SAY.

>> Early: Now I'm saying

different! DON'T DO WHAT I SAID!

SAY WHAT I DO! Go on now!

Get your ass inside and come

back out!

>> RUSTY, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

>> Rusty: GO YOUR ASS INSIDE,

THEN COME BACK OUT. >> Early: Don't you talk to her

now.

>> Rusty: WHEN CAN I TALK? >> O-KAY, I'M GONNA GO BACK

INSIDE NOW.

>> Rusty: OKAY, BUT THEN GET

YOUR ASS BACK OUT HERE!

>> Early: IT WORKED! >> Rusty: YEAH!

>> Early: MAN, YOU GOT HER ON

HER HEELS!

NOW, YOU RING THAT BELL AGAIN

AND CLOSE THE DEAL!

[ BUZZER SOUNDS ]

>> WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT,

RUSTY?! >> Early: Evening Tammi.

>> Rusty: EVENING TAMMI. >> Early: What are you doing on

this fine-ass night? >> Rusty: WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON

THIS FINE-ASS NIGHT? >> RUSTY...

>> Early: I know you're lonely without a man in your

life.

>> Rusty: I KNOW YOU'RE LONELY WITHOUT A MAN IN YOUR LIFE.

>> Early: But I know somebody who could put some hard Georgia

pine in your wood chipper. >> Rusty: BUT I KNOW SOMEBODY

WHO COULD PUT SOME HARD GEORGIA

PINE IN YOUR WOOD CHIPPER.

>> Early: You know my daddy,

Early, over there in the bushes? >> Rusty: YOU KNOW MY DADDY,

EARLY, OVER THERE IN THE BUSHES?

>> Early: EVENING, TAMMI!

Get over there and put your

tongue in his ear.

>> Rusty: NOW, GO OVER THERE AND

PUT YOUR TONGUE IN MY DADDY'S --

DADDY, WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON

HERE? WHERE ARE WE GOING WITH THIS?

>> Early: LET HER DO IT, SON.

THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS.

>> Y'ALL ARE BOTH PATHETIC!

>> IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE,

BABE?

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> Rusty: YOU ON A DATE -- WITH

LITTLE DENNY?!

>> WHOA, NOW, THAT'S

DEPUTY LITTLE DENNY TO YOU,

CUYLER. >> Rusty: I DON'T WANT THIS

SAWED-OFF, JELLO-BREATH TWERP

AROUND MY SON! >> OH, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH

JELLO NOW? >> Rusty: LET ME HOLD MY

YOUNG'UN! >> IT IS LATE, RUSTY.

NOW, I THINK YOU NEED TO BE

GOING ON.

>> Rusty: DAMN STRAIGHT I DO!

AND I'LL BE TAKING RANDY WITH

ME!

>> RUSTY, NO! MY BOY!

DO SOMETHING, DENNY!

>> I, UH, OFFICER IN PURSUIT,

OFFICER IN PURSUIT!

>> MY BABY!

>> Early: YOU GET ON BACK

HERE AND START LICKING ON THIS

EAR LIKE YOU PROMISED, YOU DAMN

TEASY BITCH!

>> RUSTY, COME ON OUT NOW, AND

WE WON'T PRESS CHARGES!

[ STATIC ]

>> H.Q., THIS IS OFFICER DENNY

AT MORNING GLORY TRAILER PARK

REQUESTING BACKUP.

>> RANDY!

>> Sheriff: 10-4.

Uh, you gonna be on shift, uh,

till breakfast time?

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

Guarding Tammi's bedroom?

DID YOU FRENCH THAT THING, OR

DID YOU GRAZE BOOBY?

DAMN IT -- OVER! [ STATIC ]

>> IT WAS TOO HIGH. I COULDN'T GET TO IT.

I STARTED MASSAGING HER ANKLE TO

TRY TO, YOU KNOW, GET HER IN THE

MOOD. >> Sheriff: Uh, I told you,

Denny, it's boobs and butt.

That's what they want touched.

They're both filled with milk --

I think. [ STATIC ]

>> Y'ALL CAN GOSSIP LATER!

RUSTY HAS RUN OFF WITH MY BOY,

AND IT'S Y'ALL'S JOB TO GO FIND

HIM! [ STATIC ]

>> Sheriff: Easy now, Tammi.

I-I know you're upset, but Rusty's the boy's daddy.

I MEAN, IT'S PROBABLY A LOT ON

HIS MIND AND ALL, CATCHING Y'ALL

IN THE ACT.

UH, UH, I'M NOT SAYING YOU

TOUCHED BOOBY, BUT --

>> MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS

AND FIND MY BOY!

RANDY!

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?! IT'S MAMA!

COME ON!

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

>> Rusty: OH, HELL, DO I GOT TO

PAY FOR BOTH THE "D" AND THE

"A"? CAN'T I JUST DO ONE?

>> Early: WHY, THIS LITTLE YOUNG'ERN AIN'T EVEN GOT NO

SQUID SUCKERS ON HIS HANDS.

I'LL SAVE YOU SOME MONEY.

JUST CHUNK HIM AT THE WALL AND

SEE IF HE STICKS! >> Rusty: NO, NO, DADDY!

STOP IT!

THAT AIN'T NO SCIENTIFIC TEST!

NOW, COME ON, SON, UH, JUST FART

HERE IN THAT SLOT NOW.

THEY'LL TEST IT WITH A COMPUTER.

>> NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME, AND

YOU LISTEN CLOSE, YOU REDHEADED

SON OF A BITCH!

I'M COMING, AND I'VE BROUGHT

HELL WITH ME, AND I'M GONNA DUMP

HELL ON YOUR...ASS.

[ Sputters ] Do some cuss words.

When you see Rusty, it's

important that you use the cuss

words. [ STATIC ]

>> Sheriff: I GOT YOU, LITTLE BUDDY.

[ STATIC ] EARLY, YOU CAN HEAR THAT DENNY'S

DAMN NEAR OUT OF HIS MIND WITH

RAGE.

>> Early: I SAY DUMP THE KID IN A RIVER, THROW RUSTY IN JAIL,

FIRE THAT RUNT, AND BRING THAT

BITCH HERE TO ME!

>> Sheriff: [ CHUCKLES ]

BOY, IF IT WAS ONLY THAT EASY,

EARLY. >> Early: IT IS.

DO IT.

>> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU'RE FUNNY, EARLY.

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

SERIOUSLY?

>> BA-BAM!

>> Rusty: SHH, SHH, SHH!

[ CHIRPING CONTINUES ]

>> Sheriff: YOU KNOW, EARLY,

WHEREVER RUSTY IS, I KNOW HE

DON'T MEAN NO HARM AND HE ONLY

WANTS THE BEST FOR THE BOY, BUT

I HOPE HE KNOWS THAT HE'S NOT

THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER.

>> Early: WELL, WHAT IF HE AIN'T

THE PRIMARY SPERM-GIVER NEITHER?

[ Laughing ] AHA!

LOOKY WHAT THE MAILMAN JUST GIVE

ME!

>> Sheriff: WELL [CLEARS THROAT]

IT AIN'T ALWAYS GENETICS THAT

DETERMINES WHETHER SOMEBODY CAN

BE A GOOD PARENT. >> Early: HA, YOU PREACHING TO

THE CHOIR NOW!

OH, YEAH, THAT'S HOW MY ASS GOT

TRICKED AND TRIPPED UP.

>> Granny: SAME HERE!

JUST 'CAUSE THIS ONE COME

FALLING OUT OF MY INNARDS, NOW I

GOT TO DO ALL THAT OTHER STUFF?!

>> Early: HELL, I DON'T EVEN

KNOW WHY HE'S UP IN THIS BOAT!

>> Sheriff: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

WELL, IF YOU JUST HAPPEN TO

SEE RUSTY -- >> Granny: YEAH, HE'S IN THE

BOAT! >> Sheriff: THANK YOU, THANK

YOU, GRANNY.

DAMN IT.

TELL RUSTY, IF YOU SEE HIM, THAT

WE'LL GO EASY ON HIM IF HE

BRINGS THE BOY IN.

>> [ COOS ]

>> Sheriff: BUT HE AIN'T GONNA

LIKE IT MUCH IF DENNY CALLS IN

THE S.W.A.T. TEAM.

>> Rusty: THIS MY BOY!

Y'ALL GO TO HELL!

>> Early: OH, THE SUN WENT OUT!

>> Sheriff: OFFICER DOWN! HELP!

>> Rusty: [ GRUNTING ]

>> [ COOING ]

>> Sheriff: RUSTY, DON'T DO

NOTHING RASH NOW! JUST RELAX!

>> Rusty: Y'ALL CAN'T DO NOTHING

TO ME NOW!

THIS IS INTERNATIONAL WATERS!

>> Sheriff: UH, YEP. [ SIGHS ]

HE'S MORE THAN 4 FEET OFF THE

SHORE.

ALSO, I-I CAN'T SWIM, SO...

>> Early: WELL, ONCE I READ

THESE HERE DNA RESULTS, RUSTY

AIN'T GONNA HAVE TO PAY ANOTHER

DIME FOR NO CHALKY BABY!

>> Rusty: HEY, LISTEN, Y'ALL.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT THAT

DNA TEST SAYS! AIN'T NO PIECE OF PAPER GONNA

CONVINCE ME NOT TO LOVE THIS

BOY, EVEN IF HE IS A TWO-FOOTED

FREAK! I LOVE RANDY!

I LOVE HIM, AND I'M AS MUCH A DADDY AS HE EVER HAD!

>> Sheriff: RUSTY?

>> Rusty: AND WE GONNA BE

TOGETHER FOREVER!

>> Sheriff: RUSTY, THE BABY!

[ WATER SPLASHES ] >> RANDY!

>> Rusty: OH, MY GOD, RANDY!

>> Early: PROBLEM SOLVED!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Rusty: RANDY, RANDY!

WHOO-HOO!

OH, DAMN IT!

OH, MY GOD, RANDY'S A HALF

SQUID! CHECK IT OUT, Y'ALL!

LOOK AT HIM! HE IS MY BOY!

>> I TOLD YOU HE WAS YOURS!

IF YOU EVER CHANGED A DAMN

DIAPER, YOU WOULD KNOW 'CAUSE

YOU WOULD SEE IT'S LIKE A

THOUSAND FOUNTAIN PENS EXPLODED

IN HIS LITTLE CROTCH! >> Rusty: I AIN'T GONNA TOUCH NO

DAMN DIAPER!

I'M A MAN! >> YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED HIS

DIAPER THE WHOLE TIME YOU'VE HAD

HIM?!

>> Rusty: I LOOK LIKE I'M WEARIN' A LADY DRESS?!

>> Early: HEY, IF YOU WAS MY

GIRL, WE WOULDN'T BE HAVING

THESE FIGHTS 'CAUSE YOU'D BE

DOIN' AS YOU WAS TOLD!

>> TELL YOUR DADDY TO SHUT UP!

>> Rusty: OH, I SEE!

YOU'RE ON THE RAG!

>> WHAT THE HELL?!

>> Rusty: TALK TO ME ON TUESDAY

WHEN IT'S OVER.

>> Early: NOW, COME ON ASHORE

AND SUCK ON MY TOES BEFORE I GET

PISSED! >> DREAM ON, CUYLER.

THE ONLY TOES SHE'S SUCKIN'

TONIGHT ARE THE THREE...

WEIRD-SHAPED ONES ON THIS FOOT.

AGH! AGH! AGH!

>> Early: I STALKED HER FIRST! SHE'S MINE!

>> AGH! DON'T! >> Early: SHE JUST DON'T KNOW IT

YET! >> YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!

>> Sheriff: SEE? THINGS JUST HAVE A WAY OF

WORKING OUT.

>> WHEN I SAY "UNDER ARREST," YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT!

OW, STOP PUNCHING ME! >> Sheriff: YOU TAKE IT FROM ME

HERE, DENNY.

>> OOH, THIS WAS MADE IN

GEORGIA, BABY!