Original subtitles

[ STATIC ] [ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND BURIED ♪

♪ WISH THE SUN WOULD JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD CALLS ME TO HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

♪ ALL YOU SONS OF BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

Rusty: MY TURN. Early: HELL NO.

Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

OKAY. SO NOW I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO DROP YOUR PANTS AND...

Dan Halen: PANTS? WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?

SOME SORT OF HOBO?

[ LAUGHING ] PANTS!

THE VERY IDEA.

SO, HOW'S IT HANGIN'?

WELL, YOU KNOW, PRETTY GOOD.

UH, BEEN TRAVELING A LOT FOR MY SON'S, UH, SOCCER --

Dan Halen: NO!

HOW IS IT HANGING?

BELOW!

ACTUALLY, UH, I DO FEEL SOMETHING HARD HERE ON THE

DERMAL REGION.

Dan Halen: YOU MEAN THE SKIN?

YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSING ANYONE HERE.

HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU ATTACH GLOW STICKS TO YOUR

BALLS?

Dan Halen: I HAVEN'T RAVED LIKE THAT IN YEARS.

HMM.

IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY YOU MIGHT HAVE EXPOSED YOUR CROTCH-SADDLE

TO INTENSE, PROLONGED RADIATION?

[ MOTOR WHIRRING ] Dan Halen: OL' TAINT NICK

SAYS "TAINT THE SEASON TO BE GETTING A HOLIDAY BONUS!"

GET IT?

BECAUSE I'M SENDING OUT PICTURES OF MY TAINT!

OH, MAN. Dan Halen: BOOM!

YOU GOT "TAINTED", GLENN!

[ LAUGHING ] CANCER.

YEP.

TERMINAL, INOPERABLE TAINT CANCER.

Dan Halen: WHY WASN'T THIS CAUGHT EARLIER?

WHAT DO I PAY ALL THESE NURSES FOR?

OH, THOSE ARE STRIPPERS...

IN NURSES' OUTFITS.

BECAUSE, UH, YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE NURSES' LIPS.

Dan Halen: THEY WEREN'T POUTY ENOUGH!

[ WIND BLOWING ] SO MANY CONFLICTING EMOTIONS

COURSING THROUGH ME RIGHT NOW.

FURY...

ANGER...

FURY MIXED WITH ANGER -- FRANGER.

AND THEN, SUDDENLY, OUT OF NOWHERE, I'LL GET FLASHES OF

HATRED AND RAGE! Early: DAMN, DAN.

ANY FOOL KNOWS TO PROTECT THEIR TAINT!

THAT'S YOUR DAMN WEAKEST SPOT, HOSS!

JUST DO LIKE I DO -- WALK LOW TO THE GROUND.

EARLY, DON'T -- Early: THEM SPLINTERS AND

PEBBLES'LL TOUGH UP THAT SADDLE SKIN.

UH, WE'LL JUST PUT A THROW RUG ON IT.

Dan Halen: NO. WHO CARES?

IT'S JUST ONE MORE ROOM FULL OF POINTLESS CRAP.

YOU SON OF A COCK OF A WHORE OF A CHAIR!

Early: YEAH! YEAH! LET ME THROW ONE!

COME ON! LET ME HAVE IT!

YEAH!

[ WOMAN SCREAMING ] NOW LET'S GET THIS HERE PIANO!

NO, WAIT!

LOOK, THERE'S GOT TO BE A MORE CONSTRUCTIVE WAY TO CHANNEL

THESE EMOTIONS.

[ PIANO CRASHING ] YOU COULD USE ALL YOUR WEALTH TO

MAYBE FIND A CURE.

Dan Halen: YOU REALLY THINK I COULD ERADICATE TAINT CANCER IN

OUR LIFETIME?

WELL...

NOT YOUR LIFETIME.

Dan Halen: WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT?

Early: I AIN'T GOT NOTHING.

YEAH, YOU DO.

Early: NUH-UNH.

I AIN'T GOT A DAMN THING.

Dan Halen: YES, YOU DO!

Early: AW, COME ON, NOW!

YOU SAID THIS WAS ALL POINTLESS CRAP.

BUT I GUESS, IF IT GIVES YOU SOME KIND OF FLEETING JOY,

THEN -- [ GRUNTS ] -- HERE'S YOUR DAMN MEASLY RHINO HEAD

BACK.

TAKE IT!

Dan Halen: NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

[ CRASHING ] FROM NOW ON, I'M GIVING BACK TO

THE COMMUNITY.

[ CHILDREN SHOUTING, TALKING ] HELLO, KIDS, I'M DAN HALEN, DEAN

OF THE SCREAMIN' TEEN TWEEN SCREEN SCENE.

WE ALL KNOW IT'S FUN TO LAY ON OUR BACKS, TWERKING OUR TAINTS

SPREAD EAGLE TOWARD THE SUN, BUT I'M A LIVING EXAMPLE THAT SUCH

CHOICES WILL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU.

[ CROWD GASPS ] Dan Halen: [ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, LOOK, GANG!

IT'S MY OLD FRIEND TOMMY TAINT!

[ FEEDBACK ] Sheriff: UH, MR. HALEN, I-I

DON'T FEEL LIKE THIS IS -- Dan Halen: GET YOUR STYROFOAM

ASS AND BALLS OUT HERE!

Sheriff: UH, H-HEY, KIDS.

I'M TOMMY TAINT.

I'M THE SPACE BETWEEN YOUR, UH, JINGALING AND YOUR HOO-HOO.

[ FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING ] NOW, HOLD UP.

NOW DON'T RUN OFF.

SURE, PRIVATE PARTS MAY BE A LITTLE SCARY.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN WORSE?

CANCER.

[ AIR HISSING ] UH-OH.

IT'S CODY CANCER.

OH, NO.

IT'S CODY CANCER.

Dan Halen: GET OUT THERE AND SHOW THEM WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL

WITH.

Early: WHAT I DO?

Sheriff: DON'T WORRY, Y'ALL.

SUNSCREEN'S LIKE A MAGIC FORCE FIELD AGAINST CANCER.

Early: AAH! MY DAMN EYES!

Sheriff: HE CAN'T HURT ME AT ALL.

Early: YOU SON OF A BITCH!

YOU ABOUT TO DIE!

Sheriff: THIS IS NOT THE MESSAGE WE'RE TRYING TO CONVEY

HERE!

Early: THAT'S THE BIG "C" RIGHT THERE!

Sheriff: OW!

KIDS, ALWAYS REMEMBER -- CANCER IS MEAN, SO SCREEN YOUR TWEEN!

Early: THAT'S RIGHT.

PROTECT YOUR TAINT...

Sheriff: OW! Early: ...BEFORE YOU CAN'T!

Dan Halen: HEY, LOOK!

IT'S THE DAN HALEN SCREAMIN' TEEN TWEEN SCREEN MACHINE!

LET'S ALL HEAD OUTSIDE TO HAVE A STRANGER SCRUTINIZE THE FOLD

BETWEEN OUR NETHERS -- FOR FREE!

Sheriff: THAT'S RIGHT.

PUT THE DYE PACK BETWEEN YOUR BUTT CHEEKS, JUST LIKE THIS.

I'M SORRY.

WE CAN'T HAVE SECOND-GRADERS DOING THIS.

Dan Halen: BUT EVERYONE GETS A FREE TAINT CANCER AWARENESS

MAGNET. COME ON, KIDS.

Dan Halen: IT'S FUN FOR THEM!

IN A SHOW OF APPRECIATION FOR ALL YOUR CHARITY TOWARDS FIXING

THAT DISEASE THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON THAT HAS, I'M HERE

TO PRESENT YOU WITH -- Dan Halen: THANKS YOU FOR THE

CARDBOARD NOTHING TO NOTHING.

FUCK THIS.

I'M DONE WITH GIVING BACK TO THE COMMUNITY.

THEY NEED TO BE GIVING BACK TO ME!

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ] I'M THE ONE DYING HERE!

Sheriff: [ SIGHS ] WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG?

IS IT BECAUSE I GOT A BIG TAINT?

[ LAUGHING ] Dan Halen: I DON'T WANT TO

DIE.

WELL, THE LORD NEVER SENDS YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE,

UNTIL, OF COURSE, THE ONE DAY WHEN HE DOES.

HEH.

Dan Halen: ALL THIS MONEY, AND I CAN'T BUY THE ONE THING I

WANT -- TO LIVE FOREVER AND NEVER DIE.

OH, BUT YOU CAN LIVE FOREVER, FRIEND -- IN GOD'S HOUSE.

NOW RISE INTO A LIFE WITH JEEESUS!

Dan Halen: DO YOU HAVE A DRY BAPTISM PROCESS?

I HAVE A HIGHLY WATER-SOLUBLE COLLECTION OF FRAGILE POST-WAR

HITLER MEMORABILIA?

UH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY -- YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH

YOU. Dan Halen: WHY THE HELL NOT?

IT'S MY STUFF. I WANT IT!

THE ANCIENT PHARAOHS OF EGYPT WANTED THEIR "STUFF," TOO.

OH, THEY BUILT GREAT PYRAMIDS FULL OF TREASURES.

THOUSANDS DIED IN THEIR VAINGLORIOUS FOLLY, AND --

MR. HALEN?

Dan Halen: FASTER!

OSIRIS DEMANDS IT!

I'M TAKING IT WITH ME!

EVERY LAST BIT!

Granny: [ GRUNTING ] Dan Halen: SLAVE, THAT'S NOT

A BEAN BAG!

IT'S ONE OF ONLY THREE WHITE TIGERS IN THE KNOWN WORLD!

IT GOES BACK UP THERE WITH THE OTHER TWO!

[ FORKLIFT BEEPING, HORN HONKS ] Early: WHERE'S THIS FORKLIFT

GO?

Dan Halen: UH, THAT GOES OVER WITH THE OTHER LOADING

EQUIPMENT.

Granny: WAIT! WAIT A MINUTE!

I COULD USE THAT!

Sheriff: GO ON, NOW, GRANNY.

HYAH. HYAH.

Dan Halen: NO!

YOU MUST WHIP THE CONFUSION OUT OF HER!

Granny: OW! OW! SON OF A -- Sheriff: MR. HALEN, UH, NOT

TO BE A BUZZKILL BUT ALL THIS WHIPPING AND CHAINING, IT JUST

DON'T FEEL RIGHT.

Dan Halen: FINE.

DENY A DYING MAN THE HISTORICALLY ACCURATE BURIAL HIS

RECENTLY ADOPTED RELIGION ASKS FOR.

Sheriff: SHOOT. I'M SORRY.

I-I-I'M JUST SO INSENSITIVE.

HYAH! HYAH! Granny: AAH! AAH!

Sheriff: COME ON, GRANNY.

SCREAM FOR MR. HALEN.

HIS FINAL WISH IS TO SEE YOU SUFFER.

Granny: IF YOU'RE GONNA WHIP ME, AT LEAST AIM FOR MY ASS.

OOH! OH, THERE YOU GO!

YEAH!

Sheriff: HYAH!

Granny: YEAH, YOU FOUND THE SWEET SPO-- AAH! AHH!

[ LAUGHS ] OH!

[ RUMBLING, WORKERS SCREAMING ] Dan Halen: CALM DOWN,

EVERYONE!

CALM DOWN.

THE PYRAMID IS SEALED NOW.

THOSE OF YOU LOOKING FOR THE EXITS, YOU CAN SIT DOWN AND

RELAX, BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY.

[ WORKERS GASP ] Sheriff: AH, WELL, FIRE

MARSHAL MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT, Y'ALL.

Dan Halen: OH, NO, NO, NO.

THERE'S NOT ENOUGH OXYGEN IN HERE TO SUPPORT A FIRE.

Granny: BUT DON'T WE NEED THAT STUFF TO BREATHE AND STUFF?

Dan Halen: YES, YOU WOULD NEED "THAT STUFF" TO BREATHE, IF

OUR AIM WAS TO LIVE.

BUT, YOU SEE, YOU AND I WILL TAKE A JOURNEY ACROSS THE RIVER

ON A BOAT, WITH THE SUN GOD, RA.

AND WE'RE GOING TO MEET A WOMAN WITH A DOG FACE.

AND THEY'RE GOING TO WEIGH OUR HEARTS!

Early: WHOO-HOO!

WE GOING TO GATLINBURG, BABY!

Granny: YAY! DOLLYWOOD!

Early: THAT'S RIGHT! WHOO!

Dan Halen: YOU ALL HAVE DAN HALEN GIFT BAGS FOR THE

AFTERLIFE.

INSIDE THEM, YOU SHOULD FIND JARS OF FOOD, TWEEZERS TO PICK

YOUR BRAINS OUT THROUGH YOUR NOSE, AND A BAG OF SAND TO

INSERT INTO YOUR THROAT AND NASAL CAVITIES.

THEN JUST, YOU KNOW, CHILL OUT.

Granny: SO, WE ARE GOING TO GATLINBURG, RIGHT?

Early: YEAH.

AS I UNDERSTAND IT, YES.

Sheriff: [ GAGGING ] LOOK! [ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, Y'ALL, I GOT THE WHOLE THING.

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ] [ BEEPS ]

Dan Halen: HELLO?

SERIOUSLY?

G-GIVE ME FIVE.

OH, PRAISE OSIRIS!

I MEAN, FUCK OSIRIS.

LET ME SEE.

OH, SHE'S A BEAUT.

IT'S A LITTLE WEATHERED -- IT'S SEEN BETTER DAYS -- BUT,

HEY, BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.

Dan Halen: WHERE'D YOU FIND IT?

OH, SHE WON'T KNOW.

SHE'S FINE.

Dan Halen: HA HA!

THE CARD WILL READ "TAINT KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN."

GATHER EVERYBODY SO THEY CAN ALL SEE.

OH...

RIGHT.

[ FLIES BUZZING ] Early: GATLINBURG IS FUNNER

THAN HELL!

THAT'S RIGHT!

Granny: I LOVE GATLINBURG!

Early: GATLINBURG'S FUN.

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THEM IT'S NOT GATLINBURG?

Sheriff: UH, THIS AIN'T EVEN EARTH NO MORE, EARLY.

WE'RE ON THE RIVER STYX.

Granny: SO, THIS AIN'T THE TEA CUP RIDE IN GATLINBURG?

Early: ARE WE IN GATLINBURG, OR WE, UH, GETTIN' NEAR

GATLINBURG? Sheriff: OH, HELL.

WE'RE TAKING ON WATER.

Granny: WELL, DON'T DRINK IT UNLESS YOU WANT THE RUNS.

AND DON'T SHAKE HIS HAND, 'CAUSE THAT'S THE ONE THEY WIPE THEIR

ASS WITH.

WHO'S "THEY"?

Granny: OH, Y-YOU KNOW...

NOT TO BE RACIST, BUT -- YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT

RACISTS SAY WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT TO BE RACIST.

Granny: WELL, I...

I JUST NEED TO FEEL SUPERIOR, YOU KNOW?