Original subtitles

[ STATIC, RADIO TUNING ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ ALL MY DREAMS ARE DEAD AND

BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD

JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME UP

TO HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE YOU SONS OF BITCHES

WHEN I GO ♪ >> Rusty: MY TURN.

>> Early: HELL NO.

>> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT

THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

[ MACHINERY RUNNING ]

[ MACHINERY BEEPING ]

[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]

>> Early: [ GRUNTING ]

HEY, DARLENE.

HEY, BECKY.

[ GRUNTING ]

HEY, BECKY.

HEY, DARLENE.

[ GRUNTS ]

FREE GREEK-YOGURT-COVERED GUMMY

NUTS, BABY!

WHOO!

AAAAAAAH!

OHHHHHHH! WHY?!

WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO

ME?!

[ SOBS ]

OH, GOD!

>> Granny: LAYIN' IT ON A

LITTLE THICK, AREN'T WE?

>> Early: I'D BUTTER YOU

WITH A THICK BEATDOWN IF I

STILL HAD OL' SMACKY.

SMACKY WAS MY BITCH-WHUPPIN'

ARM.

AW, SMACKY!

WHY DID YOU FOREVER GO AND

LEAVE MY ASS?

>> Granny: PROBABLY 'CAUSE

YOU WERE DRINKIN' AT WORK AGAIN

AND TOOK YOUR EYE OFF THE BALL.

>> Early: OH, BITCH.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE I CAN FEEL OL'

SMACKY WRAPPED AROUND YOUR DAMN

THROAT. >> Granny: OOH!

BUT SMACKY'S GONE NOW, AIN'T HE?

AND HE AIN'T NEVER COMIN'

BACK.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

>> Early: OH, GOD.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL NEVER STRANGLE OR

PROPERLY BATTER YOUR ASS AGAIN!

SON OF A BITCH!

[ SOBBING ]

WHY?!

[ SOBBING ]

[ ROOSTER CROWS ]

[ SNORING ]

[ FLY BUZZING ]

MM.

[ SNIFFING ]

MM.

SMACKY?

SMACKY, IS THAT YOU?

YOU'VE COME BACK TO ME!

A MEDICAL DAMN MIRACLE BROUGHT

ON BY MY BROWN PARTY LIQUOR,

BABY! WHOO!

>> Rusty: HEY, DADDY, YOUR ARM

GREW BACK -- LIKE THAT BIG OL'

WHITEHEAD BETWEEN MY EYES!

>> Early: RUSTY, COME OVER HERE

AND HUG ON ME ON ACCOUNT OF

MY ARM.

>> Rusty: ALL RIGHT.

OW! DAMN, DADDY!

>> Early: YOU AIN'T NEVER

GONNA LEARN, BOY!

BA-BOOM! BA-BAM! BAP!

OL' SMACKY IS BACK IN THE GAME!

WHOO!

>> Rusty: IT'S KINDA NICE

GETTIN' A SMACKDOWN FROM OL'

SMACKY.

OW! I DID MISS HIM.

>> Early: POW!

OL' SMACKY AIN'T MISSED YOUR ASS

ONCE. WHAP, WHAP!

"BOOM" GOES THE DYNAMITE!

>> [ SLURPS ]

>> Early: BAP! >> HEY.

>> Early: LOOKY HERE, GLENN!

YEAH! IT DONE GROWED BACK!

I BET YOUR FLABBY SAUSAGE ARMS

CAN'T DO THAT, DUMBASS.

>> I'D JUST TAKE THE INSURANCE

BENEFIT FOR THE MISSING LIMB.

>> Early: DO WHAT, NOW?

>> YOU DID IT ON THE JOB,

RIGHT?

READ YOUR INSURANCE PACKET,

BRO.

LOTS OF NUGGETS IN THERE.

>> Dan Halen: EARLY CUYLER,

PLEASE REPORT TO MY OFFICE.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

I GUESS YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET

THAT BIG SETTLEMENT CHECK.

[ LAUGHS ]

DUMBASS.

>> Early: YEAH, I GUESS IT IS

KINDA STRANGE THAT IT'S STILL

BLEEDIN' A DAY AFTER THE

ACCIDENT. BUT, UH...

[ Chuckling ] BUT IT AIN'T LIKE

IT GREW BACK AND I CUT IT OFF

AGAIN JUST NOW.

I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL?

THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

>> Dan Halen: I DIDN'T ASK.

HERE.

AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO DO

THIS, HERE IS A CHECK FOR $600

PER OUR RELUCTANT BUT

GOVERNMENT-MANDATED

DEATH-AND-DISMEMBERMENT POLICY.

>> Early: ALSO, UH, Y'ALL REALLY

OUGHTA PUT SOME GUARDRAILS ON

THAT PAPER SHREDDER, NOW.

AND YOU GOT YOURSELF A SERIOUS

OSHA PROBLEM WITH THAT PENCIL

SHARPENER.

>> Dan Halen: [ GRUMBLES ]

>> Early: GO ON, NOW.

WRITE THEM CHECKS.

WHOO!

I DONE GAMED THE DAMNED SYSTEM,

BABY!

FREE CASHY MONEY!

>> Granny: HURRAY!

>> Early: ALTHOUGH, I MUST SAY,

CELEBRATIN' AIN'T THE SAME

SINCE I LOST FIST-PUMPY AND

BACK-SLAPPY.

>> Granny: YEAH, HIGH-FIVEY

AIN'T LOOKIN' TOO HOT, EITHER.

>> Early: WELL, AS LONG AS

MONEY-GRABBY GOT IT GOIN' ON...

>> Rusty: AIN'T YOU SUPPOSED

TO BE AT WORK?

>> Early: BOSS MAN TOLD ME TO

TAKE THE DAY OFF -- SAID HE

DON'T WANT ME TO LOSE NO MORE

LIMBS ON HIS PROPERTY.

[ SNIFFING ]

>> Rusty: DOES THIS MEAN I

CAN FINALLY GET A BRACE FOR MY

TOOTH? >> Granny: AND I WANT A

CRACK AT THAT FANCY

DRIVE-THROUGH TACO I SAW THAT

DOG TALKIN' ABOUT ON TV.

>> Early: BITCH, WE AIN'T GOT

TACO MONEY.

IF YOU WANT FANCY THINGS, YOU

GET YOURSELF YOUR OWN JOB AND

CUT YOUR OWN ARMS OFF AT YOUR

OWN WORKPLACE.

THIS HERE IS MY AMERICAN DREAM!

THIS DEVIL MACHINE!

WHO THE HELL COULDA SEEN THIS

COMIN'?!

AAAAAAAH!

[ FORKLIFT BEEPING ]

AAH!

PAY ATTENTION, LYLE!

DIDN'T YOU SEE MY ARM UNDER

YOUR DAMN WHEEL?!

[ DOGS BARKING ]

ANIMAL ATTACK! UNPROVOKED!

[ APPLAUSE ]

OHH!

[ Strained ] GRAND OPENIN'!

FREE BALLOONS FOR THE KIDS!

[ MICROWAVE WHIRRING ]

[ DING ]

WHO PUT THIS DANGEROUS MICROWAVE

HERE?!

I NEED FIRST AID!

WHO PUT THIS DANGEROUS FIRST-AID

CABINET HERE?!

I NEED MICROWAVE HERE!

GOT THIS ONE STUCK IN THE BAGEL

SLICER DOWN IN THE BREAK ROOM.

MMM.

YOU BEST PUT UP A SIGN 'FORE

SOMEBODY GETS THEIR ASS KILLED.

>> [ SIGHS ]

LISTEN, MR. HALEN WANTS YOU TO

RESTOCK THE COPIER WITH PAPER --

NOTHING MORE.

THAT'S YOUR JOB NOW.

>> Early: WELL, THIS HERE PAPER

LOOKS PRETTY BIG TO ME.

I MEAN, YOU WANT I SHOULD

SHRINKINATE IT WITH THE -- WITH

THE --

WHERE'S THE HELL'S THE ARM

CHOPPER? >> IT'S BEEN REMOVED.

WE'RE NOT STUPID. [ PAPER RUSTLES ]

>> Early: AAAAAAAH!

MANILA CARD STOCK!

WHAT THE HELL KINDA DEATHTRAP

YOU RUNNIN' HERE?!

[ BIRD CRIES ]

>> JUST STAND HERE LIKE THIS,

KEEP THE CROWS OFF THE CROPS.

>> Early: I CAN SCARE ME A MESS

OF BIRDS AWAY WITH THESE NINJA

SWORDS I GOT AT THE MALL.

>> NO! NO, DON'T! DON'T!

PUT 'EM DOWN.

YOU JUST STRETCH YOUR ARMS OUT

AND DO NOTHING, AND NOTHING'S

GONNA HAPPEN.

[ MOTOR WHIRRING ]

OH, NO.

>> Early: OH, HELL YEAH!

>> NO! NO!

>> Early: BRING IT ON! OWWW!

>> STOP THE MACHINE!

STOP THE MACHINE!

[ WHIRRING SLOWS, STOPS ]

>> OH. OH, THANK GOD.

[ CROWS CAWING ]

>> Early: AAH! AAH! OHH!

JACKPOT!

>> AW, COME ON!

>> Early: OH, MY ARM!

OH, MY ARM!

OH, MY --

WHAT'S THE DAMN DEAL HERE?!

>> LISTEN, MR. HALEN WANTS YOU

TO STAND HERE AND MAKE SURE

EVERYONE WASHES THEIR HANDS.

OR NOT.

HE DOESN'T REALLY CARE.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

>> Early: BIRDS, COME FORTH!

I CALL ON THEE!

[ CROWS CAWING ]

AAH! AAH! OHH!

#BLESSED!

WHOO, BABY!

WHOO!

>> Sheriff: YOU WANTED TO SEE

ME, MR. HALEN?

>> Dan Halen: I HAVE AN EMPLOYEE

WHO IS BENDING ME OVER AND

RAPING THE CASH OUT OF ME!

I WANT PROOF SO I CAN LEGALLY

FIRE THIS CRIPPLE!

>> Rusty: HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.

I WENT THROUGH THAT COMPANY

INSURANCE PLAN.

A WHOLE LEG IS SUPPOSED TO FETCH

YOU $900-PLUS. >> Early: WHAT THE HELL?

>> Granny: YOU'VE ONLY BEEN

GETTIN' $600 A LEG.

THAT'S THE DAMN FINGER RATE!

>> Early: HE'S RIPPIN' ME OFF!

HELL, THIS IS FRAUD!

>> Rusty: WELL, DADDY, YOU CAN

JUST DO YOU A HALF-ASS JOB TILL

YOU GET LAID OFF.

THEN YOU COULD GET A SEVERANCE

PACKAGE.

>> Early: WELL, THAT'S A GOOD

IDEA, BOY.

GO AHEAD. SEVER MY PACKAGE.

HOW MUCH WE GET FOR THAT?

>> Granny: OH, YOU'RE BOTH SO

SHORTSIGHTED.

THE BIG PAYOFF'S IN CHEMICAL

BURNS -- LOSS OF VISION.

DON'T YOU FOOLS READ

APPENDIX D?

>> Early: HELL, I MEAN, IF I

STAB MY EYES OUT AND BURN MY

FACE OFF WITH LYE, WE CAN

RETIRE.

>> Rusty: WHAT'S THIS ABOUT,

SHERIFF?

[ CAMERA BEEPS, WHIRS ]

>> Sheriff: UH...

JUST BETWEEN US, MR. HALEN TOLD

ME TO WATCH YOU SO WE CAN PROVE

THAT YOU'RE DEFRAUDIN' THE

INSURANCE COMPANY. >> DAN HALEN: Moron!

>> Sheriff: I'M EVEN WEARIN'

A WIRE [CHUCKLES] LIKE IN THAT

TV SHOW -- YOU KNOW, "THE WIRE."

>> DAN HALEN: Get out of there!

Abort the mission! >> Sheriff: HANG ON.

THIS -- THIS RADIO KEEPS MAKIN'

THIS CRAZY NOISE.

>> DAN HALEN: Abort the miss--

>> Sheriff: WHOA!

YOU GOT AN ABOVEGROUND POOL?

>> Early: OH, HELL YEAH.

I ALSO GOT ME SOME CHINESE

THROWIN' STARS FROM THE DOLLAR.

AND I CAN AFFORD ME THIS HERE

HAT, TOO.

HELL, I CAN'T AFFORD THE OTHER

HAT YET.

BUT SOON, SUMBITCH, I WILL!

THAT'S THE DAMN JOKE.

>> Sheriff: SO YOU GOT ALL

THIS STUFF JUST BY LOSIN' YOUR

ARMS?

I-I HAD A ACCIDENT -- ON THE

JOB.

>> Dan Halen: ACCIDENT? HMM.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE PART WHERE

YOU WERE WEARING THE WIRE?

Sheriff: LIKE ON THAT TV SHOW

"THE WIRE"?

OH, YEAH.

[ TAPE RECORDER BEEPS ]

Ain't there a better way than

this rusty bear trap, Early?

>> EARLY: Yeah, I guess, but --

Ha ha -- this is funny.

[ CLANK ]

>> SHERIFF: Aaaaaaahh!

>> EARLY: [ Laughs maniacally ]

>> SHERIFF: I always wanted a

pool, though. Ohh!

>> Dan Halen: YOU DO KNOW THAT

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ON THE TAKE

DOESN'T MAKE YOU A

BENEFITS-ELIGIBLE EMPLOYEE?

>> Sheriff: BUT...I WAS WORKING

FOR YOU, THOUGH.

>> Dan Halen: LEGALLY SPEAKING,

THAT WAS A PERSONAL FAVOR,

SHERIFF.

READ THE WRITTEN AGREEMENT -- OF

WHICH YOU HAVE NONE!

>> Sheriff: WELL, AT LEAST I WAS

SMART ENOUGH TO PUT MY ARM IN A

BAG OF RICE.

>> Dan Halen: THAT'S FOR WET

CELLPHONES, YOU SUBAVERAGE

CRETIN.

>> Sheriff: AW, HELL.

I GOT MY WEBSITES MIXED UP

AGAIN.

>> Early: [ GRUNTING ]

>> Granny: I THINK YOU WENT TO

THAT ARM WELL ONE TOO MANY

TIMES.

>> Early: NO, NO, I'M FINE,

BITCH.

NOSE-DIGGY AND GUN-SHOOTY IS

HOLDIN' DOWN THE FORT WHILE --

[ CROWS CAWING ]

AAH! AAH! OHH!

THEM SUMBITCHIN' CROWS IS ON

MY ASS LIKE A BIRTHMARK!

>> Granny: WELL, BOTTLE-GRABBY'S

SEEN BETTER DAYS.

HE LOOKS LIKE A DRIED-UP RAMEN

NOODLE.

>> Early: THE HELL WITH HIM.

I STILL GOT MY MOUTH FINGER,

LICKY. [ SLURPS ]

[ Muffled ] WORKS JUST AS WELL.

[ SLURPS ]

>> Rusty: DADDY, YOUR ARMS

DIDN'T GROW BACK.

>> Early: WAIT.

ARE YOU SAYIN' MY ARMS GROWED

BACK AND THAT BITCH OVER THERE

STOLE 'EM IN THE NIGHT?!

>> Granny: NO, NO, HE DIDN'T SAY

THAT AT ALL!

>> Early: YOU PURPLE THIEVIN'

WHORE!

I'M 'BOUT TO TONGUE-WHIP YOU!

[ GRUNTING ]

>> Granny: [ LAUGHS ]

AWW, YOU'RE TRYIN' YOUR HARDEST,

AIN'T YA?

SEE YA LATER!

>> Early: DAMN SLIPPERY BITCH

GOT AWAY.

[ GRUNTING ]

>> Rusty: WHERE YOU TRYIN' TO

GO, DADDY?

>> Early: TO THE DOCTOR.

[ GRUNTS ]

HELL, MY LIVELIHOOD IS IN

JEOPARDY.

[ GRUNTING ]

>> Rusty: HEY, LET ME GIVE YOU A

LIFT.

>> Early: PLEASE STOP!

OHH! AAH! STOP! >> Rusty: WHEE!

>> Early: PLEASE! PLEASE!

OH, GOD! >> Rusty: WHOO!

>> Early: OH, STOP IT! STOP IT!

[ PANTING ]

[ GRUNTING ]

[ METAL CLANKING ]

[ PANTING ]

>> MORNIN', EARLY.

>> Early: WHAT, GLENN?!

YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN A OCTUPLE

AMPUTEE? IS THAT IT?

WELL, GET YOU A DAMN EYEFUL!

[ SCREAMING ]

DAMN IT!

>> YOU NEED SOME HELP OR --

>> Early: YOU SQUASH-SHAPED

BITCH!

YOU TRY CLINKIN' A DAMN MILE IN

MY HOOKS SOMETIME!

>> WAS JUST SAYIN' "HEY."

>> Early: [ GRUNTING ]

>> Dan Halen: I SEE YOU'VE

BEEN OUTFITTED WITH OUR

[Chuckling] STATE-OF-THE-ART

HOOK TECHNOLOGY.

>> Early: [ GRUNTING ]

>> Dan Halen: YES, THE GRAVY

TRAIN HAS PULLED INTO THE

STATION. EVERYBODY OFF!

>> Early: W-W-W-W-WAIT.

HOLD ON, NOW.

HOW MUCH YOU THINK YOU COULD,

UH, GIVE ME FOR THESE?

[ FLIES BUZZING ]

>> Rusty: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ ROOSTER CROWS ] WHAT THE...

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

>> Granny: YAY!

WE'RE GONNA BE RICH!

>> MADE...IN GEORGIA.