Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND

BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD

JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO

HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL BURN ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES ON THE STOVE ♪

>> Rusty: MY TURN.

>> Early: HELL NO. >> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT

THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

>> Rusty: A-TOWN, BABY!

ATLANTA! WHOA! HEY, MAN, CAN WE TAKE THAT CNN

TOUR, SEE THEM JEWS AND THEIR

LIBERAL MEDIA SPIN MACHINE WHILE

THEY MAKE UP THEM LIES?

>> Early: MAYBE NEXT TIME, SON.

WE IN HOTLANTA TODAY FOR ONE

REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY --

THE PRIDE PARADE, BABY!

>> Granny: THE CELEBRATION OF

THE LIFE AND MUSIC OF

COUNTRY WESTERN LEGEND

CHARLEY PRIDE!

>> Early: YEAH! WHOO!

HELL, THEY THROWING OUT FREE

CANDY. >> Granny: YAY! CANDY!

>> Rusty: THROW ME SOME CANDY.

THIS GUM IS CHEWY.

>> Granny: [ Slurring ] SOME

KIND OF LUBRICATION ON HERE.

THIS IS NUMBING MY TONGUE.

>> Early: [ GASPS ]

NO.

>> [ BLOWING ]

>> Early: NO.

>> MM!

>> Early: NO!

NO!

NO!

THIS IS NOT HOW CHARLEY PRIDE

WANTS HIS LIFE'S WORK

CELEBRATED!

>> Granny: OH, EARLY, YOU'VE

BEEN HIT BY THEIR FLOWERS!

THAT MEANS YOU'RE THE NEXT TO

BE GAY-MARRIED. >> Early: OH, NO!

>> Rusty: CONGRATULATIONS,

DADDY.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'S GAY.

>> Early: WELL, ME NEITHER, BUT

I DON'T WANT TO BE.

I WON'T DO IT.

IT AIN'T RIGHT.

I AIN'T GOING TO HELL FOR MARRY

NO DAMN MAN.

DON'T YOU DANCE WITH ME.

I AIN'T GAY NO MORE.

>> BUT A GAY TIME WAS NOT HAD BY

ALL, AS ONE PROTESTER HAD SOME

POINTEDLY UNCIVIL THINGS TO SAY

ABOUT THE GAY MARRIAGE MOVEMENT.

>> Early: I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT?

SOMEBODY JUST GONNA HAUL OFF AND

MARRY A DAMN PAINT CAN.

>> Granny: MARRIAGE IS OUR WORD!

LET THEM MAKE THEIR OWN WORD UP,

LIKE "CLEGEBUS" OR "FLARM"!

>> Early: THAT'S RIGHT, FLARM! >> Granny: CLEGEBUS!

>> Early: AMEN.

>> Granny: YOU CAN'T FORCE ME TO

MARRY A WOMAN!

>> Early: YEAH, WHAT'S NEXT?

THEY GONNA MAKE ME MARRY ME A

PAINT CAN?

>> Granny: I MIGHT BE IN TO

SCISSORING WITH HER, IF THAT'S

ALL SHE WANTS, 'CAUSE IT'S FUN,

AND THERE AIN'T NO PRESSURES AS

LONG AS EVERYONE'S ON THE SAME

PAGE GOIN' INTO THE THING.

>> Early: AND I WOULD ENJOY

WATCHING THAT.

BUT I AIN'T JUST GONNA SIT DOWN

AND ALLOW A MAN TO MARRY A MAN.

[ STAMMERS ]

I AIN'T GAY-MARRYING NO DAMN

BODY UP IN CONNECTICGUT.

I LIVE HERE, DAMN IT!

>> REPORTING FROM GAY PRIDE ATLANTA, I'M

DOUG RICHARDS.

>> Early: [ GRUNTING ]

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

I AIN'T MOVING TO CONNECTICUT!

I LIVED HERE!

>> Rusty: WELL, IT AIN'T LIKE

IT'S MANDATORY, DADDY.

>> Early: THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT

ON FREEDOM -- FREEDOM TO NOT LET

THEM DO WHAT WE DO NOT WANT THEM

TO DO! >> Granny: I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT?

>> Early: YEAH, WHAT'S NEXT?

LIKE I'M GONNA MARRY A DAMN

PAINT CAN. IS THAT IT?

>> Granny: ARE YOU? I MEAN, YOU'RE TALKING A BIG

GAME UP THERE ON THE TV.

>> Early: GRANNY, I AIN'T GONNA

MARRY NO DAMN PAINT CAN.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

I AM A CONFIRMED BACHELOR.

HELL, I AIN'T GONNA BE HELD DOWN

BY NO SUMBITCHIN' PAINT CAN.

>> Granny: AH, THERE HE GOES,

BACKING DOWN AGAIN, YEAH?

>> Early: WHAT? YOU SAYING I AIN'T MATURE ENOUGH

TO SETTLE DOWN WITH A PAINT CAN,

HUH?

>> Granny: YOU AIN'T NEVER

FOLLOWED THROUGH ON NOTHING YOUR

WHOLE LIFE.

>> Early: OH, I'LL MARRY ME A

DAMN PAINT CAN IF THAT'S WHAT IT

TAKES TO SHUT YOUR ASS UP!

>> Granny: OH, NO, NO.

DON'T DO IT 'CAUSE OF ME.

I'LL JUST GO ON TELLIN' ME

FRIENDS THAT YOU'RE A-A LATE

BLOOMER.

>> Early: RUSTY, FETCH THE DAMN

PREACHER MAN!

I'M MARRYING A DAMN PAINT CAN

TODAY! YOU HEAR ME?!

DOES THAT SATISFY YOU, BITCH?!

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

NOW WHO WINS?!

>> UGH.

DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO DEFACE THE

CHAPEL WALL?

>> Rusty: WHICH ONE YOU WANT TO

MARRY, DADDY?

>> Early: UH, THAT ONE THERE

WILL DO. PUT A DRESS ON IT.

>> COULDN'T Y'ALL HAVE USED THE

SWATCHES?

>> Sheriff: EARLY, I DON'T THINK

YOU CAN LEGALLY MARRY A PAINT

CAN IN THIS STATE.

>> Early: I GOT THE RIGHT TO

MARRY ANYBODY I WANT TO, TO

PROVE THAT NOBODY IS SUPPOSED TO

BE MARRYING ANYBODY THEY WANT.

>> Sheriff: AW, YOU GET ALL

CONSTITUTIONAL WITH ME.

I-I CAN'T KEEP UP.

YOU GOT MY BLESSING.

GO AHEAD. >> Early: ALL RIGHT, THEN,

REVEREND.

LET'S GET IT ON!

>> WE'RE GATHERED HERE TODAY TO

UNITE IN HOLY MATRIMONY THIS

SQUID AND THIS GALLON OF, UH --

>> Early: EXTRA-ACRYLIC

HIGH-GLOSS LATEX PAINT AND

PRIMER IN ONE WITH A SEMIGLOSS

FINISH.

I DO!

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

STRAIGHT MARRIAGE ONLY, BABY!

>> AND WITH THAT, THE "WHAT'S

NEXT, YOU GONNA MARRY A PAINT

CAN?" GUY DROVE OFF WITH HIS NEW

WIFE AND ALL HER BRIDESMAIDS

TIED TO THE BUMPER.

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

REPORTING FROM DOUGAL COUNTY,

I'M DOUG RICHARDS.

>> Early: [ LAUGHS ]

I GOT THEIR DAMN THONGS IN A

TWIST NOW, BABY!

>> Granny: YEAH, I GUESS.

BUT WHAT'S NEXT?

>> Early: I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT THE

HELL'S NEXT!

>> Early: WHAT'S NEXT,

GAY-MARRIAGE LOVERS?

Y'ALL GONNA MAKE IT LEGAL FOR ME

TO MARRY THIS HERE VACUUM

CLEANER?

'CAUSE I'LL DO IT.

>> DIDN'T I JUST MARRY YOU TO A

PAINT CAN?

>> Early: I'M MARRYING ME AN

OBJECT A WEEK UNTIL THEM

GAY-MARRIAGE PEOPLE SHUT THE

HELL UP.

>> Dan Halen: MY FUNDAMENTALIST

FAST-FOOD CHAIN,

CHICKEN ON THE CROSS, IS

PREPARED TO THROW ITS FULL

FINANCIAL SUPPORT BEHIND YOU AND

YOUR MANY INANE WEDDINGS.

>> Early: I APPRECIATE YOU,

'CAUSE, I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL'S

NEXT, YOU KNOW?

WHAT IF SOMEBODY JUST HAULS OFF

AND MARRIES A DAMN --

>> Dan Halen: A PAINT CAN.

YES, YES.

I SAW THAT YOU DID THAT, YES.

>> Early: AND THIS HERE IS MY NEW WIFE, SPACE ROBOT.

BO-BO-BE-BOP-BOP-BO-BO-BO-BO.

WHAT'S THAT, HONEY?

OH! SHE SAYS, "HEY, NO GAYS

ARE MARRYING NO DAMN BODY HERE."

>> Dan Halen: LISTEN TO ME, YOU

FOOL!

IF YOU WANT THIS THING TO HAVE

LEGS, I NEED YOU TO MARRY

SOMETHING MORE INSANE, SOMETHING

THAT WILL GET ON TV!

>> Early: OH, I HEAR YOU.

SO YOU WANT ME TO MARRY THIS

HERE HOT DOG.

>> Dan Halen: YOU'RE GOING TO

MARRY A WILD BLACK BEAR OF

APPALACHIA!

PICTURE IT, A MASSIVE STRAIGHT

PRIDE PARADE THROUGH DOWNTOWN

DOUGAL COUNTY, WHERE YOU'LL

EXCHANGE VOWS WITH A BEAST OF

THE FOREST!

SURE, WE'LL LOSE SOME CUSTOMERS,

BUT WE'LL DOUBLE OUR SALES WITH

THE ROTUND JESUS FREAKS, WHO

WILL ALL UNITE IN A BRAINLESS

EFFORT TO SUPPORT US, LEAVING US

WITH A NET GAIN OF SLIGHTLY

MORE!

>> Granny: YOU DAMN GAY FOLKS!

YOU'VE STOLE ALL OUR STRAIGHT

COLORS!

WELL, THAT'S FINE.

ALL I NEED IS BLACK AND WHITE --

EXACTLY HOW I VIEW THE WORLD!

>> IT'S ADAM AND EVE, NOT

M-MADAM AND STEVE!

>> ACTUALLY, MADAM AND STEVE

WOULD BE JUST FINE.

>> Granny: YEAH, MADAM AND STEVE

IS TOTALLY HETERO.

>> WELL, WHAT ABOUT RODNEY AND

STEVE?

>> WHERE YOU GETTING RODNEY

FROM?

>> I PUT MY HAND DOWN RODNEY'S

PANTS.

HE GOT ALL WEIRD ABOUT IT.

>> Granny: RODNEY'S GAY,

EVERYONE.

>> Sheriff: RODNEY'S GAY?

WAIT. WHO'S RODNEY?

>> SOME DUDE.

IT'S PRETTY HAIRY UP HERE FOR A

BANG BUS.

[ BEAR GROWLING ]

>> Early: IS THIS HERE, MY

FUTURE, UH, BEAR WIFE?

>> Dan Halen: NO. THIS IS THE BEAR'S FATHER.

YOU MUST REQUEST HIS DAUGHTER'S

PAW IN MARRIAGE, BECAUSE WE'RE

PROMOTING TRADITIONAL FAMILY

VALUES HERE.

LOWER THE BEAR SHIELD!

>> Early: WHAT NOW?

[ BEAR ROARS ]

>> Dan Halen: NOW ASK THE URSINE

BEAST FOR ITS CUB'S HAND!

[ BEAR ROARS ] >> Early: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

SIR, I RECKON YOUR DAUGHTER'S A

VERY SPECIAL LADY.

[ SCREAMS ]

[ BEAR ROARS ]

>> Dan Halen: YOU HAVE HIS

BLESSING!

>> Rusty: HEY, DADDY, YOU ALL

RIGHT?!

>> Early: SATAN?

>> Rusty: NO, DADDY, IT'S JUST

RUSTY.

>> Early: I THINK I GOT ME SOME

COLD FEET ABOUT THIS HERE

MARRIAGE. >> Rusty: LOOK, DADDY.

IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL TO -- TO

HAVE SOME JITTERS ABOUT MARRYING

A WILD BEAR. [ BEAR ROARS ]

BUT IT'S WAY TOO LATE TO RUN.

HELL, EVEN IF HE DID, BEARS CAN

RUN UP TO 40 MILES AN HOUR.

[ BEAR ROARS ]

>> Early: ALL RIGHT, THEN.

HELL, LET'S DO IT.

[ WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS"

PLAYS ]

[ BEAR GROWLS ]

>> Early: I-I TOLD HIM A PRIME RIB CARVING STATION AND

CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!

>> Rusty: IT'S ALL THERE, DADDY.

THEY JUST HAD TO HANG IT FROM

THE TREES, YOU KNOW, ON ACCOUNT

OF YOUR BRIDE.

[ BEAR ROARS ]

YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME, DADDY.

NOW BALL UP FACEDOWN ON THE

GROUND AND PROTECT THE BACK OF

YOUR HEAD.

>> DO YOU, EARLY CUYLER, TAKE

THIS APPALACHIAN BLACK BEAR TO

BE YOUR WEDDED WIFE TO PROVE

YOUR POINT?

>> Early: YOU KNOW, I'M STARTING

TO THINK THAT, UH, THEM GAY

FOLKS OUGHTA BE ABLE TO MARRY

ABOUT ANYTHING THEY WANT.

>> Dan Halen: EMOTIONALLY COMMIT

TO THE BEAR!

BIND YOURSELF IN MATRIMONY...TO

THE BEAR!

>> Early: I DO.

>> Dan Halen: YOU'RE GODDAMN

RIGHT YOU D-- HE DOES, EVERYONE.

HE DOES.

>> YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BEAR.

[ BEAR GROWLS ]

>> Early: NAH, I'M GOOD, HALS.

>> Dan Halen: PUT THE RING ON

HER AND KISS HER DEEP FOR THE

CAMERA!

[ BEAR ROARS ]

>> Early: AW, HELL.

>> ♪ TONIGHT, I'M GONNA GIVE IT

A CHANCE ♪

>> Early: HMM.

THAT, UH -- THAT THERE WAS

PRETTY GOOD.

BUT YOUR DAMN FACE SMELLS LIKE

YOU BEEN ROOTING AROUND IN A

DAMN DUMPSTER. YOU GONNA HAVE TO WASH A HELL OF

A LOT BETTER THAN YOU WASHING IF

YOU GONNA STAY MARRIED TO ME!

[ BEAR ROARS ] >> Early: NO, NO, NO, NO!

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Rusty: BALL UP, DADDY!

[ BEARS ROARING ]

>> [ SCREAMS ]

>> [ GROANS ]

>> Dan Halen: AND NOW PRESENTING

MR. AND MRS. EARLY CUYLER.

[ BEAR ROARS ] >> Early: [ SCREAMS ]

GET IT OFF ME!

>> Dan Halen: THIS IS GOD'S

PUNISHMENT FOR MARRIAGES THAT

ARE NOT BETWEEN A MAN AND WOMAN!

>> Early: OH, JUST TURN IT OFF,

PLEASE.

>> Rusty: DON'T TALK NOW, DADDY.

YOU'LL MESS UP THEM SKIN GRAFTS.

>> Sheriff: WE ALL HAD TO GIVE

SOME BUTT SKIN, EARLY, SO THAT

THEY COULD REBUILD YOUR FACE.

>> Early: YEAH, THAT LOOKS GOOD.

THANK Y'ALL.

I-I HAD A FEELING IN MY GUT THAT

IT -- IT JUST WASN'T GONNA WORK

OUT BETWEENST HER AND ME.

I JUST HOPE SHE FINDS HAPPINESS

SOMEWHERE OUT THERE IN THE

FOREST, FAR AWAY FROM MY ASS.

>> Sheriff: WELL, YOU CAN TELL

HER YOURSELF. SHE'S RIGHT OUTSIDE.

[ DOOR BANGING ]

>> Early: NO, DON'T LET HER IN

HERE, NO.

>> Sheriff: Y'ALL ARE MARRIED,

SO SHE'S GOT VISITATION RIGHTS

NOW.

[ BEAR ROARS ]

>> Early: HEY, YOU'RE HERE.

I-I-I FEEL THAT WE RUSHED INTO

THIS.

[ SCREAMS ] >> Rusty: WHOA, NOW, THAT BEAR'S

GOT HER A DING-A-LING! >> Early: OH, NO!

>> Granny: OH, MY GOD!

EARLY'S DIGGING ON A DUDE!

>> Early: [ SCREAMS ]

>> Sheriff: WELL, EARLY, I-I

GUESS YOU'RE GETTING GOD'S

PUNISHMENT FOR TRYING TO MARRY A

GAY MAN BEAR.

>> GAY BEAR MARRIAGE AIN'T LEGAL

IN THIS STATE.

>> Early: SOMEBODY PLEASE!

>> Sheriff: OH, WELL, THAT MEANS

THIS BEAR AIN'T GOT VISITATION

RIGHTS AT ALL, THEN. >> Early: [ SCREAMS ]

[ MONITOR BEEPING ]

>> Sheriff: SO, DENNY, GO ON

OVER AND TELL THAT BEAR HE CAN'T

VISIT NO MORE.

[ BEAR ROARS ] >> HOW 'BOUT YOU TELL HIM?

>> Early: DAMN, GET HIM OFF, GET HIM OFF!

[ BEAR ROARS ] >> Sheriff: LET'S LET THE NURSE

DO IT.