Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ BLUES MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND

BURIED ♪

♪ YEAH, AND SOMETIMES I WISH THE

SUN WOULD JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO

HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

>> Rusty: I TELL YA, TAMMI, I

SURE DO APPRECIATE YOU LETTIN'

ME HAVE A SLEEPOVER WITH MY

LITTLE MACHO MAN.

>> HERE'S HIS DIAPER BAG AND

HIS BIPPY AND HIS BINKY AND A

PILLOW AND A BLANKET, 'CAUSE I

KNOW Y'ALL AIN'T GOT ONE OF

THEM. >> Rusty: THIS SOME MILK?

WE AIN'T HAD NO MILK SINCE THE

PIG RUN OFF!

>> IT'S FORMULA, RUSTY, AND IT'S

HIS.

NOW, YOU PROMISE ME -- YOUR

DADDY AIN'T OVER THERE, RIGHT?

>> Rusty: RIGHT.

>> Early: SAY IT AGAIN! >> Granny: [ CHOKES ]

>> Early: SAY IT ONE MORE TIME!

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT, BITCH!

>> Granny: OH, HEY, RUSTY.

>> Early: INTRUDER!

>> Granny: OH, NO!

>> Early: THEY COME IN HERE TO

BREAK IN OUR HOME!

NOT ON MY DAMN WATCH!

>> Granny: CALL THE 911!

HE AIN'T BREATHIN'!

>> Early: WAIT. WILL HE TALK?

CAN WE TRUST HIM? >> Granny: STOP THAT!

GO FETCH THE DOCTOR!

>> Early: OH, LORD!

OH, LORD! WHY?

MY ONLY BOY!

>> Granny: DID YOU GET THE

DOCTOR?

>> Early: OH.

UH...YEAH. UH, YEAH.

HE'S COMIN'.

RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.

HE'S COMIN' RIGHT NOW.

UH, I'M-A CALL HIM.

UH, FIXIN' TO CALL HIM.

>> Sheriff: 911.

This is the sheriff.

>> Early: UH [CLEARS THROAT] YEAH.

[ Voice breaking ] MY BOY'S BEEN

SHOT! I'M UPSET!

[ SNIFFLES ]

THESE ARE TEARS COMIN' OUT FOR

THIS HERE ISSUE.

YOU CAN TELL, RIGHT?

WELL, IT'S LIKE I SAID.

I MEAN, THE GUN WENT OFF, AND

NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M -- I'M

STILL ASLEEP AND RUSTY'S LAYIN'

THERE IN A POOL OF HIS'UN'S OWN

BLOOD.

AND I'M ASLEEP THIS WHOLE TIME.

>> Sheriff: AND YOU SAID THAT

THE BABY WAS CLEANING THE GUN AT

THE TIME, RIGHT?

>> Early: ARE YOU SUGGESTIN'

THAT A BABY SHOULD NOT BE

ALLOWED TO HAVE A GUN?

>> Sheriff: OH, NO, NO, NO.

I RESPECT THE SECOND AMENDMENT

AS MUCH AS YOU DO, EARLY.

I MEAN, THE FOUNDIN' FATHERS

KNEW THAT BABIES HAD THE RIGHT

TO MAINTAIN AN ARMED MILITIA.

>> WHERE IS THE GUN?

>> Early: THE BABY LOST THE GUN.

I MEAN, HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?

I MEAN, IT'S THE BABY'S GUN.

THE BABY'S GOT A RIGHT TO CARRY

AND CONCEAL HIS OWN GUN.

I MEAN, HELL, I TOLD YA, I WAS

ASLEEP!

>> Sheriff: SO HE LOST THE GUN

AFTER HE FIRED THE GUN...

WHILE CLEANING IT? >> Early: WELL, UH, UH,

TECHNICALLY, RUSTY WAS TRYIN' TO

BREAK INTO THE HOUSE, AND WHEN

THAT BABY ACCIDENTALLY SHOT HIM,

UH, IT WAS STILL SELF-DEFENSE.

>> BUT YOUR ASSERTION WAS THAT

THE BABY WAS WITH RUSTY.

>> Early: AND THE BABY KNOWS

THAT RUSTY AIN'T TO BREAK IN

HERE! [ GLASS SHATTERS ]

'COURSE, I DIDN'T SEE ANY OF IT

'CAUSE I WAS ASLEEP, DAMN IT.

I TOLD YA, I WAS ASLEEP!

>> AND YET YOUR STATEMENT SAYS

THAT THE BABY WAS CLEANING THE

GUN AT THE TIME OF THE SHOOTING.

>> Early: DON'T YOU TELL ME HOW

TO TELL MY BABY HOW TO CLEAN MY

GUN!

>> YOUR GUN?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS THE

BABY'S GUN.

>> Early: YOU TAKE THE GUNS AWAY

FROM THE BABIES, THEN ONLY THE

ADULTS IS GONNA HAVE THE GUNS!

THEN WHERE THE HELL WE GONNA

BE?

>> Sheriff: EARLY, HAVE YOU HAD

SOME DRINKS TONIGHT?

>> Early: YOU WANNA GET SOME

DRINKS NOW?

WELL, THERE'S BEEN A TRAGIC

SHOOTIN', BUT OKAY, THEN.

HELL, LET'S GET SOME DRINKS.

>> Sheriff: WELL, I TELL YOU

WHAT I THINK, EARLY.

I THINK IT'S PRETTY CLEAR-CUT

HERE.

THIS PRETTY MUCH WENT DOWN THE

WAY YOU SAID IT DID.

I MEAN, MAN'S GOTTA PROTECT

WHAT'S HIS. >> Early: A BABY.

A BABY'S GOTTA PROTECT.

>> WELL, HOLD ON, NOW.

IF YOU WAS ASLEEP, HOW COME YOU

KNOW THE BABY WAS CLEANIN' THE

GUN?

>> Early: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU,

SOME KINDA DETECTIVE?

>> YEAH, I'M STUDYIN' TO BE.

>> Early: I'M ANSWERIN' THE

QUESTIONS HERE!

UH, HOW 'BOUT THEM DRINKS NOW?

>> Sheriff: NO, I-IT'S GETTIN'

LATE, BUT THANKS FOR THE OFFER,

ANYHOW.

I KNOW IT'S BEEN AN...EMOTIONAL

NIGHT FOR YOU, SO...IF YOU WANT

TO FOLLOW THE AMBULANCE TO THE

HOSPITAL --

>> Early: NAH, HE'LL BE FINE.

>> Sheriff: WELL, YEAH, BUT...

RUSTY'S -- >> Early: NO.

WHAT, THEY GONNA LET ME SCRUB

IN, DUMBASS?

HELL, I DAIN'T NEVER REBUILT A

DAMN BRAIN.

>> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ]

OKAY, THEN. [ CLEARS THROAT ]

Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ] [ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

[ SIREN CHIRPS ]

>> Early: YEAH!

TOGETHER AGAIN, BABY!

WHOO!

[ GUN CLICKS ]

WHOO!

[ GUN CLICKS ]

WHOO?

[ GUN CLICKS ]

N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

[ SOBBING ]

MY ONLY GUN!

[ SOBBING ]

NOW, YOU GIVE ME ALL THAT SPENDY

PAPER IN THAT CASHY BOX --

RIGHT NOW!

OR YOU GON' DEAL WITH THIS!

[ CLATTER ]

>> YEAH, I SEE WHERE YOU'RE

GOIN' WITH THAT, BUT I'M AFRAID

THAT YOU'VE FINALLY GIVEN ME

ENOUGH TIME TO GET TO MY WALL

SAFE.

[ GUN COCKS, HUMS ]

>> Early: YES, SIR, I LIKE THAT.

>> THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK.

>> Early: HAND IT OVER, NOW.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

THIS IS STILL A STICKUP.

[ GUN FIRES ] AAH!

[ GUN COCKS, HUMS ]

THIS HERE AIN'T OVER.

HELL NO.

'CAUSE I GOT ME A HANDFUL OF

BULLETS, AND I AIN'T AFRAID TO

THROW 'EM.

[ GUN FIRES ]

[ GUN HUMS ]

WELL, I AIN'T DOIN' THE ROBBERY

TODAY. HELL NO.

I AIN'T GIVIN' YOU THE SATISFACTION.

HOW 'BOUT THAT? >> BYE-BYE, NOW.

>> Early: THAT THERE IS WHY WE

NEED GUN CONTROL IN THIS HERE

LAND. WHEN THE CRIMINALS AIN'T GOT

GUNS, ONLY THE GUYS THEY ROB GOT

GUNS! >> OKAY.

S-SEE YA LATER.

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

>> Early: EAT LEAD, YOU SON OF A

BITCH!

>> Sheriff: HERE, DENNY.

COME ON UP HERE, LOOK AT THIS.

>> WHEE!

>> Sheriff: EARLY'S PRAYIN' TO

THE LORD JESUS TO MAKE HIS BOY

WHOLE AGAIN.

>> Early: THE BABY WAS CLEANIN'

THE GUN.

YOU BROKE IN, OKAY?

THE BABY SHOT YOU WITH HIS GUN.

VICTIMLESS CRIME.

SELF-DEFENSE ACCIDENT. YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT WE GON' GO WITH,

OKAY?

NOW, REPEAT IT BACK TO ME.

[ MONITOR BEEPS ]

>> Rusty: [ GROANS ]

>> Early: HELL, THAT AIN'T GONNA

CONVINCE NOBODY.

YOUR BABY CAN BE TRIED AS A

MINOR!

A COUPLE WEEKS IN JUVIE, HE'LL

WALK BY CHRISTMAS.

ME, THIS IS MY 29th STRIKE, AND

WE AIN'T BOWLIN', YOU SON OF A

BITCH! NOW, WAKE UP!

>> Sheriff: THIS A BAD TIME,

OR...? >> Early: WE AIN'T READY!

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYIN' TO GET

MY DAMN STORY STRAIGHT BEFORE YOU COME AROUND HERE

INQUISITATIN' ME?

>> Sheriff: LET'S, UH, RESPECT

THE...FAMILY PRIVACY.

UH, COME ON, DENNY. >> Early: YEAH, THE GOVERNMENT'S

TRYIN' TO TURN IT AROUND ON ME!

MAKE ME THE ONE WHO DONE IT!

>> Granny: WELL, THAT'S WHY WE

FORMED A MILITIA -- FOR THIS

VERY REASON!

>> Early: THAT'S RIGHT!

MEETIN' OF THE MILITIA, RIGHT

NOW! [ GAVEL BANGS ]

CONFEDERATE SONS OF THE

WILD-EYED SOUTHERN LIBERTY BOYS

AND DALE JR. FAN CLUB WILL CALL

TO ORDER.

MUNITIONS OFFICER, PLEASE GIVE

US AN INVENTORY.

>> Granny: WE GOT 14 SHOTGUN

SHELLS AND, UH...

NO GUN AT THE MOMENT...

BUT WE DO HAVE THIS TWO-BY WITH

A RUSTY NAIL IN IT.

>> Early: YEAH -- THE EQUALIZER.

WE GONNA LAY THIS OUT THERE AS A

DETERRENT!

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY AND

OUTLAW MY THREEPENNY NAILS,

OBAMA!

>> Granny: WHAT DO WE DO IF THE

WORLD'S LARGEST AND MOST

ADVANCED MILITARY FORCE DECIDES

TO ORDER A DRONE STRIKE ON OUR

HEADQUARTERS? >> Early: HEAD OF INTEL.

>> Granny: YEAH?

>> Early: IN THE EVENT OF A

CODE BLACK, WHAT'S OUR SURVIVAL

WINDOW?

>> Granny: MM...I GOT THAT AT...

THREE SECONDS.

>> Early: BUT WE GOT ALL THEM

BEANS STOCKED UP NOW.

>> Granny: YEAH, THE BEANS ARE

GONNA BE DESTROYED, AS WELL.

>> Early: YEAH, BUT WE GOT THE

DECOYS.

>> Granny: THEY'RE JUST A BUNCH

OF HOLLOWED-OUT GOURDS WITH

FACES --

>> Early: WITH FACES ON 'EM --

THAT'S RIGHT -- DESIGNED TO LOOK

LIKE US.

>> Granny: I FEEL LIKE...

A GUN WOULD ALLOW US THE CHANCE

TO END THINGS...

ON OUR OWN TERMS.

YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

>> Early: YES, I DO.

WE GOTTA GET US A DAMN GUN.

FIGHT 'EM OFF! TO THE LAST MAN!

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

>> Granny: YEAH, I GUESS THAT'D

BE...

SAME RESULT.

>> Early: I'M A DAMN TAXPAYER!

>> Sheriff: NO, EARLY, THIS IS

MINE!

>> Early: SO I PAID FOR THAT

DAMN GUN YOU WEARIN' ON YOUR

HIP! [ GUN COCKS ]

>> BACK THE [BLEEP] OFF.

>> Early: WELL.

GOVERNMENT'S TRYIN' TO OVERTHROW

ME NOW.

YOU SONS OF BITCHES CAN KEEP

YOUR TAX-PAID GUNS.

I'LL JUST TAKE MY WELFARE CHECK

AND GO BUY ME A DAMN GUN!

I PAY MY OWN DAMN WAY!

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

[ GRUNTING ]

>> COULD I JUST SEE SOME I.D.

REAL QUICK?

>> Early: WHAT THE HELL FOR?

>> IT'S JUST A STANDARD

BACKGROUND CHECK.

WE CAN'T SELL GUNS TO CONVICTED

FELONS.

>> Early: ALL RIGHT.

>> [ Laughing ] OF COURSE, THAT,

UH, WON'T BE A PROBLEM FOR YOU,

SHERIFF.

>> Early: THE SHERIFF'S HERE?

>> NO.

THAT'S, UH, WHAT YOUR I.D. SAYS,

THOUGH. >> Early: OH.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. IT DOES.

AND SO DOES THIS HERE

CREDIT CARD WITH, UH,

TEDDY BEAR JUNCTION POINTS.

>> THAT'S OKAY. CAN'T PAY YET.

THERE'S A 15-DAY WAIT ON ALL GUN

PURCHASES.

>> Early: 15 DAYS?!

HELL, MY TEMPER CAN'T WAIT 15

DAYS!

>> Granny: WE NEED THE GUNS NOW!

>> Early: WHAT IF I FORGET WHAT

THE HELL I'M SO PISSED OFF

ABOUT?! >> Well, you didn't hear it from

me, but there's no "mandatory"

anything...

on bats.

Those are in the sports section.

Ask for Sheila.

[ PLINK ]

[ CLATTER ]

>> Early: NO, NO.

THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' MORE

UNSATISFYIN' THAN THE PLINK OF

ALUMINUM AGAINST A SKULL.

I'M A PURIST!

[ GUNFIRE ]

THERE'S ONE!

GET HIS GUN! GET IT!

>> Granny: OH, I HATE TO TAKE IT

OFF ONE OF OUR OWN.

>> WELL, I DECLARE.

I FEAR THIS SCOUNDREL IS TRYING

TO ABSCOND WITH MY --

>> Early: UNHAND THAT --

>> OW, STOP! STOP IT! STOP!

YOU GUYS, TIME OUT!

YOU KNOW WE'RE PLAY-ACTING,

RIGHT? >> Early: GET THE SASH.

>> I BUILT THAT GUN OFF THE

INTERNET!

[ SIREN CHIRPS ]

>> Sheriff: HEY, Y'ALL!

OH, HELL.

[ Laughing ] Y'ALL GET ME WITH

THAT EVERY TIME.

>> Early: THE GOVERNMENT!

THEY'RE COMIN' FOR MY SIDEARM!

[ POP ]

>> Sheriff: DAMN IT! DAMN IT!

DAMN IT!

>> Granny: HE BREACHED THE OUTER

PERIMETER!

PROTECT THE HOMELAND AT ALL

COSTS!

[ GUN CLICKS ]

>> Early: IT AIN'T WORKIN'!

THE LASER SCOPE IS BROKE!

>> Granny: USE THE RAMROD, YOU

DUMBASS!

SCOOT OVER AND LET ME DO THIS.

>> Early: UH, UH, HANG ON JUST

A SECOND, GOVERNMENT.

IN ABOUT A MINUTE, YOU GON' FEEL

MY RIGHTEOUS FURY!

[ SIGHS ] HURRY THE HELL UP, BITCH!

>> Granny: HERE YOU GO.

>> Early: YOU GON' GET THIS GUN

FROM ME WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY

COLD... [ GUN CLICKS ]

...DEAD...

[ GUN CLICKING ]

DAMN IT!

>> Sheriff: UH...JUST COME BY TO

TELL YOU THAT WE CLOSED THE BOOK

ON RUSTY'S SHOOTIN'.

YOU WAS RIGHT.

IT WAS THE BABY.

>> Granny: FINALLY, THERE'S SOME

JUSTICE! >> Early: OH, THANK GOD!

>> Sheriff: YEAH, WE HAD TO GET

HIM OFF THE STREET.

YOU GOIN' TO JAIL!

YES, YOU ARE!

'GOIN TO JAIL! >> I KNOW YOU DID THIS!

AND NOW MY BABY HAS A POLICE

RECORD! >> Granny: NOW GET OFF MY

PROPERTY, BITCH.

>> HE AIN'T NEVER SPENDIN' ANY

TIME WITH YOU, NEVER!

>> Early: ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS

WELL.

>> Sheriff: YOU KNOW, RUSTY'S,

UH, STILL IN SERIOUS CONDITION

IN THE I.C.U.

>> Early: A'IGHT. GOOD TO KNOW.

>> Sheriff: MATTER OF FACT, DOC

SAYS HE AIN'T OUT OF THE WOODS --

>> Early: THAT'S GREAT. THANK YOU.

NOW, ABOUT THAT GUN THAT I

THROWED AT YOU -- YOU RECKON I

COULD GET THAT BACK?

>> Sheriff: WELL, IT'S CLOSER TO

YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE.

>> Early: TASTE IT!