Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND

BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD

JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO

HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

[ YODELING ]

>> Rusty: MY TURN.

>> Early: HELL NO.

>> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT

THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

>> Rusty: HEY, DADDY, I SEE ONE!

I SEE ONE! >> Early: ALL RIGHT, NOW.

CALM DOWN.

HOLD STEADY NOW.

LET ME LIGHT THE ARROW.

AND...

FIRE!

[ MAN SCREAMS ]

[ EXPLOSION ]

[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]

>> Rusty: THAT BUCK KIND OF

SCREAMS LIKE A MAN.

>> OW!

>> Early: HEY, DUMBASS, CAN'T

YOU SEE WE BOW HUNTING OUT HERE?

YOU SUPPOSED TO BE WEARING

BRIGHT-ASS NEON ORANGE! >> Sheriff: OH, WHOA!

HOLD IT, EARLY!

YOU CAN'T BE BOW HUNTING HERE!

THIS IS A CLOSED SET.

>> Rusty: OOH! Y'ALL MAKING ONE A THEM FILMY

MOVIES?

LIKE WHAT THEY GOT ON THE TV?

>> Sheriff: THAT'S RIGHT, RUSTY.

I'M PART OF THE CREW.

>> Early: UNH-UNH! NO, SIR!

Y'ALL AIN'T SHOOTING NO DAMN

MOVIE ON MY BACK 40! NOT WITHOUT NO MONETARILY

COMPULATATION.

HELL NO!

>> EXCUSE ME, GUYS. >> Rusty: OH, MY GOD, DADDY,

THAT'S TANCE JACKERMAN.

I SEEN HIM ON THE TV!

>> YOU KNOW, YOU REMIND ME A LOT

OF BUBBA BRISCOE.

IT'S THE CHARACTER I PLAY IN

THIS FILM.

HE'S A NE'ER-DO-WELL BLACK SHEEP

OF THE FAMILY, BUT HE DOES WHAT

IT TAKES THE PROVIDE FOR HIS

KIN. >> Early: I DON'T KNOW NO

BRISCOE.

HE FROM LUMPKIN?

>> HE'S FICTIONAL.

MAKE-BELIEVE.

>> Early: LUMPKIN'S REAL.

JUST ONE TOWN OVER.

DON'T YOU TRY AND TRICK ME.

>> WHAT DO YOU HAVE GOING ON FOR

TONIGHT?

>> Early: EH, IT'S A PRETTY DAMN

BUSY EVENING.

GOT TO INHALE THIS HERE GALLON

OF MINERAL SPIRITS, THEN WHITTLE

A STICK. >> WOULD YOU MIND IF I JUST HANG

OUT?

YOU KNOW, SHADOW YOU?

>> Early: I-IS THAT SOME KIND OF

WEIRD-ASS HOLLYWOOD SEX THING?

>> OH, NO, NO, NO.

I JUST WANT TO SEE WHAT MAKES

YOU TICK. >> Rusty: I'VE GOT ME A DEER

TICK ON MY TAINT THAT'S ABOUT AS BIG AS A DAMN NICKEL!

>> Early: HE WANTS TO SEE MY

TICKS, RUSTY, NOT YOURN!

>> OF COURSE, YOU'LL BE PAID

HANDSOMELY FOR YOUR TIME.

>> Early: YOU LIVE HERE NOW.

YOU SEE THAT TANCE?

A SOUTHERN MAN TELLS IT LIKE

IT IS.

NOW LET'S GIT! WHOO!

>> LET'S "GEET." WHOO!

>> Early: Y'ALL.

>> "YULL."

>> Early: NO, IT'S Y'ALL.

>> "YULL." >> Early: Y'ALL.

>> "Y'ERLL." >> Early: Y'ALL.

>> Y'ARGLL.

>> Early: NO "R." HELL NO.

>> YAM? YAMENS?

>> Early: WHERE THE HELL'D YOU

GET THAT?

>> MAN! IT'S HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS.

>> Early: NO, NO, NO. REPEAT AFTER ME NOW.

"Y'ALL FIXIN' TO TIE A WHOOPIN'

ON JUNIOR AN' THEM."

>> YOU'RE ALL FIXING TO TIE A

WHOOPING ON JUNIOR AND THEM.

>> Early: "JUNIOR 'N THEM,"

DAMN IT! IT'S ONE WORD --

"JUNIOR 'N THEM!"

DON'T BREAK IT UP LIKE A NERD.

>> HOLD ON. LET ME...

ME ME ME, MI MI MI, MO MO MO...

>> Early: STOP PRAYING TO YOUR

JEW GODS.

PUT THIS IN YOUR MIND AND YOU'LL

NEVER FORGET IT.

"SAY 'Y'ALL' WHEN YOU WANT TO

CALL ON ALL."

>> SAY Y'ALL WHEN YOU WANT TO

CALL ON ALL!

>> Early: YEAH, THERE YOU GO.

YOU GETTIN' IT!

>> SAY Y'ALL WHEN YOU WANT TO

CALL ON ALL!

>> Early: THERE YOU GO!

NOW, WHEN YOU'RE MIXIN' WITH A

VIXEN, YOU SAY "FIXIN'."

>> I'M FIXIN' TO BE MIXIN' WITH

A VIXEN!

>> Early: YOU BEST BE FIXIN' TO GET YOUR LICKS IN!

>> WHY -- UNH!

>> Early: MIGHT HELP YOU LEARN

THE DICTION.

'CAUSE I'M FIXIN' TO PUT MY

"DICTION" TO YOUR VIXEN!

WHOO!

>> HE'S FIXIN' TO PUT HIS DICKS

INTO MY VIXEN!

>> Early: SUMBITCH, HE'S GOT IT!

HELL YEAH!

LET'S CELEBRATE!

>> WOW! YOU MAKE THAT LOOK EASY.

>> Early: HERE, YOU TRY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Early: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

YOU LOST YOUR MIND?! THIS IS MY BEER!

YOU SHOTGUN ONE OF YOURN!

>> OKAY, OKAY, I GUESS WE'LL GO

BUY SOME BEER FOR ME.

>> Early: THAT AIN'T HOW YOU DO

A BEER RUN.

THIS HERE'S HOW YOU DO A BEER

RUN! WHOO!

>> ALL Y'ALL FIXIN' TO GO DOWN

ON THE FLOOR!

>> Early: DAMN! YOU DON'T USE

"Y'ALL" WHEN YOU TALKIN' TO ONE

PERSON!

THIS HERE'S A DAMN INDIVIDUAL!

AND HE'S GOT A NAME!

IT'S BOYD! >> OH, WELL, THANK YOU, EARLY--

>> Early: SHUT YOUR MOUTH, DIRT!

NOW GO ON AND FETCH THE BEER

WHILE I STOMP "BOYD'S" BRAINS

OUT!

>> HOW ABOUT A HEFEWEIZEN OR

A...CHERRY WHEAT?

>> Early: NO!

GET THE GOOD STUFF!

THE TALL CANS!

>> OH! THE POLICE.

SHOULD WE STRIP DOWN TO THE

WAIST AND TRY TO FISTFIGHT THEM,

OR...

EARLY?

HELLO? >> THIS IS USUALLY ABOUT THE

TIME HE PASSES OUT DURING THIS

PROCEDURE. SAY, MR. JACKERMAN, CAN WE GET A

PHOTO TOGETHER?

>> YEAH, SURE, GUY.

WITHOUT FANS, I WOULDN'T HAVE A

JOB! [ LAUGHS ]

WELL, I'D PROBABLY HAVE A JOB.

>> Sheriff: IS HE ASLEEP YET?

>> Early: THIS HERE'S

TANCE JACKERMAN, SO YOU BEST LET

US BOTH THE HELL OUT OF HERE

RIGHT NOW!

>> Sheriff: I KNOW WHO IT IS,

EARLY.

I'M JUST TRYING TO BE COOL.

THEY DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU

TREAT THEM LIKE YOU'RE ALL

FAMOUS. >> THAT'S RIGHT.

JUST TREAT ME LIKE ANY OTHER

COMMON WHITE-TRASH LOWLIFE LIKE

HIM.

>> Sheriff: WELL, AS LONG AS

I'VE GOT YOU IN THERE, LET ME

PITCH YOU AN IDEA FOR A

SCREENPLAY.

DON'T SELL THIS NOW, YOU HEAR?

>> I'M JUST AN ACTOR--

>> Sheriff: YOU KNOW THEM MOVIES

WHERE THE GUY GETS CONKED ON THE

HEAD AND HE KIND OF SWITCHES

IDENTITY WITH A KID?

>> I DID TWO OF THOSE.

>> Sheriff: WELL, MY MOVIE'S

KIND OF LIKE THAT, BUT THIS GUY

SWITCHES PLACES WITH A MOOSE.

I CALL IT "LOOSE CHANGE."

>> WHY NOT JUST CALL IT

"MOOSE CHANGE"?

>> Sheriff: "MOOSE CHANGE"...

HOT DAMN!

HOW'D I MISS THAT?

TANCE JACKERMAN, IN MY CELL,

WRITING A MOVIE WITH ME!

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I'VE GOT THIS WHOLE JAIL

THING.

WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND LET

ME OUT?

>> Early: BEST LET MY ASS OUT, TOO!

HELL, I'M A CONSULTING PRODUCER ON THIS HERE PROJECT!

>> Sheriff: IT IS ARMED ROBBERY,

AND --

>> LOOK, I CAN TELL YOU'RE A

GOOD COP, AND WE MAY NEED

SOMEONE TO PLAY A COP IN THE SCENE WHERE THE MONSTER

EVISCERATES A BUNCH OF COPS.

>> Sheriff: YOU THINK I COULD

PLAY A POLICEMAN?

I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I HAD

THIS UNIFORM!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Early: [ GROANS ]

HERE, YOU SMELL ON THIS LONG AND

HARD UNTIL THE SPACE-JESUS COMES

DOWN AND TELLS YOU WHO TO PUNCH.

>> I AIN'T "FRIXIN'" TO DO THAT,

EARLY.

[ CHUCKLES ] I HAVE A PERSONAL-TRAINING

SESSION IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.

LET'S MEET AT MY TRAILER AT 7:30

FOR BREAKFAST.

WE'LL "CHEW SOME FAT."

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND HERE'S 500 BUCKS FOR THE

DAY.

THANKS, BRO. TRUTH.

>> Early: WHOA, NOW!

JUST CAUSE YOU PAY ME DON'T MEAN

YOU CAN LAY ME!

>> I'M GONNA USE THAT! >> "JUST 'CAUSE YOU PAY ME DON'T

MEAN YOU'RE GONNA LAY ME!"

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

>> Granny: YOU'RE BRINGING SHAME

UPON THIS HOUSE!

THEM HOLLYWOODERS ONLY AIM TO

JEWITIZE YOU AND HOMOSEXULATE

YOU.

>> Early: SHUT YOUR DAMN

SPERM-GURGLER!

HELL, HE JUST GIVE ME $500 JUST

TO HANG OUT AND BE MYSELF.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE COOL LIKE THAT?

HUH?

>> Granny: WELL, I STILL DON'T

APPROVE, BUT LET'S TAKE THAT

MONEY TO THE "INJUN" CASINO AND

BUY US SOME COCAINE.

>> Sheriff: MY HEAD SHOT.

I CAN HORSEBACK RIDE AND ICE

SKATE.

I DO SEVERAL DIALECTS, AND I'VE

GOT A SPOT-ON ITALIAN.

"MAMA MIA!

THAT'S A SPAGHETTI MEAT-A-BALL!

ME NO LIKE-A OTHER-A RACES!"

>> UH, YEAH. MM.

TELL YOU WHAT, LET'S GO AHEAD

AND TRY THE LINES ON THE PAGE.

>> Sheriff: "WITH-A THE

ITALIAN-A FOR ME TO SAY FOR

YOU?"

>> OH, WITH THE REGULAR ENGLISH,

PLEASE.

>> Sheriff: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

"COP 3. HEROIC.

HOLD FIRM, GUYS.

THAT CREATURE DON'T KNOW WHAT

IT'S UP AGAINST."

>> OKAY.

MAYBE A LITTLE MORE BOLD.

YOU'RE REALLY RALLYING THE

TROOPS, HERE, YOU KNOW?

MONSTER'S COMIN TO GET YOU,

SO...

>> Sheriff: ALL RIGHT. GOT IT.

"COP 3! HEROIC--"

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ THE --

THE CHARACTER NAMES. JUST, UH -- JUST THE LINES WOULD

BE GREAT.

>> Sheriff: OH, OH, OKAY!

I GOTCHA. ALL RIGHT.

"HOLD FIRM, GUYS.

THAT CREATURE...DON'T KNOW WHAT

IT IS UP AGAINST.

>> OKAY. THAT WAS...WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU.

>> Sheriff: MY ADDRESS IS, UH,

ON THE SHEET, THERE.

>> YEAH, WE -- WE'VE GOT THAT

HERE.

>> Sheriff: "Y'ALL-A GIVE-A ME A

CALL-A.

I DON'T HAVE AN AGENT-A YET-A,

SO DON'T-A FORGET-A TO

REMEMBER-A ME-O."

>> Early: WELL, THERE HE IS --

OL' TANCE -- TANCE JACKERMAN.

>> Granny: WE DO COCAINE DOWN

HERE IN THE SOUTH, SO YOU NEED

TO OBSERVE ME DOING SOME

COCAINE? GIVE ME ONE OF YOUR

HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILLS.

I NEED YOU TO ROLL IT UP, FILL

IT WITH COCAINE, AND BLOW IT STRAIGHT UP MY ASS!

>> WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU, BRO?

>> Early: I'VE BEEN BEING MYSELF

FOR TWO DAYS STRAIGHT.

HELL, IT AIN'T MY FAULT YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR WORK!

>> EARLY, I WAS COUNTING ON YOU

TO BE AN UNDEPENDABLE BLACK

SHEEP FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE

TRACKS, AND YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE

IT TO A BASIC CALL TIME?!

>> Early: I HEAR YOU, BRO, BUT,

LISTEN -- I NEED TODAY'S MONEY

NOW SO I CAN GET BACK MY

TWO-DAYS-AGO MONEY BACK FROM

THAT CHICKASAW CASINO WHAT TOOK

MY MONIES! >> YOU KNOW WHAT?

HERE'S $200.

YOU AND ME?

WE'RE DONE.

>> Early: WE DONE WHEN I SAY WE

DONE!

AND WE IS MANY, MANY PAYMENTS OF

$500 AWAY FROM BEIN' DONE!

YOU HEAR ME?! >> Granny: AND COCAINE, TOO!

BRING COCAINE!

>> CUYLER, WE NEED YOU AT GATE

TWO NOW.

>> Rusty: ROGER THAT.

>> Early: HE PAYS ME TO ACT LIKE

ME! AND I BEEN BEING ME ALL DAMN

DAY!

YOU OWE ME MONEY!

>> Granny: AND DON'T FORGET THE

BOOGER SUGAR.

I'M CRASHIN' HARD HERE!

>> Rusty: NOW Y'ALL LISTEN.

THEY'RE ABOUT TO SHOOT THAT BIG

MONSTER SCENE OUT BY THE RIVER.

>> Early: IS THAT MY SHACK?

THEY STOLE MY SHACK!

>> Rusty: YEAH, THEY WANTED TO

RENT OUR SHACK, BUT IT'S JUST

CHEAPER TO BUILD ONE.

>> Granny: HEY, SEE IF THEY'LL

GIVE YOU THAT SHACK.

THAT'S A BETTER SHACK.

>> Rusty: NOW LISTEN, PLEASE

DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME.

I'M ACTUALLY GOOD AT THIS. >> Early: DOING WHAT?

>> Rusty: WELL, HANGIN' LIGHTS,

MOSTLY.

>> Early: HANGING LIGHTS, HUH?

WELL, HEY, GRANNY, HOW MANY

RUSTYS DOES IT TAKE TO HANG A

LIGHT BULB?

ONE. YOU!

>> Rusty: Y'ALL ARE BOTH

SUPER-HIGH RIGHT NOW.

Y'ALL NEED TO GO GET YOU SOME

SLEEP. >> Early: ALL RIGHT, DAMN IT,

I'LL CALM DOWN.

BUT YOU TELL YOUR OLD BUDDY

TANCE JACKERMAN THAT I'M GONNA

BE HERE IN SPIRIT!

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

MINERAL SPIRITS!

>> Granny: ALSO, WOULD YOU

PLEASE TELL HIM THAT --

>> Rusty: I KNOW, GRANNY, YOU'RE

INTERESTED IN COCAINE.

>> Granny: THANK YOU.

>> MONSTER CLIMAX, TAKE 1A.

AND ACTION.

>> Early: YOU WANT YOU A

MONSTER, HUH?

YOU MEET THE MONSTER!

THE MONSTER IS YOU!

>> WHAT'S GOING ON?

I CAN'T SE-- AAH!

>> Early: YOU DONE BROUGHT A

KNIFE TO A MONSTER FIGHT.

WHOA. AAH!

AAH!

>> Sheriff: AUDITIONS HAVE

REALLY DRIED UP SINCE YOUR

LITTLE STUNT DOWN AT THE RIVER,

EARLY. >> Early: WHAT'S REALLY DRIED

UP?

PEOPLE COMIN' AROUND AND PAYING

ME TO ACT LIKE ME, TOO.

THINGS IS TOUGH ALL OVER.

>> Sheriff: YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T

SPEND $4,000 ON HEAD SHOTS, DID

YOU? >> THEY TOOK YOUR PICTURE DOWN

AT THE BARBECUE JOINT.

>> Sheriff: DAMN IT!

YOU TAKE THIS OVER THERE AND PUT

IT UP RIGHT NEXT TO THE

OAK RIDGE BOYS ON THAT

WALL OF FAME!

AND YOU CAN TELL 'EM I GOT

10,000 MORE WHERE THAT CAME

FROM! >> IT JUST COME IN!

STRAIGHT TO DVD!

>> Sheriff: FINALLY!

POP IT IN, BOYD!

>> I BEEN FIXING TO LIVE ON THIS

RIVER ALL MY COTTON-PICKING

LIFE.

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

IF YOURL STAND IN MY WAY, YOURL

GONNA GET WHAT'S COMING TO

YOURL. >> Sheriff: HARD TO BELIEVE HE'S

BRITISH.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

FAST-FORWARD OVER TO MY SCENE.

I GOT A SPEAKING PART, AND I

WANT TO SEE THIS.

>> HOLD FAST, GUYS.

THIS CREATURE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT

IT'S UP AGAINST.

>> Sheriff: HOLY HELL!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

WAIT. ROLL THAT BACK.

YEP! THAT'S ME, RIGHT THERE!

SEE THAT?!

[ ROARS ]