Original subtitles

♪ MY DREAMS, THEY ARE ALL DEAD AND BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

Rusty: MY TURN.

Early: HELL NO.

Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

Early: DON'T TOUCH THE TRIM!

[ AIR HORN BLOWS ] [ GATE OPENS ]

[ HOOVES CLOMPING ] Sheriff: UNH-UNH! LOOK OUT!

HERE I COME!

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

AAH!

Early: LOOK AT THAT DAMN DUMBASS A-TEARIN' AROUND!

[ LAUGHS ] [ BULL MOOS ]

HE HOPPED IN THE DAMN BARREL!

[ LAUGHS ] WHOO!

HE'S LIKE A DAMN PICKLE IN A BARREL!

HE'S A DAMN PICKLE!

IN A PICKLE, THAT'S WHAT HE IS!

AIN'T HE RUSTY, AIN'T HE?

Rusty: YEAH, DADDY.

HE'S A PICKLE.

Early: WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN BY THAT?

Rusty: NOTHING.

Early: I SAID HE'S LIKE A DAMN PICKLE, NOT A DAMN PICKLE!

HE'S A DAMN MAN!

[ LAUGHS ] LOOK AT THAT SUMBITCH BOUNCE

AROUND!

Rusty: WHY YOU THINK THEY GIVIN' US A FREE RODEO, GRANNY?

Granny: YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY -- YOU DON'T GET SOMETHING

FOR NOTHING.

EXCEPT FOR RODEOS.

YOU GET THEM FREE FOR NOTHING.

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY! YIPEE!

Early: WAIT A MINUTE.

AIN'T THAT THERE THE HAMBURGER DOG?

YOU KNOW THE BIG OL' DOG WHAT HAMBURGERS COMES OUT OF?

Rusty: THAT'S A BULL.

[ GUN COCKS ] [ BULL MOOS ]

[ GUNSHOT ] [ CROWD GASPS ]

Early: MEAT!

THAT'S FREE MEAT, RIGHT THERE!

I SHOT IT, IT'S MINE!

Sheriff: THANKS, EARLY!

COULDN'T Y'ALL SEE I WAS IN TROUBLE IN THERE!

WHOA, DAMN, PLAYER!

YOU CAPPED MY ONLY BULL!

[ CHUCKLES ] I SEE HOW Y'ALL PLAY IN

DOUGAL COUNTY, DAMN.

LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.

MY NAME'S PAUL NEWBURG FROM GALACTACON ENERGY SOLUTIONS, BUT

YOU CAN CALL ME P-NUT!

WHAT, WHAT!

CAN I GET A "WHAT, WHAT?" All: WHAT, WHAT!

GALACTACON HAS GOT AN UNBELIEVABLY LUCRATIVE

OPPORTUNITY FOR ALL Y'ALL!

CHA-CHING, SON!

MAKIN' THAT MONEY!

BUT WE'LL DISCUSS IT AT Y'ALL'S CRIBS TOMORROW.

RIGHT NOW, GET THEM HANDS UP FOR SOME FREE CORN DOGS!

COME ON, GET THEM CORN DOG GUNS OUT HERE!

KEEP THAT BEAT GOI-I-IN!

Granny: CORN DOGS!

OVER HERE!

[ GRUNTS ] Early: LOOKY HERE, IT'S RAININ' MEAT STICKS!

Rusty: WHOO! YEAH, BABY!

Granny: YEAH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] Dan Halen: WELL, WELL.

IF IT ISN'T MR. SMOOTH-TALKING RAP MAN, DROPPING SCIENCE FROM

THE BIG CITY.

YO, I'M JUST A SQUIRREL TRYING TO FIND A NUT, PLAYER.

Dan Halen: SAVE ME YOUR SQUIRREL ANALOGIES!

YOU CAN'T APPEAL TO THESE RODENTS ON A PERSONAL LEVEL!

THEY DON'T RESPOND TO HUMAN CONNECTION AND EMPATHY.

I'VE TRIED IT.

EVERYONE! EYES UP HERE!

YOU WILL ALL UPGRADE TO MY ELITE PREMIUM CABLE PACKAGE OR THIS

BABY DIES!

[ CROWD GASPS ] YOU THINK I'M A MONSTER?

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY I WOULDN'T DROP A REAL BABY.

THE BABY WAS CHINESE.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE OR WHY YOU'RE HERE --

OH, IT SAYS IT RIGHT HERE.

WAIT, YOU CAN GET NATURAL GAS OUT OF THE GROUND?

HOW?!

WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL?

IT'S YOUR BOY, P-NUT!

BISCUI-I-I-ITS!

Rusty: WE GOT US SOME FREE BISCUITS!

Granny: OH! REAL BISCUITS!

Early: THE BISCUITS ARE MINE!

BISCUITS!

MMM, SAVORY BISCUITS!

YEAH, ALL RIGHT. EAT UP.

Early: BREAKFAST IS OVER!

NOW YOU 'BOUT TO GET YOUR HAT BILL STRAIGHTENED UP.

SO YOU PICK UP YOUR BISCUIT BOX FROM THE CITY AND CLIMB YOUR ASS

BACK INTO YOUR DAMN -- BEAUTIFUL SON OF A BITCH!

IS THAT A BEHEMOTH?

ON A 40-INCH LIFT KIT?

YOU WANNA DRIVE IT?

Early: YEAH! WHOO!

YEAH!

HELL YEAH! OH!

Rusty: HEY.

WHERE DO YOU GET ALL THAT MONEY FOR BISCUITS AND CORN DOGS AND

JEWELRY?

ARE YOU ITALIAN?

NO, SON.

I'M JUST ROLLING WITH BIG FACES IN MY POCKET!

WORKING FOR GALACTACON!

Rusty: WHAT THE HELL'S GALACTACON?

WE'RE THE PEOPLE THAT'S GONNA PULL ALL THIS NATURAL GAS OUT

YOUR LAND AND GET YOU PAID WITH SOME MAD STACKS OF MONEY, SON!

DON'T YOU WANT SOME EXTENSIONS FOR THAT HAIR OF YOURS?

THAT WISPY ONE RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE THAT JUST WAVING BACK

AND FORTH.

Granny: OH, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU THINK IT WOULD SUIT ME?

DAMN, THIS IS A BIG-ASS SPREAD, JACK.

GALACTACON'S GIVIN OUT 10 BILLS AN ACRE, Y'ALL.

THAT'S MO MONEY, MO MONEY, MO MONEY!

DO THE MATH!

Granny: LIL DOES A LITTLE TOO MUCH MATH.

LIL?

Granny: YOU KNOW SHE EVEN HAD A MATH LAB.

IS THAT THE PRETTY LADY UNDER THIS BIG-ASS WIG?

Lil: YOU HERE TO DO SOME DRILLIN'?

[ LAUGHS ] BABY, PLEASE, CALL ME P-NUT.

[ CHUCKLES ] GOOD SUCTION.

THOSE AIN'T RIB BONES, BABY.

GIVE ME THAT HAND BACK.

Early: WHOO!

[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ] [ CRASHING ]

WHOA, WHOA! HOLD UP, PLAYER!

AIN'T THAT YOUR WHIP?

Early: DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS.

WAIT.

MY WHIP!

HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN!

THAT'S ALL RIGHT!

THAT'S ALL RIGHT!

YOU SIGN THIS CONTRACT, AND YOU CAN BUY A WHOLE FLEET OF THESE.

I'M GONNA GO TO TOWN AND GET MY GAME ON.

Rusty: HEY WAIT, P-NUT.

UH, CAN I GO WITH YOU?

CAN YOU GO?

PLAYER, CAN YOU DRIVE?

[ SNIFFS ] YO, RUZZY, IS YOUR AUNT WITH

THAT CRAZY-ASS WIG SINGLE?

Rusty: SINGLE BIGGEST WHORE IN THIS COUNTY.

SHE'LL FUCK ANYBODY FROM OUT OF TOWN.

DON'T YOU THINK I GOT TO GET TO KNOW HER FIRST?

Rusty: WHY?

[ Laughing ] OH!

THAT'S MY BOY! KNUCKLE UP!

BLOW IT UP! BOOM!

♪ ABOUT MY BUSINESS ♪ EVERY DAY

♪ YOU KNOW I BE ABOUT MY BUSINESS ♪

♪ EVERY WAY ♪ YOU KNOW I'M HANDLING MY

BUSINESS ALL THE TIME ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW I BE ABOUT MY

BUSINESS ♪ ♪ AND WHUPPIN' YOUR BEHIND

♪ I GET A HEALTHY PER DIEM WHEN MY SUPERVISORS SEE I'M EXCEEDING

QUOTAS LIKE EVERY DAMN DAY ♪ ♪ AND WITH YOUR CONTRACT SIGNED,

THEN YOUR WHOLE TOWN IS MINE ♪ ACTUALLY, IT'S LEGAL PROPERTY

OF GALACTACON ENERGY SOLUTIONS.

TAKE WHAT YOU WANT, EARLY.

I DON'T NEED THIS PISSANT MONEY.

CAUSE WHEN THEM FRACKING TRUCKS COME, I AM RETIRING.

Early: HELL, I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN POCKET CHANGE, CAUSE

WHEN THEY FRACK MY LAND, I'LL BE RICHER THAN YOU.

AND I MIGHT JUST BUY YOUR DAMN HOUSE AND MOVE YOUR LAZY ASS

RIGHT THE HELL OUT!

Sheriff: SO, UH, NO ROBBERY TODAY, OR...

EH, IT'S UP TO HIM.

I COULDN'T CARE LESS.

THAT'S NO SKIN OFF MY WALLET.

Early: [ Chuckling ] YOU'RE MAKING ME LAUGH HERE!

I WOULDN'T WIPE MY TAIL WITH THIS MESS.

I'M GONNA BE RICH, YOU HEAR?

I JUST WEAR THIS BAG OUT OF HABIT.

OH, YEAH?

I'M GONNA BE RICHER THAN YOU.

HOW'S THAT SIT WITH YA?

Early: THE HELL YOU ARE!

HELL, I MIGHT JUST BUY YOUR DAMN NEW MONEY WITH MY NEW MONEY AND

BUY YOUR MONEY OUT AND THROW IT AWAY!

Sheriff: HOW ARE Y'ALL GETTING RICH ALL A SUDDEN?

I BET YOU THERE'S GAS ALL UP UNDER HERE.

IF YOU NEED TO LEVEL THE HOUSE, JUST GIVE ME TIME TO GET MAMA'S

IRON LUNG OUT OF THE CRAWL SPACE.

YO, RUZZY.

WHAT'S THAT GEO SURVEY SAY, PLAYER?

Rusty: IT AIN'T GOT NO SHALE.

JUST GRANITE BEDROCK UP IN THIS BITCH.

Sheriff: WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?

SORRY, LAW DOG.

I KNOW YOU WANT THIS, BUT NOT EVERYBODY CAN RIDE THE GRAVY

TRAIN.

WE GOTS TO BOUNCE.

Sheriff: WELL.

I-I WASN'T GONNA SAY NOTHING, BUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE IS

JUST BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT, AND SOMEBODY OUGHT TO TELL

SOMEBODY ABOUT THIS AND TELL THEM WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT OUR GRANDKIDS AND THEIR GRANDKIDS?

Rusty: SHERIFF, YOU AIN'T GOT NO KIDS.

Sheriff: CAUSE I'VE GOT SLUGGISH SPERM!

AND NOW THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, RUSTY.

HAVE A GOOD DAY, RAISIN SACK.

WE OUT.

PEACE!

Sheriff: I'M GLAD IT AIN'T ON MY LAND.

BECAUSE THESE FRACKING OUTFITS, THEY'RE JUST BAD FOR

MOTHER EARTH.

Early: WELL, MY SNAPBACK HERE TENDS TO DISAGREE.

Sheriff: WELL, YOUR HAT DOES MAKE A COMPELLING ARGUMENT,

EARLY.

I'M JUST SAYING, YOU GOT TO WEIGH THE PROS AND CONS HERE.

Early: GOOD -- FREE MONEY, FREE TRUCKS, FREE SUPERTRUCK TO

CRUSH MY FREE TRUCKS WITH. Granny: FREE NEW HAIR.

PUT THAT IN THERE.

Early: I'M GONNA SHOVE YOU IN THAT FRACK HOLE!

Granny: [ GRUNTS ] Early: FRACK YOU UP!

Sheriff: EARLY, THEY PUT TOXIC CHEMICALS IN THOSE HOLES.

HELL, IT'LL SET YOUR WELL WATER ON FIRE.

Early: SON OF A BITCH!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Sheriff: YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE I AM.

Early: FREE FIRE WATER! YEAH!

Sheriff: NO, THAT GOES IN THE BAD COLUMN, EARLY.

Early: I WILL FRY THEM CATFISH SUMBITCHES WHERE THEY

LIVE!

Sheriff: EARLY, I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR DRINKING WATER!

SEE, WHEN THEY GO DOWN IN THE GROUND FOR THAT GAS --

Early: GAS?

YOU MEAN INSIDE THE WORLD?

Sheriff: [ SIGHS ] YEAH, EARLY, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS

ALL ABOUT.

Early: FREE HUFF GAS ON MY LAND, TOO!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

THAT'S A BIG GOOD, BIG TIME, YEAH!

Granny: P-NUT'S A GOOD ITALIAN BOY.

I AIN'T HAVE NOBODY SAY NOTHING BAD ABOUT THE WOPS.

Sheriff: GRANNY, HE GETS YOUR SIGNATURE AND HE'S GONNA

LEAVE YOU WITH A BIG OL' STEAMING HOLE IN THE GROUND AND

JUST A FEW MILLION MEASLY DOLLARS FOR YOUR...TROUBLE.

I-I'M STILL GLAD THERE AIN'T NO GAS ON MY LAND, THOUGH.

Rusty: P-NUT?

Lil: MM.

GUESS IT'S YOUR TURN TO GET SCREWED.

I'M GONNA HOLLA AT YOU, BABY!

Lil: YEAH, WHATEVER.

Rusty: YO P-NUT! WAS UP, G?

WHAT YOU GOT THAT BIG BAG FOR?

I GOT TO GET ON, PLAYER!

MY CELLY'S BLOWING UP!

I GOT TO TAP-TAP-TAP THAT GAS IN SOUTH DAKOTA, SON!

Rusty: ALL RIGHT!

GOT TO DROP BY MY CRIB, GET MY NEW KICKS, AND THEN WE OUT!

WHOA, WHOA, RUZZY!

I GOTS TO FLY SOLO.

IT AIN'T NO TEAM SPORT.

BUT, MAN, I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU.

COME ON -- I GOT A GRENADE RIGHT HERE.

YOU GOT TO PULL THE PIN!

BLOW IT UP!

Rusty: DAMN IT. I KNEW IT!

YOU WASN'T REALLY MY BUD!

YOU WAS JUST USING ME TO GET THE GAS!

HAVE A GOOD LIFE, PAUL NEWBURG!

RUZZY, YOUR SNAPBACK!

LITTLE BROTHER!

RUZZY!

Rusty: THEY AIN'T GONNA GET NONE OF OUR GAS!

NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!

Early: ARE YOU OUT YOUR DAMN MIND?!

WE ABOUT TO BE STUFFED UP THE BUTT WITH GREEN LEAFY SPENDING

MONEY.

WE GONNA BE RICHER THAN HELL!

Granny: RUSTY, THEY'LL REPOSSESS MY HAIR!

WE DON'T WANT THAT, DO WE?

I ONLY GOT THREE MORE PAYMENTS ON THIS!

[ HORN HONKS ] Rusty: AIN'T NONE A Y'ALL

GONNA BE FRACKING THIS LAND!

NOT WHILE I LIVE AND BREATHE!

'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA -- WAIT, WHERE ARE THEY GOING?

Granny: PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE CHAINED YOURSELF TO THE FIELD

OVER THERE, NITWIT.

Early: THEY DON'T DRILL TREES, YOU DUMB CHUGNUT.

[ LAUGHS ] WE STILL GONNA BE RICH.

Rusty: OH CRAP!

DADDY!

DADDY, YOU GOT A KEY FOR THIS THING?

LET ME OUT!

HOLD UP, GUYS!

STOP THE DRILLING, Y'ALL!

STOP IT!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE, NEWBURG?

Y'ALL CAN'T BE DRILLING HERE WITHOUT NO LAND RIGHTS,

SON!

BUT YOU ALREADY SECURED THOSE.

RIGHT? WHOOPS. BA-BOOM!

Early: WHAT, WHAT? Granny: WHAT, WHAT?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I CAN'T BE LETTING NO ONE FRACK MY BACKYARD, PLAYBOY.

THIS IS MY HOME TURF, SON!

Rusty: DAMN STRAIGHT, P-NUT!

BA-BOOM! WHOO! YEAH!

NICE WORKING WITH YOU, YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH!

HELL, IT'S JUST A JOB.

MY ONLY JOB.

UGH.

I'M PROBABLY GONNA LOSE MY DAMN JOB.

Granny: LOOK OUT FOR THE RENT-A-HAIR TRUCK.

THEY USUALLY COME AT NIGHT.

THEY'RE ROUGH AS BASTARDS AND THEY MOVE LIKE CATS.

Rusty: WHY'D YOU DO IT, P-NUT?

I DIDN'T WANT YOU THINKING I WAS USING YOU, RUZZY.

Early: WE KNOWED YOU WAS USIN' US!

AND WE WAS OKAY WITH IT 'CAUSE WE WAS GONNA GET A BIG-ASS

PAYDAY OUT OF IT!

Lil: AND I WAS GONNA MILK YOUR FAT ASS FOR CHILD SUPPORT.

CHILD SUPPORT?

Y-YOU SAYING -- Lil: YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT!

I POKED A HOLE IN YOUR RUBBERS.

Granny: OH, YOU DID, TOO?

Early: I DONE IT TOO!

GUILTY.

Rusty: AN I SCRAPED SEMEN OFF YOUR HOTEL SHEETS AND PUT IT

IN AUNT LIL'S BABY BUCKET WITH A FINGER --

Lil: WHOA-HO-HO! HEY!

SHH! THAT'S BETWEEN US!

Early: WELCOME TO THE FAMILY, P-NUT!

WE HAPPY TO HAVE YOU.

OH, DAMN IT.

FOR RICHER OR POORER?

MOST LIKELY POORER SINCE YOU DECIDED TO RIP UP THE

GAS-DRILLING RIGHTS FOR EVERYONE IN THIS TOWN!

I TAKE HER, OKAY, REVEREND?

I DO!

GET ON WITH THIS DAMN THING.

SUPER.

I BEGRUDGINGLY PRONOUNCE YOU MR. AND MRS. PAUL "P-NUT"

NEWBURG.

EH, YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

WHO THREW THE EGG?

OH, I'M SORRY.

AIN'T THAT THE TRADITION?

IT'S RICE, PLAYER! RICE!

MAYBE IT OUGHT TO BE A BRICK!

HEY! HEY!

LET'S THROW THESE BIG RED BOOKS AT HIM!

[ GRUNTS ] OW! WAIT, Y'ALL!

PLEASE! PLEASE!

DON'T LASH OUT AGAINST YOUR BROTHER WITH PHYSICAL VIOLENCE!

THAT'S RIGHT!

LISTEN TO HIM.

RATHER, LET US PRAY THAT JESUS WILL SMITE HIM BY WAY OF

THE BALL CANCER OR FLESH-EATING VIRUS.

FATHER LORD JESUS, PLEASE MAKE THIS SON OF A BITCH SUFFER.

WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE WHILE THEIR EYES ARE CLOSED.

Early: OPEN UP, YOU BEARDED OLD BILLY GOAT!

COME ON! IT'S PAYDAY!

[ BELL JINGLES ] THERE YOU GO. HAVE AT IT.

[ CASH REGISTER DINGS ] Early: WHAT THE...

AIN'T NOTHING IN HERE!

I KNOW, YOU DAMNED SON OF A BITCH.

I BURNED IT ALL IN A RIDICULOUS DISPLAY OF HOW RICH I THOUGHT I

WAS GONNA BE WHEN THAT FRACKING CASH ROLLED IN.

Early: COME ON, BOYD! DAMN!

I GOT MY MOUTH TO FEED!

YOU AIN'T WELCOME TO ROB MY STORE NO MORE UNTIL YOU GET THAT

NEW BROTHER-IN-LAW OF YOUIN BACK ON THE PROGRAM!

GET US SOME OF THAT DAMN FRACKING MONEY!

I KNOW THEY'RE MAD AT ME NOW, BUT IN THE LONG RUN THEY'RE

GONNA THANK ME.

I MEAN, IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME, ALL THESE FISH WOULD BE DEAD.

Lil: YEAH, YEAH.

NATURE'S THE TITS AND ALL, BUT AIN'T YOU GOT A CONDO IN THE

CITY?

I MEAN, YOU SAID YOU HAD A POOL AND AN INDOOR CRAPPER.

COME ON! LET'S LIVE THERE.

NO, BABY.

WE CAN'T RAISE OUR...

[ CHUCKLES ] ...WHATEVER THE HELL IS IN YOUR

BELLY IN THE CITY.

THAT GODFORSAKEN MONSTER NEEDS TO RUN AND PLAY OUT HERE IN THE

SUNSHINE.

Lil: I AIN'T WORKIN' NO MORE.

I GAVE NOTICE. OH.

Y-YOU HAD A CAREER, HUH?

Lil: YEAH!

I JERKED DUDES OFF FOR MONEY BEHIND THE BOW MART.

I TOLD YOU THAT.

[ GURGLING ] [ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW, I-I-I FEEL LIKE WE MIGHT HAVE RUSHED INTO THIS A

LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW?

Lil: SECOND TRIMESTER, BABY!

CAN'T TOUCH IT NOW!

HA, HA!

I BEEN GESTATING THE HELL OUT OF THIS MOTHER FUCKER

WHOO!

[ LAUGHS ] DO THE RIGHT THING P-NUT.

YOU MADE YOUR BED.

YOU AIN'T GOT TO WORRY 'BOUT MONEY.

I GOT A WAD OF CASH SAVED UP AND A SOLID BUSINESS PLAN.

WHAT, WHAT!

Lil: WHAT IS IT?

YOU HEARD OF FRO-YO, RIGHT?

WELL THIS IS HO-YO!

HOT YOGURT! WHAT, WHAT!

EVERYBODY BE DOING FRO-YO, BUT P-NUT ZIGS WHERE THE FOOLS BE

ZAGGING.

PLUS, I SAVE ON REFRIGERATION CAUSE THERE AIN'T NO POWER UP

IN THIS BITCH.

Rusty: WHAT, WHAT! GET SOME OF THIS SON!

TOSS IT UP!

Rusty: MMM!

[ COUGHS ] [ SNIFFLES ]

IT'S GOOD. YEAH.

THAT'S SOME SCRIMP COCKTAIL FLAVOR RIGHT THERE.

YOU WANT SOME CLAMS CASINO OR LOBSTER BISQUESES?

Rusty: NO, THAT'S PLENTY.

Lil: HOT...SEAFOOD-FLAVORED YOGURT?

YEAH, YEAH!

THIS IS THE FUTURE, BOO!

SEAFOOD HO-YO IN THE HOUSE!

DOUGAL COUNTY, WHAT, WHAT?

[ Crying ] MY HO-YO STAND!

Granny: LORDY, LORDY.

I GUESS THAT HO-YO GOT TOO HOT FOR SOME FOLKS ROUND HERE.

Early: LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S TRYIN' TO SEND YOU A MESSAGE,

LITTLE FELLER.

WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

Early: IT'S SUPPOSED TO SAY "YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO"

THERE TO FRACKING OUR LAND!" TOWN PEOPLE -- THEY DON'T SPELL

TOO GOOD WHEN THEY RED-HOT AND PISSIFIED OFF AT YOU!

I AIN'T GOING BACK TO FRACKING.

I WON'T DO IT! IT'S WRONG!

Early: FINE!

I'LL GET THE DAMN GAS OUT THE GROUND.

YOU JUST SEE.

DAMN DINOSAURS.

A-BURYIN' THEIR KIN SO DAMN DEEP.

Granny: WAIT, WHAT'S THAT THERE?

OH, IT'S BUBBLING! IT'S COMING UP!

Early: HELL YEAH! IT'S BUBBLIN'! COME ON!

Granny: KEEP DIGGIN'!

WE'RE RICH, BITCHES!

WE'S RICH NOW.

Early: NO HARD FEELINGS, P-NUT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE FAMILY NOW.

SO IMMA SHOW YOU WHAT KIND OF FELLER I AM.

YOU GETTIN' LESS THAN THE REST OF US CAUSE, UH, YOU DOUBTED ME.

[ SNIFFS, GROANS ] THIS DON'T SMELL LIKE GAS,

E-DAWG. Early: HELL, I KNOW THAT.

THAT'S DINOSAUR JUICE!

I MEAN, THEY SCIENTIFIFY REFINE IT AND, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE WITH

THE SCIENCE CHEMICALS AND ALL AND THEN, UH, THEY SCIENCE MAKES

IT COME OUT AS GAS.

'PRECIATE YOU E-DAWG, BUT, UH, Y'ALL CAN KEEP YOUR SACK

FULL OF TURDS.

Lil: WE DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY.

CAUSE MY MAN P-NUT HAS GOT HIM A JOB INTERVIEW UP IN TOWN!

[ LAUGHS ] Dan Halen: WHAT DO YOU SEE

AS YOUR STRENGTHS?

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I'M A PEOPLE-PERSON --

Dan Halen: NOW YOU LISTEN TO MY STRENGTHS NOW!

I HAVE MASSIVE WEALTH, ROGUISH GOOD LOOKS, UNYIELDING POWER,

AND OVERWHELMING HUMILITY!

SO HOW IS IT THAT YOU, THE RUBE WHISPERER, ARE ABLE TO WRAP THIS

WHOLE TOWN AROUND YOUR FAT FINGER WITH JUST A FEW

CATCH PHRASES, A CORN DOG PROJECTILE, AND A SMILE?

YOU JUST GOT TO TRY TO CONNECT WITH 'EM.

Dan Halen: I'M ALREADY CONNECTED WITH THEM!

THROUGH SURVEILLANCE!

BUT THEY'RE SO BORING TO WATCH!

NO, MAN.

YOU GOT TO GET WITH THEM ON A PERSONAL LEVEL, DAWG.

Dan Halen: HAND OVER THE TECHNIQUE.

I'LL PAY YOU A KING'S RANSOM.

IT AIN'T REALLY SOMETHING YOU BUY.

Dan Halen: THEN I'LL HAVE IT BEATEN FROM YOU.

[ BEEP ] PAGING THE BEATERS.

BEATERS TO DAN HALEN'S OFFICE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

WE AIN'T GOT TO DO THAT!

I'M SURE I CAN PROBABLY TEACH YOU SOME SOCIAL GAME, YOU KNOW,

GET YOU STRAIGHTENED UP AND EVERYTHIN', BALLIN' WITH PEOPLE,

YA FEEL ME?

Dan Halen: I DO...FEEL YOU.

GIVE ME SOME MORE STREET GIBBERISH THAT I MIGHT USE TO

LULL THESE CORN-SYRUP ENTHUSIASTS INTO A FALSE SENSE

OF SOLIDARITY.

[ RAP MUSIC PLAYS ] [ DOORBELL RINGS ]

YOLO, GLENN. AND WIFE.

YOU'RE STRAIGHT UP BALLING WITH YOUR BITCH, I SEE.

WHAT UP, GLENN? WHAT UP?

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK, RIGHT?

UHH, IT'S SATURDAY, RIGHT?

Dan Halen: NO, DAWG, NO.

YOU'RE ENTIRELY CORRECT TO BE STONE-COLD CHILLING IN YOUR CRIB

AT THIS TIME.

YOLO.

I DON'T, UH...I DON'T -- Dan Halen: SWAG.

WHAT, UH, WHAT -- WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

Dan Halen: FREE BARBECUE RIBS, GLENN.

YOLO.

GONNA MAKE IT RAIN RIBS UP IN HERE, YOLO.

NO! OH!

OH, MY CHEST!

OH, MY GOD! GLENN!

Dan Halen: PERHAPS THOSE RIBS COULD HAVE BEEN DEBONED, BUT NO

MATTER. SIGN THIS, NEXT-OF-KIN!

CALL 911.

Dan Halen: OR YOU, TOO, WILL BE RIBBED FOR MY PLEASURE!

FOOL, DID YOU NOT READ THE CLAUSE ON PAGE 19?

Early: MMM.

WELL, HE SUMMULIZED IT FOR US.

MAD FAT STACKS. YOLO.

GETTIN' PAID. BARBECUE GUN.

ALL THAT.

THIS SAYS DAN HALEN CAN DRILL HERE IN PERPETUITY.

Early: THAT VINEGAR SAUCE STINGS.

AND HE AIN'T GOT TO PAY YOUR DUMB ASS ONE THIN DIME.

Granny: WAIT A MINUTE!

WHAT, WHAT? Rusty: WHAT, WHAT?

Early: WELL, GOOD LUCK THEN.

'CAUSE LOOK WHAT I DONE.

RIPPED UP THE DAMN DRILLIN' RIGHTS.

JUST LIKE YOU DONE.

IT DON'T WORK THAT WAY.

THEY'VE GOT COPIES.

Early: COPIES?

THEY CAN DO THAT?

YOU JUST RIPPED UP YOUR COPY, DUMB ASS.

Early: DAMN INTERNET!

THANKS A LOT, OBAMA!

Granny: MMM.

WHY IN THE HELL...

MMM.

...DIDN'T YOU DO NOTHIN' TO STOP THIS, P-NUT?

DAMN IT!

I'VE TRIED TO SAVE YOUR ASSES.

Early: Y'ALL CALM DOWN, NOW.

I HAVE A PLAN.

YOU CAN'T PUT DYNAMITE IN DAN HALEN'S BUTT HOLE.

Early: WHY THE HELL NOT?

IT'S NOT LEGAL OR PRACTICAL, OR PROBABLY EVEN POSSIBLE.

Early: NAW, HE DONE GOT HIM A BUTT HOLE.

I SEEN IT.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Early: WELL, THEN, YOU THEN YOU COME UP WITH A DAMN IDEAR!

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME OLD LAW ON THE BOOKS OR SOME ANIMAL

WE GOT TO PROTECT OR SOMETHING, RIGHT?

GREENPEACE USED TO NAIL OUR ASSES WITH THIS ALL THE TIME.

Rusty: HERE'S SOMETHING.

"THE RED-WHISKER SHALEAMANDER."

THIS ORNERY, BEARDED REPTILE WAS SAID TO LURK BELOW THE

NORTH GEORGIA MOUNTAINS.

CHILDREN WERE TOLD THAT IF THEY DIDN'T FINISH THEIR OKRA, HE'D

"CLIMB OUT OF THE EARTH AND UN-DARN ALL THEIR SOCKS."

SOUNDS LIKE A FAIRY TALE, RUZZY.

Sheriff: NUH-UH! UNH-UNH! THAT'S REAL!

MY MAMA TOLD ME ABOUT THAT!

HOW ABOUT THAT WE JUST TELL DAN HALEN IT'S A WILDLIFE REFUGE

FOR THE RED-WHISKER SHALEAMANDER, AND HE WON'T BE

ABLE TO DRILL!

Rusty: YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS GONNA WORK?

HELL YES, IT'S GONNA WORK.

WHAT, WHAT!

Dan Halen: YOUR MORONIC RUSE DOES NOT WORK!

Sheriff: Y'ALL, IT DIDN'T WORK.

DAMN IT.

Dan Halen: BRING IN THE DRILL!

Rusty: HOLD ON, Y'ALL!

WAIT A MINUTE NOW!

I MEAN, WHAT IF WE ANGER THE SHALEAMANDER?

Dan Halen: HE'LL WHAT?

UN-DARN MY SOCKS?

I DON'T WEAR SHOES, MOTHER FUCKER TONIGHT WE DINE ON MONEY!

[ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ] [ GRINDING, CRUNCHING ]

WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?

COMMENCE WITH THE FRACKING AS ORDERED!

OH, HELL NO!

Rusty: WHAT THE HELL?

THAT THING'S FOR REAL? Dan Halen: SHOOT HIM!

SHOOT HIM, SHERIFF!

SHOOT HIM AT ONCE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Sheriff: HE KNOWS I DIDN'T EAT MY OKRA!

MAC AND CHEESE SHOULD COUNT AS A VEGETABLE.

HELL, IT'S LISTED AS A SIDE!

[ TIRES SQUEAL ] Early: MY CRIB!

Granny: OHH!

Rusty: GRANNY! GRANNY! NO!

[ GUNSHOT ] Granny: WAIT, NO!

DON'T SHOOT!

[ GUNSHOT ] NOBODY SHOOT!

I THINK THIS -- THIS SAVAGE CRITTER...

[ PURRS ] Granny: SEES A LOVE IN ME

THAT ONLY EXISTS -- [ SNORTING, CHEWING ]

Early: THAT'S IT!

KEEP HIM BUSY WITH YOUR CHEWINESS!

Rusty: P-NUT! NO!

DID YOU ET YOUR OKRAS!

YEAH, DOC. YEAH, YEAH.

DON'T YOU LIE TO ME!

I LOVE IT, TOO. IT'S GOOD.

WITH THE CORNMEAL AND -- LET ME SMELL YOUR BREATH!

EASY. I JUST HAD A MINT.

SO IT'S GONNA SWITCH UP THE FLAVOR, OKAY?

[ EXHALES ] [ SNIFFS DEEPLY ]

YOU DIDN'T ET NO OKRAS, DID YA?

WAIT!

OKRAS GOOD FOR YOU!

WHAT WHA...

Lil: BABY, NOOOO!

Rusty: P-NUT!

[ BOTH SOBBING ] Dan Halen: OKAY.

SO...WE GOOD HERE?

RECOMMENCE THE FRACKING!

Rusty: [ SNIFFLES ] Early: WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY?

P-NUT SHOULD HAVE ET HIS OKRA, YOU KNOW.

Rusty: I THOUGHT THE SHALEAMANDER ONLY UN-DARNS YOUR

SOCKS.

Early: HE ALSO UN-DARNS YOUR INTESTINES, NERVE BUNDLES,

WIGGLY BRAIN MATTER.

YEAH, THEY DON'T MENTION THAT IN THE POP-UP BOOK, DO THEY?

Rusty: IMMA POUR ONE OUT FOR MY HOMEBOY P-NUT.

Early: DON'T YOU POUR NOTHING ON THAT GAS!

YOU'RE GONNA BE CONTAMMULIZIN' THAT SUMBITCH!

Rusty: DADDY, DAN HALEN GOT ALL THE GAS, AND YOU DIDN'T GET

JACK-SQUAT.

Early: THEN HOW COME I GOT THIS HERE MONEY-CHECK IN MY HAND

IN THE MAIL?

Lil: THAT'S MINE.

P-NUT HAD AN INSURANCE POLICY ON THE HO-YO STAND.

Early: WE ALL FAMILY HERE, LIL, SO WE GONNA SPLIT IT EQUAL

LIKE.

Rusty: NO, DADDY, DON'T SPLIT IT EQUAL!

Early: GRAB YOUR SHARE NOW, 'CAUSE WE RICHER THAN HELL,

BABY!

GOIN' ABOUT MY BUSINESS EVERYDAY.

YOU KNOW I BE ABOUT MY BUSINESS EVERYWAY.

YOU KNOW I BE ABOUT MY BUSINESS ALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW I BE ABOUT MY BUSINESS.

I GET A HEALTHY PERDIEM WHEN MY SUPERVISOR

SEE'S THAT I AM EXCEEDING QUOTAS

LIKE EVERY DAMN DAY.

GET YOUR CONTRACT SIGNED AND YOUR WHOLE TOWN IS MINE

BUYNG LAND, GETTING HO'S WHAT WHAT