Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND

BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD

JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO

HIS KINGDOM ♪

YEAH!

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

♪ LET HIM GO ♪

>> Rusty: MY TURN. >> Early: HELL NO.

>> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

>> [ HUMMING ]

>> Early: OOH, YEAH.

>> WHAT'S THAT?

COME ON, NOW.

PUT ON THESE HERE EDIBLES.

>> AAH!

>> Early: AW, COME ON, GLENN'S

WIFE.

BE A PROFESSIONAL, NOW.

I'M SORRY, BUT THEM DAMN GRANNY

PANTIES JUST WEREN'T GONNA DO IT

FOR ME.

DOUG WILL GET IT.

>> Sheriff: THE THING IS, EARLY,

DOUG AIN'T THE JUDGE HERE NO

MORE.

HE'S BEEN FORCED OFF THE BENCH.

>> Early: WHAT THE HELL?!

BUT DOUG WAS SO CHILL -- ALWAYS

FORGIVIN' AND FORGETTIN'. >> Sheriff: WELL, IT WAS

ACTUALLY THAT FORGETTING PART HE

GOT HIM IN TROUBLE.

IT'S CALLED DEMENTIA.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE ANY IDEA WHO

YOU WERE, WHAT YOU WAS UP TO --

[ DOOR OPENS ]

OOH. [ CLEARS THROAT ]

ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE

QUINTAVIOUS JAMMER.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

NO, NO -- THE OTHER ONE.

>> Sheriff: OH, OKAY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

"GET THEM ASSES OFF UP THEM

PEWS.

GET THEM ASSES UP, GIRL.

GET 'EM UP.

PUT THEM DAMN HANDS TOGETHER AND

MAKE A CLAMOR FOR

JUDGE QUINTAVIOUS "THE HAMMER"

JAMMER-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!" [ APPLAUSE ]

>> OOH, YEAH! [ CHUCKLES ]

KEEP THAT JAMMER CLAMOR GOING!

>> Early: WHOO!

>> ALL RIGHT, NO MORE JAMMER

CLAMOR.

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

WHOO-WHEE!

SOMEBODY BEEN CREEPING AROUND

BEING SNEAKY AND FREAKY AND

TAKING A PEAKY.

>> Early: YOUR HONOR, ALL I WAS

TRYING TO DO WAS SIMPLY SPICE UP

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GLENN'S

WIFE.

THIS HERE VIDEO WILL SHOW -- OH,

LOOKY HERE. IT'S BROKE.

CASE CLOSED. CASE DISMISSED.

Y'ALL SUMBITCHES AIN'T GOT

NOTHING ON ME!

>> I FIND YOU GUILTY AS CHARGED.

>> Early: FINE, PUT ME IN JAIL.

I CAN DO THE TIME STANDING ON MY

HEAD.

>> Sheriff: WHAT YOU WANT ON THAT PIZZA, EARLY?

>> Early: DOUBLE CHEESE,

SAUSAGE, AND, UH, THEM CHEESY

BREADS, TOO.

>> NO, SIR!

I'M NOT ALLOWING THE TAXPAYERS

TO FOOT THE BILL FOR YOUR EVIL,

EVIL WAYS -- NOT THIS TIME.

IT WON'T BE NO MEAT-LOVER'S.

WON'T BE NO DOUBLE-CHEESE.

IT WON'T BE NO CHEESY BREAD.

OH, I GOT SOME FOR YO ASS.

IT'S ABOUT TO BE ON.

>> Early: [ GULPS ]

[ BELL RINGING ]

"HEAR YE, HEAR YE.

I REGARD WOMEN'S BEHINDS AND

BOOBIES MORE THAN I REGARD THEIR

RIGHT TO PRIVACY," BECAUSE I'M A

RED-BLOODED AMERICAN MALE, AND I

GOT NEEDS, DAMN IT!

HELL, SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN

FLATTERED I TOOK INTEREST

ANYHOW. >> Sheriff: EARLY, LET'S STAY

WITH THE COURT-APPOINTED TEXT.

>> Early: WHY I GOT TO SAY ALL

THIS?

EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M A DIRTY-ASS DOG.

IT'S MY THANG. >> Sheriff: WELL, JUDGE JAMMER

WANTS YOU TO FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT

WHAT YOU DONE.

THAT'S WHY HE GIVES OUT THESE

UNCONVENTIONAL SENTENCES.

I ALSO THINK HE KIND OF GETS OFF

ON SHAMING FOLK.

EARLY?

"HEAR YE, HEAR YE.

I'M INTO BEIN' SHAMED."

>> WELL, I'M A "HARLOT WITH LOW

SELF-ESTEEM WHO DEGRADES HERSELF

FOR MONEY."

>> Early: HELL YEAH, BABY. I CAN READ.

OOH, YEAH!

OOH, YEAH, BABY!

>> Sheriff: EARLY? DARLA?

>> Early: [ MOANS ] >> Sheriff: Y'ALL SUPPOSED TO BE

DOING THIS IN THE MIDDLE OF

DOWNTOWN.

>> Early: WHAT, THIS?

>> Sheriff: NO, NOT THAT.

THAT SHAME STUFF.

>> Early: I'M CURED NOW.

NOW, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY DAMN

WAY, 'CAUSE I'M DRUNK AND PISSED

AND NAKED, AND I'M DRIVING HOME.

[ ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL ]

[ ALL GASP ]

>> [ BANGS GAVEL ]

WETTIN' YOUR WHISTLE?

LAUNCHIN' YOUR MISSILE INTO A

PROSTITUTE'S GRISTLE?

DAMN, BOY!

WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY FOR

YOURSELF?

>> Early: [ SNIFFLES ]

I'M SORRY, JUDGE, BUT [SNIFFLES]

I FOUND JESUS. >> THE HELL YOU DID!

JESUS WOULDN'T BE A PART OF THIS

SIN AND DEFILITY.

>> Early: UH, PERMISSION TO

APPROACH THE BITCH?

[ LAUGHS ] I SAID "BITCH"!

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> Early: AW, HELL, HE DON'T GET

IT. >> YOU'RE DAMN LUCKY SOMEBODY

WASN'T KILLED HERE.

BUT WE'RE STILL GONNA HAVE A

FUNERAL.

OH, YES, SIR.

YES, SIR, WE ARE.

[ SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Early: GOODBYE, PARTY LIQUOR.

[ LIQUID POURS ]

MAY THE FLOWERS ON THIS GRAVE BE

FOREVER GETTIN' SIDEWAYS

TONIGHT.

BY ALL 180 PROOF OF YOURS.

GOODBYE, METHAMPHETAMINE

PUFFERY. WHEN I WAS FEELING DOWN AND

DEPRESSED, YOUR FUMES ALWAYS

LIFTED ME UP AND FREED ME OF MY

WORRIES, MY DIGNITY, AND MOST OF

WHAT WAS IN MY BOWELS.

>> Sheriff: EARLY! [ GRUNTS ]

>> Early: I GOT TO HAVE ME SOME

METH!

THAT DARN PUBLIC TALKIN' MAKES ME NERVOUS.

>> Sheriff: GO AHEAD, EARLY.

PUSH THE WHOLE METH LAB IN

THERE. >> Early: [ GRUNTS ]

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST PUT ME IN

JAIL? I MEAN, Y'ALL GOT FREE PIZZA

PIES IN THERE. >> Sheriff: NOW TOSS IN YOUR

TRUCK KEYS.

JUDGE JAMMER DON'T WANT YOU ON

THE ROAD. >> Early: UGH.

DAMN.

>> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ]

THOSE WERE MY KEYS, WEREN'T

THEY?

>> Early: I RECKON THEY WAS.

>> Rusty: WHOO-HOO! WE GOT US A FREE COFFEE TABLE,

Y'ALL!

HOT DAMN!

>> Sheriff: IT'S A COFFIN.

SEE?

>> I JUST WANTED ONE MORE...

FOR THE ROAD.

>> Sheriff: JUDGE ORDERED Y'ALL

TO KEEP IT IN HERE FOR FIVE

YEARS AS A REMINDER THAT

DRINKING AND DRUGGING AND

DRIVING LEAD TO DYING.

>> Early: PRETTY SOON, YOU'LL BE

SAYIN' HUFFIN'S PART OF THE DAMN

DEAL, WON'T YOU?

>> Sheriff: SORRY, BUD. >> Early: [ GRUNTS ]

>> Sheriff: GIVE ME.

>> Early: FINE, THEN!

BUT MARK MY WORDS -- THIS ENDS

TODAY.

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

TODAY!

>> Sheriff: HMM. THAT'S OMINOUS.

>> Early: UH, I-- IS THE JUDGE

IN? [ HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING ]

OH, THAT'S MY READING GLASSES.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I CAN'T SEE A DURN THING WITHOUT

THEM.

UH, SAY, IS THE JUDGE IN?

[ BEEPING RESUMES ]

>> HOW ABOUT YOU HOP IN THE

X-RAY BIN, PLEASE?

>> Early: [ GRUNTS ]

IS THE JUDGE IN?

WHAT TIME DOES JUDGE GET HERE?

I-I JUST WANT TO TALK TO HIM?

[ GROANS ]

>> SON, DO YOU REALIZE I COULD

PUT YOU AWAY FOR THIS?

>> Early: YOU COULD?

WOULD YOU CONSIDER DOING THAT?

I MEAN, Y'ALL GOT THE FREE PIZZA

PIES AND ALL.

I MEAN, THAT THERE WILL TEACH

ME.

>> YOU LOVES YOU SOME PIZZA,

DON'T YOU?

>> Early: YES, SIR, I DO.

>> AND YOU GOT THE PROCLIVITY

FOR STUFFING ITEMS UP INSIDE

YOUR BUNGHOLE, DON'T YOU?

>> Early: WELL, WHERE ARE YOU

GOING WITH THIS?

AAH!

DAMN, THAT'S HOT!

BLOW ON IT! >> Rusty: I'M SORRY, DADDY.

>> Early: [ GROANS ] >> Rusty: THAT JUDGE SAYS IT'S

GOT TO BE PIPIN' HOT.

>> Early: DAMN!

IT'S GONNA BURN THE SKIN OFF THE

ROOF OF MY BUTT. >> Rusty: ALL RIGHT, NOW.

THE JUDGE SAID I GOT TO ADD THE WILD BOY BREAD.

>> Early: WHY THE HELL IS THIS

HAPPENING TO ME?!

>> Rusty: WELL, WHY IS IT HAPPENING TO ME?

THAT'S MY QUESTION. >> Early: OOH!

>> Rusty: WHERE'S THE DAMN

SHERIFF?

>> Sheriff: "HEAR YE, HEAR YE.

INSTEAD OF STOPPING A ROBBERY IN

PROGRESS, I WAS CHANGING MY

PROFILE PIC TO A KITTY DRESSED

AS A JEDI.

I'M A SORRY EXCUSE FOR A

LAWMAN." >> Early: UNH-UNH.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THAT

IN THE CENTER OF TOWN, HOSS --

IN FRONT OF THE LORD AND

EVERYBODY.

>> Sheriff: YEAH, WELL, THERE'S SO MANY PUNISHMENTS GOING ON

DOWNTOWN THAT THEY GOT TO SPREAD

US OUT.

[ BELLS RINGING ]

>> "HEAR YE, HEAR YE."

I WAS ONLY TRYING TO SPICE UP MY

MARRIAGE.

>> I DIDN'T EVEN REALLY WANT TO

DO IT.

>> ALL I DID WAS PARK IN A

HANDICAPPED SPACE WITHOUT A

PERMIT! THIS WAS THE ONLY SIGN THEY HAD

LEFT.

>> FOOT-LONG HOAGIE, $6.99, WITH

YOUR CHOICE OF CHIPS AND DRINK.

>> YEAH, LET'S DO THIS

MEATBALL-HOAGIE DEAL ANOTHER

DAY. I THINK WE'RE GETTING LOST IN

THE SHUFFLE HERE.

>> Sheriff: THAT JUDGE JAMMER'S

GOT A BEE IN HIS BONNET.

THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE.

>> Granny: "HEAR YE, HEAR YE.

I LIKE TO PEEP ME SOME WOMEN

WHILE THEY'S TRYING ON

BRASSIERES AT THE BALL MART!"

>> Early: AW, HELL, GRANNY.

I TOLD YOU I HAD VIDEO OF IT.

>> Granny: WELL, YOU PRATTLED ON

ABOUT IT SO MUCH, I FIGURED I'LL

GIVE IT A WHIRL.

>> Sheriff: I HATE TO SAY IT,

BUT SOMETHING'S GOT TO BE DONE

ABOUT JUDGE JAMMER.

IF HE'S GONNA SHAME US, WE'RE

GONNA HAVE TO SHAME HIM.

>> Early: NOW, I'VE ALWAYS HEARD

THAT A GOOD WAY TO GET A JUDGE

OUT OF OFFICE IS TO CATCH HIM IN

BED WITH A DEAD WOMAN OR A LIVE

BOY.

[ GUN COCKS ]

Y'ALL WORK IT OUT AMONGST

YOURSELVES.

>> Granny: THE HELL YOU DOING,

LITTLE BOY?

>> Rusty: OH, COME ON, GRANNY.

YOU'VE LIVED SUCH A LONG AND

RICH LIFE.

>> Granny: AND THERE'S PLENTY

DAMN MORE LEFT IN THE TANK!

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS LAY DOWN

NAKED WITH THE MAN FOR A FEW

PHOTOS...

MAYBE A LITTLE ASS PLAY.

>> Rusty: OH, THE HELL YOU SAY!

>> Granny: THE HELL YOU SAY!

GIVE ME THAT THING!

>> Sheriff: WHEN I SAID SHAME, EARLY, I-I WAS THINKING MORE

LIKE WE'D JUST GET AHOLD OF HIS

TAX RECORDS OR SOMETHING.

[ CHUCKLES ] MAYBE GET HIS

HIGH-SCHOOL-YEARBOOK PHOTO AND

PUT IT UP ON A BIG OLD

BILLBOARD. [ GUNSHOT, THUDDING ]

>> Early: WELL, SOUNDS LIKE

SOMEBODY'S HASHED OUT A

COMPROMISE.

>> Granny: SAY...YOU'LL...DO IT!

>> Rusty: I'LL DO IT! >> Granny: [ SIGHS ]

THAT'S MY LITTLE BITCH.

>> Early: ALL RIGHT, DISROBE

YOURSELF.

NOW, WE'RE GONNA SNEAK UP IN HIS

BEDROOM, AND YOU GET IN CLOSE TO

HIM, WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND HIM.

WE'RE GONNA SNAP A FEW SHOTS,

AND WE OUT.

MIGHT BE A LITTLE ASS PLAY.

>> Rusty: DAMN IT, I KNOW! I KNOW!

>> Early: Shh! [ GRUNTS ]

>> Rusty: HOLD ON! [ ALARM BLARES ]

DAMN, DADDY! >> Early: STOP BITCHING AND OPEN

THE DOOR. I AIN'T GOING THROUGH NO DAMN

PLATE GLASS.

[ BEEPING ]

>> WHAT THE HELL? HOLD ON.

FEATHERS DOWN.

WHO DARES ENTER THE SACRED REALM

OF THE

NAKED-TICKLE-PARTY/POTLUCK

FUNDRAISER FOR CYSTIC FIBROSIS?

SHOW THYSELF!

>> Sheriff: UH, I DIDN'T SEE

NOTHING. IT'S JUST ME, JUDGE JAMMER.

>> WHOA! THERE'S NO JUDGE JAMMER HERE.

HE-- HE'S MOVED.

UH, HE'S RENTING THIS PLACE OUT

FOR THIS, UH...

>> [ Muffled ] IT'S A

FANTASY-FOOTBALL DRAFT.

>> YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT IS -- A

FANTASY-FOOTBALL DRAFT. I'LL TAKE ICKEY WOODS.

[ CHUCKLES ] GIVE ME ICKEY WOODS.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ] >> Early: THERE YOU GO.

>> HOLD -- HOLD ON. NO!

NOBODY SAID NOTHING ABOUT

CAMERAS!

>> WELL, WE BETTER GET GOING.

>> Dan Halen: YEAH, I'VE GOT TO

GET GOING, AS WELL -- HYAH!

>> [ WHINNIES ]

>> DON'T GO! >> Rusty: I STILL GOT TO TOUCH

HIS BUTT? [ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> Early: YEAH, LET'S GET A COUPLE JUST TO BE SAFE.

>> ARREST HIM, SHERIFF.

HE'S BREAKING AND ENTERING.

>> Sheriff: WELL, I'M AN UNFIT

LAWMAN, THOUGH, REMEMBER?

MMM. IS THIS MEATLESS?

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ] >> [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

THERE'S GOT TO BE A WAY WE CAN

WORK THIS OUT, HUH?

>> Sheriff: [ BANGS GAVEL ]

ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE

JUDGE DOUGLAS PEPPERS.

WELCOME BACK, DOUG.

>> WHO'S DOUG?

>> Sheriff: UH, THAT'S YOU.

>> Early: DOUG! MY MAN!

WELCOME BACK, HOSS!

>> DOUG, WELCOME BACK.

>> Sheriff: LET ME JUST FLIP

THIS NAMEPLATE AROUND FOR YOU.

>> OH, THANK YOU, DOUG.

[ GAVEL BANGING ]

WHAT SONG IS THIS?

[ BANGING CONTINUES ]

>> Sheriff: YOU CAN PROBABLY

JUST GO HOME, EARLY.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> NOW THE DRUM SOLO!