Original subtitles

[ STATIC ] [ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

♪ WHEN I GO Rusty: MY TURN.

Early: HELL NO.

Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

Sheriff: I SURE APPRECIATE Y'ALL DISPLAYING MY ELECTION

SIGNS, GRANNY.

HELL, THOSE ARE ALL OF MY ELECTION SIGNS UP THERE, AREN'T

THEY?

Granny: WE'RE HAPPY TO HELP.

RUSTY, MAKE SURE TO COVER THAT SKYLIGHT!

IT'S GETTING AN ASSLOAD OF RAIN ALL THROUGH THERE.

Sheriff: HELL, I WAS GONNA PUT SOME UP IN TOWN, BUT I GUESS

FOLKS COULD COME BY HERE AND READ --

Granny: NO ONE SETS FOOT ON THIS LAND!

Sheriff: OH, OKAY!

I COULD JUST WALK AROUND TOWN AND SPREAD THE WORD VERBALLY.

EITHER WAY, THOUGH, I'VE GOT TO CAMPAIGN.

TWO YEARS AGO, I JUST BARELY BEAT OUT THE WRITE-IN CANDIDATE

"SHERIFF GOBBLES HIS OWN FARTS."

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHERE WE'D BE IF HE'D WON?

Granny: RUSTY, SHORE UP THE NORTH WALL OF THE DETACHED

APARTMENT.

A LOT OF WIND GETS THROUGH THAT PEEPHOLE.

Rusty: FAIRLY TOUGH.

I GUESS YOU SORTA TOUGH.

SORTA.

Sheriff: NO, NO.

"FAIRLY" IN THE SENSE THAT I AM TOUGH, BUT I DO IT FAIRLY.

FAIRLY TOUGH.

NOT "FAIRLY" IN THE SENSE OF "KIND OF" OR "SOMEWHAT."

THAT WOULD BE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE MESSAGE I'M TRYING TO DO

HERE.

Rusty: YOU CALL THESE THING DOORKNOB FLIERS?

AIN'T YOU GOT SOME OF THAT THICK CARD STOCK LIKE THE DENNY ONES?

Sheriff: DENNY ONES?

Granny: YEAH, THESE SHERIFF ONES ARE TOO FLIPPY-FLOPPY, JUST

LIKE YOUR STANCE ON CRIME, ACCORDING TO DENNY.

Sheriff: WHAT THE HECK?

PARDON MY FRENCH, GRANNY.

WHAT THE HECK?

PARDON MY FRENCH, DENNY, BUT THIS IS MY CAREER.

I'M-A MAKE A CHANGE.

Sheriff: "I'M-A MAKE A CHANGE"?

IMPLYING THAT WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW NEEDS TO BE CHANGED,

THAT I'M NOT DOING A GOOD JOB?

WHY'D YOU HAVE TO ADVERTISE TO THE WHOLE WORLD THAT YOU THINK I

SUCK A BARREL OF DICKS [ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

HELLO? HELLO. THIS IS DENNY.

Sheriff: HEY, BUDDY, WHAT ARE YOU --

TIRED OF THE FAT, BLOATED, FLIPPY-FLOPPY POLICIES OF OUR

CURRENT FAT, BLOATED, FLIPPY-FLOPPY SHERIFF?

Sheriff: WAIT.

ON ELECTION DAY, VOTE DENNY FOR SHERIFF.

WITH YOUR HELP, "I'M-A MAKE A CHANGE."

Sheriff: HOW ARE YOU -- HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?

ROBOCALL.

MY RESEARCH SHOWED THAT THIS OFFICE HAD SOME UNDECIDEDs.

Sheriff: WELL, I AIN'T UNDECIDED!

I'M LEANING PRETTY HEAVILY TOWARDS VOTING FOR ME!

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] YOU CAN KEEP YOUR ROBOT ARMY

BECAUSE I GOT FLESH-AND-BLOOD FRIENDS IN THIS TOWN.

HELLO?

HELLO, THIS IS THE REVEREND...

Sheriff: OH, HEY, REVEREND!

YOUR EARS MUST BE BURNING -- ...REMINDING YOU TO VOTE FOR

DENNY THIS NOVEMBER.

THIS COUNTY HAS BECOME SATAN'S PLAYGROUND UNDER THE CURRENT

SHERIFF. Sheriff: WHAT NOW?

VOTETH FOR DENNY TO MAKE A CHANGE.

[ Dial tone ] Sheriff: UH...

ALL RIGHT, REVEREND, I APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT.

THANK YOU FOR CALLING.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE A CALL, PLEASE --

Sheriff: REAL PERSON THERE, DENNY.

I'M DENNY.

I'VE LIVED IN THIS TOWN ALL MY LIFE.

LIKE YOU, I'VE SEEN WHAT THE CURRENT FLIPPY-FLOPPY

ADMINISTRATION HAS DONE TO OUR COUNTY..

COZYING UP TO CRIMINALS...

Sheriff: GOOD NIGHT, LITTLE BUDDY.

...HIS JAIL IS A REVOLVING DOOR FOR REPEAT OFFENDERS...

Sheriff: HOW'S THIS, EARLY?

Early: SEE YA LATER!

Sheriff: I BUILT THIS MYSELF!

DENNY, YOU GETTING ALL THIS?

MM-HMM.

NOT TO MENTION ALL THE LAVISH SCRABBLE PARTIES ON THE

TAXPAYER DIME.

Sheriff: ARE WE SURE "DIBYWIBLE" IS A WORD?

Early: HERE'S A WORD!

PRISON BREAK! YEAH!

Sheriff: THAT'S TWO WORDS, EARLY!

SO VOTE DENNY FOR SHERIFF, 'CAUSE I'M-A MAKE A CHANGE.

THIS AD PAID FOR BY DENNY FOR SHERIFF.

Sheriff: DAMN.

NOW WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO?

Early: THROW THE BUMS OUT!

Sheriff: BUT, EARLY, I'M THE BUM.

Early: THROW THE BUMS OUT!

IT'S TIME TO MAKE CHANGE.

HELL, YOU ALL FLIPPY-FLOPPY ON CRIME.

Sheriff: BUT, EARLY, YOU'RE THE CRIME I'M FLIPPY-FLOPPY ON.

Early: DENNY GONNA MAKE A CHANGE.

I DON'T WANT NO MORE DIET SODEYS!

I'M GONNA VOTE FOR A MAN THAT I'D LIKE TO HAVE A BEER WITH.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ] Sheriff: WELL, NOW YOU'VE

HAD NINE BEERS, THREE DOZEN WINGS, AND A LAP DANCE, SO YOU

THINK I CAN COUNT ON YOUR VOTE THIS NOVEMBER?

Early: NOW I WANT TO VOTE FOR A MAN THAT I'D LIKE TO HAVE PAY

FOR ME AND MY BIG CHESTIE RIGHT HERE TO SPEND ABOUT 20 MINUTES

IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM RIGHT NOW!

YEAH!

Sheriff: OKAY. BUT I CAN'T DO THIS FOR EVERYBODY.

SOME VOTERS DON'T LIKE BIG BREASTS.

Early: YOU WANT TO BEAT THAT RUNT DENNY IN THIS HERE

ELECTION?

YOU JUST TAKE MY ADVICE AND CRUSH HIS ASS.

Sheriff: CRUSH HIM?

LIKE WITH DIRTY TRICKS?

Early: CRUSH HIM LIKE WITH A CAR CRUSHER.

DRESS UP A CAR CRUSHER LIKE A CAR WASH THAT SAYS "FREE CAR

WASH."

THEN YOU TELL DENNY, "LOOK HERE, I WANT YOU TO GO DOWN TO THE CAR"

"CRUSHER," ONLY HE THINKS IT'S A CAR WASH, THEN CAR-CRUSH DENNY

WITH A CAR CRUSHER.

Sheriff: EH, NEVER MIND.

[ CLEARS THROAT ] NIGHT-NIGHT, EARLY.

Early: REMEMBER WHAT I SAID.

ABOUT CRUSHING HIM WITH A CAR CRUSHER!

Sheriff: HEY, BOYD.

YOU THINK I CAN ASK FOR YOUR VOTE THIS NOVEMBER?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

DENNY IS PROMISING TO MAKE A CHANGE ON ALL THESE CONSTANT

ROBBERIES I GOT TO DEAL WITH.

[ GUN COCKS ] Early: HANG UP THAT PHONE!

Sheriff: IS THAT EARLY?

WELL, WHO THE HELL ELSE WOULD IT BE?

Sheriff: AW, HE DON'T MEAN NO HARM.

[ GUNSHOT ] OHH! HE SHOT ME!

Early: GIVE ME THAT PHONE!

STOP CALLING HERE WHILE I'M WORKING!

Sheriff: PUT ME BACK ON WITH BOYD, PLEASE.

Early: WRAP IT UP, CHATTY CATHY!

Sheriff: HEY, BOYD, YOU'RE NOT TOO SHOT TO VOTE, ARE YOU?

I WANT TO TALK TO DENNY.

Sheriff: UH...

THIS HERE IS ONE OF THEM ROBOCALLS.

SHERIFF IS BUSY NOW CRIME-SOLVING A DRUG RING.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I CALLED YOU.

Sheriff: PLEASE VOTE SHERIFF THIS NOVEMBER.

THIS IS ROBOT HANGING UP NOW.

BEEP, BEEP BEEP BEEP.

ENJOY YOUR FANCY DIET SODAS AND SCRABBLE PARTIES.

'CAUSE COME NOVEMBER, THERE'S GONNA BE A CHANGE!

Early: I SAID NO POLICE!

[ PUNCH LANDS ] [ Dial tone ]

VOTE FOR DENNY. I'M-A MAKE A CHANGE.

VOTE FOR DENNY.

I'M-A MAKE A CHANGE.

VOTE FOR DENNY.

I'M-A MAKE A CHANGE.

VOTE FOR DENNY.

I'M-A MAKE A CHANGE.

VOTE FOR DENNY. I'M-A MAKE A CHANGE.

Sheriff: OH, DAMN IT!

TRABAJO! TRABAJO! TRABAJO!

Sheriff: NO, NO, NO JOBS HERE, GUYS.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE A REAL CAR WASH.

[ GLASS SHATTERS, METAL CRUNCHING ]

HEY! GET OUT OF THERE!

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

WHO AM I KIDDING?

I AIN'T GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO DO THIS.

Granny: DAMN RIGHT, YOU DON'T.

YOUR APPEAL TO LATINOS IS SOFT.

SOFT!

Sheriff: BUT THESE GUYS CAN'T VOTE.

THEY'RE ILLEGAL.

Granny: [ CHUCKLES ] NOW WHO'S BEING NAIVE?

DENNY'S VULNERABLE WITH UNDECIDEDs, AND I HAPPEN TO KNOW

THAT THERE'S ONE THING WORSE THAN THE ANTICHRIST IN A RED

STATE.

Sheriff: WHAT'S THAT?

Granny: RODRIGO, MARKER!

PRONTO!

HE'S NO LONGER DENNY.

HE'S ENNY, THE DEMOCRAT!

DIOS MIO!

Sheriff: GRANNY, I CAN'T GO THAT NEGATIVE.

I WON'T DO IT.

Granny: AH, WELL.

MAYBE THEY WERE RIGHT.

YOU ARE FAT, BLOATED, FLIPPY-FLOPPY.

ENJOY WORKING IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR, RIGHT BETWEEN RODRIGO

AND MUSTACHE RODRIGO.

[ URINE SPLASHING ] Sheriff: [ SIGHS ]

FINE. LET'S DO IT.

THIS IS A LIE!

HELL, I AIN'T NO TAX-AND-SPEND DEMOCRAT!

Sheriff: STEP ASIDE, PLEASE, SIR.

WE'VE GOT SOME AMERICANS HERE WHO WANT TO EXERCISE THEIR

GOD-GIVEN RIGHTS.

Early: YOU ARE TRITT COMMA TRAVIS.

YOU ARE SWAYZE COMMA PATRICK.

YOU'RE ROCK COMMA KID.

YOU'RE ROCK COMMA THE.

YOU'RE ROCK COMMA THAT MOVIE "THE ROCK."

I'M VOTING TO MAKE A CHANGE.

Granny: OH, A DENNY SUPPORTER.

[ Laughing ] OKAY.

WELL, YOU JUST PUT YOUR LITTLE I.D. IN THIS SLOT, OKAY, HONEY?

[ MOTOR WHIRRING ] WAIT. IS THAT --

THAT'S A SHREDDER, ISN'T IT?

Granny: SORRY! POLLS ARE CLOSED NOW!

HOLA! BIENVENIDOS, AMIGOS!

DO YOU EVEN WORK HERE?

[ BOTH GRUNTING ] Sheriff: I SURE HOPE...

THIS IS WORTH THE ONE VOTE.

YEAH, WE GONNA MAKE A CHANGE TOGETHER.

YOU THAT LITTLE "MAKE A CHANGE" MIDGET, RIGHT?

Sheriff: NO, I'M THE OTHER ONE.

I'M THE ONE THAT'S FAIRLY TOUGH.

WHATEVER.

OH, GO BACK.

I FORGOT MY I.D.

Sheriff: [ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT.

[ SLURPS ] [ BOTH GRUNTING ]

[ HORN HONKS ] Early: COME ON UP, SHERIFF!

MEET YOUR SUPPORTERS!

EVERYBODY SAY HEY!

Sheriff: [ COUGHING ] OH, GOD.

EARLY, THESE ARE DEAD BODIES!

Early: YEAH, OUR GROUND GAME IS STRONG!

[ LAUGHS ] UNDERGROUND!

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Rusty: BUT WE ONLY NEEDED THE NAMES, NOT THE BODIES!

Early: SO I CAN KEEP ALL THE JEWELRIES I DONE GOT?

LOOKIE HERE NOW!

FREE NECK DRESSINGS!

[ MOTOR WHIRRING ] Sheriff: I HATE THAT WE'VE

GOT TO SHARE ELECTION HEADQUARTERS WITH DENNY.

AND THEY GOT THE BOOTH NEXT TO THE JUKEBOX, TOO.

[ GLASSES CLINK ] LIKE I DON'T LIKE MUSIC.

Early: HEY, SHERIFF, LOOK AT ME AND MY BIG FAT TIE!

HA HA!

I'M A BUSINESSMAN! HELL YEAH!

Rusty: I'M A BUSINESSMAN, TOO!

Early: HELL, YOU AIN'T NEVER CONDUCTED NO BUSINESS WITH NO

DAMN ONES THAT KNOW HOW RUN NO BUSINESS.

I'M THE BUSINESSMAN IN THIS FAMILY!

AND DON'T YOU NO HOW YOU DON'T NEVER KNOW HOW TO BUILD NO DAMN

BUSINESS WITH NO BUSINESS!

NOW I'M TWICE THE BUSINESSMAN YOU'LL EVER BE.

Sheriff: HEY, WHAT'S MR. HALEN DOING OVER THERE

SITTING WITH DENNY?

Dan Halen: AND THIS IS THE WAY THE HORSIE RIDES.

WHEE!

Dan Halen: OKAY, HOP DOWN, COWBOY.

ATTENTION, EVERYONE.

WE HAVE THE RESULTS.

PLEASE JOIN ME IN CONGRATULATING THE SHERIFF!

DENNY!

Sheriff: OH!

I'M-A MAKE A CHANGE.

Early: YOU SHOULD'VE CRUSHED HIM IN A CAR CRUSHER WHEN YOU

HAD THE CHANCE.

Rusty: WHAT ABOUT ALL THEM DEAD FOLKS WHO VOTED FOR

SHERIFF?

Granny: YEAH, I VOTED FOR SHERIFF SEVEN TIMES, MYSELF.

Dan Halen: ARE YOU SAYING THAT THIS ELECTION WAS A SHAM

AND THAT I ARBITRARILY CHOSE DENNY AS SHERIFF BECAUSE HE'S

EASIER FOR ME TO CONTROL?

HOW DARE YOU LEVEL SUCH AN ABSURD ACCUSATION IN FRONT OF

THE LOCAL BUSINESS COMMUNITY!

Rusty: YEAH!

Rusty: THE BUSINESS COMMUNITY IS NOT HAPPY!

Sheriff: I DEMAND A RECOUNT!

Dan Halen: FINE.

AS DICTATED IN THE COUNTY CHARTER, WE WILL SETTLE THIS

WITH...

THE PAPER CARNATION!

MY MOTHER AND YOUR MOTHER WERE HANGING OUT CLOTHES.

MY MOTHER PUNCHED YOUR MOTHER RIGHT IN THE NOSE.

WHAT COLOR WAS HER BLOOD?

Sheriff: RED, OBVIOUSLY.

Dan Halen: R-E-D IS THE COLOR AND THE NEW SHERIFF IS...

STILL DENNY.

I'M-A MAKE A CHANGE.

Sheriff: AH, DAMN IT!

I SHOULD'VE GONE WITH BLUE.

Early: YEP.

I DONE TOLD THAT FAT-ASS BALD LOSER THAT YOU WAS GONNA MAKE A

CHANGE.

HEY, HOW ABOUT TOPPING ME OFF ON THAT THERE DIET SODEY POP?

DEPUTY.

Sheriff: SO THIS IS THE BIG CHANGE, DENNY?

DIET SODA TO SODA ZERO?

DON'T FORGET THAT SLIDING GLASS DOOR.

THAT DOOR'S A CHANGE, TOO.

Early: READ IT AND WEEP, BOYS -- FLORBZ.

HA HA.

TRIPLE-LETTER SCORE ON THAT "Z."

"FLORBZ"? COME ON, NOW!

Sheriff: OH, I'M LOOKING THAT ONE UP.

Early: BOTH OF Y'ALL GO LOOK IT UP.

'CAUSE I'M OUT, BITCHES!