Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Early: ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL

DEAD AND BURIED ♪

♪ PRAY EVERY DAY THAT THE EARTH

WOULD JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ NOW, WHEN THE GOOD LORD COMES

AND CALLS ME TO HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SMARTASS

SUMBITCHES DOWN WHEN I GO ♪

♪ JUST LET IT RO-O-O-O-O-O-O-LL♪

>> Rusty: MY TURN.

>> Early: ♪ WOW ♪

>> Rusty: HEY, MAN, LET ME DRIVE

THAT THING!

>> Early: JUST BLOW IT ALL TO HELL.

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

WELL, WELL, WELL, WHAT DO WE GOT

HERE?

NEW DEBELLISHMENT GOING UP NEXT

DOOR.

>> Granny: SOMEBODY'S BUILDING

SOME HIGH-QUALITY HOMES.

THAT'S FOR SURE.

>> Early: CITY SLICKERS COMING

IN HERE, PUMPING CASH INTO OUR

DEPRESSED LOCAL ECONOMY!

NO, SIR, NOT ON MY BACK 40!

>> Granny: BUT YOU SOLD THEM

THAT LAND, DIDN'T YOU?

>> Early: BUT THE LOCATION SUCKS

A DAMN EGG. I FOOLED THEIR ASSES.

[ LAUGHS ]

I SOLD THEM THAT NASTY SPOT

OVERLOOKING THAT WATERFALL.

HELL, YOU CAN'T RAISE NO

CHICKENS OVER THERE.

[ BIRD CALLING ] IT'S TOO DAMN PRETTY!

THIS HERE IS WHERE THE CHICKENS

IS!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CHICKEN SQUAWKING ]

>> Granny: SO, NO CHICKEN CRAP

OVER THERE? >> Early: THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY DON'T GET THE CHICKEN CRAP

OVER THERE.

WE GOT THE DAMN CHICKEN CRAP

ALL OVER HERE.

[ CHICKENS SQUAWKING ]

>> Granny: YEAH.

LET'S MOVE OVER THERE.

>> Early: YEAH, MOVE AWAY FROM

THE CHICKEN CRAP.

[ VIDEO GAME PLAYING ]

[ VIDEO GAME BEEPING ]

>> ENJOYING THE FREE GAME, HUH? [ BEEPING CONTINUES ]

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WITH ALL THOSE ARMS, YOU'RE NOT

GONNA MISS A BUTTON. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]

[ CHUCKLES ] NICE TO MEET YOU.

I'M STAFF SERGEANT SHAVER.

>> Rusty: SHAKE ONE OF THEM

HANDS NEAR MY BUTT.

I'M ABOUT TO GET THE HIGH SCORE

ON THIS OLD BOY.

>> WHOA!

YEAH, YOU'RE REALLY OPENING UP

A CAN ON THOSE SEA HORSES.

NOW, WHY AREN'T YOU BLASTING

THAT INSURGENT BLUEBERRY?

HE'S RIGHT THERE ON HIS KNEES.

COME ON, POP HIM!

>> Rusty: OH, HE'S OBSERVING HIS

HOLY SEASON OF

RAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG, AND HE'S

PRAYING TO HIS BROCCOLI LORD

>> OH, HELL, HE DOES THAT FIVE

TIMES A DAY. DEPLOY SOME LASER-GUIDED CAKE

FROSTING UP HIS ASS.

THEN HE'LL BE ABLE TO MEET HIS

PAGAN, NON-CHRISTIAN, FALSE IDOL

OF A BROCCOLI LORD.

>> Rusty: UH, THAT -- THAT JUST

DON'T FEEL RIGHT.

>> SON, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF

YOU LET HIM LIVE AND HE HIJACKS

A BUTTERFLY AND SLAMS IT INTO

THE SIDE OF THE

GINGERBREAD CENTER?

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

ALL YOUR PEPPERMINT FAERIES ARE

WEARING SCARVES OVER THEIR

FACES.

OR GOD FORBID HE SHOULD SNEAK

INTO GLITTER JUNCTION AND -- AND

THEN DETONATE A PEANUT-BUTTER

BRICKLE CLUSTER!

[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]

>> Rusty: UM, ALL RIGHT THEN.

>> [ SCREAMING ]

>> THERE YOU GO, SOLDIER -- HIGH

SCORE! [ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

>> Rusty: WELL, THANKS FOR THE

GAME.

I'M GONNA GO OUT IN THE PARKING

LOT AND SEE IF SOMEBODY WILL RUN

OVER MY FOOT AND GIVE ME SOME

FOOD MONEY.

>> UH, NOW, NOW, HOLD ON, SON.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A CAREER OUT

OF PLAYING VIDEO GAMES?

PLUS, YOU COULD EARN MONEY FOR

SCHOOL, TRAVEL, SEE THE WORLD --

WELL, THE DUSTY PART OF IT.

EVERYTHING OVER THERE LOOKS LIKE

A BIG MOTOCROSS TRACK.

>> Rusty: THAT SOUNDS PRETTY

BADASS.

>> WELL, YOU JUST SIGN YOUR NAME

RIGHT HERE, AND WE'LL HOOK YOU

UP WITH A FREE HAIRCUT AND SOME

JEWELRY. >> Rusty: WAIT A MINUTE NOW.

I GOT TO STAY BUCK WILD.

Y'ALL ARE GONNA LET ME KEEP THE

BUSINESS UP FRONT AND PARTY IN

THE BACK?

>> THE U.S. ARMY IS DEDICATED TO

FIND THE RIGHT HAIRCUT FOR YOU.

[ BIRD CALLING ]

>> Granny: GATED COMMUNITY, HUH?

GUESS THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER

THAN US.

>> Early: THEY AIN'T GONNA KEEP

ME OUT.

JUST LOOK WHO JUST MOVED INTO

TOWN, AND I'M GONNA KEEP MY YARD

GRASS AS DAMN TALL AS I PLEASE!

>> Granny: AND I MAY PLAY A

ROUND OF GOLF WITHOUT SIGNING UP

FOR A TEE TIME.

I'LL WEAR SLUTTY CLOTHES AT THE

BUS STOP!

OH, I MAY BE OLD, BUT I CAN

STILL WRECK A MARRIAGE.

>> Early: HERE'S WHERE WE'RE

GONNA LIVE, RIGHT HERE!

WE'RE GONNA PUT A HOG IN THE

GROUND AND SOME BEER --

>> "ON ICE AND ALL MY HORNY PALS

ARE" -- IT'S KIND OF A CLUNKY

NICKNAME.

WE COULDN'T FIT IT ALL ON THE

HELMET. >> Rusty: I GOT TO WEAR A

HELMET?

>> [ Laughing ] NO, THAT'S JUST

FOR SHOW.

WHY, YOU'RE MILES FROM THE COMBAT ZONE.

>> Rusty: HEY, MAN, THESE ARE

JUST LIKE THE CONTROLS FROM THE

VIDEO GAME. >> WEIRD, HUH?

WELL, LET'S SEE IF IT WORKS JUST

LIKE THE GAME.

NOW, DON'T TWERT OR FACEBOX

ABOUT THIS NOW. I'M TOLD YOUR GENERATION LIKES

TO, UH, YOU KNOW, DO SOME CRAP

WITH YOUR PHONES.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> Rusty: HEY, MAN, CAN I MASH ME UP SOME EXPLODY BUTTONS NOW?

>> YOU BET, SOLDIER.

>> Rusty: ALL RIGHT, NOW, WHICH

ONE OF THESE BUILDINGS SHOULD I

TEAR THE ASS OUT OF? [ BEEPING ]

>> Early: DAMN IT!

NO PLUMBING, NO ELECTRICAL.

>> Granny: NO ROOFS, NO WALLS.

>> Early: AIN'T NO WONDER THEY

AIN'T GOT NO BUYERS --

SHODDY-ASS CONSTRUCTION!

>> Granny: FRANKLY, I DON'T LIKE

THE LAYOUT.

WHERE'S THE PRIVACY?

>> Early: THEY SLAPPING UP

LOW-INCOME HOUSING RIGHT NEXT

DOOR TO OUR LOWER-INCOME

HOUSE!

>> Granny: BUT WOULDN'T THAT

JACK UP OUR PROPERTY VALUE?

>> Early: DAMN IF I KNOW.

I AIN'T NO MATHIMAGICIAN!

NEIGHBORHOOD DON'T MAKE NO DAMN

SENSE TO ME.

I MEAN, YOU'D GOT TO HAVE A

PACKAGE STORE HERE AND HERE AND,

UH, AND HERE.

AND THERE NEEDS TO BE A

STRIPTEASE CLUB OPEN ON SUNDAYS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SO LET'S ALL GET OUT AND VOTE

"YES" ON PROP 16 "B"!

>> Granny: YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T

PUT A TITTY HOUSE RIGHT NEXT TO

A SCHOOL.

>> Early: THAT AIN'T NO SCHOOL.

THAT'S A TERRORIST TRAINING

CAMP. THAT'S DIFFERENT.

>> Granny: WELL, IT'S STILL A

TRADE SCHOOL.

THEY ARE LEARNING A SKILL.

>> Early: WAIT, WHAT THE HELL'S

A TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP DOING

IN MY TOWN?

WE GOT TO DRIVE THEM SUMBITCHES

OUT!

VOTE "YES" ON PROP 27 "B"!

>> Granny: CERTAINLY ARE A LOT

OF SHOPPING OPTIONS, THOUGH.

EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK THERE'S A

TARGET.

OW!

>> Early: SPACE ALIEN ATTACK!

>> Granny: THIS CANNOT BE GOOD

FOR PROPERTY VALUES.

>> Early: WE'RE BEING

GENTRIFICATITATED!

QUICK, GRANNY, INSIDE THE

URANIUM ENRICHMENT FACILITY

DISGUISED AS A HOSPITAL!

DAMN ALIEN SPACE TEENAGERS!

NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO

BLOW OUR ASSES UP!

GRAB YOU A HUMAN SHIELD WOMAN!

[ MACHINE-GUN FIRE ] >> Granny: AAH!

>> Early: DOUBLE SHIELD!

>> Rusty: WHOO! HELL YEAH!

I LAID ME A STONE COLD WHOOPIN'

ON THAT DAYCARE FACILITY!

>> NICE JOB, SOLDIER. [ SLURPS ]

GO AHEAD AND LAY WASTE TO THE

PLAYGROUND.

>> Rusty: WAIT A MINUTE.

SOMETHING'S MOVING DOWN THERE.

>> OH, I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT

IT. KEEP SHOOTING TO EARN MORE GOLD

COINS. >> Early: AAH!

[ STATIC ] >> WHAT THE HELL?

WE LOST THE FEED.

THE DRONE'S DOWN!

>> Rusty: MAYBE SOMEBODY JUST

UNPLUGGED THE GAME.

>> THIS IS NOT A GAME, SOLDIER,

EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN CAREFULLY

DESIGNED TO LOOK LIKE ONE!

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

IF THIS WERE TO HAPPEN OVER

AFGHANISTAN, THE INSURGENTS

WOULD PUT THEIR BRIGHTEST

ENGINEERS ON FIGURING OUT OUR

TECHNOLOGY.

>> Early: I SAID, WHAT PLANET

ARE YOU FROM?! YOU BEST TALK TO ME, ROBOT!

>> Granny: I HAVE WAYS TO MAKE

HIM TALK.

[ KNUCKLES CRACK ]

I ASK HIM QUESTIONS, AND THEN

HE'LL ANSWER WITH WORDS.

>> Early: AND THEN YOU CORNER

HIM IN THE DAMN KITCHEN AND

START PRATTLING ABOUT YOUR DAMN

FOOT PROBLEMS!

>> Granny: WELL, THEY DON'T MAKE

PROPER SHOES FOR WOMEN WITH MY

FOOT BUILD.

>> Early: THEY DON'T WANT TO

KNOW AND NEITHER DO I.

GET THE WATER!

WE'RE GONNA WATERBOARD HIS ASS!

>> Granny: SWEET OR UNSWEET?

>> Early: BITCH, YOU BROUGHT

TEA?!

>> Granny: UH, THERE'S ANOTHER

ONE COMING!

>> Early: WELL, WELL, NOW.

IF IT'S A FIGHT THEY WANT, IT'S

A FIGHT THEY SHALL GET!

EARLY CUYLER, BABY!

>> Granny: OR WE COULD JUST GO

HOME.

>> Early: ♪ BACK IN THE WOODS,

40 MILES FROM THE CITY ♪

♪ AIN'T NOBODY UP HERE BUT US

SQUIDBILLIES ♪

♪ WE GOT NO MONEY, AND WE AIN'T

GOOD-LOOKING ♪

♪ BUT WE SURE KNOW HOW TO GIVE A

HEALTHY ASS WHOOPING ♪

♪ TANGLE WITH US, AND WE'LL MAKE

YOU PAY ♪

♪ MOUNTAIN FOLK WILL FIND A WAY,

HEY ♪

♪ WE'RE ALWAYS GONNA FIND A

WAY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE NEVER BACK DOWN, AND

WE DON'T GIVE UP ♪

♪ LONG AS THE MOONSHINE FILLS MY

CUP ♪

♪ AND IF HIP OBAMA TRY AND TAKE

MY GUN ♪

♪ WE'RE GONNA BEAT THE MARATHON

TO MAKE A CANYON RUN ♪

[ BEEPING ]

♪ YOU CAN MAKE A WEAPON OUT OF

TOOTHPASTE AND HAY ♪

♪ MOUNTAIN FOLK WILL FIND A

WAY ♪

>> Both: ♪ WE NEVER DON'T FIND A

WAY ♪

>> Early: ♪ MOUNTAIN FOLK WILL

FIND A WAY ♪

♪ WE ALWAYS NEVER DON'T FIND A

WAY ♪

>> DAMN IT, SON, YOU'RE LOSING ALL OUR DRONES!

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU COULD

PLAY THIS GAME!

>> Rusty: MAN, I SWEAR THERE'S

SOMETHING DOWN THERE ATTACKING

US.

I'M DOING EVERYTHING JUST LIKE IN THE GAME.

>> SWITCH OVER TO THERMAL

IMAGING.

[ ELECTRONIC WHIRRING, BEEPING ]

THERE! RIGHT THERE! ATTACK!

>> Early: OH, HELL, THEY FOUND

US! >> Granny: AAH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!

>> Early: I NEED TO IMPROTIZE,

CREATE A DIVERSION.

NOW, YOU GET ON UP THERE IN THAT

CLEARING AND DO SOME OF THAT

SQUARE DANCING YOU LOVE SO DAMN

MUCH. >> Granny: BUT THAT'S WHERE

THEY'RE SHOOTING!

>> Early: WELL, IN HERE IS WHERE

I'M SHOOTING!

>> Granny: ♪ CHICKEN IN THE

BREAD PEN PICKING OUT DOUGH ♪

♪ TURN TO YOUR PARTNER AND DOH

SEE DOH ♪ >> Rusty: GRANNY?

>> THE TERRORIST!

THERE HE IS!

>> Rusty: ACTUALLY, IT'S A SHE,

BUT I CAN SEE WHERE YOU'D MAKE

THAT MISTAKE, THOUGH.

SHE AIN'T ALWAYS HAD THAT BEARD.

>> I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHATEVER

IT IS DOWN THERE!

YOU...LIGHT...IT...UP!

>> Early: LISTEN HERE A.T. ALIEN

MANS!

SHE'S RIGGED TO BLOW!

NOW, IF YOU BLOW HER UP, I'LL

BLOW HER UP, AND THIS WHOLE

SHOOTING MATCH WILL BLOW UP!

YOU GOT THAT?!

BUT IF YOU LEAVE THIS HERE

PLANET AND DON'T BLOW HER UP,

I'LL STILL BLOW HER UP!

>> Granny: WAIT, WHAT?

>> Early: EITHER WAY, SHE BLOWS

UP! >> HE'S BLUFFING.

VERY WEIRDLY.

>> Rusty: NO, SIR, IT AIN'T NO

BLUFF. >> HE BELIEVES IT.

>> WELL, HE'S STILL A MORON.

HE TAPED A BOTTLE ROCKET AND A

REMOTE CONTROL TO HER. >> Early: BRING IT ON, YOU SON

OF A MARTIAN BITCH!

I'M YOUR HUCKLEBERRY, WALKING

IN THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF

THE DOLLS, BEYOND THE -- THE

VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF THE

DOLLS. >> OKAY, NOW HE'S BUTCHERING

LINES FROM "TOMBSTONE."

>> Early: IT'S THE DAMN GUN

MOVIE WITH THE BIBLE VALLEY IN

IT!

>> JUST INCINERATE HIM, SON.

>> Rusty: BUT THEY'RE MY KIN.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

>> DO YOU WANT MONEY FOR COLLEGE

OR NOT?!

TAKE...THEM...OUT!

[ BEEPING ]

[ AIR RUSHING ]

[ BEEPING ]

>> Early: OH, PLEASE, SPARE ME!

SPARE ME, PLEASE!

JUST TAKE THE WOMAN!

TAKE THE WOMAN!

PLEASE!

NO!

WHOO!

>> Granny: YAY!

>> Early: NOW THAT'S HOW A COUNTRY MAN DO!

>> Granny: THEY BOUGHT THE

BLUFF!

WHAT BLUFF NOW?

[ STATIC ]

>> Rusty: [ Chuckling ] WELL,

YOU -- Y-YOU CAN'T WIN 'EM ALL,

RIGHT, SERGEANT?

NOW, WHERE DO I GO TO GET MY

COLLEGE MONEY? >> PAKISTAN.

>> Rusty: WE AIN'T SUPPOSED TO

BE OVER THERE.

>> WE'RE NOT OVER THERE, BUT YOU

WILL BE. >> Rusty: WELL, UH, I QUIT.

THAT'S HOW MY DADDY DO IT WHEN

HE DON'T LIKE WHAT HE'S HEARING.

>> THAT AIN'T HOW THE ARMY

WORKS, SON.

NOW, GO PACK YOUR GEAR.

YOU SHIP OUT IN AN HOUR.

[ BIRD CALLING ]

UH, DADDY?

DADDY, HOW LONG I GOT TO STAY IN

THIS WALL OF MUD?

>> Early: HOW LONG YOU SIGN UP

FOR? >> Rusty: UM, THREE YEARS.

>> Early: THREE YEARS THEN.

>> Rusty: AW, ARE YOU SAYING --

>> Early: SHUT UP, MUD.

[ BIRD CALLING ]

WHOO!

YOU STAY IN THAT WALL NOW.

I'M GONNA GO SEE IF THERE'S ANY

MEAT LEFT.

♪ MOUNTAIN FOLK WILL FIND A WAY,

HEY ♪

♪ WE'RE ALWAYS GONNA FIND A

WAY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE NEVER BACK DOWN, AND

WE DON'T GIVE UP ♪

♪ LONG AS THE MOONSHINE FILLS MY

CUP ♪

♪ AND IF HIP OBAMA TRY AND TAKE

MY GUN ♪

♪ WE'RE GONNA BEAT THE MARATHON

TO MAKE A CANYON RUN ♪