Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

>> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND

BURIED ♪

♪ SOME DAYS, I WISH THE SUN

WOULD JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO

HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

♪ LET 'ER BLOW, LET 'ER BLOW ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

>> Rusty: MY TURN. >> Early: HELL NO.

>> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT

THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

>> GAY MARRIAGE?

NOT ON MY WATCH.

EAT MAGMA, SUSPECTED

HOMOSEXUALS!

>> Rusty: WHOO-HOO! ALL RIGHT!

[ BABY GIGGLING ]

>> WHY'S RANDY STILL AWAKE?

>> Rusty: WE JUST HAVIN' A

DUDE'S NIGHT.

WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN?

>> IT'S CALLED WORKIN', RUSTY!

>> Rusty: OH, IS THAT WHERE YOU,

UH -- YOU GO SOMEWHERE AND

SOMEBODY PAYS YOU AND...YOU GET

MONEY? I USED TO HAVE ONE OF THEM.

I GOT FIRED!

>> DO YOU REMEMBER THE TALK WE

HAD ABOUT CHILD SUPPORT?

>> Rusty: YES, MA'AM.

AND I AIN'T NEVER GON' FORGET NO

MORE!

BA-BLAM!

IT AIN'T DONE YET.

GONNA HAVE FLAMES COMIN' OFF THE

WORD "MONTH."

>> YOU THINK I COULD GET THAT

$250 ON A CHECK INSTEAD OF ON

YOUR ARM?

>> Rusty: I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN

DO, BUT ALL THESE COMIC BOOKS I

BUY, YOU KNOW, THEY -- THEY JUST

DON'T GROW ON TREES!

>> I CAN'T PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE

FOR YOUR SON!

ALL I'VE GOT TO FEED HIM IS HOT

WINGS! WHY DO YOU THINK HE POOPS ORANGE

ALL OVER EVERYTHING?!

>> Rusty: I THOUGHT YOU WAS

STILL BREAST-FEEDING.

HELL, THAT'S FREE, AIN'T IT?

>> NO, THE BREAST PUMP IS FOR

WORK.

IF I SHRINK BELOW A "C" CUP,

MR. HALEN WILL CUT ME LOOSE!

>> Rusty: WHAT?

THAT IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE

WORKPLACE! SOME AVENGER SHOULD AVENGE THAT.

>> RUSTY, YOU NEED TO GET YOUR

HEAD OUT OF THE COMIC BOOKS AND

BE A ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR SON.

>> Rusty: ROLE MODEL?!

I AM OUT EVERY NIGHT BUSTIN' MY

HUMP TO MAKE SURE THE MEAN

STREETS OF DOUGAL COUNTY ARE

SAFE FROM EVIL!

>> WHAT?

>> Rusty: NOW, SAYIN' ANY MORE

WOULD ENDANGER THE LIVES OF YOU

AND THE BABY. SORRY, BUT I'M BORROWIN' THESE,

AND I'LL BRING THEM BACK IN THE

MORNING!

>> JUST GET A JOB AND BRING US

SOME MONEY!

>> Early: GIVE ME THE MONEY!

YOU GOT NO IDEA WHO THE HELL I

AM OR WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF!

>> I KNOW THE DRILL, EARLY.

I GET IT.

>> Early: AND WHO THE HELL ARE

YOU SUPPOSED TO --

>> Rusty: STAY SAFE, CITIZEN!

>> THIS IS FOR ROBBING MY STORE!

>> Rusty: NO! >> I'M GON' STEP ON HIS BALLS!

>> Rusty: JUSTICE HAS ALREADY

BEEN SERVED! COME ON, NOW!

>> Early: I WAS ASSAULTED!

I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT MY HAT!

PERMANENTLY RUINED!

>> Sheriff: "COURTESY OF YOUR

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD

'THE INKUBATOR.'"

>> Early: I'M INCLINED TO SUE!

>> Sheriff: OH, CALM DOWN,

EARLY!

I THINK I OWE A BIG THANKS TO

THIS..."THE INKUBATOR," WHOEVER

HE IS.

>> Rusty: BY DAY, HE IS

RUSTY CUYLER, HUMBLE DELI WORKER

FRAMED -- WELL, NOT FRAMED, BUT

DEFINITELY FIRED UNJUSTLY, FOR

POPPING WHITEHEADS ON THE SALAD

BAR SNEEZE GUARD.

I DIDN'T DO THAT!

IT WAS DARRELL!

BUT WHEN DARKNESS FALLS, HE DONS

THE MACRAME HOOD AND DISHWASHING

GLOVES OF THE INKUBATOR -- DOER

OF RIGHT!

>> Dan Halen: VAGRANTS!

GREAT.

ALL I NEED IS ONE MORE HOBO TO

SLIP OFF THIS ROOF, AND I'M

KNEE-DEEP IN ANOTHER LAWSUIT!

>> Early: YOU SAYIN' THAT IF A

FELLER WAS TO FALL OFF THIS HERE

ROOF, UH, THERE MIGHT BE A

PAYDAY IN IT?

>> Dan Halen: SHUT UP!

GET UP THERE AND INSTALL THE

PIGEON SPIKES!

>> Early: I DIDN'T SEE NO

EMPLOYER-PROVIDED SAFETY

HARNESSES! >> THEY'RE IN THAT BOX.

YOU THREW THE BOX OFF THE ROOF,

DIDN'T YOU? >> Early: YEP.

>> GREAT.

>> Early: WHAT THE HELL'S THAT SAY, ANYHOW?

>> "THE INK--" >> Early: THE INK...

>> "...UBATOR --"

>> Early: ...KUBATOR...

>> "THE INKUBATOR LIVES."

>> Early: LIVES. >> DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE

READING, OKAY?

HAND ME THE REST OF THE PAINT

THINNER.

>> Early: [ GULPING ]

NEXT TIME, BUY THE NAME BRAND!

[ BELCHES ]

THAT AIN'T GOT NO BITE!

>> BROCK...

>> LIBERTY...

>> BELL! >> NOW, I WANT TO GET BACK TO

THIS THING ABOUT CONGRESS

DIPPING THEIR HANDS INTO YOUR

WALLETS.

LISTEN -- THE ATHEIST IN THE

WHITE HOUSE, HE WANTS YOUR

MONEY SO HE CAN SCRAPE THE WORD

"GOD" OFF OF EACH AND EVERY

SINGLE BILLIN' COIN!

>> Sheriff: THAT JUST BOILS MY

BRITCHES! >> DANG, EVEN THE PENNIES?

THAT SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF WORK!

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

>> Sheriff: WELL, I'LL TELL YOU

WHAT I KNOW!

YOU CAN'T SPELL "GOVERNMENT"

WITHOUT "GOD!"

>> SURE, YOU CAN!

>> Sheriff: WELL, I CAN'T!

AND I WON'T!

[ BUZZING ]

HOLLYWOODING IN A HOSPITAL ZONE.

INITIATING PURSUIT.

>> I'M RIGHT HERE, MAN.

>> Sheriff: THEN SAY 10-4,

DENNY!

I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT TALKIN'

INTO THIS!

>> EVENIN', SHERIFF!

[ CHUCKLES ]

CLERGY CROSSIN'!

>> Sheriff: LICENSE AND

REGISTRATION -- AAH!

>> Rusty: TASTE JUSTICE,

WRONGDOERS, COURTESY OF

THE INKUBATOR!

WHO WATCHES THE WATCHERS?

THE INKUBATOR!

>> Sheriff: WHAT THE HELL WAS

THAT?

>> UH, LOOKED LIKE THE CUYLER

BOY.

>> Sheriff: YEAH.

HELL, THIS AIN'T COMIN' OUT.

[ SIREN CHIRPS ]

HEY, THERE...INKUBATOR.

>> Rusty: COMMISSIONER.

>> Sheriff: I-IT'S SHERIFF.

HOW 'BOUT YOU COME ON DOWN FOR A

SECOND AND TALK WITH ME?

>> Rusty: I'M MANNING MY POST.

CITIZENS ARE RUNNIN' ROUGHSHOD

THROUGH THIS TRAFFIC LIGHT, AND

I'M HERE TO STOP THAT!

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

[ CRASH ]

>> Sheriff: THEY'RE OKAY TO GO

THROUGH IT.

I-IT'S A BLINKIN' YELLOW, RUSTY.

>> Rusty: RUSTY?

WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY RUSTY?

>> Sheriff: CAREFUL, RUSTY!

CAREFUL!

YOU OKAY, RUSTY?

>> Rusty: HE'S A -- HE'S A GOOD

KID, THAT RUSTY. >> Sheriff: OH, HE IS!

HE'S GOT A GREAT HEART.

BUT I HEAR HE'S COMIN' UP SHORT

ON HIS CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS.

SEE, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE LOCKING

UP PEOPLE THAT MISS

CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS -- THOSE

DEADBEAT DADS.

>> Rusty: WELL -- WELL --

WELL, RUSTY'S PUTTING A LOT OF

HOURS IN WITH HIS VOLUNTEER WORK

RIGHT NOW.

>> Sheriff: WELL, MAYBE YOU

OUGHT TO GET YOU A PAYIN' JOB.

>> Rusty: YOU MEAN RUSTY OUGHT

TO GET A JOB, RIGHT? >> Sheriff: YEAH! YEAH. RUSTY.

I HEAR THERE'S AN OPENING DOWN

AT THE CAR WASH!

>> Rusty: BUT IF CRIMINALS HEAR

THAT THE INKUBATOR'S WAXIN' CARS

FOR A LIVIN', DOUGAL COUNTY WILL

BE BROUGHT TO ITS KNEES!

>> Sheriff: WELL, WE'RE TALKIN'

'BOUT RUSTY, NOW, RIGHT?

>> Rusty: OH, YEAH! YEAH, OF COURSE! RUSTY! DAMN IT!

>> Sheriff: LOOK, WE'VE GOT

CAMERAS AT THIS LIGHT,

INKUBATOR. WHY DON'T YOU JUST RUN ON AND

HELP GET RUSTY ON THE RIGHT

PATH? >> Rusty: I WILL RELAY THAT

INFORMATION, COMMISSIONER!

AND YOU WILL REMEMBER NOTHING OF

THIS CONVERSATION!

MIND RAY!

[ HIGH-PITCHED VOCALIZING ]

>> Sheriff: OKEYDOKE.

UH, UH, WAIT!

HOW DO I GET THE INK OUT OF MY

UNIFORM?! >> Rusty: TRY BLEACH!

DELICATE CYCLE!

[ GUN COCKS ] >> HELL, YOU ALREADY GOT MY

MONEY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO ON?

>> Early: NO, SIR.

PIGEON SPIKES!

WHEN THE INKUBATOR LANDS ON

THESE, THE INK IS GONNA RUN DRY

FOR HIM! >> [ WHIMPERS ]

>> Rusty: LOOKIN' FOR SOMEONE?

>> Early: WELL, WELL, INKU--

>> Rusty: NO NEED TO THANK ME,

BOYD!

BOYD?

>> Early: SUMBITCHIN'

THE INKUBATOR STOLE FROM ME, AND

I'M THE ONE IN TROUBLE?

>> Sheriff: WELL, DID YOU GET A

GOOD LOOK AT HIM?

>> Early: WHY, HELL YEAH!

EIGHT LEGS. LONG, RED HAIR.

SHOOTS INK OUT HIS HEINIE-HOLE.

HELL, THAT COULD BE ANYBODY.

>> Sheriff: REALLY?

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY INKLING AT

ALL WHO THIS MIGHT BE?

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Early: YOU'RE TRYIN' ME.

>> Sheriff: THINK ABOUT IT, NOW.

Y'ALL SQUIDS SHOOT INK, DON'T

YOU?

>> Early: YOU SAYIN' I DONE

THIS?

>> Sheriff: NO! NO.

BUT OTHER SQUIDS SHOOT INK,

DON'T THEY?

>> Early: OH, HELL, WE DON'T,

DUMB-ASS, NOT UNLESS WE RUBBIN'

ONE OUT OR HAVIN', YOU KNOW, UH,

SOME EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA MESS.

>> Sheriff: SCRUB THE DAMN SKIN

OFF! I DON'T CARE! COME ON!

SCRUB, DENNY!

[ CLATTER ]

>> Rusty: JUSTICE MUST PREVAIL!

>> "BUY YOU A HOUSE AND SEND

THAT YOUNG'UN TO COLLEGE,

COURTESY OF THE INKUBATOR"?

"P.S. RUSTY'S A GOOD KID, SO

MAYBE CLIMB OUT OF HIS ASS ABOUT

THE CHILD SUPPORT.

[ CLATTERING ] >> Rusty: DID YOU SAY

THE INKUBATOR WAS HERE, WITH

LIFE-CHANGIN' MONEY?

>> RUSTY, HOW DID YOU...

>> Rusty: HUH?

>> [ SCOFFS ] NEVER MIND.

YOU'RE LATE, AND I'VE GOT TO GET

TO WORK! >> Rusty: WORK?

ALL THAT MONEY YOU HOLDIN'

THERE -- BABY, YOU AIN'T NEVER

GOT TO WORK AGAIN!

>> THIS IS A CASH DRAWER FULL OF

SINGLES. >> Rusty: YEAH, THERE'S SOME

COINS IN THERE, TOO!

THAT INKUBATOR'S A HELL OF A

GUY. >> I THINK THIS MONEY'S STOLEN,

AND I THINK YOU HAD SOMETHIN' TO

DO WITH IT.

>> Rusty: WELL, I MEAN, WHAT YOU

WANT TO DO? GIVE IT -- GIVE IT TO THE

GOVERNMENT SO THEY CAN SCRAPE

"GOD" OFF OF IT?

>> WE'RE NOT KEEPIN' IT, RUSTY!

AND IF YOU KEEP IT, YOU AIN'T

KEEPIN' MY BOY! WE'VE GOT INTEGRITY IN THIS

HOUSEHOLD!

>> Rusty: YOU GOT A TUBE SOCK

STICKIN' OUT, THERE.

>> DON'T YOU TOUCH ME!

THAT'S FOR PAYIN' CUSTOMERS.

[ DOOR OPENS, SHUTS ]

[ BABY COOING ]

>> Rusty: [ SIGHS ]

HEY, BOYD.

>> [ SNORES ]

>> Rusty: I JUST WANT TO SAY

THAT...I'M SORRY.

AND WHEN YOU WAKE UP...

YOU WILL REMEMBER NOTHING OF

THIS!

[ HIGH-PITCHED VOCALIZING ]

>> Dan Halen: CUSTOMERS DINE AT

JUGG 'UNZ WITH THE

EXPECTATION --

EXCELLENT -- THAT JUGG 'UNZ WILL

BE PRESENT FOR THEIR DINING

EXPERIENCE.

MM...

PASSABLE.

IF YOU ARE NOT ABLE, AT ANY

TIME, TO MAINTAIN YOUR

JUGG 'UNZ AS DEFINED IN THE

JUGG 'UNZ EMPLOYEE JUGGZIBLE --

ACCEPTABLE -- THEN YOU WILL FIND

YOURSELF NO LONGER EMPLOYED AT

JUGG -- WHA-- WHAT IS THIS?

THEY BARELY CLEAVE!

IF YOU CAN'T CLUTCH A PENCIL

WITH THEM, HOW CAN WE EXPECT YOU

TO WORK THE PEPPER MILL WITH

THESE -- THESE MOSQUITO BITES?!

>> MR. HALEN, I DON'T THINK

THAT -- >> Dan Halen: OH, IT'S BETTER

THAT YOU DON'T THINK AT ALL.

YOUR MIND'S PURPOSE IS TO

MEMORIZE WING ORDERS AND

REGULATE THE BLOOD FLOW TO YOUR

BREASTS!

NOTHING MORE! >> Rusty: SEXUAL HARASSER!

WOMEN ARE NOT OBJECTS!

>> Dan Halen: WHAT THE...

[ GRUNTING ]

>> WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!

THIS IS MY ONLY JOB, RUSTY!

>> Rusty: YEAH, IT'S ME, RUSTY.

DON'T TELL!

>> WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?

WHERE'S THE BABY?!

>> Rusty: DON'T WORRY!

I FOUND A SITTER!

[ BABY FUSSING ]

>> Granny: WE TAKE, UH, VELCRO

TAB "A," AND WE GONNA PUT IT ON

VELCRO TAB "B," AND YAY!

I HAVE THE CONFIDENCE TO DATE

AGAIN!

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

>> Rusty: I HAVE DISGRACED THE

NAME OF THE INKUBATOR.

THE GOOD PEOPLE OF DOUGAL COUNTY

DESERVE BETTER.

AND SO THE INKUBATOR MUST GO

INTO HIDING...AND GET SOME SORT

OF LAME-ASS DAY JOB AT THE CAR

WASH, PROBABLY.

>> Early: WELL, WELL, WELL, NOW!

IF IT AIN'T THE INKUBATOR!

>> Rusty: THE INKUBATOR IS NO

MORE!

IT'S ME, DADDY.

RUSTY.

>> Early: WHAT THE...

INK? EIGHT LEGS?

I-I-IT STILL DON'T MAKE NO

SENSE! >> Rusty: DID YOU COME UP HERE

TO EXACT YOUR REVENGE?

GO AHEAD.

I'M UNARMED.

>> Early: OH, I DON'T WANT TO

HURT YOU, SON!

I COME UP HERE TO GET PAID!

>> Rusty: WHAT YOU TALKIN'

'BOUT, DADDY?

>> Early: HERE -- AFTER I HIT,

CALL MY LEGAL "ATTRONEY."

>> Rusty: "AFTER A FALL, ONE

CALL DOES IT ALL." AFTER A FALL?

>> Early: WHOOPS!

>> Rusty: NO, DADDY! NO!

[ WHISTLE! ]

[ CAR ALARM BLARING ]

[ ALARM FADES ]

>> Early: [ Pained ] C-COME ON

DOWN, NOW!

THE MONEY'S FINE!

YOU WANT TO WORK AT THE DAMN CAR

WASH, OR WHAT? >> Rusty: YOU SAID THEY PROVIDE

A CASH SETTLEMENT?

>> Early: MEDIUM-SIZED.

>> Rusty: [ SIGHS ]

A'IGHT, THEN. WHOOPS!