Original subtitles

[ STATIC ] [ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD CALLS ME BACK TO HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

[ WAILING ] Rusty: MY TURN.

Early: HELL NO.

Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

Dan Halen: I DID NOT HIKE OVER 1,800 VERTICAL FEET INSIDE

THE EARTH'S ANUS FOR THIS CHICKEN FEED!

URBANITES INVADE THESE MOUNTAINS TO WATCH TREES ROT AND PICK

APPLES LIKE COMMON MIGRANTS, AND YET WE CAN'T LURE THEM INTO MY

GOD-FORSAKEN HOLE?

Rusty: MAYBE WE'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH ON THE MARKETING FRONT.

Dan Halen: YOU HAVE AN ISSUE WITH MY STREET TEAM?

Sheriff: SPIDERDUDE, I-I'M PRETTY SURE YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED

TO HAVE A TIP JAR OUT HERE.

Early: WHO IN THE HELL'S GONNA LISTEN TO YOU, A-ROTATIN'

COUNTERCLOCKWISE LIKE A DAMN FOOL?

AMATEUR HOUR.

Sheriff: HEY, CAR, CAR.

Early: VISIT THE HOLE IN THE GROUND!

Sheriff: VISIT GRANITE CAVERNS.

Early: GRATUITY IS ACCEPTED.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?

AIR GUITAR?

THAT'S MY SIGNATURE MOVE.

Sheriff: WELL, THIS IS A BASS.

IT'S DIFFERENT.

Dan Halen: SO, HOW DO YOU PROPOSE WE OUT-CHATTANOOGA

CHATTANOOGA FOR THE ALMIGHTY WHITE-TRASH DOLLAR?

Rusty: WELL, MAYBE WE OUGHT TO SPRUCE UP THE NAMES OF THESE

ROCK FORMATIONS A LITTLE BIT.

Dan Halen: OH, SO YOUR ISSUE IS WITH THE CROWN JEWEL OF THE

GRANITE CAVERNS -- THE MAJESTIC LESTER'S PENIS?

Rusty: YOU REALLY WANT A THIRD-GRADE FIELD TRIP STANDING

NEXT TO A LIMESTONE HARD-ON?

Dan Halen: IT IS A FAMILY-FRIENDLY TRIBUTE TO THE

LOINS OF GEORGIA'S MOST BELOVED SEGREGATIONIST, LESTER MADDOX.

PEOPLE PUT HIM TOO MUCH ON A PEDESTAL.

THIS HUMANIZES HIM.

Rusty: LESTER'S PENIS?

Dan Halen: THE NOMENCLATURE [Echoing] STANDS!

Rusty: LOOK, MY POINT IS WE'RE STANDING INSIDE THE FIFTH

WONDER OF THE WORLD.

WE NEED TO GET OUT OF THE WAY AND LET MOTHER NATURE BE THE

STAR. Dan Halen: YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE NEED A GIMMICK.

WHAT'S THAT THERE BEHIND YOU ON THE WALL?

Rusty: THEM BOOGERS?

Dan Halen: NO, NOT THE BOOGERS -- NEXT TO THE BOOGERS.

THEY APPEAR TO BE ANCIENT CAVE DRAWINGS.

Rusty: N-NO, THAT WAS JUST ME.

IT'S JUST SIDEWALK CHALK, THOUGH -- THEM LESTER'S PENIS

CHALK STICKS WE SELL IN THE GIFT SHOP.

Dan Halen: NO, NO, NO.

DON'T YOU SEE?

THESE ARE PRIMITIVE GLYPHS FROM AN ANCIENT RACE FAR BEYOND US.

Rusty: YOU -- YOU HEARD ME SAY I DREW THESE, RIGHT?

Dan Halen: MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO?

Rusty: I WASN'T ALIVE BACK THEN.

Dan Halen: WELL, THEN, HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE IT?

Rusty: COME ON, NOW.

YOU ACTUALLY TRYING TO SAY THAT THESE THINGS --

Dan Halen: WERE DRAWN BY AN ANCIENT ALIEN RACE WHO MAY

SOMEDAY RETURN TO DRUM UP TOURIST INTEREST?

THAT IS A MIND-BOGGLING DISCOVERY THAT COULD SHAPE THE

VERY FINANCIAL FUTURE OF THIS ENTIRE GUANO-CAKED DEATH TRAP.

Granny: HEY, SPIDERDUDE.

AIN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE TWIRLIN' DOWN BY THE OFF RAMP?

Early: HUMP THAT NOISE.

HE AIN'T GONNA CHECK.

NOW SWITCH ON THE PICTURE BOX.

I DONE THOUGHT ENOUGH FOR TODAY.

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO THINK TOMORROW.

SPEAK TO ME, HANNITY.

THE ADVERTISEMENT CLAIMS THAT THE DRAWINGS UNLOCK THE

MYSTERIES TO ALL LIFE ON EARTH.

Early: YEAH, OKAY.

UNLOCK THE MYSTERIES OF THAT FUNNY-CAR CHALLENGE ON TWO.

Granny: WAIT A MINUTE.

AIN'T THAT WHERE YOU WORK?

BUT UPON CLOSER INSPECTION, THE "FINDINGS" ARE NOT SO MUCH

REMARKABLE AS RIDICULOUS.

ONE DRAWING DEPICTS A WEREWOLF RIDING A WINGED DINOSAUR WHILE A

SCANTILY-CLAD WOMAN BLASTS THEM WITH WHAT APPEAR TO BE LASER

BREASTS.

Granny: [ GASPS ] JUST LIKE IN THE BIBLE.

Early: SHH.

IT'S A MISSING LINK.

THIS ONE SHOWS AN ALIEN PLACING A CROWN ON THE HEAD OF A

CEPHALOPOD.

Early: A CEPHALO-WHAT?

THAT LOOKS LIKE ME!

THAT'S ME! HELL, THAT'S ME!

Granny: WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU SAYING...?

Early: THAT'S RIGHT.

ACCORDING TO THEM ROCKS ON THE TV NEWS, ALIENS IS COMING BACK

TO CROWN ME SPACE KING.

YEAH!

Granny: NO, I THOUGHT YOU WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

SOME IN THE COMMUNITY QUESTION THE AUTHENTICITY OF THE

DRAWINGS.

DINO-WHAT?

[ LAUGHS ] WHAT'S NEXT -- WE'LL BE TEACHING

SCIENCE IN SCHOOL?

[ CHUCKLES ] BUT THE PROPRIETOR OF THE

CAVERNS SEEMS TO BELIEVE HIS NEW DISCOVERY COULD PROVIDE A BOON

TO THE LOCAL TAX BASE.

Dan Halen: COME TO GRANITE CAVERNS.

REMEMBER THE NAME GRANITE CAVERNS -- NUMBER ONE IN

FAMILY FUN.

LOOK FOR THE SIGN-SPINNING SPIDERDUDE, BUT PLEASE DO NOT

OFFER HIM ANY GRATUITY.

JUST PARK OUT IN THE LOT WHERE HE'S STANDING AND UNDER NO

CIRCUMSTANCES RESPOND TO ANY OF HIS SEXUAL ADVANCES.

WHERE THE HELL IS HE?!

Early: SUCK ON THAT, BOSS MAN!

I'M SPINNING FROM HOME TODAY.

HOT DIGGITY DAMN, BOY. DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS?

Granny: YOUR DADDY'S SPIDERDUDE!

I'M SORRY, BUT THE TRUTH MUST COME OUT.

Early: I'M TALKING ABOUT THEM CAVE SCRATCHINGS SAYING THAT I

IS GONNA BE THE DAMN SPACE KING.

Rusty: UH...THERE'S SOMETHING I GOT TO TELL Y'ALL ABOUT THEM

DRAWINGS. Granny: WELL, WE SEEN THEM.

THEY'S REAL DRAWINGS.

Rusty: WELL, YEAH, THEY ARE REAL DRAWINGS, BUT --

Early: WE'VE SEEN THEM ON THE TV NEWS.

THEY AIN'T GONNA WASTE NOBODY'S TIME WITH WITH MESS LIKE THAT

THAT AIN'T TRUE.

Granny: BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SEE AND READ.

Rusty: GRANNY, THAT WASN'T REAL NEWS.

Early: OH, I GOT SOME NEWS FOR THAT BOSS OF YOURS.

YOU TELL OL' HALEN TO GO SIT AND SPIN ON THE [WHISTLE] YOURSELF

EXPRESS.

I AIN'T A'GYRATING NO MORE WORDITATIONS FOR HIM.

'CAUSE SPACE ALIENS ABOUT TO COME DOWN AND MAKE ME THE KING.

HELL YEAH, BABY!

SPACE KING! WHOO!

Dan Halen: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

RIGHT, YOU'RE KING SQUID FROM THE DRAWING.

Granny: GET YOUR CAVE ON AT GRANITE CAVERNS.

Dan Halen: SPINNING INSIDE DEFEATS THE PURPOSE.

Granny: BUT I'M SAYING TO PEOPLE THAT THE BULK SENT YOU.

I'M THE BULK.

Dan Halen: THESE PEOPLE ALREADY PAID. THEY'RE INSIDE.

GET BACK OUT TO THE DRAINAGE DITCH AND SPIN.

Granny: [ Groaning ] OH, IT'S SO MUCH COOLER IN HERE.

Dan Halen: AND TELL UNCLE SAM TO LAY OFF THE AIR BASS.

IT'S DRIVING PEOPLE AWAY.

OH, MY GOD.

I'M SO GETTING A TATTOO OF THAT.

CHECK IT OUT.

I GOT THE LAST YOUTH EXTRA-SMALL.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT FITS TOTALLY WRONG.

COLOR'S RIDICULOUS. IT'S PERFECT.

Rusty: NOW, NOW, PLEASE, GENTLEMEN.

WE DON'T ALLOW CLOSE-UP PHOTOGRAPHY.

DUDE, WE'RE SHOOTING A DOCUMENTARY ON THIS WITH OUR

PHONES. WOULD YOU DO AN INTERVIEW?

Rusty: THAT THING GOT A MICROPHONE?

[ BEAT-BOXING ] Dan Halen: RUSTY, LEAVE THESE

YOUNG EXPLORERS WHO, ON SECOND THOUGHT, APPEAR TO BE GROWN MEN

IN THEIR 30s TO REVEL IN THE SUBTERRANEAN WONDERS, OKAY?

Rusty: YEAH, THEY REVELIN', ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT IRONIC MEANS, DON'T YOU?

YES, I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE SONG -- "RAIN ON YOUR WEDDING"

DAY." OF COURSE. I GET IT.

Rusty: NO, IT MEANS THEY'RE MAKING FUN OF US. Dan Halen: WHAT?

Rusty: 'CAUSE THEY KNOW THE DRAWINGS ARE FAKE.

I AM THE SQUID KING!

Early: GIVE ME BACK MY CROWN, BITCH!

HE'S DOING IT! KEEP FILMING HIM!

KEEP FILMING HIM!

Early: COME ON, HOSS.

Dan Halen: IF WORD GETS OUT THAT THESE DRAWINGS ARE FAKE,

CHATTANOOGA WILL HAVE A FIELD DAY WITH THIS!

Rusty: YEAH, I THINK IT'S PROBABLY TOO LATE FOR THAT.

Dan Halen: NO. KILL THEM.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] KILL THEM ALL.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] EXCEPT THE ONE WITH THE WALLET

CHAIN. HE SEEMS PRETTY COOL.

Rusty: I CAN'T MURDER NOBODY, MR. HALEN.

THEY'RE -- THEY'RE PEOPLE.

Dan Halen: IF YOU EVER WANT THIS INTERNSHIP TO TURN INTO A

PAYING JOB, THEN NOT ONE PAIR OF SKINNY JEANS MUST WALK OUT OF

THIS CAVE ALIVE!

Early: WHERE DOTH YE LIE THE DIPPIN' MUSTARD?

Rusty: HEY, DADDY, I-I NEED YOUR HELP WITH SOMETHIN'.

Early: HOLD THINE TONGUE, MINION.

[ GULPING ] AHH!

PROCEED.

Rusty: WELL, UH, MR. HALEN DON'T WANT THE WORD TO GET OUT

THAT T-THE DRAWINGS ARE...

WELL, THAT THE DRAWINGS ARE -- Early: THE DRAWINGS ARE WHAT?

Rusty: THE DRAWINGS ARE...LESS THAN AUTHENTIC.

Early: WHAT...

THE HELL DOES THAT WORD MEAN?

"AUTHENTIC"?

SPEAK, MINION.

Rusty: ALL RIGHT, LOOK -- Early: WAIT. HOLD ON.

[ GULPING ] ALL RIGHT NOW. GO AHEAD.

Rusty: SEE, MR. HALEN HAS ORDERED ME TO KILL EVERYBODY IN

THIS CAVE, BUT -- Early: OKAY.

Rusty: WAIT. DADDY, NO, NO!

Early: I AM THE KING OF SPACE, AND I DONE MASTERED ALL

YOUR EARTH WEAPONS, AS WELL.

YOU WEARING THAT T-SHIRT FROM THE BAND THAT I LIKE -- YOU JUST

PRETENDED TO LIKE THEM, OR MAYBE YOU DON'T LIKE THEM AND YOU'RE

MAKIN' FUN OF ME FOR LIKIN' THEM.

I LIKE THEM.

THEY GOODER THAN HELL.

I SEEN 'EM.

AND THEY STILL GOOD, TOO.

COOL. THIS IS A BAND?

Early: AND YOU WEARING THAT BABY TOTE, EVEN THOUGH YOU AIN'T

GOT NO BABY IN IT.

INVISIBLE BABY. GET IT?

CHECK IT OUT, MAN.

I GOT THE STROLLER AND EVERYTHING.

Early: YOU'RE NEXT.

[ RUMBLING ] OH, MY GOD.

LOOK AT THAT FAKE BOULDER.

WATCH THIS.

I'M GONNA LET IT HIT ME.

[ GROANS ] [ COUGHS ]

[ Weakly ] FAKE BLOOD.

HYSTERICAL. DUDE, DUDE, LOOK AT ME.

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

AS SOON AS I GET A SIGNAL, THIS IS GONNA GO ON TUMBLR.

[ SCREAMING ] Early: WHAT THE HELL?

Dan Halen: AAAAH!

LESTER'S PENIS?!

MY COMEUPPANCE AT LAST!

Rusty: AAAH!

[ BOTH COUGH ] Early: DON'T WORRY, SON.

THEM ALIENS WILL COME ALONG AND RESCUE US.

Rusty: DADDY, THERE AIN'T NO ALIENS.

Early: YEAH, THERE IS.

ACCORDING TO THE DRAWINGS, THERE WAS.

Rusty: ALIENS DIDN'T DRAW THIS.

Early: OF COURSE THEY DIDN'T, SON.

ANCIENT CAVEMANS WITH CONNECTIONS TO ALIENS IS THE

ONES WHAT DONE IT.

Rusty: NO, DADDY.

I DID THE DRAWINGS.

Early: YOU GOT CONNECTIONS TO SPACE ALIENS FROM SPACE?

Rusty: DADDY, THERE AIN'T NO ALIENS!

SEE?

Early: OH. OKAY.

I UNDERSTAND.

YOU JEALOUS AS HELL 'CAUSE YOU TRYIN' TO TAKE AWAY MY DAMN

ACHIEVEMENTS THAT I DONE ACHIEVED MYSELF OF WORKIN' HARD

AS HELL FOR IT.

IT WON'T JUST HANDED TO ME.

I AM THE DAMN SPACE KING!

Rusty: LOOK -- I JUST PUT ZITS AND RED HAIR ON IT.

DOES THAT MEAN I'M SPACE KING NOW?

Early: [ GROANS ] WE GONNA DIE IN HERE, AIN'T WE?

Granny: FILL THAT CAVE IN YOUR BELLY WITH SOME HOMEMADE

CRINKLE-CUT FRI-I-I-I-I-I...

OH, THE CAVE'S GETTING SMALLER.

OR AM I GETTING BIGGER? HMM.

IS THIS THE BEST WE CAN DO?

OVER THERE WAS THE BEST YOU COULD DO.

Sheriff: [ LAUGHS ] I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS THOUGHT

THESE WERE MY REAL LEGS. WHOA!

LOOK, THE DRAWING IS VERY EXPLICIT.

IT SHOWS US CROWNING A CEPHALOPOD.

YOU DON'T THINK IT'S WEIRD THAT WE'RE PICKING SPACE KING

BASED ON SOME STUPID CAVE DRAWING FROM THAT DUMB-ASS

PLANET OVER THERE?

IT WAS ON TELEVISION.

TELEVISION DOES NOT WASTE PEOPLE'S TIME WITH SOMETHING

THAT ISN'T TRUE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU ARE OUR NEW SPACE KING, MA'AM.

Granny: YAY!

FINALLY, A WOMAN IN OFFICE.

WAIT. HE'S A WOMAN?

Granny: [ Echoing ] N-14.

N-14.

BINGO MONTH?

I'M SORRY. THIS IS LUDICROUS.

IS IT LUDICROUS OR HAS SHE CREATED OVER 12 MILLION JOBS IN

HER FIRST TERM?

THESE ARE NOT JOBS, GLEEM.

GLORF, YOU KNOW WE CAN'T DISCUSS POLITICS.

Granny: J-6. IS THERE EVEN A "J" IN BINGO?

SHE'S OUR KING.

DON'T QUESTION THE WAY SHE PLAYS THE GAME.

Granny: WELL, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?

BANJO, EVERYBODY.

I WON IT AGAIN.

ALL HAIL ME!

[ CROWD CHEERING ]