Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND

BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD

JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO

HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

[ YODELING ]

>> Rusty: MY TURN.

>> Early: HELL NO. >> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT

THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

GOD REST YOUR SOUL,

COCK JOHNSON.

BUT ONCE YOU HIT THAT WALL IN

POCONO, AIN'T ENOUGH HEADACHE

POWDER IN THIS WORLD COULD PUT

YOUR BRAIN BACK TOGETHER.

>> Boyd: EXCUSE ME, EARLY, MY

GOUT'S ACTIN' UP.

>> Early: YOU KEEP YOUR ASS ON

THE FLOOR! THAT WAS A MOMENT OF RESPECT!

THIS HERE IS STILL A ROBBERY!

[ BELL DINGS ]

>> Sheriff: STOP WHAT YOU'RE

DOIN' RIGHT NOW!

[ Singsong voice ] GUESS WHO'S

GETTIN' MARRIED!

>> Early: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

SOMEBODY'S FINALLY TAMED THIS

OLD ROWDY BEAST!

>> Boyd: ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL

NEWS!

>> Sheriff: [ Normal voice ]

YEAH, I'M OFF THE MARKET NOW.

THERE SHE IS OUT THERE ON THE

HOG.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Early: GOD ALMIGHTY!

SHE'S HOTTER THAN THE HANDLE ON

THE GATES TO HELL! HOW'D YOU MEET HER?

YOU DOPE HER UP WITH A RAG?

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Sheriff: UH, WELL, WE JUST

KIND OF HIT IT OFF.

>> Early: I'D LIKE TO HIT IT OFF

WITH THEM BOOBIES. [ CHUCKLES ]

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

>> Sheriff: YEAH, I-I KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE SAYIN', EARLY. >> Early: MAMMARIES.

YOU KNOW THEM GLANDS THAT

SECRETES THE MILK? MAMMALS GOT 'EM?

>> Sheriff: UGH, THEY SECRETE

STUFF?

>> Early: YUP. ONCE SHE SPITS OUT A COUPLE OF

YOUNG'ERNS AND YOU DON'T WANT

NO RELATIONS WITH HER NO MORE.

YOU TIRE OF HER QUICKLY.

>> Sheriff: WELL, WE'RE NOT GONNA TRY FOR CHILDREN RIGHT

AWAY -- NOT UNTIL NEXT WEEK,

AFTER OUR SPECIAL DAY, YOU KNOW?

ON THAT NOTE, BOYD, I WOULD

LIKE THE RUBBER, PLEASE.

>> Boyd: WELL, I'M SORRY,

SHERIFF.

WE'RE PLUM OUT OF THOSE.

I ACTUALLY HAD THE LAST ONE

STOLEN FROM ME HERE JUST THIS

MORNIN'.

[ CREAK! ]

[ FIZZLE! ]

>> Sheriff: WELL, GIVE ME A

HOLLER WHEN YOUR NEW SHIPMENT

ARRIVES.

I'VE WAITED 45 YEARS.

[ Chuckling ] I GUESS I CAN WAIT

ANOTHER FEW DAYS.

[ BELL DINGS ]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ ENGINE REVS ]

>> Boyd: WHY DO YOU THINK HE

TOOK THAT HELMET OFF IF HE WAS

JUST GONNA PUT IT RIGHT BACK ON? >> Early: GET IN THAT CORNER!

[ KEYBOARD CLACKING ]

>> MARRIAGE ISN'T ALL WINE AND

ROSES.

LORD KNOWS CHARLENE AND I HAVE

HAD OUR BUMPS IN THE ROAD.

[ CHUCKLES ]

BUT AS LONG AS YOU GO INTO THE

MARRIAGE WITH THE UNDERSTANDING

THAT THE WOMAN BELONGS TO THE

MAN AND IS TO DO HIS BIDDING,

OBEY HIS COMMANDS, AND HARBOR NO

AMBITIONS OF HER OWN --

[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]

UH, SHERIFF, IS SHE ALLOWED TO

HAVE A PHONE?

>> Sheriff: UH, IRINA, HONEY, YOU'RE [CHUCKLES] KIND OF

CHEWIN' UP MY BATTERY THERE.

[ CLACKING CONTINUES ]

>> SO, TELL ME, IRINA, HOW DID

YOU MEET THIS YOUNG BUCK OVER

HERE?

>> Sheriff: EH, FUNNY STORY,

ACTUALLY.

SHE WAS DRIVIN' A OUT-OF-CONTROL

BUS THAT HAD A BOMB ON BOARD.

SOME MANIAC HAD PUT IT ON THERE,

AND IF SHE WENT UNDER 55 --

>> I THINK WE'VE ALL SEEN THE

MOVIE "SPEED."

BUT I'M KIND OF ANXIOUS TO HEAR

THE STORY FROM IRINA'S

SURGICALLY-ENHANCED LIPS.

>> [ Russian accent ]

Russianbridecruise.biz.

I REQUEST SURGEON.

HE IS SURGEON.

>> Sheriff: UH, HONEY, COULD YOU

TAKE ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR

FREQUENT SMOKE BREAKS OUTSIDE

FOR A MINUTE?

>> UGH, THIS 3BS IS CRAP.

I WANT 4S LTE OR MARRIAGE IS

OFF. HATE THIS PHONE.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> [ Chuckling ] WELL, I'VE

CERTAINLY GOT SOME FODDER FOR

THE SENIOR SPAGHETTI SOCIAL THIS

SUNDAY. >> Sheriff: LOOK, REVEREND,

WE'RE ADULTS.

WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE GETTIN' INTO.

>> MM...I CAN'T, IN GOOD

CONSCIENCE, PRESIDE OVER SUCH A

UNION, KNOWING THAT OUR YOUTH

CENTER, THE TEEN CHILL ZONE,

IS WITHOUT NEON SIGNAGE.

>> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ]

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

BUT THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN ON

SUNDAY.

>> SUNDAY?

[ Chuckling ] OH, THAT'S A BUSY

DAY FOR US.

WITH ALL THE EXTRA PEOPLE, WE

MAY NEED A NEW FLAT-SCREEN TO

PLAY TO THE BACK ROW, YOU KNOW?

>> Sheriff: FINE, BUT YOU HAVE TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT THIS

RUSSIAN-CRUISE THING.

>> YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I CAN TELL YOU BOTH ARE VERY

MUCH IN LOVE.

>> Sheriff: HERE WE ARE!

[ CRASH! ]

WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME!

>> THIS IS SMALL HOUSE FOR

SURGEON.

>> Sheriff: UH, WELL, WE CAN

MOVE MAMA'S IRON LUNG OUT OF THE

LIVIN' ROOM AND PUT HER DOWN IN

THE CRAWL SPACE.

>> [ Echoing ] OH, NO!

PLEASE DON'T!

>> Sheriff: SHE NEEDS TO BE MORE

INDEPENDENT ANYWAY. HEY, I-I GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL I

WANT TO SHOW YOU OUT BACK, ALL

RIGHT? SURPRISE!

>> SURPRISE ON ME.

WHERE IS POOL?

YOU HAVE OTHER HOUSE?

>> Sheriff: NO, LOOK, HONEY,

POTATOES!

I PLANTED THEM JUST FOR YOU.

DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU USED TO

RAISE POTATOES OR SOMETHIN'?

>> I SLAVE IN POTATO FIELD FROM

AGE FOUR, HANDS BLEEDING, SO

PAPA COULD MAKE VODKA IN

BATHTUB.

THEN KGB SHOOT PAPA DEAD IN

FRONT OF FAMILY.

>> Sheriff: SO, YEAH, THIS IS

SOMETHIN' FUN WE CAN DO

TOGETHER.

Y'ALL RAISED GOATS, TOO, THERE,

DIDN'T YOU? WELL, JUST TAKE A PEEK OVER

THERE.

WHO'S LOOKIN' AROUND THE CORNER?

>> HYAH!

[ METAL SCRAPES ] [ THUD ]

DRAIN BLOOD SO MEAT NOT SPOIL.

>> Sheriff: UH, HONEY, UH...

I-I GOT TO HEAD INTO TOWN TO --

TO SCRUB UP FOR SURGERY.

[ SIGHS ]

THANK GOD IT'S STILL GOT THE TAG

ON IT.

[ RIP! ]

[ SQUISH! ]

>> Early: WHAT IN THE HELL YOU

DOIN' HERE? YOU OUGHT TO BE BACK AT YOUR

HOUSE WITH THAT LITTLE GAL OF

YOURS, MAKIN' THE BEAST WITH TWO

BACKS. >> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ]

I GUESS I GOT SOME PRE-WEDDIN'

JITTERS, EARLY.

>> Early: MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK,

SHERIFF, AND YOU KNOW MY RECORD

WITH WORK -- I DO NOT DO IT.

>> Sheriff: HOW'D YOU AND

KRYSTAL MAKE IT THROUGH ALL THEM

TOUGH TIMES?

>> Early: LISTEN, THERE'S GONNA

BE TIMES WHEN SHE CALLS YOU "A

GREEN-ASS RUNT THAT AIN'T NO

BIGGER THAN A DAMN BOOGER."

AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS -- HMM --

YOU JUST GOT TO WHIP OFF YOUR

BELT AND SHOW HER THE SNAPPIN'

SOUND IT MAKES.

>> Sheriff: IT'S JUST NOT LIKE

IT WAS BACK IN THE BEGINNIN' --

ON TUESDAY.

I FELT I REALLY GOT A GOOD LOOK

INTO HER SOUL DURIN' THAT SPEED

DATE, BUT NOW IT'S ALL

DIFFERENT.

>> Early: WELL, SHE'S TOO DAMN

GOOD-LOOKIN' FOR YOU.

>> Sheriff: UH, THANKS, EARLY.

>> Early: NO, I MEAN, WHAT DOES

SHE SEE IN YOU? IF SHE'S GOLD DIGGIN', SHE'S

DIGGIN' IN THE WRONG DAMN PLACE.

YOU'RE PAUNCHY, YOU'RE BALD,

YOU CAN'T DO YOUR JOB WORTH A

DAMN. SEE? I JUST STOLE'D YOUR GUN.

>> Sheriff: OH, DAMN IT.

>> Early: WHAT DOES THAT HOT-ASS

BITCH SEE IN YOU?!

>> Sheriff: I JUST WISH SHE'D

LOOK UP FROM THAT DAMN PHONE AND

LOOK ME IN THE EYE SO I CAN SEE

IF OUR LOVE'S STILL REAL.

>> Early: I CAN FIND OUT.

HELL, IT'S JUST LIKE TRAPPIN'

OPOSSUMS.

BUT YOU GOT TO SET BAIT, AND

THAT BAIT HAD BETTER BE LEAFY

AND GREEN.

[ KEYBOARD CLACKING ]

>> Sheriff: HEY, HONEY?

SWEETHEART?

DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO LISTEN

TO THE BAND DEMOS FOR THE

RECEPTION?

I THINK THESE GUYS ON THE

RAILROAD TRACKS LOOK PRETTY

COOL.

AS YOU KNOW, I'M LOADED,

BUT -- BUT WE COULD SAVE A

LITTLE MONEY GETTIN' THIS DJ I

KNOW.

>> I NEED GO TO TOWN FOR FASTER

INTERNET.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> Sheriff: WELL, HURRY BACK.

WE GOT TO PICK OUT SOME CEMETERY

PLOTS.

I'M NOT LETTIN' YOU [Chuckling]

GET AWAY FROM ME, NOT EVEN IN

THE COLD GRIP OF DEATH!

[ SIREN CHIRPS ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

ALL RIGHT. WHAT'D YOU FIND OUT?

>> Early: WELL, SHE WASN'T GOIN'

INTO TOWN FOR NO FAST INTERNET,

THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE.

SEE THIS FELLOW RIGHT HERE?

>> Sheriff: SHE TOLD ME THAT GUY

WAS HER BROTHER.

>> Early: SHE TOLD ME THAT, TOO.

>> Sheriff: OH, GOOD.

THANK GOD IT'S HER BROTHER.

>> Early: YEAH, IT IS HER

BROTHER.

YEAH, THEY WAS IN THERE A LONG

TIME.

THEY WAS PROBABLY TALKING ABOUT

THE WEDDING, YA KNOW.

WE'LL JUST FAST-FORWARD THROUGH

THIS.

ALL RIGHT, SLOW, SLOW, SLOW.

ALL RIGHT. AND...HERE.

IN I ROLL, LOOKIN' FINE AS WINE,

COUPLE OF TASTY BITCHES AT MY

SIDE. >> Sheriff: YOU -- YOU BROUGHT

GIRLS WITH YOU?

>> Early: A MILLIONAIRE

PLAYBOY'S GOT TO LOOK THE PART.

NOW, THIS HERE IS ME OFFERIN'

TO -- TO MAKE LOVE TO HER ON THE

HOOD OF THE BUGATTI WITH, UH,

THESE TWO OTHER WOMANS, ALSO.

>> Sheriff: BUGATTI?

>> Early: THAT'S A RENTAL.

THANK GOD, TOO, 'CAUSE IT'S AT

THE BOTTOM OF THE DAMN RAVINE.

THAT SUMBITCH WAS HARD AS HELL

TO HANDLE. >> Sheriff: EARLY, THAT MONEY

WAS FOR FLASH ONLY!

I WAS SUPPOSED TO RETURN IT TO

THE EVIDENCE ROOM!

>> Early: YOU'RE MISSIN' THE BIG

PICTURE, HOSS.

I OFFERED TO MAKE LOVE TO HER,

AND SHE TURNED ME DOWN FLAT!

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE HER HEART LIES WITH YOU!

>> Sheriff: WELL, I GUESS THAT'S

ONE WAY OF LOOKIN' AT THIS.

>> Early: THAT'S RIGHT!

[ BED SQUEAKING, THUMPING ]

THERE THEY GO AGAIN, TALKIN'

ABOUT THE WEDDIN'.

>> [ Muffled ] OH, YES!

THANKING YOU!

[ SHATTER! ]

I AM THANKING YOU, YES!

>> Sheriff: YEAH.

TALKIN' REAL LOUD ABOUT IT, TOO,

AIN'T THEY?

>> Early: YUP, AGAINST THE

WALL...REPEATEDLY.

>> [ MOANING ]

[ BANG! ]

>> Sheriff: THAT'S NOT YOUR

BROTHER ON TOP OF YOU AT ALL, IS

IT?! >> [ LAUGHS ]

LOOK, HE'S DETECTIVE NOW.

>> Sheriff: I'M THE MAN, AND

YOU'RE -- YOU'RE -- YOU'RE

SUPPOSED TO OBEY MY COMMANDS,

AND I -- [GROANS] THIS -- THIS

IS OVER!

[ MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH"

PLAYS ]

>> I PRESENT MR. AND

MRS. SHERIFF!

>> Sheriff: WE'RE GONNA SEE A

COUNSELOR AFTER THE HONEYMOON.

SHE'S COMMITTED TO MAKE IT

WORK.

[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]

HERE'S ME CUTTIN' THE CAKE,

HERE'S ME DANCIN' WITH MAMA.

[ Voice breaking ] AND HERE'S

IRINA RIDIN' OFF ON MY

MOTORCYCLE WITH A GUY THAT SHE

SAID WAS HER BROTHER, AND HERE'S

ME TELLIN' EVERYONE TO STOP

THROWIN' RICE AT ME.

[ SOBS ]

>> Rusty: OH, MAN, YOU LOOKIN' KIND OF PUFFY IN THAT ONE.

>> Sheriff: THAT'S BECAUSE I'M

ALLERGIC TO RICE!

I TOLD IRINA I WANTED BUBBLES.

THAT'S THE ONE DAMN THING I

ASKED HER TO HANDLE!

OH, AND HERE'S THE HONEYMOON!

>> Granny: OH, SHERIFF, YOU

AIN'T GOT TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS

AGAIN. >> Sheriff: ARE YOU SURE YOU

DON'T WANT TO SEE ME PLAYIN'

MINIGOLF ALL BY MYSELF OR HAVIN'

THE DIVORCE PAPERS SERVED ON ME

AT RUBY FALLS?

THAT'S A GOOD'N OF ME TRYIN' TO

DROWN MYSELF IN THE HOT TUB,

AIN'T IT?

>> Early: WELL, NOW, YOU STILL

GOT YOUR HOUSE, AIN'T YA?

I MEAN, SHE LET YOU BUY HER OUT

OF IT, RIGHT?

>> Sheriff: YEAH, BUT I CAN

NEVER GO BACK THERE.

>> Early: WELL, WHY WON'T YOU?

>> Granny: IT'S YOUR HOME.

YOU SHOULD GO THERE NOW.

>> Sheriff: OH, IT -- IT'S NOT A

HOME. IT'S JUST A HOUSE FULL OF

MEMORIES.

I THINK I'LL JUST STAY HERE WITH

Y'ALL.

>> Early: FAMILY MEETIN' ON THE

PORCH.

NOT YOU!

[ SLOSH! ] I'M GONNA SMOKE HIS ASS THE HELL

OUT OF THERE!

>> Granny: THAT'S NO WAY TO

TREAT HIM AFTER ALL HE DONE FOR

US OVER THE YEARS.

WE NEED TO HELP HIM MOVE ON WITH

HIS LIFE, GIVE HIM THE CLOSURE

HE SO DESPERATELY NEEDS.

[ DOOR OPENS ] >> Sheriff: I WANT TO THANK

Y'ALL FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY AND

PATIENCE.

I-I KNOW I HADN'T BEEN MYSELF

LATELY. >> Rusty: AWW, THAT'S OKAY,

SHERIFF.

I KNOW BREAK-UPS ARE HARD.

I BEEN THROUGH ONE RECENTLY

MYSELF. >> Sheriff: WHAT IS THIS?

[ SMACKS LIPS ]

HONEY? >> Rusty: AFRAID SO.

>> Granny: YOU KNOW WE'RE HERE

FOR YOU, SHERIFF, BUT SOMETIMES,

THE LITTLE BABY BIRD CAN'T FLY

UNLESS IT'S PUSHED OUT OF THE

NEST, YOU KNOW? >> Early: HEADS UP.

[ WHAP! ] [ SIZZLE! ]

>> Sheriff: FIRE ANTS? OH, MY GOD! HELP ME! NO!

FIRE ANTS!! >> Granny: FLY, LITTLE BIRDY!

FLY! >> Early: PADLOCK IT!

>> Sheriff: WHERE'S THE HOSE?! >> Early: WHOO!

I GOT MY MAN CAVE BACK!

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]